Meeting The Parts Within You: Intro To IFS

Hello,

I wanted to talk about something that I've been very passionate about and has been really healing for me and that is the concept of internal family systems.

So I learned about internal family systems,

I think through listening to a podcast it was introduced to me and then I began to dive in and find out as much as I can and I was enthralled and fascinated and I've read parts of some books on internal family systems,

I've listened to every podcast out there that I could get my hands on and I've also done a training.

I'm still in the middle of completing the training but I'm doing a training through the Internal Family Systems Institute.

This modality was created by Dr.

Richard Schwartz in the 1980s.

He was a family systems therapist,

He did his doctorate in internal,

I'm sorry in family systems.

He was applying this type of therapy in his practice and family systems is really about understanding how the entire family is part of the therapeutic process of treating an individual.

So we need to understand the different parts that a person in a family plays and how it affects the entire not only family but it affects the person and how they react to things and how they're able to heal.

So in this work he had a particular subset of clients that he was working with that had eating disorders and bulimia in particular and he began to he began to notice a pattern of how they would talk about what their experience was,

What they were going through and they would say things like,

You know,

Part of me really didn't want to do that but a part of me drove me to do it and they kept referring to these aspects of self,

These parts that were showing up and it was a consistent pattern enough so that he started to kind of really tune in and he began to talk to the part and he would ask the parts,

Well why are you here?

What do you need?

What's happening?

And he would get an answer from the part not just from the whole person but the part would have something distinct and different to say from another let's say aspect of self.

So then he started taking his information and doing some his own self-reflection and he realized like oh I also have these aspects of myself,

These parts that are showing up that aren't always aligned.

So he then created this from his work and from his own self-exploration this new modality called internal family systems and internal family systems basically recognizing that there's a multitude of sub-personalities within every person and these sub-personalities have different roles and are doing different jobs to protect and take care of often exiled,

Vulnerable,

Emotional,

Traumatized aspects of ourself that do not want to be exposed because those parts have experienced pain and don't want to experience that pain again and want to have situations or things in their life that re-traumatize or have that pain be brought up again.

So then these sub-personalities have been created in order to take care of those soft vulnerable squishy parts inside of ourselves.

So let me explain how he kind of categorized these types of sub-personalities to help you understand a little bit further.

So there are exiles which are the deeply hidden,

Wounded,

Painful like motions like shame and fear inside of ourselves that are often very difficult to expose and then there are the personality type sub-personalities that come out that are either managers or firefighters.

So these are protector parts.

They are taking care of the vulnerable parts inside of us.

Managers do so by taking on a management role of I'm going to be perfect.

I'm going to have my shit together.

I'm going to make sure that none of this pain is showing up because I'm going to be one step ahead taking care of and you know being on point and that's a very kind of like internal mental process.

They show up and they just kind of take over and take care of a situation before an emotion can actually be exposed and then there are firefighters and these are sub-personalities that take over when there's potential for the internal emotional parts to be exposed.

So that shows up in a few different ways.

It can be a numbing behavior by distracting by numbing out through substances.

This is where addictions come in.

It could be things like even tuning out through binge watching of a show.

It can be through drinking to numb out feelings.

It could be through any kind of repetitive behavior that distracts from feeling.

It can also be an emotion.

Anger can be used as a distractor from maybe it's a shame that's coming up and if you get angry it can distract from what's actually going on because then it just pushes away from what's actually happening and then there is the core aspect of a person which is self and the self is what I would like to say is the part that's most adult,

Most connected to higher self.

It's the most whole essence of us and it is not really a part per se but it is our core beingness and there are different c words that explain when you're in self what actually shows up.

So being calm,

When you're curious,

When you're compassionate,

When you're confident,

When you're courageous or creative,

When you're in a place of clarity or when you are creating connection.

When you're in those states of being you tend to be more centered in your true self.

So when you think about when somebody says something that potentially triggers you and you get angry or you don't want to deal with it and you go and do something like you know doom scroll instead of feeling the feeling.

That's not really a centered calm space.

That's a distraction or a protection from actually feeling whatever emotional trigger was coming up.

So this system is really beautiful because it allows us to have compassion for the different aspects of self parts that show up because the parts showed up in order to do a job.

They were in essence created or parts of our personality that come online in order to take care of an exiled vulnerable part that feels shame or is hurt or scared and doesn't have safety in that moment.

Many different things that don't want to be exposed.

So instead of being upset with ourselves,

Shaming ourselves,

Feeling bad about ourselves when we have a very you know like manager part come out that's just taking over and being a perfectionist or when we have a firefighter come out and do some destructive things that we wouldn't normally choose to do.

