Welcome to this short talk and practice learning to love your inner teenager.
It draws on the richness and wisdom of the internal family systems model and will help you to get to know this teenage part of you a little better,
As well as helping you foster more compassion and understanding for this potentially tricky but often misunderstood part.
So what do we mean by a teenage part?
You may be more familiar with the idea of an inner child,
Which is not a new one.
This notion has been around in personal growth circles since the 60s.
In fact,
The term inner child was first coined by Carl Jung in the 19th century.
What is different now is that we have several psychotherapy models based on the idea that we all have different parts of our personality,
The inner child being just one of them.
Schema therapy,
Internal family systems,
Sensory motor psychotherapy and others all operate from this foundational idea that we're not a single unitary self but are made up of a kaleidoscope of inner parts.
This is especially true if you've experienced trauma because your brain helps you cope with traumatic experiences by creating some parts to hold traumatic memories and experiences while others form to help you cope with the trauma.
The psychological term for this is multiplicity of self,
Which I think IFS understands and explains best.
So,
Most of us are familiar with the idea that we have an inner child who is young,
Hurt and needs our love,
Warmth,
Reassurance and healing to help us feel calmer,
Happier and more at peace.
But you're probably less familiar with your inner teenager who is just as important.
In fact,
Richard Schwartz,
The founder of IFS,
Believes we have a whole bunch of young parts inside,
Ranging from infancy right through to young adulthood.
And if you think about it,
That makes a great deal of sense.
Just compare a child at 3 and 13.
They're like different people.
Or think about pivotal moments in your childhood and adolescence,
Especially painful or traumatic ones.
If you get the idea of parts,
Which is now strongly backed up by neuroscientific research and theory,
Then it's a logical step to say that there's a four-year-old holding key memories from age four,
A seven-year-old holding key memories from age seven,
A teenage part holding memories from 13 and so on.
In my personal IFS therapy,
Which has been a wonderful,
Transformative experience,
I've done a lot of work with my teenage parts.
And that's because my teenage years were tumultuous,
To put it mildly.
Especially from 17 to 19,
When I was getting into all sorts of trouble and driving my poor mum to distraction.
Like many teenagers,
I was also unhappy.
I remember feeling so insecure about everything.
My appearance,
Which I really disliked,
Whether I was cool enough or not,
Whether girls like me,
Essentially every aspect of my personality,
My body,
The way I spoke and behaved with others,
Was internally analysed,
Criticised and found wanting.
Hence,
I now understand all the bad behaviour.
I was really struggling and so acted out with a vengeance.
Almost 40 years on,
My life could not be more different.
I live a mostly calm,
Mindful existence.
Thanks to many years of personal work,
Surrounding myself with loving,
Supportive friends,
Colleagues and family,
As well as living according to Buddhist principles,
Life today is mostly pretty good.
I used to be ashamed of those wild times in my youth.
But the more I understood about my teenage years and how unhappy I was,
The more I also understood why I behaved that way.
So I love and forgive him,
That painfully self-conscious teenage part of mine.
He had a good heart,
But was struggling,
As so many teenagers do.
I hope you're starting to resonate with the idea that you have an inner teenager living inside you,
Carrying all the painful thoughts,
Feelings,
Memories and experiences of adolescence and your later teenage years.
And just knowing this is a good start,
Because these parts often feel lost and left behind,
Before we find and start to connect with,
Then care for them.
For your practice,
Try journaling about this period of your life,
Which may be especially important to reframe,
Telling a different story to yourself about how you acted and why.
Creating a new,
More understanding and compassionate story for myself about why I acted out the way I did has been hugely helpful for me.
You may also need to forgive yourself for some wild stuff in your youth.
Or you might just have felt deeply insecure,
Like I did,
As this is a developmental stage when we're acutely aware of what others think of us and whether we fit in,
Our rampaging hormones also making us suddenly,
Painfully aware of boys or girls and whether they're attracted to us.
As you journal,
Try to make sense of any behavior you might regret or be ashamed of,
Through the lens of child development,
Trauma,
Neglect and any painful family dynamics that may have impacted on you as a child and teenager.
Understand that whatever you thought,
Felt,
Said or did was not your fault.
It was just your way of coping with the situation you found yourself born into.
For many of us,
That means a family dynamic that does not meet our developmental needs as children and adolescents.
Family members may have been angry or critical of you.
They might have been drinking or taking drugs.
Perhaps they're unwell,
Physically or mentally,
Which can have a huge impact on us as children.
Being unhappy as a young person may have led you to act out,
Yourself turning to drink,
Drugs or extreme behavior.
Perhaps you rebelled at home or in school.
You may have gravitated towards the wrong crowd or done other things you now regret.
Know that this inner teen deserves,
First and foremost,
Your forgiveness.
They were just doing the best they could in what might have been a painful,
Neglectful or even abusive environment.
They deserve love,
Compassion and understanding as much as any other young person on this planet.
And the good news is that you can give them all the love now that you didn't get at that age,
Through journaling,
Reframing painful memories and perhaps help from a skilled therapist who understands how to identify and work with your inner system of parts.
I have found this process deeply healing,
So I hope you do too.
If you'd like to work more deeply on this teenage part,
You can also listen to my IFS practice on learning to love your inner teenager,
Sending warm thoughts to you and all your parts,
Including the tricky ones.
And I hope you have a wonderful day.
