86. Where There’s A Will, There’s A Way: 10 Steps To Strengthen Your Willpower

We believe that we are meant to have the most amazing gratification,

The most amazing blessings,

But the path to achieving that goes through a process of delay,

What we call being able to restrict.

And that unless you are finding ways to restrict small and great,

You're not really able to ever come to a state of real gratification.

Welcome to the Spiritfully Hungry Podcast,

Episode 86 on our new and improved studio.

Yes,

The past month we were traveling literally London,

Mexico,

New York,

LA.

Nice to be back in the studio.

It is nice.

The two of us.

So today we're going to talk about the consciousness of self-control and willpower and really how do we get to a place of long-term fulfillment.

So willpower,

Why is it so important?

It is probably the most important thing.

Really?

Can't wait to hear your take on it.

Because I think it's the lack of having willpower that usually gets us in a lot of trouble.

Self-control is a factor in common struggles,

Although I don't think it's the cause of it,

But these are the common struggles that most people feel like they need more willpower in facing addiction,

Overeating,

Crime,

Domestic violence,

Debt,

Unwanted pregnancy,

And underperformance at school and work.

Self-control is the ability to manage one's impulses,

Emotions,

And behaviors to achieve long-term goals.

And it's also defined as the ability to delay gratification and resist unwanted behaviors and urges.

So I think everybody struggles with this in some way.

Of course.

I would say,

Again,

It's at the seed of anything negative that happens.

And also I think that willpower and discipline are cousins,

Close siblings,

Because you need both or you need that kind of behavior.

Willpower is central for planning,

For avoiding doing or saying things that we would regret later,

And for managing emotions.

And there was a survey in 2011 in the American Psychology Association.

They said 27% of people faulted willpower or lack of willpower for not achieving their goals.

That's a high number.

27?

You would think it would be more?

Yeah.

I think that's the ones that were honest about it.

Right.

And I think that's the way,

And we'll talk about this hopefully a little bit more,

Is that one can trace back.

.

.

I need help with that one more.

I think that that's the goal of this afternoon.

Is that at the root of all failure,

Again,

Achieving personal goals or any type of failure in life stems from the inability to,

I would say,

Master,

But use control or willpower,

As in Kabbalistic terms we often refer to it,

As not being reactive.

Right.

So I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of the writer versus the elephant.

The writer versus the elephant.

I'm not sure in what context.

Not writer,

But the writer.

Oh,

Writer,

Elephant.

No.

Great.

I love teaching you new things.

I love learning new things from you.

Something that Jonathan Haidt wrote about in his book,

The Happiness Apotheosis,

He likens our gut,

Which by the way,

I don't think it's enough credit because it really is our first brain.

I mean,

Really,

You know,

We talk about intuition and that feeling in your stomach and butterflies.

It's because the gut actually has a lot more nerve endings than the brain even.

And it's getting information all the time.

We usually don't access that.

So anyway,

He likens our gut to an elephant.

And the writer is our brain.

The writer is our conscious mind.

It's rational and analytical,

And it knows better than to binge eat five cupcakes.

The writer also knows it's a wonderful idea to get exercise every day.

Our elephant represents our body consciousness.

It's emotional,

Intuitive and seemingly irrational.

The elephant,

Who not coincidentally is much stronger than the writer,

Generally does what the writer requests right up until it sees all of those cupcakes.

And if the writer and the elephant aren't in sync,

The writer can just forget about exercising any control over that situation.

So to keep the writer and the elephant in harmony,

The elephant needs to listen to the writer.

So you have to listen to all parts of you.

And I talk about this a lot in relationships also,

That they're forever changing.

And when we think that they're not and they're stable,

That's when we get into trouble.

So you need to give yourself that feedback,

Body,

Mind and spirit to make sure that they're working together because they can't work in opposing ways.

More importantly,

The point you're making is that the writer in your example has to be in control of the elephant.

Right?

Yes.

So think about a struggle that you have or.

.

.

Me right now?

You and our listeners.

Because we all have weaknesses,

Right?

For some it isn't cupcakes,

It's overspending or it's sitting on the couch and watching,

Binge watching rather than going to the gym.

Or overthinking.

Overthinking is a good one.

So these failings are not because you're lazy or even necessarily a lack of willpower solely,

But because there isn't a good relationship between the writer and the elephant.

They're not communicating to one another.

So for instance,

Imagine a child throwing a tantrum in a store.

We've all seen this.

For me personally,

I find it quite entertaining.

And also I'm a little jealous of the child that gets to just,

You know,

Do whatever they want and vomit their emotions as they feel and release them.

But we've seen that.

And we've also seen an exasperated parent lose it on the child that's having a tantrum.

And they might scold them or speak harshly,

Especially if they're embarrassed in public.

They might even spank them.

And I'm not going to go into the psychology of parenting,

What that looks like.

But it's safe to say that this is not the last tantrum that the child will ever have.

And this is probably not the best way to handle it.

So if the parent took a moment to comfort the child,

Listen to their needs and take a few calm moments with them,

The behavior is not going to escalate.

And they're also will prevent it probably in the future or be able to know how to handle it.

