Meditation For Dismissive / Avoidant Attachment

Go ahead and straighten up.

Push the crown of the head up towards the ceiling.

Start settling in.

We're going to start the meditation like we did a few minutes ago with three really deep breaths.

Go ahead and inhale super deep and then retain the breath below the navel.

Retain the breath.

Exhale and extend the length of the exhale.

And now inhale once again very deeply.

Retain the breath below the navel.

Exhale.

Now exhale.

And now once again inhale very,

Very deep.

Retain the breath below the navel.

And exhale.

Okay,

Good.

So now what we're going to do is we're going to reinforce the perfect nurturers either these,

We're going to basically imaginal parental figures that are going to reparent us later in the meditation,

But we want to just reinforce this concept.

Okay,

Rather reinforce the experience with the perfect nurturers.

Okay.

Imagine that you're a young child.

Between the ages of one and five years old.

You're in a totally safe place.

And now,

Imagine a perfect nurturer.

This is a parental type figure.

And the figure is perfect in every way.

You could also call this the good parent.

And so this good parent or perfect nurture approaches you.

And now the first thing that you notice is that this perfect nurture has a really sweet and trustworthy interest in you.

Totally trustworthy.

And you can really see this in a convincing manner.

This is clear to you.

Notice how you feel secure and safe with this perfect nurture.

Notice how they're sweetly attuned to you.

They see what's going on for you.

They're so interested.

They say,

Oh,

What's going on?

What's new with you?

Oh,

It looks like you're having such and such experience.

See the details of that now.

So attuned and so interested in you.

And now,

Have this,

And it can be either one perfect nurturer or two.

So have these perfect nurturers also give you physical affection in a way that feels good for you.

So maybe they hold your hand.

Maybe they give you a hug.

They now shape the scene in such a way to meet your needs.

Everybody's a bit different.

And also notice how this physical affection or sense of physical support and proximity is really well attuned.

That's exactly what's supportive to you.

And that might be no physical contact.

And now also feel into how,

What your experiences and what you want is really important to these perfect nurturers.

That's right.

Okay.

And so now we're going to experience compassion,

Soothing,

And more attunement from the perfect nurturers.

And as we set that up,

We're going to bring up some bit of unresolved material,

Unresolved,

Some sort of upset from our lives.

And go ahead and bring up something that you find upsetting,

A piece of suffering from your own life,

And kind of trigger yourself in that way.

And now just notice all the different emotions that are coming up,

Anger,

Sadness,

Grief,

Despair,

Whatever it is.

And now the perfect nurturers come to you.

And they see that you're upset.

And they really are interested and understand every one of the emotions that are coming up.

They might even say,

Oh,

It looks like you're having such and such feeling.

Go ahead and develop that theme now.

And of course they see that you're suffering.

And their attitude is this,

How can we help,

What can we do to help,

Help you move through this,

We want you to feel better.

So now develop the scene in such a way that they just support you in the way that you need support right now.

That might be more attunement.

They might say something nice to you.

They might give you physical affection.

Go ahead and develop that scene now.

But of course you're upset about this.

That makes sense.

And your emotions and your experiences around this are valid.

They matter.

Also,

There's this complete confidence that you're going to move through this beautifully,

It's just a matter of time.

But that,

That's not to rush you in the least,

They're really sweet and patient.

Go ahead and see all of this in the scene.

They say just the right thing.

Maybe you need to explain something to them or get something off of your chest.

You can talk to them.

And they respond in just the right way.

Really taking that in.

Now shape and reshape the scene in such a way to really get your needs met.

And also notice how meeting your needs,

Supporting you in this way is a complete delight for the perfect nurturer.

They're so happy to do it.

And now,

Just to repeat this is all just a kind of reinforcement for the meditation that we're going to do in a few minutes.

At this point,

Go ahead and start noticing how you're feeling better.

You're starting to come back into emotional regulation.

And now,

See how you're feeling better,

You're being soothed is a great joy for the perfect nurturer.

They're so happy that you're feeling better.

Really take that in.

That's right.

And now notice how you're working through this upset,

You're sharing the upset and then feeling better.

All of this is a shared experience.

There's been this kind of synchronization between you and the perfect nurturers.

