Grounding When Others Can't Meet You (Live Class 1-23)

So for this Friday's class we're going to be a little bit flexible and I want people to start thinking about what questions or experiences have we not answered or what have we talked about before that you would really like to practice.

Because what this class is about is about figuring out what within us is struggling to hold our ground without reacting to others and making them bad.

And a couple different ways of saying this just as a reminder or for someone new joining is most people think they're setting a boundary but instead they're fighting the other person.

They're trying to convince the other person to change.

They're telling the other person they're bad.

They're saying you must admit that you're doing something wrong and change so that I can feel comfortable when that's not what boundaries are about.

And there's a really tricky thing that people often get themselves in an emotional gap.

They think either I must get the other person to change because I'm uncomfortable or I must put up with behavior that makes me uncomfortable.

And there's a third choice but it's a scary choice for most people in many situations which is saying this makes me uncomfortable.

That is my responsibility.

Here is the action I am going to take or the request I am going to take with full ownership.

And that's the craziest part because that starts ringing alarm bells in everyone's head.

They're like I'm supposed to take full ownership of this person yelling at me?

No,

They're yelling.

But you're taking full ownership that it is your responsibility to choose whether to engage in that environment or not.

If you're not locked up and a prisoner and being forced and subjected to this environment then you have a choice.

You have a choice of whether you're going to get involved.

You have a choice of whether you're going to continue this relationship.

You have a choice of you are going to allow yourself to be in relationship with this behavior.

And the really important vital part is that we don't make the other person wrong.

We can't say that any behavior is wrong.

We can only say that for us in this moment or on a regular basis we are not comfortable having it in relationship.

And as a result we want to hold our ground meaning within ourself I can say no without lashing out or defending myself.

So if that makes sense or it doesn't make sense I want people to start thinking of questions and if you have any we'll direct the class based on those questions.

If not we have 15 variations we've done before that we'll do again.

But I'll do a couple examples waiting for questions and comments of what would be most helpful to you today before we ground talk and meditate.

Because here's an example.

I said on the class two days ago two days around anger that I was really angry at two organizations and I allowed myself to be for a day and part of my anger was wanting to show them they're wrong.

And they're not inherently wrong.

They're wrong from my perspective and I had to stop myself from communicating with both of these organizations for 12-16 hours until I could say that's not my responsibility.

If I try to convince them they're wrong it's never going to work and that's not my role and the only reason I'm trying to convince them that they are wrong is so that I feel okay about setting my boundary and standing my ground with what I am comfortable with.

And after those 16 hours I was able to one organization say hey I understand your policy but I would really like to know if you are considering doing x thing that would be really valuable and I'd be glad to work with you on it.

But if you're not and this scared me I'm probably going to have to go seek another platform or seek something else to be able to do this because it's what I'm looking for my ownership and with the other I had to say this is how they're set up and I'm going to communicate under that expectation because expecting them to change isn't going to work and not give them the opportunity to react to me simply repeating my request over and over again.

So in this case and these examples holding my ground does not mean I make them right,

It does not mean I make them wrong,

Does not mean I make myself right or make myself wrong.

It means becoming aware of what it is that I want,

What it is that I'm looking for,

What it is that makes me feel comfortable,

What it is that makes me feel uncomfortable and saying I'm only willing to be in relationship with people and organizations where this occurs.

Does this make sense to everyone and do people have any direction that they would like to go in today on that?

Otherwise I'll pick one that's alive for me.

And Patricia it's challenging however I take a conscious breath and either say nothing or try to change the subject.

But there's a different thing because I'm going to use Patricia as an example.

Some people would say that this is all about turning the other cheek but if you're having a challenging topic with someone and it's someone you're in relationship with part of what we're talking about today is learning how to say something like I don't appreciate the way that I'm being spoken to,

I feel really uncomfortable,

If I feel really uncomfortable,

If this continues then I'm going to leave the conversation.

