Sangha Live: Embracing Our Wounds, Walking With Compassion

I know the last few weeks I had asked you guys to make a suggestion for what you would like the meditation to be.

And Sue,

Last week or two weeks ago,

You had recommended loving-kindness.

And much of our dialogue after the loving-kindness meditation really focused a lot on relationships,

Difficult people,

Difficult relationships.

Those are the ones we tend to talk about the most.

And then last week,

Philippa had recommended we do tonglen.

And when I had asked for some recommendations within the meditation,

Any groups that anyone wanted me to focus on,

There were some suggestions of difficult relationships,

People we're not getting along with,

People we're disagreeing with,

Political leaders.

So in this way,

Really using tonglen meditation,

Using compassion as a way to connect with others,

Compassion.

So loving-kindness,

That we connect on this basic understanding that we all want happiness.

We all want to feel loved.

We all want to feel accepted.

We all want to feel included.

And we forget that when we're having a challenge with a difficult person.

And with tonglen,

With compassion,

We're connecting also with that sense of we all know what it's like to suffer.

We all know what it's like to experience pain,

To feel frustrated,

To feel judged.

We all know what that is.

And there's a way of opening our hearts and connecting with those that we disagree with using compassion.

So I thought today we would maybe stay with this theme of difficult people because it is just something that is constantly coming up in our lives where we're having a lot of difficult relationships.

And the difficult relationships always pointing our attention outwards that the problem is out there.

The problem is because they said this.

The problem is because they did that.

And we do see that this is kind of stopping our progression on the spiritual path.

But we kind of think if I could just get rid of them,

Then I can get right back to the serious work of looking deeply within.

When in fact,

When we have difficult relationships,

It's really important for us to recognize that that is pointing us to where the work is,

That there's some work to be done within.

If we're getting triggered by other people,

Then it must mean there's something here that's getting touched.

An old wound,

A scab,

An old feeling of inadequacy,

Right?

There is something here that is getting triggered.

We keep thinking,

Well,

It's their fault.

They triggered me.

But if there was nothing here to be triggered,

We wouldn't be triggered.

And so on our path,

On a spiritual path,

On a Buddhist path,

Whichever path that you are taking here,

You know,

The end goal,

If you will,

Of enlightenment,

Of awakening,

Of seeing reality,

Of waking up from the illusion,

Does not mean that people are going to all of a sudden stop being unkind to us,

That people are going to stop being difficult.

We do,

Our ego has this little kind of ego view of enlightenment that,

No,

Everyone's just going to be nice to me.

Everyone's going to be kind.

Everyone's going to agree with me.

Of course,

Isn't that what enlightenment is?

And it's not because people are still going to be who they are.

It's just that there's nothing here getting triggered anymore because you did the work,

Because you did the first step of coming in,

Opening your heart,

Like we did with the loving kindness,

Like we did with the Tonglen,

That we do with many heart-opening meditations,

And investigating.

So through with our mindfulness practice,

Coming closer to our feelings,

Exploring what it is that's here,

Nurturing what it is that's here,

Which is what I want to do in today's meditation,

Is to come in through a different path,

Because we do need to have many tools to be able to access for these types of situations.

And while I do say a lot,

A lot about coming in and feeling our feelings and exploring what's here and investigating the hurt behind what someone said,

Nurturing that hurt,

The fear behind what someone has and you don't have,

Investigating the jealousy of someone else,

That feeling of there's not enough for me,

Because we need to be able to come in and feel these and to be able to explore the physical sensations in a nurturing and kind way that allows us to go deeper into them and to not fear them so much,

To not fear our emotions so much,

So that we can use our loving kindness,

We can use Tonglen,

We can use the Buddhist forgiveness prayer,

You know,

All of the tools that we have,

Self-compassion,

All of these things.

And in fact,

I would suggest in the meditation,

There'll probably be a leaning towards self-compassion in there at certain points.

But we also want to make sure that we can just come in and be with the feelings,

To feel the physical sensations that are here,

To be able to speak to ourselves in a way that is kind and nurturing,

And that doesn't strengthen the separate self,

But in fact,

Dissolves the separate self.

So really taking us deeper into what it is that's really here.

So just another angle for us.

So we'll do that for our meditation,

And I'm sure we'll have some dialogue about that afterwards.

And Brad,

Thank you so much for the donation.

And yeah,

So I just want to see Alice's.

You love the saying,

When someone throws salt,

It doesn't sting unless there's a wound.

Yeah.

I haven't heard that before.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Yeah,

There has to be a wound here.

And so we have to be taking care of it.

That's not for someone else to take care of.

That's for us to take care of.

But we get so caught up in thinking,

No,

They're the problem.

You know,

That it's,

If they just weren't in my life,

If they just weren't acting like a jerk,

I wouldn't be suffering.

But in fact,

We would,

Because it would just take someone else,

Because the wound is here.

It's just waiting for someone to come along and throw some salt on it.

Okay,

So let's go ahead and we'll do a 25-minute meditation on this,

A guided meditation,

And then we'll talk a little bit more afterwards.

We'll see where our conversation goes to.

Okay,

So just go ahead and find a comfortable position.

If you're sitting in a chair,

Uncross your legs.

Make sure your back is straight.

Gently close your eyes,

And we'll just take a couple of deep breaths to start.

Breathing in and out through your nose.

So really filling up on the inhale,

Opening up.

Taking a slight pause at the top,

And a long,

Slow exhale.

Really feeling that sense of letting go.

And just taking a couple of more really deep breaths,

Extending the abdomen,

Opening the chest,

Your shoulders,

And slowly exhaling.

Just feeling that peaceful release.

One more,

Your biggest inhale yet,

Really filling up,

Pausing,

And exhaling so slowly until all the air is out of your lungs.

And then let your breath flow naturally.

Just let it find its own rhythm.

And just relax your shoulders.

Soften your face.

Relax your arms,

And feel a sense of softening in your torso.

Really by just becoming aware of what's here in your torso,

Just that awareness alone tends to release a little tension.

And feel a sense of ease through your legs and your feet.

I'm just taking one more big,

Full body breath,

Just opening up,

Feeling it,

The breath going through every part of your body.

And then one big exhale,

Letting the whole body relax.

And bring your attention to your heart center,

In the center of your chest,

Just below your breastbone.

And imagining as if you're breathing in and out of your heart center,

Feeling that gentle opening on each inhale,

Softening on the exhale.

And ask yourself,

What is it that you want more than anything else in the world for yourself?

What is it that you want to know,

To intrinsically feel?

It might be the words inner peace,

Contentment,

Connection,

Belonging.

And I just offer those words as some suggestions,

Making sure that your answer is something that you want to feel,

Not something that is dependent upon something else on the outside.

We're coming right to the point here.

What is it that you want to know?

And hold your answer at your heart center for a few breaths,

Either seeing the word or the words written there at your heart center,

Or repeating the word,

Really connecting with what it is you want through this word,

This word that best describes what it is you want to know.

And then slowly let your answer dissolve into your heart center and take your attention of the breath,

To the whole breath in the body.

So expanding your awareness of your breath,

Without controlling or forcing your breath,

Feeling that gentle rhythm of the inhale and the exhale.

Any time your mind wanders,

Just gently bring it back to the breath.

It doesn't matter how many times the mind wanders.

What matters is that you just keep bringing it back so gently,

So kindly.

Now,

I want you to bring to mind a challenging relationship that's in your life,

Someone you're maybe having a disagreement with,

You're just having some difficulties communicating.

Maybe it's someone that's being unkind to you.

And if you don't have any difficult relationships at this particular moment in your life,

You can think of a relationship in the past,

Try to bring in those feelings that you were feeling at the time when you were frustrated,

When you were angry,

When you were just bothered by this person.

We do want to invoke the feelings.

It's okay.

And now bring your attention into your body to feel what it is that's here right now.

Feeling the physical sensations,

The pressure,

The tension,

The tightness,

The contraction.

And as you breathe in,

Imagine you are creating space for these sensations.

Moving closer towards them and welcoming what it is that's here.

If it's irritation,

If it's jealousy,

If it's just a general sense of resistance towards this person,

Just identifying what's here and silently saying to it,

Hello,

Jealousy.

Hello,

Resistance.

I see you're here and it's okay that you're here.

So our words identifying what's here and welcoming.

And as we breathe,

As we inhale,

Creating space for the feelings.

And on each exhale,

Softening around these sensations.

So we're working on the physical level with the feelings.

And also with the emotion of what it is that's here.

The emotions that we so normally distract ourselves from or push away.

But in this way,

We're saying,

Hello,

You're here.

Let me create some space for you.

Let me give you my full attention.

Let me open my heart to my anger,

To my fear,

To my hurt,

To whatever it is that's here that we open to it.

Instead of fearing it,

Instead of trying to push it down,

We're bringing it out.

Each inhale,

Opening and creating space.

Each exhale,

Softening.

And as we go deeper into exploring these emotions,

Asking our fear,

What is it that you fear?

What are you so afraid of?

Asking our irritation,

Why are you so bothered?

Tell me,

What can I do to help you?

To our hurt,

Tell me what's really going on here,

Hurt.

What is the wound that's being opened here?

As you ask these questions,

Remember to tend to the feelings as well,

The physical sensations,

Giving space to what's here.

