How To Stop Dimming Your Light & People Pleasing

1:07:11

1:07:11

How To Stop Dimming Your Light & People Pleasing

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The replay of the live session that i hosted where i talked about having relentless amount of inner trust in yourself so that you stop dimming your light. I talk about how our mind creates fear and insecurities which limit the truest version of ourselves. I show you how to deal with it.

Self Esteem People Pleasing Meditation Anxiety Social Media Compassion Self Judgment Self Compassion Mindfulness Inner Peace Recovery Personal Development Self Doubt Social Anxiety Global Compassion Mind Quieting Overcoming Self Doubt Heart Centered Meditations Social Media Impact

Meet your Teacher

London, England, United Kingdom

Meet your Teacher

London, England, United Kingdom

Transcript

On press record okay yeah it's this this mode that we get into which is trying to please others and trying to impress others and i've started becoming so much more aware of it since i've been on this like path let's just call it because my whole history let's just say my whole challenges and the reason why i'm here today is because i had so many challenges with my self-esteem with like believing i was worthy or anything or enough so i spent my whole life trying to impress people and trying to get acceptance and worried about what people think and it was just so it was just so much that i didn't really know who i was you know i didn't know who i was so it would always be like oh that person's doing that cool maybe i should do something like that or i'd see someone doing something and i'll feel like i'm left out or i'm you know why aren't i doing that or i'm not doing that or i'm not as good as them and stuff like that right and with this day and age and social media is it's even bigger because there's like all sorts of stuff on social media these days like sometimes i see people just dancing like just like dancing and then these random words pop up next to them of like i don't know motivational words and i'm like what is going on like it's a it's a mad place social media and we see the things that people are like sometimes people are intentionally posting things that they're only posting that look good you know it's like thought about it's thinking beforehand and then post a lot so it can be it can be challenging navigating this world especially when we a lot of us are home and we're just connected through the internet and stuff like that and yeah this this thing of trying to impress people like i i remember when i used to hang out with like male friends a lot and there would be this stuff about like how's your work going actually this is not even just male friends now now i think about it it's not even just male friends it's family it's aunts it's it's anyone right it's anyone i can think of this like oh what you're doing oh tell me more about that and it's just like this competing nature of like to be better than the other person trying to impress the other person and someone feeling bad about themselves and it's like this i'm not saying this is every conversation but some it pops up maybe even subconsciously and i remember because i had such bad self-esteem and social anxiety and stuff like that if anyone asked me how how's things going with your work or with that or with whatever something personal about me i would just freeze i would just find it very uncomfortable because i would feel like i'm under pressure you know it feels like there's this this this need to prove myself and i i i think with most people this is the case to some extent like forever trying to prove and fit in and that's why we go and please people and that's why we dim our light as well sometimes i'm not saying this is like a like a default mode and everyone's doing this but i don't know you guys let me know is this something that you feel comes up sometimes for you just put a yes or something in the chat and then i'll continue you know the other thing i remember when i would talk about like what i'm up to or i'd just be around other people and you know whatever right and i'd dim my own light and my story i wouldn't make myself look good because i'd feel bad about you know i'd feel bad about talking about myself and showing like the cool things i'm doing dimming the light dimming the light that's in there that wants to come out thank you has yeah yeah it's it's it just happens because there's these patterns that are built into us and then we'll go into this thing of like judgment against ourselves right judging and thinking and why am i like this what's this oh maybe i need to go and do some intensive work on myself or or go and um look at my shadow and all that stuff right and i'm not saying that's that's not useful i i definitely did all of that stuff but it stops becoming useful when it becomes this like obsession with something's wrong with me something's wrong with me i think that's the key with all of this personal development stuff what i realized after all these years is that if it's this forever search of like something i need to change about myself something is not right something is wrong just the act of doing it is an affirmation of yeah something's wrong with me and that took me a while to just to let that land and i think the the focus should be on coming back to that light that has been dimmed because nothing's wrong it's just it's just that the light is covered imagine i i got a cloth and there was this light or i got those pillows and there's this light and i just covered the light with all the pillows we wouldn't know the lights there then right where is this light that you talk of raj i don't have a light i just have all my problems i have all my worries and fears