Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be (Live Class 1-20)

When we're looking at letting go of the person you used to be,

What we want to explore today is who do we believe we are,

Why do we believe that,

What have been the positive things,

Which is the thing we often overlook and the reason why we don't change,

And the consequences,

And to explore a new identity for ourselves or to let go of that piece of identity.

And the reason this is so important to me is because every single time that you find yourself blocked in life,

With the irony of being of I am 33 years old and I just watched Star Wars for the first time because we got Disney for some Christmas movie watching and it's running out and we said what are we going to watch,

But those Yoda scenes of you keep saying you can't.

Anytime you are saying I can't do something,

It's usually not true.

It's your identity speaking.

It's your identity saying the person who I have constructed myself to be in a way that I believe protects me from the world and gives me a sense of certainty cannot do that,

Cannot pull that off.

And so as a result,

Often when people are saying you know I really want to do this thing but they don't do it or say they can't do it or keep having conversations about it,

We all know from the outside when we're watching this friend has nothing to do with whether they're actually capable of doing it.

It has to do with whether they're having an identity conflict in between different aspects of themselves and they're unsure whether to explore this new identity,

This new possibility.

And most people will sit there and try to talk with their friend and say I need or why don't you just try it.

Of course you could do it.

You could be courageous.

You could travel.

You could do this.

You could try a new job.

You could say no,

But what we often miss,

And that's why today is going to be a little bit scary if everyone's up for it,

Is to not just explore the benefits of the new way of living that we're considering but the benefits of the current way of living that we're ignoring.

To give you one example before we ground so that people can have some time to think about questions is you might have somebody who's really shy and never puts themselves out there.

And at the time that you're talking with this friend,

They're saying things like I never put myself out there.

I don't get a new job.

I don't get promotion.

I don't talk to that person I like.

I don't do this.

And so they're only paying attention to the consequences of their current identity.

But you want to look at the benefits.

There are perks to being a wallflower.

You don't embarrass yourself very much.

It's really hard to be rejected.

If you are rejected,

It's easy to say they don't actually know you so they can't actually reject you.

There isn't as less time to do a shameful action.

You don't make many mistakes because you don't try many things.

And if you're outweighing those emotions,

Those possibilities over the benefits of a new identity,

You won't take action.

And so we want to be honest with ourselves today and say I'm smarter than I allow myself to believe.

So every time I try to say this isn't working,

This isn't possible,

I can't do this,

We want to explore and say actually there are pros and cons to any identity,

Any shell that I can create.

And until I recognize that I have chosen this current identity for certain benefits and certain reasons,

And there are consequences,

But I'm used to those consequences,

Until we truly explore this,

Then we're going to shame and criticize ourselves rather than recognize we're making a choice.

And that choice may be better than we realize it is.

And if it's not and it is impacting us with full awareness,

We can explore the possible alternative identities that may work for us.

And we can explore in a way that says if right now I'm unwilling to change because I'm avoiding rejection,

I might know and be able to zero in that it's time for me to change my relationship with rejection.

And then it'll be much easier to change my identity because right now I'm unwilling to change an identity that protects me most from rejection,

As an example.

So with that in mind,

Letting it sink in,

Let's go ahead and ground.

And then when you have your questions,

We'll do the talk portion before the meditation.

So if everybody can get a comfortable position,

Go ahead and close your eyes.

Take a deep,

Deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

And start to feel your seat.

Feel yourself supported by the chair,

The floor,

The car,

Wherever you are in this moment.

And start to become aware of where you may already be holding tension because of how this conversation was primed or how it was titled to think about letting go of a person you used to be.

Because chances are,

Even starting to think about this topic has created tension and mental chatter.

And I want you to see if you can simply sit in awareness because this awareness is what you need to process and release in order to do any type of work about letting go of the person you used to be.

So become friends with it for a moment.

If you try to shove it away and push it away,

You'll miss the messages that it is carrying.

And the messages that this tension or mental chatter is carrying,

I promise you,

Is important.

It's going to share things like,

Oh no,

If we let this go,

We're going to have to do this big scary thing,

Or we're going to get rejected,

Or this happened,

Or people will get angry.

It's warning you.

It's letting you know the reason why you chose this identity to begin with.

And that's good because you want to make any change with eyes wide open.

So take two more minutes to see if you can sit with the tension and the mental chatter without getting sucked in,

Consumed,

Or joining the chorus.