And knowing that they might react or escalate or do something and that it is within our responsibility to say I understand that makes you upset but I don't want to be spoken to this way and I'm going to make my leave.

To find ways to stand our own ground without needing the other person to be wrong or us to be right or vice versa in order for that to be okay.

Okay I'm going to go ahead and ground us and then I'll keep exploring but if at any point there's questions I'll shift direction but I have a couple ideas for today.

So if everybody can find a comfortable position go ahead and close your eyes.

Take a deep deep breath.

Let it out with a sigh.

And take a moment to focus on your stomach.

If it helps put two hands on your stomach.

And from this state I want you to ask yourself what you're feeling right now.

Is your stomach moving smoothly and deeply?

Is it moving shallowly?

Is it not moving at all?

And I want you to imagine also how your stomach feels when you're uncomfortable.

When you're in a situation where you feel tense or unsure about.

And see if you can notice the difference.

I hope you're not feeling tense and unsure about this exercise but maybe you are and maybe there's no difference.

But just see if you can know the only thing you truly need to know.

I feel safe or I feel unsafe.

I feel tense or I feel relaxed.

So settle in to that feeling.

And let your body relax into it.

Finding the space where you are in your own body rather than looking and reacting outwards to others.

And then when you feel ready go ahead and open your eyes.

Because when we're talking about these things people talk about being afraid of boundaries.

People talk about not knowing how to have boundaries.

But there's another way to frame that which is I am scared to let go of control and make choices purely for myself because I don't know how other people are going to react.

And I'm used to them reacting in ways that I am not yet comfortable with.

So instead of setting clear and clean boundaries for myself I end up trying to use the other person as a baseline to only set a boundary that I think someone's going to be comfortable with or that they'll comply with or that they won't react poorly with.

But that's not a boundary.

That's a request.

A boundary is saying this is where I draw the line of what I'm willing to deal with,

What makes me feel good,

What I feel comfortable with.

And so as a result the last thing we really want to do is to be thinking about boundaries as something we do to get the other person to do what we want.

Because that's not a boundary.

A boundary always starts from being able to say I don't like this.

I don't feel comfortable.

I don't feel safe.

And I am making a choice that I don't want it right now.

That isn't something that I'm looking for.

And knowing that other people then get to make their own choice.

They get to decide whether they are willing to be in a relationship without that dynamic,

Without that behavior,

Without this structure.

And we know that they may choose to or they may choose not to.

And both of those things have to be okay.

And we also know,

This is the important one for people,

That they may not be willing to change but also not want to lose you.

And they're going to try to convince you.

Patricia,

I'm getting to this right now.

They are going to try to convince you to not have your boundary.

And your only responsibility is to say and do exactly what you mean.

As in say,

I'm not comfortable with yelling.

And if you're choosing to have a conversation that involves yelling,

I will whatever works for you.

You could say,

I will warn you once that I'm not feeling comfortable with the yelling.

And if it continues,

I'm going to walk away.

I'd be glad to have the conversation later when yelling is not involved.

But I won't be having it when this occurs.

Or I'm not comfortable having a conversation when there's defensiveness or criticism or dismissal or any of the things that have you not feeling safe and feeling reactive.

You don't try to make them bad.

Don't try to change them.

You just say,

I'm not available for this.

And what Patricia said is there are some when you make a statement like,

I am not comfortable,

It sets them off further.

How do you handle that situation?

Not my circus.

Not my monkeys.

If you say,

I am not comfortable to someone and it sets them off further,

The your only responsibility is to make sure that pattern doesn't work.

And what I mean by that is something that I share in a lot of my classes,

But it's really important to remember.

Patterns don't change when they damage relationships.

Patterns don't change because they hurt us and hurt others.

Patterns change when they stop working.

So if you or someone else is doing something,

Even if you're like,

Even if they're saying they want to change,

Even if you're saying you want to change,

It's working.

It's working to accomplish a goal.

That goal may be to relieve your anxiety.

That goal may be to reduce uncertainty.

That goal may be to get my needs met.

