Choose To Be A Better Version Of Yourself Everyday!

Hi,

Miss Khan,

Thank you so much for coming on the FoCoN podcast.

Really happy to have you here.

It's a pleasure being here.

And what would you like to share with us today?

So I was actually going to share an event that actually happened last month with my family and I,

Where we it almost kind of broke us.

So as we're aware that,

You know,

COVID has not been the nicest to a lot of us.

During the month of May,

There were I think,

Three deaths in my family.

And yeah,

It did.

It did break us.

I would always say I always say that it almost broke us but not completely.

Because I think it's on your perspective of how you deal with it.

You know,

Loss is not something that is pleasant to any one of us.

But I think it's just your outlook on loss,

Because I think it is something that is constant death and birth are the only things that are constant in this world.

Yes,

Where everybody else is not.

So it is just your perspective on it.

So yeah,

I mean,

That's pretty much what I would like to share.

And if I have to go in depth with my experience,

Then it would basically say that I have never seen my family suffer the way it had in the last month.

I have never seen my parents cry in the last 22 years of my existence.

Wow.

Yeah.

And,

You know,

I think that as we grow up,

We always seem to put our parents on a pedestal,

Right?

Because,

You know,

They are our ideals in some way.

And we look up to them,

And we just expect them to be perfect all the time.

And that is the most normal thing that we can expect from them while we grow up.

But sometimes,

Just sometimes,

It is so necessary for us to like treat them as just normal human beings and put them below that pedestal,

And just treat them as regular people that are allowed to feel that are allowed to break down.

So if like people have gone through the same kind of experiences I have,

And if you are with your parents,

I think,

Strongest thing that I would really ask you to do is to make sure to tell your parents that it's okay to grieve,

It is okay to just let it out.

Because there are so many times that they just don't and they hold it in together.

And then they blame themselves for the loss.

And that is not okay.

Because it is not under your control who passes away and who chooses to stay.

So it is so important to remind our parents that,

You know,

They don't always have to be so strong.

It's okay for them to also just break down and let themselves be and at that point of time,

It is our job to probably just coddle our parents and like reinforce that that things will be okay.

So we're going to get through it.

Sounds like Yeah,

Sounds very,

Very challenging.

So how did it affect you then?

Because you've spoken a lot about how your parents were affected.

But how did it affect you?

Seeing them being human being vulnerable?

I think my my dad is my ideal and like seeing him like cry at all or even tear up.

I think it broke me.

So they call me the empath in the house.

Because it's,

It's like I can feel everyone's emotions more than I need to.

So I feel them like they were my own.

Yeah.

And I remember so on on the 11th of May,

I'll tell you the exact date because I remember it like yesterday.

Yeah,

On the 11th of May was the last step that had happened.

And on the 17th of May,

I was doing my exams,

And they were my third year exams.

So you know,

They were like extremely important,

Because they kind of like decide the next stage of my life.

And,

You know,

Seeing my family go through whatever they were going through,

I don't think I had registered how much it had just affected me yet,

Till I was in the midst of like doing my exams,

Because I was stressed.

And of course,

I was anxious because these exams kind of set the tone for the next phase of my life.

Sure.

So of course,

That was that added pressure.

But I think seeing my dad cry even just like a little bit or seeing him tear up,

I kind of started to reflect his emotions.

So even though they were not my emotions,

Like I've never felt in the last 22 years that I don't think I'm capable of doing something or I've never felt that,

You know,

I would not be able to live up to anyone else's expectations,

Because the kind of person that I am,

I always believe that you need to live up to your expectations from you,

You need to be able to satisfy you first,

Because if you can't do that,

Then there's no way that you can like live up to anyone else's expectations.

So when I started feeling the way that I was feeling,

Then it was bad,

Because my anxiety had peaked to a level where I could not let anyone else in,

I could not share what I was feeling,

Because what would I say to them that I'm feeling this way,

Because you're feeling this way inside?

Wow.

And what am I supposed to say?

It led me to like block them out.

And it came to a stage where I think my mom,

Dad and my sister were all crying together because I was not able to share.

And that was not my intention.

It was just that I could not let them in because I did not know how to.

Because you hadn't ever done it before,

Maybe.

Exactly.

I had never been like that.

I've always been something that has spoken my mind,

And I said whatever I felt,

And not really worried so much about the consequences of me being able to share.

Do you think you were in a shock as well?

Do you think you were shocked?

100%?

I think,

You know,

When you see your family go through so much,

It does take a toll on you,

Even though you pretend like it doesn't.

But it does.

And it's so necessary to allow yourself to breathe,

To allow yourself to feel the emotions that you're feeling.

Because if you don't,

Then how will you move on?

You will always carry that baggage.

And that's going to be another added baggage amongst the many that we already have.

Exactly,

Exactly.

So how did you deal with these emotions then of anxiety and grief?

So I actually practiced this form of chanting,

Which is called,

You know,

Nichiren Buddhism.

So it is basically Buddhism.

But I've been practicing this philosophy for the last six years of my life.

