Identifying Your Healing Fantasy & Your Role-Self (Part 7/7)

Today,

We're going to do another session on the book,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C.

Gibson.

I did a series of talks about this book,

And this is an extra one that I'm doing because I feel that it's going to be very interesting.

So today,

We're going to be,

We're going to discover what our healing fantasy is and what is the self role that we created when we were little.

Okay.

This is going to be an exercise that we are going to be doing together.

We're going to need two pieces of paper and a pen,

And we are going to do this.

We're going to answer some questions.

Okay.

So for those of you who maybe are not familiar with what is a healing fantasy and what is the self role.

So this book talks,

Lindsey,

The author of the book,

Talks that when we are small,

When we are growing up,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five years old,

We,

That's when we learn about the world.

That's when we learn how to express love,

How to receive love,

How to be,

What's okay,

What's not okay.

That's when we see the family systems,

The dynamics that are happening around us.

And at that time,

Especially in an environment with emotionally immature parents,

Parents that didn't know how to,

How to be emotionally mature enough,

Most likely dynamics were happening.

And then you had,

So your true self was not welcomed.

Your true self,

The way you were,

What didn't fit in those family dynamics,

And you didn't get what you needed,

Being your true self.

So you,

You needed to create a role self.

That is the first thing.

You create a role self,

Basically you put a mask and you perform in a way that you will keep yourself safe,

That you will do what's needed so that you can receive some sort of attention.

Okay.

And then that's all happening unconsciously.

And then we carry that self-role throughout our lives and we bring this to our partnerships.

We bring this to co-workers,

We bring this to family members,

We bring this to friends and that self-role stays there unless we do the work of identifying it and then discovering what the true self is.

So that is,

That is the role self and the healing fantasy that is a visualization that you create in your mind on how one day things will change outside of you and then you will finally receive what you need.

So people around you will change and they will do something that will help you receive,

Be valued,

Be loved and receive what you wanted.

So that is the healing fantasy.

And what happens is that we have that healing fantasy unconsciously majority of the times and we gauge everybody on that healing fantasy.

How is this person matching my healing fantasy?

How is this person doing what I need so that I can feel loved,

Accepted,

Respected,

Valued,

Whatever that is for you.

So basically the healing fantasy is how do you need other people to change so that you can get what you need and the role self,

How do I need to show up so that I can receive what I need?

Okay,

That is the differences between one and the other.

So today we're going to be doing the exercise of trying to discover what that is for us and we didn't get to do this exercise in depth when we were covering the book and that's why I was revisiting the book and I felt like,

Yeah,

This is something that is important and I think this is an extra session that is going to be very valuable.

And for those of you who miss all the other ones,

I have recordings of all of them and you can find them by going to my Insight Timer profile link and then you click on the about tab and then you will find a link in there.

Okay,

Just click on that link and you will see an option that says Insight Timer live sessions recordings and you can find them all in there.

Okay,

So as always,

When we talk about this topic that can be very tender,

Very emotional,

My invitation for all of you is to please be gentle with yourself,

Please have compassion.

The goal of this session is not to blame,

It's not to point fingers,

It's not to find criticism,

The goal is to gain awareness,

The goal is to be curious,

The goal is to be willing to look at the truth and hopefully start healing and transforming things that we notice that no longer serve us.

This is always a personal decision,

Okay?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to,

But anytime you see something,

You become aware of something that you don't like,

That you no longer need,

That it doesn't add value to your life,

Then that's an opportunity for you to hopefully transform that thing that you discover into something different,

Okay?

So what does fantasy mean in this case?

So Becca,

Fantasy means,

For example,

When we do the exercise,

It's gonna make a lot of sense,

But basically,

A healing fantasy means how do other people need to be,

What do they need to do so that you can feel you can receive what you need,

Okay?

So for example,

Let's say that when I was little,

I really wanted to get hugs.

I did get a lot of hugs from my mom,

But my dad,

He wasn't a hugger.

He doesn't mind if I give him a hug,

But he's not gonna come and give me a hug by himself.

So let's say that I had a boon,

Like,

Oh,

I wish I received more love through hugging.

So maybe my healing fantasy is that my partner,

If she doesn't hug me,

So she needs to hug me so that I can feel loved.