That goal may be to make sure that others don't expect too much of me in relationships or get things done.

The goal could be anything that you or the other person may not be willing to admit to yourself,

But if they are using a behavior,

They're using it because it works.

So in Patricia's case,

I'm going to use some assumptions,

But if she wants to put in one because they're not helpful or they're not hers,

Feel free.

Let's say I am talking to my partner and I say,

I'm not really comfortable with this behavior and I'm not going to be available for it.

That's actually a pretty clear boundary.

But if the other person experiences that very likely as shame,

Abandonment,

And rejection,

That's okay.

That's theirs to deal with.

But if they then start projecting that out to you by yelling,

By criticizing,

By performing sadness or performing hurt or performing guilt,

They're doing that.

And I'm going to say this three times so it sinks into people.

They're doing that because it works.

Because you struggle with disappointing someone.

You struggle with internal self-doubt that allows you to accept criticism.

You struggle with people being angry.

So they know deep down that if they do that thing,

Then you are going to back down from your own boundary.

You are going to self-abandon in order to not experience it.

So they're doing it because it works.

That doesn't make them a bad person.

It means that everyone is trying to find coping strategies that work to meet their core needs.

And so in this case,

Patricia,

If it sets them off further,

The important thing is to not move into attack or defense.

It's just to say and recognize that this person is attempting a strategy to bring me back into the fold of a comfortable dynamic for them that is not comfortable for you.

And the only thing that I'm responsible for is saying,

I'm not available for this.

I see that you're hurting.

Or if that's going to set them off further,

Don't say that.

Being like,

I'm going to step away for 30 minutes.

I'm going to step away for an hour.

I'm going to check back in.

And if we're in a state where we can have a comfortable conversation for both of us,

I'd be glad to talk,

But I'm not available for this.

And the first three to five times you do that,

It probably is going to seem like it doesn't work.

But that's because someone is going to try different strategies in order to keep themselves from having to be uncomfortable,

From having to try new things.

So that's the trickiest part about this.

Nothing I'm going to tell you today is instant reward.

It is a dream and an illusion that most of us carry,

That if I only find the right words,

If I only figure out the right thing,

If I only pull it off,

Then nobody's going to get angry.

I'm going to be able to change this relationship and nobody's going to get angry.

Nobody's going to get critical.

Nobody's going to feel hurt.

Nobody's going to feel ashamed.

Most people's internal psyche is like a minefield that is their job to clean up.

But if you are going to start setting boundaries that push them into uncomfortable places,

Then you're going to hit some mines.

And your responsibility is not to accept that explosion.

It's to kindly and lovingly walk away or set space so that they deal with the aftermath and clean up their own minds.

So,

Questions.

Deb,

Can you provide me details of your pattern of defensiveness or their pattern of defensiveness?

Just to be clear here.

And Sarah.

Sarah said,

When I say I am not comfortable,

I get silent treatment for days.

It feels uncomfortable.

I'm going to repeat this.

It works,

Doesn't it?

So,

When you say I am not comfortable with something,

The other person has two or three choices.

Get curious.

Start to work through the discomfort together.

Figure something out.

Or they can try to retaliate in a way that gets you to go back into the same dynamic and accept their behavior.

And if they know you're going to be the first one to break with silent treatment.

I had an ex that was like this.

Not silent treatment,

But I was trying to get resolution afterwards and I think she was trying to emotionally hold on on something.

And I'm a fixer.

I'm a doer.

I'm a get things done person.

And I kept pushing.

I think I sent about a hundred emails.

And my mother and several other friends reminded me that this person,

Based on this relationship,

Is much more comfortable sitting in this ambiguity and unresolution than you will ever be.

You are not going to be able to push or escalate her out of this space because you are more uncomfortable than they are.

So,

Get comfortable.

And so,

In the same way,

If they know that silent treatment for a couple of days gets you to walk right back into the pattern,

They're going to do it.

Not because they're a bad person,

But because they're uncomfortable and they're going to try whichever strategy works before facing their own discomfort.