Oh,

Wow.

Tell us about that.

That sounds amazing.

So basically,

What this philosophy does entail is that it is called the Lotus Sutra,

Which basically tells you that it compares your life to the Lotus Sutra,

Wherein,

You know,

Just like how a lotus flower is surrounded by mucky water all around it,

But yet it chooses to bloom and it chooses to be absolutely this beautiful flower,

Right?

So that is how you would relate it to your own life.

You're always surrounded by negativity and you're always surrounded by dark emotions.

And even when you're born,

In fact,

The doctor first slaps you on your back to make sure you cry.

So you are born with that negativity.

So it is so easy to get caught up in that limbo of always feeling down,

Victimizing yourself and just,

You know,

Even in this situation,

Victimizing myself would not be a big deal.

Everyone would understand it,

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But it is you choosing to be a better version of yourself each and every day.

It is a struggle with you.

We it's called the daily practice of Buddhism in daily life.

So what it basically says is that your practice is not alike from like apart from your daily life,

It is within your daily life.

So you practice your spirituality,

Not when you leave everything else aside,

But you try to inculcate it as a part of your everyday routine.

I love that.

I love that.

So what what I chant is called Nam-myoho-renge-kyu.

That is the chant that we just keep chanting.

Okay.

And what it basically means is that myoho,

The most important part of this chant is the mystical law.

So it basically means that I like devote myself to the mystic law.

Oh,

Wow.

I love that.

I love things like this.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

Okay.

It is something that is helped me so much because,

You know,

I was going through whatever I was going through and I was upset and I was dealing with grief and I,

You know,

Just,

You know,

Every time I felt like just giving up and I'm like,

I can't deal with this.

I don't want to do it.

I just want to defer my exams.

Should I do it at all?

You're bound to think like that because you're like,

You don't really understand your own potential till you don't keep testing yourself.

So what one of the most important things that I think I've learned over the last six years is that every time you have a difficulty in your life,

Instead of questioning it,

Why me?

Question by saying that,

How can I learn more from it?

So take every difficulty as an opportunity to grow,

Because if you have to reach that state where you are absolutely happy and that is what we chant to be.

We chant for absolute happiness that is not deterred by your external or your internal circumstances.

You are just happy because you want to be happy.

There is no reason that you need to be happy.

And reaching that stage is not something that is easy for anyone,

Right?

Because we're always like,

Like,

Like different circumstances affect us in different ways.

And it's so like difficult to really have that perspective,

Especially when you're like losing people in your life,

When people around you are crying and people around you are going through so much,

Having that perspective is so difficult.

So challenging that and making sure that,

Okay,

You're going through it fine,

But how can you be used to someone else?

How can you make someone else not feel so bad just because you're feeling bad?

That could be your immediate family.

That could be other people that need different words of encouragement.

That could be anything.

So your ultimate goal is to make sure which we call the kosunju fu,

Like what we call kosunju fu is to make sure that people all over the world are happy and are at peace,

Which is what everyone seeks to be at some point of time in their life.

Wow.

And when you were doing that chant every day,

Did that help you process the feelings as well?

Or was that something separate?

Oh,

Really?

Really?

I used to be crying.

Oh,

Wow.

Yeah,

I used to be crying and crying and crying.

But that is okay.

Because,

Yes.

Like,

I think that was the only time where I would feel what I was feeling for my own selves.

Brilliant,

Brilliant.

Of course.

And you need to feel that.

It's so healthy to cry and release all of these emotions.

We need to feel feelings.

That's what they're there for.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

How long did it take every day?

Was it just like a few minutes every day then?

Um,

So I like now I've been chanting for six years,

But I remember initially,

I started yeah,

So initially,

When I started chanting,

I used to chant for maybe five minutes,

And I struggled even with five.

I'm like,

Oh,

My God,

I have to sit in one place,

Focus on a wall and just chant.

Like that seems next to impossible,

Right?

But I think over the years now,

Last year,

I think I chanted from the month of July to maybe September for three hours every day.

Three hours.

Yeah,

From five minutes to three hours.

And like this year,

I've not been able to do that.

But it is my aim to be able to probably do that as well,

Where I can chant for maybe longer than what I've been chanting today.

So at the moment,

I chant for maybe an hour and a half or an hour a day.

Wow.

All together.

Like no,

I break it up.

And that's fine.

You can do it.

However long you want.

Like during the course of your day,

Whenever you feel like chanting,

You are more than welcome just to sit in front of a blank wall and envision or focus on whatever it is that you are chanting for.

Wow.

And the most important thing is to just believe,

Because what they teach us in this philosophy is that we are supposed to chant to a scroll,

Which is called the Gahanzon,

Which basically has Nam-myoho-renge-kyu inscribed in the center part of it,

Which basically says that our,

Our sensei,

Our master has devoted himself to the philosophy of cause and effect,

Which is Nam-myoho-renge-kyu.

Wow.

It sounds incredible.

And why do you think it always reminds us to like,

Tell us that the Gahanzon is not outside of yourself.

