Weaning Yourself Off Of Other People: Live An Empowered Life

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

So today,

We're going to be talking about weaning ourselves off of other people,

What it means to allow other people to come off our hook.

If we are referring to codependency,

We are talking about the willingness to disentangle ourselves from other people in a healthy way.

We're talking about internal boundaries.

We're talking about self-regulation.

We're talking about allowing ourselves to stop living on the edge of survival.

We're talking about taking a leap forward in human consciousness and living beyond animal consciousness.

This concept that humans,

For us to be fulfilled,

Have to stop living in survival consciousness.

We're talking about the ability to consciously,

More objectively,

Logically discern a truth threat from a non-threat.

For instance,

Not being invited to a backyard party by my sister is not a real threat.

It may feel like a threat.

It may activate Amy,

The amygdala,

And Harry,

The hippocampus.

It may knock my prefrontal lobe offline.

It may knock my cerebral cortex offline.

It may hinder my ability to be objective about what's happening in my nervous system so that I can remain more rational and logical and fair,

As well as non-codependent regarding what my sister decides to do,

What my brother decides to do,

What my neighbor decides to do,

What a coworker decides to do.

It's the space between my thoughts.

It's the foundation of all my work.

It's the ability to self-regulate and look within from a detached space of awareness,

This glorious space where I am the observer of everything.

I am no longer subject to the,

I would say,

The front view window of my wounded self,

My false self,

My ego self.

And please hear me,

That is not to say that our wounds are invalid.

I generally work with people who come from homes where alcoholism is prevalent,

Where addiction,

Narcissistic abuse by a mother,

A father,

A family member,

Children who have come from really homes full of lack,

And where they were taught that their emotions were insignificant,

That they should only operate from outside of their emotions.

And this disrupts their foundation of self.

Without a strong foundation,

You can't build a house.

A life is your house.

Adult experiences,

Consider them the floors of this house that you are able to build in your life,

Your career,

Your relationships with a partner,

Your relationship with coworkers,

Your relationship with friends,

With neighbors,

With your enemies,

Relationships with the earth,

Relationships with food,

Relationships with money,

Relationships with the oceans,

The relationship with the ethers,

With the cosmos,

With the inner and outer cosmos.

Without that foundation,

You can't explore all these other possibilities as an adult.

Your life stays small.

You operate from the ego self,

From the shadow self.

And please hear me,

That's not your fault.

The brain is designed for survival,

But no human being is ever going to be fully satisfied living in survival.

Somebody who has severe abandonment trauma,

Who fears rejection,

Who is on the lookout for rejection,

Someone who is hypervigilant,

Someone who has thin skin,

Someone who perceives everything and anything you say has you on their hook.

When they perceive you through the lens of the ego self,

You are an enemy,

Or you are a potential enemy.

You can spend decades with someone trying to help them,

Trying to be there for them.

And based on their mood,

Based on their intention for a conversation,

Can turn that conversation completely on its head.

You can enter a room with a family member,

A coworker,

Friend,

Someone you've known for decades as a friend,

And leave their enemy.

Based on what level of,

Think about their mind as a floor,

What level,

What floor are they on while having this conversation?

If you think about a building,

And you look out the building from the first floor,

You see one view.

You go to the second floor,

You see another view,

And so on,

And so on,

And so on,

And so on.

The higher you travel up this building,

The more expansive the view.

We tend to think that everyone views us the way we view them.

If we enter into a conversation willing to negotiate,

Willing to be humble,

We rather ignorantly sometimes,

Innocently ignorant,

Because I think that is a thing,

You can be innocently ignorant,

As it is the case when you're dealing with someone who's highly narcissistic.

You're bending over backwards,

You're really trying.

If I can only say it this way this time,

Maybe he'll hear me,

Maybe she'll hear me.

Okay,

Okay,

Okay,

That upset her,

I won't say that this way next time.

Constantly willing to bend,

Highly agreeable,

Which are two traits that will destroy you if you are in a relationship with someone who is not on the same level,

Or who sees you from the ground level,

Or the basement of their mind,

Where all their shadows reside.

We innocently and ignorantly think that because we're willing to negotiate and we're fair,

That the other person that we're dealing with is going to see us through that lens.

And certainly,

If we say something that offends them,

It's not on purpose.

But someone who doesn't understand that they're living in survival will generally treat you according to what level of consciousness they're at.

So it doesn't matter how kind you are,

How agreeable you are.

And if you think,

Falsely that is,

If your subconscious belief is,

They have to hear me.

I have to get through to them.

I have to save them.

I have to mother them.

Look what they're doing to their lives.

You are as much on their hook as they are on yours.

This is the crux of entanglement.

Dysfunctional families,

Everybody's on a hook.