And there are ways in which we can say,

I see that you're hurting and I'd like us to find a way out together and to offer a path out.

Because sometimes people don't see a path out to a brighter future.

So,

They feel like they have no choice.

So,

They're using these strategies.

But they're not our responsibility.

It's not our responsibility to coddle and work through with partners.

If this is child,

Of course.

But if it's an adult that you're dealing with,

You're not responsible for them and their actions.

So,

In the case of silent treatment for days,

As an example,

There's a couple of options.

Get comfortable and start living your own life.

To wear them out.

To show them that it doesn't work.

Ground.

Feel comfortable in those actions because they're trying to punish you into the old actions.

And if you say,

Actually,

I'm getting the silent treatment.

I'm going to go live my life.

Eventually,

That pattern is going to stop working.

Or two,

Really honestly,

Compassionately speak to say,

Hey,

I see.

Name the pattern.

I see that you're trying to use the silent treatment.

I'm also uncomfortable with this.

And use a boundary to say,

If this continues,

I'm really going to have to examine our relationship with each other.

Because this isn't the way that I want to resolve patterns.

And I would like to have something different.

I would be glad to discuss that with you.

But if this pattern continues,

Here's what I'm going to do.

Which there's a very careful line in between someone using an ultimatum and simply expressing and saying,

This is what I'm going to be doing when this behavior arises.

Because I don't feel comfortable.

And then following through without stopping and waiting to see if it's working.

Because an ultimatum is a force to try to push someone to change.

But a boundary is just saying,

I'm not available for this.

And it is tricky.

Because in Sarah's case,

If someone's giving you the silent treatment,

It's hard to react against it.

It's hard to walk away.

But,

This isn't a perfectly accurate phrase,

But I'm going to use that phrase,

The best revenge is a life well lived.

If someone's trying to punish you by being silent,

Go live your life.

Have a good life.

Tie it together.

Don't ask anything from them if that's what's going to work.

If it's not working and you need to engage with this person,

Stay pleasant,

Stay smiling.

And say,

I want you to understand this is not working for me and I'm not willing to have a relationship like this.

So if this continues,

Then I think I'm going to make this choice.

Or I will be doing this thing.

And Jazz to add in,

I like this and thank you.

If you have more put in,

And especially if you're new here,

This is what we do is exploring these patterns and practicing them out.

So Jazz putting in,

I used to get that too,

The silent treatment,

Would make me so mad with emojis.

Yes,

That's why they do it.

Not because they're bad people,

But because if I'm in a familiar dynamic with my family,

As Patricia just said,

She's the one who chooses healing and they seem confused because she no longer reacts the way she used to.

If I'm in a uncomfortable,

But familiar dynamic that I know how to handle and you try to change the dynamic,

I'm going to try to pull you back in.

Not because I'm a bad person,

But because it's the only thing that I know how to do.

And I haven't been offered a way out.

I don't know a way out.

And even if someone offered a way out,

I'm going to be suspicious.

I'm going to interpret it as criticism and I don't know what to do.

So I'm going to try to pull you into the old pattern.

And if the old pattern,

Jazz,

Requires you to get angry so that I can get angry,

So that we can yell at each other,

So that we can both feel bad,

So that we can go back into the same old pattern,

I will do whatever it takes to push your buttons.

And the best part,

Because I am here to tell everyone today,

You don't have to put up with it.

It is really good meditation practice to have someone try to push your buttons and to say,

No,

Thank you.

But there is,

I am borrowing this from Joe Hudson from The Art of Accomplishment,

Who I really,

Really enjoy and really respect.

And some of the exercises that we have done are inspired by him.

Not taken from him,

But inspired because he has some really good work.

But he has a phrase that I'll use just because it makes me laugh because it's so old school,

Is,

He says,

You're asking the age-old question of whether a sage or a perfected being or an enlightened one would live on top of a disco.

And I just love it because he uses the word disco,

Putting it in Emerald.

