Calm Kids & Claiming Your Life

This is Shine On,

The health and happiness show and Ella's Leash production.

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Shine On,

Bringing you healers and dreamers and people who want to make life richer.

It's your time to shine on.

Hi it's Casey.

Thank you so much for tuning in to Shine On.

Happy New Year.

I'm just warning you.

I'm the type of person that says happy new year to like March.

I'm happy.

It's the new year.

I'm happy to be together with you and I'm happy to have a new family on Insight Timer.

Welcome Insight Timer family.

You're great.

Thank you for the follows.

I appreciate it.

I am new to Insight Timer.

My friend Violeta,

You know Violet,

I talk about her a lot.

She told me last year,

Get on Insight Timer.

It took me a while,

But now my podcast can be heard on Insight Timer and as soon as they give me the thumbs up,

I'm going to be able to go live on Insight Timer as well.

It's a great app.

So thank you Violet for the good advice and thank you Insight Timer followers.

It is really nice to meet you.

I'd love to meet you in person.

We're planning a in-person retreat the last week in February in Ossining,

New York at the Marianne Dell Retreat Center.

We hope COVID will have spiked and declined by then and we'll be able to gather in person with masks or whatever we need to do.

So that's coming up at the end of February,

Casysplace.

Com has more information.

Yes,

We have a.

Com now,

Casysplace.

Com.

We had a wonderful retreat over this weekend on Zoom.

It's our second New Year's weekend retreat on Zoom and I enjoyed it so much.

I had no function other than to introduce the 10 speakers we had and they weren't just speakers.

We had three yoga classes,

A Tai Chi class,

A blackout poetry session.

Oh,

That is so much fun,

Blackout poetry.

We'll have to do that at the retreat in February.

In fact,

Coming up in just a few minutes,

We're going to do a drawing exercise,

A little drawing therapy.

Something that we did in the New Year's retreat weekend last year and Violet said she really loved that the best.

So we're going to bring it out again for this year.

If you are able,

Get your pens,

Colored pencils,

Your markers,

Whatever ready.

If you're walking or jogging or driving right now and you can't do the drawing exercise with us,

You can come back to it.

It really is a powerful exercise that may make you look at your life a little differently.

But first we have a guest to talk to us about anxious children.

So we probably all know somebody with anxiety and there are many reasons to be anxious in this adult world,

But some kids come into the world anxious and I bet you know some.

So I jumped on the opportunity to talk to Dr.

Crombie,

Dr.

Tanya Crombie.

She wrote a book called Stop Worrying About Your Anxious Child and that made the eyebrow go up.

Stop worrying about your anxious child.

Dr.

Crombie,

It's all we do is worry.

How do we stop worrying?

Well,

The trick,

The super secret trick to helping our kids when they're struggling with anxiety is to manage our own anxiety because anxiety is contagious.

We don't think about it that way.

We think I've got to worry because I need to think of everything I can do to help them.

But what we don't realize is that worry is actually making our children worry more too.

It's making their anxiety greater.

And so when we learn how to manage our own anxiety as parents,

We actually are helping our kids in a thousand different ways really.

Okay.

What does it look like?

I mean,

Are we faking it?

No,

No,

You cannot fake it because here's the thing as I think you just said at the beginning of this intro,

I am the parent of an anxious child.

And what I know as a parent of an anxious child is that they have such good radars.

I have tried to fake it for years and my child was always able to know when I was faking it.

So you really have to come up with some practices to help you take care of yourself and keep yourself as grounded and centered as you can so that you aren't faking it.

And what I did wrong for years and years and years was I had this crazy idea that if I was taking care of myself,

If I was going to the gym or taking a walk or meditating,

That is so selfish.

I was such a selfish parent.

I needed to spend every waking minute worrying about my kid.

It was so counterintuitive that by spending every waking moment worrying about my kid,

I was actually making my kids' anxiety much worse.

I'm going to ask a really hard question and I know it doesn't have an answer,

But I want to just open this box.

Why does your child have anxiety?

Well,

A thousand different reasons really,

But at the core of it is I believe that certain kids are coming to this world with some amazing gifts.

So let's make that clear.

It is not that they came into this world broken with something wrong with them.

They came into this world with some gifts and those gifts have a tragic side effect of making them more prone to anxiety.

And that is true of many,

Many,

Many kids out there.