Instead of adding to our layers of negative feeling about ourselves,

We can take a look at that part in a compassionate way.

And so Internal Family Systems has a particular way of inquiring into what's going on when these parts show up.

So I've worked with a couple Internal Family Systems therapists that have helped me understand how to go inside because when I first heard about this,

I thought this sounds great but how do you can touch like how do you tune in to you know when these parts are coming through like how do you actually work with them and understand them so that you can learn how to integrate them.

And it really began with the somatic body sensation.

So like if you think about okay when you are feeling a particular repetitive kind of emotion or trigger that comes up,

Where is it in your body?

And when you identify it within your body,

Then you can start to sort of conceptualize it as okay what what age is it?

You can ask these questions of yourself as you're like going inward and like tuning into like you know is it too up in your throat?

Is it a strong energy sensation or throat or is it in your gut?

And then when you look at that and or when you actually when you feel it,

You can tune in and say well how old are you?

And you'll usually hear an age and then you can say well what do you need?

And you'll hear an answer and then you know what do you have to say?

Again you'll hear an answer and through that you're able to kind of uncover what the job or role a particular part is playing and what it's what it needs,

What it wants,

What it's trying to do and express.

So instead of when you do something that you don't like or have a behavior repetitive behavior that shows up or if you you know have these addictive kind of tendencies,

Instead of being angry with yourself,

Upset with yourself,

And shaming yourself which doesn't help you heal,

You can embrace that part of yourself that is showing up in those moments and give it the love,

Kindness,

Compassion,

Understanding that it actually is originally looking for because underneath that is probably a wounded child self.

Underneath that is probably a part of you that is feeling really hurt or scared that just needs to be taken care of,

Recognized,

Paid attention to.

So when you do this internal work,

You start to embrace yourself and understand your humanity in a way that allows you to have more self-love instead of rejecting part of yourself because I don't believe that any aspect of ourselves can be detached.

It can only be integrated.

No aspect of ourselves can be thrown out.

The behaviors can certainly be changed but it's usually through a loving lens that a behavior is more than likely going to be shifted.

So what happens when you discover a particular part,

Like let's say there's a manager part that comes on board when we're scared.

Like let's say we're going into a meeting where the other people make us nervous and there may be somebody that reminds us of someone that was a parental figure that was authoritative and we're going into a meeting.

We have that little part of us that's like,

Oh crap,

Like I don't feel good in this situation.

So the manager is like,

I'm going to be as competent and in charge and perfect here so that that situation doesn't happen again.

So I don't feel vulnerable again.

So instead of just allowing that manager to keep taking over and the perfection is to take charge in our own quiet time,

We can observe ourselves and talk to that part that's scared,

That was threatened in the past and so that give it the love and attention that helps us feel safe.

And that manager then can be told through the lens of,

You know,

The self showing up and speaking to it saying,

You know what?

Thank you.

Thank you for doing this job.

You've been trying really hard and you've done a really good job,

But can you maybe step back a little bit and calm and calm down so that we can talk to the scared child or whatever is happening inside and maybe you don't have to go away,

But maybe you could start to navigate the world in a different way.

Maybe you can start to help us see with discernment when we need to take care of things,

When we need to get our kind of organizational side on board and do it in a way that is less perfectionist,

But like finding systems of organization that help us stay on track without being so controlling or in charge,

If that makes sense.

So that's just one example of how you can begin to understand what's underneath,

Talk to it,

Give it the love and compassion and embrace yourself as a whole and then shift the behavior from something that is overbearing or in the way and then allow it to soften into something that's useful.

So yeah,

This has just been a really healing journey for me because I've been on a path of trying to find ways to continually create more compassion and self-love in my life,

Compassion for myself,

Which leads to more compassion for others,

And this has been one of the most useful frameworks that has allowed me to embrace my entire self.

So now when something comes up where I know that emotional trigger is taking over,

Instead of me feeling bad about it or feeling like,

Gosh,

Why are you reacting this way?

I look at it as like,

Oh,

There's something underneath here.

What do I need to take care of myself in that moment?

Who do I need to be in the selfhood so that I can embrace with love and kindness whatever difficult,

Confused,

Scared aspect is showing up?

So it's a complete shift in how we view ourselves and complete shift in how we talk to ourselves.

So we come from typically a judgmental kind of framework in terms of shaming or trying to talk down to these things that we don't like and then shifting it to a loving self,

A loving parent for our own inner children.

So I hope this kind of little overview has been interesting and understood and I'd be curious to find out if anybody else has had an experience with internal family systems or if just any of this has resonated.