Joe Hudson,

Art of Accomplishment.

And he says,

Well,

This is the trick.

An enlightened being could live on top of a disco or a rave or this.

But at the same time,

They would also choose not to because it's not that much fun to live on top of a disco.

So many people in the healing space think that they're doing themselves a service by believing that their responsibility is to put up with poor behavior and not be triggered.

No.

No.

No.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

Nope.

You are not responsible for putting up with that behavior.

And you cannot blame yourself for being triggered.

There's a phrase in Buddhism.

This one's a bit paraphrased from the original text because it uses something good.

Life is going to throw darts at you.

But most of the darts that hurt are the ones that you throw at yourself,

Which is another way of saying pain is required in life.

Suffering is optional.

Another way to say that is sometimes you're going to interact with somebody who had a really bad day and they're going to yell at you.

That does not mean I have to choose to live with the person who's yelling,

Telling myself that I shouldn't be bothered by it.

Sometimes somebody at work or somebody I interact with is going to make a mean critical comment out of their hurt and shame.

That does not mean that I need to put up with that on a regular basis and accept it or come up with a story about it.

And what I mean by that in this specific example is often people say,

You know what?

I'm going to calmly and clearly communicate that X behavior I don't really enjoy.

And I'm going to make an offer to say I don't really enjoy this behavior.

I feel it makes me feel or I just feel uncomfortable when it occurs.

I really love you.

I care about you.

But when this behavior occurs,

This is what I'm going to do to protect myself and my space.

And I understand that that may be uncomfortable for you.

And I understand you may not know a different way at the moment,

But I'm going to choose to protect myself first.

And I hope you understand.

That would be a really,

Really good boundary.

And 80% of the time,

Making up a number,

But if you're setting this boundary,

Given the person,

The person's not going to react well at first.

And you have no responsibility to explain it,

To defend it,

To attack them,

To try to tell them their behavior's bad.

The clearest,

Cleanest thing you could do is if they start to get activated,

You can say,

I see this is making you upset.

I'm going to leave so that you can have some time to process this without sending it at me.

I love you.

That's it.

Any behavior you can think of,

It's okay to walk away.

Because if you engage with the dynamic for fear of abandonment,

For fear of rejection,

For fear of control,

You're accepting it.

You're allowing it to continue in your life,

Saying,

I'm going to try to save this relationship at any cost to myself and at any behavior that makes me uncomfortable,

Rather than saying clearly and cleanly,

I'm not available for this.

I'm going to go through and make sure I didn't miss anybody.

And then,

If everyone is up for it,

We'll do a meditation to practice doing this with a live situation.

If not,

And people have more questions,

That's also fine.

But I think I'd like to get into meditation.

Yeah.

So Patricia,

I'm going to use you as a really good one,

Which is,

You said,

Make sense.

Came from a very abusive,

Yelling,

Unlistening family.

Quite challenging to change behaviors and set these boundaries at 63.

Yeah.

If you spent your whole life modeled around accepting these behaviors,

It's hard.

But,

You don't get to be in control of them changing behavior.

You don't.

And if there is even the smallest,

Smallest inkling that you're going to find a way to get them to change behavior,

You have switched from boundaries to manipulation.

And we'll say that again,

Because it really is important for you.

Not just you.

I'm not pressing on you,

Patricia,

But anyone.

You know,

It's a boundary when you have felt internally,

Said,

I don't feel comfortable with this,

And communicated,

I'm not available for this.

It doesn't feel good to me.

You know,

You have stepped over the ground into manipulation.

The second you go,

I'm not available for this,

But maybe if I say that in this way,

Then they'll change.

Maybe if I do this in this way,

They'll stop.

You're not responsible for their actions.

And that is manipulation.

That is trying to find a way to get someone else to change their behavior.

And that's an inclination most of us have,

But people sense it.

And it doesn't work.

The second that you walk into a conversation in a contrived way,

With the goal of getting them to change their behavior so that you don't have to feel uncomfortable,

You are manipulating them,

Not setting a boundary.

