How To Deal With Stress - The Opposite Of What You Think

Hello,

My name is Noah Elkrief and in this video I'm going to give you a stress management technique that can help to alleviate your stress in the vast majority of situations.

But before I give you the technique,

I just want to let you know my name is Noah as I said and I'm the author of A Guide to the Present Moment,

Which was a number one Amazon best seller in the stress management category and my job is doing one-on-one counseling sessions on Skype where I very often help people with their stress.

So that being said,

So the stress management technique,

In order to lose your stress,

In order to be free of stress,

You first have to understand what's causing your stress.

So in any moment that you're stressed,

If you believe it's created by facts,

And we often try to change the facts in order to get rid of our stress,

But that doesn't usually work,

One,

Because it's hard to change the facts and two,

Because the facts aren't creating your stress.

In order to see what's actually creating your stress,

Let's do an exercise right now.

So right now,

You're just here probably sitting in a room by yourself,

There's nothing here to create stress in this moment and maybe you're not even experiencing that much stress in this moment,

But if you start imagining the scenario that you're afraid of,

If you imagine what outcome would be really best for it to happen and then how it would be worse for anything else to happen,

Or if you imagine the outcome you really are afraid of happening,

Take a moment right now and do that and watch what happens.

Well when you picture it in your head,

When you imagine it,

When you think about it,

All of a sudden fear,

Anxiety,

Stress is created in your body,

Even though there's nothing in this room to create stress,

Most likely,

Right?

So if all it takes to create stress is for you to think,

Right,

Picture in your imagination,

Then stress must be created by our imagination,

By thinking and not by the facts themselves.

Another way to see that stress is created by thoughts is to take a moment and look,

Is it possible for somebody else to not feel stress in the exact same situation?

So maybe you're at work and you think your job is stressful,

But are some other people not stressed in that job?

Maybe you have a test coming up and you think when you have a test coming up that creates stress,

But are others not stressed in that same situation?

If so,

Then the situation itself can't be creating your stress because other people don't feel stress in that situation.

Another way to see that your stress is created by your thoughts is if you look.

So maybe you think your job is stressful,

But in any moment that you're distracted from your thoughts,

Right,

Let's say you watch a YouTube video that takes your attention and maybe it's funny,

Maybe it's entertaining,

Or you're talking to a friend or whatever,

In different moments when you're distracted from your thoughts or you're given a nice positive thought,

Your stress goes.

If your job itself created the stress,

Then you would be forced to feel stressed in every single moment that you were in the job.

That's the way cause and effect works.

If you have a test coming up or a client presentation coming up or a date coming up and you think that creates your stress,

Well just look.

In any moment that you are distracted from your thoughts about the upcoming outcome you want or the upcoming outcome that you're afraid of,

You feel fine,

Don't you,

When you're eating your favorite food,

When you're watching your favorite show,

When a great song comes on the radio.

In any of these moments,

There's no stress,

Even though the test,

The presentation,

The date is coming up.

So all of that means stress can't be created by facts.

It has to be created by thoughts.

Look for yourself.

Don't believe me that that's the case.

See from those examples that if any fact created stress,

Then everyone would have it in every single moment.

Everyone would feel stress in every single second if a fact created stress.

If a job created stress,

Everybody that was in that job would be forced to feel stressed in every single moment.

You wouldn't feel stressed when you're at home because you couldn't feel stress unless you were in the job.

But if you think about it,

You do.

Okay,

I hope that makes sense.

I hope you were able to discover that.

So if you can see that your thoughts are creating your stress and not your situation,

Well that's great news because that means you can be free of anxiety and stress in your current situation.

You don't have to change your situation to be stress-free.

You just have to change your thoughts or see them more clearly.

So next up,

In order to be free of the thoughts that create stress,

We first have to identify what specific thoughts,

Beliefs,

Or stories are creating our stress.

And the way to do that is anytime you're feeling stressed,

You simply ask yourself the question,

What outcome am I afraid of?

Right,

So maybe if you have a job interview coming up,

If you ask yourself that question,

The answer might be,

I'm afraid of not getting this job.

Or maybe if you have a date coming up,

I'm afraid that she won't like me.

Or maybe if you have a test coming up,

I'm afraid of failing the test.

Another way to ask that question would be,

What outcome do I think would be best?

So you might think,

It would be best for me to get the girl.