that's the way i like to approach this this world of personal development or spirituality whatever you want to call it is to focus light finding the light because that's the reason we go and like do things like people please and impress people because it feels like something is missing it feels like something's missing and then it feels like there's this unworthiness to talk about ourselves and and make ourselves or even just like talk about the good things that are going on and and just be bold about it the amount of times i've asked people what are your strengths there's always hesitation always some kind of hesitation ask you let me ask you now what are your strengths you don't have to answer that but just feel free to ask me what are your strengths you don't have to answer that but just feel it inside what are your strengths that you're 100% confident in that you would bet your life savings on those strengths are what you've got to feel into what would you bet your life savings on so that's how sure you are these strengths if i asked you what are the things that you are challenged by i'm pretty sure you'd find that easier right and then there's all this like conversations around on the internet and research which has has yeah of course it's proven that we've got this this negativity bias that we talk about right this bias which says that we're looking for a way to make ourselves more confident that we're looking for things that are wrong and we are forever in like safety mode and survival and danger i'm not saying that's not a thing but what's the point talking about it what's the point focusing on it point using that as validation as as an escape oh yeah it's the it's the um it's the fear mode it's the biological wiring i have to look out for danger and negativity don't wear that like a badge and the reason i say this because i've done this as well you know everything i say i don't have a script i don't even know what i'm gonna say when i do these sessions ever i just speak through experiences from me and from like people i'm people i'm coaching and what i what i know so that's why all this stuff's happening because of the mind the mind is a challenging thing we have right trying to fit in feeling complete dimming our light so we don't shine that light into others eyes right don't want to shine that light in people's eyes they might get they might hurt their eyes right i don't want to talk about how good my life's going when this person's you know something's going wrong i don't want to talk about myself full stop i don't know what my strengths are the light is being dimmed thanks dave so what do you do about this i think the first thing is to acknowledge acknowledge that yeah i am having these challenges and these fears and and stuff i am feeling uncomfortable i am dimming my light accept it not acknowledge it they say when you bring the unconscious into the conscious that's when you start becoming free but again i don't think that's enough because it's like hey imagine i knew all the reasons why i was having anxiety challenges social anxiety i knew it most of you guys probably know to some extent oh yeah because of this stuff that happened in your childhood or you know you might have talked to a therapist the therapist might have helped you to understand yourself a bit better that's great you now have the knowledge you know but that doesn't always help you move forward to move forward and be free from it that's why the way i approach this is yeah understand all this stuff but also find that light find that light that has been that feels like it's lost or doesn't exist and i think how it starts is i think what's helped me a lot is tapping into this thing we call love not like hey like a love movie not like let's watch a movie about love and romance i really mean like heart and heart and soul that that energy that's there compassion and they're so powerful as well and they're so powerful as well when you do this thing of going into other people's shoes because i know there's a big focus about self-compassion and there's like you know big programs about this out there at the moment very important to have self-compassion but again i don't think it's enough there's there's a few times i'm saying it's not enough in this call right and i'm not saying like to completely like say all these things are are not useful i'm just telling you what i think is is gonna take you to the next level and elevate your your growth so self-compassion is great but i think compassion on a whole getting out of the self because self is what got us in the challenge in the first place self-compassion is like is great like i said but self is where the challenge is lying with dimming our light with being too much in our heads with thinking other people are this when thinking that they're thinking something about us is because we're trapped in self so it's great to give yourself love give yourself compassion but there has to be a compassion for life itself for everything that's why i that's why i go back to that word love and i struggled to even say the word love for a long time because i was like what what what does this mean how can i say this to the world how can i make this make more sense and i felt uncomfortable saying it for a long time but that's the only word that can describe this and when i say compassion for everyone it's like the people that you think are judging you or the people you think you need to impress or the people that you think are taking your energy away i know that's real for sure like there are people taking our energy away but it's still created within us it's still our responsibility even if someone else is taking our energy away that doesn't exist if it doesn't exist within us so when i say compassion