The kids who have deep empathy,

The kids who feel big feelings and maybe that makes them able to create beautiful art or music or dance and it also makes them more prone to anxiety.

Or kids who just are able to sit in quiet and observe.

When those kids who can be quiet and observe pick up on stuff and pick up on lots of anxious energy around them.

These kids have gifts,

But with every gift comes a price.

And I would say that is the price of some of these gifts is a tendency to feel more anxious feelings than other people.

Will they outgrow it?

Will some outgrow it?

They don't change who they are,

But what they do is they develop techniques and tips and ways to manage it.

So that's how when we say they outgrow it,

It's just that they've learned how to manage it.

And as parents,

We can help with that.

We can help give them both by teaching them things,

But very often,

Like I said,

Going back to my core message,

Modeling it.

We do the things and our kids say,

Huh,

When my mom seems to feel anxious,

She does this thing.

Maybe I'll try that and that's how they outgrow it.

Oh,

Shazam,

That is beautiful.

All right.

All right,

Tanya Crombie,

Dr.

Tanya Crombie,

Tell us about some of the things that you're doing that your child can model.

So I became a meditator after 20 years of telling myself I'm not that kind of a person.

Those are special people who meditate.

I'm too,

You know,

I'm too anxious myself.

I've got too much going on.

My mind doesn't sit still.

And I just started doing it in little bitty bits instead of saying I have to meditate like a Buddhist monk for seven hours a day.

I said,

If I can sit here for five minutes and listen to my breath,

Or if I can get on the call map,

Or if I can listen to a guided meditation while I take a walk with my dog,

That's okay.

And when I let myself do those things and just not be good at it,

I got good at it.

But when I had this idea that I had to be good at it from the beginning,

I would never do it.

Beautiful.

That makes sense.

No,

I totally get it.

I totally get that.

And I think that holds us back from so many things.

So giving yourself permission to really stink at something is truly a very good gift.

All right.

Yes.

What else are we going to learn in this book?

Stop worrying about your anxious child.

What kind of strategies can you tell us about?

So I talk about learning how to meditate.

I talk about being just kind to yourself.

Like I said,

Letting yourself suck at it.

Exactly.

Letting yourself suck at so many things.

Learning how to just question some of the things you're telling yourself is like fundamental to everything.

So if you're telling yourself,

I suck as a mom,

Which was one of my favorites.

I used to say that to myself.

I'm the worst mom ever.

I'm so terrible.

And just starting to say,

Is that true?

Are you really the worst mom ever?

No,

You're not.

And by telling yourself,

You're just putting yourself into a bad spiral.

So stop learning how to stop those thoughts and replacing them with some things that are maybe a little more kind,

A little more generous.

And again,

It's the same principle when I started being kind and generous to myself,

I started being able to be a lot more kind and generous to everybody else.

Yeah,

That is the beautiful thing.

I want to ask another off the beaten path question.

You have two children,

Yes?

I do.

And one has anxiety and one does not.

How do you dole out the care?

Often the child with anxiety gets all the attention.

Yes.

And that was part of the reason why I sat around so many sleepless nights saying I'm the worst parent ever because I spent all day focused on the child who was struggling and the child who wasn't struggling.

I don't know what he ate for dinner last night.

Those kinds of things.

And so it created a lot,

A lot of guilt.

And I think,

Again,

You just have to,

When you learn how to be kind to yourself as a parent,

I learned that when I started practicing the things that I talk about in my book,

He felt more cared for.

He felt more loved.

I was being nicer to myself and therefore being able to kind of just see the big picture and not get so caught up in this very moment of anxiety.

This is all there is.

I had a much bigger view of this isn't all there is.

There's a lot more and we will get through this moment and then I will ask him how his day was at school.

Right.

Right.

Do you have a plan?

Is there a care plan for your child's future?

I think it is in the,

What my,

If you said like,

What is the plan?

The plan is to equip both of my children with what they need to succeed in the future and what that looks like and how it might change,

I'm open to because now that I've been a parent for almost 20 years,

I know that it will change and it will continue to change,

You know?

So I don't believe in like saying,

So this is the plan and we're going to stick to this because the plan is going to shift and change.

But the big picture is,

Am I doing what I need to be doing right now in this moment that helps them prepare to be the self-sufficient adults that I want them to be,

The good humans I want to create.

Do you name the thing?

Do you call it anxiety when you talk to your anxious child?

