Why And How To Feel Your Emotions

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michelle Chalfant,

And I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon.

And here we go with the latest episode.

We are here today talking about one of my favorite topics,

Emotions.

Yes,

We're talking all about emotions today.

And we're talking about specifically why we need to feel our emotions and how to feel emotions.

You know,

Over the course of 25 years of working with clients as a therapist and a coach,

This is probably the topic that came up more than any other topic in all of these years.

It's very,

I don't want to use the word sad,

It's just actually it is sad a little bit because and I was included in that boat of the humans that are not able to feel or just to feel their emotions a little bit.

And I can tell you,

I was on both sides of that.

I at one point in my life,

Didn't feel a lot of emotions.

And then what when I became someone that was able to feel emotions,

It's like having a different life.

It's a very rich or whole life.

It's a whole bodied experience that we have when we're able to feel our emotions.

So we're going to jump right into this.

I'm really excited to talk to you about first of all,

Why?

So one of the reasons that we absolutely need to feel our emotions is what I just said,

We become whole humans.

Humans are meant to think and we're all great at that,

Right?

We all think,

We value intellect,

Of course,

You know,

We hear everyone,

You know,

Sending their kids to this school or that school or making sure they're in this school.

That's wonderful.

But for me,

Emotional intelligence is more important.

And I really wish that every single school in the world had this put into place when kids start school.

We need to,

If we don't have this while we're growing up from early childhood,

We need to learn or continue this learning of what's going on inside of ourselves.

I think we'd have a completely different world if we all knew and were able to tune into what our emotions are.

What are we feeling?

And unfortunately,

We're just not great at it.

You know,

If we don't have parents that are comfortable with their emotions,

Then they can't help us to feel our emotions and to sit with us when we're having a bad day and to explore with us what's going on inside of us.

They can't do that for us if they don't know how to do it for themselves.

So and again,

I always say,

No blame or shame to our parents.

Everybody does the best that they can.

But the fact is,

We've got to learn how to tune back into ourselves and reconnect to self.

So we become whole humans when we feel our emotions.

Here's the thing,

We're all born to feel emotions.

Every human has emotions.

Every baby is born crying.

I don't care what sex you are,

You're born and you're crying.

When you come out of the womb,

You're crying.

So you have emotions early on.

What happens is we learn not to feel.

We learn instead to numb out.

We learn to push our emotions down because we don't know what to do with them.

And if they're overwhelming,

We really do not know what to do with them.

So we want to abandon them.

We want to get away from them.

We want to numb ourselves out.

The thing is,

Is that when we feel our emotions,

It is a gateway into our intuition.

We have enhanced intuition when we are in tune with and know what we are feeling emotionally.

I learned many years ago,

My friends and I,

We'd play with this a little bit.

I'm like,

Okay,

Should we drive home this route or this route?

And we'd all would feel the answer inside of our bodies and our heart or our bodies would even just open or close.

You will feel more expanded or contracted,

Which is the no.

So I encourage you,

Try this on for size,

Like try this right now.

What decisions do you have to make in your life?

Whether they be small decisions or big ones,

Start instead of asking yourself,

What do I think?

Ask yourself,

What do I feel?

What's going on inside of my body right now as I think this thought,

As I think about taking the new job,

Moving,

Getting a new house,

Starting a new relationship,

Ending a relationship,

Whatever it might be,

Start asking yourself how it makes you feel.

This draws your attention and your energy back inside of your body,

Which is exactly where your emotions are and it starts to activate your emotions and your body will actually start responding to you in a beautiful way.

You will feel opened or closed and then you'll feel guided and again,

Your intuition will become more and more enhanced.

Another reason to practice feeling emotions is empathy.

You will gain more empathy for others,

Which is a really,

Really wonderful skill to have in our world.

Empathy is when we're able to tune into another person and feel what they're feeling.

It's a beautiful skill to have and we all don't have that skill.

We might've been born with it again,

But if we,

If we get out of touch with what we're feeling emotionally,

We then may not have high empathy.

