Understanding Envy & How To Free Myself From Its Pain

Hi there,

This is Olga Lucia from EQness and today I would like to share with you some insights about envy.

I have always felt fascinated by this emotion,

Because we all have felt it at some point in our lives,

Maybe towards our siblings or neighbors or friends or colleagues at work,

But we all try to hide it.

I was around 8 when I became aware of feeling this emotion for the first time,

And when it happened,

Everything stopped,

Because I was very familiar with this emotion.

I loved reading fairy tales,

And I was doing this every day,

And only the villains were the envious people,

And I didn't want to be a villain,

I wanted to be a good person.

So it kind of left a mark,

And since then I made the commitment not to feel it,

And I developed a strategy to achieve that.

Has it worked?

Well,

That I will keep to myself,

But this will be the initiation to understanding the nature of envy,

A very powerful emotion.

What is envy?

Envy is typically defined as a subjectively unpleasant,

Even painful,

Complex emotion.

It's complex because it's a combination of other emotions.

So this emotion,

Envy,

Is characterized by feelings of inferiority,

Hostility,

And resentment,

But not pure resentment,

Envious resentment,

That appears as a response to unfavorable social comparisons.

It means envy happens when we realize that a person or group of people enjoy an advantage or possession that we desire.

We want to have that.

It can be an object,

Quality of being,

Or attribute,

A social position.

This emotion will appear regardless of how deserving is our competitor,

How many merits this competitor has.

When feeling envy,

We tend to struggle to accept that our rivals have merits,

And we also tend to feel that our competitors don't deserve their advantage,

Or that at least,

Of course,

We don't deserve our disadvantage.

In envy,

Fairness is very subjective,

And our insistence in validating these beliefs of unfairness,

Even though deep down we might know that our perception of unfairness is not true,

Will cause feelings of ill will.

This is highly related.

My subjective beliefs of unfairness will evoke all the other emotions that will produce envy.

The pain we feel in envy is not only due to the advantage the other is enjoying.

Extra pain comes from comparing ourselves to our competitor,

And as they have the advantage,

It's clear,

We are inferior to them.

When we compare ourselves to others,

We get some information about ourselves and about how successful we are.

If we perform better than others,

It shows that we are succeeding,

And if we do worse than others,

Then of course we are failing.

Then,

When we realize that relative to the other,

We are doing worse,

It will cause a lot of pain because it will hurt our self-esteem,

Our self-worth,

And our self-concept.

Envy is a social emotion,

As we have seen,

But expressing envy is socially undesirable,

Is not accepted,

And we learn this early in our lives.

When we start being rejected,

Each time we openly and loudly announce our unhappiness when someone close to us gets more advantages than us.

We see this when we are with our siblings or with our friends.

We want to have better things than them.

If they have something better,

We start to feel uncomfortable and sometimes through a tantrum.

But despite the bad reputation of envy,

According to evolutionary research,

It has a very important mission to fulfill,

And it has been crucial to our survival.

What is the function of envy?

As always,

When talking about our emotions and how important they are,

I have to talk about our ancestors.

According to evolutionary accounts,

To be here,

Our ancestors had to compete to survive.

They were always trying to be the closest rival,

To be able to get the best resources or the best life partner.

These two things were very important for their survival and the survival of their offspring.

Since competing was so essential for our ancestors' survival,

It is easier to assume that our brain is wired to keep track of how well we are doing with respect to our competitors.

Like if we have a sort of biological meter that is always measuring how well is the other doing compared to us.

And when it detects that we are inferior to our rivals,

It will trigger an alarm that we will feel in the form of envy.

Following this line of thought,

This will mean that to do well and guarantee our survival and that of our genes,

Our biology is programmed not to do the best we can because we may not do enough or we may do more and use more energy than we need to use,

But we are programmed to do better than our closest rival,

Who is competing for the same resources in a determined field.

Because only in this way we will be able to secure the resources available.

Then,

The pain of envy may have motivated our ancestors to fight back,

To eliminate that threat.

And this will not necessarily mean eliminating the rivals,

Because at that time being part of a group was also essential to survive,

And getting into disputes with our peers would have meant exclusion of the group and of course death.

The pain of envy may have motivated our ancestors to make the effort to get the same advantage their rivals had.

Learning how to become better than their competitors may have improved their chances of survival.

And so,

Envy's individuals survived,

Meaning that envy also survived with them,

Being somehow a symbol of successful social competition.

Envy is then an emotional adaptation that has been shaped by natural selection,

And since nowadays the competition is not for vital resources,

But for social advantages,

Such as a job position or social status or a type of partner,

Envy may serve us to mobilize resources to get the upper hand in a situation that is meaningful to us,

Or to eliminate that social status difference that exists between ourselves and our superior others.