If she doesn't hug me all the time,

I won't feel loved.

And there is nothing else I can receive because she's not hugging me.

So I need her to hug me.

I need something very concrete.

And this is something that I'm conscious about,

But there are many things that may be unconscious that when you uncover them,

That's your opportunity to start changing.

But when they are unconscious,

You are actually acting,

You are reacting to behaviors because you have some neediness in the background that you are not aware of,

And you need people to do something so that you can receive what you need.

So that is what a healing fantasy means.

And we hold this healing fantasy with our parents,

With the hope in the book.

We talk about this.

We always,

Back in the mind,

We are always hoping that one day they will change and then I will finally get what I needed.

But majority of the times that won't happen.

And that's why we need to change ourselves rather than trying to change other people.

So I don't agree with this story.

I have learned expecting others to change for us.

Maybe I am on the wrong track.

I have learned expecting others to change for us.

Yeah.

So you want others to change.

You want others to do something so that that fits with the healing fantasy that you have in your mind.

And when we do the exercise,

You are going to,

It's going to become more clear,

Okay?

But basically you have an idea in your mind of how things should be and how people should behave with you.

And if they don't behave that specific way,

You will not be able to receive what you need.

And that is when you have to become aware of that healing fantasy and hopefully transform it into something different.

So,

Are you guys ready to do the exercise?

Ideally,

You will have two pieces of paper,

Okay?

And you will have a pen.

One piece of paper is going to be for your healing fantasy.

You can write on the top,

Healing fantasy,

Okay?

On the other piece of paper,

You can write myself role,

Okay?

Just let me know when you guys have that.

We are going to start with the healing fantasy,

Okay?

So I want you to have in front of you the paper that says on the top,

Healing fantasy.

And then what I am going to do,

There is one,

Two,

Three,

Four,

Five,

There are five questions.

One question is basically five sentences that you will need to complete,

Okay?

So I'm going to read them one by one and I'm going to leave some space for you to write.

Please don't overthink,

Write whatever comes to mind first.

You can write a couple of things if you want,

But just write what comes to mind easily.

Don't think too much,

Just follow your gut feeling,

Okay?

And then after we are going to review them and we can share them in the chat.

But the idea is to complete these five things in order without getting distracted and then we can go and explore and share in the chat,

Okay?

So I'm ready to experience the feeling of healing,

Amazing this.

So are you guys ready?

Thumbs up if you guys are,

Give you a couple of minutes already.

So hopefully you are ready to write down and I can type the questions in here.

So the first question is,

I wish other people were more.

And I typed it in the chat so you can read it in the chat.

So I wish other people were more black.

So don't overthink it,

Okay?

Just write what comes to mind first.

I wish other people were more.

And don't share just yet,

Okay?

Let's just do these questions in order and then we can go back to them and then we can share after.

I don't want you guys to get very distracted,

Okay?

So I wish other people were more and hopefully you got something,

Okay?

So again,

We are not writing right now,

Let's just do the thing so that you get focused and you can keep going with this flow and then we're going to go,

We're going to come back after,

Okay?

So the next question is,

Why is it so hard for people to black?

Why is it so hard for people to,

And then you complete the sentence.

Why is it so hard for people to,

And then you complete the sentence,

Okay?

Why is it so hard for people to,

And then you complete the sentence,

Okay?

Don't overthink it,

Okay?

Just whatever comes to mind and give me a thumbs up when you guys are ready for the next one.

And don't share just yet,

Okay?

Let's just do the sharing after.

Okay,

So the next one,

It's in the chat.

For a change,

I would love someone who will.

.

.

Sorry,

I made a mistake in that one.

For a change,

I would love someone to treat me like.

.

.

I would love for someone to treat me like.

.

.

Yeah,

This is the right one,

Sorry,

I made a mistake there.

So for a change,

I would love for someone to treat me like.

.

.

And then you complete the sentence.

Write down whatever comes to mind first.

For a change,

I would love for someone to treat me like.

.

.

And then you complete the sentence,

And don't share just yet,

Okay?

I know you are excited to share,

But let's just complete the five questions first,

And then we share after,

Okay?

You guys ready for the next one?