Giving this sense of openness for whatever is buried below here to feel safe to come out.

You don't have to rush for an answer.

It will either come or we just stay with what's here.

The top-level fear or anger or frustration,

Just nurturing,

Acknowledging,

Giving our full attention to whatever it is that's here.

And I think for so many of us,

There's a deep wound buried within,

Not a fear of not being seen,

Of not being enough,

Of there not being enough left for us.

And in this sense of scarcity and unworthiness,

We get triggered in different ways,

In different relationships.

And it's okay because most of us are going through this.

It's a very common experience today.

What's not so common is inviting that hurt in,

Inviting that sense of,

Or the feeling of being excluded or being slighted in some way of not being heard,

And really opening our heart in a loving and kind way to the hurt itself.

Each breath opening and giving it space and softening,

Nurturing,

And finding those words,

Those loving words to say to our hurt,

To our fear,

To our frustration.

The words we need to hear and mostly what we need to hear that it's okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel whatever is here.

The safer we can feel with our emotions,

With our feelings,

The more we're able to pull back the veils to get to those deeper wounds that keep getting triggered again and again,

Where we keep blaming others for our problems instead of coming in and tending to our hurts,

To our wounds,

To our fears.

Holding space for what's here,

Being gentle,

Being tender,

Giving your full attention to whatever it is that you're feeling.

One of the kindest gifts you can give to yourself.

Can you notice that within this spaciousness and acceptance of what's here,

That you are feeling also a sense of peace,

Of connection,

Of contentment,

That whatever word you use to describe at the beginning of the meditation of what it is you most want,

Do you feel that sense as you open to what it is that hurts simply through the act of opening,

Of accepting,

Of loving what it is that's here?

Feel your breath moving through your body.

Feel the spaciousness within your breath,

The spaciousness within your body.

And maybe with some final words to our feelings,

To our emotions,

Just letting them know that it's okay that they're here and that we will make an effort to give our attention to them more often,

Healing instead of hurting,

Moving closer instead of pushing away,

Understanding instead of blaming.

We'll just rest here for a few more breaths before we end the meditation,

Savoring this feeling of calm and ease.

And when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Okay.

Hi,

Robbie and Emma and Selina.

Good to see you guys.

And Char,

I see you going across.

And Jessica,

Good to see you.

And Diane,

Good to see you.

Okay.

How did we do with the meditation?

If anything came up for anyone,

I am so glad you enjoyed it.

It is a big part of our path,

Learning to come in and feel our emotions and really accepting the hurt and these parts of us that we tend to want to push away because they don't seem so spiritual.

They don't seem as pleasant,

The parts of us that do have this sense of scarcity,

That's where the jealousy and the comparing comes from,

That the parts of us that don't feel worthy and they get so easily slighted.

If someone is disagreeing with us or talking over us or not giving us their attention.

And so while we're on this path,

It's not about saying,

Well,

I shouldn't feel these things anymore.

I'm so evolved now,

I shouldn't feel these things anymore.

It's recognizing these are parts of us.

These are parts of us that are arising through causes and conditions,

Arising through causes and conditions.

Not you,

But arising through causes and conditions.

And so the turning towards these feelings and emotions and really giving ourselves permission to say,

Yes,

It's okay to feel this.

Whatever you are feeling is a normal human emotion.

Whatever you are feeling is normal.

You know,

In Carl Jung's psychology where he talks about the shadows,

Right?

Those kind of parts of us that we don't want to acknowledge.

We have to learn to love those parts of us.

If you can't love those parts of you,

Understanding,

Again,

They are just causes and conditions.

The responses,

The wounds,

The hurts,

They are coming out of causes and conditions.

And if we can't learn to love those and create space for those feelings and emotions,

Then we will never progress on the spiritual path,

Because the self will always be wound up in that wounded me.

We'll never be able to see through the illusion of it.

So it's not about imagining that because you're doing loving kindness or you're doing tonglen or you're doing this meditation,

It's not about imagining,

Well,

I should never feel things anymore.

I should never feel any thoughts of judging,

Feelings of judging.

Oh,

Am I a bad person because I judge?

No.

Causes and conditions.

But the awareness now,

The mindfulness that comes in and says,

Ah,

Yes.

Not to be punitive towards myself because I judged,

But just to acknowledge,

Yeah,

Causes and conditions.

That's where the judging came from.

And there's something inside in the judging that's feeling left out,

That's feeling neglected,

That's feeling like there's not enough for me,

That we have such this sense of scarcity within us.

And then it comes out in all these different ways in judging and comparing,

In hatred,

In anger,

In irritation with others,

Right,

In all of these different ways.

And there's parts of us that are just through the causes and conditions of the culture that we live in,

In the West that most of us here have been brought up in,

This scarcity mindset that comes from it,

The fear,

There's not going to be enough for me.

And then this part of us that thinks,

Feels more unworthy because we even had the thought that we just want to push it away,

Instead of acknowledging,

Yeah,

That's a part of me.

You don't have to go post it on Facebook that you were judging.

It's just enough for you to know.

It's enough for you to know,

Ah,

Yeah.

Why was I judging that person over there?

There must be something inside here that's feeling left out.

That's not feeling whole.

What is it?

Let me get to it so I can tend to it.

Because the judging is taking my attention away from it.

It's like the wrapper and we don't get past the wrapper,

Right?

We don't get in to see what's underneath because we're just so focused on that instead of saying,

Oh,

There's something here.

Because when you're feeling good,

When you're feeling whole,

You're not judging others,

Right?

There's something that's hurt inside of us.

And it's not to turn around and judge ourselves,

But for us to really be able to come back in and nurture what's here,

What's going on.

And so in this way,

Opening the body to the physical sensations,

There's always a contraction.

There is always a contraction with it.

It never comes without a contraction.

So the separate self,

The ego,

It never comes without it.

So opening in those feelings for us,

The physically opening up,

Breathing in,

Giving space and acknowledging what's here and being able to say it and not fearing that,

Oh,

God,

Do I dare say that it's jealousy that's here?

Oh,

How unenlightened of me.

No,

If that's what's here,

That's what's here.

If judging is here,

That's what's here.

If worrying is here,

That's what's here.

If shame is here,

That's what's here.

If guilt is here,

That's what's here.

Oh,

My shame,

My shame,

My dear shame.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you've been neglected for so long.

I'm so sorry.

Let me give you my attention.

Let me give you some space.

Let me breathe into you,

Open up,

Right?

Give you space.

I've been making you hide for way too long.

And you need some love.

You need some attention.

You need my attention.

So it really is a way of helping us to come in to really getting into the root problem here.

If there's,

If our sense of self,

If there are wounds in the separate self,

In our sense of who we think we are,

It will keep driving the car,

Because we'll keep getting triggered.

We'll keep blaming others.

We'll keep blaming ourselves.

It doesn't lead.

In this way,

It doesn't lead us to freedom,

To peace.

It keeps us trapped in our suffering.

And so to do the exact opposite of what we think we should be doing,

Coming closer,

Acknowledging it,

Giving us our attention,

Not fearing it,

And every time you do that,

Every time you tend to what's hurting you,

Every time you peel back those layers and you get a little deeper,

Oh,

I didn't know that was in there too.

Didn't even know there was this little girl in there that felt left out on the playground.

My God,

How long has she been there?

Every time you keep peeling back and you keep tending and loving and accepting,

You are practicing compassion,

Because you are practicing compassion for yourself.

And you're more accepting of others,

Less judgmental of others,

And less judgmental of yourself.

There's a lot of healing that needs to be done.

And what I've,

You know,

Self-compassion,

You know,

Just talking kindly to ourselves as we're kind of on the go,

Right?

Yeah,

We don't really have a lot of time,

But,

You know,

We can just kind of talk kindly to ourselves,

Do a little petting,

Right?

The further up we go,

The more intimate it is,

Right?

Just kind of,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

Man,

That was,

You really put your foot in your mouth back there,

Didn't you?

Oh,

Okay,

Let's,

You know,

Maybe you got to keep going.

But when you can,

When you can acknowledge,

Yeah,

There was something that happened earlier today,

And so now I need to bring it back out,

And I need to give it the attention that it needs.

So really just understanding that,

Even with the self-compassion,

There's,

It kind of keeps us going in that moment.

But I find we really,

We've got to keep getting deeper and deeper into what it is that's here.

They will keep coming up.

Otherwise,

It's just like on a garden,

Like we're pulling out the tops of the weeds,

We're not getting to the roots.

We've got to get to the roots.

So Ruth,

I'm glad to hear that this was reassuring for you to hear this,

That it's safe,

That it's not just safe,

It's healthy.

It's healthy to feel our emotions.

If there is something,

Of course,

That is very traumatic,

And it's so overwhelming for you that you can't do this on your own,

Then absolutely explore,

You know,

Working with a therapist,

Right?

Having someone,

Some professional there to help guide you,

To help support you through it.

So if it's very deeply traumatic,

It might be something you need to do with someone else.

If it's the little,

And I just call like the little t traumas that most of us are walking around the world with,

We can start with little ones.

You can start with little things that bother you.

Every time you're tending to anything,

Even just that little irritation with someone or that,

Because someone cut you off and you just felt a little bit slighted,

Right?

There's not a long history with them.

You know,

Do this work with them,

Right?

