Little Bent Not Broken - Featured Guest: Marisa (Season 4)

Well,

Hello everybody welcome to the stock stops here this is LW no lie presenting season 4 episode 3 Long road and a hard way to an easy life Cut me up cut me down using the same knife Packed up all your bags and put them on a shelf I'm all done fixing you going someplace else Little gray brings out the Sun know when to stay know when to run the mess is yours I'm all done rise baby rise You denied all that was me slowly tearing at the seams Nobody lives and nobody dreams rise baby rise On today's episode Tammy and I will be speaking with Marissa Marissa site on Instagram is at little bent underscore not broken Today she will share her story of surviving and healing from childhood emotional mental and physical abuse to help others in a similar situation or with a similar background feel seen and heard and to validate their experiences and emotions covert abuse in the form of Narcissism or gaslighting can disconnect the victim from their inherent inner voice and their intuition It is Marissa's mission to help other survivors Reclaim their birthright of self-love and compassion and empower them to live their lives full of freedom joy and independence welcome Marissa Hi guys,

Thank you so much for having me it's a pleasure.

Oh,

We we are thrilled you're here Marissa So thank you I have to I always acknowledge to guests who who publicly talk about their healing journey that no it is so hard to Just start one Stay on it and then Publicly share your story.

So you're brave on many fronts.

Oh,

Thank you so much and you too I you know you inspire me.

I love that we connected through Instagram.

That was so that was so great.

I Love Instagram more and more every day Right.

It's it's it's great.

It has its faults.

But overall I think it's a great place Yeah,

I agreed agreed.

So One of the first things I like to ask Is How and why you became interested in?

Breaking toxic cycles and generational trauma Yeah,

I Used to tell everyone that I didn't want to become my mom and that I had sworn off children Because I just wanted no chance to become her and people would say well just by saying that you're not gonna become her like that Awareness you've broken it whatever and I was like,

I don't I don't think so I don't want to take any chances with it And then as I got older and I started,

You know dating and and then I got into a really serious relationship I realized like oh,

I don't need to have kids to become my mom She's coming out in so many other ways like I'm snapping at my partner for the littlest things I'm closing up over confrontation like the slightest hint of confrontation I would completely close up and he would be very nice very respectful and he'd be like yo I'm just trying to talk like what's going on?

And I'm like,

I can't there's nothing coming out.

Sorry It's funny I relate to what you you say it's I Was saying I didn't want to be like my mother as a knee-jerk reaction without even able to articulate why?

Was it was visceral with absolutely no logic or reasoning behind it.

So You know,

I can definitely relate to that Yeah,

It's that was definitely my reaction to people talk about kids and immediately like nope Mm-hmm.

I'm not having kids even if it wasn't about me.

They weren't asking if I wanted kids They were just talking about kids and I'd be like,

No way.

Nope Right.

It's it's it's automatic.

I can't say it's it's automatic and visceral and Sometimes we make decisions in our life based on that Exactly,

Sometimes they're good and sometimes they're not you know,

It's when you're raised in a toxic childhood I think it's very hard to make Good decisions,

You know arising from authenticity Yes,

I know I find that you know,

I'm trying not to speak for everyone else I just do you know in talking to people like yourselves?

Like he these knee-jerk reactions sort of get in the way of living,

You know a True an authentic life.

Absolutely.

Oh,

I definitely agree Yeah,

I and I didn't hear about the term Generational trauma until maybe two years ago and I was like,

What is that?

And then I read a book about it and the epigenetics and everything and I was like this.

Oh,

Yeah crazy Can you can you know we should share with our listeners,

You know a little bit about your childhood,

You know If you're comfortable with that,

Yeah,

Um my childhood Was It was a mixed bag of things Overall looking back on it.

It was pretty it was pretty lonely.

There was a lot of fear.

I remember being scared of of My mom and just walking around on eggshells Trying to not you know set her off.

