Breaking Up With The Lies You Tell Yourself

Question and answer time,

So let me ask you,

Do you ever lie to yourself?

I've asked tons of women that question,

And often what happens is there's this straddling on the fence of wanting to answer truthfully,

Shrugging your shoulders of uncertainty,

And simply avoiding the question altogether.

So I get it,

If that's what you're doing right now,

That's completely normal.

And if you avoided the question or you said no,

My dear,

You're probably lying to yourself right now.

We all have a habit of lying to ourselves and misguiding ourselves,

But I want you to not be too upset because this is fairly normal behavior.

One that again,

We all do time to time because we're trying to make our environment or our inner thought process or even our lives make sense in a way that works for us.

But that in itself is a misdirection.

You know,

If you've listened to this podcast before,

You know that your brain's number one job is to keep you safe.

And safety doesn't always mean removing you from danger.

So that's the big aha right now.

A lot of people think that safety means,

You know,

Being protected at all times,

That there's no danger,

But really sometimes safety means avoidance.

Sometimes it means a lack of change or pushing against the uncertainty,

Which is where we get into overthinking and overanalyzing.

And we push against emotional upset by dumbing down our emotions,

You know,

Putting it in the suitcase and standing on top of it instead of actually dealing with it.

The truth is beyond that,

That we humans are built with this internal need to make everything make sense,

Right?

We like order.

We like understanding.

It's why we have stories,

Right?

We try to put everything into a progression.

It's the way our brain works.

We need explanation.

And when things don't make sense,

Our brain safety factor clicks into place.

And this is where we often begin to lie to ourselves.

While that may seem like the safest option at the time,

Long-term,

The more we fall back into avoidance and mistruth or not dealing with our issues,

The greater impact we have on our overall happiness,

Our emotional awareness,

Authenticity,

Inner peace,

And of course,

Self-love.

That's why I thought it was important to talk about the lies we commonly tell ourselves,

Why we do it,

How it impacts us,

And how we can break up with this self-sabotaging behavior that so greatly takes us down.

And it is a self-sabotaging behavior.

We often don't look at it like that,

Like it has very much impact.

We think this is a normal thought process for us,

But it is very devastating to our overall mental health and wellness if we allow it to go on long-term.

Now,

I keep using the word lie,

Right?

And for most people,

That word brings up a negative thought process and a negative feeling.

And of course,

That is the truth.

However,

I want us all to be on the same definition here so we can move forward together.

You know,

I love a good definition.

So our definition of lie today is to create a false or misleading impression.

We can even exchange the word impression with thought.

So to create a false or misleading thought around a moment,

Another thought,

An emotion,

A situation,

Right?

Essentially,

A lie,

When told to ourselves,

Is a way to push against discomfort.

It's a way of keeping our self-esteem and ego intact.

And it's a way to avoid feeling anything that may be uncomfortable or anything that we don't want to deal with,

Right?

So this is a self-lie.

Are you with me?

All right,

Good.

So I want you to think of the words,

I'm fine,

Nothing is wrong.

How many of us have said that before?

I know I have,

I know a lot of us have.

And it's sort of this tipping point between talking about an issue and then letting an issue go in hopes that it will just go away.

We tell ourselves we don't want to deal with something so that we can avoid it.

But does that work?

Does it make everything feel better in the long run?

Of course not.

A lot of times we end up in rumination.

We begin to think about all the things we should have said or the past event that,

You know,

Really owned us before.

It's not a good place to be,

But our brain is happy.

This is the interesting part.

So even if we feel disrupted by the moment and we said,

I'm fine,

Nothing's wrong,

Our brain is happy because it doesn't have to try to stabilize the emotionally unsound environment by you putting your thoughts and feelings into action.

Right,

So we can think in our head all day long.

Our emotional body can really get into a place that we're not happy,

Where we're not feeling good.

But if we're not moving ourselves into action,

The brain's like,

Hey,

This is status quo.

And that's where it likes to be.

I recently had someone ask me,

Does the brain have a tendency to lean into the negatives?

And the answer is yes,

It does.

Because if that's your thought pattern,

That's where it's comfortable.

If your thought pattern is to lean into the positive,

Guess what,

That is your safety place.

So let's dive into these 10 lies that I've heard most in private session or when I'm speaking to women in general,

Because I believe that these are the places that become our safety zones in our life.

