Episode 5.
Habits formed to cope.
How we survive the mother wound.
Hello and welcome back.
I'm so glad you're here with me as we continue this journey of understanding and healing.
Today we're going to talk about something many high achieving women know all too well.
The habits we develop to cope with the mother wound.
These habits might have helped you to survive childhood and adolescence,
But now in adulthood they can sometimes hold you back or create new challenges.
Let's take a compassionate look at these coping strategies and how they connect to your high functioning anxiety and your confidence.
Let's begin by asking why do we develop these habits in the first place?
When your core emotional needs were not met,
Your inner child created ways to keep you safe.
Your brain and body learned patterns that told you,
If I do this,
I will be loved,
Accepted or at least safe.
Even if those patterns no longer serve you,
They're deeply familiar.
They're deeply rooted and they feel necessary because once upon a time they helped you survive what was difficult or painful.
Let's go over the four most common habits that emerge.
The first one is perfectionism and overachievement.
As a child,
You may have learned consciously or unconsciously that love and approval came when you excelled or you behaved perfectly.
Mistakes weren't just errors,
They felt like threats to connection.
You likely became the overachiever,
Always striving for ease,
Praise or success.
Being the good girl wasn't just about achievement.
It was your way of trying to feel seen,
Accepted and emotionally safe.
Over time,
Achievement became your armor,
Something that protected you from criticism,
But also kept you trapped in a cycle of exhaustion.
It made you feel worthy,
But never truly at ease.
This drive can feel both like a shield and a burden.
The second common habit is people pleasing and approval seeking.
You may have developed a keen sensitivity to the moods and needs of others.
A survival skill rooted in needing to stay emotionally safe.
You shaped yourself to fit what others needed and not necessarily what you felt.
Saying yes often became automatic,
Not because you wanted to,
But because saying no felt dangerous.
It felt like it might lead to conflict,
Rejection or disapproval.
Over time,
This habit can leave you burnt out,
Depleted and disconnected from your own needs.
You may struggle to know what you genuinely want or feel.
Because so much energy has gone into maintaining harmony and adjusting yourself to make others happy or to avoid conflict.
The third common habit is hyper independence and fear of dependence.
If your emotional needs were dismissed or met with punishment,
You may have internalized that relying on others was unsafe.
Independence became your way to avoid disappointment or shame.
While your independence may appear strong,
It can feel lonely.
It becomes hard to trust others,
To open up or to receive care,
Even when you deeply crave it.
Vulnerability feels like a threat,
Not a gift.
The fourth common habit is chronic self-doubt and imposter syndrome.
Despite your accomplishments,
There may be a lingering fear you're not truly capable.
That others have been fooled and one mistake is going to expose you.
You may carry a quiet sense of never feeling good enough,
That no amount of achievement seems to cure.
This inner critic drives a relentless need to overwork or overperform,
As if you're constantly trying to earn your place.
You may feel anxious that rest or slowing down will make you lose everything you've built.
It's an exhausting loop that slowly erodes your confidence.
Let's look at some examples just to put everything into context.
I've worked with women who tell me that they have a never-ending to-do list because if they stop,
The fear of failure or judgment kicks in.
Others describe how they spend hours preparing for a presentation,
Double-checking every detail to avoid the panic of feeling unprepared.
This also applies in their personal settings as well.
Say,
For example,
They're hosting a family event.
They will obsess over every single detail to make sure that everything is perfect because they don't want to be judged and they don't want to be criticized.
Some women will describe themselves as people-pleasers who can't remember the last time they said no,
Even when they felt exhausted.
All these coping habits are closely linked to high functioning anxiety.
If you grew up needing to perform to stay emotionally safe,
You will have internalized the message,
I must keep doing,
Achieving,
Controlling.
That drive masks the anxiety underneath.
At the same time,
These habits erode your confidence.
You feel dependent on external validation to feel worthy rather than trusting your own inner sense of value.
That's all quite a lot to take in.
So let's pause here for a few moments.
Take a deep breath in.
Hold it.
And then breathe out.
Let your shoulders drop and let your body relax.
I'm going to read out three questions and I want you to take your time and go through them.
And if you're not ready to answer them now,
That's fine.
You can just come back to them.
First question.
Which of these four habits feel familiar to me?
How do they serve me?
And how do they hold me back?
When did I first notice myself trying to do more or please more to feel safe?
As I mentioned,
There is no rush to change anything or do anything right now.
Just observe the answers with kindness.
As you become more aware of these patterns,
You open the door to new choices.
Choices that honor your needs and your well-being.
You can begin to practice saying no without fear.
You can start to trust yourself,
Not just others.
It takes time and patience,
But healing these habits is completely possible.
And it will be so worth it in the long run.
Thank you for sitting with these truths today.
Next time,
We'll explore how the mother wound shows up in your adult relationships,
Work,
And inner dialogue.
And how it impacts your confidence and anxiety every day.
Until then,
Be kind with yourself and celebrate the small steps you've already taken.
