The Quiet Weight of Care Understanding Caregiver Syndrome I'm so glad you are here,
Whether you're caring for a parent,
Partner,
Child,
Or maybe holding space for others in your work or life.
I want to begin by really honouring the depth of what you carry as a caregiver.
You may not always call yourself a caregiver.
Often,
We simply do what needs to be done.
One foot in front of the other.
Maybe finding ourselves in strange new territory over and over,
Doing things we might never have imagined.
And we can do the hard things.
But quietly,
Slowly,
Over time,
The weight of caring begins to settle into our bones,
Into our breath and our thoughts.
So this little time here with me,
Dee Hennessey,
Is for you.
To be witnessed,
To breathe,
And to remember that your well-being,
Your blossoming rather than burning out,
Matters too.
Take a moment,
Notice what is in your heart,
Just right now.
I invite you as you spend the rest of this time here with me,
To see if you might practice two values in particular.
Freedom,
Just to be yourself,
So you don't have to do anything,
And gentle kindness towards yourself,
So that your only focus here and now is to be exactly as you want to be right now,
And to be kind to yourself.
So no pressure here at all.
Notice how you are.
Be as you are.
Be kind to yourself.
If we haven't met before,
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Dee,
In Ireland,
A burnout coach,
Mindfulness teacher and supervisor,
Spiritual companion,
And a retreat facilitator.
And I happen to be caring for my loved one,
Who is now in late stage dementia.
So in this little time together,
I want to share with you something about caregiver syndrome.
I invite you to reflect on what I'm sharing,
To take anything that is useful,
And to simply blow the rest away.
First,
An apology of sorts.
I only came across this term,
Caregiver syndrome,
Very recently,
Through Mel Robbins of the Let Them Theory.
I had a knee-jerk reaction to the term,
Somewhat similar to the reaction I sometimes have,
When a caring,
Supportive person tells me that as an exhausted caregiver,
Who is often overwhelmed with grief and complex emotions,
That I should practice self-care.
Dee,
You have to look after yourself,
Or you'll be no good to him.
You think?
You think I don't know that?
Do you think that I'm stupid?
Do you think that I wouldn't love to be able to step off this life I have,
Even for a little while,
And to rest and recover,
And just to do what I want to do?
I know,
I know,
I do need to look after myself.
And yet,
It sometimes,
Usually,
Quite often,
Seems so impossible to do.
So that is the rant that often goes off in my head,
Though to be fair,
I usually recognise it very quickly now,
And I'm able to soften towards both myself and the other.
But this is like a button that's pressed,
Each time a well-meaning somebody tells me that I need to look after myself,
As I care for my beloved.
I know,
I recognise,
I understand,
That this is my nervous system out of whack.
I am reacting from a place of dysregulation.
And the person offering the comment is usually bang on the money.
Just shows how wound up my nervous system can be.
Because as a person who has worked for years to help others to prevent or to recover from burnout,
I know that we cannot just run ourselves into the ground.
We cannot just keep going as though we are machines.
And yet,
As carers,
We do keep going to extraordinary lengths,
Often over long periods of time.
So that's why I tentatively created this space for us carers here on Inside Timer,
That we might walk this tightrope.
The context which makes us predisposed to over-stress and burnout,
Or caregiving.
And the simple,
Obvious reality that we cannot just step back,
Rest and recover,
And to make any desired life changes that will better support our wellbeing.
We walk a tightrope.
That's why in this space,
No matter what our topic,
I usually share the same three things.
One,
The power of awareness.
Simply allowing ourselves to notice.
Two,
Compassion.
Responding to that noticing with kindness and softness towards ourselves.
And then three,
Simple,
Small actions that we can do in our already overstretched,
Over-busy,
Emotionally taxing caregiving days.
So my initial response to the term caregiver syndrome was really similar to how my buttons get pressed when somebody tells me I should be looking after myself.
Go away from me.
We don't need more stuff,
More labels,
More diagnosis of what is the reality of the life circumstances I find myself in and simply need to live through.
I know about it.
Stress,
The possibility of burnout,
How we are to manage.
I know it already.
But when I got over myself,
Calmed down,
I realized that this term is actually a beautiful refinement on my current offering of alerting us caregivers to burnout.
It's a much more nuanced,
More specific expression of the particular burnout experienced by us caregivers.
So what is this caregiver syndrome?
Caregiver syndrome,
Like burnout,
Is not a medical diagnosis.
But it is very real.
It's the emotional,
Physical,
Spiritual exhaustion that can arise when we care for someone over a long period,
Especially when we feel that there's no end in sight and no room for our own needs.
It builds slowly,
Sometimes invisibly.
We might think we're just tired,
Or irritable,
Or forgetful.
But these are often signs that our own soul,
Our whole being,
Is calling out for care.
How it shows up.
Let me name a few signs and see if any resonate.
You feel exhausted no matter how much rest you get.
You feel emotionally numb or easily overwhelmed.
You struggle to remember things or to focus or to be productive.
You feel guilt for not doing enough or you feel guilt for wanting a break.
You've lost touch with joy,
With your own life,
With who you used to be.
Sound familiar?
This is no weakness.
This is not failure.
This is simply the cost of deep,
Ongoing,
Caring without restoration.
You might say it's an emotional regulation situation or a nervous system response.
So there's no moral judgment attached.
I haven't done anything wrong.
I'm not stupid.
I'm not weak.
I'm a human being and I may be paying the cost of deep,
Ongoing,
Caring without restoration.
Why it happens.
As caregivers,
We often put others first without even thinking.
We suppress or we override our own needs telling ourselves that there will be time later.
While we're embedded in caregiving,
We might feel it indulgent or even selfish to rest,
To say no,
To ask for help.
But somehow it is a fact,
A simple reality that no matter how much you love or care,
You are not and you cannot be a machine of compassion.
You too are a soul,
A divine spark,
A particular expression of the unfolding of the cosmos.
You are a specific and unique gift of creation,
A human being,
A spirit that needs tending to.
Let me share a gentle truth.
Caregiving can be sacred,
Joyful,
Soulful and deeply meaningful work.
Often,
It is a wordless expression of love.
It can also be lonely work.
And it is work.
Caregiving is expenditure of deep energy over and over,
Day by day,
Often from a rapidly depleting resource.
Sacred and lonely,
Both of these things can be true at once.
Joyful and depleting,
Both of these things can be true at once.
As human beings,
We are not meant to carry it all alone.
In Celtic tradition,
We honour the Annum Cara,
The soul friend.
So finding another human being,
A safe,
Supportive presence who simply listens,
Holds you,
Allows you to notice how it is,
To speak it out and to know that you're not alone.
And in Celtic tradition,
We also recognise that nature herself can also be our Annum Cara.
Simple time in nature,
Reminding us that we belong,
We are held,
We are not forgotten.
My wish for you is that you might let Annum Cara accompany you to give witness to this sacred and lonely work you are doing.
