Take The Backwards Step

You could begin by evening out the breath,

So you might silently count 1,

2,

3,

4 on the inhalation,

And 1,

2,

3,

4 on the exhalation to help you to even out the breath,

The inhalation and exhalation.

Feel that sense of being absorbed into the rhythm of the breath,

The breath happening naturally with each life-giving cycle,

Drawing in the breath on the inhalation,

And relaxing and releasing on the exhalation.

Smoothing out the breath,

Just now allowing the breath to just be natural and easy.

You can imagine yourself leaving some busy place,

Whether it's your workplace or your home,

And making your way into nature,

Picturing for yourself somewhere in nature that you love,

Or just anywhere that appears to you now in your imagination,

Whether it's on a path,

Or in the woods,

By a lake,

Or by the shore.

Sensing that place,

The colors,

The sounds,

The smells,

The feeling of the air against your skin,

And the simple enjoyment of being in that place.

You can feel the shift in what normally occupies your mind as your senses open out to the scene.

You can feel your mind softening,

And the awareness just opening and starting to connect with everything.

And now feel yourself starting to walk,

Whether it's down a path,

Or a trail,

Or by the shore,

Towards some destination there.

It could be to the top of a mountain,

Or to the edge of the sea.

And just feel your body walking naturally,

Like you watch an animal walking down a path through its environment.

And instead of managing each step,

Just allowing the walking to happen on its own,

Effortless flow.

And feel yourself arriving at this destination,

And feel what it's like looking across this vista.

The openness,

The connection with nature,

A feeling of ease,

A feeling of well-being,

Of rightness.

Just feeling having arrived that there's nothing else to look for,

Nothing else to search for,

To strive for.

Feeling what it's like to experience this deep sense of relief,

Of settledness,

Flow.

And just turning back to look at this natural field of awareness that is around you,

Is inside of you.

A sense of sameness,

Both inside,

Outside.

The relief,

The connection,

The awe.

Just settling back into this natural state.

It's not so much a meditative state,

But just a natural sense of ease as the chattering mind relaxes.

And just a sense of having arrived that there's nothing else to look for than what's just right here.

And just sense for a moment what it would be like to walk through life in this same flow,

That things happening as they naturally do.

Just being awake to everything.

That some things hurt,

And some things feel pleasurable.

Some things take concentration and effort,

And some things are easy,

But that there is nothing to do.

Just feel yourself naturally moving through this space.

Letting things be without having a special experience,

But just allowing things to be for this moment.

If your attention wanders,

Or the mind starts asking whether you're doing this right,

Just recognize that little thinker,

That little meditator trying to do it right,

And thank it for helping out,

But just asking if it can step back and allow the experience to be just as it is.

The freedom of just what is.

Feel that sense of moving through the world without feeling anything is wrong.

Naturally responding to things happening.

Imagining,

As the Zen saying goes,

That things are perfectly managed by the unborn.

We'll spend just a few minutes here in this quiet,

In this ease,

This simplicity of just being.

In a few moments,

We'll conclude this practice,

But before we do,

You might see if you can just relax a little bit more,

And do this simplicity,

Being here,

The senses open,

The space open,

The awareness open,

Just allowing everything to come and go.

And as you're ready,

You can come gently back.

Opening the eyes,

Welcoming the whole visual field.

Maybe just doing a little stretch.

Jonathan Faust likes to joke that after you've listened to enough Dharma talks,

You realize that there's really just one Dharma talk that keeps giving over and over again.

And it goes something like this.

Behind all things that happen,

There's a basic sense of calm and ease.

And you just have to relax your grip on what's happening,

And you naturally experience it.

And living from that experience changes everything.

So thank you for coming this evening.

It's very nice to see you all.

Maybe I'll say a couple other things.

There's a song from Stephen Sondheim,

Anyone Can Whistle,

That expresses the same sentiment,

I think.

It goes like this.

Anyone can whistle,

That's what they say.

Easy.

Anyone can whistle,

Any old day.

Easy.

It's so simple.

Relax,

Let go,

Let fly.

So someone tell me why can't I?

I can dance a tango.

I can read Greek.

Easy.

I can slay a dragon any old week.

Easy.

What's hard is simple.

What's natural comes hard.

Maybe you could show me how to let go.

Lower my guard.

Learn to be free.

Maybe if you whistle,

Whistle for me.

I would guess that most of us are here because we have heard about this basic fundamental sense of calm and ease within experience itself.

And there's something there that deeply resonates for us.

And that experientially,

That we have moments where we know with some certainty that that's true.

