Processing Overwhelming Thoughts

Day two.

I can process overwhelming thoughts.

So by lunchtime of day two,

I was getting a little bit used to the routine.

We would get up,

Meditate,

Have a rest and some food,

Get back to meditation,

Have a rest,

Have some food,

And so on.

But those rest periods,

After we ate,

Lasted about two hours.

And that was two hours of time to just sort of be with yourself.

You couldn't talk,

You couldn't engage with entertainment,

Couldn't access your phones for social media.

There was nothing to do but really sit and observe nature.

So I found myself outside in the sun,

Just sitting,

Just allowing my mind to wander,

And just being there.

I was grateful for the moment,

Grateful for the experience,

And happy to be in this space with fellow meditators,

Even if I couldn't talk to them,

Or really get to know them.

Just to know that there were people around me doing something similar,

And sort of embracing the process as a whole.

But the mind being the mind likes to throw up problems.

Particularly if you're like someone like me,

Who has experience and a history of anxiety and other mental concerns.

It's easy for your mind to throw up thoughts that can be,

Well,

Triggering,

And derailing,

And potentially overwhelming.

Particularly if you just allow your mind to sit as I was.

So I was sitting,

And then a thought came.

A small thought at first,

But one that quickly grew,

And grew,

And grew,

And threatened to completely overwhelm me,

And made me want to quit.

I realized that I have automatic payments coming out of my bank,

And I started to worry that I didn't leave enough money in my account to pay for these automatic payments.

I started wondering,

What happens if those payments get cancelled?

Will it result in my business being impacted?

My business being impacted?

I couldn't remember,

Because I knew that a couple of days before the course,

I did run out of money in that account,

And I did have to top it up,

And sort of rejig my finances a little bit.

So there was a legitimate area of concern.

Maybe I didn't fix it up properly.

And that little seed of anxiety,

That little seed of doubt,

Cascaded into deep feelings of anxiety and worry.

I first went down that path,

And whilst that is objectively a small issue,

It quickly compounded into something much larger.

I realized that whilst I told people that I was going away for a 10-day silent retreat,

And that I wouldn't be contactable,

The only person I knew specifically where I was going was my partner.

My partner,

Who was now in sole control and care of my children.

So then I worried,

What if something happened to her?

What would happen to the kids?

How would they contact me to let me know if something happened to her,

So that I could help my kids?

And on and on and on,

It went from something small,

To something big,

To something large.

And I realized very quickly,

I was having a full-blown panic attack.

I was laying in the sun,

Unable to speak to anyone,

Unable to touch my phone,

Unable to do much of anything,

Other than just be with.

Internal panic.

My heart was racing,

My breathing was getting heavy,

My body was getting tense,

And I felt deeply compelled to head directly to the management,

And demand my stuff back,

And just leave.

But then I remembered.

I remembered the words of my partner,

And the words that were given to me by a friend who recommended that I do the course.

They both said,

Just stay.

Just do the practice.

All you need to do is meditate.

Do not leave.

So I'm like,

Okay,

What can I do here?

If I'm going to assume that I'm not going to leave,

How can I process these anxieties?

How can I close the door on an unknown?

Because if I had access to my phone,

If I could talk,

If I could do something to actually address it,

I would be able to close the boxes.

I could check my bank account,

I could let other people know where I am,

I could better implement situations to solve all of the different things that were arising in my mind.

But that wasn't an option.

And if I've committed myself not to quitting,

I have to deal with this internally.

So I took a step back.

I began the practice of anapana,

As suggested in the previous session,

Focusing my attention on the breath at the nose.

But I also added some slow,

Calm breathing.

Just a box breathing.

In for four.

Hold for four.

Out for four.

Hold for four.

All drawing attention to the sensations in my body.

Noticing my heartbeat.

Noticing the tension.

Noticing the breath.

And just being aware and labeling it all.

These are the sensations of anxiety.

These are the sensations of a panic attack,

Of overwhelm.

And this process of detached observation,

Of calm breathing,

Of mental reframing helped me to calm down enough to work through the problems in my mind one by one.

I realized that the money situation was a small and insignificant issue.

First of all,

I didn't know if a payment was coming out.

Second,

I didn't know when it was coming out.

Third,

There's every chance that there would be enough money in the account.

And fourth,

Even if there wasn't,

No service would be cancelled instantly.

Corporations want their money,

And will do their best to ensure that they get it.

Thus,

They would allow me more opportunities to pay.

And on and on and on,

I started to realize and just sort of talk myself through the feelings,

Talk myself through the intrusive thoughts,

All the while keeping my attention on the breath and on the body.

And if panic started to come up again,

Physical sensations,

I just practiced some slow,

Calm breathing.

I realized that my partner would have told my mother where I was going.

I realized that my mother,

Being my mother,

Would have ensured that she knew.

I realized that there were different things happening and things in place that would have ensured that even if something did happen to my partner,

I would be informed if necessary.

I realized that,

Well,

The world will be fine without me,

Because that was the crux of the problem.

Going away for 10 days into silence is one thing,

And it's confronting in its own way.

But the act of disappearing from the world,

Of stopping,

Of putting your business and life and everything on hold,

Is deeply confronting in another way.

And that was the crux of the feeling.

Once I identified that,

That I was afraid that I would have to let go of control.

Once I identified that core fear,

It all actually dissipated.

My heart rate returned to normal,

My body unclenched,

My breathing returned to calm and regular.