And again,

I'm not allowing a lot of time here because I don't want you to think.

I want you to write down what comes,

The first thing that comes to mind,

Okay?

You can redo this exercise after if you want,

Okay?

So the next one.

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will.

.

.

And then complete the sentence.

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will.

.

.

And then you complete the sentence.

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will.

.

.

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will.

.

.

And then complete the sentence.

And then the last question,

Okay,

Are you guys ready for the last question?

So the last question says,

In an ideal world with good people,

Other people would.

.

.

So in an ideal world with good people,

Other people would blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So in an ideal world with good people,

Other people would,

What would they do?

And then you complete the sentence,

Okay?

And that will be the fifth question.

In an ideal world with good people,

Other people would,

And then you complete the sentence.

And let me know when you guys are complete,

When you guys have finished.

Then we can review the questions now.

When you guys are done,

We can review the questions again,

Okay?

So again,

The idea of this exercise is to don't give you enough time to think too much so that you come up with your gut instinct,

Okay?

So let's go back to the first question,

And now I want you guys to share what you have,

Right?

And it's okay if you want to tweak it,

It's okay if you want to add something,

If it feels good to you.

But the first one was,

I wish other people were more,

And now you can share in the chat what you got.

I wish other people were more compassion,

Appreciation,

Empathetic,

Understandable,

Compassionate,

And loving to themselves and others,

Considerate,

Kind,

Kinder,

More welcoming,

More patient,

Amazing.

So that was question number one,

Emotionally safe,

Aware of others' sensitivities,

Beautiful,

Respectful of each other's boundaries,

Yeah,

Boundaries,

Kind and understanding and happy about small things,

Limit their unsolicited advice,

Yeah.

So I wish other people were more gentle,

Aware of differences,

Attentive,

Respectful of my boundaries,

Authentic,

Real.

So there are a lot of commonalities here,

As you guys can see,

Able to put themselves in other people's shoes,

So empathy,

Mindful,

Empathizing,

Reflecting,

Less selfish,

Yeah.

So thank you so much,

Guys,

For sharing.

So let's go to question number two,

Okay?

Why is it so hard for people to,

And I know it's similar,

But sometimes we get different things,

Okay?

So why is it so hard for people to understand and accept me,

Forgive themselves,

Say I love you,

Also admit their mistakes,

Understand me,

To be loving,

To be kind,

To be kind,

Show up there and be reassuring,

Compassionate,

Respectful to others,

Love each other,

Acknowledge other perspectives,

Respectful,

Yeah,

Nice.

To be friendly toward each other as strangers,

See their own internalized racism,

Homophobia and sexism,

Patient,

Authentic,

Amazing.

So lots of good things in here,

Control their emotions,

Heal and grow,

Amazing.

So let's go to question number three,

Okay?

Question number three was,

For a change,

I would love someone to treat me like,

What do you guys have in the third one?

Treat me like family,

Like a queen,

Like I'm special,

A close friend,

That I have value in society,

Human being,

That I matter.

It's safe to relax,

Like I matter,

That I actually matter,

That I mean something to them,

That I am smart,

Know what I'm talking about and not judge me,

That I'm special,

Worthy of understanding,

Truly valued and appreciated,

That I am important and have something to say,

Treat me like their best friend,

Favorite person,

Treat me like I'm seen and heard,

Appreciated for who I am,

Not for what I do.

Beautiful guys,

This is so good.

So let's go to the next one,

To number four,

Okay?

I'm going to put four here to separate the top,

Okay?

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will,

What do you guys have in four?

Maybe one of these days,

I will find someone who will appreciate,

See and hear me,

Who will love me for all of my perfect imperfections,

Understand me and love me just the way I am,

Respect me,

Really care,

Be there and safe,

Actually want to spend time with me and share my interests,

Be a lifelong friend and not leave when I speak my truth,

Recognize me for who I am,

Yeah,

Beautiful,

Laugh as hard as I do at things I like are funny,

Laugh as hard as I do at things I think are funny,

Accept me for who I really am,

Treat me like a queen,

Support my dreams and visions without judgment,

Love me unconditionally,

Truly appreciate and value me,

My time and efforts,

Considerations and reciprocate,

Yeah,

Be stable,

Honest and open and safe,

Amazing.

