Narcissists & Spiritual & Emotional Energy

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Bestselling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

So today we're going to be talking about narcissists and energy.

So in talking about narcissism and energy,

My hope is that those of you who are discovering that you're in some type of a toxic relationship dynamic,

Those of you who are wishing to end a relationship perhaps with someone who is either narcissistic for sure,

Someone who has a personality disorder,

Or someone who has high narcissistic traits,

If you're looking to end that relationship,

I wanted to have a session around the concept of energy for the purpose of allowing you to see things perhaps from a different angle,

Which might make things a little bit easier for you to understand.

When you are in a toxic relationship dynamic,

It is like your world becomes super small.

There are so many emotional things happening.

Your mind is being twisted by gaslighting.

There could be triangulation happening,

Which means that someone that you have trusted is now talking about you behind your back.

And make no mistake,

This is purposeful.

This is this person's agenda to sort of take out an emotional insurance policy.

And so while they in front of you might praise you,

Behind your back,

They're telling your friends,

Your mom and your dad that they're worried about you,

That they're afraid you're losing it.

So they're setting the stage.

They may lie and tell your best friend or coworkers that you have a drinking problem or that you don't eat properly,

You have an eating disorder or that you're making a lot of mistakes suddenly at home and they're concerned about your cognition.

And they're setting the stage for if and when you get tired of them or if and when you decide you no longer want to be with them.

They have already created this idea or this doubt in the minds of those that you care about that suggests that maybe there was something wrong with you.

So now when you go to them and you tell them about what the narcissist has put you through,

They don't believe you because the narcissist got to them first.

And that's the purpose of triangulation.

When you are in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you,

The ultimate gaslighting would be to make you sick and then to blame you for being sick.

So you find yourself feeling really ill,

Feeling run down,

Maybe depressed.

Maybe you're not aware yet that this relationship is causing true mental health issues with you like anxiety,

Like cognitive dissonance,

Like depression.

And you reach out to your partner and you say,

I think I need to go to the hospital or I think I need to go talk to someone.

And then they put you down because you need to go take care of yourself.

Why should I go with you?

You think I'm going to waste my time holding your hand.

It's your fault that you're depressed.

It's not my fault that you're depressed.

Why should I not go on vacation because you're upset?

There's something wrong with you.

That's why you're sick.

It's the ultimate gaslighting experience.

It's like gaslighting and steroids.

So they create the situation or definitely put it in play with gaslighting.

You start to experience physical symptoms and now they're hurting you more on top of it by blasting you and criticizing you and making you feel guilty for why you feel this way.

When you're dealing with this type of a person,

You are so emotionally overwhelmed.

You are trying to figure out what is really going on.

This person is 10 steps ahead of you.

They tell you that they need you to do these five things and you do the five things and they come up with 10 more things that they think you should do.

And you keep trying to chase this carrot.

Well,

If I do this for my husband or I do this for my wife or I do this for my son,

If I do this for my daughter,

Then they'll love me.

Then they'll be nice to me.

Then this harassment will end.

You do all of those things and still here comes another list of complaints and another list of wrongs.

And so the bar is always being moved.

So you have to really be careful of that.

As someone who has had her fair share of toxic relationships,

Someone who looks over her shoulder and routinely says,

What happened there?

How did I get there?

What was really going on?

Not because I want to point the finger as much as I want to identify what it was within me that caused me to not set a boundary or what was up with my thinking and my feeling that I didn't recognize that as gaslighting.

What was it about my tolerance level for nonsense that was so high that this just became my norm?

What was it about the way that I was thinking that made it impossible for me to recognize that I was unhappy?

I want to make sure that I'm asking myself those questions so I remain accountable,

That I remain conscious,

And I also avoid future toxic relationships across the board.

When we're talking about energy,

I think that it can cut through some of the muck and the mire and help us recognize what we need to do because essentially if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist,

Narcissists isn't going to change.

They are built to not change.

They are built to keep the ball in play.

They are built to keep the mask adhered to their face.

They're literally wired that way or built that way.

This idea that you are empathic and you see this person's wounds and if you love them enough and stand by them enough and change enough,

One day they're going to wake up and pat you on the back and say,

Yes,

You're good enough is an illusion.

That's not the way this works.

After much,

Much pain,

You hit rock bottom and you have some type of an emotional breakdown or you have what really is a spiritual awakening where you realize nothing is going to change this.

No matter how much I change,

No matter how many emotions I invest in this relationship,

This person's never going to be happy.