I remember I was a very Bubbly energetic kid and I just wanted to play and laugh and run and yell and you know Do all these things and it irritated her to her core She would blow up over it and she'd be like,

You know,

Shut up.

Leave me alone Get away from me And so I closed up really early like I think around seven years old is when I started fantasizing about running away about leaving about disappearing And It sucked she was faulting you for being you Yes,

Exactly.

That was you know,

We're all oh good.

Sorry.

I want to do what was causing her her rage.

Do you know?

Yeah,

I really don't Know I could give the answer that you know people parent the way they're parented.

I know she had a pretty rough upbringing as well but I think a lot of it too was She was always stressed out from work.

That's her.

I remember every day she come home and I'd ask her Oh,

How was your day?

She's like it sucked and she'd start complaining about work and the toxicity at work Unrealizing that she was bringing that same toxicity home Yeah So as you went through,

You know high school and call it or college if you went or young adulthood Mm-hmm Do you have any Experiences that you know a rock-bottom like experience or you know Realizations or moments that frightened you upset you to the point where you know,

You knew something wasn't right Yes.

Yeah,

So there were there were a few times and I can think of I think three instances where I feel like it was Rock bottom.

I mean from high school into young adulthood.

It was just a rollercoaster of extreme highs and extreme lows I'd get really depressed the suicidal thoughts were really loud Overwhelming and then I'd be fine and I'd be happy and it was it was exhausting.

Um,

Alright guys some valleys Yes,

Exactly.

So the first incident was my senior year of high school I was we had a choir concert.

It was the last one of the year and my choir director invited All of the seniors parents on stage is like a last hurrah for the for the pair excuse me for the seniors and I was the only one whose parents didn't show up and I remember I was on stage,

You know I feel like everyone in the audience is looking at me because I'm the only one that doesn't have a parent all of my friends See that my parents aren't here and I'm just like well this sucks and I think in that moment too,

Like I stopped Something in me kind of broke to where I didn't I don't have that need now for my parents to support me to be there For me it just stopped But then my my friend my friend's mom looks at me while we're on stage and she goes Hey,

You can be my daughter for tonight and it was so casual so small and I almost started crying I almost broke down on stage in front of everybody and I was like,

Oh my god Because it was it just I never felt support and it was the smallest hint of support,

But it was so overwhelming But I held it together long enough to get in my car and then I broke down I full-on wailed I had never cried audibly like that before but in the safety of my car,

No one could tell me to shut up No one could say stop crying or give you something to cry about I was able to just freely let it out and that's when I was like,

Whoa,

There is something So not okay going on in me right now Is that yeah every story that is heartbreaking Yeah,

Every time I think about it get a little choked up.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm sure I know it's you know It's it's very hard.

I always use this term this phrase warning the loss of people who are still alive Yes.

Yeah,

That's something I I read about too as I began my healing journey that yeah People talk about how if their parents were to die,

They wouldn't they wouldn't really care They would feel nothing because they're kind of already dead to them anyway So and you're using plural like like how many people like a lot of people you just the way you phrase that sense You have connected with a lot of people who feel that way.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah,

Just scary I mean,

What was your dad's role and you know,

Did he enable your mother was you know,

That's he?

He was just as angry as her he Was definitely more passive.

He never really stood up to her Never stood up for us as kids So There was also that lack of support there because I couldn't run to him Crying about it because then I was met with well,

That's just your mom and oh my god I hate that phrase so much.

I hated hearing it growing up.

I hate hearing it now So Just it's a big it is it just it just missed my feelings it dismissed her actions and it It hurt Ever think that I'm sure it does.

I believe you does does it ever?

Make you How is it affecting your you know?

Personal professional life.

Do you feel like you made any decisions that weren't great along?

Prior to your healing journey Because of you know lack of guidance I mean that's one of the things I made a lot of terrible decisions particularly professionally so yeah,

So I I did go to college but choosing which college to go through I was kind of stranded I Didn't know what I wanted to study.

I didn't know where I wanted to go to school and then There were kind of restrictions around where I could go.