So let's go to number five,

I'm going to put a five here,

Number four,

As being amazing just the way I am,

Amazing.

So number five,

In an ideal world with good people,

Other people would,

What would they do?

Love each other unconditionally,

Support each other,

Listen to each other with open minds and hearts,

Also be good by following the other's behavior,

Treat each other kindly,

Other people will be open-minded and love all,

Dare to be themselves and feel loved,

People not blaming other,

Speak up when there is a harm to others,

Joy,

Fun and laughter,

Love and kindness,

Be more themselves,

Respect me,

Make an effort to understand me and my needs,

Appreciate all that I do and give,

Love,

Be just,

Share good things,

Truly know each other,

Accept and be tender,

Willing to accept,

Help to go to therapy,

Amazing.

Yeah,

So now I want you guys to really look at your answers,

Right,

And these answers are giving you a lot of information of the things that you expect from others.

So the book says that by you becoming aware of these,

You are uncovering what your healing fantasy is,

You are uncovering the things that you need in order for you to get the things that you value,

The things that you needed to receive love,

To be appreciated,

Etc,

Etc.

So now the reflection piece comes into how do you hold this healing fantasy with everybody around you?

And I personally will add something here,

I will add something very important I feel,

How do you provide these things for yourself?

How do you provide all these things that you mentioned here that you want others to do to you,

How do you provide that for yourself?

And I'm curious to know how do you feel about that?

Is that something that you think you can do?

I feel uncomfortable with this,

It feels I am being judgmental.

That's welcome here,

Becca,

It's okay to feel that way,

It makes sense.

Self-care,

Continue to grow spiritually,

Embrace my shadow and not spiritually bypass emotionally.

Yeah,

So first of all,

It is totally okay to want these things and everything that you brought here,

It's fine that you want those things,

There is nothing wrong with that,

Right?

The problem is when you don't get it,

You can want anything that you want,

But when you don't receive that from another person,

You can't really force them to do something that they are not doing.

You can influence them,

You can share what you need,

You can evoke something in them by you being a specific way,

But the healing fantasy comes into place when there is a person and the book talks about your parents concretely,

Your mom and your dad or whoever raised you,

And you are expecting them to become what you just brought here.

And majority of the times,

Unfortunately,

That's not going to happen,

And that's why it's important to know.

And that's why I think it's important to really be able to learn how to give all of those things ourselves to ourselves,

Because when we learn how to do that for ourselves,

We are going to have an easier time to receive that from others.

And also other people are going to see us doing this with ourselves,

And they are going to kind of see how we treat ourselves,

And they're going to treat us similarly.

That is,

In The Last Life,

We talk about teaching others how to treat you,

And I think that this is really something really important.

If you want to be valued,

If you want to be more compassionate in the world,

If you want to be more empathetic,

If you want people to be kinder,

So if you become that,

Majority of the times you are going to start attracting more of that in your life.

And people who are not resonating at that level,

People who are not being that,

They are not going to feel attracted to you.

You are not going to attract those people,

Most likely.

Or they may change,

And you may evoke in them something different.

You may give them the opportunity to wow,

Like,

Wow,

This person is really kind to themselves.

It's amazing to see.

I want more of that in my life,

So now I'm aware,

And I'm going to try to do that too.

And most likely,

They're going to treat you the same way that you treat yourself.

So that's amazing and profound.

I can definitely be more of these things for myself and others.

Yeah,

Give unconditionally when I feel the need.

Yeah,

With gentleness and recognition,

Replace all habits with good healthy.

Yeah,

Again,

All of this information is just for you to be aware.

You don't have to do anything with it if you don't want to.

It is a choice,

Okay?

You have the choice to do whatever you want with this information.

My invitation to all of you is,

Anytime you feel a strong emotion,

Anytime you feel resistance,

Anytime you feel anger,

You feel sadness,

You feel unbeing judgmental,

You feel,

Explore that.

Why am I feeling this way?

First of all,

It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling.

Validate it.

It's present for a reason,

Okay?

You don't have to negate anything.

I am feeling this,

Just feel it.

And then what happens after?

Why are you feeling that?

Where is that coming from?