I remember years ago,

Abigail was having a tantrum.

She just was upset.

I remember she was in the kitchen on the floor.

So I remember like stopping.

I was not reactive.

I just was observing.

And I realized that what she was needing was a hug.

She just needed a hug.

And so I went and I held her and I hugged her and she completely melted.

And it just passed.

She couldn't express what she was desiring.

All right.

And anyway,

I handled that with her from then on out and it always worked.

So if you look at these two scenarios and you keep them in mind,

How do you talk to yourself when you overspend,

Overeat,

Under exercise?

Right.

I mean,

I think that's we have to stop and say,

OK,

What is my ride or elephant relationship?

Think of these behaviors as your elephant throwing a tantrum.

For most people,

Their self-talk is incredibly harsh and cruel,

Like the parent who lost in the supermarket,

Except 10 times worse because we wouldn't say or judge others really as harshly as we do ourselves.

Like the,

You know,

The voice that we have that says,

Why are you so fat?

Why are you so weak?

Why are you such a loser?

The better question is,

Why on earth would you speak to yourself this way when you would never speak to anybody else?

So the harsh talk is your rider berating your elephant.

The elephant's a lot bigger and a lot stronger.

And as you're probably catching on,

It doesn't have to listen to you.

So if you treat the elephant like the parent in the second scenario and you treat yourself with understanding and love,

Then the relationship between body and mind,

Elephant and rider really become in harmony with one another.

So I think that's the first pace to start,

Because willpower is not just an exercise of strength.

And actually,

Genetically,

Some people are better at this just off the bat.

But we know that we can change anything.

But it's not just.

.

.

But there's also research that actually how a person grows up as well influences.

.

.

A thousand percent.

By the way,

It affects.

.

.

.

.

.

To develop willpower in many areas.

And it affects genetics over decades,

Right,

With each generation,

Because there's epigenetics.

And so all of that is important,

And I want to go into it.

But there's so many ways that we can set ourselves up for success when it comes to willpower.

So I think,

As I said in the beginning.

.

.

So how is your rider-elephant relationship?

Hopefully,

Always evolving,

Right?

And they think that one of the things to realize is that the control of the rider over the elephant is in your example.

But really,

The control of our.

.

.

I would say our more elevated conscious self over the reactive unconscious part of us is,

Again,

One of the most important keys to life as we want it to be lived.

Relationships,

Business,

Happiness,

All of that very much can be correlated to how well we are controlling or really taking control over,

In your example,

The elephant.

And so is there a scenario where you feel that the elephant is winning?

Elephant is winning.

I'm sure there always is.

You want me to give a specific example?

Sure.

I'll raise an example.

Well,

I think,

Again,

I'm not sure if I should.

Any time,

Even with our children,

Right,

That there is an issue,

Right,

The immediate reaction is to be reactive to it.

Like in the example you gave recently,

We were flying with one of our kids and she wasn't.

She gets concerned if we're late for flights.

Concerned is an understatement.

Okay.

Trying to protect the innocent.

So one way,

And I find myself really having this internal conversation,

How much do you fall into that emotional cycle or how strong are you to step out of it and be able to deal with it in a way that's non-reactive?

Well,

Part of that story is she woke up the day we were about to fly with a nightmare she had about the flight.

And so she's telling me this and I'm thinking,

Hmm,

Do I take it either seriously or do I just comfort her and realize this is her subconscious mind because she's afraid and whatever.

But yeah,

For a second I was like,

Maybe we should change our flight.

Yeah.

As an example,

You want to share?

I think we're going to move on to the next thing.

Yeah.

So why is this so important?

So I'd like to give a little bit of a,

What I would say would be a scientific background and then a spiritual background to this understanding.

So there's a great book again,

Which I do strongly recommend,

The Marshmallow Test.

I think you might've mentioned it in previous podcasts and it's based on a very well-known scientist.

His name was Walter Mischel.

I'm going to get hungry because you were talking about marshmallows and I'm going to talk about chocolate chip cookies in a second.

So again,

It's a very famous test that he did with really preschool kids at Stanford University at the nursery there.

And though if you haven't seen it,

There's somebody who,

One of his,

I think students recreated the things,

Maybe some YouTube videos.

The basic structure of the test is this,

What came out to be this,

Although it's interesting he talks about how it evolved.

You sit a kid,

A series of kids in a room,

You put one marshmallow in front of them and you tell them,

You can have this marshmallow now by ringing this bell or if you wait 10 minutes,

15 minutes until I come back in the room,

You'll get two marshmallows.

And so obviously some kids couldn't resist.

After one minute of the proctor walking out of the room,

They rang the bell,

They had the marshmallow and of course others were able to wait longer and longer and longer.

That's delayed gratification.

The ability even within a child to say,

If I can have something better later,

I'd rather wait and delay my gratification rather than having a smaller amount of enjoyment right now.

And that again,

As I said,

I do recommend reading this book because it gives us a lot of insight into the psychological and really natural reasons and ways by which we fall into instant gratification and maybe learn to delay gratification and receive even more.

But what I think is maybe the most powerful insight from Mitchell's studies is the following,

And I'm quoting from the book.