is going into the shoes of those people even i spent a long time actually doing this practice where i would go into i would practice compassion for people that really annoyed me it was tough i'll be honest with you it was tough but i had to like imagine like what is going on in their world what is causing them to be this way you have to be like sherlock holmes the detective what is why you know you get out yourself again it's not about hey they're doing this to me or the world is doing this to me or my past did this to me my parents did this to me yeah all of those things happened so again i'm not disrespecting anyone here i'm not disrespecting you or anyone else i'm that is definitely valid and true but i'm coming from a place of you are here now you're present you're having challenges within yourself what do we do about this you know because for example when i'm coaching people so i was coaching someone the other day and actually let's just make it generic so i don't get too specific but when i'm coaching people when i'm coaching people there's this tendency to like come in to a session with me and then it's like just talking about all these problems so like angry and upset and i want to i want to be there for them for that part of it right so it can come out but then it's like hey what do we do about this now what do you want to do do you just want to be here in your pain or what do you what what should we do so that's the next step that's the step of you taking your power back because this whole stuff of like trying to please others is because it feels like it feels like we're not at peace with ourselves there's a war going on inside you know the way to to end the war is i help someone else help me end the war i need someone else to come in and help me i need to get them on board i need some kind of validation i need um to you know all this all this stuff this is why we go into that pleasing mode where and generally people that are loving and are connected to that deeper part of themselves they will be pleasers because that's that's the love showing up somehow right but in in a way that it feels incomplete so yeah if someone said in the chat it affects it affects us empaths greatly yeah if you're sensitive sometimes it can just hit you you know and there's more of a need then to feel accepted and someone said in my experience if i annoy if someone annoys me i have the same trait yeah that's such an interesting point and i remember this hit this hit me a while back as well it's like it's like the way somebody is is not fitting into your model of how people should be that's the first part you're not fitting into my model it's like imagine if you had a house and you wouldn't let people into your home unless they wore a certain piece of clothing that's what it that's what this is really that's what this is when we're getting angry at people for not being how we want them to be you don't come into my home unless you wear a white t-shirt with a star in the middle otherwise you're not good you're not my people i'm not my people i can't trust you i'm gonna be i'm gonna be cautious around you i'm not gonna open myself up to you because you're not fitting into my model and then they might have a model again right they have their way of seeing the world so then they're not letting you into some part of themselves and then there's this whole like nothing's happening you know there's conversations where and i have these i have these and i have these i have these sometimes where it's just like what what's going on i don't feel any energy from this conversation but what has to happen at that point is you have to be the leader who takes ownership of things it's no good just sitting there complaining about how things are bad in your life you know i've and this again is this is this might sound judgmental um i apologize if it does but it's really just i don't want people to live that way because i i lived that way for a while of like have my way and i i stayed in this box so i avoided situations people jobs things i wanted to do in life i just avoided it i didn't do it because there was this fear what will people think am i worthy am i good enough no i have just have to fit into this and that and that but once you once you connect to this thing that connects you to everyone it's like all this all these ideas drop it's funny because we we're from different nations and different races and genders and whatever else right but we got so much more in common than we have different even if we just think of like what's happening today i'm just looking at the screen and there's different faces different even the different photos different countries but look we're all in one place and if you just times that if you amplify that with your how you're seeing everyone these these ideas just drop your perspective starts changing and i'm not saying hey you come to this session with me today and your whole life changes maybe it does that'd be great you know maybe you maybe you leave this session and you've like something has just flipped that that happens sometimes and it's happened to me when i've heard other people before maybe it does and if it does i'd love to hear you know i'd love to hear what happened but maybe it doesn't maybe you're just like you're kind of like taking in bits of it and yeah maybe it takes a takes a while for this to sink in but i guess the key thing that i want to just drill home is that yeah you have to you have to like just firstly face what's happening facing what is going on with your mind how it functions how it works understand you know that it's there but then you have to take the i like to call it take the role of the commander you have to be the commander of the mind it's like a um it's like a it's