And then just be curious,

Explore.

And again,

You don't have to do anything with this information if you don't want to.

It is your choice,

Okay?

And you usually attract people similar to your family.

So maybe good to look at the way you were treated by your family first.

Yeah,

Iris,

This book is all about how you were raised in your family and discovering all the dynamics,

Right,

That you discovered,

That you learned about.

Because majority of the times,

You are going to keep doing what you understand.

You are going to keep pursuing the dynamics that you know how to handle,

That they are familiar to you.

Sometimes it's unconscious.

You just keep doing what you have seen.

And if you don't set a little bit of time to do this work of questioning,

Of uncovering,

Of becoming aware,

Some people call it shadow work,

Some people call it inner child work,

Some people call it imago therapy.

There are so many different ways of doing it.

But you are uncovering things that maybe you no longer want in your life and things that have been limiting you,

Okay?

So now there is one,

Two,

Three,

Four,

There are five questions to discover the raw self.

So my invitation is to do these five questions in order,

The same way that we did for the healing fantasy.

Let's just see what comes out for you guys and then we can share after doing the five questions.

How does that sound,

Guys?

Is that okay with you?

And then we can keep chatting after and we can keep doing Q&A after.

Is that okay with you?

Yeah?

Okay.

So I invite you to take the other piece of paper that you have that on the top it says your raw self,

Okay?

You can write there your raw self and that is the raw self that you created when you were little because your true identity was unwelcome.

So you learn how to create something different,

A persona that will fit better in your family dynamics,

In whatever environment you were environment you were growing up,

You learn how to create this persona that is called a raw self according to the book so that you could receive,

You could get what you needed,

Okay?

So I'm gonna write the questions in the chat like I did before and I'm gonna allow you a little bit of time,

Okay?

Yeah,

Becca,

Your raw self.

Thank you for typing that down.

You will just write my raw self because you are going to discover what your raw self is,

Okay?

So are you guys ready for the first question?

And again,

We are going to do the five questions.

My invitation is for you not to share anything yet.

Just stay focused.

Let's flow through the five questions.

They are short and then we can share after,

Okay?

Amazing.

So question number one.

I try hard to be.

I try hard to be and then complete the sentence.

I try hard to be and then complete the sentence.

So Angie,

You are writing this as you,

Okay?

So right now,

What are you trying to do right now?

You can write them from your current situation because we are trying to discover the raw self that it's still playing out in you,

Okay?

This is still relevant today for you,

Okay?

And don't share yet.

Let's just go through the five questions and then we can share after.

Okay?

So I try hard to be and then complete the question.

So let's go to number two,

Okay?

Number two is the main reason people like me is because I and then complete the sentence.

The main reason people like me is because I and then complete the sentence.

The main reason people like me is because I and then complete the sentence.

And give me a thumbs up when you guys are done.

Okay,

Don't overthink it,

Okay?

Just write what comes to mind first.

First.

Okay,

Let's go to question number three.

And a reminder,

We're going to be sharing after,

Okay?

Number three,

Other people don't appreciate how much I,

Other people don't appreciate how much I,

And then complete the sentence.

Other people don't appreciate how much I,

And then complete the sentence.

Then give me a thumbs up when you guys are ready for the fourth.

And we will share after,

Okay?

Let's do the five questions first so that we stay focused and then we share after.

We're going to go back to the questions.

Okay,

Number four.

I always have to be the one who,

I always have to be the one who,

And then complete the question.

I always have to be the one who,

And then complete the question.

And let me know with a thumbs up when you guys are ready for the last one,

The fifth one.

Okay,

So the fifth question is,

I have tried to be the kind of person who,

I have tried to be the kind of person who,

And then complete the question,

Complete the sentence.

I've tried to be the kind of person who,

So these questions are going to help you discover what your role self may be.

And this is the behaviors and the attitudes that you have to do in order for you to receive what you need.

So the book says,

These descriptions will reveal your secret ideas about how other people should change in order to make you feel valued,

That was the healing fantasy,

And how you think you must behave to be loved.

Okay,

I just wanted to read this from the book so that I don't use my own words,

And this is what we are trying to get out of this exercise,

Okay.

So are you guys done?

Are you guys complete?