I had to stay in state I could only go to certain schools because my dad's a vet So yes,

I got to go to college for free.

But on one hand like it.

Yeah wasn't necessarily the path I wanted so I Don't like bringing that up though because the wave of like you're ungrateful washes over me,

But I know that I'm not anyway And yes,

It's very easy for people to point the finger and then judge But you didn't have any the bottom line is you didn't have any sounds like you didn't have any guidance I really didn't so when I chose I went to San Francisco State which is about an hour and a half away on public transit and I was living at home still and I was commuting and It was an hour and a half one way.

So about three hours in total.

I was working three jobs I was in a sport.

I was just doing anything I could to stay out of the house and It was exhausting and I didn't realize at the time I thought I was just I thought I was just trying to get out of the house but really it was I was trying to just do things to Not feel the pain,

You know to just I had an addiction to busyness You know when I you know,

I talk about this a lot because we know we understand substance addiction we understand alcoholism but we don't understand an addiction to Behaviors that keep us from being real exactly and that perpetuates,

You know anxiety and depression Absolutely,

You know I had for years as a result of that So What was the?

Moment that you started your healing journey What caused it and what was that first step you took?

So the cause of it was definitely the Commuting to school working three jobs being in a sport and I hit burnout so hard I think it was just my second semester and I Scheduled a doctor's appointment and I to this day I don't know if I actually had a physical ailment or if it was my subconscious being like we need help And I was sitting in her office and we were talking and then I just broke down crying And I admitted for the first time out loud that I wanted to die I wanted to step in front of you know,

I was having thoughts about stepping in front of a in front of the next train About driving off the road all of these things and she was very taken aback very surprised And she immediately referred me to mental health services and that was the first time I had ever really talked to to anyone about what was going on and that was really the catalyst that that Snowballed into my healing journey.

I was in therapy in secret.

I didn't tell my family.

They didn't know I was taking antidepressants I was in there for a few months and then Thanksgiving of 2015 my parents found out Because they sent a bill to the house And I was driving home from house sitting for a friend and my mom calls me and she goes what is this bill for?

Psychotherapy And I was like,

Oh crap Okay So I've been going to therapy and she was like why?

And I said I was driving and I said,

You know what?

I'd rather I don't know where this confidence came from But I was like,

You know what?

I think we should talk about this when I get home and she was like fine and she hung up and I pulled over into The nearest gas station I started sobbing and I was like,

Oh my god It wasn't supposed to be this way And I get home and both of my parents are sitting they're sitting in front of the the dining or they're sitting at the dining room table,

Which is As soon as you open the door That's the first thing you see and they're sitting there with your arms crossed like they're ready to grill me interrogate like an inquisition Exactly.

Oh and I walk in there shut the door and I take a deep breath and my mom goes so what's going on and I said I'm in therapy because I am very stressed out and I have really bad depression and she was like,

What do you have to be depressed about?

And I was like without saying you it's you And I told her I said,

You know,

I'm stressed out from school and stressed out from work I'm stressed out when I come here because I feel like I can't breathe here I'm always walking on eggshells.

I can't take up space you all of a sudden I'm like,

Oh my god I'm always walking on eggshells.

I can't take up space you all of these things and I told her that the way she takes out her stress on everyone else is is harmful to me and she goes Well,

That's just how everyone does it I wrote a song about that.

It's called always been the way I'll have to listen to that Very reaction very exact reaction you're describing Very brave of you at such a young age to get mental Health help with zero support.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Thank you.

It was it was definitely scary And it's amazing that your parents were threatened by it rather than proud of you that you went to try to heal yourself Yeah,

I think about that a lot how their first reaction was was Anger instead of oh my gosh,

Like how can I help you?

What you know?

How are you,

You know and Forbid you should expose their behavior secret becomes becomes exactly Exactly,

And I mean that was just the story of my life was I couldn't go I couldn't talk to them about anything Which is why now as an adult it's so hard to have any kind of serious conversation my boyfriend wants to like sit down and talk about how I I don't know what I did I Did something and he's very calm and collected.

