You Are Not Who You Think You Are

The last few weeks,

We have been talking a lot about this thought-created image,

This image of how we see ourselves.

And last week,

We talked about how once we've been meditating for a while,

We start to imagine this image of me as a peaceful person,

The image of me as a meditator as someone more evolved.

And so we take that image,

The unworthy image that we usually identify with,

And we start to replace it with this more holy image.

And of course,

The disappointment that comes when others don't see us as this image.

And we imagine as though all of our suffering is coming from the fact that people aren't acknowledging this peaceful me now,

This new meditator me.

But in fact,

All the suffering is coming from us believing this image of ourselves,

Of us 100% believing this thought-created image is who I am.

And so there's a story about a young lion cub,

He's just a week old,

And his mother dies.

And so he's left to fend for himself.

And he wanders for a few weeks,

Trying to scrounge some food,

Trying to stay alive,

He's not doing very well at all,

Until he comes across this flock of sheep.

And he just thinks the sheep look so soft,

And so warm,

And so comforting,

Just really in reminding him of his mother.

And so he starts to walk over towards the flock of sheep.

And of course,

Some of the sheep immediately are like,

Oh my God,

This lion's coming towards us.

And then they recognize,

Oh,

He's just a little lion cub.

Look,

He's so emaciated,

He's so scared.

And they welcome him into the flock.

And the lion,

After living with them for many months,

He's eating the grass like the other sheep are eating the grass.

He's making little sounds that the sheep makes.

If someone,

If a predator is nearby,

He runs with all the other sheep fearful of the predator.

And he really believes he's a sheep.

And so one day,

There's this adult lion that's kind of lurking around looking for some prey,

And he sees the flock of sheep.

And he's hiding behind some bushes kind of scoping it out a little bit.

And then he sees this young lion in the center of the flock of sheep.

And he sees the lion eating the grass and making the sounds that the other sheep are making.

And he just can't,

He's like,

What is going on here?

And so the lion jumps out,

The adult lion jumps out of the bushes,

And he goes tearing after them.

Because all the sheep take off,

And the young lion takes off as well.

But the adult lion is going just for the young lion,

And he grabs the cub.

And he tosses for a moment,

He's got the cub pinned,

He's on top of him.

And the little cub is looking up at the big lion,

He's saying,

Please don't hurt me,

Please don't hurt me.

I'm just a little,

I'm just a little sheep.

I'm just a little frightened sheep,

A helpless little sheep,

Please don't hurt me,

Please don't eat me.

And the lion is looking at him,

He's like,

You are not a sheep,

You're a lion.

It's like,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I'm just a little sheep.

Lion is like,

What is going on here?

So he takes the young cub,

And he takes him over to a watering hole.

Very,

Very clear,

Crystal clear,

Still watering hole.

He's like,

Look at me,

I'm a lion,

Right?

And the young cub's like,

Yes,

You're a lion,

And I'm a little sheep.

It's like,

No,

Look at your own reflection.

You are a lion too.

And the young cub looks,

And he sees,

He looks like a lion.

But he comes back,

He's like,

Are you sure?

Are you sure I'm a lion?

He's like,

Look again.

And he looks,

And he sees,

He looks just like the lion.

And then the adult lion whips out a piece of meat that he happens to have on him,

And he shoves the meat down the young cub's throat.

And the young cub kind of chokes on it,

As we do whenever we're kind of being confronted with the truth.

We kind of choke on it,

Gag on it a bit.

But eventually,

The meat gets down there.

And then the young cub feels this like vibration bellowing up inside of him.

And then all of a sudden,

This big roar,

And he realizes,

I'm a lion.

All this time,

I thought I was a little sheep.

I'm a lion.

And this is our predicament,

Because we think that we are sheep.

And we spend our whole lives in this thought-created fantasy,

Imagining we are something other than what we really are.

Believing this little avatar that we create every time we go up into our thoughts,

Thinking about ourselves.

Would I need to be happy?

I need to be over there.

So my little avatar is unhappy now,

Because it needs to get over there.

Or my little avatar is not happy because it's perceiving something it doesn't like,

Maybe some criticism or some blame,

A relationship not going right.

And I can see my little avatar,

And it's not happy.

