Selfgentleness Step 3: Let Go Of Perfectionism LIVE RECORDED

Hi everyone,

I think I am live.

Welcome to my monthly live here on Insight Timer.

And I know normally I'm here on the second Friday of the month.

In April I'm not here,

So that's why I'm here today.

And I will be back on May 10 with step 4,

But first today.

Today is step 3.

Letting go of perfectionism.

And what are we using to let go of perfectionism?

Self-gentleness.

Right.

My name is Femke Bakker.

I'm a self-gentleness teacher here on Insight Timer.

And I'm so happy that you are here,

That you are joining me to learn more about how you can let go of perfectionism.

In a minute,

A few minutes,

I will get into that,

But let me first welcome you.

I would love to hear who you are,

Where you are in the world,

And if you dare,

If you want.

Can you let me know what your perfectionism or sense of perfectionism is giving you?

That's right.

When you are a perfectionist,

There is something in it that has worth for you.

And I would love to hear from you guys what it is.

What it is for you.

What does perfectionism give you in a positive way?

What is the gift of perfectionism to you?

Let me know and I'm going to check who is here.

So a lot of people are here.

I can see.

Hi Bianca.

Lovely that you are here.

Hi Mary.

Hi Phil.

Good morning to you from Australia.

Hi Mona.

Hi Edgy.

So lovely to see you.

It's been a long time.

Lovely that you are here.

I see Peace.

I am really good.

You're in from the Southern Arizona desert.

That sounds lovely.

Hi Sue.

You're sisters in the Netherlands.

Yes,

You're right.

I'm from the Netherlands.

Hi Cherry.

Hi Glass.

Valerie from Washington D.

C.

Glass,

You're struggling a bit today.

So I'm happy that you're here and I hope that I and the whole lovely community here can lift you up a little bit.

Hi Sheila.

Hi Neil.

Hi Ole.

Seattle in the U.

S.

A.

Frank.

Frank asked if I can also speak in German with you.

I'm so sorry.

No.

Today's live is in English and I do speak Dutch,

Nederländisch,

But my German,

Meine Deutsch,

Is not so good.

So I'm sorry.

No.

I hope you can follow me in English.

Sonia is from Portugal.

Hi Elsa from London.

Hi Catherine.

Laura.

Tanya from New Zealand.

Good morning to you.

Ariel.

Ariel is telling me,

I think,

What perfectionism is giving her.

Getting work completed,

Colleagues can count on me to get things done.

That's beautiful Ariel.

So it's also good to know,

Right,

What perfectionism can give you.

And I really love that.

I think a lot of people will recognize that,

At least I do,

That the sense of wanting to do things good,

To be there for others,

That others can count on you.

Yeah,

That's absolutely a part of perfectionism that can work good for you.

So thank you for sharing that.

Hi Satie.

Hi Monica.

Hi Sue from Auckland.

Cherry.

I have to leave to my uncle in Holland who is in the hospital.

So I will listen,

But I cannot send messages,

But will for three hours in my car with my dad driving to Holland.

Well Cherry,

Safe trip.

Lovely that you listen,

But take care that you drive safe,

Right?

And good luck with your uncle.

I hope he will be feel better soon.

And Mona says,

Perfectionism gives me a sense of satisfaction in doing something well.

Oh,

That's a beautiful set.

Thank you.

Bianca says,

For me,

Perfectionism is about putting the bar too high for myself.

Not realistic.

Yes.

And that is where perfectionism counters against us,

Right?

Can you think Bianca of what perfectionism is giving you in a positive way?

So what is it giving to you so that you stick in a sense to perfectionism?

Because of course,

That is the catch there.

If you know what it's doing for you,

What is worth for you,

You also pinpoint immediately why it is sometimes so hard to let go of perfectionism.

And that's what we're going to speak about.

Letting go.

Glass says,

Perfectionism provides me with motivation to do my best.

That's also beautiful,

Right?

To basically encourage yourself or to motivate yourself.

But it's also a dangerous boundary there,

Right?

Because it can go from motivation to pushing yourself too hard.

But it's also good what it gives you.

Hi,

Mel.

Lovely to see you.

Hi,

Annemiek.

Annemiek says,

Perfectionism gives a sense of control,

Overview and being good enough.

Well put.

I think that's very recognizable for a lot of people.

P says,

My perfectionist gives me the ability to be good at my job,

But I'm struggling between perfectionism and getting things done.

I'm becoming so frozen in my perfectionism.

I'm avoiding the tasks that I need to do.

Yeah.

So there also you are at that border,

Right?

Why are you doing it?

I think someone just mentioned control.

And I think that is always under it,

That we have a sense of control of doing our best,

Getting the best out of ourselves.

Really lovely.

Lovely that you recognize it.

Sorry,

I didn't finish my sentence.

I'm a bit high in my energy.

You know what?

Let me speak about my own perfectionism.

We just start now,

Right?

I will take a look at the other comments in a bit.

So I always say I'm a previous perfectionist.