Yeah,

Angie,

I can read that again.

So the book says,

These descriptions will reveal your secret ideas about how other people should change in order to make you feel valued,

That was about the healing fantasy,

Okay,

How other people should change in order to make you feel valued,

And how you must behave to be loved.

Okay,

So the book says,

These descriptions will reveal your secret ideas about how other people should change in order to make you feel valued,

And how you think you must behave to be loved.

How you think you must behave to be loved,

And that is the role self that we are doing now,

Okay.

For the role self,

Okay,

Now let's share,

Okay,

Let's share what we have.

Okay,

So question number one was,

I try hard to be,

And now you guys can put in the chat whatever you want to,

Whatever you came up with,

Okay.

So I try hard to be,

And Jesse,

We are covering an exercise from the book,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,

Okay.

So I'm trying hard to be content,

In control,

To hold myself,

Hold myself accountable,

And live in my integrity,

To be perfect,

Full,

Feel satisfied others,

To be grounded,

Perfect.

Though I know that doesn't exist,

Responsible,

Good,

A rule follower,

Considerate of other's needs and meet them when able,

Plus meet my own needs,

A kind person,

A good wife and mother,

Neighbor,

Don't rock the boat,

Okay,

Responsible,

A loving,

A good employer,

Citizen,

Normal,

Question mark,

Compassionate,

Friendly,

Approachable.

So I try hard to be good,

Kind,

Loving,

Helpful.

Amazing.

So let's just go to the second question now,

Okay,

And the second question was,

The main reason people like me is because I,

What do you guys have for the second question,

For the second sentence,

Sorry,

The main reason people like me is because I,

I see and hear them,

I hold space for them,

Seem easygoing,

Helpful and kind,

Can be funny,

Kind,

Funny and interesting,

Say yes to everyone,

Care enough and give generosity of myself,

Do what they want,

I don't know why,

I'm kind,

I'm compassionate and emotionally safe,

I'm authentic,

I am friendly,

Kind,

Understandable,

Listen and help,

I am helpful and funny and a good listener.

Amazing.

Show up for them,

Follow through and take care of responsibilities,

Joyful and wise,

Don't say no,

Funny,

Reliable,

Empathetic,

I'm willing to be raw,

Vulnerable and transparent,

Take time and really listen,

I'm not sure they do like me.

Amazing.

Thank you for sharing what came up,

Right?

It's just so beautiful and perfect,

It's what's needed.

Amazing.

I am kind,

Compassionate and respect to them and others.

Perfect.

So let's go to question number,

To the sentence number three,

And this one is,

Other people don't appreciate me how much I,

So other people don't appreciate how much I,

I feel and direct myself to be supportive of others,

How much I care,

How much I'm hurting,

How much I need help,

How much I sacrifice,

How hard I work on self-improvement,

I am trying to be there for them,

Take care of everything and everyone,

Think,

Plan,

Prepare,

I see the dysfunction and speak on it,

Go out,

I'm sensitive and harsh with myself,

Tolerate,

Look to the good side,

Do and take on,

Struggle in isolation with illness for seven years,

Take care of day-to-day stuff and keep things from falling apart,

Take care of the whole family,

Not just myself.

Yeah.

Energy I give.

Amazing.

There is so much information in here,

Guys.

I don't know if you can see,

But there is so much beautiful information here that you're going to be able to reflect about.

Thank you so much for sharing all those things.

So,

Let's go to number four.

Artem says,

My integrity.

Beautiful.

So,

The sentence number four was,

I always have to be the one who,

What do you have for number four?

I always have to be the one who is aware of others' needs and desires and tries to organize us to address them.

I always have to be the one who compromises,

Who reaches out first,

Who is right,

Who does the taxes,

Finances and cleans the toilet and other messy tasks,

Thinks of others and considerates all possibilities,

Has to understand others and explain things,

Does the hard work,

Be responsible,

Take care of everything,

Fixes everything,

Apologizes first,

Acknowledges when I was wrong,

Changes and tries to heal.

It's the same as number three,

Taking care of others,

Have to make the decisions,

Concedes,

Seeks to understand,

Goes to the other person first,

Speaks up,

Who needs to explain why I no longer participate in family functions.

Amazing.