It's not happy.

And that's what we believe is the avatar over reality.

And we know this.

We know this when we're lying in bed at night.

We're in our warm,

Safe bed.

Got the comforter over us.

The belly's full.

We're totally safe.

All is well in the world.

And yet,

We might be fixated on a thought,

On a story about something that happened earlier in the evening.

Maybe someone was unkind to us.

Someone was criticizing us,

Being passive-aggressive in some way.

And we cannot put the thought down.

We cannot stop thinking about this over and over,

Imagining all of the things that we will say to this person next,

All of the things that we will do to try and prevent this from happening again.

The 999 things out of 1,

000 that we will never do,

But we keep going over it and over it.

And in that thinking about it,

There's a little avatar,

A little me,

A little sheep that we imagine ourselves to be that feels so real.

And when we say,

I can't put the thought down,

What we're saying is I can't put this idea down that there is a little me that is frightened and worried and feeble and afraid.

And we believe that more than we believe the reality that we are lying in our warm,

Safe bed,

That there's not a problem in the world.

But we believe the little avatar that is so outraged,

So angry,

So frightened,

So afraid more than we believe reality.

Or when we're just going about our day,

And we're kind of thinking about things,

We're just the minds wandering,

And we're just imagining,

Oh,

Did I respond to that text yet?

And did I respond in the right way?

And I wonder what they think about me.

Did I do that right?

Maybe I should check,

Maybe I should follow up,

Or in that email or in that conversation,

Did I sound nice?

Was I was I in some way?

Do I need to clean something up?

Right?

We're always imagining going back and imagining that in some way,

This little me,

This little fragile image of myself is somehow now a little bit,

Oh,

A little bit askew.

Because I think I might have said the wrong thing.

Because we're always going back over our conversations over our correspondence.

And imagining,

Oh,

Maybe I didn't do that quite right.

And even though through all of this thinking about it,

999 times out of 1000,

We will never do anything that we're thinking about.

But we keep getting lost in it.

Imagining I am this thought created me,

Versus the real me,

That's just maybe cleaning,

Doing the dishes,

Walking around the house,

Just picking things up.

We believe this other version of me more than we believe reality.

And it's tough.

Because most of the world believes that they are this,

Most people in the world believe they are this thought created me over reality.

Right?

When you,

Maybe your partner,

Your children,

Your friends,

Your colleagues,

The strangers that you're interacting with in the stores and the streets,

Most people that you're interacting with,

Think they're sheep,

Sound like a sheep,

Eat like a sheep,

React like a sheep.

And you're here trying to see that you're not a sheep.

And it's really hard to do this,

Because everything in our society,

In our,

In our culture,

Is reinforcing this idea that we are something other than who we really are.

And so that's why we come to sangha,

Right,

To meetings like this,

So that we can be pointed in the right direction and be told you're not a sheep.

You're not a sheep.

This is what the adult lion was doing with the little cub when he had him pinned,

A very forceful Dharma talk and saying,

You're not a sheep.

And then he dragged him over to the watering hole and said,

Look,

Look for yourself.

You are not a sheep.

And this is what we're asking you to do is to look for yourself,

To see what you really are.

Because while there are many,

Many,

Many,

Many different paths up this mountain,

This mountain of awakening,

Of enlightenment,

Of self-realization,

Whatever you want to call it,

There are many paths up this mountain.

But every path has in common,

You have to see this for yourself.

It is not enough to hear someone talk about it.

You have to look and pay attention to see what is happening in reality.

And I think this is where our practice tends to falter a lot.

Because while we're here in the sangha and we're hearing it and you're still on the call,

Because you're possibly agreeing with what I'm saying,

It's making sense.

But then we go back out in the world and the moment we turn off the call or we walk out the door,

Right,

We're back up in that thought created me again.

Oh,

I got to get over there.

The little avatar just got to get over there.

You know,

I don't like that.

That's an obstacle to me getting over there.

And we're immediately right back up in our little avatar believing we're the sheep.

And then it spirals into getting anxious,

Getting stressed,

Getting upset over something.

And it becomes our whole world again.

We just believe so readily,

So absolutely convinced that there's this little me that's upset because there's a long line of traffic or in the store,

Or because someone didn't greet me in the way that I thought they should have greeted me.

