Somatic Boundary Healing: People-Pleasing Recovery

So hi everyone and welcome.

Thank you for joining me for this journey,

For this meditation.

So today we are going to explore something that millions of people,

If not more,

Struggle with but rarely understand.

Why the word know can feel absolutely impossible to say even when every cell in your body is screaming that you want to say it.

Now picture this scenario.

Someone asks you for something.

Maybe it's your time,

It's your energy,

It's your help,

It's your presence and you immediately know that you don't want to do it.

You are already overwhelmed,

You have your own needs to tend to or you simply don't want to say yes.

But somehow what comes out of your mouth is of course or sure no problem I'd be happy to help.

And as soon as the words leave your lips you feel that familiar sinking sensation in your stomach which can be a mixture of resentment and regret.

Just wondering why you just agreed to something that you absolutely didn't want to do.

And later you lie awake at night mentally rehearsing how you could have said no.

You imagine yourself being a clear,

Confident,

Comfortable with disappointing others.

But as soon as the next request comes you find yourself in exactly the same pattern saying yes when you mean no.

Sacrificing your own needs to avoid the discomfort of potentially upsetting someone else.

Now if this resonates with you,

I want you to know something.

You're not someone with weak willpower,

You're not a pushover,

You're not fundamentally flawed.

What's happening when you can't say no is actually a nervous system response that developed to keep you safe and it's called the FON response.

It's just as valid and intelligent as fight-flight-or-freeze.

The FON response is your nervous system's strategy of maintaining safety through appeasing others,

Through making yourself useful,

Agreeable and not threatening.

And at some point in your life,

Often very early in most cases,

Your nervous system learned that your safety,

Your belonging and maybe even your survival depends upon keeping other people happy.

You may have learned that saying no was dangerous.

Maybe it led to anger,

Rejection,

Punishment,

Abandonment.

Maybe you discovered that being good,

Helpful and accommodating was the only way to receive love and acceptance.

And then your nervous system made a brilliant adaptation.

If I always say yes,

If I always please others and if I never disappoint anybody,

I'll be safe,

I'll belong and I'll be loved.

If I always say yes,

If I always please others,

If I never disappoint anyone,

I'll be safe,

I'll belong and I'll be loved.

Now this is what could be happening.

Your adult life is being run by a childhood survival strategy that no longer serves you.

You're saying yes to things that drain you,

Overwhelm you and take you away from your authentic needs and desires.

So today we are going to help your nervous system understand that saying no is not only safe now,

It's also essential for your well-being and also your ability to show up as your true self.

You're going to explore what saying no feels like in your body,

Practice accessing that feeling safely and learn to trust your own internal no even when it disappoints others.

Find a comfortable position where you feel safe now to explore this work.

For some people it can bring up emotions.

Just be gentle with yourself.

Just do what you need to do to be comfortable,

To feel safe.

Now you can keep your eyes open,

Closed.

You could be sitting up,

You could be lying down.

Just let your body decide what you need to feel comfortable and safe.

Let's begin now by helping you recognize what your authentic no actually feels like in your body.

Because many people who struggle with boundaries have lost touch with their own internal signals.

Place one hand on your heart,

One hand on your belly.

Take a few natural breaths and settle into this moment.

I want you to now think about something you absolutely love doing.

Something that brings you joy,

Energy and aliveness.

Maybe it's spending time in nature,

Creating something with your hands,

Playing with your children,

Reading a book,

Being with someone you love,

Going to the gym,

Eating something you like,

Anything.

I absolutely love doing this and I'm thinking about it now.

Feel what happens in your body when you think about this thing you love.

Does your breathing deepen or become more relaxed?

Do your shoulders now drop and soften?

Does your chest open and expand?

Does something in you say yes to this without any effort?

Now this is what your authentic yes feels like in your body.

It's not forced.

It's just a natural expansion,

An opening.

It's a complete alignment between what you want and what you're considering.

And your body knows the difference between an inner yes and an inner no.

So let's explore that now.

It can be an event from the past.

It can be something that you may be currently experiencing or it could be recent.

Think about something you feel obligated to do but don't actually want to do.

Maybe it's a social event that you feel you should attend,

A favor someone asked you that you don't want to do and maybe a commitment you made from guilt that I'd just say yes because I don't want to disappoint them.

It can be anything.

As you think about this obligation,

What happens in your body?

Does your breathing become shallow?

Do your shoulders tense?

Does your chest feel tight?

Do you feel something is heavy or pulling you back in your body?

Now this is what your authentic no feels like.

It's not necessarily dramatic.

