107.The Foundation Of Wellbeing:5 Sustainable Self Care Tips

Confidence and empowerment are byproducts of self-care.

So as far as I'm concerned,

This is a step that even if you've missed it in your life to date,

You need to go back and actually start doing this.

Alrighty,

We are going to speak about self-care today.

I think that is more necessary than ever before.

We live in a very fast-paced world where we are asked to do many things,

To stretch ourselves in many ways,

To be available to many people,

And all of this doing can leave very little time for being.

More importantly,

Enjoying.

I like,

Instead of saying more importantly,

I like and also.

I'm just trying to take care of myself expressing my needs.

I accept that rebuke.

Thank you so much.

Let me write that down.

No more,

More important.

And also.

And also.

Thank you.

Okay.

So.

Any other phrases that you'd like me to change?

Yeah,

I don't like but in general because when you say but,

Actually you can,

Like if you give it like da da da da da but,

You can ignore everything that was said before but,

And really the only thing the person wanted to say was what you say after the word but.

Right.

There's actually a Kirby enthusiasm episode.

Really?

It's called,

There's a phrase.

It's not the word but,

But it's a different way.

It's,

I forgot.

I'm sure one of our listeners will send this.

Well,

I'm curious.

You'll have to look that up later.

Yes.

So let's go back to self-care.

Yes.

Self-care has become a cultural phenomenon,

The roots of social media movements like self-care Saturday and hashtags ranging from hashtag self-care to hashtag me time.

I'm all for self-care and making something so necessary and equally popular is fantastic.

But are you really?

What gives me pause however,

Is that so many of these hashtags still sit beneath photos of impossible vacations,

Brand new pairs of shoes and sparkling glasses of rosé.

Again,

All wonderful things but can you see what's missing from the picture?

What?

They are all external things that remove us from the present.

Enjoying material things is what we all need and it's good,

But we don't want to move away from ourselves and seek care only in the physical world.

We're shortchanging ourselves when we do that.

So I think we both agree,

Even though we didn't discuss it ahead of time,

The kind of self-care we will be talking about is really that internal type.

And also.

There you go.

You catch on very quickly.

I think,

Right,

I would say there's probably three categories,

Right?

There's physical,

Emotional and spiritual.

Body,

Mind and spirit.

But I do think that the physical,

And I think we agree on this,

Is important as well.

Yes.

And I actually have a bunch of four tips on how to take care of ourselves in a physical way.

Because you need,

You know,

It's silly when I think people say,

I'm just focused on my spirituality,

You know,

Sleep can wait.

Or you know,

I needed to eat a bunch of sugar.

I was exhausted.

Well,

No,

If you're exhausted,

Then take a nap.

So I think that you need all of these parts to work to support your being.

But I do want to start with.

I think I just remembered.

The soul.

Go ahead.

With that being said,

I think is the phrase.

That's one too.

With that being said.

Yeah,

That's another one probably to avoid.

Maybe we should shoot a whole episode on what not to say.

Ever.

I'll be listening a lot,

I'm sure.

Having said that,

There it is.

Having said that.

Okay,

Michael,

Focus.

So I'm taking care of myself.

And for me,

For me,

Laughing is a very big part of self-care.

I agree.

And I also want to touch upon,

Not yet exactly,

But putting yourself first isn't selfish.

I think that sometimes it gets a bad rap or it's misunderstood that that's.

And also that could be true though,

Right?

Because on the extreme levels,

There are people who basically their entire life is self-care.

Of course.

And self-care we're talking about is really self-interest.

So everything balanced self-care,

In my opinion,

Self-care begins with knowing who you are,

Having an awareness of your thoughts and managing self-talk.

And I think those are three really big ones.

Knowing who you are,

Which takes time,

Effort,

Curiosity,

Whole lifetime.

Yeah.

And it really is.

You have to actually be interested in enough in yourself to discover who you are.

Right.

It's like that's on the deepest,

Most fundamental level.

Most people don't do that.

No.

And that's why I usually speak to them when they're like,

I don't know who I am.

I don't know what I'm doing.

And they miss that very fundamental step of knowing who you are.

And part of that is really deciding not to engage in behaviors or actions that you don't like about yourself and growing the ones that you do.

But that requires deep awareness,

Which is the second point.

So the first one was knowing yourself.

Knowing who you are.

The second is having an awareness of your thoughts.

So you're really so in touch with yourself.

We have this conversation a lot in the day.

I'll say,

You know what I realized today about myself and I'll come and share with you.

How did I have that?

I mean,

I have those every single day for the most part.

How do I have that?

Because I have these conversations with myself where I really know what I'm thinking.