He's not yelling at me.

He's not screaming at me He's not gonna like hurt me in any way and I'm panicking.

I'm shaking.

My heart is racing.

I'm hot.

I'm oh,

You know So I'm still I'm still working on that.

But yeah,

So that day Yeah,

Then you've been conditioned to do that,

You know Exactly when you've had no one when you've had no one in your life to Just talk to you like a human being as an adult as a person and instead they scold you they reprimand you they threaten you They scare you You just walk through life thinking that's how everyone's gonna everyone's gonna treat you and it's trauma So you walk in and the mafia sitting at the Exactly my dad said a word Exactly.

My my brother is hiding in his room because he knows that the storm is coming My dad hasn't said a word.

My mom is just now she's saying that I'm an entitled bitch that I'm ungrateful.

I I Think I'm so entitled as a millennial and I'm like,

I'm entitled to therapy.

Yeah,

Actually I And I just it was Thanksgiving Day.

So then I had to get ready for the family coming over So I go in my room and I'm trying to get ready my dad comes in and we have a really nice heart-to-heart actually It was very surprising because my dad is not one to express emotion and he he asked me he was like so what is going on,

You know,

What is what is happening and I told him I said The way that she Takes her anger and her stress out on everyone in this house is not okay And he goes well that's just your mom and I said that's not that that doesn't mean anything,

You know,

That's not an excuse I told him straight up and it was the first time I'd ever talked back to my dad and it was really scary And he was like,

Okay,

So you didn't wait you didn't talk back to him you expressed a truth.

It's amazing how we automatically Label it that way.

Yes,

You are exactly right But I'm giving you more kudos.

Keep going.

I'm loving the story.

Thank you.

Um So then he asked,

You know,

So what do you want to what do you want to do and I said My goals in therapy are one I needed to talk to you guys and two I need to move out and he goes You can't move out if you move out you're cut off and that's something he had said to me for a really long time Which is why I never moved out and I asked him why and why is it that way?

And he goes cuz that's the way it was for me when I moved out was the last time I saw my dad He used to live in the Philippines.

He joined the Navy for the United States and his dad passed away while he was at sea so and Then I realized I was like,

Oh,

That's my dad's trauma.

That's my dad's fear.

So he thinks that if I'm So his fear is that if I move out he'll never see me again and I told him I said dad It doesn't have to be this way.

It doesn't have to be like that.

I can come visit.

I won't be far I'm going to school like 45 minutes away,

You know And he was very hesitant very reluctant and in the entire time the entire time in the background My mom slamming doors yelling about god knows what and he just kind of it kind of registered and he was like,

Hmm Okay,

Wow That's amazing.

That's unbelievable.

It was it was very shocking.

It was very surprising and he said,

Okay well I think you and your mom need to talk and you can we can have your grandma moderate and I was like Hmm maybe we'll see if that never happened mother whose mother my mom's mother.

Yes Yeah,

It didn't happen it didn't happen but uh,

So it was Thanksgiving Day we went about our day like normal I'm helping them clean up after everyone leaves and my mom and I have this like standoff in the living room of like who's Gonna say something first because I was house-sitting that week.

So I needed to leave and go take care of their pets and stuff and We just kind of stare at each other my mom goes,

I'm sorry that I made you feel that way Wow,

And I was like well That's as good as it that's as good of an apology as I'm gonna get that's big for her I can recognize that so I will take it We did this like the most awkward hug you could imagine and I and I left Um,

And then a few days later we went to lunch and we talked and she seemed to be a little bit calmer But that's how it goes,

You know,

She's blowing up one day and calm the next.

Yeah And I went to therapy the next week and she was so how was your Thanksgiving?