And they also are the biggest factor as to why we feel stuck or even broken,

Okay?

So let's jump right into them.

So number one,

My life is harder than everyone else's.

Who hasn't felt that way at some point or another,

Right?

I know I have.

In fact,

I wanna share with you a little moment in my life where I became very aware that this is not a truth for me.

And it was such a big perspective shift that I broke up with this lie.

And I know that you have these experiences in your life too.

So in 2016,

Our middle daughter was in kidney failure.

And if you've listened to the podcast,

You may have heard her episode talking about the experience and how that moment changed my life.

But that moment also changed my perspective around lie number one,

My life is harder than everyone else.

So her kidney was so enlarged that we were admitted to the hospital and she and I were stuck in a room for endless days.

And honestly,

We both had had enough of the beeping machines and the same plain walls.

So I hatched an escape plan and I put her in a wheelchair so that we could go exploring.

Now,

This was a children's hospital.

So it was filled with beautiful ceilings that look like lit constellations,

A room that had a massive two-story train that visited all of the many villages everywhere,

A recording studio,

Gift shops galore.

The idea of seeing something different was exciting really.

But something happened in that moment where this lie was disrupted.

I was met with perspective.

Leading up to the escape,

I had been reading texts and social media messages from friends and family trying to encourage us to stay strong.

But one message hit me square in the chest.

Please forgive me,

I don't remember the exact wording,

But I just remember the overall context of it.

But it was something like,

It's not fair that you have to continue to deal with major difficulties in your life.

And you know what?

It wasn't fair.

At least that's what I thought at the time.

I had a moment to myself where I thought,

Yep,

My life is absolutely harder than everyone else's and I hate it.

I hate that it's like this.

But then as I was down on the hospital floor pushing my daughter Madison around,

Perspective arrived.

You know,

When I was feeling sorry for my daughter and myself,

I looked up and noticed all of the other women in my same boat.

You know,

We were all in this sorority of mothers who had children that were in great distress.

And there were teams moving children around,

You know,

Coming out of surgery,

Moms that were being willed in with their children that looked like they were in far greater conditions than my own.

And as I looked at these women,

I realized that we were all experiencing what we needed to experience at that moment.

It shattered the lie.

My life is harder than everyone else's.

There was a common bond.

We were all in the same situation,

In the same environment.

And yet how I looked at my life was going to determine how I was going to move forward.

The greater truth came that no matter what we all experience there is no comparison.

The only measuring stick that we can actually use is ourselves against us yesterday,

Ourselves against today and how we will show up tomorrow.

Because no matter what,

None of us have the exact same experience.

So there was nothing to measure.

And if there's nothing to measure,

There's no way to say that my life is harder than anyone else's.

And so it's a lie that we have to absolutely drop.

It's one that I'm told repeatedly with the women that I work with.

Our hardest moments,

Our problems are not up for comparison.

They're not competition.

Again,

Each of us face challenges.

And sometimes we're in our winning phases and other times we're in our losing phases because truthfully life has an ebb and flow.

And no matter what,

All of us is going to meet a time where our life doesn't feel exactly like what we want.

And that is okay.

Now let's go to lie number two.

I have to be perfect or my life has to be perfect.

This one gives me hives.

I feel you though,

For everyone standing in this mindset,

I actually had it for quite some time myself.

But I want you to ask yourself,

Is perfection available?

Is perfection achievable?

Is striving for perfection healthy?

This is the bigger question,

Right?

Is it even necessary?

What does perfection actually do for us,

Right?

Because if we reach this level of perfection,

We stop growth,

We stop learning,

We stop the ability to understand.

You know,

Perfection is this pinnacle we think that we want to reach,

But I'm sorry,

I don't wanna stop growth.

I don't wanna stop learning.

I don't wanna stop being my best self by allowing more to come.

And I have a feeling that you don't want to either,

Right?

When I offer that to women,

They often say,

Oh,

I never thought of it that way.

And that's the truth.

If we reach this level of perfection,

What else could possibly come for us?

We can go back to what we were just talking about and say that we're all here to learn,

Right?

And there will be things that disrupt our picture of perfect,

But we have to remember that we're growing,

That we're fallible,

And that perfection is a state of mind that reality has a hard time meeting.

