Hello,
Everyone.
Welcome back.
In the last session,
We focused on getting clear with our intentions and our whys for what we want out of this program.
We also explored Dr.
Gary Chapman's five love languages and took his assessment to gain more insight and awareness with our partners as well as our own needs in a relationship.
Awareness is essential to personal growth and development.
Now that we are clear on our reasons for being here,
We need to focus on creating awareness around our filters.
By filters,
We mean the lenses each of us have through which we view the world around us.
Our filters are shaped and created through our life experiences.
These experiences involve our environments,
Circumstances,
And the people we interact with throughout our lives.
Each of them plays a part and can influence how we see ourselves and the world around us if we allow them to.
Remember,
We always have choice and we get to choose how much and in what ways they influence us.
When we talk about the influence of our life experiences,
It's important to ask questions about them.
How do I see challenges,
Trying circumstances,
Or difficult people?
Again,
How do I see challenges,
Trying circumstances,
Or difficult people?
Do I see them as reasons to quit,
Stay stuck,
Or use them to mistreat others?
Again,
Do I see them as reasons to quit,
Stay stuck,
Or use them to mistreat others?
Do I look at them as teaching moments,
Teachers,
Or opportunities to learn and grow?
Again,
Do I look at them as teaching moments,
Teachers,
Or opportunities to learn and grow?
Do I allow fear,
Anger,
And mistrust to drive my behaviors?
Do I allow fear,
Anger,
And mistrust to drive my behaviors?
And finally,
Can I allow forgiveness and gratitude to enter my life and move me in new directions?
Can I allow forgiveness and gratitude to enter my life and move me in new directions?
These are important questions to ask because they really focus on who and what we allow to influence us and the way we treat each other.
If you're willing to be open and challenge how you see things,
You can literally change your world and how you relate with other people.
Creating awareness here is critical to improving our relationships.
Think about what you learned about love,
Relationships,
Health,
Lovemaking,
Or money from the influencers in your past.
What were some of the things that they would say to you or show you about how they viewed these things?
Again,
What were some of the things that they would say or show you about how they viewed these things?
When you are faced with making decisions about these things,
Do their words or actions still come into mind today?
Again,
Ask yourself this question.
When you are faced with making decisions about these things,
Do their words or actions still come into your mind today?
One of the things you will notice is how you react when one of these things touches on a deeply held emotional experience from your past.
For example,
If you struggled to feel respected or liked by your peers as a child because your family was poor,
You may notice an immediate emotional reaction when someone challenges your financial status today.
We can make all types of decisions today based on younger versions of ourselves,
Especially when we are triggered by something that touches an unresolved issue or emotion from our past.
These triggers are signals to us now,
Today,
For things we need to face and address.
They are like alerts or personal messages telling us we need to look at why we responded to this situation the way that we did.
It's often likely we have a current belief about ourselves or the world which was formed when we were younger.
We owe it to ourselves and those we love to dig deeper into these long-held beliefs and opinions to see if they still help us or hold us back.
We may feel they help us,
But are unaware of how they no longer serve or benefit our lives.
It can be a struggle to let go of or change the things we have felt or believed for such a long time.
We may not even realize the cost of keeping them or how they can promote or prolong suffering for us.
We must be willing to question and re-evaluate our beliefs,
Also asking why we believe what we believe as part of this process.
Just like the why exercise we did in the last session,
Doing this will transform how we live now and in the future.
This is one of the most worthwhile things we can do,
Not only for ourselves,
But also for our relationships.
In our relationships,
We may accidentally trigger our partners through our words and our actions.
As we get to know each other better,
We also learn more about each other's triggers.
Sometimes if we are hurting,
We may also want our partners to hurt too and find ways to trigger them into an emotional response.
It's really true that hurt people hurt people,
And understanding why this happens is important in order for the healing process to begin with our relationships.
Through the process of becoming aware and allowing ourselves to be open to different possibilities and choices,
We create an opportunity to create healing and growth within ourselves.
Only through our own growth do we foster an environment for others to do the same.
When we become vulnerable and willing to change,
We also make it safe for those around us to do the same.
Another beautiful side effect of our willingness to be open,
Vulnerable,
And willing to learn and grow is that the people around us see this non-verbal example.
This includes our family,
Friends,
And the children we also influence.
Many people tend to believe someone's actions versus their words.
This is one of the best ways to teach each other.
When we live what we believe,
We show people who we are,
And they will also be more likely to trust us when we talk about it too.
When our actions match our words,
We build trust.
Trust is an essential component to strengthen connection,
And it's necessary for any relationship to develop.
Something important to remember is that each of us come from different places,
Circumstances,
And environments,
Along with our own unique filters.
When we come together to form a couple,
We must remember this fact.
How each of us sees ourselves and the world around us is completely unique for each of us.
There is a tendency as human beings to assume each of us sees things the same way.
We can also assume our way is the best or right way.
How often do we challenge what we see through our filters or even what we believe?
Again,
How often do we challenge what we see through our filters or even what we believe?
It can feel scary or threatening when our views,
Opinions,
And beliefs are questioned or challenged.
We must also remember the most growth happens when we question things and,
Yes,
Even our own beliefs.
When we remain too attached or indoctrinated into our own beliefs,
It can cause us to become judgmental and misplace each other's value.
We may think we have more or less value than someone else,
And this can also lead to labeling and further dehumanizing them.
This is one of the most damaging things we can do in our relationships.
It may require some of us to have something life-changing or transformational to question and adjust our filters.
We may need to hit rock bottom in our life in order to become humble enough to really look at how we see things and be open to changing them.
Something that has proven effective in expanding and adjusting our filters is traveling and interacting with new parts of the world.
It's also proven to help us improve brain functioning,
To be exposed to new places and cultures.
A natural byproduct of living in different parts of the world or within diverse communities is that we become more open-minded.
We begin to experience life through multiple filters,
Not just our own.
Remember,
No one's value ever changes and we are all doing the best we can with the information we have.
This is critical to helping us see more objectively through our filters.
Sometimes it's tricky to recognize our filters in any given situation.
Your task is to recognize what your filters are when you become triggered.
Here is the process.
1.
You become triggered and recognize the negative emotions you experience.
2.
Take a deep breath and count to 10.
Inhale 1,
Exhale 2.
Inhale 3,
Exhale 4,
Up to 10.
3.
Ask yourself,
Where is this emotion coming from?
4.
When in your life did you first experience this emotion?
5.
Take a breath,
Offer healing and understanding in the memory of that experience.
6.
Ask yourself what you learned from that experience.
7.
Ask yourself if that lesson still serves you.
8.
See if there are other lessons or takeaways from this past situation.
9.
What is a new filter or lens you can create based on love and understanding when this situation arises again?
10.
Practice,
Practice and more practice.
Be patient and kind to yourself throughout this process.
We are all on this journey of life learning and growing at different rates and through unique experiences.
Reframe how you see these moments when you get triggered.
Look at them as cleaning up and clearing negatively stored energy and emotions.
Celebrate them as an opportunity to gain more personal insight and to invite restorative changes into your life.
When we release things from our lives,
Like cleaning a house and then having a yard sale,
We allow new things to enter into it.
This constant process of adding and releasing energy is part of what it feels like to live.
It's the cycle of life.