And if you get sucked into an identity,

Or an idea,

Or a talk,

Good.

That's news.

That's very clear news because you want to say,

What is it?

What is it that sucked me in?

Because that is the thing that is currently convincing you not to change.

It could be a sense of fluttering in your chest,

Or it could be a story that people will get angry.

It could be a tightness in your stomach,

Or it could be a,

But I might get rejected.

That's good because you want to know what is the reason you are hanging on.

You are choosing to be the person you are because that shows you the way out,

If you so choose.

And then start to wiggle your fingers and toes.

Give yourself a yawn or a stretch.

And when you feel ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

I want to preface this conversation in letting go of the person you used to be with a couple of points,

But I want everyone to start thinking of the questions that fit for themselves.

First,

I got encouraged recently to use more direct,

Non-dual,

Or letting-go-of-yourself words and verbiage.

So I'm going to say it like this.

As long as you are embodied as a human on this planet,

You will need an identity.

You will need a shell.

We're like hermit crabs putting on shells that are our identities,

Our stories,

And they're the role and the character that we are playing in this world.

So you are not wrong in any way,

Shape,

Or form for having stories about yourself.

The question is more about the content of the stories.

Do those stories limit you?

Do those stories hold you back?

Do those stories help you or hurt you?

Do those stories help others or hinder others?

Do they create a world that you want to be in,

Or do they create a world that feels like a personal hell?

That's all possible based on the stories.

But we want to examine when we have these stories.

There's no such thing as a bad story.

There's only a story that has benefits and consequences,

And depending on how we look at them,

They're good or bad.

And this is really,

Really important.

Some of the most important realizations you will ever have about yourself or someone else is about fully recognizing the benefits of their way of being and their story.

An example that we've actually discussed before when we talked about the drama triangle,

Which fits into many dysfunctioning relationships,

Is people playing the rescuer,

The bully,

Or the victim.

And many people look at someone playing the victim and,

For instance,

Think they need to be saved.

But they fail to recognize the benefits of playing the victim.

Someone comes in and saves you.

No one expects you to solve the problem.

Everyone says,

Oh,

That's just that person when they make a mistake or don't show up or can't handle it.

So they ease themselves down,

And there's a benefit to that.

There's also consequences.

No one trusts you.

No one puts you in a position of authority.

No one really believes that you can handle yourself.

But there's benefits and consequences for everything you do.

So there is,

Interestingly,

The next talking point I want to have is there is no such thing as self-sabotage.

So many people go around saying,

I sabotaged myself.

No,

You didn't.

You might be looking at it from the perspective of I,

I wanted to do this thing,

And I sabotaged myself.

But some part of you always saved you.

Some part of you said,

Oh,

No,

If you go do that,

You're going to be rejected.

Or there's a possibility you might be rejected.

Or there's a possibility you might fail or be criticized or be judged.

And I'm going to save you from that.

I'm going to save you from that thing.

So every identity you have is a combination of saving you from something and giving you something else,

Giving you a sense of certainty,

Saving you from failure.

So that's how I'm hoping that everyone can look at things today,

Both in any questions you have and in the meditation.

And if people have examples where they want to say at this point,

Please put in,

What about this?

What's the benefit of this?

Or what's the consequence of this?

We want to explore it.

Because I'm not here to sell anybody on some motivational gobbledygook to take on the world,

Rise to the stars,

Become ex-wealthy,

This.

We're not here to do that.

We're here to have a clear examination of what is the impact of our beliefs.

Because every single belief and story that we have came from a situation where we made a decision,

A choice,

To have an identity,

Because it protected us in some way.

And over time,

We experienced the consequences.

But up until this point,

We have been determining that the benefit is better than the consequences.

And when we're examining a new shell,

A new story in life,

We often look at the benefits and refuse to acknowledge the consequences.

So for instance,

If you're not that ambitious,

Let's use that as an example.

You don't try new things.

And you might be yelling at yourself and shaming yourself and criticizing yourself of why don't you?

There's a benefit and a consequence to not being ambitious.

One,

Benefit.

You don't actually have to work that hard.

You get permission to not convince yourself when you don't want to do something to do something,

To not get into a routine,

To not do the work,

To not experience the possibility of failure,

To not experience the possibility of rejection,

To not experience disappointment,

To not realize your plan isn't working,

And to come up with a new plan,

To not say you're going to do something and then to have to admit to others that you failed,

Or that it's not working,

Or that you thought it would be a month,

But it's going to be six months.