You know,

We did in the beginning when it was,

When it was really acute and we were really struggling.

But as we have transitioned and she has,

Like I said,

Done those things,

Gotten some tools,

She hasn't outgrown it,

But she has a lot more tools to manage it and she doesn't struggle acutely like she did.

We tend to talk more about those great things about you that make you more prone to anxiety.

This is just a side effect of these,

Your strengths.

And I like to,

Because when we talk about anxiety,

All we see is anxiety.

I like to see the strengths that,

Oh,

By the way,

They also can make you anxious at times.

Wow.

It's such a wonderful way to look at things.

You know,

Here are the strengths that might make you feel anxious.

Why do these strengths,

You know,

These empathic and artistic traits,

Why does it bring anxiety?

Does anyone know?

Well,

Like I said,

Some of it is just the capacity to feel big feelings.

Some of us,

And that's kind of how I would describe my two kids.

I have one who was high highs and low lows from the day she was born.

And that often,

Some of those low lows tended to be anxious feelings.

I have my other kid who is no drama and has been no drama since the day he was born.

So he doesn't,

I would say he doesn't hit those low lows,

But he probably doesn't experience some of the high highs that she experiences either.

When she feels big,

Big joy,

I mean,

It's amazing.

It's contagious.

So cool.

So it's a gift and you know,

With all gifts comes a price.

Stop worrying about your anxious child.

Dr.

Tonya Crombie is our guest and you give your readers and the people you work with so much good nutrition and so many great skills.

Where can parents go to find out more?

You can get my book on Amazon.

I actually have two.

Stop worrying about your anxious child,

Stop worrying about your anxious teenager.

And you can find me at GuidanceForTheFuture.

Com.

GuidanceForTheFuture.

Com.

Give us some guidance with all of us who are feeling anxious as we go through another wave of COVID.

Well,

The one thing we have with us at all times,

We have a couple of things and we can lean into these whenever you need to in a meeting,

In a bad Zoom call,

Whatever.

You have your breath and you have your senses.

So I always tell people,

Kids,

Adults,

Everyone,

Just taking those good,

Deep,

Long breaths because when we feel anxious,

We start breathing quick,

Shallow breaths and that makes us more anxious.

That's a bad little,

You know,

Cycle that we can get ourselves into.

Short,

Shallow breaths make us feel more anxious and we take them when we feel anxious.

So consciously focusing on long,

Slow,

Deep breaths.

Again,

Other people pick up on it.

So when you're in a room with an anxious person and you are doing it,

You can help bring them into your rhythm by just doing these long,

Slow,

Deep breaths.

And then things that we do when we're lying in bed thinking those thoughts,

Which we all do,

We can't sleep.

Try to use our sense of hearing.

Try to hear the farthest away sound that you can hear and just listen to it.

Now try and hear the closest sound to you.

Try and listen to your own breathing.

Try and hear the ambient sounds like the sound of your refrigerator or your heater or your air conditioner.

Those sorts of things,

Just listen and notice all the sounds.

That's a sense that you have with us.

The sense of touch,

I use the sense of touch as kind of my go-to all the time when I feel anxious.

I feel my feet wherever they are.

I wiggle my toes and try and count each one of my toes.

I feel the weight of my body in the seat.

I feel the weight of my arms and hands wherever they're resting.

I might rub my fingers together and try and feel the fingertip ridges.

And I can do that in a meeting with a person.

They don't realize I am feeling my fingertip ridges anywhere,

Anytime.

And it just going to our senses helps us get calm and centered as opposed to spiraling in our thoughts.

Look how far you've come,

Dr.

Crombie.

That's amazing.

From someone who wasn't into meditating,

Now you just put us all in a trance.

So that was awesome.

So good.

And tell us again,

You have some videos on YouTube?

I do have videos on YouTube.

You can find me.

Yeah,

You can find me on Facebook.

You can find me all over Instagram.

Dr.

Tanya Crombie,

Thank you so much.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year to you.

Dr.

Tanya Crombie,

C-R-O-M-B-I-E,

Stop worrying about your anxious child.

And doesn't it always come right back to that self-care?

The best thing we can do for everyone is to be our healthiest and best.

Thank you,

Dr.

Crombie.

All right,

Here's our little exercise to look at our lives differently in 2022.

If you have a moment,

I'd love for you to pull out a piece of paper.

