Radical Acceptance: Letting Go Of How Things "Should" Be

Begin by finding a position that feels comfortable and supported.

You can be seated or lying down,

Whatever allows your body to settle.

And let your eyes close or soften your gaze downward.

Take one deep breath in through your nose and release it slowly through your mouth.

Again,

Breathing in,

Nice big deep belly breath,

Fill it up,

And exhale audibly through the mouth.

One more like that.

Deep breath in through the nose and hold.

And release audibly through the mouth and a big sigh.

You can allow your breathing to return to its normal pattern.

And imagine that you're sitting at the edge of a quiet forest.

The air is cool and clean and there's a path in front of you,

Soft with earth and fallen leaves.

With each breath,

You can feel your feet connecting more firmly to the ground beneath you.

Feel the weight of your body being fully held by the earth.

You don't have to hold yourself up right now.

You are supported.

And as you begin to walk slowly along this path,

Notice how the trees around you stand exactly as they are.

Some are tall and straight.

Some are bent or leaning.

Some have lost their leaves.

Some are full.

None of them are trying to be different than what they are.

They simply exist,

Rooted and present.

Let yourself breathe with that image for a moment.

Today,

We're going to practice something called radical acceptance.

This isn't about cosigning and approving things that are truly not okay.

It's not about just giving up,

Letting terrible things happen.

Oh,

Well.

And it's not about pretending that hard things don't.

This isn't about approving of things that aren't okay.

Deciding that terrible things are actually fine.

And it's not about giving up.

It's not about pretending that hard things,

Difficult things,

Awful things don't matter.

Radical acceptance is none of that.

It's the practice of stopping the fight against what already is.

It's choosing to stop spending your energy insisting that reality should be differently,

So that you can actually do something with the reality that you have.

Let's begin with you.

As you walk along this path in the forest in your mind's eye,

Imagine that with each step,

You are meeting a version of yourself.

Not the version you think you should be,

And not the worst version your inner critic likes to remind you of.

Just you,

As you actually are right now,

Today.

You might notice things that you wish were different.

That's okay,

You don't have to love every single thing about yourself to accept that those things are real.

Acceptance isn't the same as approval.

It's simply saying,

This is what's here.

I see it.

I'm not going to hide from it.

So many of us spend our days working from an image of who we think we're supposed to be.

Some ideal version that doesn't actually exist.

And then we feel like we're constantly falling short.

Or we carry around the worst interpretation of ourselves,

And let that run the show.

Neither one is the truth.

The truth is somewhere in the middle.

And it includes all of it.

So right now,

Just for this moment,

See if you can hold all of yourself gently.

See all the parts that you're proud of,

The parts that you're still working on,

The places where you feel strong,

And the places where you feel fragile.

Breathe into that.

You don't need to fix anything right now.

You're simply practicing what it feels like to stop working against yourself.

When you stop resisting who you are,

Something opens up.

You free up all that energy you were using to judge yourself.

And it becomes available for something better.

Now as you continue walking along this path in your mind's eye,

Let someone come to mind.

Someone who frustrates you,

Or someone you've been wishing would change.

Maybe it's a family member,

A co-worker,

A friend.

You don't necessarily need to choose the hardest person in your life.

Just someone who comes up naturally,

And that you want to practice this technique with.

Picture encountering them along this path,

As they are,

Not as you wish they would be,

And not the version of them that would make your life easier.

This is one of the harder parts of acceptance,

Because when we care about someone especially,

Or when their behavior affects us,

We naturally want them to be different.

We believe we can see their potential.

We can see how they would behave,

And what they would do if we were in their shoes.

And it can be painful when they don't live up to those expectations.

Here's what radical acceptance asks of us.

Can you see this person fully,

Without taking on the responsibility of fixing or changing them?

You can influence people.

You can show up with love and honesty.

But you cannot control how another person thinks,

Or feels,

Or behaves.

That was never yours to carry.

Notice if there's tension in your body,

As you sit with this truth.

Maybe some tightening in your jaw.

Maybe your shoulders are creeping up towards your ears.

Maybe there's a tension in your chest or your belly.

See if you can soften around it,

Even just a little.

When you accept someone as they are,

It doesn't mean that you are deeming their behavior to be okay.

Radical acceptance means no longer pouring your energy into the story of how they should be different.