If you've ever listened to my TED talk,

I recorded the audio here on Insight Timer.

You can listen to it in the free tracks.

I started this with saying,

Well,

I'm Femke Bakker and I'm a previous perfectionist.

And I am.

I really am.

I mean,

I really am previous.

I'm way beyond the perfectionism that I once had.

However,

Why I'm a previous perfectionist,

I explain also in my TED talk,

Is because there always remains that hint,

That notion that you can do better.

And that's why I asked you,

Think of what perfectionism is giving you.

What is the value of being a perfectionist?

Even though you might not be always there,

Maybe you might be a previous perfectionist.

Because it is that knowing that it also gives you something good that you tend to tell yourself,

Why shouldn't I be a perfectionist?

Because it gives me this and it helps me to get work done.

I can be trusted.

Even more,

I can trust myself to live up to expectations when there is the word expectations.

In Self-Gentleness,

I speak a lot about that,

Right?

Expectations.

If you were there in my last live,

It's now also published.

You can listen to it on Insight Timer in my free tracks,

Step two.

Expectations that we have of ourselves.

Very often we think it's the expectations of others,

But basically we have created these expectations in our head,

Often not so conscious.

It's because of the things that we have lived,

We have heard,

That are communicated to us.

But those expectations often make that we try to live up to them.

And when we take those expectations,

And especially our need to live up to them,

A little bit too serious,

We tend to become a perfectionist.

And when we speak about the word perfectionist,

Sometimes people think,

Well,

I'm not such a perfectionist.

But I think we all have this in certain degrees within us.

We all would like to think of ourselves of being able to pull the best out of ourselves,

To be there for others whenever they need us,

To live up to our own potential.

We all have a sense of what our potential is,

And we also know we want to live up to that potential.

There might be a lot of things to do.

And of course,

Those are all stories that we tell ourselves.

For instance,

Living up to your potential means that you know that you are a gifted person who can do many,

Many things.

But it doesn't mean that you have to do all those things.

So a great example is,

For me,

I'm really pretty good at making order,

Structuring things,

Organizing things.

And for a very long time,

I thought,

Because I was good at it,

That I should do that.

And I'm now at the position,

Because I learned,

That I don't like to order things that much.

Only when it serves me.

Let me be honest.

It's really a very good tool to have.

It's a really good way to know that you can order things and organize things and structure it really good.

But I don't like to do it just for everyone.

I just want to do it for myself,

Whenever I need it,

Because it's handy.

But it took me a long time to acknowledge that because I was good at it,

I didn't have to do it.

The same is with knowing your potential or feeling your potential,

But you don't have to live up to everything,

Because you're such a unique person.

Whatever way you choose,

You will always live up to parts of your potential,

But living up to everything,

That is impossible,

Because you are so gifted,

There are so many different things to do.

Okay.

But I started to speak about myself.

I just said,

I'm a little bit high in energy,

And I still feel that I am still high in energy.

And that's because I had quite a busy week last week.

It was actually so busy that when I look back at it now,

I realize it was a kind of a week that I used to have when I was quite a perfectionist.

When I felt that I had to juggle with all the balls in the air,

All the time,

Work,

Family,

Children,

Obligations,

Being there for others,

My friends,

My family,

My own expectation,

Dealing with myself also,

Sometimes quite a task.

And I was really good at juggling all those things,

But it always gave me a lot of stress,

And I forgot to take care of myself.

So over the years,

I've taught myself self-gentleness,

And it's really came a way for me to find ease in my life,

To allow myself to take a pace that fits how I am in the moment.

Because I am someone who sometimes has a lot of energy,

And then I can do a lot of things,

And then I can be all over the place and make sure that everything flows.

But I'm also a person who sometimes just needs to do nothing,

Or just relax,

Or sleep,

Or binge watch television,

Or binge food.

My kids told me that's a different meaning also,

To binge food.

Or you know,

Not being all over the place.

And that is a quality that when I was a perfectionist,

I didn't allow myself that much to do.

Even more,

If I felt that now was the time to relax and do nothing,

I couldn't really surrender to doing nothing.

I always had to be busy.

So over the years,

I taught myself to allow that in my life.

More ease,

More flow.

And flow is really good for me,

Because this is what inspires me,

What makes sure that I can do a lot of things.

So when I wait for my flow,

I can do a lot of things rather than pushing myself to the limits.

But this week,

I had a deadline,

A deadline for an academic paper,

And it had been a long time since I had a deadline for something like that.

And I suddenly noticed,

And then it looks as if everything in your life needs to have a lot of attention also.

And I actually experienced the stress that I used to have when I was a perfectionist.

Only then,

I didn't really notice that stress.

But now,

I've tuned,

I've fine-tuned myself to my emotions.

I've fine-tuned myself to my needs.

And I will tell you,

The stress really didn't feel well.

