When Your Brain Is Conditioned To Call Chaos ''Love"

If you grew up in emotional chaos,

If love came in the form of shouting,

Walking on eggshells,

Unpredictability,

Silent treatment,

Or sudden affection followed by withdrawal,

Then your nervous system may have been trained to believe that this is what love looks like and feels like.

That chaos is intimacy,

That volatility is passion,

And that if it's calm,

It must be fake.

My name is Martha Curtis,

I'm a psychotherapist and coach,

And I specialize in helping individuals recover from narcissistic abuse.

And today we are going to talk about how all of that chaos gets wired into your body and your brain and your beliefs,

And more importantly,

How you can begin to rewire it.

Because you deserve love that doesn't burn you just to keep you warm.

Let's begin with what so many people raised in dysfunctional or narcissistic environments carry into adult relationships,

And that is trauma bonds.

A trauma bond happens when the person who causes you emotional harm is also the one who gives you moments of relief or connection.

It's an intense push-pull dynamic,

And it literally conditions your brain to associate love with suffering.

Okay,

So how does that really look like?

You might be feeling addicted to someone who constantly hurts you.

Does that sound familiar?

Maybe you are interpreting anxiety and intensity as desire.

You might be going on a date and you feel really,

Really excited.

But remember,

Excitement,

It's not always positive.

Your brain can misinterpret a physical sensation as excitement,

Positive excitement.

While it's in truth,

It's anxiety.

Maybe you are also feeling bored or skeptical in calm,

Stable relationships.

And you might also believe that love should always be dramatic and difficult and all-consuming.

So I have to tell you the truth now.

What you experience as chemistry might,

Might just be your nervous system recognizing a familiar danger.

I know,

It sounds strange.

So let me explain to you what actually happens inside you on a chemical level.

Let's go into your biology.

So when you're in a volatile and unpredictable relationship,

Your brain becomes flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

And these are meant for short-term survival.

But when they are constantly activated,

They start to feel like your emotional baseline.

And then during brief moments of reconciliation or affection,

Your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin,

The cuddle hormones.

They are neurochemicals that are associated with reward and with bonding.

And here's what happens.

The cycle becomes addictive.

What you experience is fight or rupture,

Emotional chaos,

Reconciliation or soothing,

And emotional highs.

And your brain,

Especially if it was trained this way in childhood,

It starts confusing this high-stress,

High-reward cycle with love.

If you have ever felt more alive in toxic relationships and emotionally flat and healthy ones,

This may be why.

Because your system was trained to call intensity intimacy.

And there's also a very cultural problem.

Because we get exposed to this messaging,

We are constantly fed stories from books and films and songs telling us that the more dramatic it is,

The more they must love each other.

And people say things like,

Oh,

They fight all the time because they're just so passionate.

Or,

Oh,

He's jealous because he really,

Really cares.

He doesn't want to lose me.

Or another excuse is,

Well,

She's hot and cold because she's afraid of getting hurt.

You're making excuses for the other person right there.

No,

Often these are not signs of passion.

They're actually signs of emotional instability or and or unresolved trauma.

So let me break it down for you.

Passion is often confused with emotional volatility.

I'm not saying that passion doesn't exist.

It does exist.

But be curious about what it actually is that you are experiencing.

Attraction can often be confused with anxiety.

It doesn't have to be,

But it can,

Especially if you come from a volatile family of origin.

And desire can often be confused with a fear of abandonment.

Even more so when you have an anxious attachment style and the other person is avoidant.

So when you've only known relationships that spike your adrenaline,

Calm love might feel fake.

Or it might actually even feel threatening.

There is a standard people when they're dating seem to think that they have to abide by.

That chemistry thing,

For one.

So let me tell you what healthy love is not.

It's not constant butterflies.

It's not never knowing where you stand.

For example,

Oh,

Let's see.

Let's see what happens.

That's not love.

Needing to be good enough to avoid abandonment is also not healthy love.

And being emotionally exhausted after every interaction definitely is not healthy love.

But what healthy love is instead,

It's consistent.

It's emotionally regulated.

You both help each other regulate.

Not one regulating the other.

That's not healthy.

You both are emotionally regulated and you're regulating each other in a healthy way.

Healthy love is also respectful of your autonomy.

There are three aspects to each healthy relationship.

You and your own life,

Your own friends and interests,

Your partner and their own life and interests and friends,

Etc.

And then the third part is the relationship,

The we.

So it's the me,

You and us.

Healthy love also is supportive without being enmeshed.

And yes,

Sometimes it's boring,

But it's boring in the best and safest way possible.

And healthy love,

There are highs,

But they aren't so high.

And the lows,

They aren't so low.

You definitely don't lose yourself.

You grow back into yourself.

You actually do grow together.

You're also not growing into each other.

You grow as two individuals.

But alongside you,

Your relationship,

The us also grows.

So now you're probably wondering,

Okay,

Martha,

Then how am I going to rewire my brain and my body after decades of toxic relationships or growing up with toxic parents?

Well,

There are some key steps and those steps are actually backed by psychology and trauma-informed neuroscience.

And it's no surprise what I'm going to say here.

The first thing that comes is awareness.

