Today we're diving into the topic of understanding protective strategies.
These are the subconscious mechanisms of our inner parts and what they use to keep us safe,
Sometimes without us even realizing it.
We'll explore what these strategies look like,
Evaluate their effectiveness,
And consider how we can shift toward healthier alternatives.
I know,
For example,
I have a people-pleasing part that generally comes up for me and can take over my system if I'm not aware of it.
And so what are protective strategies?
Let's start by defining that.
These are behaviors or thought patterns that parts of us adopt to shield us from emotional pain or perceived threats.
Some examples of that is that you might avoid conflict,
Overthink decisions,
Or procrastinate as a way to protect yourself from fear or failure.
For me,
As I mentioned,
One of my main protective strategies is people-pleasing and my people-pleasing part.
And if I'm not careful,
It can still show up in my life today,
And it does,
And it's good to be aware of that.
I often find myself wanting to say yes to everyone around me.
And when I'm stretched then,
It's an ongoing process of recognizing this tendency and learning to pause before reacting.
And this comes from probably a part of me that still thinks I'm 12 years old,
Growing up in a rural area here in the United States,
And growing up in a family that was lower class than the average person in my town.
And I'm the first to go to college and to break outside of some things that my family never had the opportunity to do.
And as a result,
As I interacted with the broader world,
That people-pleasing part would say,
You need to keep everyone happy because you really don't belong here.
And if you make one mistake,
You're going to be discovered.
And so I still notice that today and have to remind that part that I'm older now.
Things are different now,
But it's valid.
And it's worked really hard to protect me,
But there's a team,
And it doesn't have to work so hard.
And whenever I sense tension or conflict,
My default has been to jump in to smooth things over,
Even if it means ignoring my own needs or feelings.
And at the time,
It feels like a way to keep the peace and avoid discomfort.
But as I grow,
I'm realizing this strategy and this people-pleasing part that's doing the best that it can often leaves me feeling drained and unseen.
And the protective mechanism that may have been a survival strategy that worked well in the past doesn't work so well today.
And there's an easier way.
And so I encourage you to take a moment to reflect what protective strategies do you notice in your daily life?
These could show up as striving for perfection,
Shutting down emotionally,
Or even distracting yourself with busyness.
The key is recognizing that these strategies and the parts that have taken them on come from a place of care.
They're not our enemies.
They're trying to help,
Even if the methods aren't always effective.
Once we identify these strategies,
It's important to ask,
How well are they working for me?
Do these behaviors actually make me feel safer or more secure?
Or do they create more stress,
Limit growth and distance from others?
And let me go back to my story about people-pleasing.
For a long time,
I thought I was being helpful by constantly saying yes to others.
But I started to notice patterns.
I'd overcommit,
Feel overwhelmed,
And then quietly resent the very people I was trying to help.
My strategy of avoiding conflict was actually creating internal conflict and external conflict.
I'd agree to extra projects at work despite being at capacity.
This led to missed deadlines,
Which made me feel inadequate and strained my relationships with co-workers who were counting on me.
Recognizing this has helped me see how deeply this strategy was impacting my life and those around me.
And I also didn't follow through or do my best when I did complete projects.
For you,
Healthy alternatives might include expressing your needs instead of avoiding conflict,
Or breaking tasks into smaller steps to overcome procrastination.
Maybe it's using mindfulness to stay present and reduce overthinking.
When we approach these strategies with kindness and curiosity,
We open the door to growth and healing.
And I encourage you to be aware of those parts that may not be open to being curious or open to growth.
Because they play a part in this.
They're doing the best they can.
They're welcome to.
Ask yourself,
What's one small change I can try this week to shift toward a more supportive strategy?
So this week,
I invite you to try a simple practice.
Pause and observe your responses throughout the day.
When you notice a protective strategy at play,
Acknowledge it without judgment.
Ask yourself,
What part of me is leading right now and how's it trying to protect me?
After you pause,
Experiment with an alternative.
If the strategy isn't serving you,
Consider what a more compassionate or curious approach might look like.
For example,
If you find yourself procrastinating on a difficult task,
Try breaking it into smaller pieces and tackling just one piece.
If you're avoiding a tough conversation,
Write down what you'd like to say and maybe rehearse it in a safe place.
And remember,
This is a journey.
Be patient with yourself as you explore these shifts.
Change doesn't happen overnight,
But every small step adds up.