The cashier ignored me.

How dare they,

Right?

Just all the little ways that we get lost in our thoughts.

And this thought created me.

We can be standing in line.

We're at the supermarket,

And we're at the 10 items or less checkout lane.

And we happen to notice the person in front of us has 15 items.

Now we are just standing in line at the supermarket.

There is no problem.

And yet,

Because we perceive a problem,

Right,

Judging someone else,

How is that affecting me?

Right?

We go up into this little thought created me that is suffering because that person has 15 items.

Believing that suffering little me more than the reality of me just standing in line with 10 items,

10 yummy items that I need from the supermarket,

That I have the money to pay for,

That I have the good conditions to be able to have this selection,

To have these things.

But instead,

We believe the little thought created me more.

And we aren't,

I don't think we're spending enough time really pulling ourselves out of it.

All the little ways,

All the little ways,

Just the little I got to get over there,

Noticing that,

Ah,

My mind's already at the store,

My mind's already on the call,

But I'm still getting ready,

Right?

Noticing that to keep pulling it back,

To breathe,

To come back into the present moment,

Feel where you are,

Look around,

Use the sounds to ground yourself,

Right?

Just to keep grounding yourself back,

Right?

And to pay attention every time to go,

Wow,

A moment ago,

I was believing there was a little me that needed to get over there.

Where did that little me go?

Once I brought myself back here,

It doesn't exist.

And you know what else went away?

The tension and the stress that was associated with the little me needing to be over there sooner.

And I'll still get there.

I'll still walk or run if I need to.

But keeping your mind and your body,

Not creating some avatar out of it,

Not creating some suffering out of it.

So being very mindful of the little,

Even what seems kind of the more innocuous avatar of just kind of wanting to get to the next thing.

Anytime you give it your attention,

You are further solidifying that that's who I am,

That that's real.

And then it's hard to put down the thoughts of when someone was unkind to us or criticized us or disappointed us or harmed us in some way.

Because we so believe in the wounded me,

The outraged me,

The disappointed me,

Instead of just,

Oh,

Disappointment arising,

Right?

Causes and conditions,

Right?

This is what we're trying to see.

Everything is simply arising through causes and conditions moment by moment,

Changing moment by moment.

You have eight billion people on the planet.

There's going to be some little interactions that are unpleasant.

And there's going to be many that are very,

Very pleasant.

But every time there's a little interaction that's not pleasant,

Go up in the little me,

Right?

And push back on it in our thoughts.

And that's where our suffering is coming from.

So if it's something big,

We've talked about a couple times where there's just that heavy feeling,

There's maybe some,

Just that dread feeling that sometimes we wake up with,

That sometimes we experience,

Maybe we're just kind of getting over something.

And there's just some negative energy around us.

And forgetting our practice,

Which is to come in and feel it,

To be with what is happening.

Because every time we come in,

And we can use the breath to bring us into the body,

To feel the body,

To create some space,

Because whenever that thought created me is around,

There's always some tension associated with it.

So we come in and breathe and feel it.

We can't be keeping the thought created me around,

It can't sustain itself without thought.

So if I'm now paying attention to my breath and feeling my body,

I'm not having thoughts that's sustaining that little me.

It's gone.

And we have to keep snipping,

You know,

Cutting this association with this little thought created me.

And the body is such a good,

The breath and the body,

Such a good place for us to come into.

I mean,

We're very disembodied to begin with,

Because we live in the thought created me.

It's not that we don't feel discomfort in the body,

We feel it,

But we're reacting to it,

And we're reacting to it in a story,

In our thoughts,

Giving more,

More solidity to that feeling that there is a real me here,

A real little me that's wounded,

That's afraid,

That's been hurt.

And so coming into the body,

Breathing,

Feeling it,

And then asking yourself,

Once you're grounded more in the present moment,

Okay,

Where is that little me that was so outraged about the 15 items?

Where is it?

Where did it go?

Where is the little,

Where is that little me that was so disappointed,

Or so hurt by the criticism?

Where did it go?

Because even in that thought,

In looking for it,

It's not the thought that sustains it,

It's a different thought,

And you can't have two thoughts,

Two different thoughts at the same time.