If I don't like the thought,

Then I stop and say,

Why am I thinking this?

And then the third part is,

Well,

What should I do about changing this?

Right.

So can't underestimate that either.

And then managing self-talk,

Which obviously if your thoughts are kind and healthy in the self,

Then so will your your words and how you think about yourself,

Which then,

Of course,

Affects everything else,

Because it's what you do,

It's how you do it,

Et cetera.

The foundation of well-being is honoring your inner voice.

So you have to have those first things,

The three things that we talked about.

You'll never hear your voice and you'll never honor it.

Even if you hear it,

You'll tell it to shut up because the other person who's louder,

Who's telling you what you should do or you've always put before yourself,

Their voice is the louder one.

And that's the one you've trained yourself to hear.

And that's very important because there are many people who go on vacation.

There are many people who take a day off.

There are many people who do actions that can fall into the category of self-care.

But at the deepest level,

If it's not based on what you just shared,

Meaning an awareness of truly of oneself,

An honoring of what your true self is saying,

Then you can be doing many things that fall in categories of self-care.

They won't create change and they won't stick either.

And by the way,

Your inner voice,

Right?

Sometimes it can be empowering and motivating.

Sorry,

Because it's such an important point.

Again,

That's a new point to me that you shared because,

Again,

We know many people because at the end.

.

.

Are searching and they try this and they do that and then like,

Oh,

But you know,

I was good for a month.

And also we know people that do take a tremendous of time,

Have leisure,

Have vacations.

But at the end of the day,

In my thought,

When we talk about self-care,

The net effect of that should be that you're living a happier life.

And often people do so many things,

Even sometimes spiritual practice,

But certainly emotional well-being,

Physical well-being,

But they don't wind up being happier at the end of the day because they're not really having that internal dialogue.

Who am I?

What do I really want?

And so on.

I think it's a very key point because you can search and there are books out there that can give you a list,

Lists upon lists upon lists upon lists of ways to take care of yourself.

But I think the big question is,

Does any of that really lead you to greater happiness?

And that will almost not be possible,

Except maybe in the short term,

Unless you are really taking the time to know yourself.

Well,

I'll give you an example.

Sorry.

This is the hard part.

I'm so excited about what you said.

I love when you teach me something new because again,

A person can go away on vacation for six months to Greece,

For example,

But they might actually hate the sun,

But their partner,

Boyfriend,

Husband,

Children really want to be on the beach.

They really want to be in a mountain cabin reading.

That's really what makes them feel better.

So if you really don't know what you want,

Then no self care is actually going to solve the problem of making you happy.

You're not going to feel better.

That's a very important point.

And I really hope our listeners take this in because again,

It's a key point.

Without it,

Everything,

Nothing else matters.

Again,

Because you can be doing so many self care,

Quote unquote,

Actions,

But they won't have the net effect,

Which is the single net effect.

In my life,

It's actually better.

Right.

And if you compare it to something that another example is if you decide to add something to your daily diet,

Maybe it's matcha or green tea or whatever the new fat is,

But you didn't actually stop and say,

Okay,

Does this feel good in my body?

Is it having the effects on me?

Or maybe they're having negative effects instead.

Or what do I need to stop doing to allow myself to benefit from that?

Right.

So it can't just be this application,

Whether about any things we're talking about,

Not body,

Mind,

Spirit,

Unless you really have that internalization and that process.

So with the thoughts I was saying,

So some are empowering and motivating,

And sometimes they're downright spiteful and your future exists first in your mind.

And then your mind is an obedient servant.

So what you think about yourself will likely come true.

And I don't think people ever give that enough weight either.

Your mind will do whatever you tell it to do,

And it will find a way to do it.

And then if you think about really living a successful life,

Competence and empowerment are byproducts of self-care.

So as far as I'm concerned,

This is a step that even if you've missed it in your life to date,

You need to go back and actually start doing this.

Right.

And I think one of the things that is really clear in both studies,

Scientifically,

That there probably hasn't been a time in history where real self-care has been as necessary as it is now.

I was reading a study that as of today,

People are feeling lonelier and less able to unwind and slow down,

Which makes them feel more anxious and overwhelmed by even the simplest task.

You know,

I remember we used to travel,

Like we'd go on a holiday.

I used to be able to relax within like the first day.

And now,

Honestly,

I hate to admit it,

It's like day three,

But we leave on day three.

And it's like what it's,

It's,

It's,

It's,

I think it's just the world we're living in.

For sure.

And we talk about what a successful self-care system,

Which everyone needs to find their own looks like.

Again,

We said before,

The net effect is,

Are you happier?

But maybe even more importantly,

Taking care of yourself allows you to handle life.

