The Search For Relief Is Hiding The Truth

Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Claire Downham,

The Queen of Calm,

A transformational life coach.

I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today we're looking at the search for relief.

And the first thing to say about that,

I think,

Is that it's a human thing.

It's just a thing that humans do and have always done,

I think.

And when we think about searching for relief,

It maybe comes from the fact that,

You know,

Many,

Many years ago our ancestors would have felt discomfort that meant that they were hungry or cold or thirsty,

And they would have sought relief for that.

And that had a life preserving aspect to it,

I guess you would say.

But then over time that's changed,

Hasn't it?

And now we have a feeling,

An uncomfortable feeling,

We don't like,

We don't want,

We don't want to be having it.

And we seek to relieve that to get it,

Get past it.

And we may do that in so many different ways.

So one of the ways was that we may avoid the circumstance that we think is creating the feeling.

So if,

For example,

We think the feeling is coming from making a call to somebody from following up with somebody,

From having a difficult conversation with somebody,

Then we may well avoid doing that thing for as long as is possible,

Or in fact forever,

In order to not experience the feeling that we think is coming from that thing we have to do or we're supposed to be doing.

But I think more so now,

It's that seeking of getting rid of the feeling by doing something to ourselves.

Many of us have got the idea that the feeling isn't really coming from the outside.

So we think it's coming from us and we have to do something about us to stop ourselves from feeling it.

And that seeking of relief can come in lots of different ways.

So one of the ways would be a yoga class or a meditation or even regular,

Regularly doing those things in the seeking of making the feeling go way more long term or any other kind of healthy,

Healthy things that we are encouraged to do in order to not feel the way we're feeling.

And then there's a whole other set of activities which society will categorize as being different,

As being wrong,

As being unhealthy activities like drinking and smoking and taking drugs and you know,

The list of those things is endless,

Isn't it?

The things we can do to relieve ourselves that are not particularly good perhaps for our physical body,

They're not good for our physical health.

But it may shock you to hear that I'm going to put both those things in the same category because when we really think about it,

They're both an activity seeking wellbeing outside of us.

So although one looks healthy and one looks unhealthy for the physical body,

They're both the same thing.

They're both I don't feel okay,

What can I do to address that?

What can I do to make that go away?

How can I stop myself feeling the feeling that I'm feeling right now?

And there are two misunderstandings that underpin why we do that.

And you know,

I've done that a lot.

I'm still doing it because I'm still human,

Of course,

And I still will be doing it in lots of aspects of my life,

But not in the ones that are so obvious to me,

Which was the daily doing of meditation and affirmations and,

You know,

Other tools and techniques to try and maintain an okay feeling for myself.

But we all are,

We're all doing that all the time.

That is the human thing to do.

So the first misunderstanding that underpins why we innocently do that,

And it is all due to innocent misunderstanding,

Is that is where feelings are actually coming from in the first place.

So feeling,

We feel what we feel because of the thought in the moment that we're having,

The thought that we're aware of and the thought,

Not just the thought that's kind of passed across like many thoughts do,

But the thought that we've got caught up in,

The thought that we've given awareness to,

Because really thoughts don't have a feeling until we bring them into consciousness.

They can just,

We can have all sorts of thoughts without any feelings really,

Because we don't,

If we don't add to them,

If we don't bring them into our awareness and kind of start adding more to them or try to get rid of them or whatever we're doing to try and manipulate for,

Which just isn't possible anyway.

So that's the first misunderstanding,

The misunderstanding that our feelings can come from anywhere other than thought in the moment.

Your feelings don't come from the outside world.

Your feelings don't come from you being broken in some way or damaged or traumatized or,

You know,

You don't need to work through all that.

It's just in the moment you think what you think and you feel what you feel.

Those,

They're kind of part of the same energy.

They're connected.

So,

So interconnected and that's a hundred percent of the time.

That's true.

And the other misunderstanding is,

Is a model of lack that exists so strongly in the mental health arena now is that we are somehow,

Or we can be somehow broken by life.

So the model is,

The model that we're working with,

Or much of society is innocently working with is that we're born perfect,

But life is cruel and mean and horrible.

And we've been smashed and crashed and a bit like a car that's been in an accident.

We're a bit like that.

We've got crunches in the side.

We've got a bit of a prang at the back.

Our back right hand side,

You know,

Light is hanging out of its socket and there's some dodgy bits in our engine too.

And that's all happened because we've been through life being bashed about.

Now here's a different way to consider or to realize that human beings aren't really like that.

If you never ever thought about the rubbish stuff that happened in your past ever again,

It would have no impact on you.

If it never came to mind,

If it never,

If you were able to take the remnant thoughts from that,

I mean,

I'm not good enough is a great example,

Isn't it?

If you were able to just take those less seriously,

They would just stop having any impact.

They're not,

They're not really attached to you.

They're not really damaging the inside of you.

But innocently we think they are,

Don't we?

We think we're damaged,

But really you,

You're much more analogous with a diamond.

Now diamonds are pretty tricky to smash.

You know,

There's not much you can use to cut a diamond.

There's not much you can do to damage it.

Diamonds are whole and well and perfect just as they are.

And then there's all this thought that we kind of do pick up through life beliefs and thinking about ourselves and habitual thoughts and they kind of cover up the diamond.

But when we go outside of us to either to alcohol and drugs and whatever else,

Or to meditation and tools and techniques and self-development,

We're putting just another layer of thinking on top of that.

When actually the key to feeling good on a day-to-day basis,

Feeling okay,

Feeling calm and having that clarity is just to see where thought is playing a part in taking you away from that.

And as you start to see it,

Every time you spot,

Oh,

I'm caught up in thinking here,

You fall naturally back to that diamond,

To that innate wellbeing,

To that clarity.

Don't need to go looking for it outside of you because it's always there inside.

It never,

Ever,

Ever goes away.

And that's a relief.

It was a relief to me to not have to do all of those things to feel okay.

To just know that I was okay.

Didn't really matter.

I could be upset or angry or grieving or,

You know,

Really wound up,

But I was only ever,

We're only ever,

You and I and everybody are only ever a thought away from feeling okay.

Just that thought in that moment,

As soon as we see it for what it is,

We can fall back to calm.

But it is that searching.

It's that searching for relief that's taking us further and further because more thought equals overwhelm,

Less thought equals calm.

It's just such a simple equation.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downer,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.