So I start my life here now today with you,

And I noticed that I am speaking really high and high energy,

And I'm trying to see everything,

Mention everything,

Trying to get the topic straight,

While in my head,

Now,

I'm criticizing myself,

Oh,

I'm speaking too fast,

I'm not structuring my story,

I'm not giving value to everybody about these things.

So this critic in my head,

This perfectionist in my head,

Is here with me right now,

While I'm trying to teach you letting go of perfectionism.

There you have it.

So I always say that I don't want to be your guru who knows it all and that will tell you that I know the only truth and that I know how to do things and that I am your rescuer towards whatever you want to be.

No.

I just want to be someone who lives these things,

Learns from it,

Who has taught herself to become aware of what is going on within me and then to start to take care of myself.

And I think I'm pretty good at that.

I always say I'm a master of self-gentleness,

And it doesn't mean that I'm self-gentle all the time,

It just means that I'm able to recognize it when I'm not and I'm able to find my way back to self-gentleness.

And sometimes it takes a second and sometimes it takes me a week,

Like this week.

So there you have it.

I'm a previous perfectionist and last week I fell in my own trap of not being really a perfectionist because I was also,

I didn't make the deadline in time,

Deadline in time,

I came two days later,

I sent it,

I didn't finish everything with it as I wanted to,

But I allowed myself.

I'm not angry at myself for doing that.

I'm also not angry at myself for experiencing this stress because I'm kind of happy that I noticed that I am unable to deal with stress anymore,

Right?

Once I was really good to deal with stress,

To go on and have pain in my body and stuff like that.

Well,

I also have some pain in my body now and it's telling me that I should take a really nice weekend off and relax and take it easy.

So I'm telling you quite a personal story of how I'm still dealing with perfectionism while I'm pretty sure that I'm a previous perfectionist,

But it's still there.

So yeah,

Also I need to let go.

And self gentleness is really the best tool.

I don't know if you're here for the very first time or you've been here before,

But self gentleness is a concept that I've coined and I've given it also my own definition.

Here it comes.

The definition,

My definition,

Femke Bakker's definition of self gentleness,

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

I'll repeat it because it's a tough one.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

So being gentle with yourself is very often something that we can do.

There are enough instances in your life and maybe even in last week where you know that you've been gentle with yourself because you had a good time or someone told you something nice about you or you did something that you were proud of.

In those moments,

It's really easy to be gentle with yourself.

With my definition,

I'm trying to encourage you to also be gentle with yourself when you feel that you don't deserve it,

When you make mistakes,

When you trip and fall,

When you are experiencing a lot of stress,

When you feel that you don't get the things done,

That also then,

Also when you fail,

Also when you make mistakes,

That you still can give that gentleness to yourself.

And that is the art,

That is the challenge,

And that is a lifelong process.

I always say it's a lifelong work-in-progress process.

And it is because we are human and we encounter all kind of new things and by becoming more gentle with ourselves,

We experience or we open up this peace within ourselves where we get in touch with what it is that we actually want,

What we actually need,

What we need to feel good,

What we need to find ease,

What we need to be kind to ourselves,

What we need to love ourselves.

And that is kind of a work-in-progress because that's also ever-expanding.

I was hitting the microphone here,

Wait,

Because I'm recording this,

Of course,

So that later on you can listen to the audio.

You can re-listen or you can listen if you're not here now,

But you are,

So.

So self-gentleness,

It's,

So on an abstract level,

It's you finding your way to be gentle with yourself.

And when we get to the topic of today,

Which I call Step 3,

Letting Go of Perfectionism,

Which I think would be like Step 3,

4,

5,

6,

7,

8,

9,

10,

Because it's really a thing to let go of that inner critic,

That inner perfectionist.

But it is about that,

And I think the very first step that self-gentleness is,

Is to become aware of what it is that is going on within you and what it is that you actually need.

And that is also why I asked you about your perfectionism,

What does it give you?

Because that little trickster in our own head might make us believe that we cannot let go of those demands that we put on ourselves.

Only below that,

In a very gentle,

Whispering voice,

We can hear what it is that we need.

So for instance,

A few people mentioned getting work done,

And my colleagues can count on me.

Well,

In the normal world,

Where unfortunately self-gentleness is not something that a lot of people are working with,

That sounds like a swell thing.

I am someone people can count on.

I get my work done.

If you tell this to your boss or your colleagues,

No one will tell you that you are doing it wrong.

They will applaud you.

But if you would tune in to the needs that you have,

If you experience a lot of stress for instance,

If you are trying to get your work done and to not let your colleagues or your boss down,

Right,

But when you feel the need there to just stop everything,

Put everything down,

Go home,

Make a nice hot cup of tea,

Go to bed and sleep for 12 hours,

If you would tell your colleagues that,

They would not tell you,

Yeah,

Of course,

Do so,

That's great.

Because we know that when you do that,

You will come back and then you will do your work with ease and we have a way more pleasant colleague and actually we just want you to feel good,

So please do.

When I'm telling you this,

You will probably think,

Yeah,

The world doesn't work like that.