Somebody who's under stress and not taking care of themselves will not be able to handle even the smallest argument.

You come unraveled very quickly.

That same argument,

Or even a greater one,

With somebody who's,

Let's say,

Well rested.

I mean,

We all know this,

Right?

If a person hasn't slept very well the night before,

Then they are much more likely to have an argument with anybody and be upset about anything.

So self-care,

Again,

I always like to think of the ultimate goal because that way you can actually figure out whether you're actually going towards that.

And you often talk about this being rather than doing.

So what I'd like our listeners to think about is not,

Okay,

Well,

I need to sleep seven,

Eight hours a night.

I need to meditate every day.

You do though.

Right.

But that list is secondary to the first list.

The being list.

What do I want my life experience to be?

So I spoke about before actually being happier.

If you're doing this right,

You're doing self-care right,

You're actually happier.

Second,

You're able to handle life's challenges.

Be big and small.

And I'll use an example.

Today you and I had a text exchange and I actually had this thought where.

.

.

That I was right?

Of course you're always right.

And also you are right.

And also you're right.

Somebody had asked us about something and I gave an answer and then afterwards you wanted a different answer.

Well,

Let's give context because I was in meetings back to back.

By the time I opened that text,

It was many hours later.

And to my surprise,

I just didn't understand why you answered it that way.

And also,

But the point is,

So you sent that text,

I sent you a text that was a little cheeky and then you answered back and it was.

.

.

I had fun over text,

Right?

But I imagine if I was very stressed today and you were very stressed today,

That could have devolved into,

You shouldn't have done that.

You shouldn't have done that.

Do we really go there?

But yes.

But yes,

It could have been a little snarky.

Exactly.

And the point is,

And I think this is so important.

You might be angry,

You might be upset,

You might be fighting with your partner.

Not so much because you're having big issues,

But because you're not taking care of yourself.

So it's so important.

As I said,

For me,

The two top questions or tests that every one of our listeners should ask is,

Is my self-care regimen making me happier?

And is it making me more able to handle stress,

Difficulties,

Arguments,

Disagreements?

If yes,

Keep going.

If no,

Develop it further.

So.

.

.

No,

It's like the example of a mother who's exhausted,

Right?

She has a newborn and she's sleep deprived and she's irritable,

But she never stops to think,

Okay,

I can't sustain this.

I'm not the best version of me.

If I'm not the best version,

No one's going to get that best version.

So an alternative could be like,

You know,

Get somebody to watch the baby for three hours,

Three times a week,

Or even a family member or friend and go take a yoga class or walk or whatever it is.

Or the CEO who works like crazy so the other people in the job or the business can take time to be with their family.

But meanwhile,

His own family is falling apart or his marriage is failing because he's not taking that time.

I mean,

People do this.

We do this throughout life because we think we have no other choice or this is what you're supposed to do as a CEO or as a new mother or who can you trust.

Or even if you can't afford it,

There's always a solution if you give yourself permission,

Right?

And that again for me is self-care.

And I wanted to share a story that my father would often share.

I've seen it written.

It's sort of one of those very well-known stories.

But I think for all of our listeners,

If you've heard it before,

If you haven't,

I think it helps really clarify the thoughts that we should be having when it comes to self-care.

The story that my father would tell,

And again,

As I said,

I've seen this written in many,

Many different places.

A man is on vacation and he goes fishing and he's on the side going,

You know,

I'm fishing.

What's that song?

Ba da beep ba boo.

You know,

I don't know.

I think it's Louis Armstrong.

Yes,

Yes,

Yes.

Yeah,

I can't sound like Louis Armstrong.

I can't.

I'm not going to try.

So he goes fishing.

And next to him,

There's a local also fishing and the guy's fishing and he sees the locals are really great fishermen and he's really having fun.

So they started,

They strike up a conversation and the guy on vacation was very wealthy.

Says to the guy who clearly was not very wealthy,

He says,

You know,

You,

I see you're a really good fishermen.

Why don't you really develop this as a business?

He said,

What do you mean?

He says,

You know,

You catch a few fish and you eat them,

But you're so good.

You can probably catch tens,

If not hundreds of fish a day.

He says,

And then,

So the man,

The local asked him,

Then what?

He says,

Well,

Then you can open up fish stores and sell the fish.

And then what?

He says,

Then you can open more and more stores and you can have a whole chain throughout this island.

He says,

Okay.

And then what?

He says,

Well,

Then you'll have so much money.

You can go to the mainland,

You go to the US and open fish stores there and you can have the biggest fish distribution chain in the whole United States.

He says,

Okay.

And then what?