And that leads us to want to follow this path that leads to kind of a clearer and clearer understanding of that fundamental reality as the most important thing that we can know about ourselves and our life.

And at the same time,

We experience this paradox of what is hard is simple,

And what's natural comes hard.

So tonight,

I just wanted to talk a little bit about,

As this awakening process starts to unfold for all of this,

And it starts mixing with these different parts of our personality that are expressed in all the different voices and opinions and thoughts that we have,

And how to make sense of that.

That what's hard is simple,

And what's natural comes hard.

I think of it sometimes like a board of directors inside of my head.

So there's lots of them in there,

And they have a lot of different opinions about everything.

Sometimes they're all in agreement,

Sometimes they disagree with each other.

But they're all pretty opinionated.

And I'll focus on two of those tonight,

Two of the members of the board of directors.

And the first one,

I'll call the manager that's focused on organizing us.

And it's,

It's always checking,

At least in my own head,

It's always checking,

Like,

How am I doing?

How am I doing right now?

And I think I first recognized that as I first started to meditate.

I wake up in the morning,

And I start checking with myself,

Like,

How am I doing today?

And what do I have to remember?

There's probably some things I should be worried about today,

And I haven't remembered them,

Because my mind is just booting up.

And I'm trying to,

So I have to kind of recall for myself all of those things.

Because if I don't remember them,

Then,

You know,

I might get into trouble.

And then I noticed that too,

In my meditation practice,

The manager is also right there waiting with that question,

Like,

How am I doing?

Like,

How am I doing right now?

I think,

You know,

Sometimes you have a good meditation,

Right?

And you think,

Like,

You know,

I think I'm really getting this thing,

This meditation thing.

It's really coming along nicely.

In fact,

Like,

If they were to grade us,

Of course,

They would never grade us.

But if they were to grade us,

I think,

You know,

I'd probably be in the top tier.

And I think probably,

Actually,

This class is maybe just kind of a basic class.

I think I need to find a more advanced class,

Because I think I kind of moved into that,

You know,

Or maybe I'll write a book about,

You know,

I think I could write,

Or of course,

Then it's not going well someday.

And then,

You know,

It's like,

I don't really understand this practice.

It's really not making much sense to me.

Well,

This is the manager,

You know,

This is the manager.

And I don't know how well you know your manager,

I know my manager pretty well.

And always,

Always,

Always there,

Always ready.

But the,

You know,

The difficulty with meditation is that,

You know,

The manager comes upon meditation.

And the manager just doesn't really understand that well,

This experience,

Because it's,

It's really a different sort of experience.

And fundamentally,

It's not a,

It's not a thought based experience.

And,

You know,

The manager just lives in a world of thoughts.

That's how the manager manages is with thoughts.

And maybe I'll give you,

I'll just give you an example.

Some of this may be autobiographical,

But I'll give you an example.

So I'm just going to strike the bell.

We'll listen to the sound of the bell for a moment.

You first hear the sound of the bell and you can feel,

You know,

Your attention is absorbed into the bell.

You can start to feel a certain calm come over you.

And the sound gets quieter and quieter.

And then there's kind of a stillness there.

And then it really starts to get interesting.

You know,

That stillness.

That sense of all of a sudden,

There's like a little moment,

An opening of calm and ease.

And sort of just,

Just for that second,

You're just right there.

And then you just have to pause for a second.

And the manager arrives and says,

You know,

That that bell thing is really great.

You know,

I think,

I think I need to get a bell at home.

And where do I get one exactly?

And I think,

I think I know a store,

Maybe I'll check online.

Or maybe it's really actually better to go to Asia because I hear that,

You know,

That's when you really learn meditation.

If you go to Asia,

And you can pick up a bell while you're in Asia,

Of course.

And,

And I don't know if I'll go by myself,

Or maybe I'll take a friend,

Because I had a friend who went who said it was good,

But I think I'd rather go alone.

And I won't continue.

But this is the manager,

Right?

This is the manager.

And you can ask yourself,

Like,

I think there was a bell like a second ago.

But it's,

It's,

It's so distant at that point that you can hardly remember that it happened.

Or the manager just gets bored with the bell and just decides to think about something else.

You know,

There's so many great meditation distraction stories.

But I'll just tell you one,

Which is from Gil Fronsdale,

Very wonderful teacher out on the West Coast.

It's been very important for me.

And he explained that he was on a long meditation retreat.

And he actually spent most of the retreat thinking about how to design a better helicopter.

And he had several weeks to work it all out in his head.

And when he got to the end of the retreat,

The most remarkable thing was,

In his words,

That he doesn't know anything about helicopters.

So,

So we all we all have this experience.

You know,

We all have this experience.

