Overcoming The Feeling of "I Am Not Good Enough"

Many of us have one or two people in our life that we are constantly trying to get acknowledgement or recognition from.

In some case it's our mothers,

In some case it's our fathers,

And in other cases it's a reflection of our mothers or fathers in other people that remind us of our mothers and fathers.

Although I'm keeping this very tight about our parents,

But it doesn't have to be just about our parents,

It could be grandparents,

It could be uncles,

Aunts,

Or any influential figure in our life that we are trying to impress.

And by impress I mean we are trying to be seen,

We are trying to be heard,

And we eventually are trying to be loved by them.

And these relationships are very complicated.

The one where we are striving to be seen,

To be heard,

To be loved,

Often goes unfulfilled.

We have anger,

We have resentment inside,

But that doesn't stop us from being seen,

Being heard by the same people the next time.

Especially parents who are overachieving parents.

The kids have to constantly live up to the expectations of their parents.

And anything short of perfection only gets recognition for the mistakes that have been made.

Or even if you hit quote-unquote perfection,

It barely gets a good job from them.

So there's disappointment,

There is resentment,

There is fire to prove them wrong,

But actually that fire is misdirected towards the same thing that we started off with,

To be seen,

To be heard,

And to be loved.

It could happen at work,

It could happen in your relationships,

It could happen in sports,

In business,

It could happen in raising kids,

Or it could happen living a very busy life,

Trying to juggle three,

Four,

Five things at the same time,

And yet not being seen or heard by this one or two people that are super critical in our life,

Super critical about our actions.

And in a roundabout way,

In a convoluted way,

If we look back,

There are a lot of things that we end up doing just to get their attention.

And even if we are not doing things to get their attention,

If we get attention,

If we are seen or heard by other people,

We are reminded that,

Hey,

This person acknowledged me,

This person saw me,

Saw through the pain that I've gone through,

I am going through.

Why didn't this person say anything?

It's like a tack pin that is just pierced into that board of our hearts,

Of our minds that is constantly striving to be seen,

To be heard.

Sometimes we pretend to play cool as if this is not bothering us,

But deep down those feelings are undeniable.

It's a volcano brewing.

While some of us have a different approach to the exact same problem,

We try to shame the other person into noticing us,

Acknowledging us,

By pointing out how unempathetic they are,

How selfish they are.

Of course,

We do it in a professional way.

We don't create a scene,

But those words are like daggers.

They pierce the heart.

And although they are sophisticated,

They cause a lot of damage.

Either we are disappointed or we attack in a very passive-aggressive way,

And then we have to go through regret.

That's a different story.

That's why I said these relationships are very complicated,

And they are not with everyone,

Okay?

There's just one or two people,

And there are echoes in other people.

You see one,

You see all.

That's the brilliance of it.

Typically,

And I don't want to put all of us into a box,

But based on my observations,

Women have this with their mothers,

And men have this with their fathers.

These complicated relationships.

And in turn,

We have with our daughters or sons.

And a subject like this,

Even if it is triggered unconsciously,

Without a safe zone like this,

Where we can openly talk about this to heal ourselves.

But when it gets triggered outside of this safe zone,

There's a lot of shame associated with it.

The longer we have craved for this love,

The deeper this shame runs.

Maybe in the process,

We end up trying to please people,

Trying to please our spouse,

Our co-workers,

Our friends,

By over apologizing,

By saying yes to things you meant to say no to,

While deep down you're checking your phone to hear those words.

I'm proud of you.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

In a strange way,

These people have so much power over us.

They live rent-free in our minds.

Their image flashes in front of our eyes so very often.

Although you're not doing things to consciously impress them,

Or show them,

Or get acknowledged from them,

But in a very roundabout way,

They are.

They are a part of this picture.

Like I've seen mothers,

Like I've seen with my cousins,

And I'm violating the generic principle that I laid down,

Where mothers play this role in their daughter's life.

But I am thinking of my cousin,

Who is doing the best to take care of his mom,

My aunt.

But there's zero appreciation.

He does things for her,

To be seen,

To be heard.

But he's always compared with someone else's son.

