Softening Instead Of Striving | Stop Forcing + Start Flowing

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Wild Freewell podcast.

Today I am here to talk to you about a topic that I am actively working on as I'm recording this because it's been a very busy time for me lately and I'm very grateful for that.

It's been good and it's been self-induced so there's also that.

Don't really have anybody to blame but myself.

But anyways,

It's been a very busy period of time.

Oh,

You can see my podcast buddy there moving behind me.

Yeah,

So I've been in a self-induced busy period because I have made some decisions to kind of push myself to do something I wasn't sure I would have time to do this year and I've found a way to make it work and I'm really,

Really grateful for that.

It just,

It feels really,

Really good.

However,

Because I have had the energy of busy,

I have also been trying to balance that with today's topic which is this.

Today we are going to talk about softening instead of striving.

So let me start out by saying that I often have this conversation with clients and it goes a little something like this.

But how can I make changes if I don't find the motivation,

If I don't push myself,

If I don't kind of find a way to move forward?

There's this kind of resistance that's happening as they're moving towards what they want.

There's a little bit,

It's not just resistance,

It's like,

It's almost like fighting against yourself or trying to force your way forward,

Trying to make things happen instead of letting things happen.

And this is a cultural paradigm,

Cliche,

Story,

Call it what you want.

Especially for those of us from North America where the conversation is very much about like,

You can achieve whatever you want if you just work hard enough.

And I recently had this conversation with my mailing list as well where we were talking about how,

I mean that's a beautiful sentiment,

There's a lot of power in that and it is also quite positive,

Right?

Like you can achieve anything that you want and I genuinely believe that.

But if you are not achieving what you want when you want it,

Because we always have,

Not always I guess,

But we tend to have these like conditions around achieving,

Right?

We have these kind of limitations like I need to achieve this by this date or I need to have this by this age or whatever it might be,

Right?

When you have those kinds of like self-imposed limitations and you haven't achieved the thing,

Whatever it is,

By the time that you wanted to or when you think you should have or when is culturally appropriate to have done that thing.

When I say culturally appropriate,

I'm talking about things like maybe getting married,

Having kids,

Like those kind of,

You know,

Milestones that are kind of culturally predefined.

When we are working towards something and we haven't achieved it in the timeline that we want,

This phrase can kind of come back and bite us in the ass because it turns on itself and it becomes this like,

Well,

You just haven't worked hard enough then,

Right?

Because like you can achieve anything if you just work hard enough and if you haven't achieved that thing,

You just haven't been working hard enough.

So like get your shit together kind of thing.

And obviously that's dangerous.

I would say borderline toxic.

And we need to be really mindful because the inherent message in this saying is positive but we can also use it as a way to punish ourselves if it gets kind of turned on itself because we haven't like achieved the thing in the timeline that we had kind of this arbitrary timeline,

Either arbitrarily set by us or arbitrarily set by society,

Right?

So when I talk to clients and they say to me,

Well,

Like,

But if I don't force myself to do something,

I just won't do it.

I just so do not agree.

Like literally at all.

And I would argue that the more that you're forcing yourself to do something,

The less likely you are to actually get where you want to go.

Because when you get to that place,

You're going to feel maybe not completely satisfied because you didn't really enjoy the getting there.

I'm having this conversation with myself a lot in quite a few areas of my life where I'm being really mindful of trying to enjoy the journey.

It's not always easy when something feels a little bit stressful,

But it's so,

So,

So important to remember.

And I think that this is like,

This is the segue into we need to invite softness in because while we think that striving,

Pushing,

Forcing is the thing that's going to get us what we want,

It's only going to kind of steal pieces of us away from us along the way.

What do I mean by that?

If you're not enjoying the process of getting to the thing,

If it's not making you happy,

If it's not fulfilling you in some way,

If it's not giving you a sense of peace in some way,

Then when you get the thing,

What is the likelihood that you're going to feel happy,

Peaceful,

Or any of the other things,

Right?

It's really unlikely that you're going to get yourself there.

One of the things that I also say to clients all the time is you cannot hate yourself happy,

Okay?

You cannot hate yourself healthy,

Skinny,

Hot,

Sexy,

Whatever.

You cannot hate yourself smart.

You cannot hate yourself anything.

So if you are not approaching the doing of the thing,

The process of the thing with love,

With happiness,

With joy,

Then it's not going to feel that way at the end,

Or it's unlikely at least that it's going to feel that way at the end,

If that makes sense.

So what is the alternative?