And that reinforces the sense of belonging,

Sense of family.

Okay,

Good.

Now we're going to,

We're actually going to move into the primary meditation.

So like I mentioned earlier,

So this is,

We're still in the meditation.

So it's called your posture.

And we're going to come into one of the primary schema or negative belief of dismissing attachment or avoidant attachment.

And so the one that we're going to the kind of belief that we're going to come into is like this sense of internalized rejection or shame or defectiveness.

So,

Go ahead and feel into the sense of like,

Oh,

Like,

I'm not good enough,

There's something wrong with me,

Etc.

And then to be clear,

Have faith,

We're going to work through this with the perfect nurturers,

You will end the meditation feeling soothed and better.

So,

Bring up the sense of like,

Oh,

There's something wrong with me.

Oh,

I'm not good enough.

Be how this conditions,

The way that you see yourself,

Others,

And the world.

Go ahead and see that this is a lens.

Like when you're in your schema of defectiveness and shame.

You see yourself a certain way.

You see the world a certain way.

And you see others,

A certain way.

Go ahead and investigate that now.

Okay.

And now,

Before we go into the kind of deep re-patterning sequence,

Let's keep studying how it is that this schema or this belief about our defectiveness and shame manifests or rather forces certain behaviors.

So notice when you're in this mode of viewing life,

You behave certain ways.

You might avoid certain situations,

You might kind of really work hard and overcompensate and fight against things or people or aspects of yourself,

Or you might just kind of surrender.

Go ahead and notice these different behaviors that arise out of the mind state of defectiveness and shame.

You're not giving yourself a hard time,

You're just studying and trying to understand all the different behavioral means that you employ to cope with this negative belief.

And you might notice that these behaviors are very stereotyped,

Very repetitive.

Okay.

Very good.

Now come back into the schema.

So really re-experience the shame and defectiveness.

Once again,

See how this colors the way that you view self,

Other and world.

Okay,

So this toxic lesson,

You learned it somewhere.

You had experiences that taught you this.

So go ahead and float back to an earlier time in life,

Likely childhood,

But possibly adolescence or adulthood,

Where this message,

This negative learning about yourself was reinforced.

And also this can be a real memory,

Or like a composite amalgamated memory.

Okay,

You're in this memory you found it.

Notice how old you are.

Notice who you're with.

And then especially notice how you feel and notice all the thoughts that come up.

You probably don't feel very good.

This was a negative experience.

Really notice what all this feels like,

Feel it in the body.

And also,

Notice how this caused to some extent and reinforce this negative belief in you.

This would have had the same effect on anybody else.

There's nothing especially bad about you for learning this lesson.

Anybody would have learned the same lesson.

Go ahead and see that for just a minute.

Okay.

And now one more time come back into the scene and re-experience what this was like.

We're about to have an emotionally corrective experience around this.

Notice the feelings and the thoughts.

Okay.

And so now,

Bring the perfect nurturers into the scene.

And there's two things that they do primarily.

They protect you and keep you safe on the one hand,

And then they soothe you and comfort you on the other.

So go ahead and have them protect you and like really stand up for you.

Go ahead and do that now.

Maybe they need to confront someone that treated you poorly.

Or maybe they just need to kind of give you some encouraging words like,

Oh,

There's nothing wrong with you.

Go ahead and develop that scene for a moment,

And then we'll move into soothing.

And now you really feel stood up for and supported.

Really feel into that.

And now as you feel supported and stood up for,

Notice how the posture straightens up.

You hold your head a bit higher.

You're already starting to feel better.

Okay.

And now,

The perfect nurturers also really get at what it was like to go through this.

This was a difficult experience.

They really understand what you went through.

Also,

They know that fundamentally,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you,

In the least,

But you did have these difficult experiences.

And they move to soothe you and comfort you.

Go ahead and develop that scene now.

And also notice,

This is a great delight for them to be with you.

They're so happy to support you in this way.

You are a joy to them.

And they're just endlessly patient.

Whatever it is that you need,

They're so happy to provide it.

Go ahead and develop that scene now.

That's right.

Keep going.

And also,

If you need more kind of protection and safety,

More that the perfect nurturers confront this person that treated you poorly,

That's fine.