He says,

Well,

Then you can work for 10,

20 years,

Build a huge business.

And then what?

He says,

Then you can sell it for a lot of money.

He says,

Okay.

And then what?

He says,

Well,

Then you can retire and you can start fishing.

And the guy says,

Well,

That's what I'm doing.

Right?

The point is so often in life,

If we're not questioning ourselves,

And often it is,

Again,

Some people don't have the ability to say,

I'll only work X number of hours a day,

40 hours a week,

Some people have to make a living for them themselves.

They have to work 50,

60 hours.

But there are many times when we are pushing ourselves without asking that question.

By the way,

To your point,

We often,

Because even if a person,

Let's say,

Doesn't have the luxury to be their own boss or create their own hours or take more time off,

You still have a choice of what you can say yes or no to.

And I think often,

Again,

We're conditioned to say yes,

To please people.

You have to be there for whatever that we say no to the things that are really important to us,

Whether it's fishing or being with our children or spending time with whatever the case may be.

But really,

If you stop and you look at it the way that you just put it,

Like,

Why are you doing the things that you're doing?

Why are you here?

What are you spending time to?

Most likely,

All of us would adjust to what we're saying yes to and what we're saying no to.

I mean,

As an example,

Right?

It's not just about around work.

I mean,

How many times we hear a story of somebody who their husband or whatever,

Their family's coming over for Thanksgiving,

Whatever,

Or maybe he's coming over for a weekend and they feel exhausted that they had a terrible time.

They spent the whole weekend cooking,

Taking care,

Cleaning,

And so on and so forth.

Why did you do that?

I mean,

Again,

Sometimes it's great to go out of yourself and really extend yourself to do good for others.

But if it's on a constant basis,

If it's not bringing you joy,

Why?

And like you said,

Probably the most important list is for every person to say,

What are the core things that really matter to me?

For many people,

It'll be family.

Hopefully,

It'll be spirituality.

It'll be a sense of connection with friends.

And then if you make a pie chart of your life,

How much of your time is spent on those things that are really important to you and how much of it is spent on things that aren't as important to you?

And by the way,

Part of that chart should be self-care.

You need to be in that chart.

I think very often,

Like,

Oh,

Family,

Business.

But no,

You actually need to be there.

When we're talking about selfishness also,

Is self-care selfish?

And I think that most people when they hear the word selfish,

We think,

Oh,

It's when I'm rude or abrupt or whatever it is.

But selfishness can also be in the ways that we give when we overgive,

When we overgive of ourselves and we give to people and we're putting out there instead of giving to us.

What happens is ask yourself,

Why are you doing that?

What's behind the giving?

Is it because you want people to like you or to say,

Look how great you are or they've been dependent on that and that's where you find your value?

That's another way to kind of shift it.

And I don't think people ever look at it like that.

Look,

I care for so many people.

Why are you doing that to the point where they're all before you put yourself?

Absolutely.

And unless you are aware and really asking yourself these questions,

I think it's important to really also make a list and this maybe will be helpful.

I think most of us are going to do this right away.

What is the spillover effect of the self-care that is not going on?

There's a story I actually heard this last week.

A person was visiting their family and the mother is a very type A person and she has somebody who helps with the cleaning of the house,

But she insisted on doing it herself.

You just read the story?

Yeah.

Last week.

And she was so upset that the person helping her wasn't doing it right.

So she started yelling at them.

And then what happened?

So he was there with his children.

So this is the grandmother.

The grandmother,

Her son,

Her kids just had a terrible experience.

Why?

Why?

What does she.

.

.

She had to have her house clean right then.

Just ask the question.

Whatever it is that I'm doing,

If it's work,

If it's making sure my house is clean,

Even taking care of my kids,

What's the net effect?

What's the spillover effect of you not taking care of yourself?

And I think if we ask ourselves those questions consistently,

We will have different actions that flow from that.

Because again,

For example,

And you often use this example,

People have a Sunday they don't spend with their family.

It has to be exactly like this.

And if not,

Then they're disappointed.

Then they'll let the kids know that they were disappointed.

What was the purpose of Sunday?

The purpose of Sunday was to be happy with your family.

So was it to make sure that your list of things that get done by the family on Sunday get done?

And that's what it did,

But it's so easy for us to lose the thread.

It's so funny because with our first three,

I was very much like that.

And I've shared that,

Right?

And then I'd be disappointed that it didn't go out the way.

.

.

It didn't happen exactly as I had envisioned it.

But now on Sundays when we're with Abigail,

With our youngest,

She's like,

What are we going to do?

And my answer,

Funnily enough,

I didn't think about it until you just said that.