The alternative is really softening this entire approach.

This is,

I think,

A very,

Very Western approach to goal setting and to achieving in general,

Whatever it might be.

We have this kind of just do it attitude,

Which is hilarious.

I'm wearing a Nike.

I'm wearing a Nike shirt today.

But anyways,

We have this just do it attitude.

And men in particular,

Okay,

Like I don't love to delineate in this way,

But men in particular are taught that when something is hard,

They need to just get on with it,

Like be a man and just do it and all of these things.

So this is also something that is potentially more prevalent in like the masculine half of this audience or potentially also people who are moving from their masculine.

So like,

There are lots of times where we as women,

Especially in Western society are taught to move in the world from a very masculine energy.

Most of the world and the systems within the world are structured in a very masculine way.

And so it's normal that we are embodying all of these things.

It's what we're taught to do.

It's what we are shown and modeled.

And so we kind of move this way.

But it is very,

Very difficult for us to just do the thing with any kind of joy or resonance or like alignment.

When we're forcing ourselves to do something,

We are not going to get the results that we are looking for,

Whatever those results may be.

Because the results that you're looking for are not this external goal or whatever that you're working towards.

It is the feeling that you think that that goal is going to give you.

If you are hustling,

Striving,

Forcing,

Pushing towards that goal,

When you get to that goal,

How will you feel peace?

You have not cultivated the energy of peace along the path,

Right?

You have not been moving from an energy of peace.

And so that's where we need to start.

We need to reverse engineer whatever it is that's out there that we are working towards.

We need to begin by embodying that energy now.

And we can do that by softening.

What do I mean by softening?

I mean letting go.

I mean surrendering.

I mean not forcing things to happen,

Not forcing things to come into place,

Specifically not forcing yourself to do things that you hate.

If you are forcing yourself to do something that you hate,

You need to have a conversation with yourself around why you feel that thing is necessary.

A really good example of this is exercise,

But what I mean by that is very specific styles of exercise,

Okay?

Why are you forcing yourself to run if you hate it?

Why are you forcing yourself to lift weights if you hate it?

Why are you forcing yourself to go to classes if you hate it?

There are so many ways that we can move our bodies.

There are so many ways that we can approach fitness that we do not need to be pigeonholed,

But we tend to think that one way is the right way.

So running is the best way to lose weight and there's a whole ton of air quotes in that for the people who cannot see me.

But that's not necessarily true.

The best way for you to lose weight is going to be by you doing what is best for you.

You can take me at my word or you can call this BS.

It's fine.

I'm okay.

I got big shoulders and I can carry it.

But I can promise you that if you go about things in your way and you do things that bring you joy,

Then the outcome will flow naturally from that.

There will be no forcing of a specific outcome to happen because you will automatically be carried in that direction by the energy of the joy and peace and love and whatever it is that you're cultivating along the way.

Okay?

Does that make sense?

I feel like my eye is watering,

Which is not particularly fun.

Okay.

When we are moving in a space of forcing,

Resisting and whatever,

We tend to think that we are,

How can I say this?

Let me start this again actually because I don't like the way that I've worded that.

We tend to use the effort that we put in to achieving the thing,

Whatever the thing is.

The thing being the goal,

The feeling,

The scent,

Whatever it is that you're working towards.

Insert object here.

Okay?

We tend to use the striving and the force and the effort as proof of us being worthy of the thing when we finally get it.

Again,

This tends to be a more Western approach to doing things.

We tend to believe that we will be worthy of said thing when we have worked hard enough.

Right?

So we are using this as a way to prove that we deserve the end result because if we have suffered enough and I'm about to say something that is not going to make me very popular,

But in a lot of religions,

In a lot of religions,

This is also the case.

This is a conversation that I have with my partner relatively frequently because I would say that I am,

I would identify as more spiritual.

My partner is Catholic and we had spent a lot of time last year,

Especially going to church and trying to find a church that worked for us.

And one of the beefs that I had with going to church was not the going.

I think it's such a beautiful ritual.

I think it's so,

So deeply grounding and I really love that.

And for the people who get something out of it,

Amen,

Get on with your bad self and all that jazz.

However,

When we were going last year,

I was getting so pissed off because the sermons tended to revolve around this kind of idea that the more that you suffer on earth,

The more you will be worthy of heaven at the end of your life.

And I,

I,

I cannot,

I absolutely cannot with this.

I don't care if religion has been around for 2000 years and I've been around for 35.

I really,

Really,

Really don't care.

