Hello unique individual,
Welcome back!
If you haven't done so,
You might want to listen first to the introduction of the life traps,
But if you have,
Again,
Welcome back!
So I previously discussed the need for basic safety in our childhood and how we were probably lacking that,
Especially if you have this life trap,
The mistrust and abuse life trap.
The book begins with I CANNOT TRUST YOU.
The book gives a description of Frank who goes into therapy because he does not trust his wife,
He doesn't even trust the therapist.
And it took them a long time to earn his trust,
Months of therapy and even then he was capable of great mistrust.
And the book gives another great example of Madeline in her early 20s where she goes to a party and she's just talking to a guy and suddenly she feels this mistrust and she just has to leave and she actually gets into a sort of fight with this guy.
And she was like yeah this is becoming a pattern of me,
I cannot trust men,
I need to go to therapy.
But we also talk about abuse and abuse is this complex mixture of feelings of pain,
Fear,
Rage and grief.
These feelings,
They are intense but they also simmer near the surface.
And when people are with people who experience abuse,
Where they have been abused,
They always have these strong feelings even though they are being calm but you can feel them in the room,
You can feel this abuse and this mistrust.
And I know I show my emotions very clearly,
Where people have said like ooh Yvette I can sense your tension and this is indeed that example of they can feel the mistrust.
And this all has to do with this state of hyper-villagence.
You are constantly on your guard,
Any minute there can be a threat and you are alert.
This also has a lot to do with the fight-freeze response but yeah you of course are then in a fight response or maybe in a run.
But the thing with this hyper-villagence is again any minute a threat can emerge and you must be alert and you watch and you wait.
This could be directed at the world,
At certain people,
At everyone.
It all depends on you.
So the book gave these examples that Frank he only had it with his romantic relationship with his wife but the female they introduced,
Madeline,
She had it to all men.
And a little bit of warning,
What I'm going to say as the origins of the mistrust and abuse lifetrap,
They might heighten your emotions,
They might be difficult to hear but these are for some people,
These are the realities of growing up.
So please be mindful and feel whether or not you are in a state to really listen to these origins because they might be hurtful.
So again,
Where does this come from?
The origins of the mistrust and abuse lifetrap could be that someone in your family physically abused you as a child.
Or someone sexually abused you as a child or repeatedly touched you in provocative manners.
Or someone in your family repeatedly humiliated you,
Teased you,
Put you down,
So verbal abuse.
People in your family could not be trusted,
They betrayed your confidence,
They exploited your weaknesses to their advantage,
They manipulated you,
Made promises,
They had no intention of keeping or lying to you.
Someone in your family seemed to get pleasure from seeing you suffer.
You were made to do things as a child by a threat of severe punishment or retaliation.
One of your parents repeatedly warned you to not trust people outside the family.
Or for example if you are a female,
Never ever trust men.
The people in your family were against you,
Or even as a young child your classmates were against you.
One of your parents turned to you for physical affection as a child in a way that was inappropriate or made you feel uncomfortable.
People used to call your names that really hurt.
Some of these might feel like they're not really that serious,
Well you think,
But yeah,
As you see and hear,
These can have life long term issues,
They can really lead to big and long mental health issues and these life traps.
Abuse is just a form that crosses,
That violates your boundaries.
So your physical,
Sexual or psychological boundaries were not respected.
And someone again in your family or those who were taking care of you,
Quote on quote taking care of you,
They were supposed to protect you but they willfully herded you.
And you were just a child,
You were the fence lift,
You were just a child.
And the book really gives concrete examples and I do urge you if you are doubting whether or not you have this life trap to read them,
But again they can be quite hurtful.
I was actually shedding tears reading this book so I'm not going to repeat everything in detail otherwise I'm just quoting the book constantly.
But here I would like to focus as well on okay,
What is abuse and mistrust exactly and what can we do about it.
And again the first step is awareness,
Right,
Become aware that we suffer from this life trap.
And then become aware of the danger signals and the book gives wonderful,
Helpful,
Dangerous signals in relationships.
And a couple of them are he or she has an explosive temper that scares you.
He or she loses control when they dream too much.
