The other night,
I was taking a bath and noticed I was experiencing some physical pain.
As a way of caring for myself,
I brought my attention to where the pain was in my body,
Saying to it,
I'm here,
And asking,
What's wrong?
And then I paused and noticed my choice to use the word wrong.
It struck me how automatically my mind equates pain with something bad,
As if the presence of pain means something needs to be fixed.
I do believe that when we notice pain,
Whether physical or emotional,
It's signaling that something needs attention.
The existence of pain is an invitation for curiosity,
Care,
And sometimes action.
However,
Is it helpful for me to associate pain with something being wrong and needing to be fixed?
If that's my orientation,
Then every time I experience a painful emotion,
Like grief,
Loneliness,
Or anxiety,
My brain assumes that something is wrong with me.
So I return my attention to where the pain was in my body,
Allowing it to be there,
Paying gentle attention to the sensations as they shifted.
Mindfulness and action.
Then I notice my next thought.
If I do this,
If I allow my pain to be here,
And give it gentle,
Curious attention,
Then the pain will probably go away,
And I'll feel better.
Oof.
Thankfully I paused again,
Noticing that thought.
There my mind goes again,
Trying to fix what it thinks is wrong with me.
Thank you,
Mind.
I appreciate you trying to help me.
But is it helpful to think something is wrong with me?
I've had this same insight before many times,
Over many years.
I'm sure I'll struggle with it again.
It's so ingrained in us.
If we are in pain,
Something is wrong.
And for me,
That often extends to,
Something is wrong with me.
I need to be fixed.
So instead of asking my pain what's wrong,
I can say,
Hi,
I'm here.
Do you want to share anything with me?
What might you need?
How can I help?
And then listen,
With patience,
And without expectation.
I realize that even with this gentle invitation and intention,
My pain might not easily or quickly feel safe being with me,
Or sharing with me,
And opening up.
Because for so long,
I've been telling it that it's wrong,
And needs to be fixed.
So I want to apologize to my pain too.
I'm sorry I've been telling you that you're wrong.
I'm sorry I've been trying to fix you.
I'm here now.
You can be here too,
Just as you are.
I know it hurts.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
It might take some time for my pain to feel safe enough to simply be there,
And share what it needs.
So I'll do my best to be patient.
We all experience pain.
And we all can learn to be with it,
Our own and others,
With kind,
Gentle attention and curiosity.
Who knows if,
When,
Or how the pain might subside.
It would be nice if it did,
Right?
But in the meantime,
How do we find peace with what's here?
Instead of putting our effort into fixing our pain,
We can place that effort on caring for our pain,
Without expectations or attachment to the outcome.
Instead of feeling hopeful that our pain will be fixed,
We can feel hopeful in our capacity to be with ourselves in this journey.
To be with our pain in a loving way.