Bringing the situation to mind first with whatever the situation was to evoke the feeling,

And then to come in and feel it and talk to it and give it your attention and love it.

Accept it.

It's part of who you are.

And this,

You know,

A lot of our hurt,

Our hurt either,

Hurt can either go on to hurt other people,

Or we can use our hurt,

We can use our suffering to transform it into compassion.

So I think transforming it into compassion,

Far less painful.

It's actually far less painful to accept our emotions,

To bring kindness and openness to our emotions than it is to let them continue to trigger us and not just hurt us,

But often hurt other people.

Because I think people hurting other people,

A lot of the times they're triggered from previous wounds as well.

And it just continues on.

So it's somewhere we want to break the cycle.

You're all here doing the work.

So it's like,

Okay,

Let's break the cycle.

So start small,

Know where you're at with this practice.

If you're new to this,

Just start with little things.

Just start with little things.

And just build your way up.

But I would really encourage this to be a part of your practice.

The peace or whatever your answer was in the meditation to what it is you most want,

Peace,

Contentment,

Belonging,

Connection,

Love,

Not romantic love,

Universal love,

Whatever it is you want,

If you want that,

In order to know that,

We have to tend to the wounds.

We have to tend to the wounds.

Okay,

I'll just go back and see a couple comments here.

Hi,

Char.

Oh,

I'm really glad,

Paula,

That that worked,

Because I remember last week,

You struggled a little bit with the Tonglen.

And so I'm really glad that this was a way for you to come in.

And I think also just an important lesson for us to remember as well,

Just because one practice is a little bit difficult,

And it isn't that I would say,

Don't ever come back to Tonglen.

But it's sometimes just important for us to recognize,

Like,

Yeah,

That was just a little bit hard.

But there's so many practices,

So many practices,

That we can find one that works for us.

Oh,

Kathy,

I'm going to go to yours here.

You're going through a very difficult period in your life.

Oh,

Your marriage is breaking up,

And you're about to move out soon.

You're struggling with self-compassion,

Feelings of guilt,

Grief,

And sadness.

I am so,

So sorry,

Kathy.

I can't imagine.

That is such a difficult place to be in right now.

And it's hard.

This is even harder when you're really like in the throes of what it is that's going on,

The uncertainty,

You said,

The guilt,

The grief,

The sadness.

So I just want to ask Kathy,

Because I think you were here for the meditation.

How did you go in the meditation?

Let me know that so we can kind of see where we can get you,

Bring you into this.

Tell me if there were any struggles in the meditation,

Or if you were able within the meditation to open up to what was here.

Okay,

So you allowed yourself to feel the emotions,

The physical symptoms in your stomach and your heart.

Okay.

So this is,

I mean,

This would be also what Alice is going through,

Like,

Robbie,

Like you were commenting,

Like,

This is up there.

This is a really intense,

You know,

You are in this,

And you are in the intensity of this.

And so,

Of course,

You're probably going through a lot of it,

Just the feelings are arising.

And,

You know,

You don't have to invoke this,

They're coming up for you all the time.

As best you can,

Kathy,

As best you can,

Whatever it is that's arising,

You know,

As it's coming up in the,

You know,

We get that kind of,

With the breath,

It kind of catches on itself.

The tears,

The just the kind of wave of fear that might even be arising in it,

As best you can,

Allow it to be,

Allow that wave to come.

It's going to be difficult to feel.

I mean,

Even within this,

You know,

I'm not going to say,

This is a difficult period in your life,

You're going to have to go through some difficulties here.

And even just wrapping our head around that,

When we're going through a challenging time,

Even though I would still argue,

Not just argue,

But I would tell you just in my own experience,

Even when going through really difficult times,

If I'm not pushing back on what's happening,

I can still find a relative amount of peace in there.

Because typically,

We are just,

Oh,

I shouldn't be feeling this way.

Or,

Oh,

When am I going to feel good again?

You know,

I'm never going to be happy again.

We want to jump over it and we want to get to the,

No,

I just want to feel good again.

Instead of saying,

Nope,

This is a period of my life right now,

This is a period of time that I'm not going to feel good.

This is tough.

This is gut-wrenching.

And I need to be able to open up to what's here,

Not to jump over it,

But to keep practicing,

To keep having the strength,

Building up the strength,

To welcome all of my fears,

All of my doubt,

All of my guilt,

All of my grief,

All of my sadness,

All of my uncertainty about the future now.

You had one plan,

You know,

One way in your marriage,

And now it's like,

I don't know what's going to happen.

And all these different thoughts come flooding in,

And it becomes so overwhelming,

And it's like,

I don't know where to go.

Well,

That's not where we want to stay.

We definitely don't want to stay in all the thoughts,

Terrorizing ourselves,

Right?

It's already painful enough.

As best you can to come in and accept what's here and breathe into it.

It's okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel the guilt.

It's okay to feel the guilt.

It's okay,

Guilt,

That you're here.

It's okay.

It's okay,

Grief,

That you're here.

It's okay.

It's okay,

Sadness.

And as the wave,

Right,

We know how the,

You know,

Kind of maybe there's a little bit of a,

A little bit of fear being dialed back every time you,

You name what it is that you're feeling,

You are dialing back a little bit of the fear in your brain.

And so with each one,

You get a little bit,

Right,

You know,

Kind of dials back,

But then it kind of builds back up again.

Oh,

Okay.

It's okay.

You've just,

You've got to keep riding that wave.

Okay.

Ooh,

This one's really big.

Okay.

Okay.

It's okay to feel this.

It's okay to be with this.

Oh yeah,

Fear,

Man.

You are big right now,

Fear.

You are big.

Yeah,

I get it.

I get it.

I'm here with you,

Fear.

I'm here with you,

Right?

As best you can to talk to it in a way that you're acknowledging it,

Instead of letting it pull you over,

That you're able to stay with it in this moment.

Most of the fear is building up about what's going to happen in the future.

Mostly,

How am I going to feel about this?

How am I going to feel in the future?

Instead of how do I feel right now?

How can I be with what's here right now?

And even if it's,

You know,

I'm struggling with self-compassion,

Oh sweetheart,

With the struggle.

Okay.

It's okay.

You're here too.

It's okay.

Whatever you can,

As best you can label.

And it's okay.

You're here and it's okay.

And grief and sadness.

It's okay.

And just really coming into your body.

So when I'm moving my hands in and out like this,

What I'm expressing here is,

Again,

That breathing in,

Big breath,

Exhaling.

Being with what's here in this moment.

Being with what's here in this moment.

Because the mind has this tendency,

It wants to go out and start to stir up more,

Oh,

I'm so afraid,

So I want to find a solution.

I need to put everything in a nice little box.

So how can I do this?

Oh my God,

I need to think about how I'm going to feel in the future.

I need to think about where I'm going to live.

I need to think about all these things.

And it's in such a panic way that it starts dialing up,

Amping up the fear centers,

Amping up our stress.

And then along with it,

Amping up our guilt and our grief and our sadness.

And all the while,

All it's doing is distracting us from feeling what it is that's here.

Because whatever you are feeling in this moment is not nearly as terrifying as what your thoughts are telling you.

Whether they're going out in the future or pulling back into the past with the guilt about what I should have done differently.

And oh,

Why did I,

Oh,

And why,

If I'd only done this and if only that,

If only,

Right?

So the mind taking our pain and taking it to suffering instead of acknowledging,

I need to be with what's here.

I need to be with what's here.

What's here?

I mean,

You might even,

The mind just so clouded over in that moment,

You're like,

I can't even label it.

Okay,

Whatever it is that's here,

Unpleasant sensations,

It's okay.

And if you can do one breath,

It's okay that you're here.

It's okay.

And then another breath,

You can feel this.

You can be with this,

Kathy,

Right?

Talk to yourself,

Talking to yourself in the second or third person.

Oh,

You can be with this sweetheart.

You can be with this Kathy.

Not the first person,

Second or third person.

And talking to yourself,

Now just breathe,

Stay with this.

Feel this,

Be with what's here.

Because our emotions,

Like everything,

Are impermanent,

But the intensity,

You know,

It kind of comes up and then it crests and it comes back down again.

And there are little gaps in there that we often don't notice because we're so locked into the story of our guilt and what I should have done differently and our fear of what's going to happen in the future.

Instead of recognizing,

I am in no state,

No state to be thinking about the past because however I'm thinking about it is completely colored.

My perception of it is so colored because of my emotions,

Is so distorted because of my emotions.

And anything I'm thinking about the future is completely,

Completely distorted and is terrifying because I'm also,

I'm right now,

What I need is tenderness.

I can't find a solution to this in my thoughts,

But that's what we keep doing.

And that's where the feelings of guilt and grief and sadness,

They overwhelm us instead of just being with what's here.

So as best you can,

Kathy.

And,

You know,

I've never been married,

So I haven't gone through a divorce,

But I've gone through breakups and they are the worst.

And they are so painful.

And my heart goes out to you for this because it is so hard.

It's so difficult.

But you have the tools to use this for your practice,

To use these tools to help you turn and transform this suffering into compassion for yourself.

But it is going to hurt for a while.

It is going to hurt for a while.

And it's really about learning to be with that hurt,

Not trying to jump past it,

Not trying to think,

You know,

People say,

Oh,

You're strong,

You'll get over it.