And I was able to get up and return to the meditation and just continue with the sessions.

Over the next few days,

These thoughts of anxiety arose,

These same thoughts.

But very quickly,

I sort of responded to those thoughts,

Walking myself through an abridged version of what I took an hour or two to process.

Deeply comforted by the knowledge that I'm able to process such anxieties,

Such overwhelm,

Such triggers internally.

I've done all I could I've done it once.

With no help from anyone or anything external,

I was able to sit with and process it.

And I knew from then on that no matter what arose in my mind,

I'd be able to handle that as well for the rest of the course.

And things did arise and I'll get into that in later sessions.

I'll be able to deal with it.

It may be anxiety inducing,

It may be confronting,

It may be overwhelming.

But because I was successfully able to process,

To handle,

To manage,

All it took was time and effort and detached equanimity and awareness.

Because I was able to use the tools and techniques I was learning and have learnt,

I was able to process it.

And I'll be able to process new things that arose.

Applying this to my life and to your life,

You can look back at times where you were able to be successful at something.

If you've done it,

You can do it again.

Apply the lessons learnt of times where you've overcome adversity,

Where you've beaten a challenge,

Where you thought you couldn't do something but you could.

And everyone has had these moments and it's easy to discount these moments and it's easy to discount them if they're further and further into the past.

But I encourage you,

I implore you to consider how the things you've done in the past can empower you to do future things,

Can empower you to overcome the challenges of the present.

You have dealt with pain successfully,

You have dealt with anxiety and rumination and panic and fear and overwhelm successfully.

Or at least there's aspects of success in the ways you've responded to those things.

Remember that,

Remember that you were able to do that and have that faith and that trust that you'll be able to do it again.

Because once you know you can,

You can plant that seed of confidence in your mind and you'll be able to do it again.

This is a gift that you can give yourself from now into the future.

So really do consider what you've successfully overcome.

So the technique that I want to suggest to you is an extension of what I used to process the overwhelm that arose that day.

It's called the chapter of the mind.

That arose that day.

It's a combination of box breathing with internal awareness.

If you notice that you're in a state of overwhelm,

Your belly is clenched,

Your heart is beating,

Your breath is racing.

The first step is just to notice your internal state,

What's arising.

Then when you realize you need to take some action to do so,

Not with the attitude of fleeing or escape,

But with the attitude of perhaps a detached mechanic,

Noticing that there's a clinking sound or that the tires need to be pumped up.

They're not emotional about it,

They just do the work that needs to be done.

Okay,

I'm overwhelmed,

My heart is beating,

My breath is racing,

My belly is clenched.

Something needs to be done to regulate.

I'm going to implement the tool of box breathing and self-observation.

And to do so,

You simply sit calmly,

Draw your attention to the sensations in your body that are arising,

And breathe.

You breathe in for four seconds,

Hold for four seconds,

Out for four seconds,

Hold for four seconds,

In,

Hold,

Hold,

Hold,

In,

Hold,

Hold.

Keep breathing in that pattern for the next minute on your own,

And while doing so,

Just draw your attention to the sensations in your body,

Note any physical tension,

And just attempt to release the muscles.

Notice your heartbeat,

Notice the thoughts that are arising,

Giving no judgment,

Giving no worth to anything other than just the fact of noting they are arising,

All the while maintaining the breath.

In for four,

Hold for four,

Out for four,

Hold for four.

Let's give it a try.

So,

How did you go?

Today we looked at the idea that if you've processed and handled and managed adversity,

Or pain,

Or overwhelm,

Or triggers,

Or anxiety in the past,

You'll be able to do so again in the future.

And the way we looked at doing that was through the practice of combining box breathing with internal awareness.

To do so,

You notice that you need to make a change,

You notice the fact that your breath is racing,

That your heart is beating fast,

That you have bodily sensations and tensions,

And that your mind is feeling lost in rumination,

Or anxiety,

Or overwhelm.

And you make the choice to take action,

And the action you take is to do some box breathing.

That is controlling the breath,

And breathing in for four,

Holding for four,

Out for four,

And holding for four.

Whilst observing the sensations that are arising in the body,

The heartbeat,

The physical sensations and tensions,

And internal mental constructs.

And to be clear,

The practice of controlling the breath is not a Vipassana technique,

But it was something that was useful in conjunction with,

To help process the triggers and overwhelms that was arising.

And as with everything that I do here on Insight Timer,

I encourage you to use what works to help you to best thrive.

So if you find that the addition of the toolbox of box breathing is for you,

Use it.

If it doesn't work,

Or you'd prefer to practice a more pure Vipassana,

One in which you just focus on what is arising,

The sensations in the body,

With equanimity,

With no aim to control or change,

And just pure observation,

Then do so.

Try everything,

And keep what works for you.

I encourage you to sit with any thoughts,

Feelings and insights that has arisen,

And take some time to explore the practice if you so choose.

And if you have any questions,

Would like some further clarification,

Or have an insight you wish to share,

Please do so in the classroom.

There,

I'll be able to give you a voice response,

And you'll be able to read the questions and answers from other students.

This is an opportunity for deep learning,

For the introspection and insight,

So please don't miss out.

I look forward to seeing you in the next session.

Thank you.

This track was taken from the course,

The Path Within.

Lessons from a 10-day Vipassana retreat.

It's out now on InsightTimer,

And available through my profile.

I invite you to check it out.