So,

I always have to be the one who,

And you guys share a lot of beautiful things.

Okay,

And then the last one.

And then Lisa says,

Makes things better when things go wrong between myself and them.

I don't have an answer for this.

Sana,

That's okay.

Maybe you just need a little bit more of time and that's fine.

So,

Let's do number five.

Okay,

Number five was,

I have tried to be the kind of person who take responsibility or blame,

Who doesn't care,

Is thoughtful and kind and hears and tries to heal others,

Cares,

Everyone likes,

Is competitive,

Please everyone around,

Try their best,

Does the things no one else will do that need to get done,

Who flees in,

Is considerate,

Understanding,

Loving,

Caring,

Is helpful,

Honest and loyal,

Speaks up lovingly but firmly to be the voice for those who are oppressed,

Is normal,

Loving,

Lovable,

Same as three and four,

Take care of everyone else.

Yeah,

With this question,

Sometimes these sentences,

They will bring some extra context and sometimes you will find,

As you are finding Jenny,

That you always have the same thing.

Maybe that's what's present for you right now the most,

Right?

That's why,

That's what you can see and that's what you are aware of.

So,

It's perfect the way it is.

Take care of self,

Creative problem solving,

Is it going,

Responsible,

Getting huge insights from this.

Amazing,

Jenny.

So,

Again guys,

My invitation about this last exercise,

This was for you to discover what is the role self that you created when you were little and what are some of those behaviors that you still carry today,

Okay?

And this is a beautiful invitation for you to first become aware of your answers,

To read them,

To feel them.

It's very important to feel.

When you read your answer,

Just feel what's coming up for me when I read this.

Maybe sadness,

Maybe it's anger,

Maybe you feel judgmental,

Maybe you feel naive,

Maybe you feel,

I don't know,

Whatever comes up is beautiful and necessary.

And then from that place,

Really validate and acknowledge how you feel and then question it.

Ask yourself,

On each question,

Right?

Do I want to keep trying hard to be this or do I want to try hard to be something different?

You can question,

Why am I trying so hard to be this thing?

Where did I learn that from?

Why do I need to do that?

Is this a true need of mine?

Is this something that I truly want to do myself?

Or is this something that along the way I learned and I had to do,

But today it no longer belongs to me,

It no longer serves me in any way?

And then that's when you are going to start making conscious choices,

Okay?

That's when you are going to start from that conscious choice that you make,

You're going to start behaving differently.

But you have to rehearse,

You have to practice,

You have to remember,

Because you are creating a new persona.

I will say that most likely you are coming back to your true self,

The one that is buried,

The one that is underneath all these layers that we created,

To be safe,

To be loved,

To be seen,

To be protective,

Etc,

Etc.

Now we are uncovering those layers and slowly we are getting to the treasure that that's our true self,

That is underneath all of that.

It's very normal to feel scared,

It's very normal to feel very vulnerable doing that,

And you don't have to do that all at once,

And you don't have to show that to everybody.

This is work that is going to unfold at a different pace for each of you,

For each of you,

Okay?

But I hope that these two exercises help you start that digging process,

Start uncovering those layers,

And then now it is your choice.

What do you want to do with this new awareness?

How far do you want to go?

How can you get started in this journey in a way that feels good,

In a way that is not overwhelming,

In a way that you can maintain,

In a way that feels good to you now?

And hopefully you can reflect,

Hopefully you can discover what that is,

Because most likely it's been like I'm discovering things from my own life,

I'm almost 45 years old now,

And some of the things I learned when I was 3,

4,

5,

And I've been carrying them until now.

So I don't want to pretend that I will be able to do this work in 1,

2,

3,

4 years,

When I've been 40 years repeating,

Repeating,

Repeating,

Repeating.

So it just may take a little bit of time,

But at least you are becoming aware,

Okay?

So let me read some of the things.

So you feel sad,

Amy.

I was the only person in my family who spoke up about abuse and was gaslit.

Yeah,

It makes total sense that you feel that way,

And that's why most likely some of the things that you brought down,

They made sense at that time.

You needed that to stay safe.

You needed that to be accepted and loved in that environment.

Guys,

When we are little,

We don't have the choice,

Okay?