It's like,

Just be with what's here.

Just be,

That's all you need to,

Just,

Okay,

What's here?

It doesn't matter.

I don't know when this is going to end.

I don't know when it's going to go away,

But whatever it is that's here,

That is my practice.

That's my practice.

Be with it.

Be,

You know,

To love my hurt,

My guilt,

My grief,

My sadness.

That is my practice.

You don't have to know anything else but that.

And I'm not suggesting,

I know there are some things that you need to be doing in the external,

But take care of this first because you will have these waves and you deal with what's here.

You're with your emotions,

You're with your feelings.

And then it's like,

Okay,

Okay.

Because they do have a beginning,

A middle,

And an end,

Right?

And then you have a little,

Oh,

Maybe you have a good cry.

You really let it out and let it out.

When the tears want to come,

Let the tears out.

Let the tears out.

We never want to hold back our tears.

They want to come out.

It's cathartic.

Let the tears out.

Really embrace the grief,

The guilt,

The sadness,

The feelings,

Not the fear associated with all those things,

Not the regret with those things,

But the feelings,

The physical sensations,

And giving your loving attention to them.

And then on the other side of that,

You really embrace it.

You're in the moment with what's here.

It does have its wave,

Right?

You let it go.

Oh,

Even overwhelming,

As you're saying.

Oh,

Here you are,

Overwhelming.

Okay,

Overwhelm.

You're here,

Too.

Got room for you,

Too,

Overwhelm.

You're okay.

You can be here,

Overwhelming,

Right?

In just identifying what it is in that moment and creating space for it,

It becomes less overwhelming,

Right?

The thoughts of the future,

What's going to happen?

The healing isn't in.

We're so convinced,

We're so convinced that I can,

If I can just figure out where I'm going to be in the future,

What the future is going to look like,

Then I'll be okay.

And this is what people do again and again when they go through difficult situations,

And they just keep scrambling and scrambling and scrambling in their mind,

Looking for a solution,

Distracting themselves from feeling what it is that's here.

And eventually,

Things kind of get sorted somehow in the external.

But they never tended to the hurt.

They never tended to the fear.

And it was made much more difficult.

So to really,

As best you can,

Yes,

The waves,

They come.

You know,

In those waves,

No planning in the waves,

No planning for the future in the waves.

Right?

You think you're grasping it at like kind of safety lines.

You're grasping it like you're drowning.

And you think in that drowning,

You think you're reaching for a life-saving vest or something.

There's nothing there.

In fact,

All you do is keep flailing even more.

You are not going to find a solution to this in your mind.

You're going to find the solution in the healing.

And then when that wave,

Because you were with it,

And you breathed,

And you felt it,

And you acknowledged what was here,

And you gave space for it to be here,

You didn't push it away.

You said,

It's okay.

Overwhelmed feelings,

You're here,

Okay.

As you catch your breath,

As the,

You know,

The tears come,

You know,

Out of your nose,

Like everything's kind of coming out.

It's a mess.

It's okay.

It's all here.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You're here.

It's okay.

You're allowed to be here.

It's okay.

And then it has that crest.

Oh.

And at the end,

Like,

Oh.

Move a little slowly if you can,

Because you've got to be very gentle with yourself right now.

Very gentle.

Very tender.

And as you,

You know,

Kind of move a little bit more slowly out of it,

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

You can do a little planning.

I need to look for an apartment,

Or I need to look for a roommate situation.

I need to consider,

You know,

I need to consider things.

And what I would suggest as far as that goes,

Too,

Have a pad and a pen.

Have a pad and a pen.

Always write things down.

Don't let your thoughts kind of swirl around.

Right.

And journal through this as well.

Journal through this as well.

That's another tool that can be incredibly helpful,

To get our feelings out,

To help us,

Again,

You know,

Kind of giving our attention to our feelings by journaling as well.

Yeah.

And so,

Just Kimmy,

You're saying you feel through the ways mindfulness and radical acceptance with much,

You know,

Yeah.

Always gets through with loving compassion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're welcome,

Kathy.

So,

Just do your best.

Do your best.

Do your best.

You know,

You're going to have moments where it's not going to go so well.

It's okay.

And that's okay.

Be gentle.

Be kind to yourself.

You know,

Okay.

Yes,

Sweetheart.

Okay.

You had a moment.

You got a little lost in it.

The fear got a little overwhelming.

It's going to.

There's going to be those times,

Too.

Right.

And the more kind and forgiving that you can be to yourself,

The more,

Okay,

But now I'm back.

Okay.

And I'm going to keep practicing being with it.

I'm going to keep trying.

And sometimes I'm going to be more effective than others.

And sometimes it's just going to be a little too much.

And just being kind to yourself as best you can,

As best you can.

You know,

I'm so sorry.

Life isn't always,

You know,

Rainbows and puppy dogs.

Life can be difficult sometimes,

But we don't have to make it more difficult.

And we can,

You know,

We can always,

Our practice is always here,

Guiding us back,

Guiding us back.

I mean,

I'm grateful because I know you've,

At least I've known you for a couple of years on here.

So you've been doing this practice for a while.

I'm not sure how many years before we met.

You have your practice.

This is your refuge.

So,

You know,

These are the times that really,

You know,

I'm so grateful with the situation I'm going through with my mom here,

That I have my practice.

I can't imagine having done this 30 years ago.

Doesn't mean it's always okay,

Right?

It's tough.

Life isn't always,

You know,

Blissful happiness.

Life can be tough,

But there's also a lot of meaning in those moments.

There's a lot of meaning.

It's just there's something else here,

Something more intimate.

And right now,

Kathy,

A greater intimacy with yourself,

A greater kindness towards yourself.

And lean on us as much as you need,

As much as you need,

Okay?

Okay.

Oh,

Thanks.

I'm so glad.

I'm sending you a big hug,

Kathy.

Big hug.

Okay.

I'm just going to go back.

Oh,

I just want to,

And I know there's some previous ones,

But Paul,

I want to go to yours here.

You feel the more you're trying to be authentic,

The more you rub up against people the wrong way.

I'm seen as judgmental and avoided.

It really feels like I'm in alignment,

But the reality is showing rejection.

The only safe place is isolating.

In my mind,

My thoughts and actions feel right,

But the reality doesn't match.

OMB,

You're saying that this resonates with you.

And I think someone else said,

Nancy,

You too.

I do think we have to be mindful of trying to be authentic,

And to make sure that what we're doing on the path,

And please,

Paul or B or Nancy,

Jump in if I'm on the wrong track with this.

Because as we walk a spiritual path,

We can kind of misperceive things along the way,

And end up being really annoying to others.

And then thinking we're being very authentic,

And no,

This is just,

I just want to read you a message here again,

That you're seen as judgmental and avoided.

Actually,

Let me just ask this,

And Paul or B or Nancy,

Before I go too far down this line of thought,

Is there any sense that in your being authentic,

Are you forgetting to have compassion for others of where they are?

Maybe others that aren't on a spiritual path,

And that perhaps are causing themselves a lot of suffering,

And yet they don't have the tools to be able to heal their suffering.

Is there any sense,

And I hope this is a safe place for us to all be honest here.

And if I'm just completely off,

And you just want to give me an example,

Please feel free.

But I know just,

I know I've seen this a lot.

I've seen it in myself,

Where we can become a little judgmental of others,

Because we think,

Oh,

They're still suffering,

They're still blaming that person,

They're still,

You know,

They're not,

They're so addicted to their phone,

Or they're still doing this.

And while we think we might be coming across as compassionate,

In fact,

We are coming across as a little judgmental.

Or even,

Even we're coming across to someone like we're,

When someone's really bothered by something.

And,

And we might be a little bit like,

Well,

Why are you getting so upset about it?

What's the big deal?

Like,

Kind of like,

Chill out,

Just relax.

And,

And not realizing we're not kind of meeting that person where they are in that moment.

And it can be really frustrating,

Are what we're what we're thinking as well.

I'm very equanimous,

I'm not bothered by this.

And,

And our response is actually causing more harm than good.

So let me know,

Is there anything along those lines?

And Bea,

You've jumped in,

So I'm gonna,

I'm gonna see your response here.

You have compassion and try to meet others where they are at,

But you end up being more observant and offer less to conversations.

This comes across as being standoffish.

Yeah,

So I think,

I think I'm a little bit on the right,

Right path here.

Um,

So when you're being observant,

People can pick up on our body language,

Just make sure that you really are like one heart to another.

Like if you're having compassion,

Someone's suffering,

And you know,

They're having a meltdown.

And while you wouldn't have that type of meltdown anymore,

You know what that feeling is like.

We all know what it's like,

Whether we've had one in public or not,

We all know what it's like to feel that frustrated,

That kind of helplessness.

And that while we're kind of not speaking as much,

But we're really feeling in our heart,

Like,

I know exactly how that feels.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Like that we're,

We're kind of doing our own little meditation while we're,

While we're there,

Being observant,

Making sure that our observing is not turning into judgment,

Making sure that we're really connecting and saying,

Yep,

That is so painful.

I am so sorry for what you're going through,

Because I think the more that you can do that,

The more you are able to see and find ways to be able to engage as well.

So you can offer more in the conversations.

I think there might be a little bit of the sense of this fear that if I say something,

It's going to come off the wrong way.