I'm gonna say that again.

Perfection is a state of mind that reality has a hard time meeting.

Think about that,

Own those words.

So let's go to lie number three,

I don't have a choice.

Oh,

This one,

It drives me nuts because really,

Do you not have a choice or are you actually more comfortable in your discomfort and therefore you tell yourself that there is no choice?

You always have a choice.

No matter where you are in your life,

There is always another side to every moment.

And if there's another side,

That means there is a choice,

Period.

We love to use negative emotions as our motivator.

Remember that the brain's job is safety.

And so if you've had a negative frame,

That's the safety factor.

So we love to stay small because that safety factor kicks in and that helps us say,

You know what,

I'm limited.

It helps us own the words of our past.

It helps us realize that,

You know,

Oh yes,

That's probably right what my parents said,

I'm not good enough or what my best friend says or what my husband has told me.

The safety factor kicks in and sometimes we have to realize that there's always another way around.

Of course,

We do lack motivation and sometimes that does work.

Well,

I have no other choice,

I have to be strong,

I have to move through.

And here's the deal with that.

Yes,

It is a negative motivator moving us into action,

But that takes an incredibly strong mind and a wild immediate determination to help us get started.

And that can be a good thing at times and other times it helps us tank.

So you have to really look at how are you using your choice?

Again,

You always have a choice.

There's always another solution,

Direction,

Perspective.

And sometimes we have to be brave enough to use those choices to our advantage.

But lie number three,

We can let go of it.

It's not the truth.

So let's go to lie number four.

If I ignore what's wrong,

It will go away.

How many of us have told ourselves this?

Most of us have tried to avoid situations in hopes that it will settle itself.

Again,

I said at the very beginning,

We like to tuck our issues into a suitcase and then build our lives on top of it.

However,

You know that word trigger?

A lot of people use it right now.

They talk about triggers,

Or I was triggered in the conversation.

What is a trigger?

A trigger is an emotional response,

Right?

It is a emotional response to a memory or a situation that's often unhealed.

And when we look at that,

We have to know that every time we do not address something or that we bury it in the suitcase,

It's lying in wait.

Our subconscious files it away to be used at another time.

And then what happens?

We may have a response to something that's totally unrelated,

Triggered by the moment that's happening before us.

And it's right here that a lot of relationships get into trouble,

Right?

So I want you to remember that just because you ignore something doesn't mean that it will go away.

Lie number five,

Telling yourself that an apology truly makes things better or that if things were different,

You would be happier.

The majority of us were taught that if we make a mistake,

The best way to clear it up is to apologize.

It seems like the perfect solution,

Right?

A one and done sorry about that and let's move on.

But here's the thing,

It doesn't actually work like that,

Right?

Our thoughts and feelings are not turned off by the word sorry.

An apology does not solve the underlying problem and it doesn't change the activating event that made us feel a certain way.

While hearing someone express remorse is a good feeling for us,

It doesn't certainly change our feelings.

There's another part of this lie that we really wanna talk about and it is,

If you would do this,

I would be happier.

It's placing our expectations on a moment or on a person and how we feel,

Of course,

Is impacted by our environment and our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our actions made around us and by us.

But in the end,

In the very end,

How we show up in our life and how we really relate to our life is on us.

It's on us.

And so we have to look at what's happening around us.

Is it worthy of our feeling like,

If this doesn't happen,

Then I can't be this or is it worthy of just saying,

How I relate to my moments is on me.

Lie number six,

If I take care of others,

I'm taking care of myself.

This is a big one that a lot of moms fall into,

Right?

Now,

Let that settle with you for just a moment.

If I take care of others,

I'm taking care of myself.

This is one of those no and yes moments.

If you take care of yourself,

Then of course you can take care of others.

But if you're only taking care of others,

Then you can't take care of yourself.

And what happens in this time,

In this thought process,

This lie is that we're often trying to take care of others to bypass the work that we have to do on ourselves,

Right?

So if I take care of you,

Then I will be healed.

If I move through this action,

Then the trauma that we jointly share will dissipate.

This is a lie that we have to let go of.

We have to know that in order to take care of others,

We have to take care of ourselves first.

It's not selfish,

It's necessary.

Lie number seven,

I don't know how to be happy or worse,

I'm not the happy type.

What does that even mean,

Right?