like a wild horse a blind wild horse let's call it a blind wild horse that's a wild horse that's a wild horse a blind wild horse who's just running around crazy it's got a lot of power it's got a lot of stamina it will keep going it will keep you know making noise but that's because it doesn't have someone on its back to command it and that's that's where you come in from the heart from this place of compassion from this place of like looking at things from a bigger perspective than yourself and there's other things that come in here like tapping into your your creativity your playfulness your fun the life inside you however that looks for you right and i'm not telling i'm not telling you exactly like ways to do this because you're all different but i'm guessing some of this is landing and then you get out of this place of comparing because you just do your thing and you see the other person as a human doing their thing having their human challenges in life you know it doesn't matter how how much authority or how someone might act or whatever they might do they still have to have they still have to eat sleep they have to go to the bathroom they have to brush their teeth wear clothes hopefully hopefully those last two things so those the fundamentals we have in common you keep coming back to that the way i do it is every morning i have this this practice of um this part of my practice is is like loving compassion practice well i'll start off like just sensing the energy in my heart let's do that now actually let's let's do that right now while you're listening we'll make it short so do whatever you got to do do whatever you got to do to just get into a comfortable space just start noticing your breath everything i've said so far just let it fall you don't need to do anything somewhere inside you it will connect don't think about it let it fall let it drop and just listen to your breath so see if you can notice your breath in your stomach so notice the ground beneath you notice the skies above you space and now go to the center of those two things the heart see if you can notice your breath in your heart in your heart stop trying so hard so hard slow down and now think of somebody in your life that you have love for feel them in your heart picture them in front of you smiling laughing and even crying just feel their emotions feel their pain and feel their joy so feel your connection to them imagine looking them in the eyes feel it in your heart so now start imagining different people in your life just let them come into your awareness feel the life in them and your connection to them whether this is colleague friend friend this could be somebody you haven't spoken to for a long time someone that you had a connection with maybe when you were even younger to start connecting to people sending them love so now imagine your heart could expand to everyone on your street everyone in your town heart expanding everyone in your city now imagine the entire country just imagine people from different parts sending them love imagine expanding that to the continent that you're in start just picturing random countries near you imagine what these people look like in those countries what they're doing right now send them love so now imagine the entire earth including the oceans the animals the land everything connect to it with love stay here for a few more moments feeling your heart and feel grateful for yourself for this moment and for everything you have right now and when you're ready you can start to come back and open your eyes let me know how that went for you so so i can't see any comments yet unless everyone's zenned out zenned out and blissed out or asleep who knows that can happen too it's funny because sometimes when you meditate or you do these practices your body feels tired after because the mind had been keeping you awake once that mind quietens down you're like whoa i'm actually pretty tired i should give my body a rest when you come back to that intuition that's happened to me a few times for sure all right so that's the practice that you just have to do you know it doesn't feel like a chore once you're in it maybe it's difficult maybe it's uncomfortable but that's okay if you do this for like five minutes each day really practice it you're going to be really practice it you're going to start noticing slowing down this kind of practice understanding yourself figuring out what you want to do with your life moving past those blocks creating new beliefs and yeah just looking after your health that stuff if you have if you practice that stuff then you're on your way to like wherever you want to go in life whether that means i want to be a highly driven career person you still need this stuff you know or whether you just you know whatever you're doing in life these kind of skills and this kind of development is becoming i i would call it essential more than like physical health all this focus on physical health and looking good but that's i think that's secondary now because the body will follow the command of the inside the inner master and that's how you go from from pleasing people and from trying to impress and feeling like you are not whole to just being there you go there it's not like something you have to spend decades on you know that's the challenge that sometimes people propose to me they say well this is a lifetime's worth of work it doesn't have to be yeah i'm i'm still developing and still growing i'm not saying i'm i'm done or anything but i'm saying the development process can can speed up depending on how you do it and if you're doing the right things if you have some kind of like discipline yeah that process speeds up it doesn't have to be decades worth of work that you do but it's not like