So I'm just going to try and stay back.

And I think like,

Absolutely,

It's better not to cause any extra harm with our mouth.

But there could be,

If we're coming across as being standoffish,

It's probably,

And be no judgment from me,

Because I have been there as well,

Where I've kind of just thought,

Oh,

I just need to not say anything.

And I don't even realize that I am being standoffish,

Right?

I,

You know,

I am being a little,

You know,

I'm not seeing that this person is hurting,

That this person is suffering right now.

Because if I'm really seeing someone that's suffering,

If I'm really relating and connecting to someone that's suffering,

There's a level of engagement,

Even if it's not so much verbally,

That it's even just a hand,

You know,

A hand that you just put on their shoulder,

Right?

Or there's just that sense of that you're not kind of like this,

Arms folded back,

But it's more like you're kind of leaning in and so I would just,

I would,

In that situation,

And Paul,

Are you still here,

Paul?

Please jump in as well.

Let me know if I'm kind of on the same path with this,

Or on the right track,

Sorry.

But this is,

Overall,

This can be really helpful for all of us,

Because there is kind of a little bit of an alienation period that we all go through as we're on this path.

We don't,

You know,

We kind of recognize someone's bad behavior,

Or where the conversation's going,

And there's this kind of sense of like,

Well,

I don't do that anymore,

And oh,

You know,

We just kind of clam up.

And there's not as much compassion as we think is coming across.

People pick up on it.

We can pick up on it.

We pick up on it.

We can,

I can,

You can,

Every one of us can tell when we're having a conversation with someone.

And we can even tell when the words are coming out of their mouth,

But they're not consistent with their body language,

That it doesn't feel genuine,

That it doesn't feel real.

And so,

Yes,

I mean,

I think the best thing if you,

You know,

Is to be a little more observant,

And you know,

Like,

You're not feeling it,

You're just be super honest with yourself.

Be so honest with yourself.

I'm not saying be that that is what you're doing.

But I know,

I know in the past,

I have done it.

I know I have done it.

I remember with my ex-boyfriend,

When we used to live together,

He's the partner I left to go to the monastery.

And,

And we were big kite surfers.

And so on the weekends,

You know,

It would always be about the wind alerts.

Where's the,

You know,

How much wind is there?

Should we go to the beach?

Should we go kiting?

And he would get so upset when there was no wind.

And he would be miserable.

And,

And this is when it did hit me when I realized I was doing this,

I'd probably been doing it for ages in so many places.

But I was just kind of like,

Okay,

There's no wind,

Like,

Let's just do something else.

Like,

Let's,

But probably in a little bit of a judging way that I was like,

Why are you getting so worked up?

There's no wind,

You know,

Let's just go to the anyway.

But it was,

In a way,

Like what I wasn't acknowledging his frustration that there was no wind.

Because if I was truly having compassion,

I had had times in the past,

Where I was frustrated because there was no wind,

And I wanted to go kite surfing.

And,

And I have to say,

If someone was being really in,

In fact,

What I was being was indifferent,

I wasn't being compassionate,

Compassionate,

I was being indifferent.

Instead of acknowledging this man that I love.

And he's really upset,

And he is worked up about this.

And he doesn't meditate,

And he doesn't practice mindfulness.

And he's really worked up.

And he doesn't,

You know,

The indifference that I'm showing to him is not helping.

It's not compassionate.

And I know what it's like,

Even if it's not with the kite surfing,

We all know what it's like when you know,

And I'm using a rather benign example here.

But if you know kite surfers,

And Sue who is on here does,

Because her husband kite surfs,

You know how worked up people can get about the wind.

It's like their whole life.

And,

And so to to acknowledge when someone is in that moment of suffering,

Like how can I meet them in their suffering,

Their suffering,

It doesn't matter what it's about.

It doesn't matter if it's kite surfing,

Or waiting.

I don't know for the internet to reload or something.

It doesn't matter what it is,

Someone's suffering.

And we all know what it's like to suffer.

We all know what that painful,

That helpless feeling is in that moment.

And that,

You know,

We just want to vent our frustration.

The last thing we want is someone being indifferent to our suffering.

We think we're being,

We think we're being equanimous.

And oh,

No,

It's not bothering me.

But I'm actually being indifferent to someone else's suffering.

And so it's good for us to reflect on that,

Like,

How are we,

Just because we're not getting worked up about things anymore,

Other people are still going to get worked up about them.

And our practice is there to remind us to practice compassion.

To practice compassion.

They're suffering,

It doesn't matter what they're saying,

Could be the most stupidest mundane thing in the world.

And you think this is why are we getting worked up about this,

They are suffering.

Where is our compassion in that moment,

And the more that you can just practice,

Like,

Even at that very first,

Like,

I know what it's like to suffer.

Every one of us is here.

Because we know what it is like to suffer.

We're not here because we didn't suffer.

We're here because we suffered,

We are suffering,

And we look for,

We are looking for a better path.

We're looking for a path out of our suffering.

So we know what this is.

So for us,

When we're in that situation,

The first reaction typically is judging.

It typically is.

It's so,

It's so sneaky,

The ego,

The separate self,

Like,

Oh,

They're still doing that?

I don't do that.

I don't get worked up about that anymore.

And we don't even realize that we're doing it.

We don't even realize it.

And so to,

If you can just as best you can to see their pain,

Not the content,

Not what it is that they're focused on,

But their pain,

And to remember that you too know what this pain is like.

You too have suffered in this way,

And how helpless it feels in that moment.

And what you don't want is someone's indifference in that situation.

What you want is someone's compassion.

And if you can really try and feel that,

If you can connect into their pain,

And again,

That's why we do compassion practices like Tonglen,

So that we're able to see another person's pain,

That we're not shrinking away from it,

That we're able to see it.

And in Tonglen,

We imagine we're taking it on,

Transforming it,

And sending them back healing,

Right?

I'm taking on your frustration,

I'm taking on your shame,

And I'm sending back acceptance.

I'm taking on your sorrow,

And I'm sending back warmth,

Right?

That we keep imagining that we're taking these things on and,

You know,

Bringing them in and sending out healing,

Kindness,

Understanding,

Acceptance,

Love,

Right?

So,

In the compassion meditations,

We're practicing,

We're working out that muscle.

I can see your pain,

And I don't have to shrink away from it.

And if I can acknowledge it here,

The moment I can acknowledge that you are suffering,

And that I know what that suffering is like,

I have just broken down that wall of separation between you and me.

And I may not have the words at that moment,

But I probably have a hand that I can put on their shoulder,

Right?

Or that I can even say,

Man,

I don't know,

I don't have the words right now,

I'm just so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I gotta tell you,

I find,

Don't ever be afraid to tell someone who's suffering,

I'm so sorry,

I don't know what to say right now.

That is such an acknowledgement of like what you're going through.

Without having to come up with the right words,

Just,

I just don't know what it is that you're going through.

Or sorry,

I don't know what it is,

Sorry.

I'm so sorry,

I don't know what to say right now.

But I'm here.

I'm here.

So just,

You know,

Really practicing with that.

And so B,

You're saying you're trying not to absorb their pain while being compassionate.

Does that make you indifferent?

So you,

That's such a good question.

We don't want to,

When we're with someone who is suffering and in pain,

We want to fully be there with them in their pain,

In that moment.

We want to fully be there with them.

Tears are flying,

Tears are flying.

We want to feel their grief,

We want to be with it.

Compassion is 100% being there with someone's pain and suffering in that moment.

And when you leave,

When the conversation is over,

Letting it go.

Letting it go.

It's the practice,

This again,

Why in the meditations we're doing this,

We're practicing not when we're with the person,

But we're practicing taking on pain and suffering or acknowledging someone's pain and suffering,

And doing it in the meditation so that it doesn't stick to us.

I can do this,

I can look at a homeless person in my meditation,

And I can imagine taking on their fears and their worries and their grief and their loneliness and sending them back love and peace and warmth and support.

I can imagine this in the meditation.

And because they're not here with me,

I can do it in a way and being guided in a way that it doesn't stay with me.

Ah,

So the spaciousness returns again.

So now when I'm out and about and I see the homeless person,

I see the homeless person I've practiced really fully being there,

Seeing in their eyes the fear,

My God,

The feeling of not being human because so many people won't look at you in the eye,

Really feeling it in the meditation,

Like really feeling it.

So now I can really look at you.

And man,

How must that feel to have people walk by you and not acknowledge you as a real human being.

And I can look at you and really feel that and have that feeling of my heart quiver.

And I can just acknowledge you.

I can give you a few quarters if I have that,

Right?

Ask,

Do you want a sandwich?

Can I go get you something?

If you can,

If you have that,

You know,

There's something nearby,

A restaurant or something,

Right?

Or if it's just acknowledging them.

And then as you continue down the street,

Breathing in and letting it go.

Because if we can't be there fully 100% for someone's pain,

That's,

You know,

Compassion should not be held at arm's length.

That's not compassion.

That's resist,

That's,

Oh,

I'm afraid that this is going to overwhelm me.

And this is why so many people have a hard time being with people that are suffering,

Because it's the fear that this is going to overwhelm me.

And I'm going to have to take this with me for the rest of the day.

And I can't take on anyone else's suffering because I can't even handle my own.