So again,

What you want to do is,

Is you are feeling yourself first and when you can feel your own emotions,

Then you're able to extend to other,

Tune into what they're feeling,

But not get lost in what they're feeling.

That's different.

All that we do with empathy is we can tune into someone else's sadness,

Into someone else's grief or their overwhelm and we can relate to it.

We can be with them in it.

We then can say,

I really,

Really feel what you're feeling.

I get it.

I'm there with you,

Which is comforting for another person.

Instead,

What we like to do as humans is if someone's sad or they're overwhelmed or whatever they're in,

Oftentimes we rush in to fix them,

Which as you know,

If you've ever,

If you've ever been fixed,

It doesn't work,

Right?

We reject what others try to do to us or their suggestions to fix cause it doesn't feel good.

We instead want to be seen and heard and emotionally we want to be known and we want someone else to be there with us and feeling what we're feeling.

This is probably one of the most comforting things you can do for another human is to be with them in their pain.

Now you don't get lost in their pain.

You're just in there feeling it with them.

Then you can,

Again,

You can say,

I am really here with you.

I get it.

It doesn't feel good.

What can I do?

What can I do to help you?

How can I be here more with you because I really feel it.

And sometimes you don't even have to say those words.

You're just saying,

Gosh,

I get that.

And that alone is so healing for the other person that's in pain.

Another thing that we,

That we do,

Another reason to feel emotions is it helps to heal our codependency.

If this is something that you're struggling with,

Because with codependency,

We,

Instead of knowing what we're feeling,

We're jumping over to another person,

Another human and guessing if not intuiting what they're feeling.

And we extend ourselves on a continual basis to other people's emotions.

And that is how we survive.

These other people outside of ourselves become our identity.

Our identity is all around fixing others,

Helping others,

Getting involved with others,

Even when they're not asking for help.

So a way to heal our codependency is to start redirecting our focus and our energy back to self and connecting with ourselves and what we're feeling emotionally.

We're not great at that because from a very young age,

Typically we extend out.

So we don't know.

We abandon ourselves unbeknownst to us.

We don't know that we're doing this,

But we abandon ourselves and we go out to other.

So when healing codependency,

Sitting with ourselves when we're not extending out to other can be very uncomfortable,

Feels awkward,

It feels yucky,

It feels painful.

And that's the exact thing that we need to do in order to heal our codependency.

This is where we begin.

We've got to know what we're feeling and we've got to feel our pain because it is due to the pain that we have extended outside of self to heal other,

To fix other,

To extend out to other.

So feeling that uncomfortableness,

If I'm not helping someone like my mom,

My dad,

My sister,

My brother,

My children,

My whomever it is,

Your partner,

It's uncomfortable.

It's very painful because we are wired and set up to extend outward in order to feel good about ourselves.

So what we feel is a lot of grief and pain when we're not extending out to other.

And that's where we need to go.

So if you're someone that is living with codependency,

It's a lack of identity of self,

Right?

But the way to build it is to feel what's going on inside of ourselves.

But if you're someone that is suffering from this,

I'm telling you,

This is one of the beginning stages to heal this codependency is learning how to feel your emotions.

A lot of people will say,

Well,

I don't really want to feel all the bad emotions or all the negative emotions because if I do that,

I'm going to get lost.

I'm going to get so lost in them.

I'll never,

Ever come out of them.

I'm afraid.

If I start crying,

I'll never stop crying.

If I feel that sadness,

I'm never going to stop feeling sad and I don't want to live like that the rest of my life.

I just want to tell you that is not true.

We instead go in.

It's like putting your feet in a pool at the top step of a swimming pool.

You step in and then you can step out.

I'm not inviting anyone to go headfirst into feeling every single emotion that they feel.

That could be overwhelming.

But do get curious and step in.

It's like putting one foot in the pool and then putting a foot out of the pool and then in and out,

In and out.

So when we do that,

Then we're able to go,

Oh,

Okay,

This isn't hurting me.