Like I don't know,

We're going to be curious.

We're going to be investigators and see what we discover and see what we find.

And whenever we do that,

We have an awesome time.

We ended up.

.

.

I can't roller skate yet,

But I taught her how to roller skate by giving her tips.

And that was.

.

.

We didn't plan that.

And it was one of the best Sundays ever.

So it's in those moments that we allow for things to come in because we're not so over-scheduled and so over-controlling and all the things we have to take care of everything in life and care of everybody else and take care of every single need.

Where's your joy?

Where's your happiness?

Where is your internal dialogue that's saying,

This is how you want to spend?

And that should be the only question.

Not is it going to plan,

But I've been making sure that I'm enjoying it.

Well,

It's interesting.

I've learned a lot from you through the years,

But I think the one thing that I finally have been able to start to add onto my own being and my own self-care regimen is.

.

.

It's not going to be what you think.

I don't even know what you're thinking,

But.

.

.

I have a few thoughts.

I had.

.

.

Some of them I can't share.

However,

It was really hard for me to say no to people who needed me,

Like in need.

And still,

Obviously,

I make it a priority,

But I didn't realize that I was basically saying yes to everybody because everybody has a need.

It might not all be at the same level or the same extreme situation,

But everybody feels that their needs are urgent and really immediate.

That's just how we all operate in life.

So what I've watched you do through almost 25 years of marriage,

And again,

It took me the 25th year to start to apply it.

And I think part of it is that I've gotten more and more responsibility.

It's unmanageable.

I cannot.

.

.

I can no longer.

.

.

And I should have stopped a long time ago,

But not every text has to be answered.

Not every email.

.

.

I mean,

Not right away.

Not every email has to be answered right away.

Not everything has to be urgent and immediate,

Even if that's how it's prefaced.

And so sometimes I'll answer it or the whole day can go by and I'm doing what I meant to do in that day.

And then I'll get.

.

.

I was like a slave to pings throughout the day.

Absolutely.

One of the things that I often do is when somebody says,

I have to speak to you,

I always ask,

Is it urgent?

And the answer is almost always no.

It makes them pause and say,

Well,

What's really urgent?

It's a very good way.

You're giving your secrets away.

I do have some tips though,

I think,

On how to do that.

Yeah.

So I wanted to share one other thing,

Which I think is important and it helps.

And also I want to hear what you have to say.

Wonderful.

I think it helps to help our listeners navigate towards a healthier balance and self-care.

And the simple understanding is that we don't have control.

I think often the reason why we do things that are not in our best interest or are not helping us become better,

Do not take care of ourselves,

Is because we have this false belief that I have to take care of everything.

I have to make sure my kids are great.

I have to make sure that my work is amazing.

I have to make sure that my friends are great.

The bottom line is we really have very little control and that's a good thing.

We talk about the light of the creator.

There is a force,

There is a system,

There is an energy that takes care of so much of our lives.

I mean,

It's so like,

Again,

Part of self-care of course is taking care of our health,

Taking care of our diet,

Taking care of our exercise and so on and so forth.

But the reality is it's important that we also remember that most of the functioning of my body has nothing to do with me.

Our hearts pump,

Our lungs breathe.

So much of our healthy,

Those of us who are blessed with health,

Healthy body work is not conscious.

And that is to help us understand that so much of life is taken care of for us.

It's not my responsibility that my kids from the age of zero to the age of 190 have everything exactly as it should be.

And even if that was my responsibility,

I would never be able to achieve that.

I think,

And that's why I think it comes back to what you're talking about before.

You have to give yourself that,

I don't have to worry,

Outlet,

But that release valve.

I have to do the best that I can for my kids.

I have to do the best that I can for my spouse.

I have to do the best that I can for my friends,

For my students,

Whoever is on that list.

But it's not my responsibility to do all of it.

I can't,

And it's not my responsibility.

I do what I can and I can let go of the rest.

So therefore,

When I get 100 texts and I can only answer 20 of them or 30 of them,

I say,

I'm going to try to answer the top 20,

The top 30.

I just don't have the time for the 70 today.

And I trust the Creator.

It's not my job to make anybody's life better,

To answer every question that everybody has.

It's just not our job.

Even if some people assign that job to you.

But I think part of being able to release the valve is to understand.

This is what helped me.

I think that there it wasn't just control.

That was certainly part of it.

But it was the fear of if I don't do this,

What will happen?

It's rooted in the fear of the unknown.

If I don't do all these things for my children,

How will they turn out?

If I don't show up for my friends in the way they want me to,

Will I still have them as friends?

If I don't show up in my business or help somebody in the time of need,

Will they still want my help later?

Right?