If you think about,

Have you ever seen or think about the icon where there are four arms,

They form a square,

And everyone's interlocked.

It seems like a wonderful representative of support.

But when I see that,

I think it's okay.

It could represent support.

But when I see that,

I think of dysfunctional families where everyone's on everyone else's hook.

No one is allowed to move laterally outside of that four-arm-locked icon perception.

Mom isn't allowed to step back and detach,

Hold a child responsible.

A child isn't allowed to step back,

Be objective,

Hold mom responsible.

It's sort of like,

You ever see the ants that move all together or birds in the sky?

They all move together.

They all march to the same tune.

And what's really interesting is,

In a dysfunctional family,

Everyone's living in survival.

Because below the veil of consciousness,

Their brain has learned that it's not safe to be authentic.

And yet,

You're never going to be happy unless you step out of survival.

And so it's really important that we recognize that the brain is built for survival.

And part of what that means for us as human beings is,

We put people on the hook.

Because we don't know how to emotionally regulate if we come from a home that's dysfunctional.

Our sense of safety comes from other people's approval,

Making other people happy,

Anticipating other people's needs,

Not telling the truth.

In a dysfunctional home,

You're not allowed to speak.

You're not allowed to express.

You're not allowed to question.

You're not allowed to feel.

You're not allowed to be objective.

You're not allowed to play devil's advocate.

Dad throws a fit.

Mom acts like dad didn't throw a fit.

There's chaos for a few days,

A few weeks,

Or more.

When dad's done,

And could be vice versa,

Could mom too.

But when dad or mom are done,

Or a brother or a sister in the family that's struggling with an addiction,

When everybody's done with this big blow up,

We all put our heads down to the ground.

We pretend nothing happened,

Sweep it under the rug,

And it's business as normal.

Eventually,

When the person in the family that's causing this chaos decides so,

Everybody's stuck in survival.

Their greatest fear is coming out of denial,

And telling the truth,

And stepping away.

Everybody's on everybody else's hook.

So to wean ourselves off from this dynamic,

To stop making other people responsible for our sense of safety and control,

Means that we have to awaken.

It means that the idea that we need a new foundation for life that is logical,

That makes sense,

And the only thing that makes sense is self-reliance.

Because we cannot control what other people think,

What other people do.

The only way to develop self-efficacy,

Self-confidence,

Is to take back the reins.

And the only way I can do that is to allow people the right to think and feel what they want,

Right where they are.

So if I walk into a family meeting,

And dad says,

You know what,

Lisa,

Which he did,

I'm cutting you out of the will.

You know why I was going to be cut out of the will?

Because I challenged whether or not my father had the ability to care for my mother,

Who had two strokes,

Was suffering from dementia,

Was incontinent,

And was struggling with presumably multiple sclerosis.

Toll order for anyone.

It's a toll order for a certified nursing assistant or an RN.

I did not like the way my father was handling the situation,

Very easily frustrated,

And that's valid.

And because I questioned him,

I was threatened with being banished from the will.

And of course,

I didn't care.

That's the only card he had left.

I had learned to let go of my family as early as 12.

They don't see me.

They don't hear me.

So as early as 12,

I started pulling away from this family system.

However,

Emotionally,

I still needed and craved their approval,

Albeit subconsciously,

Until when my divorce happened.

And I realized that very negative things were being said about me behind my back by my family.

Assumptions were being made.

No one came to me and said,

What's going on?

Why would you want to live or leave this pretty little life with three little kids without a job,

Without alimony,

Without health insurance?

Why would you want to leave?

No one listened.

No one asked.

They just assumed.

And I was left alone again to empty a house with three little children,

To pack up their clothes and their toys and their furniture alone,

To move to a little house that was dilapidated,

To move all their things back into their house alone.

And it was during that time when I thought,

Wow,

Could I need family any more than I do now?

Probably not.

And I realized I've always been alone.

That this hook that I've had in my family to please see me,

To please hear me,

To make me feel that I am worthy of your love,

I just took it out.

I pulled it back.

I started taking care of myself.

I started nurturing myself.

I started caring what I thought about me.

I let them off the hook.

And there were times I was angry and I felt sorry for myself.

And I thought that was rightfully so.

A young mom,

Three little kids,

No job.

I was being stalked.

There was this situation where the ex would never reveal the personality,

The comments,

The body language,

The glares,

The snarls,

The intimidation tactics,

The gaslighting.

He would never reveal that to anyone but me and my kids.

And I started to accept that.

This incredible power of surrender allowed me to start reorganizing the foundation of my life,

Which was my mind.

So I began to wean myself off more and more and more and more of seeking other people's approval.

More and more and more and more.

My mind became more logical,

More reasonable about what is something that is realistically,

Can be a realistic expectation.