There's a lot of benefits there.

Consequences.

You don't do things you might want to do.

You don't get somebody looking at you and being inspired.

You don't feel that rush of saying I've done something and I've tried.

So each thing is going to have a pro and con.

And if you fail to recognize the benefits of the thing that you are choosing to be,

While also reconciling the consequences of the person you say you want to be,

You'll never make a change.

Is this making sense to everyone?

And if so,

Please put in any questions or situations you want to discuss as examples,

Because we'll go through it.

Because for instance,

Jacqueline just put in,

I wonder if that's what the procrastination is about that I've struggled with for years.

Your subconscious saving you from something.

Yes,

Always.

When people say there's procrastination,

That's another word.

Nobody ever procrastinates.

That's a strong statement.

I want people to get riled up.

There's no such thing as a procrastinator.

There is benefits and consequences.

And at the time,

You might be trying.

There's no such thing as a procrastinator,

Sherry.

Anytime you look at this,

I'm going to use an example,

The classic college essay or term paper or something.

And if you didn't go to college,

Just use a homework assignment or something you needed to do.

Doing that assignment is a lot of work.

It's a lot of emotional struggle.

It's wondering whether you used the right word,

Wondering whether it was good enough,

Wondering whether you were capable of doing it,

Thinking that it probably wasn't that great,

Feeling like you really need to get a certain grade and you probably won't,

Feeling the disappointment of it.

Lots of emotions associated to it that you have to face in order to get a big thing done.

So a huge part of you has been trained to avoid those emotions.

So there's going to be a strong pressure to avoid not the term paper,

The emotions associated with doing the term paper,

The assignment,

The thing.

Until there is also a competing force that is avoiding,

Oh crap,

I didn't do the paper.

I'm going to get a bad grade.

The teacher is going to yell at me.

My friends are going to make fun of me.

My parents are going to be mad at me.

I am going to get a poor grade and I'm going to feel ashamed.

I'm going to feel criticized.

So every single moment,

You are in a competing force trying to avoid two negative emotions.

And as it gets closer and closer to the due date,

The fear of doing the term paper might stay the same,

But the fear of the consequences might rise and rise and rise and rise and rise until all of a sudden one is greater than the other and you do the term paper.

That's what's actually happening when someone is procrastinating.

There is something associated with it.

Even something as simple as people being like,

Well,

That's a term paper.

What about cleaning my room?

What about cleaning your room?

If you start cleaning your room,

Chances are if you're avoiding it,

You associate it with drudgery,

With a lot of work,

With pain.

You have shame around how bad you let it get.

You're going to criticize yourself the whole time that you're doing it.

And you're going to be saying,

I'm such a lazy person.

I'm a procrastinator.

Oh man.

And all of these things run through your head when you clean your room.

So you're avoiding those emotions.

Rightfully so.

I mean,

That's a pretty raw deal.

Do annoying work that no one wants to do while criticizing and beating yourself up and telling yourself how awful a person you are for an extended period of time.

And even when it's done,

This is the worst part because I know this from an ex-girlfriend in a certain pattern like this.

Even when it's done,

You won't give yourself any satisfaction,

Will you?

You will tell yourself,

I should have done this weeks ago.

So there's no benefit,

No benefit to doing it.

You haven't given yourself something positive associated.

There's huge amounts of negativity associated to doing it and very little positivity associated to doing it.

If you think about it that way,

You're not procrastinating.

You're accurately,

Internally.

Don't think about the external experience.

You think about the internal experience.

You are accurately reading the situation and saying,

Nope,

That ain't for me.

That ain't an experience that I want.

So anything that you are procrastinating,

If you're using that word more accurately,

You're saying,

I associate doing this task with more pain than not doing this task.

And I will do this task the second that I associate more pain with not doing this task than doing it.

Or more pleasure,

Although we have a two to three to one ratio in humans of avoiding pain versus pleasure,

Which is the more important one.

So I'll add one more because that is important to say is many people are like,

You know what?

It'd be really nice to start working out because then maybe I could lose those 10 pounds and I'm going to feel really attractive.

And then this,

And they think they're like,

I really want this pleasure,

But there's a lot of pain associated with working out.

There's a lot of pain associated with doing these things.

And people will be like,

But I want the pleasure,

But you don't want the pain significantly more than you want the pleasure.