And,

And I think the first thing that happens is that you can get mad at the manager.

Because you heard the bell,

And you had that experience.

And then all of a sudden,

It's gone.

And you can blame the manager.

But I think a really key insight for me is that the manager itself is not ill-willed.

That it is most fundamentally trying to help you.

And misdirected,

Yes.

But the problem is that with meditation,

The manager just does not know anything.

So,

So all it can offer is thoughts and opinions and so forth.

So another member of the board of directors,

At least my board of directors,

Is,

Is the doubter or the critic.

Who's definitely harsher than the manager.

And can doubt the teachings,

Can doubt the teachers,

Can certainly doubt my ability to actually get it.

And also can be just a little worried that when you experience this natural sense of ease,

That you're left a little defenseless.

So like,

What could happen to me,

If I actually just drop into this experience?

Who knows,

Right?

So I think,

Again,

The first,

The first step,

Critical step is to recognize that the critic or the doubter is also well-intentioned,

Despite the harshness,

That is trying to help,

Wants you to succeed,

Most fundamentally,

Wants to protect you.

And there's a very interesting intersection with contemporary psychology.

There's a man named Richard Schwartz,

Who's a family therapist.

And he started all of his work with conflicts within the family.

And one thing that he found is that when there was a critic within the family,

That often working with the family as a group,

He would ask the critic to step outside for a moment,

Or just to allow other people to speak,

Other family members to speak.

And then later realized that in a very similar way,

We have these parts of our personality,

That sort of work like in a family inside,

Inside of us.

And,

Again,

Each of them trying to help us in one way or another.

The critic worried that we're not going to get it right,

The doubter trying to protect us and navigate.

And that we can work with these different,

These different parts,

These different personalities,

In the same way that you would with,

With a family system.

So,

So most fundamentally,

Really,

Like,

The essence of mindfulness is,

First,

That perception of what's happening.

Because without that,

There's no change.

But that perception of identifying for yourself,

If it's helpful,

I mean,

What is that part that has suddenly appeared for me?

Is it the manager or the critic or the doubter or someone else?

Saying,

Oh,

Okay,

So there you are,

Okay,

Hello again,

You know.

And,

And then allowing that person to say whatever it's going to say.

The second part is realizing that that,

That part is not you.

But that part is not you.

And I think I may have told the story recently of the teacher,

Locke Kelly,

Who,

Psychotherapist and meditation teacher,

Who was working with a client who was suicidal.

And she recounted to him how there'd be some days where she would feel very strongly like she was going to end her life.

And he asked her,

Well,

Why haven't you done it yet?

And she said,

Well,

There's another part of me that then comes in and tells me that I shouldn't do it.

And then he asked the question,

Well,

Who is it that is listening to both parts?

Because there's somebody who's listening to both parts.

Who is that person?

Who is that?

And next time she came in and talked to him,

She said,

That's actually me.

It's like me.

And that me is not either one of those parts.

Right?

Or the story that you may have heard about Eckhart Tolle,

Who awakening began when he was also at the point of taking his own life.

And he heard this voice inside of his head that said,

I can't live with myself any longer.

And a voice that he knew very,

Very well.

And he thought that I can't live with myself.

So who is this one that is asking that question?

It's not the one that's suicidal.

Who is that?

So the 13th century Zen master Dogen refers to the backward step in Zen.

He says,

Take the backward step and turn the light inward.

Your body-mind of itself will drop off and your original face will appear.

If you want to attain this,

Immediately practice just this,

The backward step.

And I think there is that sense where you say that the backward step,

Like for a moment,

It's like,

Ah,

I got it.

The backward step,

It just seems so natural,

So easy.

There's just a simple okayness right there.

And that little space too is fresh and feels natural,

But also a little unfamiliar.

Or maybe even it feels a little shy,

Like it's not been out much.

And also because non-thought-based knowing is so different than thought-based knowing of the world.

It's almost like we feel sort of naked or vulnerable without thoughts.

I remember a long silent meditation retreat I was on.

And during the break from one sitting to another,

I had a plan.

I often had a plan what I was going to do during my breaks,

Since there was not much else to think about.

So there was a particular spot,

It was winter,

There was a particular spot in the retreat house,

Had a nice view.

And so I left the hall early so I could get that seat.

And I did.

And I put my coat down and I got a cup of tea and I sat down.

This is going to be great.

I'm setting this up.

This is going to be great.

I got that nice spot by the window and I got a comfy chair and I got my cup of tea.

And I sat down and everything was perfect.

And I thought to myself,

You know,

The only thing that's missing is a nice thought.

Let's see,

What would be a good thought?