you're doing the right thing and you're not doing the right thing and you're not doing the right work that you do i've seen things shift in people three months things that they've said to me wow that's been with me for as long as i had known it just takes like doing the right things and you're having some like some way to release yourself from these these things that the mind creates so i think that's it for now i'm gonna open up for questions if anyone has a question please write question because it makes it easier for me to find um anyone have any questions about this what is happening for you what are you challenged this is your opportunity to just ask it right now and yeah i can help you move forward with that and the other thing is i invite people to message me contact me and i've started doing that because i remember when i was going through challenges i wouldn't have invited i wouldn't have sorry reached out to a person i would have just been like oh yeah okay cool that was a cool session and just tried to just deal with everything on my own that's okay as well right but yeah i'm just i just want to say there's an invitation reach out to me what are your challenges what do you need some help with i have a bunch of resources and like documents and videos and other people's videos that i found useful books um like credit books because i read a lot to send you so think of it as you have a challenge you have a desire you can ask me and i'll i'll send you something or we can have a one-to-one conversation maybe i can help you with that if you'd like some help so that's my invitation guys and the way to reach me is instagram raj gorsea um that's the best place to reach me and i'm doing a 30 days worth of stories this month on the the body and how that connects with your spirit and your so every day i'm making a video on that if you want if you're interested i've also got a highlight reel on there called 30 days ego talks where i talked about the ego for 30 days and i've also got a highlight reel on there with all the books that i recommend there's like at least 80 books or something there i've written a little personal note about why this book is good why i think it's useful so check me out raj gorsea instagram or you can message me on insight timer directly um or you can find me on whatever else facebook you could just google my name if you want so yeah look forward to speaking you want to right otherwise what else yeah let's see what questions we have so naomi says i'm feeling restless i was furloughed then terminated during the pandemic i'm having a challenge trying to find a new course in my life okay yeah how do i let go of my past and embrace where i am now i feel like i'm mourning my past life wow that's such a that's such a really good point the word mourning your past life that's the thing this this is the process that happens actually so i'm so glad you said that that's the process that happens when you start um waking up let's just use those two words you know i'm sometimes i'm reluctant to use those like those type of that type of language of like waking up awakening but let's just say yeah you're in this place of you're discovering new things you're opening up and it's scary because everything you knew is changing this happened to me for sure everything i knew was changing i was starting to see things differently and i was getting tense you know inside i was feeling tension and anxiety and and like frustration and anger as well came up because the past was no longer serving me and it felt quite like unsettling even friends people you know i didn't feel like i was i didn't feel like hanging around with them the things i used to do i used to like i was heavily into like bodybuilding and i was massive and all of that i wasn't interested in that anymore um i used to run a lot i stopped caring about that it seemed crazy to me to run so things start changing like my whole diet changed um the way i saw my life changed i felt like i didn't have a purpose as well so the reason i'm saying all this is that firstly it's okay for you to feel that way so there's nothing you have to try and change that and try and like and try and like work out why am i why are wondering it feels so difficult well that's just the process you're going through and i think it's a good thing and yeah you have to mourn the past it's it's honestly like mourning mourning um yeah like if if a death occurred it's like mourning that i think it has to happen for you to have a healthy move on and most people they get stuck in between so they don't get to where they want to be but then they can't go back to the past so it's like just like stuck in this middle place this middle ground that's where most people get stuck and i was stuck there for a long time for sure of like what is my life just feels so unsettling here's the thing i'll say to you firstly it's great to be in this place where you can rethink your life you can reshape your life and you have to just think like what do i want to do what do i want to do versus what should i do when we grow up as adults we turn into shoulds when we were younger we were wanting things should based on what we mentally think is a good idea versus want to so that's the first invitation i have for you and everyone here what is your want to versus your should and then it's it's just playing in this place of exploration of really feeling into these new things really feeling into this new life and being okay with what you're leaving behind without like judging it and saying look i want i went through this phase as well of like judging everything in the past judging people that will not like me anymore you know that that's a that's a place i hear a lot from people like oh these people are not like