So now you're starting to prove to yourself,

It's not real,

It's just a thought created me,

It's not real.

And so more of coming in and feeling the body,

Grounding ourselves here,

Using our senses,

The only way we can experience the world is through our senses,

Right?

Sight,

Sound,

Touch,

Taste,

Smell.

But we don't experience our senses directly,

We experience it through the filter of our perceptions and the little me.

Me as the center of the universe,

And everyone should be doing what I want them to do.

No one should be making noise when I don't want noise,

No one should be parking where they shouldn't be parking,

Even though it has nothing to do with me,

Let me make it about me,

Right?

No one should criticize me,

No one should blame me,

I should never feel discomfort,

Right?

This is how we see it as the center,

The little thought created me sees itself as the center of the universe.

And as we've been talking about for weeks now,

We are not the center of the universe,

We are not separate from the universe,

We are a part of it.

We are arising in each moment based on millions and billions and trillions of different causes and conditions,

Changing moment by moment by moment,

Based on how the conditions are changing.

That there is nothing solid or independent here.

It's not that you don't exist,

All of you exist,

I exist,

But we don't exist the way we think we exist as this solid,

Independent thing.

We look so solid and permanent,

Of course,

But we are changing moment by moment by moment.

Our bodies are changing moment by moment,

Our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our emotions,

Our perceptions,

Changing moment by moment by moment.

That's the reality.

There is nothing to hold on to here.

There is nothing to cling to.

There is no one to be disappointed.

Disappointment can be arising and that's okay.

We still get disappointed from time to time,

Of course we do,

Right?

We do try and check our expectations as best we can to minimize them,

But yeah,

Yeah,

We all experience disappointment.

And to do it through the lens of,

Ah,

This is what's arising right now,

Disappointment.

Okay,

I can be with that.

I can be with the disappointment because that's what's arising.

I don't want to push back on my experience.

That's what's arising,

Disappointment.

Breathe,

Feel it,

Feel what's happening.

The disappointment is real.

The story of how I'm a victim because I'm disappointed is not real.

And that is giving life to this little avatar where all of our suffering is coming from.

So coming in and feeling what's happening,

Oh,

Disappointment is here.

Okay,

Breathe.

It's okay.

It's not going to kill me.

I can be with it.

I can feel it.

I should feel it.

I should feel it.

I should know what this feels like,

But I don't need to make a story out of it.

I don't need to make myself as a victim out of this.

Or if stress is arising,

A little bit of chaos is arising.

Just before this call,

So most of you know,

I have three dogs and the youngest one had gotten out.

My mom was going for a walk and she tried to follow my mom out and we couldn't get her back in.

And it was a little bit of chaos 40 minutes ago as we're trying to get her back in.

And it was like,

This is what's arising right now.

Chaos is arising.

We're trying to get Mia back in the puppy pen.

And,

You know,

What can you do?

I mean,

You could get upset.

The little avatar could be like,

What's going to happen?

You've got a class in 10 minutes.

Oh no,

You're a victim of your dog.

No.

It's like chaos is arising right now.

Mia's thinking this,

My dog Mia,

Is thinking this is some kind of game right now.

She thought it was great fun,

Right?

So we all had great fun with it.

Great.

And then we got her in the pen and I still had a couple minutes to sit here before the class started,

Right?

So it's okay to arise with whatever's arising.

You're a little rushed,

You're running,

Right?

It's okay,

Right?

If those are the conditions,

If that's what's arising in that moment,

Don't deny who you are in that moment.

That's what was happening based on a million billion causes.

One cause in particular,

Mia jumping through the fence.

But this is what's arising.

And this is what we are trying to see.

What,

You know,

I'm asking to kind of hold your head over the watering hole and look at,

Look at how you are arising moment by moment by moment,

Changing moment by moment by moment.

There is nothing solid here.

You arise as a process that's constantly in a flux,

Constantly in change,

Right?

And that's how you flow,

Right?

We want to flow with life.

When life speeds up a little bit,

Okay,

The dog gets out,

Okay,

Got to run a little bit,

Got to maneuver,

You know,

Got to try and think quickly here,

Right?