I cannot get behind this.

I cannot possibly support something that actively tells people who,

By the way,

Are probably already suffering in one way or another,

That this suffering is somehow good and or justified because they will be rewarded in the end.

And there's so many aspects of the systems that we live in that follow a very similar pattern.

So if you look at the education system,

The education system really does follow a very similar pattern.

You need to work really hard to get a really good grade.

If you get a really good grade,

You pass to the next level,

Rinse and repeat until you get to the end where you go on to another school with another level.

And then once you get out of that,

Then you will be rewarded with a good job.

And in 1950 circa,

That probably was true.

I would argue that it is no longer true.

And I would also argue that this is an inherently flawed system that applauds only the people who are able to thrive within that system.

Okay.

Not everyone thrives in an academic environment that does not make those people any less intelligent or any less worthy.

But the systems that we live in glorify this idea of work harder,

Do better,

Work harder,

Do better,

Work harder,

Earn more money,

Work harder,

Achieve more,

Work harder,

Be more popular,

Work harder,

Be more appreciative,

Appreciated,

Be more productive.

There's a lot of things that are saying to you,

If you just did more,

Then you would be worthy.

But when does the doing more reach the limit of enoughness?

When are we individually ever doing enough to finally be worthy of whatever the thing is?

Okay.

We see this also with rest.

Rest has been something that has been commodified in the sense that rest is something that you somehow need to earn.

You deserve to rest when you have finished doing all of the things that you need to do.

When you have finished working,

When you have finished producing,

When you have finished being a cog in the machine,

Then you get to rest.

Then you get to pat yourself on the back.

Then you get to celebrate yourself.

So again,

It's not even just that you're only worthy after you do the hard thing,

But it's that that's when you get to enjoy life.

Think about retirement.

Man,

I am just,

I am unpacking 7 million things.

I just realized my camera is unfocused.

Let me fix that.

Sorry,

Guys.

A little zoom in there.

I'm unpacking so many things,

But think about retirement.

Retirement follows a very,

Very,

Very similar line.

Use the best years of your life to work.

When you are done working,

Then you may enjoy your life.

We are ingrained and embroiled in a system that is constantly beating us over the head with this topic.

It is no surprise then that people are taking this and translating it into their personal development,

Their personal growth,

Translating it into their spirituality in some ways.

I'm talking about spirituality outside of the context of defined religion because I've already mentioned how defined religion also follows a similar pattern.

But I mean like even the people who are not maybe partaking in a very specific religion or are doing more like spiritual practices like meditating or yoga or whatever it might be.

I don't really care.

Maybe there's like that kind of attitude of like,

Well,

I need to do this in order to be worthy.

And none of this is true.

None of it is true.

And not only is it not true that doing something makes you worthy because you are worthy because you are.

Full stop.

Period.

The end.

And listen,

If something about that doesn't ring true for you,

I want you to stop right now.

I want you to stop and pause this episode and really,

Really ask yourself why.

Why does the idea that you are worthy because you live and breathe feel like it doesn't align,

Feel like it doesn't,

Like it isn't true?

Why does it feel like a lie?

Okay.

Ask yourself that because that is the key to your own unfolding.

That is the key to your next level.

If you can get to the space where you feel like you are worthy because you live and breathe without having to do anything,

Without any checkboxes to tick.

Okay.

That is freedom,

My friend.

And it is so deeply healing because it is the opposite of what we are being sold.

And it is so,

So important that we sink into that.

Now I have lost my train of thought as to what I was saying before.

But anyways,

It's just vital.

It's really vital that we understand that our worthiness is not on the other side of doing and that doing things from this perspective is never going to get us where we actually want to go.

There is no,

No goal,

Nothing literally that efforting can achieve that cannot also be achieved via rest,

Via softening,

Via slowing down.

Nothing.

We think that that's not true.

We think that if we stop or slow down,

That we are lazy.

We have been told that lie as well.

And that is just simply not true.

It is simply not true.

And there is actually going to be another episode of the podcast that's going to come out specifically on this topic of laziness,

Because I was having a very interesting and satisfying conversation with a client about this,

This week.

So that's coming shortly,

But we're not going to sit here with it today,

Just to keep that in mind.

But I will argue that the idea of being lazy is not true.

We are,

There is always something going on beneath the surface.

And so what I want to say to you is,

What would your life be like if the thing,

The goal,

The process,

The journey,

Whatever,

Or just your life in general,

Maybe,

Right?

What if it wasn't hard?

What if it didn't need to be hard?