Can I realistically expect to please everyone all the time?

No.

Can I realistically please others and please myself all the time?

No.

The Bible says you can't serve two masters.

You can't serve two masters.

You can't serve joy and lack at the same time.

You have to choose.

And we're choosing all the time,

Albeit subconsciously.

When you live in survival and you think you need other people's approval,

You're not in joy,

You're in lack.

That's a form of tyranny.

And outside of consciousness,

We give our sense of self over to others willingly.

No one even asks for it.

We give our sense of self when we post selfies and we check for how many likes or how many comments we got.

I got a lot of likes according to the number that I think I should get.

I feel good.

And you know what happens in the human mind?

So let's say in order for you to feel good,

You put your makeup on,

You get real cute,

You get the lighting right,

Camera angle right,

You take a selfie.

Okay.

Why are you doing that?

Why do so many people take selfies and post them?

This is a form of seeking validation,

Especially if you're someone who is looking for the likes.

And then what happens to you one is because the human essence is expansive.

10 likes eventually isn't enough.

100 likes isn't enough.

1,

000 likes isn't enough.

It's because the natural essence of the human spirit is expansive.

We always want more.

The problem is,

What is it at the subconscious level that you want more of?

You are on the hook if you want more validation from the outside.

You are on the hook if you want more likes,

More approval,

More validation.

And that's the codependent side of things or the human side of things.

You're codependent if you have no sense of self and you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to gain the validation of friends,

To gain the validation from your mother,

From your father.

You walk on eggshells.

You live in denial.

You sacrifice your needs for the sake of others.

You feel responsible and guilty for how other people feel.

If you're narcissistic,

You are still hooked.

You're hooked because you can't survive without narcissistic supply.

And if you don't get it through adoration,

If you don't get it through ways of gaining other people's this idea that you can control how other people see you in a way that garners you ego gratification,

You're the best.

You're the smartest.

You're the prettiest.

You're the kindest.

You're the most altruistic.

You're the most giving.

You're the most.

You're the most.

You're the most.

If you don't get that,

Then you will resort to gaining narcissistic supply through power and control.

You will do harm.

And below the veil of consciousness,

Your ego defense mechanism is so strong because you're in,

You're in drenched in ego.

You will automatically,

By default,

Backwards rationalization rely on ego defense mechanisms.

And from,

From the first floor view or from the basement view,

Looking up,

You think you're right.

Your foundation is completely illogical when it comes to living a fulfilled life,

But you don't know it.

So we wean ourselves off from looking within,

From,

And through emotional detachment,

Through some serious existential questions.

Who am I?

What am I not?

If you don't know who you are,

Start with who you think you are.

You are not your roles or not your gender.

You are not your name.

You are not your social profiles.

You're not your career.

You're not the legs.

You try so hard to tone in the gym.

You're not the looks.

Other people give you or don't give you.

You're not your family table during the holidays.

You're not your relationships.

You're not how much money you have in the bank.

You're not where you live.

You're not your socioeconomic condition or situation.

Everything's in flux.

Everything's in flux.

Everything outside of you is in flux.

What you are is pure essence.

You are a human,

Part human,

But you're also a being,

Which means that what is being?

What is beingness?

It's essence.

So you are part physical,

But you are more essence.

Every atom in your being is 99.

9% space.

Meditate on that,

Dear one.

That will help you wean off of flawed human beings who are stumbling through life just like you and just like me.

We give our power over to other people all the time and we don't even realize it.

So if you're codependent,

If you come from a dysfunctional home,

If you just tend to be more agreeable,

If you have a real propensity,

And I think it's a flaw,

I think it's an Achilles heel,

To be liked,

Then you've got your hooks in other people.

And it's time to wean yourself off from those hooks that you have in other people.

It's time to look within.

It's time to question who and what you really are.

And it's time to take back the reins of your power.

It's time to make yourself happy and to learn to let go of needing other people's approval.

That does not mean you operate from ego and you hurt people because you don't care.

That's narcissism.

If you're doing this work and you want to know how well you're doing,

You will notice that as you progress in spiritual knowledge,

As you progress in emotional intelligence,

As you heal the wounds of the inner child,

You will notice that you move further and further down the scale towards doing no harm.

No harm to self in inner self-talk.

No harm to self with what you ingest in the body.

No harm to self with what you project out into the world.

You start to have much more compassion in your heart for all that is because you begin to understand you were never separate from all that is.

That was survival consciousness.

You will never be happy on the fringes of survival consciousness.

So it is my hope that if you're touched by this session,

That you really start pondering whether or not you're living in survival consciousness and that you make it your quest and you devote yourself into exploring the incredible rooms available to you in a highly organized,

Conscious mind.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time.