And they know it and they react to it.

But if you walk in fully vulnerable,

Fully open saying,

I feel really unsafe with this behavior.

I feel really uncomfortable.

I love you,

But I'm not going to be available for this.

And this is what's going to happen.

This is what I'm going to do.

When it occurs,

That's it.

That's all we get to be responsible for.

And if setting that boundary doesn't call them eventually after they've pulled out their bag of tricks to try to pull you back into the fold,

Change their behavior,

Then they are just plain out,

Not willing to change for us,

For the relationship.

And that is the thing that actually hurts.

It hurts the most to know that out of their own pain,

Their own hurt,

Their own patterns,

Their own fears,

Someone is unwilling and unable to see the way to act in a way that would have us feel safe.

And if we're going to choose to feel safe,

We need to limit,

Moderate our relationship with that person.

Which similarly,

Karma,

What if their strategy is telling you they aren't accepting your boundaries because they are demanding you never talk to them again.

They rebuked my kind of boundary and told me they're writing me off.

Yes.

I'm sorry,

Karma.

That hurts.

That hurts a lot.

And if you want in the meditation today you can have a lot of compassion for someone who's struggling that badly.

That that's what they're going to do.

That you're not in control of that.

You can bring love to it.

But if someone is hurting that badly and that scared and that lack of trust with you and that dynamic that they're willing to write you off over a boundary out of their own shame and their own hurt.

That's all she wrote.

And that's the last thing most people want to hear.

But it is.

It's the only thing that you can really do because they have set their boundary.

If you think about it in the clearest terms you've said I've reached a level where I'm no longer comfortable with this behavior and I'm asking for a difference if you want to continue having a relationship.

And they said I am not comfortable with what you are asking me to do.

So I'm setting a boundary saying you're right I can't be around you because I can't meet your expectations because you are asking me to make a change that would require facing deeper parts of myself that I'm unwilling and unable to do.

So I'm sorry but this relationship is going to have to end because I cannot meet your needs for safety.

That's it.

I know a lot of people who stick in relationships of all forms family,

Friends,

People who are down in the dumps co-workers rather than recognizing.

That's it.

That's all there is.

And it hurts.

I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt.

I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt to say I'm choosing myself and that may mean leaving behind people who aren't ready to interact in a way that makes me feel safe.

That sucks.

I'm sure everyone on this call has someone who has been like that.

Someone in their life that you have to recognize.

You tried everything to try to get them to change but they're fighting an internal battle and when you say I'm at the point in my life where I really want to have relationships that look like this and they opt out or get angry or get frustrated or get this they do love you.

They do care about you but they're finding every way to communicate with you.

I'm not able to do that.

I'm not capable of doing that in this moment.

That's not something that's in my skill set and that doesn't mean you don't get to choose to say I love you and I'm sorry but I'm not available for a relationship until you find a way to be able to do that.

I'm not going to fall back in to the same pattern and same structure.

I'm going to try to remember but there was a quote I learned recently of the difference in between loving someone being present for someone and being available for behavior.

You can love someone and not being available to support them and not being present for certain behavior or certain activities or spaces.

And similarly as Jazz said before we get into a meditation as well I'm from the old school that says never give up on a relationship.

It takes two to tango.

If you have two people working deeply to find a way to create a relationship that works for both sides you can get through anything.

But if there's only one there's no way around it.

It doesn't work.

So if you have two people thank you very much Karma.

If you have two people who are willing and able to do it that's great.

But most people know deep down whether you have two people who are trying or one no people who are trying which is what I call roommates or one person who's trying and one person who's given up.

It doesn't work unless two people are involved.

So yeah and last as Patricia said it's difficult to see someone you love hurting so much and unwilling to change.

I've suggested meditation and inner child work.

It's their choice to try or not.

But our only responsibility is the fact that it hurts.

It really really does hurt to watch someone you love struggle.