No,

Very often not,

But if we don't start making our world look like that,

That world will not become more self-gentle.

Some people have to start doing it,

Some people have to be the example to themselves and maybe inspire others to be self-gentle,

Right?

So,

I would like you to think of a moment or maybe a topic that you know that your perfectionism is really in your way.

Can you think of something?

If you like,

You can put it in the comments,

I'm not going to read them because otherwise time is going a little bit too fast and I see that a lot of people are sharing beautiful things.

Thank you so much for that.

It's a lot.

I will record this also and I think I can read back the comments later,

So I absolutely will do that to see what you all are saying.

But for you now,

Think of what moment or what topic of perfectionism is really in your way to feel good about yourself.

What are you fighting with?

If there is anything in your own perfectionism that you would like to let go of,

What would it be?

It might be that you have an instance that you think of a certain moment,

It might be more like an overarching thing,

Just think for yourself what it is.

And then see if you can relate those two elements.

So if you know what it is that you need,

But you're not doing it because your perfectionism is giving you something,

What is then the struggle?

What is the friction?

What makes it clash?

What makes it that you are now here because you know you want to let go of your perfectionism exactly because of this?

Awareness can be tough,

But it's a good start.

It's a beautiful start.

To become aware of where you are so harsh on yourself and why you're pushing through every time because you feel you still have to prove something.

Because whatever it is,

In the end we're all trying to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy,

That we are lovable.

And it moves me,

It makes me a little bit emotional now because for me it's the same.

For every human being it is the same.

Even those that might not see themselves as perfectionists,

We all have this to a greater or smaller degree within ourselves.

We all want to know that we are worthy,

We all want to know that we are lovable.

And we are.

That is this beautiful secret that is out there.

We are.

Everyone.

Every being.

Not just human beings.

Every living being is worthy and lovable,

But we tend to forget that.

And the ones that forget that on a regular basis,

Those are the ones that are really perfectionists and we try to prove ourselves every time again.

So let me tell you first something.

It is okay.

It is okay.

You're not doing anything wrong.

It is really okay.

It's so human,

Right?

It is hard to find on a consistent and radical basis that gentleness for yourself,

Let alone love for yourself.

Let's start with gentleness,

But you can get there.

You can and will be there more and more often.

You will never ever have 24-7 self-gentleness,

But that's okay.

Because life happens.

Things happen.

Things that rough us up,

Things that disappoint us,

Things that hurt us,

That's life.

The beauty is to recognize what it does to you and then bring yourself back to being self-gentle.

And perfectionism is such a part of it.

It's almost the other side of the coin,

Right?

Where you are a perfectionist,

You cannot be self-gentle and when you are self-gentle,

You will not be a perfectionist.

You start to see that you are actually perfect as an imperfect person.

So it's all intertwined.

What I really would like to do now is to guide you in a visualization of let's say half an hour total,

Where we are going to explore that thing that popped in your mind up when I asked you what it is,

What is that perfectionist moment,

What is that perfectionist topic within you that you want to let go of.

Because the first things that pop up in our mind are very often the things that our soul is ready to deal with.

Soul,

Unconsciousness,

Whatever word you want to give to it.

So don't overthink it.

Just pick the one that bubbled up in you.

And I just want you to decide right now that this is what you are going to work with.

Because in the visualization,

If you are going to think again,

Maybe this,

Maybe this,

Then you distract yourself.

So this is the one you decide now you are going to work with.

I record this.

It will be an inside timer in some time.

You can re-listen and then you can just do the meditation.

Again with a different topic if you would decide to do that.

All right.

So I see again a lot of comments here,

People sharing all kinds of things.

And I'm really,

Really so grateful for everyone here.

And I so love this community here on Inside Timer and also within my own group here on Inside Timer,

The Temko Self Gentleness Group.

People supporting each other,

Loving each other,

Being there for each other,

Sharing experiences.

I so love that.

And I get a glimpse of the comments and I see that a lot of people can relate here.

Monica is just writing it,

That she's relating to David's experience.

So thank you so much for being here and sharing this.

And it really makes me realize that perfectionism is a really important topic and I,

Yeah,

Maybe I can create some more things around it,

Right?

There are actually,

If you have Inside Timer Premium,

Then you have the other premium tracks and I created not so long ago too.

It's like,

It's not really meditation.

It's like a practice with affirmations where you first relax,

Then you listen to my voice and I lead you to having thoughts that you're perfect as you are,

That it's the one and the other one is to soothe perfectionism.

Speaking about tracks,

There were two tracks released.

Yeah,

I'm trying something else now,

Not just a meditation,

Not just visualizations,

But I've now created a few tracks where you relax and then I guide you through affirming thoughts that you can say with me or you can just listen to my voice.

One is,

I Am Awesome.

The title says it,

Where I guide you to thoughts that are saying,

I am awesome.

And with I,

I mean you.

You are awesome.

Well,

I'm also pretty awesome sometimes,

Actually all the time.

All right.

