What Is The Inner Critic And 3 Ways To Deal With It - E33

Hello,

I'm Annie Musu,

A certified EFT tapping master practitioner.

I help women build confidence,

Set boundaries,

And enjoy healthy relationships.

Welcome to my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

On this show,

I offer practical wisdom to help you clear fears,

Limiting beliefs,

And trauma so that you can gracefully create a life you love.

Welcome to episode number 33 of my podcast,

Hush Your Mind,

Building a better relationship with yourself.

Have you heard of the inner critic?

It's that voice in your head that says,

You're dumb.

You can't do it.

You're not good enough.

You're ugly.

Nobody likes you.

You're a fraud.

It's depressing to listen to your inner critic.

When your inner critic runs the show,

Your relationships work in self-esteem plunge.

It seems like you can never do anything right,

No matter how much you try.

Enter feeling crappy,

Anxious,

And burnt out.

However,

Can you believe that your inner critic wants you to be happy?

Let me explain.

So where does the inner critic come from?

According to Hal and Cedric Stone in their book,

Embracing Your Inner Critic,

Your inner critic formed in childhood to protect you.

Quote,

Your inner critic developed to protect your vulnerability by helping you to adapt to the world around you and to meet its requirements,

Whatever they might be.

It makes you acceptable to others by criticizing and correcting your behavior before other people could criticize you or reject you.

In this way,

It reasoned,

It could earn love and protection for you,

As well as save you much shame and hurt.

End quote.

The requirements that make you acceptable to others can come from your parents,

Caregivers,

Teachers,

Religious leaders,

Friends,

Media,

Society,

And past hurts.

So if your family taught you that it's inappropriate to show your emotions,

Your inner critic will criticize you when you do so.

If your teacher put you down,

Your inner critic will push you to work harder.

On a bigger scale,

Our society promotes a certain image of success that your inner critic constantly compares you with.

Your inner critic might demand that you look impeccable at all times,

Not be too emotional,

Needy,

Loud,

Opinionated,

Or selfish.

Always smile and be kind to others.

Must never ask for help to avoid appearing weak.

Do everything perfectly and never make mistakes.

Ignore or play down your wins to remain humble.

Work hard with little or no play.

And the list goes on and on.

We live in an uncertain world and can't do much to control outside circumstances.

That scares your inner critic,

Who wants to ensure you're loved and accepted.

So it attempts to control you by molding you into the world's criteria.

The inner critic is the source of shame and low self-esteem.

While it has good intentions,

The inner critic tends to go on a power trip and abuse you.

Here's another quote by Helen Sidrestone,

Quote,

Like a renegade CIA agent,

The critic oversteps its bounds,

Takes matters into its own hands,

And begins to operate on its own agenda.

The information about your weaknesses and imperfections,

Which was originally supposed to be for your overall defense and to promote your general well-being,

Is now being used against you,

The very person it was meant to protect.

At this point,

The inner critic makes you feel dreadful about yourself.

With your inner critic watching your every move,

You become self-conscious,

Awkward,

And ever more fearful about making a mistake.

You may even stop trying because the critic tells you that you're going about things all wrong and will undoubtedly fail.

End quote.

Your inner critic wants to minimize your pain above all else,

Even if that means avoiding the necessary risk it takes to change for the better.

Worst,

Many people unconsciously identify themselves with their inner critic's voice which further disempowers them.

So for example,

Your inner critic might say,

You're stupid,

But then you think,

I'm stupid.

When I was little,

My overly critical father would sometimes explode out of frustration when he couldn't help me understand a difficult homework assignment.

I interpreted the situation like this,

I'm stupid,

That's why I don't get it.

I made dad yell.

If you can't tell when it's your inner critic's voice,

You'll more likely believe its mean remarks.

What's more,

The inner critic collaborates with a team of selves or aspects of our personality.

Each of these selves could be beneficial,

But when they get out of control,

They create more harm than good.