Like,

Okay,

That's what's arising.

When the conditions change and we're a little bored,

There's not much going on,

You know,

Recognizing again,

Oh,

These conditions aren't going to last.

I should enjoy this.

I should just sit back and look at the sky and see how all things are arising and changing moment by moment.

Yeah,

Because I'm not going to have this moment,

You know,

In a little bit,

Whatever moment I have right now is changing.

And really recognizing there is nothing to hold on to here.

We say the words let go,

But we let go,

You know,

Kind of prying our fingers off,

Right?

Oh,

I know I should let go.

I know I shouldn't be angry because it's causing me suffering.

What I'm suggesting is that we're letting go because we're seeing how we are arising each moment,

How everyone else is arising in each moment,

How everything in this universe is arising moment by moment by moment.

There's nothing personal here.

There's nothing personal going on.

It's just millions and billions of different causes and conditions arising and changing moment by moment by moment.

But we have to look,

We have to let go of who we think we are in order to see who we really are.

And we have to be really careful on the spiritual path because there is this transfer that we tend to do of the unworthy me,

The stressed me,

The anxious me,

The unlovable me,

That avatar.

And we trade it out for a more divine me,

A more peaceful me,

A more spiritual me,

A meditator me.

You are not any image.

Any image is suffering.

You're not any image.

You are not a thing.

You are not nothing.

You are not nothing.

This is not nihilism.

But you are not a solid thing.

You are a part of the universe,

Interwoven,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

You cannot not be a part of this.

And this is what we want is to know this,

To know how we are flowing in each moment,

To know how we are a part of this,

How we are connected.

This is what we are desperate to know,

To come back to.

But as long as we think we're a sheep or a meditator or a spiritual person or a peaceful person,

Anything,

Any image,

We don't see what's really going on.

So more looking,

More looking,

Bringing yourself into the body,

Feeling,

Right?

Definitely more feeling as well,

Feeling grounding yourself here.

And then noticing how is this all arising moment by moment.

Wow,

A moment ago,

I was really upset about something.

Where is that little me that was so upset?

I can't find it now.

Wow,

It was just conditions arising,

Right?

And old habits arising and changing,

Right?

No beating ourselves up for it,

Because these habits will persist for a while,

Right?

So it'll just be arising and it's like,

Ah,

That's what was arising.

I was a little stressed.

I was a little tired.

I fell back on that old habit.

And I see how the little me,

That little avatar arose,

And I was believing it.

I was absolutely believing it.

And then by coming in because of a different cause and condition,

Because maybe you're,

Because you're a meditator,

You practice spirituality,

You know mindfulness,

You come into your body,

You breathe,

You ground yourself and you go,

Where did it go?

It's gone now.

So what's real?

This being here that is just arising moment by moment by moment and changing that flows with life,

That sees itself as a part of the universe and not the center of the universe.

And to keep looking at it that way,

Because this path,

The path that I'm teaching here is a path based on wisdom,

Wisdom and compassion,

Which I always say are two sides of the same coin.

It's on seeing,

It's in seeing the nature of reality,

To let go of who we think we are,

The sheep,

So that we can see who we really are,

What,

In fact,

What we really are.

An even better way of putting it,

What we really are.

And that is when you let go.

Go.

Let me enjoy the ride now.

Sometimes the ride's a little bumpy.

That's the reality of the world we live in.

But I don't have to push back on it.

I don't have to create some little image of a wounded me around it.

It's just bumpy,

It'll change,

Right?

This unpleasant condition will change,

Like all conditions change,

Everything does.

And that's the,

That's how we flow.

We flow as the river,

We flow as life,

We are life,

We are life,

We are part of this.

So we have to stop identifying with the thought created me,

However innocuous you think that little thought created me,

Just the,

I'm going to get over there,

I'm going to have this and it's going to taste so good.

Dial it back,

Just keep coming back,

Keep coming back.

We've got to cut the cord on that and look.

That's what the lion did for the baby cub.

Look,

Look at who you are.

And that's what I'm asking you to do.

Look,

Pay attention to how things are arising,

How you are arising moment by moment.

Be mindful,

Use your practices,

Keep bringing yourself back into the present moment and pay attention.