But often we're reacting to them not because we're actually trying to save them but because we are struggling with the fact that they are struggling.

And if we are trying to change them without being invited then we're trying to manipulate them selfishly because it's we are the ones who hurt.

We are the ones who want them to be different.

We are the ones who want them to grow or heal or advance so that we can be comfortable.

And that's okay.

But that inclination has to turn internally to figure out what it is what it is that we are struggling with and to make a choice to give that to ourselves.

Yeah and that's the hardest thing everyone.

But the biggest thing and we are running out of time for a full meditation so I might give people some ideas of what to do rather than lead a full meditation if that's all right is you're not in responsibility to change anyone.

And I would like to next class really focus on the bodily cues and maybe that's what I can do for the suggestions.

Your only responsibility in this life is to kindly and considerately be responsible for yourself and those you choose to truly be responsible for like children or animals and to take action around that.

So if someone else is hurting that is their responsibility.

You can bring love but you can't solve it and if they don't ask you for support you can't actually support them.

And then each time when I see someone saying this isn't working and they say I've tried to fix it but they get angry they're not involved in your decision.

They're truly not.

If the other person's behavior influences your decision you're not setting a boundary you're creating a manipulation.

I'm gonna say that again if the other person's reaction is involved at all in your behavior you're not setting a boundary you're creating a manipulation.

So if you are unhappy in a relationship your only responsibility is to say what would I have to do in order to feel happy or comfortable or safe?

And as a result what would I have to communicate and follow through on in order to have that space?

And the third important part if I can't do that because they are reacting in ways that and that doesn't mean I change what I say because no matter what I do they react in a chain of events that makes it impossible at this moment for me to have that safe space then I choose to leave to create the safe space.

It doesn't mean you're blameless in creating the situation it means that if you choose yourself first and foremost it never involves the other person.

You can choose to be happy and if they start to have behavior that you feel uncomfortable with you can choose to say no.

If they push on it you can choose to walk away.

If they chase you you can choose to truly walk away and that's the true groundedness and if that doesn't change them because their pattern is no longer working that's okay.

There will be someone there who is willing and able to do that.

So if that does resonate with you and you want to think through these things I'm going to suggest a practice for the next few days.

Whenever you're thinking about a relationship where you're uncomfortable I want you to start a journal that says I would need to have filled out the blank in order to feel safe comfortable and fulfilled in this relationship.

I would need to do this in order for that to happen and I would need to stop accepting this behavior.