I'm not the happy type,

What you've never experienced happiness before.

You don't deserve happiness,

You refuse to be happy.

I'm always confused by that statement and I hear it a lot.

You know,

What this really boils down to when someone says this is worthiness,

Feeling like you are worthy of being happy.

So often we belittle our ability to be happy because we don't want to move ourselves out of that place of being quote,

Stuck.

We like the safety of negativity because doing the work towards positivity is work.

It's hard work.

It's work that requires focus and intention and the thought process shifting.

It takes time to really evaluate how we are showing up in our lives.

And a lot of people would rather say I'm not the happy type or I don't know how to be happy rather than doing the work to find happiness.

The truth is happiness already exists in your life.

It's already within you,

It's already within your experiences,

But a lot of times we will not allow ourselves to see it or own it.

So lie number eight,

If I could just blank,

My life would be amazing.

This is a massive lie that a lot of people tell themselves in order to stay in that pretty little box in that safety zone,

Right?

If I could just hit my goal,

My life would be so much better.

But here's the truth,

You are exactly where you need to be right now.

Having a goal is great.

Having an intention is better.

But being dissatisfied in your life because you're not where you want to be is a draining waste of time.

I say that with complete conviction.

I've done it,

I know.

But we all have the power to be present moment aware,

To be focused on what we want to create,

But not hinge everything on something that has not arrived yet.

Your life will be great when you decide that your life will be great.

And that's the truth.

When you decide to take ownership,

That is when you actually realize that happiness,

Self-love,

Inner peace,

Greatness is available to you right here,

Right now.

Let go of the lie that when I have something more,

Life will be exactly what I want it to be.

Your life is exactly where it needs to be right now,

So own it.

Lie number nine,

Everything is either 100% great or 100% bad.

Haven't we all felt that way?

Where everything in our life just feels like it's,

Oh,

It's so good,

But yet we wait for the other shoe to drop,

Right?

We wait for things to get bad because we know that life does have that ebb and flow.

And we get into a place where life has no gray area,

Right?

Black or white,

Good or bad.

It's not the truth though,

Because even your hardest day has something beautiful within it.

There's gratitude that can always be found.

There is always something within us and around us that we can appreciate.

You know,

On a hard day,

You can say,

Wow,

That was really challenging,

But thank goodness I have my friends and family to help see me through,

Right?

So nothing is always 100% this or that.

There's always a middle ground that we can find.

And when we think in this way,

What we're really trying to do is avoid the emotions,

Not a situation,

Right?

And that's very important to realize.

When we get into a place of 100% bad,

We're trying to avoid the emotions that are coming up for us and at us instead of the situation.

Lie number 10,

I can't follow my heart.

So many of us have tied ourselves up in this mistruth.

We tell ourselves that if we do go after what we want,

We're gonna let someone down,

That we can't take the dream job.

We can't leave the relationship.

We can't go after the relationship that we want.

We can't motivate ourselves enough to be fulfilled.

This lie kills our soul and it shatters our self-esteem,

Our trust,

And our self-love.

And without the balance of desire in our lives,

We have no peace.

I'm gonna say that again.

Without the balance of desire in our life,

We have no peace.

Think about that.

If I can't go after what I want,

How can I live a peaceful life?

If I can't go after what I want,

How do I trust myself?

If I can't go after what I want,

How do I love myself?

This is so important to realize that you have the power to create the life that you want and that telling yourself I can't is a misuse of your ability,

Your desire,

And essentially it boils down to being stuck in a safety zone.

Now,

That's the top 10 lies.

Are there other lies?

Absolutely.

These are the ones that I run up against most of the time.

So how can we change the story?

How do we change the lie?

And here's something that every woman I work with hates and rolls their eyes every time I say it,

But it is the absolute truth.

Everything in your life comes back to thought and choice.

There is simply no way around it.

I'm sorry to tell you.

You can either live in a lie or you can rewrite the story you tell yourself and begin to own the fact that you are the creator of your life.

And so the choice really comes down to lie or show up,

Deal or don't deal,

I can't or I won't.

Big choices,

Aren't they?

So let's change the story.

Let's change the lie.

Now,

Whether you found yourself identifying with the top 10 lies I just handed over or something else has come up for you,

We can start shifting the process the same way,

No matter what it is.