So then I started trying to find some good thoughts to go through my head.

And then I realized,

What am I doing?

It's like,

I don't need a thought.

In fact,

When you start with the thoughts,

Actually,

It kind of breaks the spell a little bit,

Right?

So I think when we take that little backwards step,

The manager can have a lot of questions.

He can have a lot of questions about,

First of all,

Is this it?

I mean,

First of all,

It can't be this easy,

Right?

All this that they're talking about,

It can't be this simple.

A little backwards step,

Suddenly you're right there.

Or if it is it,

Is there another in?

It's pretty good.

Manager might say,

This is pretty good,

But there's probably another one of these somewhere.

So maybe we should not stop here.

We should kind of keep going.

It's hard to imagine this is the actual end of the road.

So here's,

Maybe try to put this all together for you.

I would say,

First,

Is to just have a little sensitivity of these different parts,

These different members of the board of directors,

And recognize them.

And when they arise,

Not to feel,

Again,

Disappointed,

Or that they upset that they're here to distract you.

But first,

Recognize that they're trying to help you.

I mean,

Actually,

They've been a lot of help throughout your whole life,

Right?

And continue to be help throughout your whole life.

So they're actually vitally important.

They're trying to help.

They're trying to help with the meditative practice with this path in the same way they try to help with everything else,

Right?

So you can recognize them.

You can even thank them for all of the hard work that they constantly do for you in everything in life.

But then just ask,

Is it okay if you just give us a little space right now?

Can you just give us a little space?

And if so,

If that part of you says,

Yeah,

Yeah,

That's fine.

Actually,

I'm kind of tired from being a manager.

It's sort of exhausting.

I would love to just kind of relax for a little while.

Then you can just return to that,

Again,

That immediate sense of stepping back,

The backward step into this just space.

Lots of words for it.

Presence,

Self-essence,

Awake awareness,

Lots of different words.

But the words aren't so important.

And just have a sense of it.

Now,

It'll go.

It'll disappear.

Right?

You know,

And then the manager will say,

Like,

Well,

I told you,

Like,

This is not,

You know,

This is what you're looking for.

This is just kind of just comes and goes.

But again,

You say,

You know,

Thanks again for your help.

You know,

Is it okay if you just,

Just relax for a little bit?

You know,

Just relax.

Step back for a second and see what's happening.

So maybe I'll do this little practice together to work with this a little bit,

If you like.

Just again,

Adjust your posture,

If you like.

And again,

Check for some alignment.

You can be alert,

But relaxed.

And just feel your body in the chair,

The force of gravity holding you here in place,

Holding everything in place.

You can just ask this question of who or what is here right now trying to do this practice.

Sense the one who's listening to these words is focusing,

Trying to do it well to get it right.

You might even see if you could locate that part,

Physical location in your body,

Could be in your head,

Or it could be someplace else.

And recognizing that this is one part of you,

It's not the whole.

And saying quietly to yourself,

Oh,

This is part of me.

The part of me that wants to try to do this right.

Noticing the energy around that part,

Its tone,

Its feel.

And you could just say gently,

I see you.

And with respect and interest,

Ask this part,

Would you be willing to give me just a little space?

Not disappear.

But can I be with you?

Rather than just be blended with you?

There's no pressure,

Not forcing anything,

Just an experiment,

Invitation.

So with some interest,

This gentle invitation,

Would you be willing to give me a little space?

And what is it like to have this part step back slightly?

And what's the quality of awareness that locates and sees this part right now?

Or is there a little more space or a little more openness now?

And let this part know that you see it and you appreciate its effort.

You might even say,

I know that you're trying to help me and I appreciate all you try to do for me.

And if it feels right,

You can ask,

What are you afraid will happen if you don't help me?

What might be the worst thing that could happen if you stepped back?

You don't need to force an answer.

You may just get a feeling in response to the question.

And then just check for awareness of what is seeing this part.

Is it small or big?

Or is it spacious or contracted?

Can you feel this awareness that's not a part?

That's just the space in which the parts arise.

And if you start to feel that you're now an observer of that part,

You can ask whether that observer can step back as well.

Just rest for a moment.

Interested in the qualities that are here.

A stillness or openness.

Sort of a softness to experience.

And since the part is still here,

But it's not in the lead.

And the lead is now this just simple presence or openness or clearness that can be with the part.

See if you can just leave this field open.

And if other parts arise,

You just notice them.

Let them be here too.

You can welcome them.

And just take a few slow breaths.

Remember this feeling the openness that sees the part that is actually always here.

You don't have to search for it.

It's actually who you are.

And again,

You can come gently back.