The other one,

And that was a special request from someone in my self-gentleness group.

That person asked me if I could make a soothing meditation.

So Soothe Yourself,

It is called,

And I know a lot of people who are here have listened to it and reviewed it.

Thank you so much for that.

It's a track that you can use when you need to soothe yourself because,

You know,

Whatever is going on,

You might be feeling not so well,

You might be ill,

You might be grieving,

You know,

The whole range of whenever you need to be soothed and you can just sit,

Close your eyes and listen to that.

And there,

I guide you to help yourself to soothe yourself because again,

I'm here to guide you so you can become self-gentle,

So you know the way to yourself,

To be kind to yourself,

To be gentle to yourself.

All right.

So last promotion,

Yeah,

Also a new course of me on InsightArmor,

It is to learn to meditate.

It is the basics of a workshop that I did a few years ago,

And I know a few people that were actually in that workshop are here now also.

But I created a course of it where you learn to meditate with eight different meditation techniques and then you pick and choose one of them or a combination of those so that you can set up a regular meditation practice.

So a lot of people started already.

It's out there since a few days.

If you are interested in exploring different meditation techniques,

Then check it out.

Okay,

Let's meditate together right now.

I calmed down already a little bit.

Let's calm down a little bit more.

So when I want to calm down,

The best thing is to bring my attention to my body,

Just to feel how I am sitting.

I feel now my,

Feel with me,

Right?

And you can also close your eyes.

Sometimes it's easier to tune in to your body when your eyes are closed.

So let's do that first.

Let's close our eyes.

Now bring your awareness to the way you are sitting.

So you feel your buttocks on the seat,

Your arms in your lap,

Your feet on the ground.

You can rest your back against the back of your chair or the sofa or the wall.

Just make it easy.

Make it relaxed for yourself.

Let's relax our shoulders a little bit by just pulling them up to our ears and then just drop them.

Oh,

It's really good to sigh it out and let's do that again.

Let's pull up our shoulders and then when you drop them,

You just sigh it out as long as you can.

It's really nice if you sigh it out,

To give some voice.

I don't know if you have people around you,

You might not feel comfortable.

That's okay.

But if you feel the freedom to make some sound and just breathe in and make a really long out breath and use your voice.

It makes me laugh.

When you're tuning in your body,

Which means that you're feeling how you're sitting,

You feel the connection with the floor,

With the seat below you,

With your own body,

Your arms on your thighs,

Your back against the seat and then you start to breathe and make some sound to let go of everything.

It feels like relaxing time is here.

It's really good.

It's really good to feel how our bodies are relaxing,

How we land in our own bodies.

You might become aware of places in your body where something might be hurting or itching or have some tension,

So if you have an itch,

Then just scratch,

That's okay.

If you have some tension,

Then make a little bit more tension and then just release it like we just did with the shoulders.

I feel some tension in my forehead,

So I'm going to make a lemon face,

Squeezing everything in and then relax it.

Let's make it again,

Lemon face and relax it.

The beauty of this kind of practice is when you make some tension and you let go of it,

You feel the relative difference between a lot of tension and letting go and secretly you are actually releasing the tension that you already had in your body by exaggerating and pulling up your shoulders,

Making maybe fists,

Squenching your buttocks,

Squenching your thighs and let go.

These are all great practices to get into your body,

To make that connection with your body because the truth is if you want to feel what is going on,

What your needs are right now,

You need to be connected to your body at least a little bit.

You have to be aware that it's not just your head thinking,

But it is your body telling you what is going on within because your body never tells a lie.

So I was working hard on a deadline,

My hands and arms are hurting.

My body is telling me,

Femke,

You've been too much too long behind the computer,

Stop it now.

And I have to listen to that,

I have to honor that.

So I feel now the tension in my arms.

So what I am doing,

I am caressing my arms and I am telling my body,

Thank you.

Thank you for telling me this.

Thank you for telling me that I have to take care of myself.

You might feel a pit in your stomach,

Which might be because you are holding in an emotion or you are a little bit scared or anxious or nervous about something,

Then just caress your stomach and tell your body,

Thank you.

Thank you for telling me what is going on,

It's okay.

And I know with tension in your stomach you cannot let go just like that,

But you can try by leaning back,

Letting go of the belly muscles,

Just make your belly big and just caress your own belly,

Loving your belly,

Loving the softness of the flesh of your belly,

Loving your body for telling you whatever is going on.

If you have a pain in your knee,

Then just put your hand on your knee,

Bring all your attention to that hand,

Holding your knee,

Holding yourself,

Telling this knee it's okay,

I hold you,

I love you.

So whatever is going on in your body,

Tune in and become aware of what is going on there.

You might not be able to solve it immediately,

But you do recognize what is there and you honor that for a moment.

And that,

It might seem like something really,

Really small,

Something maybe even weird,

But by starting to tend to those small things in your body,

You actually make a really big step towards listening to whatever is going on within you and what it is that you need.

How often do you keep on walking when your feet are hurting?