What the preschoolers did as they tried to keep waiting and how they did or did not manage to delay gratification unexpectedly turned out to predict much about their future lives.

How amazing is that?

You could tell at age of five,

Four,

Those who had an ability to delay gratification,

Had the ability to control their immediate impulses in life were much more successful.

How crazy is that?

And by the way,

Now obviously most of all this- It's not surprising to me though.

It's not surprising at all,

But it's,

I think hopefully eyeopening for all of us in the understanding of the importance of this part of our lives.

Meaning the question that I hope all of us,

Myself included,

Come away from this podcast asking is,

How do I gain even more control?

Because this is one of the secrets to a successful life.

But let me just read the rest.

The more seconds they waited at age four or five,

The higher their SAT scores and the better they rated their rated social and cognitive functioning in adolescence.

Crazy.

At age 27 to 32,

Those who had waited longer during the marshmallow test in preschool had a lower body mass index and a better sense of self-worth.

Pursued their goals more effectively and cope more adaptively with frustration and stress.

I think again,

Maybe we don't have to say any more words in our podcast except this.

At midlife,

Those who can consistently wait called the high delay versus those who couldn't called low delay were characterized by distinctively different brain scans in areas linked to addictions and obesity.

Wow.

So if you just understand that,

This means again,

As I said before,

And maybe cannot be stated often enough.

If we're talking about our kids,

Certainly this is an area that must be nurtured.

If we're talking about ourselves,

The more successful we desire our lives to be,

The more adept we must become in controlling those basic instincts.

Another element,

Which I think is also interesting,

Is that Mitchell correlates these two aspects,

What you call the elephant and the rider.

In his case,

He calls it the hot and the cold ways of reacting.

So obviously the hot is the,

I need it now,

I want it now.

And the cold is,

I can wait for something even more,

Even better.

And he ties the hot reaction to the limbic system,

Which is sort of the unconscious part of the brain that runs so many of our usual functions,

But it is not coincidentally called the unconscious part of the brain.

It's the more basic and earlier,

At least in evolutionary terms,

The part of our brain that developed earliest.

As we matured as a species,

We developed the prefrontal cortex.

And that is what controls what we call the cold system.

And that is the conscious part of the brain,

Executive function and so on and so forth.

So what I find so fascinating is that the limbic system,

The one that is uncontrolled,

The reactive one we can call the reactive part of our brain,

Stems from the more immature part of our brain,

The one that is,

Again,

Unconscious.

The part that helps us control,

The part that helps us delay gratification for greater gratification in the end,

Is the part that comes from the more developed,

More conscious part of our brain.

Fascinating.

Now,

I'd like to take it to the spiritual understanding,

Which dovetails beautifully with the scientific understanding.

Many of us know,

Even if we're not religious or even spiritual anyway,

The first human story in the Bible.

What's the first human story in the Bible?

It's the story of Adam and Eve.

Again,

Most of you,

If you don't know the story,

It's an interesting story.

There's two people.

Yeah,

They have the apple.

Exactly.

Right away.

Adam and Eve.

And they see a beautiful tree.

And then the snake,

As it's referred to in the Genesis story,

Comes to Eve and says,

Look how beautiful the apple is.

Look how beautiful the tree is.

And on the first day of their life,

As the biblical story is told,

It's a Friday of creation.

They both,

Adam and Eve,

Eat from the fruits of the tree.

And they are then kicked out of the Garden of Eden.

The Kabbalists say that that whole story is about everything we spoke about now.

That it's really,

They were,

As a matter of fact,

They go on to say that that story is not just about food,

Might've been even about sexual connection between Adam and Eve.

And had they waited one day.

That's interesting.

Had they waited one day,

Their coming together,

If it was sexual,

If it was just the eating,

If it was any type of gratification,

Had they waited one period of 24 hours,

They would have remained in the Garden of Eden forever.

This is really the greatest lesson.

Why is that the first story told to us of humans in the Bible,

Right?

They're not coincidental.

No,

It's supposed to teach it's our map for life.

And therefore probably the most important understanding that something's done in the wrong time create the worst darkness,

Negativity.

If you delay that and do it one day later,

It brings the greatest amount of light.

Well,

How is one to know?

Well,

I think you want to become a master,

Not in the Seinfeld where it's a master of your domain,

But those of you who.

.

.

I swear it,

Larry David lives in your head.

Yes.

Everything's a Seinfeld episode.

Yes.

Are you becoming a master of the late gratification?

Because again,

Kabbalists,

To be very clear,

We believe that we are meant to have the most amazing gratification,

The most amazing blessings.

But the path to achieving that goes through a process of delay,

What we call being able to restrict.

And then unless you are finding ways to restrict small and great,

You're not really able to ever come to a state of real gratification.

So it's really,

It's the practice of it,

Right?

Exactly.

It's the practice that actually will eventually help you identify the right time to do something.

I mean,

There's also a Kabbalistic idea that when you're not sure what you should do,

Do nothing at all.

And we practice that all the time.

I remember when we were moving to New York,

We talked about it for like a decade,

Really.

You know,

We want to move to New York,

Should we move this year,

Move that year.