It would be best for me to get the new client.

It would be best for me to get the good grade.

It would be best for me to get the job offer.

Because when you figure out what outcome you think would be best,

Then what you're doing is you're seeing that any other outcome is something you would believe to be worse.

Right,

So if I think it's best to get the job interview,

The job offer,

Or the client,

Or the good grade,

I'm saying it would be worse for anything else to happen.

And as soon as you create the idea of a better and worse outcome,

Well then you're going to fear the worse outcome.

And that's what creates stress.

As soon as you have an outcome that you believe would be worse,

Then your body will experience stress.

So how do you get rid of those thoughts is naturally the next question.

And the way to be free of those thoughts once you've figured out the specific thought that's creating your specific stress.

Right,

So right now you should be engaging with me with your specific situation.

So figure out what thought is creating your stress.

Maybe there's a whole bunch of situations that you think are creating stress in your life,

But isolate one for this moment and ask yourself what outcome do I think would be best or what outcome do I think would be bad that I'm afraid of.

Take a moment and do that for a second.

Okay,

So how do we get rid of this thought?

How do we stop feeling stressed?

Well once you understand that your thoughts are creating your stress,

And once you've identified the specific thought that is creating your stress,

The next thing you have to do is to disbelieve that thought.

That sounds kind of strange,

Disbelieve it.

But let me give you an example.

So if someone comes up to you,

Let's say you're sitting on a park bench and someone comes up to you and tells you the world is going to end tomorrow.

If you believe them,

How do you feel?

Well you would feel maybe afraid,

Maybe angry,

Maybe sad,

But if you don't believe them,

How do you feel?

Maybe they're not credible,

They don't look like a credible source of information on when the world is going to end.

How would you feel?

Well you'd feel nothing.

Maybe a little angry at them for trying to convince you,

But you won't feel anger and stress and worried and afraid and sad that the world is going to end tomorrow if you don't believe them.

So in both those situations you heard the exact same words,

But yet in one situation an emotion is created and in the other situation no emotion is created.

And the difference is when you believe others' words to be true,

Those words create emotions.

And when you don't believe others' words to be true,

Those words don't create emotions.

Words in and of themselves don't have the power to create emotions.

Words only create emotions when we believe them.

So the same is true with the words in our mind,

Our thoughts.

When you believe the thoughts in your head,

They create emotions.

You don't believe them,

They don't create emotions.

So how do you stop feeling stressed from these thoughts?

Well you have to discover that they're not actually true.

And that may seem like a strange concept,

But let me break it down for you.

So let's say you have an upcoming job interview.

The stress is created by the idea,

It would be best if I got the offer and it would be bad for my life if I don't.

So the way to disbelieve that is to simply ask the question,

Can I think of any examples as to why the opposite could be true?

Can I think of any examples as to why that would be bad for my life to get the job offer and good for my life to not get the job offer?

That seems strange,

I know,

But if you really ask that question,

You can discover,

Wait,

How do I know it would be best for my life to get the job offer?

I never had the job,

How do I know I like it?

How do I know I like my coworkers?

How do I know I won't fail at the job and they'll end up firing me?

How do I know it won't take up all of my time and I won't have a life anymore?

How do I know it won't make me feel inferior because I'm not good at it?

How do I know that I won't be driving to work one day and get into a car accident that kills me?

I don't know.

I don't know what's best for me,

Right?

And that may sound,

Sound like it's pessimistic to say,

Well,

What bad things could happen from getting the job offer,

But it's actually not.

It's just the truth.

I don't know if this would be best for my life.

You can still give 100% effort towards it because you think it would be best,

But you're recognizing I don't know whether it would be.

And then you ask the other side of the question,

Which is,

Do I know it would be bad for my life to not get the job offer?

Is it possible that I'll get a better one next week?

Is it possible that the few weeks that I don't have a job leads me to a book that changes my life or leads me to meet someone that changes my life or whatever?

Isn't it possible?

Maybe it's possible that not getting the job offer will help me to recognize I'm pursuing the wrong career because people don't seem to like me in this space or I don't seem to be capable in the job interviews in this space.

Or maybe it will lead me to study differently or lead me to read more and learn more because I recognize I don't know enough yet.

I don't know what will come of it.

Anxiety and stress is only created by the belief I know.

I am sure that this would be best and this would be worse.