And from that calmer,

Clearer place,

You can actually choose how you want to respond.

You can ask yourself,

Given that this is who they are,

And this is the situation,

What thoughts,

Words,

And actions can I choose that will make things better?

That question is only possible when you've stopped resisting what's real.

So breathe here for a moment.

Let that image of the person soften.

You can release them from the weight of your expectations,

Not because they've earned it,

Or because you're making a moral judgment call that they deserve it.

Release them because carrying that weight was never helping you.

If you feel like it would be helpful in this mental image in your mind,

You can thank the person for what they've taught you.

For what you've learned from the relationship.

And if that doesn't feel right,

Say goodbye and just keep walking down the path,

Letting them disappear behind you.

In your visualization,

As you've walked past a version of yourself,

The image of this person that you find it difficult to be in relationship with,

Find yourself looking ahead as the path opens up into a wider clearing.

Here,

You can see the sky above you.

You can feel more openness in this space.

Think about a situation in your life right now that you've been struggling against.

Something you keep replaying in your mind.

Something you keep saying shouldn't be this way.

Like a circumstance at work,

Or a health challenge,

A financial pressure,

Relationship dynamic,

Or maybe something about the larger world,

Society.

That feels wrong or unfair.

Notice the familiar loop that the brain wants to go into.

The frustration,

The disbelief,

The,

I can't believe this is happening.

We all do this.

Our brains are pattern-seeking.

And when something doesn't make sense or feels unjust,

We replay it over and over,

Trying to find meaning or a way out.

But there's a difference between examining a problem to understand it better and simply resisting it on repeat.

Complaining about the same thing day after day,

Dreading it,

Bracing for it,

Letting it drain you before you've even faced it again.

That kind of resistance doesn't create change.

It creates exhaustion.

So right now,

See if you can gently shift.

Instead of,

I can't believe this is happening.

Try,

It is happening.

This is my reality right now.

Not forever,

But right now.

And you don't have to be okay with it.

You don't have to approve it.

You don't have to like it or say that it's fine.

All you're doing by practicing radical acceptance is choosing to stop wasting your precious energy insisting that this circumstance shouldn't exist.

It does exist.

This is reality.

And where will we go from here?

From this place,

Something interesting happens.

When you stop resisting,

You can start getting curious.

Instead of,

I don't understand why things have to be like this.

You can ask,

What am I not understanding about this situation?

And how can I learn more?

That shift from judgment to curiosity,

That's where your power lives.

Understanding a problem is the first step toward being able to change it.

Radical acceptance isn't passivity.

It's actually the groundwork for meaningful action.

You can't effectively change or make a positive difference with something that you refuse to first see clearly.

See the situation clearly.

Accept that it is happening.

See the situation and know that you can handle it because you are handling it.

You can deal with it because you are dealing with it.

You're still here.

You have the capacity to respond from the truest,

Highest,

Wisest version of yourself.

You have the capacity to practice radical acceptance to truly see and feel what is happening and to choose your words,

Thoughts and actions in response to that rather than resisting what is.

In your mind's eye as you stand in this clearing feel the sun on your face and the warmth that comes from this light after being in the darker forest.

Take a deep breath and notice the sensation of the air.

Feel it in your lungs.

Feel the ground beneath you.

Feel the open sky above.

Imagine yourself coming back to the present moment here in your reality and carrying a simple practice with you into the rest of your day.

When you notice yourself resisting when you feel that familiar tension rising that voice that says,

This shouldn't be happening,

Pause.

Notice it.

You don't have to do anything about it right away.

Just notice.

And then if you can,

Try gently shifting toward acceptance.

Try saying to yourself,

This is what's here.

I don't have to like it,

But I accept that this is my reality right now and I want to see it clearly so I can choose my next step wisely.

Accept,

Then act.

Work with what is,

Not against what is.

Begin to come back to your body and notice how your body's feeling in this moment.

You might want to deepen your breath.

Wiggle your fingers and toes to bring some sensation back to them.

Feel the surface beneath your body.

When you're ready,

Gently open your eyes.

You don't have to practice this perfectly.

And that's actually the whole point.

You're practicing radical acceptance.

Each time you choose acceptance over resisting what is,

Even for a moment,

You're reclaiming energy that you can direct toward something that will actually affect change,

That will actually make the world a better place,

That will actually improve your life.

It all starts with radical acceptance of what is.