You know,

It makes me,

It might make you nauseous.

It might make you feel like you want to throw up.

It might make you feel like you want to cry or you do cry.

That's okay.

All of those things are okay.

But do allow a little bit to come in at a time and you will find that you're not going to get stuck in your emotions.

That's okay.

You don't get stuck because you can turn them off at any moment.

You don't have to stay inside of your emotions.

So let's talk about how we feel our emotions.

For starters,

You need to know this truth,

Which is when we feel our emotions in a clean way,

We feel our emotions only for 90 seconds.

Yep.

90 seconds.

You heard me right.

So what happens though,

Is that when we're feeling an emotion and they last longer,

It means that you're feeling an emotion and you're building a story around that emotion.

So let me give an example.

If I'm sitting in sadness,

Let's just say I feel some sadness come up.

Instead of sitting with it and allowing it to come through,

I ask myself the question,

Why am I feeling sad?

I'm not sure.

I shouldn't be feeling sad.

Did something happen earlier?

Maybe I'm sad for this reason.

Maybe I'm sad for that reason.

I don't know why I'm feeling sad.

There must be something wrong with me.

We get all concerned and we go into story or assumption around the sadness and give it meaning.

Oh,

I must be sad because my partner said this to me earlier,

Or so-and-so gave me a weird look,

Or I was at work today in the meeting and,

You know,

I think my boss is mad at me.

When we go into creating the meaning around why we're sad,

Possibly,

And we don't even know for sure,

That creates a loop that keeps us stuck.

That keeps that emotion stuck and it's not able to process and metabolize through us because we are in our heads and we are going over and over and over and over again with why we must be feeling that emotion.

The way to not get stuck is to stop the meaning and stop the story and assumption and allow for that emotion to just flow through and metabolize through us and then it's outside of us within 90 seconds if we allow it to do that.

I see this a lot when people are in grief over something,

Whether it be someone has actually passed away.

I've seen this with kids going off to school,

Losing a job,

Losing a pet,

Losing something.

And when we go into grief,

The brain starts going,

We start kicking into like,

This will never be the same without them and now that they're gone,

Everything's going to be different and all of those things are true.

I'm not making light of any of those things.

All of those things are true.

And a way to get through that emotion is to allow your mind to go through all of the things that it wants to say,

Let it exhaust itself and then stop it.

In fact,

You can even set a timer on your phone,

Say,

Okay,

I'm going to let myself go for 10 minutes and have every thought I can have and,

And,

And let those thoughts rip through you.

Just let them come about why you're in grief,

Why you're sad,

Why you're in pain.

Let them come through for 10 minutes and then when that alarm goes off,

You got to stand up and say,

Okay,

That was enough and moving on now.

So I'm not saying you have to do grief like this is just one suggestion.

Everyone does grief in a different way.

So you might need to cry for a whole week or a few months off and on.

That's okay too,

But do be mindful of what you're doing with your thoughts and which thoughts that you're reaching for and which thoughts that are creating,

Again,

The loop of that emotion that's not able to go through you because you're stuck in that,

You know,

Giving it meaning or storing assumption.

Okay.

So how we feel emotions again is to get curious,

Like what's coming up?

Why do I feel so flat today?

I don't think I'm feeling anything.

Well,

Get curious about maybe what's going on inside your body.

Get curious about what you might be feeling.

In fact,

Right now you can just take a moment if you even close your eyes and just tune in,

Do a quick body scan,

Go from head to toe very quickly and notice like,

Is there any tension tightness inside of my body anywhere?

Like right now I have a little on the right side of my stomach,

Teeny tiny bit of tension.

That's something.

So take note of that.

That could be your first step into starting to feel and get in touch with your emotions and it's perfect.

So just notice and go,

Okay,

Wow,

There's something there.

Okay.

You can feel it physically and you might feel a big punch in your stomach too.

That's something to get curious about it.

Huh?

I wonder what that is.

And then draw your awareness back down to that stomach ache area or the knot in your throat.

Get curious.

What is that?

Hmm.