How often do you keep on being awake while you feel that you need to sleep?

How many paracetamol are you going to take when you have a headache,

When you know that just going to lie down for half an hour might do the trick as well?

Listening to our body,

It's something that is so hard for us.

When we are perfectionists,

We so often push through all those messages from our bodies.

So tuning in and feeling what is going on,

That is the first step,

Awareness.

What is it that is going on and what is it that I need?

And if you don't know how to answer the question what it is that I need,

Then ask yourself what is it that I don't want?

I don't want to have a pain in my stomach.

I don't want to have a pain in my arms.

That's also information and that is also a step towards knowing what it is that you do need.

And I know the objection I always hear from people,

Yes I can feel what I need,

But I don't have the time to do it now.

I feel I need to go to sleep,

But I have to get the kids from school,

I have to finish my deadlines,

I cannot do it now.

And that is okay,

That is life,

But acknowledging that you have a need and then promising yourself that you will come back later to it,

That is self-gentleness.

Yes I want to sleep now,

But no I cannot.

So I will take another moment to honor my tiredness,

To give myself the rest.

So I will cancel that other date,

That dinner date of tonight,

Or I will sleep an extra hour tomorrow,

I will take a hot bath before I go to sleep.

There are so many things,

Little things that you can do to help yourself when you start to honor it.

All right,

So let's start with our visualization.

I want you to imagine that in front of you there is this beautiful stairs that is leading up and use your fantasy to shape this stairs.

So if you are someone who fantasizes in images,

Then use your images,

But if you are someone who is fantasizing in knowing or feeling or describing things to yourself,

Whatever way you fantasize,

Use that.

I'm using the language of images,

That is because I always see images in my inner mind,

But it doesn't mean that you have to do it the same way.

Do it in your way,

Right?

And just let my voice guide you to fantasize in your way.

So you now fantasize that beautiful stairs in front of you and it's your stairs,

So you can really shape it like you like.

You can make it from glass,

From gold,

From metal,

From stone,

You can make it look like 16th century,

You can make it really modern,

Like in the 25th century.

Do with it what you like and we are going to climb these stairs together,

Right?

So let's step on it,

One,

Two,

Three,

And you notice that you're looking up and you see beautiful light shining,

It might be the sun or something.

Let's go up,

Four,

Five,

And you notice that while you're climbing these stairs,

It feels like you're leaving a lot of tension behind,

You're leaving a lot of struggles behind.

It feels really pleasant,

As if you actually become more light with every step,

Six,

Seven,

You feel this warm golden light shine upon you,

It's pleasant,

It's warm,

Not too warm,

But it's really inviting you to come up and you feel as if you're getting wings,

So light you are becoming,

Eight,

Nine,

Ten,

And you are now in a beautiful place above the clouds.

The sun is shining,

But this is not the regular sun,

Well it can be,

It's the sun in your imagination,

It might be that you have like three suns,

It might be that it's a really small one,

Or a really big one,

The light might be golden,

It might be purple,

It might be black,

Whatever you like the sun to be,

This is it,

But it is pleasant.

It's really,

Really feeling good to stand here on this place,

And when you look down,

You see everywhere beautiful clouds,

It's almost as if you are in a plane,

And you look down and you see these clouds,

And I don't know about you,

But when I'm in a plane and I look down at the clouds,

I always feel like just lying in them,

Really leaning back into the softness,

The caressing nature of these beautiful clouds that are lifting me so I can float through the sky,

And you know what,

This is actually what we're going to do.

So pick one of those clouds,

Pick the one that has this beautiful shape like a heart,

Or the shape of a ship,

Or the shape of your bed,

Doesn't matter,

Maybe it has the shape of your favorite pet,

Just ask the cloud to come to you,

There it is,

It's floating towards you,

Oh I feel really,

Really excited that I'm going to do this,

Are you with me?

So step on your own cloud,

And oh,

Oh it feels so good,

It's so soft,

It is like it is made for my body,

To sit on it,

To lounge on it,

To hang back,

Oh this is really good,

Oh I think I could sleep in this cloud,

Do you have this sense of ease,

This sense of being more relaxed than when you came here,

This sense of just a pleasant surrounding just for you,

And it's really funny because I now look around and I kind of see you all in your own cloud here,

I see you all hanging back being really,

Really happy and relaxed,

And I see your smiles,

And I see all these beautiful suns shining upon us,

And I feel that we are all together in this moment where we just live life with ease,

With ease and joy and gentleness for ourselves.

I so wish that this feeling that we are all feeling now would be more often a part of all of our lives,

Maybe not 24-7,

But at least once a day we have an extended period of time where we feel like this.

Now when you look in front of you,

While you are really hanging,

Lounging back with ease,

You see there a cloud,

And this cloud is a little bit grey,

It's a rain cloud,

It's a rain cloud,

Nothing wrong with that,

Rain is good for our earth.

But when you look at this cloud,

Then you see yourself,

And what you see is you in that situation or in a situation where perfectionism is not so kind for you.