And the first step that we have to take is to examine the lie itself.

Get to the root of it.

What is it?

The root of I can't follow my heart for many people comes back to family expectations.

I can't follow my heart sometimes comes back to a time where you did follow your heart,

But then things didn't come out the way that you wanted to so that you built this lie in your head now that says,

If I follow my heart,

Destruction happens,

Or if I follow my heart,

I get hurt.

Whatever the lie is,

Get down to what is under it.

Most of the time we worry about things that are unlikely to occur,

Right?

We stress about these what ifs that are never going to take place.

So I want you to get down to the root of the lie.

What is it?

And then I want you to offer yourself a counter.

If I do follow my heart,

What's the reward?

What's the benefit?

See what I mean?

That's the counter.

Give yourself permission to take a deep dive,

Offer yourself a new perspective,

And then get into a place where you're willing to move yourself into a new truth.

Next,

I want you to create an intention around the new perspective that you just gained.

With the intention,

Start with something active.

You know,

I am following my heart because this is the way that I know I can welcome happiness.

Whatever it is,

Start with I am,

And then create the intention for it.

Or let's say if your lie is that I can't lose weight,

Then an intention would be I am losing weight to help myself see my fullest power,

Or my fullest potential,

Or I am losing weight so that I can really own my health and be active in my life,

Whatever it is.

Just create the intention from the new perspective that you gained by examining the lie.

Once you are there,

Once you have the lie rooted out and you have an intention created,

I want you to create a plan.

You know,

Get to work.

How will you change the lie?

Remember that our brain loves patterns.

It loves that safety zone,

So it takes time and actions to shift the lies we tell ourselves.

Once you have a plan in place,

I want you to look at the small measures that you need to do in order to reach the end goal.

So think of the overall arching experience that you want to have,

And then go back to the very beginning.

I'm gonna give you an example.

The lie would be I can never run a marathon,

Okay?

And I want you to offer the new perspective of I know I can run a marathon with effort and the right mindset.

So the intention then is I am running a marathon,

Right?

So you can see the progression here from the lie to the perspective shift to the intention.

Now let's talk about the goal.

We know that we want to run,

So what do we need?

Well,

We know that we need to buy a new pair of shoes.

We need to create a running schedule.

We need to do some strength training.

We need to have a set schedule for ourselves so that we know that we can build to that long run.

We need to be able to run in small steps.

This also keeps us accountable,

Right?

It keeps us from falling into the trap of that lie that is so prevalent in our mindset.

So go from the end to the very beginning and begin to move into action so that we can change the lie habit.

From there,

We have to do the opposite of the lie every day,

Right?

We practice the opposite.

We're gonna practice the action of running because that is a direct action against the lie of I can never run a marathon.

Again,

It takes some time for our brain to catch up with our new thought habit,

With our new action habit,

And it takes time for it to rewire a new habit.

But when we practice the new thought,

Behavior,

Actions,

We begin to tell our brain this is safe,

That this action,

This thought,

This feeling is safe.

And over time,

The new pattern is created and that new pattern is what serves us.

What happens when we don't practice what we're trying to change?

We slip back into the lie.

So practice,

Right?

In this practicing action,

Get comfortable too with taking a risk.

This is another reason why we lie to ourselves is because we're uncomfortable of moving out of our comfort zones,

Which of course comes back to safety,

Right?

Moving out of our small boxes and out of things that keep us small is uncomfortable.

Sometimes growth is uncomfortable,

And most of the time it is,

To be honest with you.

And we find ourselves slipping into old behaviors because that discomfort feels better than this new discomfort.

But in order for new patterns to occur,

You have to lean into risk.

You have to talk yourself into the action.

You must redefine what safety means.

And as we're doing this,

We have to then look at one of the most important factors,

Really where this started to begin with,

Other than safety,

And that is the way that we speak to ourselves.

You have to watch your self-talk.

A lie is a negative statement,

Right?

It is a negative thought pattern.

But negative self-talk is the fuel that keeps the lie in action.

I want you to think about that.

I'm gonna say it again.

A lie is a negative thought,

But negative self-talk is the fuel that keeps the lie going.

If you're changing a pattern,

If you're changing a story,

You're going to have to watch the language in which you write the story through.

I want you to think about something that I said just a few moments ago.

I can't versus I won't.