me they don't get me they they drive me mad they're bringing me bad vibes and i have to protect myself from my and i have to protect my energy from everyone well that's you who's feeling that so it has to be ownership there you have to own this own this protecting from everything doesn't feel like fun but when you don't when you cease the need for protection that's when you become free so what i'm trying to say here is play in this place you are naomi and drop me a message if you want i can i can send you something that will help you get to this like place of trying to figure out where to go because like i said i've been down this road a few times and it doesn't feel nice um but i think it's simpler than it might feel that's all i know stuckness yeah it doesn't feel nice it's simpler than it feels like and you just have to find that part of you inside that knows that just knows let's just say so i hope that helped and let me see what else came up um um okay so so somebody called i'm not sure the name but it says l1 he says does that make sense so if i'm in sort of loving kindness also does that make sense that my brother and i have not spoken for over a year okay so yeah if you if you want to connect with your brother and you do want to feel like you do want to have this connection then i think it would help because you are connecting to what you feel for him rather than the situation and what he's done what he's done or what you've done or the thing that's happened between you two you're coming back home to the the true connection you have so i i think it can be useful to just go back to that that the foundation of you and this person despite what might have happened if you want to because maybe you don't want to right so that's that's the question so i hope that helps okay next question sim hello sim so what was the question might you elaborate what's the question sim because i don't think i can find it up above let's have a look um thank you for everyone's comments by the way and i've just read through the ones that i missed i really appreciated it and i'm really happy to hear that you guys have been doing a great job of making this video and i'm really excited to see you guys in the next video i've just read through the ones that i missed i really appreciate it it seems like everyone's having a good time that's the main thing okay so your question is might you elaborate on what you said before about dimming our light to avoid hurting others yeah what would you like to know about that what would you like me to elaborate on specifically because i i could go into the whole thing but yeah i think what's better for you right what do you think will be most useful for you and then i'll come back to that anyone else have any questions please tell me in the chat i'll have space to answer maybe one or two more before we close soon yeah and this this whole thing sim about dimming our light to avoid hurting others or like we feel like we i don't know what it is for everyone but it's usually this feeling of i'm not sure of myself or i'm not sure it's okay to put my brightness on full because there's acting confident there's this act that we can do right that's one way but then there's this whole other thing of like pure openness within oneself like real expression that's when we are just being our fullest self i i when i started doing all this stuff on social media i got all these messages from people i knew or used to know saying oh my god i can't believe that this is you've changed so much or yeah and then i saw people that i knew and they were like i can't believe you've changed so much used to be like this and yeah just all these like all these comments and um yeah it was it was just really interesting because i thought to myself why don't i care what they think because i used to i used to care what people think a lot but now it's because i'm coming from a place of authenticity i'm not trying to act or be like a certain way because that's when that's when things are challenging when we're trying to be a certain way because it's like it's like imagine an actual actor or an actress they're trying to remember lines they're trying not to screw this up they're trying to like make sure they get it right that's stressful of course it's stressful to be that way because we don't this is not really who we are but when we go back to who we really are there's it's not difficult because that's always been there it's just there you know it's freeing actually it feels like a massage it feels like a massage to let this out of yourself you know it just when it comes out it feels it feels so nice it's like a musician singer who's singing you know when you're really expressing yourself you feel like an artist and you're you're getting your paintbrush out through your voice that's the place i'm talking about going to and this is not like hey you have to be an enlightened yogi or a buddha to do this no it's we're doing this sometimes in our lives and we know that's there it's just coming back to it it's not something we have to create or something we we have to like like build or i guess what i'm trying to say is it's not something that we don't already have it's there but it's just covered up that's all so that's what i mean when we're beaming our full light it can't be stopped and it's not difficult because it's the truth the truth sets us free right that's a saying and it does it's the it's the highest feeling but when we're trying to act a certain way when we're unsure of what we're saying when we're doubting ourselves then it feels difficult to be like ourselves then it feels difficult then it feels like we're wrong then it feels like saying this thing to that person might be might not be nice because it feels like there's