Techniques For Overcoming Stress, Anger, And Anxiety

I'd like to talk to you about some techniques for overcoming stress,

Anger,

And anxiety.

I'd like to begin by asking you to consider that your stress and anxiety is not so much to do with the amount of problems or challenges in your life,

But to do with your ability to be in the present moment.

Think about that.

My stress and anxiety is as much,

If not more,

A result of my ability to be in the present moment than the troubles or circumstances of my life.

I love to go running.

It's part of my self-care practice.

And so I go about four times a week,

Six miles,

And it's just as much a mental exercise as a physical one,

Because when I can get home,

I can judge my stress and anxiety based upon what my mind was focused on during that run.

Sometimes I've spent 60% of that run arguing with someone else in my head,

Or an additional 20% worrying about something that's upcoming,

Or 10% not feeling comfortable with what I'm listening to on my iPhone,

Denying feelings or telling stories about ways that I'm feeling.

And this always means that I'm in a certain level of stress,

Anxiety,

And not feeling in the flow and not feeling myself.

On other days,

I can get home and realize that I spent a lot of time just listening to my feet hitting the ground,

That I spent a lot of time beholding the beauty of the snow-capped mountains,

That the run was kind of an incubation because ideas came forth for a talk or a class that I'm working on.

And I'm often able to acknowledge feelings,

Positive or negative,

Without giving them a spin or a story,

Just being with them.

And I would say that I have pressure in my life,

Certain amount of stress.

I get to,

With Dr.

Michelle,

Lead Mile High Church.

I've got a wife who has gone bravely through many health challenges at home.

We have a four-year-old and an 18-year-old.

There's always a lot going on.

And so I can't say my life isn't stressful,

But I can tell you that there's a big difference between those days where my mind is in a kind of chaos,

Where instead on those days when I'm able to be present.

In other words,

It doesn't matter how stressful circumstances are or how challenging,

My ability to be present tends to maintain my peace of mind,

Even in difficult times.

So for those of us who are looking to overcome stress and anxiety,

What can we do?

Well,

The answer is to get present,

To do whatever the hell you can to get back into that present moment.

It's not easy because I don't think we always have the kind of control over our minds that we might think we do.

And yet it's often that trying to control our minds that keeps us from the present moment.

One thing that I like to do is just close my eyes and imagine the tides of my thoughts like ocean waves.

And usually that visual starts off very large and very chaotic.

There might be a very stormy sea.

But as I just watch,

As I just let the ocean do its thing,

All of a sudden,

Those waves of the mind begin to dissipate.

And I'm looking at a clear sea underneath a clear sky.

If you can,

When you feel yourself going on a tangent that takes you outside of now,

Just gently call your back yourself back to present.

A more pragmatic possible tool is to make a date with your problems.

And what I mean by that is when a really big negative emotion arises and a story around it,

Or a worry about something,

Or a recognition that you need to have a difficult conversation with somebody,

Set a date or a time that you'll focus on that so that you can get back to now.

At 9pm tonight,

I'm going to journal about the struggles I'm having in my relationship.

I'm not going to worry about them right now.

Tomorrow,

When I wake up,

I'm going to write 10 possible solutions for this challenge that I'm concerned about and something we can do.

You know,

When I get into the office today,

I'm going to make a point to talk to so and so.

And that's what I mean,

Make a date with your problems.

And I've always considered if my problems don't show up to that date,

No problem.

I can let them go.

But usually they're waiting for me.

But if you can give yourself that gift of being in the present moment,

It will begin to feed you and it will give you a sense that your problems don't need you to fix them.

They just need you to be present and to be your best self.

Lastly,

I want to talk to you about anger and how to overcome anger.

And for so many people that I work with,

Myself included,

I think we sometimes underestimate how angry we are.

I can be on one of those runs and all of a sudden just God,

I'm really,

Really angry.

What's that about?

And I'd like you to consider today,

It's not probably 100% true,

But I think it's mostly true that when I'm angry,

It's because I'm not getting what I want.

Is that true for you?

That when you're angry,

It usually means you're not getting what you want.

And what it means for me is that I was hoping to have something and someone or something or some circumstance has gotten in the way of what that is causing me to be angry.

So what's the first thing that we should do?

The first is to acknowledge our anger.

Anger that goes unacknowledged can go in and start bringing a toxic sort of energy into our lives.

I love the grand affirmation that came from that famous movie Network,

I'm mad as hell,

And I'm not going to take it anymore.

Can you say that with me?

I'm mad as hell,

And I'm not going to take it anymore.

So just acknowledge that anger.

But then we have a choice.

When someone or something has made us angry,

We can begin to focus on the story,

Or we can begin to focus on the solution.

By story,

It means that our life in our present moment now becomes about the someone or the something that has gotten in our way.

It no longer is about getting what we want.

It's about what we want becoming,

Blaming or making wrong or getting revenge on that thing that's gotten in our way.

And the problem with story is it only allows me to be two types of characters.

The first is a victim.

Woe is me.

This person got in my way.

This person kept me from this peace of mind.

I wasn't able to take my run because this person came up with this or whatever it may be.

I'm angry.

And there's a real stuck place in that because the problem with being a victim,

Not that we're not all victimized at times,

Is it's hard to create healing and transformation when we stay in that place.

We give up in a sense responsibility for our lives.

The other is more of a behemoth mode where the victim is woe is me.

When I'm in behemoth mode,

Woe is you because I'm going to come at you because you've gotten in my way.

And so the anger grows,

The upset grows,

The need to control grows.

And all of a sudden,

No longer do I possess my anger,

But it possesses me and I'm behaving and acting like someone that's not in my character.

So that's what the story is.

But if we can choose solution,

We can say to ourselves,

What is it that I really wanted here to go on that run,

To just have 30 minutes of peace of mind,

To listen to the music I wanted to,

To go to the restaurant I wanted to go to,

To have a solution at work.

And the first thing to ask yourself is,

Is there any way where I can give myself what I want?

And if there is,

Do just that.

And if there's a relationship issue to deal with after,

Do it after you get what you want.

It will totally change the energy of what you're dealing with.

What you can also do is,

Especially if it's an intimate relationship or someone you care about that's gotten in your way,

Ask for what you want first from them,

And then deal with any relationship issues later.

If I'm having a tough time with my wife,

And what I really wanted was her to hold my hand,

And instead she criticized me about something,

As opposed to going hours and hours into my anger about why we weren't holding hands,

Can I just say,

Will you hold my hand?

Can we do this for a while?

And more often than not,

People will allow us to get what we want.

And when we get what we want,

That anger can begin to dissipate.

Our heart can begin to open up again,

And we can get back to living a great life,

Which is what each and every one of us,

I'm guessing,

Wants to do.

A quote from Sherry Huber to close us out today,

What we are looking for is inside the heart.

We find it by being still,

Bringing our attention to the moment,

Seeing how we cause our suffering,

And letting it go.

One more time,

What we are looking for is inside the heart.

We find it by being still,

Bringing our attention to the moment,

Seeing how we cause our suffering,

And letting it go.