And every time,

We tried like three or four times before we actually moved and it just didn't come together.

And then when it was seemingly the wrong time in the physical way,

Just with a newborn and so many things,

Big family,

For a kid to that point,

Everything started to come together.

So we actually took it as,

Even though this doesn't really feel comfortable and make sense in this moment,

It felt like we were being propelled.

But I think it was the practice.

That's a perfect example because we wanted it,

But we kept pushing it off because it just didn't come together.

It didn't feel right.

And we didn't force it.

Yeah.

And while it's true that in the big decisions of life,

You want to be as unreactive as possible,

I would say the practice as you would call it is daily,

Which means when was the last time you were upset at something?

The internal dialogue that one should have when something upsetting occurs is one second.

These emotions of anger,

Disappointment,

Upset are coming from that unconscious,

The lower part of me.

I don't want to live in that realm.

I want to live in the realm of the higher part of me,

Right?

That means that I restrict as often as possible.

So I think the times to do it aren't the problem.

Meaning most of us could look back at our day yesterday or even the past week and say,

Oh,

Well,

I was reactive there and I was reactive there.

I got angry there.

I got disappointed there.

Our days are filled with opportunity to practice delayed reaction.

But unless we're constantly grabbing those opportunities,

We're never going to develop ourselves to be somebody who can,

Even in more challenging and more challenging and more important times,

Able to delay our reactivity.

So what we're saying is,

And what I would actually ask every one of our listeners right now is think about this day,

This past day,

Or even maybe listening to this in the morning yesterday.

How many times did you react?

And when I say react,

I mean in a way that in retrospect,

I wish I didn't have that cookie.

I wish I didn't yell at that person.

I wish I didn't get sad when that person did that thing or this occurred in my life.

The reason that's so important is because I have to have a new dialogue in my mind,

Which says again,

When somebody just does something,

You know,

Not coincidentally,

Some of you might've heard in the news,

This is already a week later,

But get out of my head,

The Will Smith,

Chris Rock,

I'm sure he has replayed that.

I was just thinking that over and over again in his head,

If he had just been able to pause and not have all these emotions come out of him and just,

You know,

There were so many other ways to handle what he was feeling and it doesn't even matter if he was right or wrong.

It's,

I mean,

Clearly that's just,

We can't do those things.

Right.

Um,

But how many times have we done something where we replayed it?

Well,

If I just been able to take a moment or take a breath or create some space between my emotion and then my action or reaction,

I would have done it so differently.

And the reason you have to practice this so much,

And I want to go back a little bit to the,

To the spiritual aspect.

We spoke about the story of Adam and Eve,

Right?

So they were in a position where they were going to either delay gratification,

Call it,

Have the marshmallow,

Wait for the two marshmallows the next day,

Or they were going to go for the hot,

I need it now.

No,

No,

No,

No restriction.

In that moment,

The Kabbalists say what actually happened is that,

That what is called the snake,

Which really is that other voice in our head,

Which has get angry,

Get sad,

Get disappointed,

Go slap Chris Rock because he just said something about your wife.

Or take the marshmallow because you don't know if you're really going to get two in 10 minutes.

Of course.

All of those are actually not us.

That voice became an intrinsic part of us that feels like it's me who wants to eat this one cookie now or wants to,

Again,

Yell at that person who just did something to me.

That is not you.

As a matter of fact,

That is the force that one can call your greatest enemy.

And this is- I think it's your greatest opportunity for good because it's set up there to teach you and say,

Wait a second,

You need to practice this.

The only way to practice this idea of restriction- Oh,

It's by me giving you this idea,

Of course.

And in that,

No,

I had this idea,

No,

No,

No,

But the truer part of me knows it's not really good,

So I'm going to- and it's that struggle,

That battle that we have within.

When you start winning over and over again,

Then you don't even- it's not such a loud voice anymore.

Right.

But it takes- But is that- that's a very important point.

That voice needs to be in your head in order to allow you to develop your strength to restrict and to ultimately see.

Ultimately,

Ultimately see.

But for instance,

The reason I want to stress that this internal- we need- all of us need to be developing this internal dialogue.

Walter Mitchell use- means this example.

He was trying to live a healthy life and at some- at a certain point he was diagnosed as having Celiac's disease.

And at that- Celiac?

Yeah.

And what he did for him is he realized no longer was bread something not good for him,

But actually became poison.

And that shift of thought,

And he uses this again as a tool and I think for our listeners,

That changed his ability or willpower to be able to resist it.

If something is,

Oh,

Not so good,

Like,

You know,

All the famous jokes or stories of people smoking below the sign or opening up a pack of cigarettes with the horrible pictures that they now have or smoking kills- it's not that people don't know,

I would say for the most part,

Those who smoke on a regular basis,

That in a general sense,

Smoking is bad.

But they look at the cigarette,

They don't see it's bad.

They see,

Oh,

I'm going to enjoy this now in the next two,

Three minutes,

Five minutes.

They connect to how it makes them feel.

In the moment,

But not so- Not the effect of it.

I mean,

We have a friend like that that recently she's trying to quit drinking because- and she actually said exactly what you just said,

We were just in LA and saw her and she said that I just,

You know,

I didn't enjoy it anymore.