I can't is the lie.

I won't is a truth.

Think about that.

I can't is the lie.

I can't do this.

I can't do that.

I won't is a truth.

I won't move through what I need to.

I won't do the action.

I won't heal.

I won't create change.

I won't,

I won't,

I won't is your truth.

So you have to watch the language.

You have to watch what you're fueling the lie with.

Will this be perfect?

No.

Letting go of a lie is not easy.

Changing all of the perspectives in which you are operating from is not easy.

Again,

It's hard work.

In the beginning,

I said that lying to ourselves runs up against our self-love and that it is a true threat to our inner peace and self-awareness,

Our authenticity,

Our self-trust,

And really all the aspects that lead into and create our experience of love.

And here's why.

A lie is a negative.

We cannot create positive feelings from negative emotions.

The safety factor of our brain does not allow us to make that leap,

Right?

It's not going to look at a negative and say,

You know what,

I'm gonna flip that to a positive.

In order to create a story of self-love,

We have to have self-trust.

And remember,

When we lied to ourselves,

We're breaking our trust.

It's why it's so important to look at the lies that you tell yourself.

I can't,

I'm not good enough,

I will never have enough.

These are lies and we have to take ownership of them.

Remember,

I just said,

I can't is a lie and I won't is a truth.

I won't love myself is totally different than I can't love myself.

I won't follow my heart is different than I can't.

There is choice and personal responsibility in I won't.

There's negative and lack in I can't.

To change the story,

To disrupt the lies,

To shatter them all together,

You want to create a new pattern,

Create a new balance.

In this balance,

We have to look at our life's priorities and it's necessary so that we really fall back into those questions that guide everything that we do,

Those four questions that I offer to you nearly every time that I speak.

And it is,

What do I want?

What do I need?

How do I wanna feel?

And how will I get there?

I encourage you to take this exercise to pen and paper.

Look at the lie that you've witnessed in this time together.

Look at what's come up for you.

Offer yourself the counter,

Create the intention,

Give yourself new perspective and create a goal.

Look at what you really want to achieve.

And as you have that on paper,

I want you to really create a priority list that is opposite to the lie.

It doesn't even really matter what that list looks like as long as it is individual to you and your priorities are the focus.

So a great way to do this is to number one to 20 or number one to 30 on a piece of paper and begin to put your priorities of action into place from the highest importance to the lowest so that you can gear your thought process through these priorities.

So priority one may be,

I'm gonna start each day with a focus on what it will mean to me if I follow my heart.

And number two would be that I'm going to create one action each day that allows me to get to my end goal.

Whatever it is,

It doesn't matter.

Just make sure that your desire matches your plan,

It matches your intention,

It matches the new perspective,

And it allows you to quiet and shut down that inner sabotager of the brain that says this is safe and this is not.

In order to have self-love,

In order to have inner peace,

We have to change the thoughts that we have about our lives and we have to allow our minds to work for us and not against us.

It starts by what we feed ourselves.

Yes,

The mind loves status quo,

Right?

But we don't have to stay there.

We can change our lives by changing the thoughts.

So to work on yourself,

You have to work on your self-awareness.

Catch yourself each time a lie pops into your mind and shut it down,

Right?

Make sure that the inner voice says,

Hey,

You know what?

This is not what I want.

Instead,

I'm going to really work towards what I do.

Over time,

The mind,

Body,

And spirit adapts to what you give it.

So what are you feeding your soul?

This is the blueprint,

Right?

This is how we shatter the lies that we tell ourselves.

This is how we change our lives and we change our self-love pattern.

Yes,

We have a past.

Yes,

We have trauma.

Yes,

We have things that we wish didn't occur,

But that does not mean that we have to live a life connected to those moments.

When we lie because we don't want to face our truth,

What we do is create a life that is not truth-based.

So meet yourself in the middle of grace and a new thought.

What are your desires?

What are your needs?

How do you want to feel?

How do you want to create the life that you keep saying that you want?

Go towards it.

Break up with the safety factor and be radically present.

Be radically aware and move yourself into action.

You deserve that.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode,

Which originally aired on the Get Your Life Together Girl podcast.

Please take the time to review this conversation and follow me here on Insight Timer for more courses,

Meditations,

And additional conversations.

Until next time,

Be kind to yourself and others.