It might be subtle but your body contracts,

Resists or loses energy when you think about things that aren't aligned with your truth.

Now the problem could be for many of us,

We've trained ourselves to override these internal signals.

We have learned to ignore our body's wisdom in favor of external expectations.

But here is the profound truth.

Your body is always telling you the truth about what serves you and what doesn't.

Me listening or not listening is a different story but my body is always telling me what serves me and what doesn't.

Your nervous system knows the difference between a genuine desire and an obligation,

Between authentic connection and people-pleasing.

But if you learned early on that your internal signals were dangerous,

That wanting what you wanted leads to problems,

You may have developed the ability to shut down these signals entirely.

Let's practice now reconnecting with your internal guidance system.

I am going to guide you through several scenarios and I want you to simply notice your body's response without any judgment.

Now you may want to close your eyes if you haven't done so already just so you can be a little bit more tuned in for this part that's completely optional.

Now someone asks you to work late on a Friday when you had plans to rest.

Notice does your body expand which may be a yes or contracts which may be a no and without any judgment observe this.

We'll try something else.

A friend has just invited you to a gathering where you'll know very few people and you're already very tired and you want to say no.

Notice again expansion or contraction.

Now someone has just asked you to take on a project that sounds really interesting and aligns with all your skills and values.

What does your body tell you about this?

Now we just use simple expansions examples to test these inner no's and inner yes's.

Now your body has been giving you guidance all along but the challenge is learning to trust and act on it because sometimes it can mean disappointing others.

Now let's explore what happens in your body when you override your internal no and say yes instead.

Now this is what some people call people-pleasing overriding your internal no and saying yes and understanding this may help you make a different choice.

Now keeping a very very open mind think about a recent time when you said yes to something you wanted to say no to.

Now we are not opening up the story or the details it's simply bringing up a memory which is there in my body.

I said yes but I wanted to say no.

Now as you think about that moment of saying yes when you meant no,

What happens in your body?

Is there a sinking sensation in your stomach?

Is there a tightness in your chest?

Is there a sense of defeat?

Anger maybe?

Just feel what you feel,

Sense what you sense,

No judgment.

Now this feeling that you're having now is the somatic cost of people-pleasing.

Every time you say yes when you mean no,

Your body experiences a kind of a betrayal or a rejection from you.

Your nervous system then registers this as stress.

Even if your mind tries to rationalize it,

I'm just being nice,

I'm just helping others.

Now let's explore what happens in the moment between someone making a request and your response.

Now this is the crucial window where authentic response gets hijacked by an old people-pleasing pattern.

So we can use our body again to test this.

Imagine someone is asking you for something right now.

And before you even think about what they're asking for,

Just notice what happens in your body the moment of being asked.

Does your nervous system immediately go into a state of alertness?

Do you feel a pressure to respond as quickly as possible?

Is your body already prepared to say yes?

For many people-pleasers,

The request itself triggers a stress response.

Your nervous system interprets that being asked for something is as a potential threat to your safety.

So you immediately shift into the phone mode,

Which means appeasing,

Accommodating and saying whatever will make the other person happy.

Now here's what's crucial to understand.

This response developed when you were genuinely dependent on others for your safety and survival.

A child who disappoints their caregivers may be at risk of losing love,

Care and belonging.

But you are not that dependent child anymore.

You can disappoint people and still be safe.

You can say no and still be loved.

You can have boundaries and still belong.

Now let's practice interrupting the people-pleasing pattern by inserting space between the request and your response.

Imagine someone asking you for something and instead of immediately responding,

You place your hand on your heart and you say internally,

Let me check with my body about this.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Take one deep breath and ask your body,

Does this feel like a yes or a no?

Now from this grounded place you might respond,

Let me think about that and get back to you.

I need to check my schedule or simply give me a moment to consider.

And this pause,

This moment of checking in with your body before responding is revolutionary for people-pleasers.

It interrupts the automatic pattern and gives you space to access your own authentic response.

Now just let these words drop into your body,

Into your belief system,

Into your nervous system,

Wherever they need to go.

Notice what you notice,

Sense what you sense,

Feel what you feel.

Now let's explore what your nervous system is actually afraid will happen if you say no.

Because underneath every compulsive yes is a fear,

Often unconscious,

That drives this people-pleasing pattern.

Bring to mind now the idea of saying no to someone who's asking you of something.

Not actually saying it,

Just the idea of it.

And as you imagine saying no,

What fears arise?

You might experience the fear of being rejected,

The fear of not being liked,

The fear of losing their love,

The fear of being too much,

The fear of conflict or anger directed at you.