So actually it was just,

It became poison in my body because of how it affected her and how she felt when she drank after and the next day and so forth.

So what I'd like to say,

And I hope this is coming out clearly enough,

This internal dialogue is something that we,

You know,

Sometimes I worry people listen to a podcast or even when I give a lecture that,

Oh,

It's a nice concept.

What we're talking about today is not a nice concept.

This is a fundamental shift that every single one of us should be going through if we desire to have more blessings in our lives,

Two marshmallows rather than one,

For example.

And that is the internal dialogue needs to become louder.

Again,

When that thought comes,

Do this,

Stop and say,

This action that you're me,

You can call it,

Or that voice is proposing for me to do is poison for me.

Because if I go down that path of not becoming a master of self-control and a master of restriction,

Then all areas of my life are going to suffer in the long term.

The need for me to become a master of restriction is in order to allow every area of my life to prosper.

And unless you start viewing that voice as suggesting poison,

It's going to be very hard to restrict.

It's like the witch in Snow White.

I think also we need to be aware that that voice coming to us,

The fact that I had that negative thought to do something that would ultimately be detrimental to me is an indication that I need to go into the exact opposite and try to look for other ways.

Because why did you even have the thought?

Why is that where your mind is prevailing?

So I think that I would take that as,

Oh,

My God,

I had that thought.

That thought's not me.

That thought's really scary.

I need to really up my game in the other side,

In the way of positive.

I also want to just differentiate repression and restriction,

Because I think often people confuse this.

When,

You know,

I hear sometimes people I meet with or different students,

They say,

You know,

I understand this restriction thing's not working.

When I get upset,

I don't say anything and I hold it in and I'm just I'm still so angry.

So that's not what we're saying.

That is repression.

Restriction is something really got you upset.

You pause,

You stop and say,

OK,

There's there's something valuable for me to learn here.

And I need to sit with it and see how I feel.

And maybe after three days,

When I'm less emotional about it,

If there's still something I feel the need to say or do,

Then I'll act upon it.

It's creating really a space between cause and effect.

So I just think it's important,

Because I think people say they think restriction is I'm just going to avoid that altogether.

And that's not very important.

Sometimes you actually need to say something.

But the thing is,

When do you say it and how do you say it?

Right.

Like you said at the beginning,

The difference is,

You know,

It might not be a good idea to eat the apple today.

Tomorrow would have been OK.

Or,

You know,

We just need to have that space to have clarity.

And sometimes after a day or two,

You realize,

Oh,

I probably it was all ego.

And I don't need to say.

I mean,

The chances are,

Again,

The guy who cuts you off on the highway and you want to curse at them or yell at them.

Right.

Probably two days later,

You're going to say,

Oh,

It was the right thing to restrict and not to do anything about that part that we are relative.

Exactly.

Your relative or friend who did something really nasty to you and you restrict from yelling at them in that moment.

And then after thinking about it for two or three days,

You say,

OK,

That still needs to be addressed.

By the way,

That's going to go much better in that state of mind than in the first.

So I would say that restriction point well taken,

You're saying is exactly right that you have to make sure that you're not repressing.

But I would say if you have a choice between restricting and not restricting,

You always restrict.

You can always unrestricted a day later or an hour later or a minute later.

It'll become clearer and clearer that you and also for people who have a hard time advocating for themselves or speaking up,

If it's still with you and it's you might then realize,

Well,

Wow,

I do need to say this thing and it's really difficult for me.

I think for people who don't like confrontation,

I'm like this restriction thing is great,

But there sometimes is a time to say things that need to be said.

So an average person spends three to four hours a day resisting desires.

Three to four hours a day?

Resisting.

So we get pretty tired at the end of the day.

That's a lot of effort with willpower and it depends what you're busy restricting.

So part of this is that we're a lot.

I'm just thinking about those numbers.

It's a lot.

An average person spending three to four hours.

Is this consciously restricted?

Yeah.

Interesting.

And I'm trying to think where there's a lot like that.

And willpower is a finite resource.

So this is exhausting.

And I think the key and you're going to say I was,

When was the last time I'm not spending three or four hours,

Right?

That's what you're thinking.

But I think the thing is what are people spending the time resisting?

And part of that is,

You know,

Are you an environment that sets you up for success?

Part of it is genetics as we talked about,

But also part of it is the practice,

Right?

If you put yourself in a routine where you have to restrict or resist or have more willpower,

Right,

Then you don't have to use that as much.

I think people,

For instance,

If a drug addict decides to get sober,

But he's still hanging around with the same group,

He's going to have to exercise a lot of willpower throughout that day versus if he put himself in a different environment or he had a routine that was a healthier lifestyle.

So there's a lot of things that we can do to actually not have to use three to four hours a day resisting things that we want.

So basically this is called ego depletion effect,

Which is a phenomenon that initial exertion of self control and pair subsequent self control.

Meaning when we have ego depletion.

Is that accepted science?

Because I remember we spoke about this once,

I think.

I wonder if there's,

Are there competing opinions?

I don't know,

But I'm wondering.

Perhaps.

Okay.

There always are,

Right?