And I said well my parents found out about therapy and she goes oh shit I tell her the entire story and she was like so everything that we have been working on these last few months happened in the same day or you know are happening right now yet and We were both just we both sat there and the I remember we both were just so speechless we were shocked I didn't know how to feel because it was like All of this weight I had been carrying for 18 years of my life was kind of gone it felt It was amazing and she just kept asking.

Thank you.

She just kept asking So,

How do you feel and I was like,

I really don't know.

This is a foreign feeling to me.

I've never felt Relief,

I've never been able to breathe Yeah,

I look back on that day a lot and I try to remember that feeling because it's it's so empowering it felt so good So I did move out I moved into the I moved out twice so the first time I moved out I moved into a one-bedroom one-bath with five other girls never do that.

Don't ever do never do that Five girls no way one girl like dyed her hair blue.

There was blue dial over the bathroom.

It was gross anyway,

And then I And then I moved into my own place Uh one bedroom one bath a giant kitchen it was it was really nice I ended up getting a dog and I thought I was healed.

I was like cool.

I live on my own I mean,

I'm living in San Francisco with my dog.

Like I'm fine.

I'm totally fine now.

It was like a movie ending Yes,

Exactly,

But that's not how life works,

You know,

And then I I graduated college I got a I got a full-time job.

I was dating at the time and I Kept getting I was still I was still kind of depressed.

I was still really sad There were days where I could not get up.

I used to call it a while I went back when you still in therapy at that point.

No.

No,

We had stopped my therapist and I agreed that we accomplished everything I needed to so it was probably a good time to tend our sessions and And then I I wanted to go back but I just kept saying oh,

I don't have time.

Oh,

I don't I can't afford it Oh,

I can't do this.

I can't do that.

I kept making excuses for not,

You know putting my mental health first because I Had always been under the impression that you don't go to therapy unless you're in crisis and that's just that's not true That's something I have learned Uh,

You should everyone should I strongly believe everyone should go to therapy shitty childhood or not go to therapy No,

I want to preface a good therapist Yes,

Because I do a ton of reading and there's a lot of them that don't really and this is probably changing But they're that are not familiar with you know,

Shall we say narcissism?

Or you know The toxic parenting and the generational trauma Which is a fairly new topic Yeah There are not a lot of trauma-informed therapists and coaches and healers that's I think that is something that's changing though I think that's now Being a requirement as you go through the education system.

That's great to hear Yeah but but it's true that there are still a lot of people who don't have that that experience or that training or education and that can be very harmful for trauma survivors because it can be Dismissive it can it can just be you know more harmful than than good Marissa how does your I'm sorry Tammy?

How did your brother how what happened with your brother during all this?

How was his reaction or how did this affect him?

You know,

I really don't know Never talked about it about this Mm-hmm We never talked about it He would just kind of Ignore what was happening.

He would hold himself up in his room.

He always had headphones on and He's 18 now and I tried to have a conversation with him about like because I can see it I can see that it's affecting him too,

But he's He stands up for himself in like a different way than I did You know if my mom is telling him to do something while he's already doing something.

He's like I can't I can't do it I'm I'm busy,

You know,

And I'm like,

Yeah,

So he doesn't let her push him around not usually um There's still a lot of him.

Does he she treat him differently than you?

Oh,

Absolutely yeah,

He was definitely my mom's favorite,

But He definitely I think is developing.

He's developing a father wound I think I think he and my dad kind of have the same clash that my mom and I did in a different way because like I said my dad pretty passive but there are some things that he's trying to live vicariously through my brother and So,

Yeah,

It's definitely affecting him side note one time I was talking to my mom and she goes so your brother was talking to the school counselor and they say that he's depressed Like I mean,

I don't like yeah,

I believe it um,

Oh Is he getting help like what's what's happening?

And she's like,

Yeah,

He's just talking to the counselor,

But they're talking about therapy Yes Your first child Yeah,

No,

It's like you say Wow it is and and I Remember asking her to when we had that lunch after she found about my therapy She said like,

You know,

I've been told by many doctors.

I should go to therapy.