And the second side of that would be,

Why are you trying so hard?

Why?

For what?

Think about that for a second.

Because there is a chance that behind your trying,

There is something that is not yours.

Okay?

For more information on that process of like the whole that's not mine thing,

You can see the very first episode of this podcast ever from many,

Many moons ago.

But this is something that I take my clients through often as well.

Like some,

Sometimes there are things in life that we believe without even realizing that we believe them.

And this discussion that I have unpacked here about,

You know,

The productivity and the doing and the,

You know,

We need to work hard in order to be worthy.

That whole discussion is so culturally ingrained and socially acceptable,

Right?

Like society believes this,

It teaches us this,

It enforces and reinforces this thing for us.

So it's very difficult to unpack that individually when we are surrounded by it collectively,

Right?

Like it's everywhere.

So what if though,

Like play with me,

Let's experiment for a second,

Pretend that you're a scientist and you're just going to try this thing out to see if it fits or feels any different,

Right?

But like what if you didn't actually have to try so hard?

What would your life be like?

What would it feel like?

What would you accomplish if you weren't constantly browbeating yourself to move forward?

Like just try it.

Humor me.

Humor me and try it because it really does change things.

And the reason,

So I started off this episode,

I'm going to bring this full circle for a second.

I started off this episode saying that I am in the process of doing exactly what I'm telling you to do.

Right now I am working behind the scenes to launch a program in my business,

Okay?

And I've done it on a very tight timeline because it's what I needed to do.

I needed to do this on a very tight timeline this year.

And I have put myself in a situation where I have increased my busyness,

Okay?

Exponentially I would argue.

And I have a million other things going on because I still have a personal life.

I'm trying to exercise frequently,

Which I'm doing a really great job of,

Honestly.

And there's a lot of things that are going on and I kind of put myself in this uncomfortable position and I've had to really talk myself down from this ledge because it's no less ingrained in me than it is in anyone who's listening to this,

Right?

It's not like I didn't grow up in the West.

It's not like I am not indoctrinated into all of the same things that you are.

I have this too.

It's just that I'm having these conversations with myself and also,

Luckily,

With clients.

And when I'm having these conversations with clients it reinforces that within me.

And even when I have these conversations with you,

Right,

It reinforces this for me.

But even yesterday I had to take a break.

I could not possibly have continued.

But on paper there were so many things that needed to get done that the correct answer,

Again,

On paper or certainly from a socially acceptable point of view,

Would have been to push a little harder,

Dig a little deeper,

Give a little more,

Right?

Really drain that well,

Like pull,

Pull,

Pull until there's nothing left to finish the things that I needed to do.

But the program that I'm launching is all around this kind of topic of softening into the seasons and really relaxing and like being present with what's coming up for you and not needing to change anything about yourself in order to be worthy.

Who the hell am I to create anything to do with this program from an energy that is not seeped,

Absolutely just steeping in that energy?

If the energy of the program is soft,

Then I need to be soft first.

I need to lead by example.

I need to model that behavior and move in a soft way.

And also,

I need to be the example.

So I believe that this is true.

I believe that we can move softly and achieve more.

Genuinely,

The softer we go,

The slower we go.

I genuinely think long term,

The more we achieve and the more satisfying the achievement is.

Okay,

That does not mean that on a regular basis,

I don't get sucked back into this cycle,

Right?

Because it is like a collective sort of brainwashing that we've all been fed.

And so we have to,

When we notice it,

Take a step back.

So yesterday,

I stopped everything.

Like there was so much that needed to be done.

And yesterday was a peculiar day as well because I had people in and out of my house doing some work and like that too threw me off.

So there was just a lot going on.

But like,

I went for a walk with my partner and Mila.

And then I came home and I did some work and then I just realized that I was hitting a complete and total wall.

Did a little bit of work before we went and a little bit when we came back.

And so I stopped.

I stopped and I had a hot shower because that's my form of heaven on earth.

And I put on some body oil because again,

Makes me feel like a million dollars and all of those things made it so I was able to come here and have this conversation with you.

Now,

Let me let me also because we're never not calling ourselves out on this on this podcast.

Let me also say to you something that's really,

Really important.

There was in in the busyness of this week,

The podcast normally comes out on Fridays.

And I usually record the podcast in advance because that's the responsible thing to do.

However,

This week,

That just was not a possibility between like personal commitments and clients and other things that I had to get done and the energy that I had available to me.

I just wasn't able to get there with the podcast to deliver it in a way that I feel is valuable.