But this research shows that it's a limited resource.

Right.

But we can still hack it and we can change and influence it.

I think that's what they found that was different.

I don't think it was an end all be all.

But there was a study by a Roy F.

Bowmeister and he's a psychologist at Florida State University and he's the leading researcher on the topic of willpower.

And he invited students to eat fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and asked others,

You know,

The cookie monster is based on the Walter initial studies.

He's trying to restrict himself from eating cookies.

He fails.

I thought that was interesting.

That's very cute.

Actually everything starts somewhere.

So he invited some students to eat fresh baked chocolate chip cookies and asked others to resist the cookies and eat radishes instead.

They gave them impossible,

An impossible geometry puzzle to solve.

It was impossible,

Right?

The students who ate the cookies,

Geometry.

The students who ate the cookies worked on the puzzles for 20 minutes on average,

But the students who had resisted the tempting cookies gave up after an average of eight minutes because they used so much of their willpower in the first task.

So I think I remember with this study,

I don't think that.

I was at one understand.

So because they had already bright before this impossible task before,

Not during,

I'm thinking they had to respect the cookies.

Then they,

They,

They looked at that,

But they ate the radishes instead and the other group got told,

Were they told,

Were they told any,

What were they told?

No,

They just said,

Do this.

There were radishes and they were cooking in front of them.

So the first group got,

Yes.

And,

And,

But one group got to eat the cookies and the other group had to eat the radishes.

Then they were both given the geometry.

I'm trying to understand this.

So you have two separate groups.

Are there plates of radishes and cookies in front of both groups?

And one group is told one group gets to eat the warm cookies.

The other group cannot and eats the half seed,

The radishes.

Then they get this impossible test.

They don't know it's impossible.

They just get a job.

It's impossible to do.

Okay.

Right.

The one that got to eat all of them,

The ones that got to eat the cookies,

Maybe they had their gratification.

Yes.

They were able to eat the cookies.

They worked on it for 20 minutes.

Oh,

Longer.

Okay.

Now I get it.

Okay.

And the ones who ate the radishes who we,

One would say it made a delayed the ratification or use some willpower.

Gave up faster after eight minutes.

So I think in the study,

I think originally,

Yes,

There was some,

I remember now there was some controversy,

But I think he had thought this is it like that you use it up.

In fact,

There are other ways,

But we know that it's stronger in the morning,

Less because we've used it.

Right.

And Dr.

Mitchell talks about this as well,

That when one is under stress or unhappy,

Willpower is depleted much more quickly.

Which makes so much sense.

Also,

It's easier to choose a healthy breakfast,

But at night you might go for the chocolate cake because all day you've been making decisions,

Not just with food,

But resisting temptation or instant gratification.

So at the end you're like,

I did so good today.

I deserve this cake or losing your temper or the same thing.

You might restrict all day and then if you're under stress and then one person comes over and says the wrong thing,

Then you explode.

It's all of those kinds of behaviors.

So six tools to rethink willpower.

And I think this is,

Will be really helpful for our listeners.

So reward your good judgment and excellent display of willpower.

So basically make note of when you've successfully stuck to something,

Whether you have a gratitude journal every morning or you wake up early.

Or even again,

Even if just today you were about to get angry and you stopped,

Right?

It could be just momentary.

Two,

Get into a willpower routine.

We know we're more successful if we establish routines that reinforce our goals,

Right?

So put yourself in an environment schedule that's going to support you for success and you don't have to use the willpower as much through the day.

Three,

Become aware of the triggers that derail your self control and avoid them.

Again,

If you're having a hard time,

Let's say you get really stressed with traffic,

Well then,

You know,

Maybe you don't want to drive throughout the day,

Whatever it may be.

I know somebody who would get very,

Very stressed in traffic.

So what he decided to do is he got a driver and he would sit in the back of the car with often with the blind,

You can't see outside,

Out the windows.

So he has no idea if he's in traffic or not.

I assume he'd feel the car moving.

But what?

Wouldn't he hear?

Yeah,

But you know.

Four,

People matter.

Choose the right crowd.

So scientists link greater self control with those who have strong willed friends.

We know that we're so influenced by our environment.

Ravashlagh teaches about this,

Kabbalist Ravashlagh,

About the environment is as the source that exerts the greatest influence over us.

And yeah,

I think people underestimate.

They think,

Oh,

You know,

I'll be okay.

But after a while,

Whatever environment you end,

You become more of.

Absolutely.

Five,

Make yourself think it's easier than it is.

When we perceive a task as hard or requiring a ton of effort,

We show poor self control.

That's really interesting.

And six,

Focus on the why,

Not the how.

People who think about why they do something are able to exert greater self control and persist longer at a task than those who think about how to do something.

I think it's really powerful,

Too.

And I do want to just say one thing,

Because,

You know,

Earlier when you were talking,

Every time you said the word control,

I actually got triggered because,

You know,

I don't I I used to be very controlling and I've tried really hard to be less of myself in my life.

I think what you're saying is in control and kind of be able to navigate your life the way that you want.

But there's a warning with willpower.

And I and again,

I do have to say it because it's connected to part of my past.