From a neuroscientific point of view,

Neuroimaging studies have found that envy has its neural signature.

Brain imaging studies have found that there is a connection between envy and different frontal areas in the brain that are very important for emotion regulation and for self-evaluation.

They have also found that certain temporal regions of the brain that are implicated in social perception and social reasoning are related to envy.

An interesting note that I found interesting is that researchers have also found that the level of activation of certain brain areas is positively correlated with the degree of envy we experience.

I find that kind of cool.

Now,

From this point of view,

Somehow envy suddenly seems to me as a novel and dignified emotion,

Because in principle there is nothing wrong with wanting to be better and to have the best position we can.

But then,

When everything goes wild,

What is the problem with envy?

As I often say with negative emotions,

The problem is not to feel the emotion,

But how we respond to it.

We need to understand it,

To be able to learn how we can deal with it in a healthy way.

Envy motivates us to be better than our competitors.

And we can achieve this basically in two ways.

One,

We work to become or look more attractive,

Appealing or competent than our competitors.

Or two,

We work to make our competitors look less attractive,

Appealing or competent.

And here is the problem.

What path should we choose?

Or which one should we actually choose?

So,

Despite the usefulness of envy,

The main problem with this emotion is that it is characterized by feelings of hostility,

Bitterness and ill will.

And the problem with hostile feelings is that they may prompt hostile actions.

Now,

Why do we deny feeling envy?

This may happen due to two things.

One,

Social norms.

As I have mentioned before and as we all know,

Social convention dictates that we celebrate others' successes.

And when we don't do that,

It is considered low and reprehensible.

And as we have a strong need to belong,

This was very important for our survival in the past,

We really feel the pain of rejection.

We need to be part of a group.

Then,

We may openly express joy to follow convention while keeping envy secret to avoid rejection.

The second possibility may be that we use envy,

The secret of envy,

As a strategy.

As we know now,

Envy is about competing for limited resources,

Limited editions or job positions or limited potential partners that are desirable to us.

Then,

Keeping envy secret will give the envious person the possibility to avoid new failures and to influence people around about their perceptions they have regarding us compared to our rivals in a way that we improve social decidability and advantage.

It means making ourselves look better and the other look worse.

Also,

Openly admitting feeling envious means that the person is publicly disclosing his or her weaknesses,

As well as revealing that it is in an inferior position than the rival,

Which will most likely become disadvantages for the envious person's goals,

Since any action or words directed to be better than the rival can be seen in a negative way.

Now,

There are different types of envy and I am not talking only about good envy and bad envy,

Which they also exist,

But,

Ok,

Basically there are two different forms.

They are not only different by definition,

But also neurally,

Which means that the brain shows different activations depending on the time.

These are dispositional envy and episodic envy.

Dispositional envy is a trait and it reflects an individual's tendency to experience envy across a variety of tasks and situations,

In which he or she suffers chronic feelings of inferiority and ill will.

People with dispositional envy have low self-esteem and low life satisfaction.

They have difficulties appreciating their own positive qualities and the positive aspects of life that are around them,

And they do have this tendency to detect other people's fortunes and to feel offended about it.

Episodic envy is a state and is situation specific.

It means it is limited to particular experiences,

Events or people or person.

It can be experienced by anyone,

Which means that the amount of people experiencing episodic envy is larger than the people with dispositional envy.

To experience episodic envy,

We don't need to have an inclination to feel inferior or experience ill will.

It is a temporary experience.

In both cases,

Dispositional and episodic,

There is benign and malicious envy.

So,

You have the benign and malicious version.

Benign envy is not really envy since there are not hostile feelings.

This is more related to admiration that leads to improving oneself.

In benign envy,

We clearly recognize that the other person has something we want that is precious.

But rather than experiencing disruptive feelings,

We feel admiration,

Goodwill and we feel motivated to model the behavior of the person who has this thing we want.

Research has found that this type of envy is very common in people,

Which is great news.

And that actually benign envy is more common than noticeably malicious envy.

Malicious envy,

On the other hand,

Is envy as we know it.

Proper envy.

Which goal is,

Of course,

To knock the opponent down.

In general,

The tendency to experience benign or malicious envy is very different in every person.

Now,

We have learned what is envy and why we envy,

But whom do we envy?

Because we don't envy everyone.

And the answer is short.

Similarity.

We envy people that are similar to us,

Except,

Of course,

For that thing they have that we don't have and that we want.

And here we come back to social comparisons.

We are always comparing ourselves to others in a way or another and this will happen most likely if the people we meet are similar to us in age,

Gender,

Social educational status.