In the process,

The self-confidence is becoming brittle and brittle.

Like even if you do something remarkable,

Deep down,

You don't feel like you deserve it,

Or you don't feel like you have done something great.

Because these critical eyes that you have grown up with have kind of become internalized.

That even if someone is telling you that,

You know,

This is remarkable what you have done,

You find it hard to accept,

And you need constant reassurance.

And even then,

You don't believe it.

You don't believe that you have done something remarkable.

You go back to your shadows.

Something tells me that even if this one or two people in your life were to say something to the tune of,

Oh,

This is remarkable.

You wouldn't believe it.

You did well.

Even if you hear this,

It won't give satisfaction to your heart.

Because what has happened,

The longer we have stayed with this pair of critical eyes,

This ghost haunting us through everything that we do,

Is there is this solidified feeling that I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough to do this.

I'm not good enough to be loved.

I'm not good enough to love.

I'm not good enough to achieve.

And there is this constant battle between I'm not good enough and I want to do this.

Life feels like a battle.

Although this person is no longer around us,

The feeling has been internalized.

The mannerisms have been internalized.

So that person is actually living inside of us in a strange way,

Critiquing us,

Giving us that look that we hate,

Triggering this feeling that I'm not good enough.

You're not good enough.

How dare you try this?

You should do something that falls in your category.

These are the words that echo in our minds to the point where we feel stunted in our life,

Weighed down.

And of course,

A topic like this,

At the most,

We can talk about this feeling that I'm not good enough,

Which I've seen people openly talk about,

But nobody wants to get into the heart of where this feeling comes from.

What can we do about it?

We can't just wish a feeling to go away.

We can't outthink and out-affirm our feelings.

Feelings are an energetic knot.

You need a sword of wisdom to cut it off.

Repeating some words,

Changing the way we think,

Can only mitigate the problem,

Not dissolve it.

Maybe some of us just need that much.

So I get it,

It works to up to a certain extent.

But the reason I'm painting this entire picture is to show how widespread it is in our own life,

How unhealthy it is for us and for our kids and our relationships.

Because at some level,

We end up passing it down and passing it laterally to our kids,

To our spouses.

We treat them in a very familiar way,

That whatever they do,

It's not good enough.

Because we are struggling with this internalized trauma of not being good enough,

We are diffusing it into our other relationships.

You are not good enough.

Whatever you do is not perfect.

It's not the way I want it.

You could do better.

You know what?

Let it be.

I'll do it myself.

And then we overwork,

Get overexhausted,

Sleep deprived,

And then we complain about it.

So it's like a vicious cycle we have been caught up in.

We are suffering from it.

And in the process,

We are spreading it.

So this movement about I'm not good enough needs a deeper,

Deeper investigation.

Maybe we have picked up this habit when our minds were not fully formed.

And no matter where we picked up this habit and when we picked up this habit,

We have this false approach that if I found out where this habit originated from,

I will be free of it.

So that's why we go looking for it in our childhood.

We dig up old skeletons.

We open up old scars.

And because our past is so long that it takes tremendous amount of time to reach that place if we ever reach it.

In the process,

It's just drawn out suffering.

But the reason I said this was a false approach is even if we find out,

For example,

Let's say you get a cold and then your mind becomes this Sherlock Holmes and tries to find,

You know,

What happened yesterday that I got this cold?

Did I go with my hair wet outside?

Was it cold?

What happened that I got this cold?

So we go on this hunting spree to find the exact reason why we got this cold.

As if once we find out the reason for getting a cold,

The cold is going to go away.

No,

It's just that our mind needs to be scratched.

It's an itch that needs to be scratched.

Some itches are harmless to be scratched,

But an itch like this where we are embarking on this journey to find where we picked up this habit of I'm not good enough.

We'll spend years,

If not decades,

Trying to reach there.

Only to find out that this habit,

This addiction has become stronger and stronger.

So completely disregarding how it came to be,

Can we focus?

Can we wisely realize that no matter who is responsible for this,

It is still my problem?

And because now I have a completely formed,

Fully formed mind,

I can do something about it.