So if you are the one who is never saying no when people come and ask you something,

And they come way too often to ask things of you and you cannot say no,

And then you see yourself struggling with that,

Because you see yourself getting over all your boundaries,

You see yourself wanting to say no,

But to be unable to say no.

And remember you are here with ease on your cloud,

You just observe yourself there.

When you look at yourself,

You might notice a feeling within you,

A feeling about you when you look at yourself.

So when I look at my cloud,

Myself struggling with my perfectionist,

I feel,

I actually feel compassion.

I so much would like to tell myself over there that it is okay,

That the only thing I need to do is just let go,

Sit down,

Hang back,

Because also in a grey rain cloud you can lay back and relax.

Even when everyone is expecting things of you,

And you have deadlines and you have to perform,

You always have the choice to say,

Okay,

Not now,

I stop.

I know,

I am telling you this and you might feel some friction within,

Right?

You might have immediately thoughts like,

Oh,

But no,

No,

No,

No,

I want to,

But it's not possible.

It is okay,

It is okay,

It is okay.

This is your perfectionism speaking.

This is the part where your perfectionist within wants to tell you that you still need to prove yourself,

But you don't.

You don't have to prove yourself,

Because you are worthy as you are.

You are lovable as you are.

You are perfect as you are.

In all your imperfectionism,

In all your flaws,

In all your being,

You are beautiful.

You are worthy and you are lovable.

Float over with your own cloud,

Being at ease.

Put your hand out and ask yourself,

The perfectionist,

To join you on this easy cloud.

Now watch yourself,

The response.

Do they jump immediately with you?

Do they shake their heads?

Do they make a face,

Are they doubting?

Are they hesitating?

It's okay.

Whatever is going on,

Keep inviting them,

Tell them it's okay.

You can come with me.

You can come with me.

And whether they are doubting or not,

You do see them get on board with you,

Sitting next to you,

And you might want to hug them.

You might want to hold them and say it's okay.

Well done!

Well done,

You came to me.

You let go for a moment.

And together,

Now,

You see how this grey cloud,

With all the expectations and demands that you felt you had to live up to,

Is slowly floating away.

And together,

You can even do something to let it go even further.

You can just watch it floating away,

Or you can start to blow to make sure it will go faster away.

And for some of you,

You might see some strings attached between this cloud and your own cloud.

Then just take a scissor,

Cut them.

That feels good.

Let's see that again.

Maybe you do see those strings,

Then just cut them.

That's such a nice release,

To allow yourself to cut it free.

And while you hug this part of you that wants to be perfect so very badly,

And tell them that it is okay.

You see this cloud float away,

With all the demands and expectations on it.

Do you feel a sense of pride for yourself that you did this?

That you can actually do this in your own mind?

Letting go of what doesn't suit you right now.

It doesn't mean that cloud will not be back.

It doesn't mean that you will not find yourself on that cloud again.

But that is okay,

Because now you know what to do.

You know from a place of ease,

That you can invite yourself to come to this place of ease.

You know that you can soothe yourself,

To tell yourself that it is okay.

That you are perfect in all your imperfectionism.

That you're always worthy.

That you're always lovable.

Just like you are.

So let's finish for a moment by making a promise to this part of us that so wants to be perfect.

Let's promise ourselves this.

I will say it so you can repeat after me.

Just know that you are worthy.

Always.

And I promise you that when I notice that you,

This part of me that is such a perfectionist,

That when you are struggling,

That I will notice this.

And that I will do my utter best to help you.

I might not always succeed in doing it immediately,

But I promise you,

I will notice and I will find my way to your cloud.

So I can bring you to ease with me.

And it might take me a few days or maybe a few weeks or maybe just a second,

But I will make the effort.

And I will not beat myself up if I don't make it immediately.

I will not beat myself up if I don't succeed in helping you immediately.

Because I know this is all part of the process,

But just know I'm here for you.

And together we will find the ease.

We will find the ease.

Because I'm worthy.

And I'm lovable.

And I deserve all the ease in the world.

In the world.

Because when I allow myself to live with ease,

I empower myself.

I empower myself to be a force for myself,

To be a force for others,

And to live a good life,

To be there for others,

Because I am there for me first.

So sit for a moment with this feeling,

This promise.

And remember,

It is a gentle promise.

It's a promise of gentleness.

It's not a promise of perfectionism.

So whenever you notice that you're beating yourself up,

Because you are not able to beat your own perfectionism,

That is up.

Beat your own perfectionism,

That is okay.

It is a lifelong work-in-progress process.

And you're doing it so well,

Because you're here,

You are aware,

And you're doing your best to be as gentle as you can be with yourself.

It is nice to sit like this,

The feeling of ease,

The promise of more ease in my life,

The promise of more gentleness in my life.

It feels good to know that I have my own back.

It feels good to know that I can support myself.

It feels good to know that I can be gentle with myself,

No matter what.

You're doing it so very well,

All of you.