But instead I went to church counseling So I want to ask you a couple more questions,

Oh yeah,

Marissa so What books Videos You know Podcasts and you don't have to say mine even though I have a gun pointed to your head No,

But on a serious note What can you share resources that you have used?

That you know our listeners can access Yeah,

Um,

I think the first book that I had read that it wasn't necessarily like a healing book But I read the subtle art of not giving a fuck and that really did I know that yeah,

It really helped me like relinquish control I Had a problem with control of an anxiety and needing everything to go my way and it just really helped me like loosen the grip And and not take things personally like that was another thing I had to work on and Then Instagram like we've talked about Instagram has been a really great resource.

I think the first Post that that really opened my eyes to the healing world of Instagram was this post on gaslighting And I never heard that term before I didn't know what gaslighting was and there are two parts of the post that stuck out to me and it was You know the the red flags of gaslighting and it was when you try to explain how you feel they're dismissive They say you're overreacting or too sensitive and bells started going off in my head And then I saw they insist it didn't happen this way you find yourself questioning your beliefs and your opinions If your point doesn't match theirs,

It's wrong and I was like I could I finally had something to describe my mom because before when I would talk to people because I would overshare and I talk about my depression and my relationship with my mom and I would talk about what she would say and do and and But I could see it didn't strike a chord with them they didn't quite get it they were like,

Oh,

Yeah My mom's a bitch too.

Oh,

Yeah,

My mom,

You know Yells at me too.

And I'm like no,

But it's so different.

I think it's more than just yelling It's more than calling me a bitch.

It's it's Her hiding food from me.

It's her telling me.

Oh,

It didn't happen that way or oh You're remembering it wrong or oh,

I never said that and it it's it was a really good It it's it was driving me crazy.

So to have something to be like this is what she's doing.

Look at this it was very empowering So,

You know,

There's a book that was written a long time ago called men Women are from Venus men are from Mars or men are from Venus women are from Mars Mm-hmm.

I like to say if you're on a healing journey You're on Mars if you have no idea that you should be on a healing journey you live on Venus.

So Because you're what happens is you're around people that just yeah,

My mom yells too.

That's What yeah,

You know and I'll have people say to me Probably I'm much older than you but I'll have people say to me.

Oh You're into that psychology thing.

Mm-hmm Mm-hmm that woo-woo.

Yeah,

And I'm like,

Oh,

Okay You just exposed your fear of it.

So thank you.

Yeah Not on the same wavelength.

That's fine Yeah so that's that's you know,

I that's one of the things you might run into is it's it's kind of I Always call it.

It's lonely at the top of the mountain of awareness Definitely.

Oh,

I like Yeah,

We've met we've met a lot of people and speak to a lot of people who have gone through these things I mean you're not alone and we none of us are alone listeners.

You're not alone there are so many people who have been going through these kinds of Generational trauma and you figure out what's wrong with me.

Why why am I why is this happening to me?

And it's really a wonderful the healing journey is a wonderful thing yeah,

And that's why I Do speak about my journey.

I know I haven't had like a big t-trauma I guess this is considered little t-trauma,

But it's trauma and I that's my whole mission That's my whole mission with my Instagram page is I just want to help one Person feel less alone help one person who was in the same place I was in that didn't know the terms didn't know about Reparenting didn't know about gaslighting or narcissism or anything like that and just give them just empower them You know give them a voice give them tools and resources I think for me I do I do align with the spiritual aspect of healing too So one of the books I read was super attractor by Gabby Bernstein and I was awesome I like yeah,

She's great and I was like that book opened up like a whole nother level in my healing journey And it was it was so helpful I have like the deck of cards that I go through every day to for affirmation and reminders and I do I did listen to some podcasts.

I used to follow Dr.

Nicole a pair of the holistic psychologists on Instagram a lot of her work is very well,

That's right.

Yes I follow her that's right.