I wonder what I'm feeling.

And then let your mind go blank and just tune into the physical sensation in your body to help you to come up with what that emotion is.

Okay.

Do this slowly.

Give yourself grace because this takes practice.

All right.

Okay.

Another thing I want to share with you is to journal.

As you know,

Journaling is one of my favorite things.

Journaling helps to get your emotions out.

And if you sit and you say to yourself,

I don't even know what the heck I'm thinking.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I don't know.

I don't even know where to begin.

Just start with that.

I don't know where to begin.

You write that down,

Write in your journal.

I don't know where to begin.

I'd like to know what I'm feeling,

But I don't know what I'm feeling.

I'm wondering maybe if I'm blocked somewhere.

I wonder what the block could be.

Let your hand go.

The more that you and your brain get out of the journaling,

As crazy as this sounds,

The more your energy flows through your hand and the more awareness and understanding you will have around your emotions.

Write it out.

I wonder what I'm feeling.

I wonder what my emotions are right now.

Okay.

And I want to remind you,

As we talk about emotions,

We're here to feel this beautiful spectrum of emotion,

Everything from love to fear.

So just be mindful of that.

It's one of our experiences that we get to have as a human.

We get to feel sadness and shame and love and pain and all the things,

But we don't need to live our lives there.

We can dip our toe in and come out,

Dip your whole foot in if you want or your leg and then come out of it.

But it is an experience.

And without having those emotions,

You wouldn't be able to appreciate love and joy.

So there's a spectrum for a reason.

It's contrast for a reason.

We can't have one without the other.

If we only felt love and joy,

You wouldn't even know how great it was because you didn't have pain and suffering on the other end of it.

So there's a reason,

But again,

It doesn't mean you have to sit in those emotions forever.

Another point I want to make about emotions is that we are all as humans,

We have these emotions that are flowing through us every day throughout the day.

Everybody does.

So it's not unusual to have sadness float through.

By the way,

If you're someone that is an empath or someone that's very open to feeling emotions,

You might even be feeling other people's emotions.

So be aware of that too.

If you spend time with someone and they're sad and you leave them and then you feel sad,

You probably picked up on their emotions.

Emotions are an energy and when our energy fields come together,

Guess what?

You're picking up on their emotions and you're taking them with you.

So be mindful of if you're doing that as well.

And you know that when you go into a public place and when you're with other people and then you leave and you might feel tired,

You might feel angry or sad or have an emotion out of the blue and it doesn't make any sense.

That is a sign you've picked up on someone else's emotions.

So get home,

Get in water,

Do a sea salt bath,

Get outside in nature to cleanse out your energy field because you want to make sure that that energy is off of you.

They're not even your emotions and we want to do our best to just feel our emotions.

But journaling is a wonderful way to do that.

Getting curious about what we're feeling and noticing what we call the inner child.

Connecting to the inner child is another phenomenal way to feel and tune into what you're feeling.

So to do that work,

The inner child is beautiful because this is the part of us that's zero to six years old.

It lives within us.

So you can close your eyes and you just imagine this beautiful you sitting next to you anywhere from zero to six.

You ask that part of you,

How are you feeling today?

What's going on?

What emotions are coming up?

Whatever sentence you want to use or question,

Go for it.

And then you wait for the answer.

You can picture your inner child inside of you or outside of you.

It doesn't really matter.

You can't get it wrong.

You're just getting curious with the inner child.

So you might feel a sensation,

By the way.

You may not be a visual person and that's perfectly okay.

Not everybody is visual,

But a lot of people can see their inner child next to them or see the inner child within them or they may sense the inner child like,

I don't see anything but I feel this warmth in my belly or in my heart.

They also might feel warmth even in their throat.

You never know.

So go ahead and just feel.

The third way is to hear the inner child versus seeing or sensing.

You just might hear a voice.

That's fine too.

So you have to find your way to connect.

You can do guided meditations for the inner child.

I've got a great inner child meditation.

It's at theadultchair.