It is within you.

So if,

Whenever you are chanting,

And if you like say that you believe in the Gahanzon with all your heart,

Then you basically believe in yourself with all your heart.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Is that why it's so powerful then?

Why do you think it's so powerful because of that?

Because of that.

And it's,

It's just that,

You know,

You don't practice this philosophy just because someone else is telling you to do the three most important pillars of this philosophy is to study,

Have like practice,

Which is when you like,

You know,

Chant every day,

And to have immeasurable faith.

So it's like,

It's like a triangle,

One leads up to the other.

So let's say you are practicing,

Then you like further have faith,

And then your faith is reinforced by your study.

Yeah,

So why am I even chanting or what this philosophy basically means?

You need to be able to study about it before you start just doing it.

Because why should you do it just because I'm asking you to do it.

That's not fair.

That is just me imposing my ideas on you to do it.

Wow.

And do all of your family do it?

My sister and I do it.

My mom joins us occasionally,

But my younger brother,

Who's also 14 does join us as well.

So I'm happy because it says that the best part of this philosophy is that even if you are the only practicing member in your family,

Then the benefits that you get is not only just for you,

It's for your entire family.

Your whole family is protected.

And I can see that today,

My family is okay,

My immediate family is absolutely fine and touch wood.

I'm so blessed and grateful for that.

That is everything happening in our own family.

We have not given up on trying to help other people today,

Even if someone else is not doing well,

I think my dad or my sister or I,

We get the first phone call immediately.

And our immediate reaction is,

Okay,

How can we help?

Wow.

And,

You know,

That is something that we are so grateful for because it constantly reminds us that,

Okay,

Just because we are in a fix,

That doesn't mean that we cannot be used to someone else.

So it helps us to look beyond our own self and probably help someone else.

And in the process of helping other people,

You don't sometimes realize how you get the strength or how your own problems just seem to disappear.

And it just goes.

And it is absolutely brilliant because you have shifted the focus from you to something else or someone else.

That's incredible.

That's absolutely incredible.

It's very,

Very,

You're very,

Very inspiring.

Yeah.

Is there anything else?

So what advice then?

I mean,

You have said a lot of advice,

Really,

But what would you say to other,

You know,

The youth or parents going through similar difficulties?

I think the biggest advice is that I would,

I would like to say to your like,

You know,

People my age,

As well as like their parents is that just don't give up on each other because it is possible that because someone else is going through so much,

You tend to get frustrated and you tend to get annoyed and that's normal.

It's okay to feel that,

But that doesn't mean you give up on each other,

No matter how ever challenging it is,

Because like,

Especially for people my age,

It is only because of your parents that you are where you are today.

And that kind of gratitude that you need to have for them is just immeasurable.

So take out some time of your day to just reflect on everything that you have at this very present moment,

Rather than think about something that you don't because what you can't control,

You just have to let it go.

But the only thing you can control is you here right now.

So try to be in the present as much as you can,

Because that will really help.

Yeah,

No,

That's so powerful being in the present.

And,

And what about,

And I know you mentioned this as well,

But feelings if you know,

The youth or different people are suffering from,

You know,

Anxiety,

Stress,

What would you say?

Obviously,

The chanting sounds incredible.

But what else could they do if they're having these feelings,

And maybe they don't want to tell their parents because they don't want to let their parents worry about them?

I think going for therapy is something that definitely helps meditating meditating,

But helps some grounding techniques definitely help.

Like every time you feel like you're anxious,

Try to do this thing called box breathing,

Which is what I do a lot of the times.

Having a more routine like lifestyle definitely helps because that like removes the clutter inside your head.

Because you have such an organized life that you wake up at so and so time,

Then you're doing this,

Okay,

Now that is completed.

Now you're going to go to the next class.

But make sure you have at least 15 to 20 minutes of your day,

Where you are able to focus on your emotions,

And try to ration it out with what are you simply feeling just for the sake of putting yourself down?

Or where are these feelings really stemming from?

Because the more you talk to yourself,

The more you're in alignment with what is actually your feeling and what is a feeling that you may have just picked up or just absorbed,

Because those are the people that you are surrounded by,

The more it will help you to like see and navigate yourself.

And not unnecessarily,

You know,

Put on different baggages.

But you need to make sure that you are like in alignment and you do talk to yourself every day without saying,

So listen to yourself,

Basically,

Listen to yourself.

That's amazing.

Miss can thank you so much.

And just to end with one word,

What would you say one word to sum this up?

I think I would like to end with one quote,

If that is okay,

Do it.

Yes.

Because it is what helps me to like get going every day.

So this is also a quote by our mentor from the philosophy that I have been practicing for the last six years.

And it's such a beautiful quote because it says,

Suffer what there is to suffer,

Enjoy what there is to enjoy,

But regard both suffering and joy as facts and life and continue chanting.

I love it.

I love it.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I love I love that.

Thank you so much.

Miss can thank you so much.

I'm sure people will really benefit.

I really hope so too.

100%.

Thank you.