I'm so proud of you.

All right.

Now,

Let's use those beautiful clouds of us to float back down.

We don't need the stairs.

So in your own time,

You let this beautiful cloud descend,

Go down,

And you let it help you land gentle in your own body again.

Take your time.

And when you feel that you've landed and the cloud dissipates,

And you're back in your body,

You can help yourself by wiggling your fingers and toes a little bit.

Stretch your back.

And then in your own time,

You can start to open your eyes.

But take your time.

And if you feel like keeping your eyes closed,

It's also perfectly fine.

And if you might be lying down right now,

And you just want to go to sleep,

And you have the room to go to sleep,

Then do so.

I will be here,

Sticking around for a few minutes,

To see if anything is coming up.

This was a fun session.

When I started this life,

I was highly energized.

I really brought some of my own perfection into struggles,

And I was actually able to let go.

I really loved that I felt so much compassion for myself.

I hope you did too.

And if not,

I hope you felt the ease.

And that ease is something that is always accessible,

When you just decide to let go for a moment.

So if you're struggling a lot with perfectionism,

Then check out my tracks about perfectionism.

They're in the premium tracks.

Regular meditation is also something that's always really,

Really good to become aware of what is going on within you.

And if you want to start self-discovery,

I have a lot of videos on self-discovery It's always really,

Really good to become aware of what is going on within you.

And if you want to start self-gentleness,

There is a course here on Insight Timer about self-gentleness.

If you are Dutch,

There's a Dutch one.

If you are English,

Or you don't speak Dutch,

But you do speak English,

You can do the English one.

But if you don't have premium,

You can also do some self-gentleness.

So all my self-gentleness lives are recorded and as free tracks published.

And there are also self-gentleness practices in my free tracks.

You can look them up on evening practice,

Morning practice,

Tuning in practice.

I have created the self-gentleness checklist.

It's a checklist with 19 different practices that you can pick and choose from.

You don't have to do them all.

It's nice.

You can check them off for every day.

So in my bio here on Insight Timer,

You find a link.

If you go there on the top,

You find some kind of links.

On the top,

There is one for downloading a free self-gentleness checklist for you to help.

May 10,

I'm back for the next live.

Step four,

Creating healthy boundaries.

Well,

That goes hand in hand with perfectionism and self-gentleness,

Also the antidote there to to create healthy boundaries.

We'll speak about it then,

Of course.

May 10,

It will take some time.

Meanwhile,

You can listen to my tracks,

My lives.

And if you love them,

Please review them.

Give them some stars.

Write a review.

Share it within Insight Timer.

Share it with outside of Insight Timer.

Because Insight Timer also has an algorithm.

And the more people love my work,

The more people share my work,

Then the more Insight Timer will actually tell it to others,

Show it to others.

And that is actually what I love,

Because I want to bring self-gentleness to as many people as possible in this world.

So let me just see a few comments here.

I promised you I will take a look later on.

If you want to be in touch with me,

I have here on Insight Timer the Femke self-gentleness group.

You know,

What once were circles are now groups.

You can come over there and sometimes it's really silent.

Sometimes people are speaking with each other.

I always,

When new things are published,

I also announce it there.

Please also follow my profile and click on the bell,

So you always get new things from me coming up.

And if you have premium,

I really appreciate it if you listen to my premium tracks and my courses,

Because that is actually what is creating a revenue for revenue for me and also of other teachers,

Of course,

Which allows us to continue to create all the free stuff for Insight Timer,

Like this live,

For instance,

And recordings of that.

So if you have premium,

Then I really would appreciate it if you start listening to my work because this is actually supporting me and Insight Timer.

So thank you all so much for all your comments.

Wow,

Thank you,

Noni.

That's a really great compliment.

You say you modeled it so well.

It was deeply meaningful to observe in you that I find in myself and give it the same love.

Beautiful.

Thank you so much for saying that,

Noni.

And Bianca,

It's such a great experience to meditate with all of you.

I've never meditated with others.

Yeah,

Bianca,

That is the power of these lives.

That is really,

Really lovely.

It is.

And I'm not the only one.

There are a lot of people here that are every month here.

And we sometimes,

Like today,

Sometimes we have these really images that we can see each other.

And it's such a power to know that at this moment,

There are people in Australia,

New Zealand,

Within Europe,

Within Americas.

And I'm sorry if I didn't mention your country,

But there are so many people from all around the world.

And it's so beautiful that we're all together to meditate.

So I'm happy that you felt that.

Thank you so much.

I'm going to wrap it up.

Thank you all for being here.

And I hope to see you on May 10th for step four,

Creating Healthy Boundaries.

Thank you so much for being here.

I'll make sure that this recording will be published soon on Insight Timer.

And for now,

Sending you so much love.

Have a beautiful weekend.

Have a beautiful Easter.

I almost forgot.

And take it easy.

Enjoy with ease and let go of that perfectionism because you are exactly right as you are.

Sending you all so much love.

Bye-bye.