This doesn't have to be fancy,

But I'm warning you,

You may put this on your fridge.

We're going to draw a picture of your life as a garden.

So basically we're going to draw a garden and there'll be flowers and there'll be rocks and there'll be trees,

Maybe a stream,

Maybe a bird feeder.

I don't know,

Maybe a little bridge.

And everything in the garden stands for all the things in your life.

But first,

Before you start drawing,

I want to dig up the rocks under the earth.

Okay?

We have this beautiful patch of earth before us.

That is your blank piece of paper.

We don't want to put our garden on top of rocks.

We want to dig up the rocks and the boulders in your life.

So if you could take a deep breath and maybe look at those things that are buried,

Maybe they are heartaches,

Maybe they are mistakes,

Embarrassments,

Things you wish had ended differently,

Losses,

Heartache.

You may find that there's three or four or a half a dozen of these really big things that are buried under the surface of your life.

Those are the first things we're going to put in your garden.

Maybe they'll be little rocks or boulders.

Maybe they'll be hollowed out logs.

Whatever they are,

However you depict them,

They are in the landscape of your life.

And as difficult as those things were,

They helped lead you where you are today.

And that's why they deserve to be above ground.

So in my drawing of a garden,

I had my little rocks,

Sort of like a necklace all around my garden,

Which actually,

If you came to my house,

You would find that's exactly what my garden looks like.

I hold up the boulders and put them out on display.

Now you can label these if you want.

You know,

You could label what the boulders or the logs stand for,

But you don't have to.

You really don't.

You know what they are.

Now let's bring in some of the more beautiful things.

Maybe there's a couple of trees in your garden and they represent whatever,

Your job or your parents or where you went to college.

But this beautiful thing in your garden represents something that gives you shelter and shade.

And then you can add flowers and shrubbery,

A bird cage,

A bird house.

Make sure in your garden,

Your inner circle is represented.

Your family,

Your best friends,

The things that are precious to you.

Draw them as something else.

Maybe the daisies can be your kids and the roses can be your ancestors.

I really don't know a lot of horticulture words,

So what else?

Maybe you have some pachysandra in there or some ornamental grass,

But everything in your garden represents something or someone in your beautiful life right now.

Get the idea?

That's the assignment.

I'm going to give you a little minute to work on that.

When we did this exercise last year at the New Year's weekend retreat online,

Some people did it in black marker and colored pencils and colored markers.

Some people had two pages taped together.

Other people just had a little square.

And I should mention this too.

There were some people who had no boulders to dig up.

They really didn't.

And that's wonderful.

So don't let that hold you up.

Just get right to the beauty in your garden and the joy in your garden and let each person in your life be depicted,

Be depicted by something in your garden.

My husband was like,

Who am I in your garden?

I'm like,

You're that big log over there.

Oh,

All right.

So maybe you have something on your page right now,

Or maybe you just have the image in your head.

Here's what to do now.

Take a look at all the universe has given you.

Take a look at all the beauty and joy and love in your life.

Take a look at this beautiful garden that is yours to tend to.

Weeds may have to be pulled.

Things pop up that need to be taken care of.

Some relationships need a little fertilizer,

Need a little cultivating,

But there is so much beauty in your garden and you are in charge of this.

All of this is yours.

And that is why in 2022,

We need you to take care of yourself.

Eat good things.

Drink lots of water.

Move your body.

Take a yoga class.

Call a therapist,

Call a friend,

Go to karaoke,

Dance around,

Bring joy into your life.

You need to be your best so you can enjoy this garden.

So much beauty in your world,

Your garden.

How did you get so darn lucky?

All right.

Dust the dirt off your hands and your knees.

Hey,

Take a picture and send it to me,

Please.

I'd love to see it.

If you show me yours,

I'll show you mine.

Casey's place.

Com.

Oh,

Have you seen the Lucille Ball movie?

You should look for that.

It's streaming somewhere.

I found it a little hard to follow the way they bounce back and forth,

But I loved,

Loved,

Loved getting to know who Lucille Ball really was.

A treasure.

So our thought for the day is from Lucille Ball who said,

Love yourself first and everything else falls in line.

You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Shine on.

You've been listening to Shine On,

The health and happiness show for your entertainment only.

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Subscribe to Shine On on iTunes and Soundplout and catch a show anytime at kacey.

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That's kacey.

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Shine On.