Welcome back to IFS Meditations and Insights.
I'm Tim Fortescue,
Your guide on this journey toward wholeness through the lens of internal family systems.
Together we're creating a sacred space to explore,
Accept,
And love all parts of ourselves.
As we do this work,
We open ourselves to experiencing divine love and living more authentically.
Let's begin.
Today we're going to talk about,
Although it may be debatable,
Two of the most misunderstood emotional states we face.
Grief and anger.
We live in a culture that doesn't quite know what to do with either of these.
Grief makes people uncomfortable.
Anger is labeled as inappropriate,
Especially in spiritual spaces.
But in IFS,
We learn something powerful.
These emotions are not obstacles to healing.
They're a path to healing.
Both grief and anger are carried by parts of us,
By many parts of us in some of our And those parts are not random or broken.
They're incredibly wise.
They formed for a reason.
So today we're going to slow down and meet those parts.
We'll look at what they carry,
What they protect,
And how we can show up for them from a more self-led place with care instead of control.
So take a breath.
We're going in.
Let me share something with you.
Not long ago,
I found myself deep in a cycle of irritation.
Everything was getting on my nerves,
Whether it be little kids or a partner,
And I'd snap over the dishes,
Over someone being late,
Over a text left unread.
And I remember pausing and sitting for just a bit and asking inside,
What's going on with me?
That's when I heard it,
A part of me,
Tight,
Tense,
Sharp,
Say,
If I don't stay angry,
You'll collapse.
You're not going to be able to handle all this.
And underneath that,
There was a young,
Grieving part,
Still holding the sorrow of something I'd long told myself I'd moved on from.
That angry part wasn't bad.
It was protecting.
It had been carrying the emotional weight of keeping me upright and functional.
It believed that if it let go,
The grief would consume me.
Maybe you have a part like that,
Too.
In IFS,
We work with three key elements,
Protector parts like anger,
Judgment,
Overthinking,
People-pleasing.
These are the parts that step in to keep us safe.
Some are more proactive managers,
Some are more reactive firefighters.
Then exiles,
The younger,
More vulnerable,
Tender parts that hold pain,
Shame,
Loss,
Or unmet needs.
And then that self,
The core of who we are,
Calm,
Compassionate,
Curious,
Confident.
This is the part of you and me that can lead.
When it comes to grief and anger,
Anger is almost always a protector.
It flares up to keep you from feeling powerless,
Rejected,
Or vulnerable.
Grief is often an exile,
Even though those protectors grieve what could have been,
Not knowing that they can have that now sometimes,
Too.
But as an exile,
Often it holds a memory,
A goodbye,
A hope that died too soon.
Sometimes it's so deep,
It scares your whole system.
These parts,
As you know if you've been around this IFS world for a while,
Don't need fixing,
But man,
It's hard to put that into practice sometimes.
They need witnessing.
They need you.
Let's do a gentle check-in right now.
If it feels safe,
Close your eyes or soften your gaze.
Take a deep breath in.
And a little longer breath out.
Now ask inside.
Is there a part of me that's been loud lately?
See who shows up.
And ask,
What have you been trying to say?
What are you protecting me from?
If something,
If something comes up,
An image,
A word,
A sensation like a tightness in the chest,
Just notice.
You don't need to analyze.
And that can be so freeing.
Take that in.
And let those parts know that doubt that,
You see them.
But you don't need to analyze.
You just need to witness.
Now if you can,
Say this to that inner world.
Thank you for trying to help me.
I'm here now.
You don't have to do this alone.
Stay with that part for just a few more moments.
You can always pause this if you need to.
Not that you need me to tell you that,
But just as a reminder.
Let this part know,
I'll come back to you.
I'm learning how to listen.
Then gently return to your breath.
You can bring some life to the body and come back to where you are.
The parts of us that carry grief and anger are not irrational.
They're tired.
They've been on the front lines for a long time.
They've been trying to make sure we're not abandoned.
Not overwhelmed.
Not hurt again.
But here's the thing.
When we approach them with just a little more self-energy,
We create space for them to rest.
To soften.
And often when a protector,
Like anger,
Steps back,
We get to meet and help the exile.
That tender,
Often younger part it was guarding.
And yes,
Sometimes that's where the grief lives.
But that's also where the healing lives.
Where that healing can begin.
And that's true.
And that's hopeful.
Every part that looks like a problem is actually holding a story.
And every story deserves a witness.
You don't have to rush this work.
And you darn sure don't have to do it perfectly.
You just have to show up gently again and again with compassion.
So let me leave you with this.
You've heard me say it before,
But man,
I need to hear it again.
You are not broken.
You are a system of beautifully complex parts.
Some loud,
Some quiet.
All trying to help you survive.
Grief is not weakness.
It's a sacred messenger.
Anger is not dangerous.
It's a protector doing its job.
And beneath it all,
You have a self that can hold it all in love.
This week I invite you and me too for that matter to slow down.
To notice.
To say thank you to the parts that have been holding so much.
You are not alone.
You're not too much.
You're already enough.