We didn't have the choice to choose our parents.

We didn't have the choice to choose our circumstances.

They were imposed on us.

So we all did the best we could.

We all created these things because that's the only thing we could create at that time.

But now it's different.

We are older,

We are wiser,

We have more capacity,

We have more tools,

We have more resources,

More support,

And hopefully we can start choosing something different and still feel safe.

But it's a nervous system.

It is a nervous system work,

Okay?

This work,

Like if you react to something from your nervous system,

This is not something that you are going to solve with your mind.

This is not something analytical.

This is something that you have to keep experiencing with your body slowly,

Okay?

Micro exposures.

And then your nervous system is going to keep cringing at that situation.

But softly,

When you keep repeating and repeating,

You keep exposing yourself to what you are afraid of,

But you know you want,

Then you are going to start creating that capacity.

So I love the quoting timer for today that says,

It takes half your life before you discover that life is a do-it-yourself project.

That's funny.

That's really interesting.

It's a lifetime's work.

This was great.

Thank you.

Love and light to all.

Yeah,

Thank you so much Marlene for being here.

Yeah,

Guys,

I hope that you got some answers for yourself,

Some new pieces that you can keep working through.

I don't know if you guys have any last questions before we go,

Anything that you would like to share,

Anything that you would like to ask.

As always,

Remember to be very As always,

Remember to be very compassionate with yourself and with others.

Remember that this knowledge sometimes can evoke things in us and it's okay.

I wrote the book just now.

Excited to add it to my library.

Amazing,

Marlene.

Did you tell us what book it is?

Yeah,

Jenny,

It's the book,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Okay.

Are you covering other books?

Well,

Iris,

Anytime I run into a book that I like and I put into practice into my life and I find value,

I normally share it.

I have last sessions,

I cover books on time management,

I cover books on organization,

I cover books on self-care.

And so this is a new book that I found on the library from the same author that is called Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Funnily enough,

Today I got it from the library.

So I thought I'm going to go and get it because maybe it is a good book to do a few sessions about because it follows the same,

It's from the same author.

So I will have a peek to it and I will see if I feel inspired.

I normally share what I feel inspired about,

Okay?

So I need to feel pleased doing it.

If not,

I won't do it.

That's my true honest answer.

Thank you,

Emilio,

For these power prompts.

Love your lives.

Thank you so much,

Al.

Thank you so much for your donation,

Key.

If you guys enjoyed this talk and you can support me with a donation,

I would really appreciate that and receive it with love.

Thank you,

Emilio,

For sharing this with us.

It helps me understand what motivates me,

But I'm not sure I can change it so very deeply indeed.

Yeah,

Well,

It's never too late to get started.

That's for sure.

But again,

It's a personal choice,

Okay?

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

While it is good to have compassion for others,

Give yourself the biggest ration of compassion.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Thank you,

Jess,

For your donation.

Thank you,

Rachel.

Are you familiar with Parts,

Work,

And IFS,

Internal Family Systems?

The book is No Bad Parts.

So,

Amy,

I am aware of Internal Family Systems.

Someone brought it to my attention,

But I have not read that book,

No Bad Parts.

So I will write it down.

Yeah,

Thank you so much for that recommendation.

Your sessions are very helpful.

Thank you so much,

Iris.

Thank you for sharing that.

It's an audio book,

Too,

No Bad Parts.

I will check it out,

Amy.

Thank you for the recommendation.

I will check it out,

Amy.

Thank you for the recommendation.

I will check it out,

Amy.

Thank you for the recommendation.

I will check it out,

Amy.

Thank you for the recommendation.

I will check it out,

Amy.

Thank you for the recommendation.

I have a pile of books I need to get through,

But I never say no to a good book.

So I don't know when I will be able to read it,

But it's on my list.

So,

Guys,

Thank you so much for being here today.

Thank you so much for your time.

Thank you for doing this really difficult work,

For looking at these things with me.

Thank you for trusting me to hold the space for you,

For all of you.

And I hope to see you next week.

Have an amazing weekend.

And I hope to see you in one of my courses,

If you can make it,

Or come to the circle that is called Your Thriving Lifestyle.

Okay?

Adios,

Guys.

Have a wonderful rest of your day.