And this is a really good illustration.

So thank you,

Jess,

Because we often look at this in the really simple things,

But it's just as true in the big things.

So Parveen said,

I struggled to let go of ego.

I cling to who I used to be when activated.

It kept me safe for so long,

But not serving a purpose anymore.

That's the trick.

If you are struggling to let go,

Parveen,

It is serving a purpose.

It serves a purpose somehow,

Some way.

And that's what I'm hoping we'll all examine today in some aspect of our life.

Because if you struggle to let go,

There is some part of ourselves that we don't want to admit that is saying,

Wait a second,

This is helpful.

Wait a second,

Something is beneficial here.

And it is usually something we don't want to admit that we like,

That we enjoy,

Or is helpful.

So for instance,

I'll give you a really personal example.

When Katarina and I were really,

Really working on letting go of the rescuer-victim dynamic in a way of me wanting to come in in Knight in Shining Armor and her kind of letting her decisions be taken away,

One of the things that I really had to admit is it's really,

Really nice to be the Knight in Shining Armor,

To be the person that people look to,

To be the person that has the answer,

To be the person who does know it all.

It is nice to be that person.

It feels.

.

.

Should be on Jyoti.

Anybody else have no sound?

So it is really nice to have that thing.

And until we allow ourselves to admit what is the thing that it is really nice to have,

We probably won't let it go.

So Parveen,

I'm just going to use an example.

I'm not sure if it's yours.

If you're used to getting really angry in conflict,

And now you're like,

I don't want to be that person,

You might want to say,

You know what?

Getting angry works.

It might be a little destructive for relationships,

But when people are scared of you and they walk on eggshells,

You also get what you want.

No one risks bringing conversations to you,

And generally speaking,

85-90% of the time,

They just do it.

And I don't have to learn to be vulnerable or compromise or slow down.

This isn't Parveen's example.

She didn't put it in,

But that's a big one.

There's a benefit to being the bully.

There is the benefit to being the rescuer.

There's a benefit to being the victim.

There's a benefit to saying,

I don't know how to do this.

One thing that actually made me laugh is here's the difference in between Katerina and I to give one more example,

And then we'll have about five minutes in case someone else has a question before we'll do the meditation,

Is I'm really bad at asking questions for help.

I will go research it and figure it out before asking anyone else because I want to be the one to figure it out.

Katerina asks immediately,

And it even drives me nuts sometimes because I want to come in to help.

She'll start to solve a problem and she'll be like,

It's not working.

And I will start mentally calculating how I would solve it and give her the next step.

And in my head,

I'm like,

Why would you do that?

Just figure it out.

And she's like,

Why would I do that?

You figured it out for me.

And all of a sudden it clicked.

When she was a nurse in the hospital,

Anytime there was a problem with any of the machinery,

She would say,

Does anybody know how to solve this?

And someone would come and fix it.

And eventually one of the nurses would try to say,

You know,

You could read the manual for this machine too.

And she's like,

Why would I read the manual?

You already read the manual.

And when that finally clicked,

I saw the benefit of what she was doing.

She was outsourcing mental labor.

She was outsourcing letting things go.

So there was a benefit.

She didn't have to do the work.

It was very,

Very smart.

And often if you apply yourself as a rescuer in life,

A lot of things are going to change with that family member,

That friend,

That coworker.

When you realize you're not coming in to save them,

They are outsourcing mental,

Emotional,

And physical labor to you.

And you are picking up the mantle in order to feel good.

So these are examples of what the benefits are.

So I'm going to make sure I didn't miss anything and then get to questions before meditation.

I know many,

Danette said,

I know many people who are so tired and busy,

But they still stay up late and beat themselves up about it.

I used to do this too.

Then I realized how many of us stay up late because it is a chance to enjoy some needed quiet,

Alone time where everyone else is sleeping and there is no pressure to answer calls or take care of others.

Late night was like secret me time.

Perfectly said.

Yeah.

If you don't realize the benefit,

Then it's hard to change,

But that's the trick.

You never want to take something away from yourself without giving yourself something else.

So once someone like Danette realizes it's your secret me time,

Then you start asking a series of questions to say,

Okay,

Well I need some me time.

I'm willing to exhaust myself to get me time.

How am I going to get it?

And that becomes the next question.

It's like,

Okay,

Well I could get it in the middle of the day,

But that would require me to set some boundaries and boundaries currently scare me because I only associate them with people getting angry.