It's going to be Groundhog's Day for the rest of my life and you realize I'm done.

So now you want out.

While you're in it,

Very hard to see,

But when you look over your shoulder and you're aware of it,

It's important for you to take inventory of how it is that you got there.

Now one of the things that I've relied on in my life is understanding energy.

If you think about someone who is highly narcissistic,

We're thinking about someone who lacks energy.

Investigating someone or understanding someone whose energy comes from the outside.

So imagine that a narcissist is like an extension cord and they need to plug into someone or something or some experience to become energized.

So they aren't self-sustaining.

They can't regulate their emotions.

They need contrast from the outside.

They need you to react in a way,

Positive or negative,

Whether you admire the narcissist and tell her how beautiful she is and reinforce this idea that she's the most gorgeous person on the planet or you are afraid of this person and you will do everything that she wants you to do.

It matters not.

The key to remember is a narcissist wants something from their environment,

Which we call supply.

So now if you think about an extension cord,

An extension cord is nothing unless it can plug into something.

And so a narcissist lacks energy.

So when you think of it that way,

You have to see yourself as an energetic supply.

Now how does that help you?

It helps you because you recognize that your response to this narcissist is going to bring them back to life.

It's going to energize them.

Those of us who are somewhat healthy,

We look to energize ourselves.

So a super healthy person is someone who lives with intention.

They wake up in the morning,

They meditate,

They journal.

They have goals.

They set those goals.

They know that it's up to them to actually set those goals,

Meet those goals.

They fall off,

They get back up again and they keep going,

Moving towards those goals.

If you're super healthy,

Then you don't rely on others to make you happy.

If you want to get up and do something,

You get up and go.

Even if it's difficult for you to do it,

You know that your happiness isn't dependent upon other people.

You look to make things peaceful,

So harmony is your agenda.

You don't want to burn bridges.

You don't have to hang out with somebody,

But you don't have to poke the bear either.

So you're not looking to burn bridges.

You're not looking to poke bears.

You're not looking to be an antagonist in someone's life.

But if you need to set a boundary,

You're able to set a boundary and you're able to walk away.

Nothing wrong with that.

When you're a narcissist,

However,

You cannot get through life without admiration.

You cannot get through life without having people from the outside reinforce your grandiose perception of self.

Now narcissists have a perception of self.

If they think they are the smartest,

Most spiritual person in the room,

You can expect this person to criticize you at every move.

If you have a vulnerable moment and you share a hard time,

This person might jump all over you and ridicule you and tell you what you were doing wrong.

Even though they lack empathy,

Even though they're emotionally exploiting you,

The goal really is for you to recognize how this person monopolized on your vulnerability is judgmental,

Is persecuting you,

And is punitive.

That's a big red flag.

Now as long as you don't take what this person says personally,

This person has not been allowed to plug into you.

You are not giving them a reaction.

You are not responding to them.

Remember,

A narcissist wants you to respond.

So in that situation,

A narcissist either wants you to implode and feel bad and have you tell them,

Yes,

You're right.

I was wrong.

I should listen to you.

You're 100% right.

Oh my God,

You're the smartest person in the world.

How could I get through life without you?

What would I do without you?

If the narcissist has this perception of themselves that you need them,

Then that is the narrative.

That is the narrative that they will tell their friends.

That is the narrative that they will tell their coworkers that you need them.

Now that need that they think that you have is narcissistic supply.

If you're thinking about it in terms of energy on your side of the equation,

Dear one,

You want to make sure that you don't need them.

You want to make sure you're not reliant upon their validation.

You want to make sure that you're not turning yourself into a pretzel to please them.

You want to make sure that you're not violating your ethical code,

Your moral code.

It's not easy to pull yourself away from arguing with someone who is highly narcissistic because the natural response of your ego is to push someone back.

Or if you are still enthralled in the relationship,

You might find that outside of your conscious awareness that you've been trained to be afraid of this person.

You might cower.

You might seek their approval.

You might try to figure out how to please them.

You might really be so below the veil of consciousness that you are giving them your energy and you don't know that's why you're drained.

When I was in a very toxic relationship,

I was getting sicker and sicker and sicker and sicker physically,

Mentally and emotionally.

And my mental health was on the decline because I was experiencing tremendous anxiety and developing panic.

And I was terrified.

And it never really hit me that it was my relationship that was making me sick or more fairly it was the way that I related to the person in my life that was making me sick and that the way this person related to me was contributing to me getting sick.

