Today,
We're talking about forgiveness,
What that looks like,
Not just out there in our relationships with other people,
But in here inside our own internal world.
So if you can take a moment to pause and breathe with me,
Go ahead and do that.
Let it be a gentle breath,
No pressure to fix or do anything.
And just be with whatever is present in you today.
And when that feels complete,
You can come back to me and just going to share a personal story.
Not long ago,
I was driving my kids to school.
We're running late as we often are.
And one of my daughters wanted me to drop her off at a different place that took a little longer.
We're already running late.
I had a full day of client sessions lined up and just one of those mornings.
You probably had them too.
Let me know if you can relate.
But in this franticness,
I snapped at her,
Nothing huge,
Just a quick,
Irritated.
Why can't you just listen to me or something like that?
But the look on her face,
It got me and often after I dropped the kids off and have a little time to reflect.
And I noticed that there's a churning in my stomach.
And as I reflect that my parts are showing up,
One part was angry.
You're always the one holding everything together.
Of course,
You're overwhelmed.
It say to me,
Another part was ashamed.
You should know better.
You teach this stuff.
Maybe there's another part.
You're the dad.
She needs to listen.
And then there was the part of me that just felt small and sad.
That younger part of me that remembered what it felt like to be blamed for things that weren't really my fault.
That part didn't need to be scolded,
Needed to be seen and understood.
And these parts of me that seemed so harsh,
Just needed forgiveness,
Not from my daughter.
She moved on quickly.
Our kids often do.
It's important to repair,
But I heard recently that it only takes 30% of getting it right.
If we do the repair and that takes work,
But gave me hope.
But these parts of me didn't need forgiveness from my daughter.
They needed it from me.
So later that night,
When things had quieted down,
I checked in,
I let that younger part speak as well as the ones that criticized and were polarized on one side or the other of that dilemma of snapping at my daughter.
I journaled a bit,
Took some breaths and I told my parts,
I see why this hits so hard.
You've carried a lot.
And that experience wasn't dramatic or profound,
But it was healing.
Forgiveness in IFS isn't about forcing anything.
It's not about bypassing or pretending something didn't hurt.
It's about making space for the parts of us that are stuck in pain and being with them in a way that's honest and compassionate.
Sometimes the parts that hold grudges or shame or the ones that shame other parts do so because they think they're protecting us.
A manager might believe that staying angry keeps us safe.
A firefighter,
Those more reactive parts that are focusing on the here and now and what needs to happen to keep us safe might hold on to bitterness to avoid feeling pain underneath.
And often there's a tender exile beneath them both just wanting to be seen and loved.
Know that it belongs.
Know that it's really nothing it needs to be forgiven for.
It's little.
It just wants to be held.
When we meet those parts with curiosity instead of judgment,
We open the door to real forgiveness in ourselves.
And that manifests in our relationships with others.
So here's a simple invitation this week.
Ask yourself,
Which parts of me are holding grudges,
Shame or resentment?
Are there parts of me that I haven't forgiven for how they showed up in the past?
What would it look like to practice forgiveness,
Not by forcing it,
But by simply being present with these parts?
You don't have to get it perfect.
You don't have to rush it.
Maybe it's a quiet breath,
A journal entry,
A whispered word of kindness.
Maybe it's just saying to a part,
You did the best you could.
So this week,
Try to remember that forgiveness isn't a one-time decision.
It's a process,
A relationship.
And often the most powerful forgiveness is the kind we offer to the parts of ourselves that we've been hardest on.
Maybe it's those critics who other parts tend to demonize.
They're not alone.
Know that you're not alone.
We're in this together.
I'm walking right along with you,
Being aware of my parts too.
Take this affirmation with you.
May I meet every part of me with compassion.
May forgiveness unfold gently within.
May I remember I'm not my mistakes.
I'm the one who holds them.
