Don't jump to conclusions.
Don't jump to conclusions.
Oh,
This is such a great thing to not do.
There's a Swedish proverb from a book that I'm reading right now that says,
You can't stop the birds of unhappiness from flying over your head,
But you can prevent them from nesting in your hair.
So here is where I think it can really apply.
Something happened today.
This morning,
I found a painful,
Lumpy spot on my chest.
I've had breast cancer before,
And my immediate reaction goes right there.
That it might have come back.
I freaked out.
I began shuddering in fear.
My mouth turned into a deep,
Sad grimace.
Oh,
Tears welled in my eyes and threatened to spill over.
I closed my eyes for a minute to take a deep breath,
All the way down to my belly button,
And I held it for a second,
And I let it out very slowly.
I did this again.
This time,
Sending the breath all the way down to where my bathing suit bottom would be.
One more breath,
Holding it for a second,
And then another second,
A second more,
And then slowly letting it out as if that balloon was deflating.
This is a useful breathing technique I learned here on Insight Timer to reset my parasynthetic nervous system.
And then I decided I wasn't going to think right now that everything was all dire gloom and doom.
I called my doctor and we made an appointment to check it out the next day.
We would get some information,
Some data,
Some facts.
We would do some tests and get conclusive evidence one way or another.
As I sat there,
I decided,
Okay,
I'm going to go about my day trying not to think about that,
Trying not to remember what it was like when I went through breast cancer before.
That,
Indeed,
If this buggy ick,
My word,
Was coming back,
And I had just spent this whole entire day,
Today,
The last day of not knowing,
If I spend this day worrying about it,
I would have wasted this beautiful,
Precious day.
So I took myself out for a brisk walk in the cool,
Sunny morning.
I went to the library to return a book.
I love having a destination.
En route,
I walked by the fellow from the parks department,
Cutting the grass on a great big writing machine.
It looked like such fun to zip back and forth,
Cutting deep,
Straight rows in the tall,
Moist grass.
It was so lush and dark emerald green and so intensely grassy.
I smiled at him and he smiled back.
It was such a beautiful,
Small exchange,
And my eyes teared up.
In the library,
I was so elated to see some of my favorite authors on the shelf called Lucky Day,
Where they put books that are new releases and heavily sought.
With weeks and weeks of folks on the waiting list.
And there my favorite authors were right there,
Ready for me to pick up.
Oh,
I was filled with glee.
I smiled and I felt that joy just seep down into my heart.
I picked up a couple of books,
And before leaving the library for the walk home,
I had my books in a lumpy bag.
I wanted to use the loo before the walk.
So,
I asked a fellow sitting nearby if he would watch my bags while I nipped in.
He laughed and he said,
Well,
I'll have to charge for that.
We both laughed.
And when I came back out,
I was about to retrieve my bag.
And he said,
Excuse me,
Young lady,
Can I see some ID?
Again,
We chuckled and chatted for a few minutes.
And I thought how wonderful it is to be able to have this little contact with another person and bring such joy and lightness into our moments.
As I walked down the street and was crossing at the light,
The long fire engine truck pulled up.
I waved at the firefighters and smiled with the joy of a five-year-old seeing the big truck and the young firefighters.
A woman firefighter was driving.
They all smiled back,
All three of them waving,
And they tooted their horn and rang their bell.
Oh,
Such a frisson of joy made my heart skip.
What is it about the firetruck bell and smiles of these young,
Brave folks that always fills me with joy?
And I was thinking I could have missed every one of these tiny,
Beautiful moments if I steeped myself in the terror thinking of what if.
Instead,
I made a decision and I chose to savor this moment.
Because without the knowledge of what is coming in our future,
We are all only given this moment,
This one perfect day.
That's all.
This beautiful moment to see the roses on the walk home,
The dog who's walking toward me,
Tongue lolling all drippy and pink from a rambunctious morning romp,
The toddler on the tricycle wobbly riding in front of me.
Instead of gloomy thinking,
Oh,
No,
I chose to notice and note and savor and cherish all these treasures right here,
Right now.
Pretty soon I'll walk into that appointment and I will get whatever information is revealed.
Whatever happens,
I will deal with it like I dealt with breast cancer 101,
Like I have dealt with every single heart I have ever had.
But now,
As I continue my walk home,
Right here,
Right now,
There's a heavy vine of jasmine.
Oh,
It's fragrant,
So heavenly.
And right there,
Three wide open stargazer lilies that smell deeply delicious.
I bury my nose into that flower and I come away with orange dusty pollen on my nose.
It makes me laugh and sneeze.
In my bag,
I have delightful new books to read.
And I have a great cup of dark,
Rich coffee waiting,
Waiting for me when I get home.
I will stay here right now in this minute,
In this day,
Savoring every minute,
Noting every fragrance,
Every sound,
The feel of the sun on my eyelids,
The gentle breeze wafting fragrances of blooms my way.
And I will not jump to conclusions.
Stay tuned.
Stay tuned.
I'll be back either way.