According to research,

Similarity is a predictor of envy and we will envy people that are at least as good as us in a domain that is really important to us.

Which means that we don't envy people that are similar to us but that are good at things we don't care about.

Also,

We don't feel envious of people that are far superior to us because when we make the comparison,

The difference is so big that we cannot hide this fact and we place this person in a different superior category,

Reducing in this way our expectations.

Now,

What can we do to deal with envy in a healthy way?

As we have experienced,

Not knowing how to deal with envy is painful and in occasions it may have harmful consequences for our self-esteem,

Our self-worth,

Our relationship with family and friends,

Or in general,

It could be damaging for our wellbeing.

Envy is an invitation to correct our actions in a way that we become better than we were before,

Most accurately,

Better than our rival,

So that we are able to get the thing that we so much desire.

Let's see five things we can do based on neuroscience findings to deal with envy.

The first thing we can do to reduce envy is to pay attention to the situation that is causing the emotion.

We tend to focus on the emotion itself and by doing that we increase the intensity of the emotion and the permanence of the emotion.

Then,

Introspection here is very precious because it will allow us to see,

To notice that our self-esteem and self-worth have been hurt by our own self-judgment.

During this process,

Another very important and helpful thing to do is to reflect on the perceptions we have about our competitors.

Because in this way,

We will be able to let go of this subjective sense of injustice that is the one causing all the emotions that generate envy to appear.

So,

Observe and reflect.

The second thing we can do is to practice gratitude.

Research has shown that envy somehow impairs our capacity to appreciate what we have and to be grateful.

Then,

It will be a good idea to work on improving our connection with the many blessings we have in our lives,

Either internal or external,

And to work on reinforcing our gratitude muscle because this will have a positive effect on our subjective well-being.

Also,

There are plenty of research around showing that there is a strong association between gratitude and happiness.

Then,

You can do the exercise or writing before going to bed three things you are really grateful for,

But it's not about being grateful for anything random.

So,

When you write your praises,

Also write the reason this thing is so wonderful in your life.

The third thing we can do is to improve our emotional intelligence skills.

This seems a little bit general,

But the truth is that emotional intelligence skills are not only useful for managing envy,

But for improving our quality of life.

Emotional intelligence is the capacity we have to properly perceive,

Use,

And regulate our emotions and others' emotions.

Among the functions of emotional intelligence,

There is this one that is very important,

That is emotion regulation.

And emotion regulation is critical for adequate expression of our emotions.

But related to envy,

In simple words,

Researchers have found that the more emotionally intelligent you are,

The less likely you will experience envy.

Then,

Working on improving our emotional awareness can be the first thing you can do to become an emotionally intelligent person.

To do this,

You can start an emotional diary where you will describe daily your emotional experiences.

You will be doing journaling of your emotions.

There,

You will write what emotions you feel,

How you feel them,

When you feel them,

Why you feel them,

And what you think when you feel them.

Learning the cognitive,

Physiological,

And affective characteristics of your emotional experience is essential to properly regulate your emotions.

If this seems difficult for you,

Do not hesitate to look for support,

Or a coach,

Or trainer,

Or psychologist that guides you during this process.

The fourth thing you can do is to practice self-care.

People living a satisfying life,

A happy life,

Hardly will get stuck in the experience of envy.

This is because they tend to put their attention on and give priority to practices that nurture their wellbeing.

When we maintain a good quality of life,

This will help us to stay connected to the joy of being with what we have and,

More importantly,

With what we are.

Adopting daily self-care practices are great to prevent stress and other difficult emotions that may escalate and affect our mental and emotional health.

Make a list of self-care practices and plan ways to introduce them in your healthy living.

Include here activities that will nurture your emotional,

Mental,

Spiritual,

Physical,

And social life.

The last thing I will suggest is to practice self-compassion.

This is last,

But not least.

I am a teacher of self-compassion,

So there is no way I will not include this in each of my talks.

This is very related to the previous point,

But the difference here is that self-compassionate practices probably are more tailored to the situation.

In a stressful situation,

Which is part of everyday life,

We tend to get caught in the negativity of the events,

And we tend to ignore how we receive these events.

In a previous point,

I said that it was very important to focus more on the situation than on the emotion.

And this is not contradictory,

Because here it is not about focusing on my pain,

But focusing on how the situation is affecting me inside.

Then it is important to stay connected to ourselves,

To become aware of our needs,

And provide the necessary support to minimize the negative impact of this difficult experience in our mind,

Body,

And heart,

So that they stay healthy.

So,

That is all for now,

And I hope that this talk has been enlightening for you.

I let you go with much love.

Thank you.