But if learning to set effective boundaries allows me to get me time without being exhausted,

It becomes a clear question.

I'm not guiding someone to something they have to do.

You say,

Is it worth learning boundaries if I could get some me time?

And all of a sudden boundaries look a little bit more appealing.

And Jyoti,

I want to explore different classes,

But I've been in the same routine for four years.

I feel attached to the teachers and the thought of changing makes me worry about being judged or perceived differently.

I feel guilty for wanting something new.

And I'm trying to understand why this fear feels so strong.

That's a really,

Really good one to do in the meditation.

Because the question that I'll ask you to think about,

Jyoti,

Is what is the hidden benefit of what I'm doing?

And what is the hidden consequence of what I want to do?

Because then you'll have your answer.

And it's going to be unique to you.

There's only a couple of variations,

But I want you to think about what is the benefit of sitting in these routines right now that I'm holding on to?

Or what is the consequence of going out and exploring that I'm currently avoiding?

And Tracy,

Which is perfect to lead into the meditation,

How do you know if and when you're ready to let go of an identity?

You decide it.

But the trick that I like to tell people is,

If you try to decide,

And it doesn't work.

It doesn't mean you're weak-willed.

It doesn't mean that you're incapable.

What it usually means is you haven't fully admitted to yourself the whole picture.

And that's what we're going to do today in the meditation.

And I do have this one recorded.

So we will have that so you can do it again for yourself.

And what I mean by that is,

If you're like,

I want to start running as an example,

But I just don't do it.

You haven't admitted to yourself that there's a really big benefit to not running.

And there's a consequence of running,

Namely running.

So you want to be really,

Really clear about what that is and start to have a conversation with yourself.

Because Tracy,

I will actually tell you the same thing when my girlfriend and I were first dating.

And to be careful with these stories on Insight Timer,

We were going to a certain powerful medicine ceremony.

And she was like,

How do I let go?

I keep realizing these things,

But how do I let go?

And I looked at her and laughed.

And I said,

When you stop holding on.

And she said,

But I'm not holding on.

And I said,

Yes,

You are.

If you are something,

You're actually holding on really,

Really tightly.

One last thing that came up in a study on giving people certain plant medicines is most of what it helped people let go of depression,

Let go of anxiety,

Let go of certain coping mechanisms and patterns was first about helping them recognize that they're actually creating that depression and anxiety all day,

Every day,

Namely in their thoughts.

If you're depressed,

You're telling yourself a depressive thought.

I'm making this one up,

But I know it was a large number from studies,

Like 30,

000 times a day.

If you're anxious,

You're telling yourself an anxious thought,

Like 30,

000 times a day,

Which is another way of saying it's hard to be anxious.

It's hard to be depressed.

It's hard to tell yourself you can't do something.

It's hard to convince yourself of anything because you aren't actually that person.

That's not your unique nature.

That's not your default.

You're actively creating it every single day.

You're putting work in and I'm not trying to blame in any way,

Shape or form here.

This isn't meant to be like,

You're an awful person.

I'm saying it is actively being maintained every single moment of every single day.

In a way,

You're holding on to that identity and you want to figure out why you're holding on.

You want to figure out what is it about this identity?

What is it about this thing that you are holding on to still?

It's a pretty easy way to say it in the meditation we'll do because we'll have 15 minutes for it.

There's a benefit and a consequence to my current identity and there's a benefit and a consequence to the new identity and I want to fully explore this and admit it to myself.

You might come out of this,

Just to give everyone an example,

It is fully possible to come out of this meditation saying,

You know what,

I have been saying that I want to be this kind of person now,

But in order to be this kind of person,

I'm going to have to face rejection on a regular basis.

And right now,

That scares the living crap out of me.

So I'm not willing to be that person yet,

But I want to explore getting comfortable with rejection because I know that the second that I am comfortable with rejection,

I am willing to make that switch.

But until then,

I'm not willing to make that switch because rejection seems scarier than the benefit and that's okay.

Most people are making that choice in most of their lives,

But you want to identify to say,

Until I am comfortable with physical discomfort,

Until I am comfortable with judgment,

Until I am comfortable with criticism,

Until I am comfortable with people getting angry,

I won't be able to do x thing or x identity.

I hope that makes sense,

Because we do have to get into the meditation,

Otherwise I will go very late.