doubt so that's that that's the thing to work on right the doubt and i i had to do a ton of work on that by the way um i like to make this clear to everyone when i'm saying these things like i i didn't just wake up or i didn't just do a bunch of yoga and and meditate and everything changed no i had to i had to really do this work on myself um and uncover that that all this stuff i'm talking about right all right so one more question i'm gonna take um let me see let me see let me see so so okay arlene says i meditate yet why do i feel unsettled inside like i should be doing something and mel says how do you how to find inner peace wiggling in your external environment like home good questions i think your questions combined have answers in each of them so mel says how to find inner peace when you're struggling in your external environment home and arlene says i meditate yet why do i feel unsettled inside like i should be doing something i think the thing in common there is like this doing something part because mel if you're trying to find inner peace at home there's like franticness everywhere or whatever it might be right you have to go into the mode of finding space to just be and this doesn't mean you have to meditate by the way yeah i i guide meditations but the reason why i didn't want to exclusively be a meditation teacher is because i think there's more to to um our transformation and our life than that it's a tool it's a tool it's a tool all of this stuff on insight timer is a tool but i wanted to become a coach because that's about transformation in life as a whole so i say that because if you're feeling like if you're feeling like there's no space at home to do that um arlene then you have to create that you have to create that for yourself or mel sorry that was some way somehow even if this is the first thing you do for example one of my clients said the same thing she said i don't know when to do this i can't and i said do you brush your teeth she said yeah of course i said okay so how about before you brush your teeth you do five minutes of meditation there's nothing she could say to me about that there's no way you can get out of that there's nothing no excuse you can say five minutes or when you're in bed before you get up lie down do some kind of practice while you're in bed that's a way to work on the inner peace mel or before you go to bed at night something you can do that's another way but then in your daytime find little pockets i like to call it micro vision you're not physically sitting down but maybe you're going for a walk maybe you're finding a minute before you do things to just pause like before you get up off your chair just sit there for 30 seconds in silence okay now i'll go so you have to create it your environment can't it can't stop you if you go into creator mode and i know i know it's hard for some people of course i i understand that but if you really want this you make it happen you can't be half in and half out otherwise it nothing works nothing happens so that's that's my answer i hope that helps um and when arlene you say it feels like you should be doing something that's that's why these things like meditation mindfulness are so difficult because they're reminding us that we don't have to do something it's a reminder to not do anything it's a training of not doing nothing really it's it's so uncomfortable so challenging but that's why it's good because there's this whole day of doing stuff even on the phone that's doing stuff just thinking that's doing stuff it's just we can't just let sleep be the only time that we rest you know we can't just let sleep be the only time that we rest you know and here's the thing i'm going to end on actually now i'm talking on sleep and i'm on a roll on this one sleep shouldn't be the only time to get rest because this is why sometimes we wake up feeling not fully recovered or vibrant because even if there's eight hours of sleep if there's been a day of stress or you're thinking about stuff at night time your sleep quality is going to be bad or you're going to have a bunch of dreams because your dreams are trying to do the work for you now your dreams are doing overtime because you you know you're taking it to bed with you so then you wake up like oh my god i'm exhausted or you're waking up in the middle of the night that kind of stuff if you make pockets of space five minutes i don't know a few times a day that's going to improve your sleep and you're going to save you you probably don't need to sleep that's why this whole quota of you need eight hours of sleep is not actually true it's true generically if you were going to ask a doctor and he had a you know 10 000 people that are doing the same thing okay maybe that's useful but it all depends on the quality of your sleep what are you taking to bed with you what is still working through your dreams so i've reduced my sleep um in the past few years because i don't need it anymore i still need to sleep but i wake up better if i have this kind of like just 10 minute wind down routine before bed and try and like let go of the day somehow so that's the last thing i want to end on it might not relate to some of you you might be like oh yeah whatever raj yeah you're you're talking you're talking something that doesn't exist but you just have to try it you just have to try it and see what happens so i think that's everything from today i hoped that helped and yeah there's no magic secret to not being a people pleaser and having these things like of getting anxious around others and all that there's no magic there's nothing there's no like quick tip it's just the overall inner overall inner inner peace like i said before versus the inner war and then you yeah it ends up slowing down