These fears feel very real in your body and your nervous system.

Even when your rational mind knows they are exaggerated,

Your body is still running programming from a time when disappointing others was dangerous.

So to shift,

Heal and rewire this today,

Let's speak directly to these fears with compassion and truth.

Place both your hands on your heart and just breathe into this part of you that learned to say yes.

The part of me that learned to say yes to feel safe,

I'm now breathing into it.

Now you can receive my words,

Repeat them silently or out loud.

I understand why you're afraid to say no.

You learned to keep us safe by pleasing others.

And you did a good job protecting us when we were vulnerable.

But I want you to know,

We are not dependent children anymore.

We can disappoint people and still be okay.

We can say no and still be loved.

We can have boundaries and still belong.

Just feel these words settling into your nervous system.

Some of you might notice resistance.

A part of you might not fully believe this.

That's perfectly fine.

It's just old patterns take time to update.

Let's do some deep healing work with the part of you that learned to fawn,

That learned to please others at the expense of your own needs.

The fond response often develops in childhood.

When a young person realizes that their safety depends on keeping the adults around them happy and regulated.

As we sit here in this space now,

Can you connect with that younger part of yourself who first learned that pleasing others was the way to feel safe and loved.

Maybe you were very young,

Taking care of adults emotions,

Making sure everyone was happy.

Now you may or may not see yourself at a particular age or a time.

You're simply working with this part in your body.

Feel your heart opening with tremendous compassion for this child who took on such a big responsibility.

They were not weak or codependent.

They were brilliantly adaptive to a situation where their emotional and physical safety truly depend upon other people's moods and approval.

Now,

As your adult self,

Imagine speaking to this part in your body.

With all the love and protection.

You can put both your hands on your heart.

They're not there already.

You did such a good job taking care of everyone.

You kept us safe.

The only way you knew how.

Thank you for carrying that responsibility when you were so young.

You did such a good job taking care of everyone.

You kept us safe.

The only way you knew how.

Thank you for carrying the responsibility when you were so young.

But I want you to know,

You don't have to take care of everyone's feelings anymore.

You don't have to say yes to everything to be loved.

You don't have to sacrifice yourself to belong.

I am here now.

And I'm strong enough to handle people being disappointed with us.

I can say no.

I can disappoint people and still keep you safe.

You can rest from that job now.

You can rest from that job now.

You can rest from that job.

Now.

Noticing shifts,

Changes in your breath and your sensations in your body.

Feel this younger part of you beginning to relax.

Knowing that they are not alone anymore.

They don't have to carry the responsibility of managing everyone else's emotions.

Some people may be feeling emotions during this time.

That's perfectly fine.

It's a relief being able to let go of that burden.

All responses are welcome and natural.

Your fond response served you beautifully.

And you are genuinely powerless and dependent.

Now you can thank it for its service.

While gently teaching your nervous system you have other options.

You can disappoint people and still be safe.

You can say no and still be loved.

You can have needs and boundaries and still belong.

Now if you think you're still having a response,

You're still in a process,

You're still experiencing shifts in your body.

You can just keep your hands on your heart.

Pause this recording and continue to work with that part with that child.

As we complete this exploration.

Take a moment to feel yourself here in your body.

Connected to your truth and your wisdom.

Your ability to say no is not selfishness.

It's self respect.

Your boundaries are not walls that keep love out.

They are the foundation that allow authentic love to flourish.

When you say no to what doesn't serve you,

You're saying yes to what does.

When you disappoint people by honoring your truth,

You are teaching them to do the same.

When you stop sacrificing yourself for others comfort,

You're taking care of yourself.

Your no is as sacred as your yes.

Both deserve to come from your authentic true self,

Rather than fear,

Obligation,

Or the need to feel others.

The next time you feel that familiar pressure to say yes,

When your body wants to say no,

Just remember this moment.

Remember what it feels like to be connected to your wisdom.

Trust your body signals.

And just know that you can disappoint people and still be safe and loved.

Your people pleasing pattern was developed to protect you.

When you were vulnerable.

You have the strength,

Wisdom and resources now to trust your inner yes.

On this note now,

Wiggle your fingers and your toes.

Take a few natural breaths.

Feel yourself returning to ordinary awareness.

Carry this remembrance with you.

Your no is an act of self love.

And your yes is a gift when it comes from authentic choice.

And you're ready now.

Can open your eyes.

Return to your day grounded in your truth and connected to your own power.

Thank you very much for joining me today.

And Namaste Transcribed by https://otter.

Ai