As soon as you recognize I don't know what outcome is better or worse,

Well then you're free.

You're free.

Stress cannot be created when you recognize I don't know what's best for me.

I simply don't know.

Uncertainty doesn't create stress.

Because a lot of people think uncertainty creates stress.

It doesn't.

If somebody tells you,

I'm going to give you $100 tomorrow,

But I'm not going to tell you if it's all $20s,

$20 bills,

Or $1 bills,

Are you going to have anxiety about that?

No,

Because they are equal outcomes to you.

Not one is better than the other.

But if they say,

I might give you $1000 and I might give you $1,

Are you going to have stress about which one it is?

Yes,

Probably.

Why?

Because you've decided one outcome is better and one outcome is worse.

Once you discover you don't know what outcome is better or worse for you,

You can't have anxiety.

You can't have stress.

It's impossible.

So let's look at another example of how to lose anxiety or stress in a particular situation.

So let's say you have an upcoming date and you're stressed.

So you would stop and say,

What's creating my stress?

Well when I think about it,

I feel stressed.

When I don't think about it,

I don't.

So it's thoughts.

What thought am I telling?

Well,

What outcome do I think would be best?

It would be best for her to like me.

It would be bad if she didn't.

How do you know that?

If she likes you,

Does that mean you'll be happy?

Do you even know that you like her?

Maybe it won't be a good fit.

Maybe it will argue all the time.

Maybe it will lead you to a situation that gets you into trouble.

Maybe even if she does like you,

It won't make you happy because you'll still have all your insecurities,

Anxieties,

Worries and everything else.

If she doesn't like you,

Maybe that will help you to find somebody else,

Help you to see that you're too argumentative and that can help you to look at yourself.

Maybe it will give you more free time to work on your career.

You don't know.

When you have stress,

It's because you believe I know what would be best for me.

So taking a step back,

What is the technique to how to disbelieve thoughts?

You can ask yourself,

Do I know whether this specific outcome I want would make me happiest?

How could I know?

I've never had it before.

How do I know I would like it?

How do I know bad things won't come of it?

Can I think of any examples or bad effects that would come from getting the outcome I want?

Or on the other side,

We can ask,

Can I think of any good effects that could happen from this seemingly bad outcome?

If I get fired,

Say I have anxiety about getting fired,

How do I know that's bad for my life?

Maybe it will lead me to something else.

Maybe it will lead me to study more.

Maybe it will lead me to change my lifestyle.

Maybe it will lead me to spend more time with my family while I'm trying to figure things out.

Maybe it will lead me to change a career.

I don't know where it will lead me.

I don't know what's best.

You see,

We might have an idea,

It means I'm a failure.

How do you know you won't succeed even more if you fail at your job?

Just because you're not good at one skill doesn't mean you won't develop another one or you won't get better or you're not great at a different thing that this job wasn't utilizing.

Or just because your boss thinks you're bad at it,

Maybe another boss thinks you're great at it.

It just wasn't the right fit.

You need to ask questions.

Stress is created by the idea of something could happen that's bad.

If you discover whatever outcome you think will be bad isn't bad,

Then you're free.

So you can ask the question,

Can I think of any good effects that could come from this seemingly bad outcome?

And be creative with it.

Be inventive.

Take time to really see that there's so many possible outcomes that could come from anything.

I mean,

Look at the past.

Haven't there been certain things in your life that you thought was really bad for you at the time,

Like a breakup or fired or failing an exam or not getting the client that you want or anything else?

And it turned out to be great for your life?

It turned out quite alright?

Well,

That can happen in the future as well.

We don't know what all the effects are.

The last part of this is actually this very counterintuitive belief that anxiety and stress are helpful.

Many people that come to me say they want to lose their stress and anxiety,

But they really don't.

Because they believe that my stress is helpful or my anxiety is helpful for getting my work done.

And that belief comes from the sort of,

How do I put it,

It comes from your experience in a sense because what happens,

We don't have a frame of reference for living without anxiety.

Our frame of reference only includes tests or presentations or interviews or whatever when we were stressed.

So maybe you had a presentation coming up or a project coming up and you did the work and you were stressed while doing the work.

So we naturally assumed the stress helped me to get my work done.

If I didn't have the stress then I wouldn't have got it done.

I wouldn't have even done it.

I just would have played games or gone out with friends or whatever.