First gonna drink a bit,

Because otherwise I think I'll lose my voice in it.

Okay,

That tea is still very hot.

I forgot I had the lid on.

Go ahead,

Find a comfortable position.

Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

And settle in for a minute.

I don't mean count your breath.

I don't mean any work.

Simply settle in.

As if you're sitting inside the machine,

The hermit shell that you've currently chosen for yourself.

And giving yourself an opportunity to examine it.

With all of its tension and freedom.

With all of its mental chatter.

All of its physical sensations.

Because in the end,

You are wearing a shell of your own creation,

And more importantly,

Active maintenance.

You didn't just create this person,

You are creating this person with every moment,

With every thought,

With every reaction.

So you want to be honest with yourself.

How does this shell feel?

How does this house that you have built feel?

And importantly now,

Because when people often do this work,

They start over focusing on the negatives.

Maybe you're inflexible,

Maybe your back hurts,

Maybe there's something you meant to say today,

But you were too scared.

You start focusing on all of those things.

So we're going to start with the hard one.

To admit,

What is the benefit of this shell that you have created?

You'll know you're going in the right direction if your mind starts straying away from it.

Almost like you have blinders to avoid facing this truth.

Anything that you were just complaining about,

What is the benefit?

You might be saying,

You know,

I'm always such a people pleaser,

But what's the benefit?

Or I always stick in the same routine,

What's the benefit?

Because there are benefits,

And they come in one of two forms.

Something that it gives you,

And something that it saves you from.

So what does it give you?

And what does it save you from?

Whatever it is,

You just have to be honest with yourself,

Even if it leaves a pit in your stomach.

I honor you if right now you're realizing that you've been acting the bully,

Because it does get you what you want,

Even if it ruins relationships.

Or you've been acting the victim,

And other people do come and save you,

Even if it's at the cost of your own self-worth and their belief in you.

Or you've been playing the rescuer,

And maybe,

Just maybe,

It's nice to feel better than everyone else.

Or you've been a wallflower,

And there's a benefit to people not having expectations of you.

Or you've been a good person,

And maybe,

Maybe,

Whatever it is,

You have this behavior,

Because it helps.

It gives you something,

And it saves you from something.

And when you've reconciled that,

I want you to also look at the cost.

What is it costing you,

And what will it cost you?

If you have been getting angry or playing the bully,

There's space for that here.

There was a benefit.

But how many people have you pushed away?

How much resentment have you faced?

How many spurned relationships?

How many looks of fear?

If you've been playing the victim,

How many times have you been told that you can't do it?

How many times have you acted poorly or non-intelligently in order to prove that you're in need of help?

How many goals have you given up on,

Because to accomplish them would take you out of the comfortable role?

If you've been playing the rescuer and savior,

How many times have you wanted to ask for help,

But you never did?

How much resentment have you allowed yourself to build and lash out?

Then blame yourself for not being perfect enough yet.

How many people have you tried to please?

How little of your own needs have you allowed to be met?

Because if there are no consequences,

You don't have a reason to let go and choose a new identity.

But if there are great consequences,

And you're starting to see that they outweigh the benefits,

If not now,

In the future,

Then let's look at the person you're exploring the possibility of being,

The new shell that you're considering putting on.

It's really easy,

Whatever it is,

To tell yourself,

It would be so great if I was just fill-in-the-blank.

So we're not going to start with that.

Start with honestly,

What are the consequences of whatever this life change is?

That you've been examining,

Ideating,

Dreaming about?

What are the emotional and literal consequences?

For instance,

Katarina is starting a new business right now on Insight Timer on mindful and intuitive eating.

And she's used to knowing whether she's doing a good job and doing the right thing.

That's what a job gives you.

Now,

Every day,

She has to decide what's the right thing,

Whether it's enough.

Am I doing the right thing?

Is it good enough?

Do people like it?

Am I doing things well enough again?

There's uncertainty.

There's a lack of a path.

There's rejection.

There's self-doubt.

There's a lot of consequences.

There's also the physical work.

She judged herself really hard because she's used to getting eight hours of work done.

And I'm like,

There's no way to do that when you're trying a new thing that you don't know how to do.

You'll exhaust yourself.

So what are the consequences of whatever it is that you're exploring?

And chances are,

There's something about it that you're not aware of.

That you have been trying to avoid.

That's been ringing in the back of your head.

What is it?