I forgot that was her name Psychologist so yeah,

She's fantastic brilliant puts out a lot of good work and that definitely did help me in the inner child healing part of My journey and I think in in self healing in general because like I said,

I hadn't been I haven't been going to Therapy and a lot of her posts Were very very very helpful in just finding the words and empowering and making me feel like oh,

I'm not crazy Like this is a thing that's happening when I shut down This is a biological response to to what I perceive or what my body and brain perceive as trauma So if you haven't followed Licensed therapists on Instagram.

I highly recommend you put out a lot of free helpful content And it's you can have like a mini therapy session every day.

So it's you're absolutely right So first I want you to read Tell us what your t-shirt says because it's one of my favorite sayings.

Oh it says,

Um,

What does it say?

Grow through what you go through Amen,

And then and it's one of my favorite sayings any last words of wisdom coming from such a young but very Old soul young person old soul.

Definitely.

I would love to hear what you have to say You know Yeah There's so much so i'm just gonna read what I had written Um,

I know that in my experience the combination of fear as well as hope that your abuser can change will keep you stuck That can keep you rooted in a relationship and an environment that is harmful to you So my advice is that you have to give yourself permission to leave to live your life No one's going to give you that permission It is highly unlikely that your abuser who is most likely unaware that they're abusing you is going to say Oh,

Wow,

You know what?

I have been an asshole You can totally leave.

I'm so sorry We are all worthy and capable of living an empowered life full of fear and fear And we are all worthy and capable of living an empowered life full of freedom love and independence And that isn't to say you have to do it alone Unfortunately in my case and in tammy's case and a lot of our cases,

You know We did have to pull ourselves up out of the darkness by ourselves But I knew at the end of the day I did have people who could support me within their capacity They might not have understood all of it,

But they loved me and they wanted the best for me That's fantastic,

Yeah That is fantastic.

Um,

Thank you.

So we'd um,

Really appreciate your your your your courage and your honesty There's not enough of it in this world.

Oh,

Thank you so much.

Could I have one?

I have one more piece of advice Okay,

Okay,

Um,

My second piece of advice would to would be to not make a problem out of something that hasn't happened yet So that planning for the future wanting a better life for yourself is equal parts What's the worst that could happen so that you can prepare but also what's the best that could happen so that you can manifest?

And look forward to something so take the answers to both of these questions Explore the root of the fear or start planning for the future you want And know that it's never too late to begin investing in yourself Bravo,

That's great You know,

And that's one of the things I used to do is proactively solve a problem before it ever even surfaced Not a waste of damn time.

That was right.

It's exhausting.

You just feel like oh this is gonna go wrong and then this is gonna go wrong and I have to make sure i'm I'm on top of everything.

It's exhausting.

It's a self-defense mechanism and control You know,

You're trying to prevent definitely,

You know You're so used to walking on eggshells all these years that you have to prevent things from happening and that's unfortunate Absolutely that that is true and it's the the kind of exhaustion That that hyper then vigilance instills in you is never cured by sleep Yes,

Amen.

It's not but so On that note we are going to um,

Let marissa go take care of her cat Thank you.

Thank you again so Thank you for having me.

It was so nice to meet you guys.

Thank you.

Hope to have you back on again.

Yes.

Thank you.

Bye A long road and a hard way to an easy life Cut me up cut me down using the same knife Packed up all your bags and put them on a shelf I'm all done fixing you Going someplace else a little gray brings out the sun know when to stay know when to run The mess is yours.

I'm all done rise baby rise You denied all that was me slowly tearing at the seams Nobody lives and nobody dreams rise baby rise One way conversation No one's satisfied Built myself a cage with rotten things inside knees against my mouth Ready for the ride Back to where it started with nothing left to hide A little gray brings out the sun know when to stay know when to run the mess is yours I'm all done rise baby rise You denied all that was me slowly tearing at the seams nobody lives nobody dreams rise baby rise One and a long road and a hard way to rise baby rise Cut me up cut me down rise baby rise Long road and a hard way to rise baby rise One and a cut me up cut me down rise baby rise One and a rise