And we actually believe the stress helped us to get our work done.

And so there is a small degree of truth to it in that that fear of failure seems to act as a catalyst to say I have to get it done.

So that is somewhat of a catalyst,

But overall it's very,

Very counterproductive and unhelpful at getting you what you want.

And I'll give you just a few of the reasons why.

So one is if you're stressed when you do your work,

When you're studying,

When you're researching,

When you're whatever,

Well that means if you're stressed you're not enjoying yourself.

It's not fun when you're stressed,

When you have anxiety,

When you have fear.

And if the task itself isn't enjoyable are you likely to spend more time doing it or less time doing it?

Are you likely to do it right away or procrastinate it?

See the stress prevents you from doing it now because you don't want to do it because it's unenjoyable.

And then you say because I did it last minute because of the stress,

The stress helped me.

It didn't.

It prevented you from doing it right away.

Plus are you able to spend more or less time on something if you enjoy it or if you don't?

Well if you enjoy it you'll spend more time on it.

You'll do it sooner,

You'll spend more time on it.

And while you're doing a task maybe sometimes you get distracted by TV,

Movies,

Internet,

Email,

Facebook,

Whatever.

If you enjoy the task there's less distractions because you don't,

Distractions are escapes.

When we don't enjoy something we need to just get distracted and have a little pick-me-up for a second.

But if you enjoy it you'll spend more time on it.

You can do it for longer durations,

Earlier,

And much less effectively.

Another reason why anxiety and stress isn't helpful at getting the job done is because when you're stressed while doing your work,

Stress is created by thoughts,

Remember?

Thoughts about the future.

So if you're stressed that means part of your attention is on imagination,

Thoughts of the future.

And that means part of your attention isn't on the work at hand,

What you're doing now.

So let's say 20% of your attention is on something else other than your work.

Well that means you're losing 20% of your effectiveness,

Efficiency,

Comprehension,

Insights,

Intellect,

All of that.

The quality of your work decreases substantially depending on how much attention you're giving to your worries about the future.

Worries about I'm not good enough,

Whether I won't make it,

And whether the outcome will be bad.

All of that prevents us from being fully efficient and effective.

Another thing that happens as the result of stress is when your attention is on thoughts you're not purely present.

And when we're not just purely present with the work,

We're much less insightful and creative.

Creativity and insight comes when we're fully with it,

Fully present and not in the realm of thoughts.

And it's much harder to be insightful and creative and really,

Really fresh with our work,

Like really original and authentic when we are in our heads basically.

Another result of our stress is that when we're stressed and have anxiety,

We're not so happy.

And when we're not so happy,

We're less enjoyable to be around.

So maybe you work in a company,

You work as part of a team.

Well are your teammates,

Are your coworkers likely to want you around and spend time with you and be on your team when you're filled with stress and anxiety or when you're feeling liked and relaxed and happy?

Well,

Probably when you're relaxed and happy.

So it's easier to get ahead in that sort of way.

And will your boss like you more if you're more stressed or whether you can talk and chat?

If you go into a client presentation,

Are you going to do better in your presentation if you're really stressed or if you're relaxed and free and light with them and enjoying yourself?

Most of the time when you're light and not feeling stressed and unhappy,

You're more likely to get the client,

Get the promotion,

Get the whatever,

Get what you want at work.

So,

Anxiety,

Even in that way,

Is counter productive at getting what you want.

The last thing we're going to look at with anxiety is simply that when we say anxiety is helpful,

What we're really saying is anxiety will help me get what I want and getting what I want will make me happy.

Right?

So anxiety will help me get a good grade and the good grade will make me happy.

Or anxiety will help me get the new client and getting the new client will make me happy.

So therefore what we're saying,

Anxiety will make me happy.

Skip the middleman.

If you discover how to lose your anxiety now,

Then you can be happy now.

You don't have to wait until you get the outcome you want.

You can just be happy already.

And then the outcome you want becomes less important because you're already happy.

Your happiness isn't on the line.

Your happiness isn't dependent on a future scenario.

Do you see?

And that doesn't mean you won't put in 100% effort like we just spoke about.

You put in more effort,

More time,

More effective,

More efficient,

More everything when you're already happy.

So I hope all that makes sense.

I hope you found it helpful.

I hope it provides you with the relief that you're looking for.

And thank you for watching.

Bye.

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