They put you down in front of your friends and family.
They repeatedly demean you,
Criticize you and make you feel worthless.
They have no respect for your needs.
They will do anything,
Lie or manipulate to get their own way.
They are sadistic or cruel,
Seem to get pleasure when you or other people suffer.
They hit or threaten you when you don't do what they want.
They force you to have sex even when you don't want to.
They cheat on you,
They exploit your weaknesses.
They are very unreliable and take advantage of your generosity.
And some of you might listen to this and think well that's obvious,
Right?
Well for people with this life trap,
Including myself,
The puzzling fact is that we keep repeating the same self-destructive pattern over and over again.
Like Freud called it,
This is repetition compulsion.
So how do we end up in another abusive relationship?
It just doesn't make sense but it happens over and over again.
These partners,
They generate the most chemistry and maybe they apologize to never do it again and you're back where you started.
And those were the signs in partners.
But you could also have them in relationships,
So not only in romantic relationships but also with friends or family members.
And the book has a whole page about life traps in relationships and I'm going to mention a few and listen whether or not they resonate with you.
You often feel that people take advantage of you,
Even when there's little concrete proof.
You allow other people to mistreat you because you are afraid of them or because you feel like you deserve it.
You are quick to attack other people because you expect them to hurt you or put you down.
You have a very hard time enjoying sex,
It might feel as an obligation and you cannot derive pleasure from it.
You are reluctant to reveal personal information because you worry that people will use it against you.
You might feel nervous around people and you are afraid that they will humiliate you.
You feel like men or women cannot be trusted.
You allow other people to take advantage of you because,
Well,
It's what they will do.
You avoid getting close to men or women because you cannot trust them.
You feel frightened around men and women and you don't understand why.
You often feel helpless in relation to other people.
And I would like to make clear that this is just a list,
If you can relate to one of them it doesn't necessarily mean you have the life trap,
But it is a good indicator.
And the thing,
At least with me,
Is I didn't realise I had these abusive and mistrusting life traps because I didn't notice the thoughts,
It was just a feeling,
A feeling of I cannot trust you and I actually thought that was normal.
So it wasn't like my inner critic was constantly saying do not trust them,
Do not trust them,
It was a feeling.
And the problem with this life trap is that at some point you are seeking for this proof,
So you are zooming in on qualities of people so that it can be evidence that you cannot trust them and again it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So how can you change your mistrust and abuse life trap?
There are some steps you can take.
If all possible try to see a therapist to help you with this schema life trap,
Particularly if you have been sexually or physically abused.
Another big thing is talk to a friend or a trust one,
For example your therapist and do imagery,
So do a visualisation and try to recall memories of abuse,
Relive each incident in detail.
And even though you can find meditations online,
For those just starting out I urge you to really seek a therapist,
Someone who has experience working with people who have suffered from physical or sexual abuse.
Because as the book continues,
While you do imagery,
Vent your anger at your abuser and stop feeling helpless in the image.
For me this has been a great outlet and at some point,
Like the book shares,
Stop blaming yourself,
You did not deserve the abuse.
What the book also mentions is consider reducing or stopping contact with your abusers while you work on this life trap.
So it's very difficult to work on all of this if you are still in the midst of it.
The book also says if it's possible when you are ready,
Confront your abuser face to face.
And if that sounds too scary or threatening,
You can send a letter.
So what many people do is that they write down a no-send letter.
They write down all their anger and all the things their abuser has done to them but they never send it.
But even this process can be very healing.
The next step what the book mentions is stop tolerating abuse in your current relationships.
And I found it really interesting.
We now know what's happening,
Right?
We have now the capacity to stop it.
And again,
Try to become involved with a partner who respects your right and does not want to hurt you.
And do not abuse people close to you.
Sometimes it feels like common sense but I really like that the book is mentioning these steps explicitly because sometimes it's just so hard to live by them.
And there is a very long road,
A very long road and it can be difficult in order to recover from the mistress and abuse lifetrap.
But as the book mentions,
And I want to end off this session with a little hope,
It is so rewarding and so worth it.
Because you will get what you've always wanted,
To love and to be loved.