Okay,

My standards are very high.

They are very high.

And I'm not going to apologize for them.

Because we don't do that here.

Okay,

That's another thing that we need to unpack.

I am not going to apologize or try to change the fact that I have high standards.

If I have high standards,

Then I need to care for myself in such a way that meeting those standards does not deplete me.

That is my job.

That is my responsibility,

Showing up for myself in that way.

So I have really high standards.

And I like to do the podcast in a certain way.

And I like to have like a very formed idea.

And I like to be energetically clean and clear so that I can communicate exactly what I want to communicate to you.

Now,

Because we're calling ourselves out,

It is 916am on Friday.

The podcast would normally have come out 16 minutes ago.

But again,

We don't do that here anymore.

Right?

What I mean by that is I could have just said,

Oh,

Well,

I didn't get the podcast out by the usual time.

So I'm just not going to do it.

Or I have other things to focus on while I'm launching this program.

So I'm just going to focus on those things.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

Because we don't do that here.

Because the truth of what we want is always the most important and what we feel and what we need us as humans.

Not Alaysia,

The coach,

Not Alaysia,

The podcaster,

It doesn't matter any of that.

Alaysia,

The human being yesterday needed a break.

Was there time to record the podcast?

Absolutely.

Would it have been even one third as awesome as this episode is?

No.

If I had done it yesterday?

No,

Because I didn't have anything left to give.

But allowing myself to become well resourced,

Allowing myself to take that time to relax and rest.

Okay.

And even today,

Most of my day is going to be taking a break from all of this,

Which is actually hilarious.

And that's a conversation that we shall have in the future.

However,

I'm taking a break from from doing all the things that I need to do.

There are still many,

Many,

Many,

Many things that need to be done.

I mean,

The list feels infinite,

Quite frankly.

And it doesn't matter because I need this.

And that is the most important thing.

It's always going to be the most important thing.

So what would happen if you didn't try so hard?

And if you just allowed yourself to soften?

And if you just allowed yourself to unfold and just be all of who you are,

And not force,

Strive,

Push,

You know,

Try to kind of force yourself into motivation?

What would happen if you just kind of Jesus take the wheel about the whole situation and just let it go?

I know that sounds scary.

But there is so much freedom on the other side of that.

And I will argue as well,

You build up a muscle long term from doing this,

Like you build up a muscle where you can take care of yourself.

And you build up this trust that you still have your own back.

So I did,

I took a break yesterday,

And I still showed up today,

It would have been easy to say,

Oh,

I don't have enough time,

Because I actually have to leave in like 10 minutes.

To go somewhere.

So I could have had a whole conversation about how it was impossible for me to do this and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And I have to be blah in a rush.

And there's no time and I have other things I need to do.

That's always going to be true.

But instead,

This was the thing that was going to fill me this is the thing that was on my heart to say.

And so here I am saying it doing the thing and taking the break yesterday and taking a break today is not going to make me any less effective.

If anything,

It is going to make me more effective.

It is going to give me more power,

More juice,

More energy to be able to translate and transmute the message that I want to to you.

So this is where I leave you.

I really hope that this episode landed.

We have talked about like a lot.

This was way longer than I expected it to because it just more and more things kept coming up as I was talking.

I just kept thinking of more examples.

But I hope all of this lands somehow,

And that you take away from this the fact that you are worthy.

And you do not need to push drive or force yourself to do the thing.

And if you are doing something that requires a colossal amount of effort,

I want you to ask yourself why you are doing that specific thing.

If something in your life is requiring you to really like pull from your reserves to get it done,

Is there another option?

Is there something else that you could be doing instead of that specific thing in order to feel good or to whatever,

Whatever it is?

Because like,

I mean,

Okay,

Listen,

It might be cleaning the house.

Maybe that's something that you just cannot get behind.

Is there a way for you to outsource that to someone else?

Or is there a way to make that more enjoyable?

Like whatever it is,

Whatever,

Whatever scenario you are in where you feel like you are forcing yourself to do something,

Is there a way to transmute that or to change it or to,

You know,

Turn it on its head,

Make a different decision that allows it to unfold in a slightly different way?

There almost always is.

Almost always.

And I would encourage you to have a look and see if you can't find that for yourself.

I hope that this episode finds you well.

I hope that you,

I hope that you learn to really believe that you are worthy and to really,

Really sink into that.

And I hope you take that worthiness and have the best weekend ever.

And I will see you on the next episode of the podcast.

Bye.