Admit to yourself what you're truly scared of.

Is it that I might get rejected?

You'll know it's the right thing if another part of you is saying,

But that's not too bad.

It is.

It is that bad for you right now.

And that's okay.

What is the thing that is holding you back?

There might be many things,

But there's probably at least one thing that stops you in your tracks.

I want to set boundaries,

But people will get angry.

I want to stop being the angry person,

But my needs might not get met.

I want to ask for help,

But what if they judge me?

I want to start running,

But what if I fail and I can't do it?

What is the but?

And you don't have to do anything today,

But be honest with yourself.

That you're not self-sabotaging.

There's something that you are more afraid of than excited for.

And now last,

What are the benefits of this proposed life change?

What is it that it's worth giving up old faithful for and experiencing the inevitable consequences for?

Which could go in one of two ways.

And it's the point of today's meditation.

After all we just went through,

You could be saying it's not worth it.

I've been trying to convince myself that it's worth it,

But it's not.

I don't think it is.

It's too scary right now.

It's too overwhelming.

It's too much.

And you'd be right.

You'd be right that right now,

With your current association to these emotions and these consequences,

It is too much.

Or you start saying,

You know,

I really don't want to be that person anymore.

I really don't.

I know I'll get rejected and I will admit I've been trying to tell myself I won't get rejected or someone won't get angry or I won't get my needs met.

But that's okay.

It's not worth it anymore.

If maybe you have been staying up late and exhausting yourself,

As someone said.

But I need to set boundaries because I can't keep doing this.

The consequences of staying as it is are too much.

But be honest with yourself,

Because if you try to convince yourself to go in with rose-colored glasses,

Some part of you is going to save you when you are going to call it self-sabotage.

Be honest.

I'm going to make this change or not.

And these are the consequences.

These are the likely,

Inevitable consequences.

And I want to start preparing to be more comfortable with these things because it'll be easier to make this change.

Whatever it is,

Whatever you realize,

You get to decide.

I'm not here to motivate you or inspire you or make you make decisions.

I'm here to make a change.

Once you have realized why you are the way you are today,

You get to decide to make a commitment.

And it's perfectly okay to say,

You know what?

The current shell ain't so bad.

I don't really need to make a change.

I need to stop telling myself that I need to make the change in order to be okay or a good person.

Or,

I really do want to make that change.

But before I do,

I have to become comfortable with rejection.

And I might want to find a practice that does that.

And then I'll be ready to take that step.

Or,

The consequences really are too great right now of staying as it is.

I know it's scary,

But I need to do it.

And I know that it's going to hurt.

And I'm honest with that.

But I'm going to find the support and do this well.

Because when you've been honest with yourself and all parts of yourself have had a voice,

Then you can let go.

So take one more minute to make a commitment for yourself,

Whatever it is.

And I'm just going to say,

If you need more time to sit with us,

Please pause,

Mute,

Keep going as long as you find this helpful.

But for us today,

We're ready to leave.

And you can go ahead and wiggle your fingers and toes.

Give yourself a yawn or a stretch.

And when you're ready,

Go ahead and open your eyes.

Thank you,

Everyone.

I'm going to make this ending quick because my girlfriend putting her name in because it's hard to spell.

Katerina Mather is going to get ready to do her class on mindful and intuitive eating.

But as always,

If you enjoyed this and would like to make a donation,

That was appreciated,

Not expected.

But if you enjoyed this and this was your first time here,

I would really love a follow because we're building some incredible things together.

And if you'd like the opportunity to do this in a more face-to-face setting,

You can find the details in the link on my profile.

And I just wanted to thank all of you because I really love doing this and getting serious about it and building some fun things.

And I love the opportunity to be here for you.

And I'm doing this selfishly because I love it.

But the only way I get to keep doing it is because I can be there for you.

So the best way that I can help you is you tell me what is helpful.

You tell me what you want to see.

And you're always welcome to tell me here in the chat,

Even if it's your first time ever or second time ever,

In the group,

David Longhini's circle,

Where I'm paying attention.

I'm really bad with the direct messages.

I get to do this because you show up.

And I want you to show up because it's helpful for you.

So please let me know what's most helpful for you whenever and however you can.

So thank you all.

And thank you,

Jacqueline.

And thank you,

Jazz.

I hope to see you in the group on another call or face-to-face through email.

Love you all.

Appreciate you all.

And I hope to see many of you tomorrow.