This sense of freedom,

This sense of agency is what we need.

Rather than finding out the culprit and us being the victim,

We should look at it from a problem-solution perspective,

Not from a victim and culprit perspective.

That only divides,

It only adds to suffering,

It only spreads suffering,

Doesn't solve our problem.

The moment we realize that this,

No matter who is responsible for this,

It's my problem,

And the buck stops here.

This is the very first step that is needed,

That it's my problem.

I don't care where it came from,

I can do something about it now.

And if we actually write down,

If we take a pen and paper and write down what we want to hear from this person,

You'll be staring at a blank page for hours,

If not days.

So for us to dissolve this feeling,

We have to see that it is so irrational,

That we don't know what we want.

Yes,

We want it,

But what do we want?

What does it mean that I want to be seen?

I'm craving for their love.

What does it look like?

We have this idea which is so incomplete,

Uninvestigated,

That if we start writing down,

If we start thinking about it,

Like,

What am I looking for from this person?

You'll probably,

The first answer you'll probably say is,

I'm looking for these words.

And if you asked another question,

Are these words going to satisfy me?

Probably not.

What else am I looking for?

Am I looking for a hug from them?

Will that satisfy my craving for love?

Probably not.

What exactly am I looking for from them then?

Why have I internalized this craving into my life,

Into my body,

If I don't really know what I'm looking for?

In the process,

All the love,

All the recognition,

All the acknowledgement that I am getting is being overshadowed by this ill-formed idea.

That's where we plant an explosive in this solidified trauma.

This ill-formed idea,

Seeing that this is an ill-formed idea is like planting an explosive right at the heart of this trauma.

Now,

All you need to do is keep seeing it again and again.

Keep adding micro-explosives until one day it blows up.

To see the ridiculousness of our expectations,

Of our cravings,

Without knowing what we want.

The next thing we need to look at is fear.

At some level,

We are intimidated by this person.

We have either put them on a pedestal or they are a towering figure in our life.

We need to see that life is not a hierarchical game.

All of us are on a level playing field.

All of us have our own lanes that we are driving in.

And this pedestal or hierarchy that is creating this fear in us is abstract.

After a certain age,

Which is way sooner than you can imagine,

A mother becomes a friend and a father becomes a friend.

Our boss is playing a role.

They are not really our boss.

We are not in a prison where someone is controlling us.

No,

It's just distribution of work that mandates a manager.

They don't become a boss.

So all these hierarchies that we have built around us,

Not just one,

All of them are abstract.

They are just for operations.

They don't really carry meaning,

Tangible meaning.

Like an actor or the president is no better than us.

They just are playing a different role.

Just like this,

This person who we have put on a pedestal and are getting afraid and are afraid at a very deep level,

We have to see that it's a facade.

And in turn,

If we are passing down the same facade of superiority with our kids,

With our spouse,

We need to loosen our grip.

We have to treat them as equal.

We have to treat ourselves as equal to this scary and afraid persona inside of us,

But also treat others equal.

And by others,

I don't mean strangers in this case.

Others as in the other people who we are close in our lives.

And lastly,

If you encounter this feeling again and again,

I'm not good enough,

Just because you encounter a feeling doesn't mean it's true.

Have we ever considered this,

That just because there is a feeling doesn't mean that feeling is true or right.

You could have a feeling of not being good enough and that feeling could just be an arbitrary feeling passing through our bodies.

Just like not every thought is true.

Just like that,

Not every feeling is true.

I mean,

It is a feeling,

Yes,

But it's not right.

If it's telling you you're not good enough,

Doesn't mean it's right.

Doesn't mean you have to believe it.

That's where the freedom that we have comes into picture,

The freedom to choose,

The freedom to believe or not,

The freedom to solve this problem,

The freedom to summon courage to tackle this addiction.

Because once you start writing down,

You'll realize that nothing this person does is going to satisfy your heart.

The fear is abstract.

And just because there is a feeling doesn't mean it's right.

These three approaches can start restoring some sanity into our life,

Can start cutting off that energetic knot of this plague that I'm not good enough inside of us.

Thank you.