It is complicated,

Or actually,

It's not as complicated when you're doing the practice,

When you're doing the practice.

And that's why we have the practices.

And B,

I know you've been on a lot of my classes.

I don't know if you did the,

The Tonglen live that we did a year ago.

It was a full workshop with Tonglen and it's on my teacher's page.

I would absolutely recommend going back and doing that.

Even if you,

If you were there,

Go back and do it again.

Because I do see there's a little bit,

It was a great question in there.

And this is where a lot of people get confused with compassion because the idea is that we're not,

We're not,

We're not taking on their suffering as our own.

We're not carrying it with us.

Right?

But when we're there with them,

We're in it.

We're in it.

Because otherwise,

If we hold,

If we're holding any part of it at bay,

We can't be there.

But typically we're with someone in their pain and we're like,

Oh,

This is so uncomfortable.

And I don't know what to do with this.

And oh my God,

If I get too close,

I'm going to feel this later.

And this is going to be so painful.

Instead of fully opening to it in that moment,

Knowing,

Knowing because you've done the compassion practices on your own,

In your meditation,

That you know,

Okay,

I can be,

I can open up to this.

I can be here with this.

Because then when I walk away,

I know I don't have to take this with me because I was fully there with them in their pain and suffering.

And every time,

If we're not able to,

When we're no longer with the person,

If we're not able to release it there,

Of course,

We have no capacity to open our hearts for anything else,

For ourselves,

For the next homeless person that we see,

For the next person that's suffering.

So that is the point,

Is being able to open our hearts fully in the present moment.

Be with the suffering,

Feel it.

Be there with them.

You don't have to say anything.

Sometimes,

In fact,

The most beautiful thing is just silence.

But a gentle hand on their hand,

Or again,

On their shoulder,

On their back,

That you're here.

Just even being able to have the space for them to cry,

To say the words that they need to say,

And just to give them the space to be able to say it with your heart being open without the fear of what they're saying.

Because again,

People pick up on that,

Oh,

Thank you,

You know,

That you just let them say what they needed to say.

You didn't have to have the right words to say back.

Sometimes that's not it,

It's just being there,

Just having someone there.

And after it's done,

And I'm not saying we walk out the door and it all of a sudden is completely gone,

Particularly a close friend,

You're there with them,

But that you're breathing mindfully,

You're breathing into your heart.

Yeah.

Staying present,

Because now,

You know,

You're staying with the remnants of the feelings that is there,

That are there,

The remnant of the feelings that are there,

Because it might've been really intense.

And so breathing mindfully into what's here,

Using the practice that we just did.

A little bit of fear here,

Being wise to acknowledge it.

If it's like,

Yeah,

It feels a little overwhelming.

Okay.

It's okay that you're here.

Being with what's here in the present moment,

So that it moves through us.

Because we always want to make sure that we can be fully with someone's grief,

But we don't want to take it on as our own.

So Paul,

You're saying when you bring up suffering,

The rejection comes from people who are unwilling to acknowledge.

Thank you for pointing it out just that way,

In case I didn't make this clear.

We would not say to someone else that they're suffering and I acknowledge you're suffering.

In fact,

Most people,

When they hear the word suffering,

Are like,

What are you talking about?

I'm not suffering.

I'm just angry.

There's no wind.

Right?

They wouldn't even use that word.

I mean,

They would if they're really in despair.

But it's not about bringing up their suffering.

And again,

Please feel free,

Paul,

Where this does make it a little bit difficult that we can't just be having a back and forth dialogue.

If you want to give me an explicit example,

I'm happy to look at that.

But I wouldn't say,

And I'll just go back to the example with Christian and the wind,

Because first of all,

I would never have said to him,

Oh,

You're suffering.

I feel you're suffering.

I feel your pain.

No,

That's for me to acknowledge,

Ah,

He's suffering.

And I know what it's like to suffer.

And so pointing out someone's suffering and is not throwing them a lifeline when they're drowning,

It's throwing them an anvil.

We've got to meet people where they are.

And sometimes,

And this is again hard,

Because I get like you're coming from a place of wanting to relieve someone's suffering,

Right?

But we have to understand that,

You know,

It's not our job to relieve someone's suffering.

And sometimes,

If we're thinking that,

That by pointing it out,

We're actually causing more harm than helping them.

And there's a beautiful teaching called right gift,

Right time.

So,

Hi,

Monica,

Good to see you.

You know,

Right gift at the right time,

What is the gift that they need in this moment?

Usually,

In the midst of someone's suffering,

It's not the right time,

Right?

It's probably something to bring up with later.

But what they need is just our understanding.

What they need,

When someone's suffering is just someone to be there and to hear their suffering,

They,

Especially when you're saying someone that's not acknowledging it.

You know,

They want to blame someone else.

They want to create this big story around why they're in so much pain.

And I wouldn't buy into the story.

But I would buy into them like,

Oh,

Man,

I'm so sorry.

That sucks.

It sucks.

It does suck.

Like,

You know what?

It sucks.

Like,

What I'm saying sucks is the suffering.

The suffering sucks,

Right?

So that you can meet them where they are,

Right?

While the right gift might be about impermanence or no separate self or feeling your emotions,

Acknowledging suffering,

It's probably a lot of the time,

It's just not the right time.

So,

It's not the right gift to give to someone.

The right gift might just be,

They need a friend,

They're suffering,

They're drowning.

They just need a friend.

And even if you have to kind of go along for a little bit with whatever they're saying,

Like,

Maybe it's just,

You just kind of have to go along like you're not really believing it,

But you're just like,

Man,

They just,

They need some help.

They need some help.

So,

You're saying it's hard to explain with a text,

Yeah.

But as an example,

Rejection from a third party for acknowledging your partner's suffering for being no wind.

So,

A third person is rejecting me.

I'm trying to put this in my situation with Christian and the wind.

So,

A third party for acknowledging your party's suffering.

Sorry,

I just,

That's not really making sense.

I'm not entirely clear on that.

Maybe could you try one more time for me,

Paul?

But I will just,

If you can kind of give me a little bit closer example on that.

But just,

I think what I would kind of take away on this in general,

Kind of this thread that we've been talking about,

Don't try and teach others on the path,

If people aren't on this path.

I mean,

Your sangha members,

Absolutely,

You would use this language.

Monica and Bea are hanging out,

And you would talk about this in the language of freeing ourselves from suffering.

You would use this.

But with people that are not on a path,

So to speak,

Don't try to proselytize,

Particularly if you are Buddhist.

Buddhism is not a proselytizing path.

And,

You know,

It ends up causing a lot more harm than it does connection.

But so to use,

Yeah,

So stop spreading the word.

Yeah,

You'll feel a lot happier.

Others will feel a lot happier,

Too.

And to try and bring more compassion and wisdom in.

Because I think this is a good place.

And Paul,

Again,

And I really mean this,

No judgment.

I have been there,

Too.

It's almost a rite of passage on the path that we all go through at some point.

We're so excited by it.

And it's brought us such relief.

And we think,

Oh,

My God,

I could share this with someone else.

That would be so great.

And I can see their suffering,

And I can point it out to them.

And I have just not seen it be successful.

It's just,

Or if so,

It's so minuscule.

It's just,

It's not worth it.

And in fact,

What I find really our path,

Again,

It's not about changing others.

And it's not about fixing others.

I think through example,

We do end up kind of helping in some ways that people just see that you're compassionate,

And that you're not judging them,

And that you're not trying to change them,

That you're not trying to control them.

That just because this is working for you,

That you're not trying to force it on someone else.

I think most people are much more open to it than an interested,

Because you didn't force it on them.

And it is a place for us to look at in our own path to say,

What is it in me that I'm uncomfortable around someone else's suffering,

That I feel the need to point it out to them,

Or to a third person or something,

Because where is my compassion?

And really,

All that would tell me,

I need to do more compassion practices.

Great.

I don't need to judge myself for it.

I just need to do some more compassion practices.

Part of my practice is not getting enough attention,

And it would be the compassion part.

So yeah,

Definitely try not to spread the word.

Okay,

So hang on,

You say,

For this situation,

I share my experience of seeing the suffering of Christian,

And the third party rejects the insight.

Ah,

Okay,

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay,

I do understand what you're saying now.

Okay.

Okay,

Thanks.

Sorry,

That took a while.

I would still put that under the spreading the word.

Why would you need to share that?

I mean,

If it's a close friend,

And you're trying to work it through,

And they don't get it,

And they reject it,

Then okay,

Okay.

Sorry,

I was just trying to share this.

I was not quite getting something,

And okay,

And you rejected it,

And they didn't see it that way.

Because again,

If they're not,

Again,

Let's say Paul,

You're with Monica,

And you're talking with Monica,

She's on this path.

She's probably going to go,

Oh yeah,

I can see the suffering too.

But we're using language,

And we're using understandings of the world that are not common to most people in our communities.

And so yeah,

So if this is,

So in your sangha,

Yeah,

Of course,

We speak the same language.

But with a third person,

If they're not on this path,

Yeah,

They probably would say,

I don't know what you're talking about,

And then reject it,

And then you feel bad.

And so you're like,

Oh,

You know,

I tried to share.

It didn't work.

I'm feeling rejected.

And so just to acknowledge from that,

Like,

Yeah,

I tried to share.

I thought it was being helpful.