You can fill in because that is what really drives us to do things that are really unhealthy,

Even in the name of,

Oh,

It's a good thing to do.

And it might be,

But it doesn't mean it's good for you.

And that's where the spiritual consciousness comes in.

And one of the other mantras that really helped me in that practice of really shifting that and I'm still working on it is just because you can doesn't mean you should.

That was another thing.

I just walked through the day,

I'm like,

I can,

Doesn't mean I should.

And I would be able to,

Without stress,

Because you don't want to do this and feel stress or guilt or whatever.

The whole purpose is to release that stress.

It's the release.

And those are things that really did help.

Yeah,

But I can't underscore this enough.

I believe strongly and I've seen this,

Where people push themselves in ways that they should not.

They put themselves.

.

.

See me do that.

I didn't want to say that,

But yes.

You can say it.

And you're really good at,

Not that I need you to call me out on it,

You're really good at,

Because I call myself in your life,

You're good at being supportive and nurturing and suggestive of other ways of being in self-care.

Because I'm good at the other side.

It's just that self-care component of do it to the best of your ability.

And I always aim for the.

.

.

It's endless.

Right,

Exactly.

And if a person does not stop that,

Then he or she will just be depleted and not able to handle the things that are meant to be handled and then the challenges that do come and ultimately not being satisfied with life.

And that's.

.

.

How much more is there if not that?

But I do want to just underscore again that one of the most important mind shifts to be able to really take care of oneself is to accept that I cannot control everything.

It is not my responsibility to neither control nor take care of everything.

And I trust that as long as I do my best,

The light of the Creator will assist the rest.

That rhymed with.

.

.

I didn't mean it to.

All right.

So a few tips.

You've never really done this,

But you write also.

So it's kind of connected in that way.

But journaling,

It's been an invaluable tool for me.

I started journaling when I was 16,

17.

And it's a really great way to give honest feedback to yourself effectively,

Gain deeper understandings of what you're thinking and also where you want to grow.

And just writing it out and there's science that backs this up helps you see things in a different way,

Changes your perspective.

And there's so many health benefits as well.

It's found to be the best self-care practice.

It's restorative,

Meditative,

And it even boosts IQ.

Can you believe that?

And it increases confidence and memory strengthening.

So for all those reasons,

But interestingly enough,

I found an old journal of mine recently.

And so I started to thumb through it,

Curious to kind of read that version of Monica way back when.

Can I read it?

No.

What?

Seriously?

And as I was reading my experience.

.

.

We'll have to have a conversation about this after the podcast.

Through the lens of who I am today,

It was really profound to see that version.

And what really struck me,

I think the most,

I felt a lot of empathy for that girl.

And what struck me was how little empathy and compassion I had for myself at the time.

I was so self-critical.

I was so mean to myself and my thoughts and in what I thought I deserved.

It was just,

It was a little painful to read.

And then I was like,

Wow,

I've come so far and I'm interested to see the things that I'm writing now,

What they'll look like.

I mean,

My journals now are mostly published.

At this point,

I write everything and then I publish it.

But as Kabbalah says,

Our thoughts are the birthplace for our entire life.

So I think that this one practice is a really,

Really great way to check in with yourself until you actually gain that self-awareness.

And then that voice in your head is the loudest one and not the other external voices that we give most weight to.

Only that you don't need the tool of journaling as much because it just becomes part of who you are.

You have access to that right away.

This is a good way to get that access.

The second tip and tool is one that we mentioned a little bit earlier,

That's sleep.

That was something that I didn't appreciate.

I used to sleep for even four hours,

Get up,

Go for a 10-mile run if that was the case.

I didn't do that all the time.

But if we had a late night out and just the things that you do when you don't have a healthy appreciation for all of the gifts in your life,

Your body,

Your health.

But more than that,

You just think,

Oh,

I don't have enough time in the day,

But I'll trim off my sleep.

Teenagers,

College students,

People in med school,

Poll all-nighters,

What's an all-nighter?

What's the big deal?

Or then we binge watch shows.

And even with me,

When I'm really,

Really overbooked,

If we go on a trip and I have meeting after meeting,

The thing that I cut is sleep.

But the irony here is that the more you sleep,

The more you actually accomplish the next day.

So that's what I have to say about sleep.

You can chime in at any point.

And then exercise,

Of course,

For me has always been a meditative experience.

And interestingly enough,

I mean,

I already knew this.

When I work out at the end of the work out or during it,

I'm solving problems.

I find solutions that I didn't have access to before.

I'm writing chapters that I'm stuck on in a book I'm writing.

I have ideas about a lecture I want to give.

As my body's going,

My mind becomes very still.