Com forward slash inner child and that's a guided,

Two guided inner child meditations with journaling prompts to help you to connect to your inner child.

This is great if you want to learn how to feel your emotions.

So getting connected with your inner child and building a relationship with them does open up that channel of emotions to start coming through you.

You're going to want to make sure that you're checking in with them a few times a week,

If not every day,

For 30 seconds and just saying,

Hi,

Good morning.

How are you?

Or good afternoon or good night when you're going to bed.

You can do it right when you're in bed.

Take a few seconds and just say,

Just want you to know I'm here.

Here I am.

I'm here and I love you and I,

And I,

And I want to know how are you feeling?

And then if your inner child says to you,

I'm really sad today.

You as the adult that you are sits and says back,

Tell me more.

I want to hear about it.

Now remember,

We don't want to scold our inner child.

We want to make sure that we're connecting with them,

Accepting everything that they're saying.

We're not correcting anything and we're saying,

I hear you and I'm with you.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you so much for showing up with me today.

I've got you.

I love you.

I'm here to help you.

So you can ask your inner child,

What do you need from me to help you to feel better?

If that inner child feels sad or if the inner child feels overwhelmed,

What do you need from me?

And remember,

The response is going to be coming from an emotional perspective.

So you're not going to hear things like,

I need you to go leave your job.

That's something that a child would not say,

Right?

Think about it.

You're talking to a part that's zero to six years old.

So this part of you is actually responding.

So what would a zero or six year old zero to six year olds say?

They might say something like,

I just need you to give me a hug.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed.

Okay.

Then you imagine giving your inner child a hug,

Grab a pillow and imagine hugging your inner child.

Maybe they just need to hear that,

That they're loved.

Maybe they want to know that they matter or that you're going to come and check in on them every single day.

That's fine too.

That's another way.

So anything you want to do with your inner child is beautiful and it's a great way to activate emotions within your body because it's an energy that we're activating.

So connecting with the inner child is simply activating an energy.

Okay.

So some people will say to me,

I don't feel any emotions.

I must be blocked.

So what do you do if you have that coming up?

And people will say things like,

I feel a wall.

I feel resistance.

I feel like there's a big fence around and I can't feel anything.

That's when we want to do some parts work.

So parts work,

It's just a part of you that's blocking you from feeling emotions.

It doesn't feel safe for you to feel these emotions.

So that's okay.

So you say,

Great.

Then you talk to that part that's blocking.

So then you might talk to the wall or the cement or the fence or whatever it is that is around your emotions.

That's okay.

Or the,

Or around the part of you that's blocking your emotion.

That's totally okay.

You just connect with it.

Say,

Hey,

Hey,

Wall or cement wall.

Tell me more.

Tell me more.

I'd like to know.

And it might say something like,

Well,

I'm afraid and I don't want to feel your emotions.

Say it's okay.

I'm here with you.

Introduce yourself to that resistant part.

It doesn't know you.

That's what's crazy.

These parts that pop up,

They rarely know who we are.

So show up with them from the adult self that you are today.

Tell them your age,

Tell them what year it is and say,

I'm here.

And I like to feel some of my emotions.

And if they get overwhelming,

I'm going to,

I'm going to stop.

I'm going to turn them down.

I'm going to turn the intensity down,

But I do want to start feeling my emotions because I want to be more in touch with myself.

I want to feel more whole.

And this is what healthy adults do.

So you can say all this to that resistant part and you can say to the resistant part,

I've got this.

Thank you.

You can invite the resistant part to lower.

So if it's like a big wall,

Ask if it will lower by 50% and say,

Hey,

Will you come down 50%?

Because if you come down 50%,

I'd like to feel some of these emotions.

And if the intense,

If the intensity gets too much,

You can come back up.

So there's many fun things we can do with parts.

It's just a party that's trying to protect you and its intention is really good,

But it could be blocking you from feeling.

So there's lots of things that we can do,

But these are some great ideas on number one,

Why we want to feel our emotions and the number two,

How to feel emotions.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.