Maybe it wasn't as helpful,

So let me try a different way.

Not to beat yourself up,

Not to judge yourself,

But just to still,

I would still take away from this,

Unless it is your sangha,

Unless it is,

And it don't have to be like your specific sangha,

But people that are doing this type of work,

It usually does not make sense to them,

And it brings no benefit.

Right?

Like,

Are our actions causing harm,

Or are they helping?

Right?

Even if I'm talking with someone else,

If I was talking with someone saying,

Oh,

Christian's suffering about the wind,

And it's someone not on a spiritual path,

They would just think,

Oh,

Isn't Meredith quite judgmental?

Well,

How's that spiritual path working out for her?

Because that's how people would see it.

Because we wouldn't be talking about,

If we're looking at someone's suffering with compassion,

They're really,

Even the language that we would be using would just be so very different when it really is coming from compassion.

And this doesn't mean,

So please don't take any of this to say that I'm saying you're not compassionate,

Because I think you are,

And I think,

Paul,

You've reached out to me,

I think,

Independently,

I think we've exchanged some messages,

I mean,

Outside of this.

And I can tell that you do have a lot of compassion,

But our compassion needs to be really firmly rooted in wisdom as well.

And so it's just good for us to acknowledge when,

Okay,

It's not quite as,

My compassion isn't as rooted in wisdom as I thought it was.

No problem.

This whole situation is just giving you that insight.

You're getting an insight and saying,

Okay,

I need to do some more practice there.

I need to do some more compassion practices.

So definitely,

And I would say the same for you,

Paul,

I would say do that Tonglen Compassion Workshop that's on my Insight Timers page.

There's lots of Tonglen stuff.

I mean,

Tonglen,

I find,

Is the most powerful compassion practice that we have.

And really look for ways to practice more compassion.

Look for little ways in our lives.

So like be,

In fact,

One of the things that I would do when I'm at home in Mexico,

When I would drive into town,

Into the big city,

Into La Paz,

You do end up seeing a lot of homeless dogs.

And as many of you know,

I have three dogs.

I love my dogs.

I miss my dogs terribly because I'm not with them right now.

But what I did was put a whole bunch of,

I put a bunch of dry dog food just in the side,

Right in the driver's side,

You know,

In those kind of little side pockets in the door.

So that every time I would see a homeless dog,

Because of course,

My first reaction is,

Oh my God,

I've got to do something.

What am I going to do?

And it's like,

I can't,

I have three dogs now.

I cannot bring any more dogs home.

I am overwhelmed with dogs.

Um,

I love them to pieces,

But three is a lot.

And,

Um,

And so I literally cannot bring one more dog home.

And,

But I don't want to turn away.

And so I just put the dog food in,

You know,

Just a bunch of dry dog food doesn't cost a lot of money.

So every time I see a homeless dog,

Great,

Just pull over,

Grab a cup out,

Just leave them some food.

If it's in the summer,

I'll also have a gallon of water to leave a little water,

Because that can be really rough for them down the summer.

Do a little bow.

I love you.

I hope you find some happiness,

Right?

Get back in my car and carry on.

So it's a,

It,

So it does lead to action,

This practice.

Like it led to how can I,

How can I do this?

I want to do something.

I want to do something,

But I can't bring any more dogs home.

And so this way it's using my compassion practice.

And Brad,

If you're,

I don't know if you're still on here,

But you had shared with me last week,

Uh,

He lives up in San Francisco and a lot of homeless people in San Francisco.

And so I've had Brad doing a lot more Tonglen practice lately,

And he's noticing,

He's acknowledging them and he's smiling at them,

Right?

And even that just smiling,

Just acknowledging another human being and their suffering.

So it really,

You know,

The,

The compassion meditation that we're doing,

It,

It's not that it,

It leads to action,

Right?

So even though we're doing it in the comfort of our homes,

Uh,

It actually leads to very positive actions as well.

So I would say definitely doing more Tonglen compassion meditation,

Um,

And then looking for little ways that you can really be practicing it as well.

And no proselytizing,

No proselytizing,

And no,

Um,

You know,

Know who you're with,

Know who you're with,

Right?

I hope that helps Paul and Bea,

I hope that helps.

So no,

Monica,

I'm not in Australia.

I'm in Ohio,

In southwestern Ohio with my mom.

My mom's very sick.

So I've been here since the beginning of the year with her.

One little trip back to Mexico last month.

Um,

And so all my,

My dogs are all at home and it's very hard being away from them,

But I have friends staying with them,

Staying at my house in Mexico.

So what are you saying,

T-Bear?

You just,

I haven't been rescuing dogs.

You've been trying to rescue friends.

Yeah.

Um,

Yeah.

Try not to rescue friends.

You know,

There,

There is this thing on a path to,

Uh,

Like,

You know,

Service being a part of our path,

Right?

Like helping others.

Um,

Which I think is amazing.

Like do what you can do when people need help,

Offer our help.

But we also want to make sure that we're not pushing ourselves in helping others,

Pushing ourselves on them,

You know,

Kind of using our practices.

If I can just keep helping others as a way to kind of help ourselves,

Help yourself first,

Help yourself first.

And then you're in a much better situation to help others,

To recognize when someone really does need help.

And again,

The right type of help,

Right gift,

Right time.

I can't tell you how many times in the back of my head,

I've just said that and been like,

Oh,

Zip it.

You know,

They don't need to hear this.

What they need,

You know,

And you,

You're recognizing them.

What is it that they need?

You know,

What is it that this person needs right now?

Because our,

Our path,

Again,

It's not about like us saying,

This is what worked for me.

It's about seeing the situation and understanding what is it that they need?

They don't need me to point out this Dharma book.

Oh,

You should go on insight time or listen to this teacher.

Oh,

You should have this meditation.

Our practice should be giving us a sense of understanding to,

To recognize what it is this person needs right now.

And 99 times out of 100,

They do not need us giving them a teaching.

They need us to meet them where they are with what's going on.

And if we,

If we don't know how to do that,

If we're unclear,

Just to really try our best to find that compassion in our heart,

To really tap into that,

Whatever they're going through,

They're struggling.

And I know what it's like to struggle,

Right?

As soon as we can just even the playing field.

I know what it's like to struggle too.

Oh yeah.

Okay.

Now I get it.

I get it.

Oh,

That's right.

I know what it's like to struggle.

I know that feeling of helplessness.

And so maybe it's just a,

Man,

I'm so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

Just tell me anything you need and I'm here for you.

You know,

Or maybe it's again,

Just,

You know,

You're just kind of putting your hand on,

On their shoulder.

You're putting your hand on their hand and just breathing mindfully.

Staying present,

Not needing to layer anything on top and just allowing the space.

Just even having that silence can sometimes be such a beautiful gift.

And it does,

Paul,

It does feel good to share.

This is a better place to share.

This is a better place to share this stuff.

I mean,

So many of you share such great wisdom and compassion here and you do Paul.

I mean,

This is so,

You know,

This conversation I think is really,

I hope,

I hope it's helpful for people hearing this.

So,

But,

But the,

Again,

You know,

It does feel good to share,

But it also feels good to listen.

Right.

And we want to make sure that we're finding that,

That balance.

Right.

If,

If we always have to be speaking,

Then I would,

Then I would also say,

Oh,

Why,

Why is it,

Why does it feel so good to share?

Doesn't it feel good to know?

The knowing is what feels really good.

And then the knowing when it's appropriate to share.

So just,

You know,

Being a little bit careful on that as well.

Like just questioning what,

What is it,

What is this kind of need to share this information?

Again,

No judgment because we've all done it.

But just to make sure that,

That it's not,

Again,

Just to hear yourself and does it,

Does it sound very smart then?

Do I think that I'm sounding,

You know,

You know,

Just making sure your ego isn't making some kind of image out of this.

Right.

And just notice even that contraction that comes with it.

Oh,

I want to share about this.

I want to,

I want to talk about the wisdom of interdependence or the wisdom of impermanence.

So I want to talk about karma.

I want to talk about dependent origination.

I want to talk about the five remembrances,

Right.

You know,

It's kind of like,

Oh,

I want to talk about all this.

Most,

Unless,

Unless it is your sangha is not going to come out the way you think.

And just notice that,

Like,

What is it inside of me that feels the need to share this?

Like come in and feel it.

There's probably a little contraction with it.

Because if it is,

And if it is coming with that little bit of contraction,

Then what I would say,

It's not coming really from as much compassion and wisdom as,

As you were first thinking it was.

But also what might be helpful for you is like,

And I know a lot of your friends offline,

You know,

To even,

You know,

Reach out and say,

Hey,

Can we have a conversation?

I just,

You know,

Like maybe you like the lives,

But you want to talk it out.

You want to talk these teachings out,

Not in a way to impress others,

Not in a way to convince others,

But because you want to talk it out.

Like,

Yeah,

That's super helpful,

Super helpful to be able to do that.

So,

You know,

If you don't have,

And I'm going to,

I'm just going to offer you up,

Monica,

Because I know,

You know,

Lots of people on here.

Kimmy,

I think would be open for it.

Lotus,

I'm just looking at some of you that I know that are on here a lot,

And that know each other.

That,

You know,

Yeah,

You guys could reach out and say,

Like,

Let's have a conversation ourselves about this.