For other people,

Their bodies are still,

Their minds are still.

For me,

It's really about movement.

But what I realized recently about myself is that when I had ruptured the tendon and I couldn't walk for eight months pretty much at all without support,

When I finally started to be able to exercise again,

I mean,

Again,

I knew that it helped relieve stress.

I knew that it helped me clear my mind.

I didn't realize how much joy it gave me.

And I knew that I was less happy in the recovery.

I knew that.

But I was also frustrated.

I was depending on you a lot for things that I'm fiercely independent about.

But I didn't realize that joy.

So again,

Self-care.

And I know people say,

Oh,

I wish I loved to exercise.

Go for a walk.

Go for a walk five times a day throughout the day.

Listen to your favorite podcast,

Ours.

Hear your music,

Whatever it is,

Hear an audible book.

But just movement,

Movement of any kind throughout the day is so important.

And then the last one I would say,

Although I'm sure there's many more,

Is gut balance.

Dr.

Sherry Rogers said,

The road to health is paved with good intestines.

I thought you'd think that's cute.

So the gut is considered the mini brain or the ENS,

Which is enteric nervous system,

Which like your brain uses neurons to send information to other cells in your body.

And I think this is so fascinating.

Your digestive system tells your brain how it's doing and can dictate your emotional state.

And for a long time,

Scientists and doctors thought that if a person was depressed,

They had gut issues because they found that correlation.

But what they've come to realize that if a person has gut issues,

It often leads to sadness and not the other way around.

So you truly are what you eat.

And I do actually have one more,

And that would be gratitude and connecting to your source,

Which again is everything.

We talk about that often.

And I've shared this story.

I've had tea parties with God when I was little.

I had my tea with milk and sugar.

God took his black with lemon.

And we would sit and play,

And I felt safe and I felt happy and I felt secure and I felt loved and I felt like I belonged.

And that one memory in my childhood at age four,

I go back there often because it's a space that I felt safe and that I know was real.

And so I keep trying to go back to doing things that make me feel that feeling.

And I think that everybody can do that.

Find a time in your life where you felt safe and you felt happy and you felt knowing and you felt like you belonged,

But not from external feedback,

Really from an internal space where you just,

You felt good,

You felt happy,

And you didn't feel like you should be doing something else or something,

All that complication that we have.

So about gratitude,

We know that there are many conversations about that.

There's gratitude journals.

There's gratitude retreats.

There's different practices.

But that's not really what I'm referring to.

I'm talking about being awakened each day and living in that space.

So the idea of being awakened,

If you're really thinking about it in our own lives,

Were you in awe of seeing your child's face today,

For instance?

Were you in awe because you opened your eyes today?

Were you in awe because you could take a breath without coughing?

That's awakened living.

And I think that self-care on its ultimate level is living life like that,

Is seeing everything through the eyes of the creator and not through our illusionary eyes that take the wrong thing seriously and chase the wrong things.

And the last person that we give to is ourselves.

Absolutely.

And therefore,

I think what you're saying is that the really,

And I'm assuming people who are listening to the podcast are of that mind,

That the ultimate way of self-care and certainly is the way it works for me is a spiritual practice.

Ultimate.

All the other things support it.

Exactly.

And often dependent on it.

But having a spiritual practice,

Be it meditation,

Be it a study,

But really to take that time,

I have not found many people who are in the ultimate state of happiness that they are meant to have without a real consistent investment in their spiritual practice,

Be it whichever one.

As a matter of fact,

I've seen many people who were quote unquote spiritual,

Who even spend time giving of themselves,

But because they were not taking care of their own connection,

Their own study,

Their own meditation,

Their own spiritual work,

You see them a few years later in a completely different place.

And also somebody who is doing all the spiritual,

But they're not taking care of their body,

They're not eating well or sleeping,

Then the body's like,

You can't be in this body anymore.

You need it all.

And I think that's why I love that word awakened.

If you awaken every part of your being in each area of your life,

According to the body,

Mind and spirit,

It's going to be so clear.

Just have that awareness throughout your day.

It's going to be clear where you're falling short and what you need to do differently.

I do have a question for you before we end.

And I know you have the same exact question for me.

Did you ever find it difficult to put yourself first?

And if so,

Why?

What conditions or situations make you feel like you simply can't or should not prioritize yourself?

And what is the most recent.

.

.

That was like four questions.

No,

But it's all in one.

What is the most recent example of a time where you did not put yourself first and both you and others suffered as a result?

Maybe it's just the third question.

I'll answer the first because you said one question.

That's the easiest one.