I had no idea that I was being drained or that I was being used as a source of supply or that I was giving away all this energy and not realizing how it was depleting me mentally,

Emotionally and spiritually.

I was so used to not seeing myself.

I was so used to not looking within that sadly this was my norm.

I was on this path.

I had a mom who just gave and gave and gave to my dad.

I had a sister who gave and gave and gave and gave.

I had a brother who also had codependency.

Everywhere I looked,

I saw relationships with people that were pretty codependent where they really did,

The relationship itself really did serve one of the people,

Not both.

And it was always like there was one person that was in control and the other person was running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to please this one more narcissistic person.

But growing up when I was being programmed for relationships,

I didn't know that's what that was.

This was a norm for me to give and to not receive,

To serve,

To live a life of servitude.

That was the norm for me.

And after having three children and having a business,

I was depleted.

I was depleted so much that I was really on the decline.

And after my sister-in-law passed away,

I realized that women do die,

Young mothers do die.

It's possible that I could be eradicated from this earth and leave my babies behind.

And that's when I realized that I have to take control over my energy.

And certainly recognizing the value of starving anyone that was looking for a reaction from me,

Which meant that I needed to wrestle my ego.

I had to become the silent observer and observe what was happening to me on a psychological level when I came in front of an antagonist who liked to poke the bear.

Because let's face it,

The people in your life who are highly narcissistic,

The people in your life,

The uncles,

The aunts,

The friends,

The relatives,

The spouses,

Whatever,

There are certain people in your life that know how to get a rise out of you.

And so it was really mental training for me to identify these people first and then to decide no more.

You're not getting a rise out of me anymore.

That didn't mean that when I was alone,

I didn't kick a bucket across the kitchen floor or I didn't punch a pillow or two.

It just meant that I wasn't allowing narcissists who wanted my energy,

Which is in the form of a reaction,

Whether fear,

Sadness,

Grief,

Me losing my mind,

My admiration,

Whatever it was,

I began to understand my reaction in terms of energy.

And I thought,

If I stop allowing this person to plug into me,

If I stop allowing myself to give them a reaction energetically,

We are no longer a match.

Because where does an extension cord want to go?

An extension cord needs to be plugged into an outlet that's flowing energy.

I just decided I'm not going to be that source of energy for someone who is highly narcissistic anymore.

Now this takes great self-awareness.

This takes great self-accountability.

This creates an opportunity for you to be truly self-reliant because when you're breaking this cycle between someone who is narcissistic and you,

You were letting go of needing to please them.

You were letting go of needing to control how they see you,

Which is a trap,

Dear one.

A narcissist tells you who they want you to think they think they are.

So if they have a negative perception of you,

You're so selfish,

You're so anxious,

You're so manipulative,

You're narcissistic.

The more empathic you are and sometimes codependent you are,

The more you're going to try to convince this person that you're not those things.

That's a trap.

So it's super important that you allow people to have their faulty perceptions of you and you no longer spend your precious God-given breath on earth trying to convince someone who's only trying to hurt you and bring you down and drain you that you are not who they want you to believe they think you are.

I say,

Namaste.

You're allowed to think whatever you want of me.

I am no longer going to battle you or try to convince you.

I am not who you think I am.

In fact,

I'll go a step further.

I allow you to think whatever you want of me.

I honor whatever it is you think of me.

I am letting this go.

I am turning the cheek and I'm walking away.

When we learn,

Or if you try,

I'm only sharing what worked for me,

But if you try to use this philosophy with people,

You will win because you are no longer going to be giving people your energy that don't deserve it.

You are no longer giving your energy to a black hole that is just going to suck life force out of you anyway.

You are no longer allowing someone to enter into your life that only takes and doesn't know how to give.

Now if you spend enough time away from those types of people and those relationships and you don't jump into another relationship right away and you sustain yourself,

You fulfill yourself,

You start paying attention to the things that make you happy,

It's like you fill your aura up with all positive energy.

And now you have a new contrast.

Now it's like,

Wow,

I can take care of myself.

I'm not worried about what people think about me.

I'm working on me feeling good about myself.

You become a magnet for something that's far more healthy for you.

Now you're able to give and you're also able to receive.

You're now aware that relationships should be reciprocal.

They shouldn't be one way.

So I hope that you imagining relationships with narcissists in terms of energy help you figure out how to hold onto yourself so that you don't end up drained in toxic relationship dynamics.

Namaste everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.