Develop that scene.

Or if you just want more understanding,

Soothing,

Encouragement,

That's fine.

Go ahead and develop the scene that meets your needs right now with these perfect nurturers.

And now also notice how the perfect nurturers love being close.

Love,

And like,

See and respect your desire to connect.

See that wanting to connect,

Wanting to be close to someone else is totally natural,

Totally okay.

They're just so happy to be with you.

Keep developing the scene.

That's right.

They're so responsive.

They say the right thing,

Etc.

Really taking the support.

Okay.

And now,

Here we're going to start emphasizing the emotional memory,

The consolidation part of the meditation.

So now I want you to notice how the way that the perfect nurturers have treated you actually disconfirms this negative belief or negative expectation that you started out with,

And that that negative scene,

Reinforcing you.

Go ahead and see how that those are at odds.

See how this sweet and supportive way that the perfect nurturers are with you,

Changes your expectations of life.

Really take that in.

Really feel into that.

Good.

And so now what we're going to do is go back to this earlier scene.

Before it ever happened.

And we're going to rewrite this earlier negative scene where the negative belief was reinforced.

So go ahead and start this negative scene.

But now you're with the perfect nurturers.

And now this old scene goes really well.

It goes perfectly in every regard.

So the negative thing didn't happen and some positive alternative scene happen.

That's right.

Key developing the scene.

And now make this really experiential really feel this in the body.

We're creating an emotionally corrective experience so it's got to be experienced.

Again,

All this support.

And now notice with this support with this with being delighted and in this way with being a tuned with all this opens up that you can really kind of restore this quality of childlike wonder.

Feel into that.

And now,

What we're going to do is we're going to see our whole lives from this moment forward unfold really beautifully in line with all these positive experiences that we've had now.

So now do a scene where you see your real adult self,

Moving through life,

And really being able to connect with others socially being delighted in delighting and others,

Expecting support expecting a chin.

Go ahead and see that scene now.

Notice how all these positive social interaction,

Kind of really embedding are marking you deeply feel what this feels like in the body.

Also,

And this is very important.

Notice how this changes your sense of self,

How you have now a more positive sense of a social self.

Really take that in.

Notice how others are so responsive to you.

It is easy to get to rather elicit the desired and positive responses from others.

Go ahead and see that now.

Good.

And so now having a consolidated sense of a positive social self expecting all the support and positive social interactions.

Now,

Let's do a scene where you go out,

Kind of into the world and explore what is meaningful to you,

Or you go and kind of assert yourself,

Go after what you want.

Go ahead and do a scene where you explore what's meaningful to you.

Then your real adult life.

Also notice how this is going so well.

You have the desired impact on the world.

Also notice how supported you feel the perfect nurturers are there supporting you cheering you on.

Really take this in.

Also notice how there's this sense of inner trust.

It's like you trust what you want.

It's good.

It's okay to go after what you want.

Really feel into that.

Now see how all of this reinforces a healthy sense of agency.

You can set your mind to something you can go out and do it really feel into that.

Good.

Now we're just going to do two more small steps in the meditation.

So this next step is about compassion,

And it kind of broader understanding.

So look back at this earlier kind of negative belief that you worked on,

And see how corrosive and damaging it was.

How it really caused suffering in your life.

And now,

Rest assured.

This is a common experience.

There are so many others who have had similar difficult experiences.

And now kind of envision all these other people that have had difficult experiences along the same lines that you have,

And that have felt who have felt real suffering,

Similar to what you have felt.

And now feel into this sense of common humanity and camaraderie connection.

And now,

On the in breath,

Reflect on the suffering that others have gone through that you know so well.

And then on the out breath,

Send peace and well being to all beings that have suffered in this way.

So on the in breath,

Reflecting and recognizing the suffering on the out breath,

Sending peace,

Healing and well wishing to all beings that have suffered in this way.

Okay.

Good.

Go ahead and let that go.

And now for just 30 seconds,

Reflect back,

What was this like what did you learn.

Just reinforce any lessons.

Good.

I'll count from five to one.

And when I get to one you'll be awake and present in the room.

That'll then the experience.

54321 Awaken present in the room.