You need to begin to notice your pattern,

But without judgment.

Don't be a critical parent voice to yourself.

You can ask yourself the following questions.

One,

Do I equate intensity with connection?

Sometimes it's hard to answer.

Two,

Do I feel uneasy when things are calm?

I wonder why.

And the third question,

Probably the hardest is,

Do I sabotage peace because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?

You might have lost complete trust and you wonder whether you're just sticking up for yourself.

You might be gaslighting yourself.

So that's why it's so difficult to answer the question,

Do I sabotage peace because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop?

But awareness at least gives you a choice.

Very important is the next step.

You have to learn to regulate your nervous system.

It must learn safety,

Not just intellectually,

But actually physically.

So there are a lot of things that you can actually do.

And there are grounding exercises.

You can start just feeling your feet,

Placing your hand on your heart,

Things like that.

Even touching a cold glass of water or pressing yourself into the surface you're sitting in to allow yourself to feel held.

You can also engage in somatic practices like slow movement or gentle breath work.

Of course,

There is trauma-informed therapy that I practice or EMDR and I highly recommend it if you have complex PTSD,

But please find someone who is familiar with complex PTSD,

Not just PTSD.

So shop around.

And then you need to learn to slow down before you are reacting.

You need to learn to pause in the moment you'd usually reach out to react.

And this can be very hard and don't expect from yourself to be able to do that straight away.

It takes a while.

Sometimes we can feel so hot-headed,

We don't think about pausing,

We're just reacting.

Those four things,

They can help you reduce that adrenaline-cortisol cycle and eventually it will increase your ability to tolerate emotional pace.

And yes,

You will have internalized most likely thoughts about love that come from either other people,

Past relationships,

Maybe even your parents' relationship the way they have modeled it to you.

Also TV and movies,

Books.

It's really important to replace those internalized messages with new truths,

Real truths.

Let me give you an example.

Sometimes you might be thinking,

Eh,

If it's calm,

It's not real.

So your new belief needs to be that calm is where love grows.

Another belief that so many people have is,

If they are not jealous,

They don't care.

But the truth is that real love respects freedom and trust.

Those new beliefs,

They take repetition and patience.

You're not just changing thoughts,

You are actually rewiring your emotional memory with that.

And choosing patience,

Respecting freedom and trust,

It might really challenge your patience.

And it can sometimes feel quite uncomfortable.

Just sit with it and trust it.

That doesn't mean just stay with whoever you are right now if you see red flags because you think maybe they are not red flags and you might be misunderstanding things.

Trust your intuition.

And what will follow is that you will re-choose different relationships,

Because oftentimes the people we choose,

They reflect our baseline of familiarity.

You will slowly start choosing people who feel emotionally safe,

Even if they don't trigger fireworks,

Because safety is the spark.

It's just quieter.

And please be prepared,

Because you might initially feel bored.

And sometimes it's yes,

Because the other person feels boring to you.

And that's all it is.

There's nothing else.

Doesn't have to be overanalyzed.

They might be really boring.

But sometimes it's actually not boredom.

It might be that your body is learning to relax.

And that's why I always recommend whether you are meeting new friends,

Whether you are going dating,

Take your time.

Take it slow.

And it would be great if you could note down the next four questions that I'm going to ask you.

The first one is,

What does love feel like in your body?

Is it tight or light or calm or chaotic?

Really connect with how love feels like in your body.

And next,

Ask yourself whether love was unpredictable when you were growing up.

What did your parents model to you with their relationship or whoever your caregivers were?

And how did they relate to you?

How did your parents show you love?

And the third question I have for you is,

Have I ever confused anxiety for chemistry?

Yes,

It might be difficult to answer.

Give yourself some time.

Maybe take a piece of paper,

Write these questions down,

Start writing.

And if you can think of anything,

Just stop and then come back a few days later or whenever you have a memory or a thought.

Certainly don't go through these questions very quickly.

And the last question,

Maybe this is the most difficult one,

Is what would it mean to experience peace without mistaking it for disconnection?

I'll repeat that for you.

What would it mean to experience peace without mistaking it for disconnection?

I really hope that these questions will open the door to your deeper healing.

Give yourself time to reflect on them.

Maybe discuss them with trusted friends.

I want you to know that if you have chased chaos,

If you have missed people who hurt you or pushed you away,

The ones who treated you well,

It doesn't mean you're broken.

Not at all.

It means your nervous system is wired for survival,

Not love.

And now you are choosing to change that.

And that's not weakness.

That is healing.

And if you have listened to my other talks,

You will have heard that before.

That's not weakness.

That is healing.

Why?

Because you deserve love that doesn't feel like survival.

A love that feels like coming home to yourself.

It may not come with fireworks,

But it will come with warmth,

With steadiness.

And very important,

It will come with space to breathe.

And one day,

When someone brings you peace instead of chaos,

You will recognize it not as boring,

But actually as beautiful.

I really hope that this talk has helped you reframe your experience.

If it has,

Please share that with someone who you care about.

We are all unlearning something.

And if you have thoughts,

Questions,

Or your own story to share,

I would love to hear from you.

Because this space is for real conversation,

For growing out of survival and into love.

Until next time.