No,

I think that in times of,

I don't want to use the word stress,

But in times with great responsibility,

When there are significant challenges and it makes sense,

You really don't have the.

.

.

Sometimes don't have the time for self-care.

So there have been times,

Certainly times in my life where there was a lot of things happening.

There was a lot of challenges and responsibilities that I really couldn't take the time.

Certainly as the years go by and I look at those challenges,

You personally have a different perspective on them,

But you also realize that maybe one of the most important things that you can do to really be able to handle challenges better and solve problems faster to make sure that you're carving out time for self-care.

And again,

For me,

Often self-care is study,

Is my spiritual practice,

Is also many other things.

And the older I get it,

It becomes clearer and clearer to me that maybe,

Especially in those times of great challenge,

In those times of great stress,

That's probably the most important time to carve out time for self-care,

In whichever way that we see it.

So certainly throughout my life,

There've been many times when I haven't taken that time.

And if you ask me why,

I would say,

I just don't have the time,

There's too many things happening,

Too many problems to solve,

And so on and so forth.

You're much better about it now.

Yes.

Because as you go through those cycles in life,

You realize,

First of all,

There's always a tomorrow,

And in order to deal especially,

Especially during the times of stress and challenge and problems,

You need to be,

Especially in those times,

Making sure that you're taking care of yourself and always emotional,

Physical,

And spiritual.

So I got this book,

I went to the bookstore with our daughter,

Our older daughter.

We were looking around,

We had like 15 minutes to kill before an appointment.

And so I went by the register and I saw this book says,

How to not always be working.

And I was like,

I think I might need this book.

And I thumbed through it and I opened this one page.

And I think I got the whole book just to read this one page.

So it's a list of like five things or six things that you can do in the day to make sure that you basically are taking care of yourself.

So the first two didn't really apply to me,

But this one did.

I will make myself some tea or run myself a bath.

I probably am overworked because I've not planned enough time to rest.

And I had to read that sentence three times.

I was like,

Enough time to rest?

What rest in the day rest is for bedtime?

When do you actually rest?

And I realized,

Because I was really in a funk that week because I was exhausted and I was burning the candle at both ends and I didn't see a way out.

And then I thought about it.

I looked at my schedule.

It was back to back to back to back to back meetings.

I might have had 10 minutes to run and make a tea.

I was hungry.

I was tired.

And then by the end of the night,

I was grumpy because I didn't feel like I had a day.

So then I was like,

I need to schedule time where there's not an appointment.

Like I just it didn't dawn on me.

Is that crazy?

So that is my commitment to self-care.

There were a few other ones here.

This one I thought was nice.

I'll treat myself to something nice now,

Like a walk,

A massage,

A phone call with a friend,

A phone call with a friend during the day.

That's for after hours.

Like I don't know when did they make these silly rules?

And then I was not involved or consulted.

Oh,

And this one too.

I'll put my phone down now and take some deep breaths.

I might be forgetting to breathe and drink enough water.

I think so sometimes.

Those are the three and it's like,

There's like the most basic,

I think levels of scare.

I'm really great at like have kind thoughts,

Like the deeper ways of self-care,

But the most basic,

I was shocked.

That's very funny.

Imagine my surprise.

Thank you for sharing that.

You're welcome.

So if you.

.

.

I mean,

Breathe and drink water?

If you would leave our listeners with a few or a short idea or encapsulation of the idea shared.

You're adorable.

I think I really tidied it up.

It's a very good.

.

.

Well,

What I would say,

I want to underscore the tremendous importance of this.

I think sometimes,

You know,

The different people have different extremes of this,

But there are very few things that are as important to longevity,

To a healthy immune system,

To less stressful living,

And most importantly,

A happier life than doing so much of what we spoke about today,

Which as you began with really knowing yourself,

Making sure that you're taking the time for your physical,

Emotional,

And spiritual needs.

Otherwise a person can go through life doing,

Doing,

Doing.

Until you can't,

By the way.

It's not sustainable.

Right,

Until you can't.

But ask yourself all the time,

What's the net effect?

Am I becoming happier?

And I think it's one of those questions that is so obvious once you start thinking about it,

But it's so elusive when you're not.

So I really hope that our listeners take this very seriously and on all levels really do the work that we spoke about during this podcast for the most important reason,

Because then actually your life will be happier.

So as always,

Make sure to send your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Stressful stories,

Self-care stories to Monica and Michael at kabbalah.

Com.

We read your letters and comments and stories and we share many of them with the rest of our listeners.

Also make sure to go to Apple podcasts,

Write five star reviews,

Share this podcast with everybody that you know and share this again,

Whether it's on Spotify and so on,

Anywhere you get your podcasts.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed and also I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.