Because there is a lot of benefit to that,

But there is not a lot of benefit to sharing it with people that are not on this path.

Their eyes glaze over.

They feel like they're trying to be controlled.

They feel like,

Often they feel like they're being talked down to.

They feel,

And they just don't understand it.

They just,

When people will say,

I remember last year when we were doing the five remembrances,

Not last year,

Like six months ago,

We were doing the five remembrances,

And someone in the Sunday group that would come to my house was saying,

She was sharing it with someone else.

This is down in Mexico,

In La Ventana.

She was sharing it with someone else.

You know,

The five remembrances.

I'm of the nature to get old.

I can't escape getting old.

I'm of the nature to get sick.

I can't escape getting sick.

I'm of the nature to die.

I think it was that one she was up to.

I'm of the nature,

You know,

I can't escape dying.

And this person,

She,

So she,

Gail,

Gail was getting so much out of the five remembrances.

She tells it to someone else who's not on this path,

And she's like,

Why would you want to think about those things?

That sounds terrible,

Right?

So,

And it just,

And she ended up feeling like,

Oh,

I feel,

You know,

She kind of felt a little bit deflated.

And it's like,

Just don't share.

Don't,

You don't have to share it with people that aren't on the path.

You're doing them a favor,

And you're doing yourself a favor.

Oh,

To meet Jessica in person one day.

Are you guys,

Are you guys close by?

I know you're in Texas,

Monica.

Where are you,

Jessica?

I saw you going by a few minutes ago.

So yes,

Let's all really take away from this.

It's only for our sangha members that we would discuss spiritual matters.

Okay,

I'm going to come back to your point here,

Robby.

Oh,

Sorry,

Alice,

I want to just make,

I want to highlight your comment here first,

Where you said,

Most of the time,

Your hurting friends simply need you to hold space for them.

That is so true,

So true,

So much.

They just,

They just want someone that's there that's not afraid to be with their hurt,

But can just be there with them in silence.

That is a beautiful gift,

Right?

Gift,

Right time.

Perfect example.

Thank you,

Alice.

And so just from Robby,

It's great to chat with someone with the same mindset so that we get to speak,

But don't have to try to help someone who's not ready.

Sometimes just silent compassion,

Maybe they don't even know we care.

And that's okay.

Yeah,

That's okay.

But it is great.

Yeah,

So Monica,

So you and Jessica are both in Texas.

Oh yeah,

You're in Austin as well.

Yeah,

I mean,

If you go across,

I think you guys can click on each other's avatar as well.

And if there's someone in the same thing,

Like reach out and say,

Hey,

Can I reach out to you later or something?

Or on the group,

On our Sangha group page.

You know,

Don't stalk another person if someone doesn't respond to it.

But definitely,

I think it is nice to be able to have a conversation,

To be able to talk,

To hear yourself kind of talking through these things as well.

It's really helpful.

Oh,

And Robby,

Yeah,

I've been very,

My lives have been very,

Well,

I didn't do any for a while when we first came back to the States.

And we're now kind of getting into a routine where I think Sundays is going to be the day.

Okay,

I'll just go back and see if there's anything else that I missed.

Oh,

Bella,

Sorry,

And I saw you pop up before.

I'm not sure if you're still here.

You wrote,

You just wrote this in your journal,

My journal on here.

I'm new,

Oh,

New to the live.

Oh,

And talking about what you just wrote.

Your dad made you upset because he wasn't listening to you being upset.

Yeah,

You got really worked up,

And you felt it was not compassionate,

Or you weren't getting attention.

Yeah,

And so if you're still here,

Bella,

You know,

We get upset because,

You know,

We say,

They made me upset.

We're so fixated on that.

They made me upset,

Right?

And for us to really take the time to come back and go,

Okay,

There's upset here.

If I keep focusing on them,

Never going to get any resolution here.

In fact,

I'm just going to bring up more anger,

More judgment,

More,

I'm a victim,

More self-pity,

More isolation,

More separation.

I got to get to the herd.

I got to get to the herd,

Right?

And have compassion for myself.

Not everyone's going to have compassion,

But we can always have compassion for ourselves.

We can always have that.

Oh,

And Robbie,

Yeah,

We were mentioning that last week,

Too,

The Hoponopo'o prayer.

Yeah,

It's super helpful.

Same beautiful words.

Okay,

I think we got,

Oh,

Janine,

And I'm not sure if I,

I don't think I acknowledged it before.

We were,

Sorry,

An hour ago.

And this is the last message it's letting me go back to,

That you get triggered by a family member as they hurt,

And you put in quotes,

Hurt,

Right?

Maybe just kind of emphasizing it.

This awareness of your conditioning is so helpful.

Yeah,

I'm so glad,

Janine,

So glad to hear that.

Because it is our conditioning.

We wouldn't be hurt otherwise.

We wouldn't be hurt.

And so let's tend to the problem.

Let's tend to the hurt.

There's always going to be people out there that have less compassionate styles of communicating with others,

Are overwhelmed with their own schedules and responsibilities,

And you just kind of have a way of wielding a lot of less than compassionate words.

But those words only stick on the ones that have the wounds.

They only stick if you have the wound.

Because if you've tended to the wounds,

And always tending to our wounds does remind us,

Right,

That compassion,

It's like,

Yeah,

I can see why that feeling of,

I mean,

Even just like the feeling of unworthiness,

The feeling of being unlovable,

I mean,

Very common,

Very,

Very common feeling today.

Even if you don't have it every moment of the day.

I mean,

Some people,

It's as soon as the lights go out at night,

And they go to bed,

Or at 2 a.

M.

They wake up,

And there's such feelings of separation,

Of isolation,

Because we're so always lost in our thoughts,

Always lost in the separation,

Right?

The ego itself is separation,

We're separating from ourselves.

So of course,

We kind of magnifies all of these things.

And so the more that we can really just come in and have compassion,

And learn how to be with our feelings in a way that heals them,

Right?

And again,

Understanding like,

Because I think the more you peel back those layers,

I know for myself,

I have seen like,

Yeah,

I can see why that's coming out.

I can see the conditions of how that got caused,

Not to blame anyone,

But I can see where that feeling came from.

Yeah,

I can see that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so when someone is being less than kind,

And you've really healed that wound inside,

The response,

And you've healed the wound,

And there is that understanding,

Because with healing the wound is the understanding of causes and conditions.

It does help it kind of come along.

You know,

That you really just see like,

Man,

They are suffering.

They are suffering.

It's not personal.

That person is suffering.

And I can hold space for them.

You know,

It just,

Or I can,

I can,

You know,

Open my heart to them.

I don't have to go and talk to them.

I don't have to go and try and fix them,

Try and heal them,

But I don't have to judge them.

And I can still hold compassion in my heart for them because,

Man,

I know what that's like,

And it sucks.

I don't want to suffer.

I'm sure they don't want to suffer.

And they are the result of their causes and conditions,

As I am the result of my causes and conditions.

And to be grateful that the causes and conditions are arising,

That that's how you're seeing things,

To be grateful for that as well.

Okay.

I think I did get to everyone's question there.

So why don't we close our eyes just for one minute.

Just feel what's happening in your body.

Feel what's here right now.

Feel what's present.

Create some space for whatever it is that's here.

If there's any tension in the body,

Any tightness,

Any contraction,

Just acknowledging it,

Breathing a little space into it.

We are very disembodied as a culture.

Learning to come in and feel what's here,

To breathe space for our feelings to exist,

To acknowledge how we feel,

Bringing us more into the body,

More into our experience,

And coming out of the stories and the fear that never lead to healing.

The healing is in the body,

In being with our feelings.

And bringing your hands together at your heart center,

And just taking a moment to dedicate the merit of your practice,

Thinking about someone that you love,

And just imagine that you're sharing this merit with them.

This short,

Sweet little practice at the end of acknowledging and sharing.

And finally,

You can open your eyes.

You're very welcome,

T-Bear.

And yeah,

Monica,

I remember you telling me you had met one of the teachers,

I think,

Came and stayed with you.

So,

Thank you all.

Thank you,

Emma.

Thank you,

Lotus.

Thank you,

Libby.

Thank you,

Noni.

Good to see you.

Thank you,

Monica.

And Daniella.

And Rose in Toronto.

Moj in Sydney.

Oh,

Michelle,

You're very welcome.

And Bea,

I see you going across.

So,

I hope you were able to take away,

As well,

Just some reminders for our practice.

It's really good.

It's,

You know,

Please don't ever take anything if I'm making suggestions for other practices to be doing.

It's always,

Whatever's going on,

Whatever we're resisting,

Whatever we're resisting is always showing us there's something for us to work on.

That's all it's doing.

The difficult people in our lives,

They're all teachers.

They're pointing to us.

Ah,

I'm not getting something.

I need to work on something.

So,

I mean,

What I find is amazing is like,

Great,

I can do something about this.

I don't have to sit here and stew in my suffering.

I can just acknowledge,

Yeah,

There's a,

You know,

Not as much compassion as is needed.

So,

Okay,

Got to do a little more Tonglen.

Great.

What a beautiful practice to do.

And Char,

Good to see you,

As well.

Okay,

So lots of love,

Lots of gratitude to every one of you.

Thank you guys so,

So much for always making this such a special time together,

And I'll see you next Sunday.