But we live in a society that places high value on the ability to delay gratification,

Right?

I mean,

We respect people who have more discipline.

I don't know if society is a whole I think is pushing for immediate gratification.

Yes.

I mean,

What is advertising is all about.

Let me show you a beautiful picture.

Go ahead and buy it right now.

But don't come off like you do.

OK.

And also come off like you're in control and that you're not going to be reactive.

And that's why people keep still talking about.

Yeah,

There's that element.

But I think but I think society as a whole,

Our society in which we live today is one that is pushing towards immediate gratification.

Yes.

But at the same time,

You have to be perfect.

And if you don't,

Then there's cancel.

It's very.

And I and I think this kind of environment that we're in where where there's perfection,

It makes us again,

I need to be in control.

I need to look like I have it all figured out.

I need to look like I'm disciplined.

And still,

We want everything now.

But this is the facade of what we're trying to keep.

And I think that it's linked to problems like overcontrol.

And I don't think people talk about this enough because excessive self-control is associated with social social isolation,

Poor interpersonal functioning and difficult to treat mental illness or mental health problems like anorexia or depression or obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

So I think it's important because I see a lot of people who they become so much in control,

Right?

I have my routine.

I have my schedule because we talk about all these things that are valuable.

I guess my point and what's important to me is that it has to be in balance.

You have to make sure that it's coming from the right place because you don't want to get into such a place where you're in so much control that you've isolated from yourself from people or you take it to the extreme of overcontrol.

Of course.

I would say that's why I think.

.

.

The spiritual aspect has to be there.

What I would say is,

Again,

I try never to think about these and I'm hoping for our listeners in any way of how we come off to people.

That should be at the lowest rung of our list of important things.

What should be important is how we see ourselves,

How we see ourselves.

Will Power is very much a self.

It's very connected to self,

How you see yourself,

How you speak to yourself,

How you talk to yourself.

But what I would say is,

Yes.

I'm not talking about control of your schedule,

Control of your exercise routine,

But what we are talking about is control of your emotions,

For example.

Control of what I would call negative reactivity.

And the voice that you listen to.

Who's the driver?

Who's the rider?

Who's the elephant?

Exactly.

And therefore,

Again,

I think.

.

.

And what are they telling each other?

That's really.

.

.

I just wanted to put that out there.

I think that that is really the conversation.

What do the rider and elephant tell each other?

How do they work together?

And who's leading,

Really?

And this is very much an internal,

Personal process.

It's not about how you look.

It's not about how you come up.

It's not how perfect or in control your life seems to be.

None of that.

Of course.

Right.

I just.

.

.

I thought that was something I wanted to say.

Nice.

So if you would leave our listeners with one idea.

Well,

We talked about elephants and riders and cookies and marshmallows.

It wasn't a horse and a rider.

So what do we know?

We know that some people just experience fear of temptations determined in part by our genetics.

Some people are hungrier than others.

But really,

Seriously,

We've learned that willpower is something that's very important to have in our lives and it's very possible and doable.

And it's making choices every day to not give in to immediate instant gratification and really taking time to pause and saying,

What is it that is ultimately going to get me closer to my goals in life and my purpose?

Absolutely.

And I would just add that,

Like you said,

It might be the most important,

Certainly amongst the most important traits that we develop in order to be successful.

As Walter Mischel's studies show,

You can tell it by a very young age,

Depending on a person's ability to have the ability to restrict and how strong that is,

How successful they'll be in life.

And that follows us throughout life,

Which means every single one of us today has a certain level of success in relationships,

In work,

And so on.

That can grow.

Not only can that grow,

It needs to grow.

One of the keys to its growth is how strong of a master over restriction you are becoming.

Which means it's not some sort of spiritual nice concept.

It's actually the question is today,

How much more restriction did I act?

And that is what brings me towards greater blessings.

That is what brings me to greater fulfillment.

That is what brings me to greater success in life.

And I would only add one more thing to ask yourself.

What is it that you're busy restricting every day?

Because that's a big part of it too.

You spend time and restrict from that thing that I even enjoy,

Right?

That gives me pleasure in a healthy way.

You were talking about restriction from the things that are detrimental to your health,

Your life,

Your well-being,

To your growth and transformation.

Because if there's three to four hours most people are spending a day exercising willpower,

You want to make sure you're using that powerful part of you,

Right?

Because it takes a lot of strength to have willpower and discipline to restricting the right things to get you to the place that you want to be.

Absolutely.

I'll just use one example.

I don't know if we're kind of towards the end.

One of the things we talk a lot about,

Even with our kids,

Is that we talk about dating,

Right?

There's some people who think,

Well,

I have to date a million people in order to find the one.

Or to know what I want.

So willpower restriction comes into this equation by saying the more restriction you do,

Again,

Not that you are pre-retanical in any way,

But if you restrict on dating too many people,

On having sex with too many people,

All those,

What I would say,

Limbic functions,

The I need it or want it now,

That actually grows your ability to actually find your soulmate,

Be with your soulmate,

Enjoy your soulmate.

So restriction is.

.

.

I don't want you to say that again.

I mean,

Such a.

.

.

I think everybody needs to hear that,

Really.