So I'll put it in of I would need to have two separate three separate questions do and experience or ask for or not allow in order to feel happy fulfilled and comfortable in this relationship well relationship and then the only thing that you can do is start being that person not allowing the other behavior and do the things that make you happy that's it and then as karma just said the walk away doesn't happen mentally or in the heart right away the grief of letting someone I love go takes time even when it's the healthiest thing oh yes it hurts it hurts it hurts a lot you know what's one of the things that hurts the most for me karma them from the conversations we have had probably hits one of the biggest griefs is that we spent so much time trying because to walk away and admit that it's not going to work makes all of the time that we tried feel wasted all of the years or days or weeks or months that we put on it it feels like failure to admit that we tried so hard and tried so hard which is true because it's almost sounding like Yoda at this point the goal here is actually to stop trying to stop trying so hard and to start deciding to start saying what is in it for me what do I want to do what do I feel comfortable with and to decide and say like do or do not there is no try to say I don't like yelling doesn't mean yelling is bad a lot of people yell but I'm not available for it that's it I don't feel comfortable when I'm spoken to in a certain way that doesn't mean it's bad maybe it's been fine in other family dynamics or with other people but I'm not available for it or I don't enjoy it when I'm spoken to in a certain way in the morning I might have to leave in the morning I might have to not be available for this I might have to say no but I am exploring my ability to opt out and decide for myself and that's okay so with those questions and with the fact that I didn't drink anything and starting to lose my voice I'm going to start winding down so if anyone does feel called to make a donation I do really appreciate it I'm having a lot of fun on insight timer but getting more serious on it and setting up editing software and getting things structured and I really appreciate that I do have a backlog of about five recorded live classes I'm going to put things together and thank you very much Catherine and I hope you see those soon and if not I also would really love a follow for those who are new because I love the little tribe that we're building and I love seeing you all greet each other and I love the opportunity to do this and I'm really serious that I don't have to do this I'm doing it because I enjoy it and because it supports me and I hope it supports you but with the limitation of really only getting to talk to you through this chat or group the more that you communicate and let me know what serves you what helps you to be communicate the more that I'll filter it every class out of the I should go back and do a count but I think we've done about 20-25 different classes now started with someone saying can we do a class on x so please put it in if there's something you want to see that you want to repeat that you want to do you let me know but thank you everyone I appreciate you all and I have to put together classes for next week so I do have a couple of minutes left does anybody have a topic or something that you really want to discuss next week something that you want to have for you I'm going to do three classes next week because experimenting with something else so if there's I'm going to make sure that I don't lose you if I go to another screen to even kind of go through some of the topics that we already have I can't see the screen right now so you know but we have fall in love with yourself about working with your shadow releasing your anger and finding your no letting go of the person you used to be self-worth this class attachment styles and attached finding gratitude and creating a joyful home and routines learning to love the life you're already living letting go of expectations and appreciating what you have working beyond depression minimalism and letting go resolving self-conflict and experiencing clarity and embracing helplessness some about enlightenment or ways of seeing who you really are and looking within and saying who I who am I and envisioning a future and dealing with the fears that come up just as some examples you're welcome Johnny how to deal with family criticism you want to be a bit more specific Trish because I'd be glad to do a topic but is it a critical family is it critical of you is it your relationship what's the piece letting go exercises after establishing boundaries grieving yeah that would be really good I'm very much in the middle of a grief process right now so letting go and grieving building trust and letting go fits in that the anger one is always great I know that one always scares me a little bit because I can't see faces so I can't see reactions so I tend to doing it less but it is a really good one and your thank you pilot overcoming judgment oh okay yeah that'll be the second one procrastination envisioning a future family members who are constantly judging and criticizing gratitude yeah so communicating about criticism okay um I am gonna go ahead and copy this all right now because I'll just schedule the ones that don't fit into next week into the week afterwards um so just give me a second as I go ahead and copy everything that came out of today that you just put in um perfect because I will do all of those at some point in the next few days but um non-reactivity to triggers I actually want to comment on that one one of the biggest things that I see is we have a phrase in my relationship with Katarina that most of the time it's not the trigger it's getting triggered about being triggered and what I mean by that is if you've got triggers it's okay the trigger comes up we feel through it we ask for space we settle down that's actually the next course I'm waiting to have a good quiet two three hours to record that people in the group gave some really good feedback on is about saying if I'm triggered go take space if they're triggered go take space take space appropriately and come back and talk about it do not try to push through a trigger it doesn't work that way so when people have the expectations of I'm not going to react to triggers then they often get triggered about being triggered so to use a live example you might get somebody might say something you might get angry and you're like I'm not supposed to be angry I've been working on this this anger isn't supposed to happen I'm supposed to be better than this now now I'm just like them that's getting triggered about being triggered but if you get triggered you say oh thank you what's going on inside I'm gonna go feel it that's okay 90% of resolving triggers the second arrow is meant yep 90% of resolving triggers is about letting a trigger just be a trigger not a continuing series of indictments of your character and progress and skill set that you keep throwing arrows at yourself so yep yeah non-reactivity to triggers let yourself be triggered and feel through and we'll do a good one on that but don't blame yourself for having triggers everyone has triggers I mean I can have a bit of a rebellion to authority and I have had 30 year yogis that I took a yoga teacher training with that I managed to trigger the crap out of everyone has some triggers so love you all appreciate you all I'm gonna get some water before I lose my voice so that I can finish doing some other recording today for you all but talk to you soon