Yeah.

I mean,

I think so many of the people that we've come in contact with who are having trouble finding their soulmate,

Often it is because they have not restricted either the amount of people they date and so on and so forth.

And I'm just using this as one example of like.

.

.

Or who they dated.

Or who they dated and what they did with them.

But that.

.

.

Right.

How many times we talk to somebody who says,

I know this isn't the person I want to be with.

I just want to have fun.

Yeah,

But sometimes they get stuck in fun.

But that's.

.

.

Yeah.

But even if they don't,

That entire thought process relationship actually delays your ability to actually find your soulmate.

And this is true about business.

How many people say,

I don't really want to be doing this about just doing this for.

.

.

And then.

.

.

But to realize that more often than not,

Restricting what you know is not the right thing.

Not that that's a terrible thing,

Right?

But it's not the right thing.

That is what actually allows you to get to the right thing.

And that is true.

That is a spiritual,

Physical truth that follows us throughout life.

So if you can,

The more you can become a master of restriction,

The more you will find the blessings that are actually meant to come to you.

And again,

That's why I love the beautiful example,

Rather than sticking with one,

Have double the amount of marshmallows.

So I'd like to share a letter.

I thought it was really inspiring and beautiful and hopefully it inspires our listeners.

I want to thank all of our listeners who send in your questions,

Your comments,

Your stories.

They certainly inspire us.

Many of our podcasts are built upon many of the questions you send in.

And when we get the chance,

We share a story to inspire our listeners and really to bring our appreciation to them.

Hello,

Monica and Michael or Michael and Monica.

I like that.

Always Monica first.

No,

We might change that.

I've been reading your books and listening to your podcast for a little bit more than a year now.

For a long time,

I've wanted to write you an email thanking you for everything.

I kept putting it off because I truly wanted the email to fully express how thankful I am to have come across your light and knowledge.

I don't know if my email will do justice to what you guys mean to me and my soul,

But I have to try.

Thank you.

Thank you so much,

Monica and Michael,

For all the guidance,

Light,

Peace,

Advice,

Answers,

And love that you have given me through your podcasts and books.

Thank you so much for being my teachers,

Even though you don't know me.

Thank you for the podcasts and books.

I get to call you my teachers.

Thank you so much for accompanying me when everything felt scary and complicated and helping me see that it really wasn't scary or complicated.

It was my perception and lack of spirituality at the moment.

Everything the Creator does is good for you.

" Thank you for lifting my veil and thank you for teaching me how to lift it.

Thank you so much for giving me the strength and courage to build the life I have today.

You see,

I was about to go to live in Europe for all the wrong reasons.

I didn't know it at the time,

But I was running away from my reality instead of facing it.

When I was halfway through Fear Is Not An Option,

A great book,

I must add,

That's my addition,

Doing one of the exercises in the book,

I realized I was taking the easy way out.

That was the moment I decided to stop running and take my life into my own hands.

Sure,

Staying was going to be hard,

But I wasn't afraid anymore.

Monica,

Thanks to your book,

I knew that if I kept running from my reality,

I was only going to keep feeding it with energy and therefore keep on creating the same reality.

The only thing harder than staying was leaving.

I trusted the Creator and let go completely.

For the first time in my life,

I felt truly connected with myself and at peace.

Everything changed.

Two months after my decision to stay,

I found my soulmate.

We had known each other for two years,

But he couldn't see me and I couldn't see him.

There's a whole story there.

It was through Cabal that we became great friends in parentheses.

I am certain I wouldn't be here.

I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without you guys.

Thank you so much for all the light you were bringing into the world.

You inspire me beyond words.

I couldn't go to the spiritually hungry live and in person in Mexico City.

Sorry,

We missed you,

But I really hope to meet you one day and have a conversation with both of you.

I send you all the light and love in the world.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Regina.

That is so beautiful.

Wow.

So inspired.

Me too.

First of all,

First of all,

Regina,

Thank you so much for sharing that.

I really could cry.

I mean,

You never know if you say something or what you do,

How that's going to impact something.

But she had like an aha moment that changed the direction of her life from something she read in my book.

I mean,

That's really powerful.

Yeah,

I can't state enough how much we are inspired every time we get letters like this from you,

Our listeners.

So please continue sending them.

You know,

Really,

It's what drives us.

And it's so beautiful,

Beautiful to hear.

And thank you for Regina for really sharing so much of you.

Not coincidentally,

You know,

I don't always pick the letters to tie into what we spoke about,

But this is really also the secret of restriction.

She restricted a decision that she wasn't sure about.

Based on fear.

And her whole life is transformed.

It's really,

Really beautiful,

Really beautiful and inspiring.

So as always,

Please continue to send your stories like Regina's and inspire us,

Inspire the rest of our listeners.

Continue to send your questions and comments to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah dot com.

If you send it to Michael and Monica,

I don't think we'll ever get it.

So make sure you send it to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah dot com.

Please continue to share this podcast with everybody you know.

An Apple podcast.

Give five star,

Write reviews that more and more people listen to this podcast.

Share it again,

As I said,

With everybody that you know.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

I'm spiritually hungry.

Bye.