One of the selves is the pleaser.

The pleaser puts others needs before yours and makes you attractive to others so that they treat you kindly.

The rule maker evaluates what kind of traits are acceptable,

For example hard-working,

Successful,

Cheerful,

And unacceptable,

For example lazy,

Angry,

Sloppy,

And sets rules for you to follow.

The pusher motivates you to work harder,

Faster,

And better,

And assures your success.

And the perfectionist sees every moment as an opportunity to look,

Act,

And be perfect,

And drives you to redo everything until it's impeccable.

When you don't live up to your inner critic's standards,

You feel inadequate,

Unlovable,

And flawed at your core.

The thing is,

No one lives up to their inner critic's standards.

Its demands just aren't realistic.

And when you reject any aspect of your personality,

The good or the bad,

You're harming yourself.

We're all human.

We have flaws and make mistakes.

To feel happy and fulfilled,

We need to stop judging ourselves and embrace who we are.

As kids,

We didn't know better.

We didn't hear,

You're good enough,

You're beautiful as you are.

But it's never too late.

You can learn how to accept yourself now,

So that you have a choice in how you show up in the world.

So how do you take back control?

The first thing is to realize that you are not your inner critic,

Nor its collaborators,

The pleaser,

The rulemaker,

The pusher,

The perfectionist.

The personality that you developed to protect yourself is just a tiny part of who you are.

It's not all of you.

Most of us have confused our identities with our coping mechanisms,

Which limits life to your inner critic's rules.

However,

Now that you're aware of your inner critic,

You're in the perfect position to lessen its power.

When you distinguish who you are from your inner critic,

You can begin to live life on your own terms.

Take it from Helen Cedric Stone,

Quote,

That's when we have real choice about what we do in life.

Then and only then are we in a position to truly care for ourselves.

The separation from your primary selves is the first step in developing an aware ego.

This aware ego is not a self.

It is a you that is not dominated by any self or set of selves.

It is able to contain all the opposites that you are,

To accept and to honor them appropriately.

The aware ego gives you the ability to discover the complexity of your feelings and the richness of the many selves that inhabit your psyche.

It also enables you to reclaim the unique human being that you were born to be,

End quote.

So believe it or not,

You're not broken or flawed.

You just believed your fearful inner critic for too long.

Its show is over now.

It's your turn to lead.

Here are three ways to deal with your inner critic.

Now that you understand what the inner critic is and how it works,

Reclaim your power with these tips.

The first one is notice your inner critic.

You might want to name your inner critic the bully,

The gremlin,

The judge,

The ego,

Ms.

Know-it-all,

Your parents name,

Or something else.

Naming your inner critic separates you from it and gives you some power back.

Throughout the day,

Notice when your inner critic rears its head.

Oh,

There goes Ms.

Know-it-all.

Here are nine ways the inner critic attacks you.

One,

Blaming.

It's your fault things go wrong.

Two,

Comparing.

Why can't you be like her?

Three,

Setting unreasonable standards.

It's not perfect.

Start over.

Four,

Reminding you of your mistakes and failures.

You never learn,

Do you?

Five,

Discouraging risks and change.

You're going to fail anyway.

Six,

Brushing off wins.

You were just lucky.

Seven,

Shooting.

You shouldn't be or do XYZ.

Eight,

Insulting.

You're dumb,

Weak,

Ugly.

And nine,

Shaming.

You're not good enough.

Make it into a game and see how often your inner critic complains.

When does your inner critic show up?

In front of the mirror?

At the start of a certain task?

Before going to bed?

Jot down these moments as well as your inner critic's remarks.

Acknowledging your inner critic instead of reacting to it dwindles its power.

Tip number two to manage your inner critic,

Uncover the roots.

Your inner critic's criticisms may sound true and definitive,

But they actually come from the judgments of the people in your life.

Hal and Sidra Stone suggest using the following questions to uncover the roots of your inner critic.

Stay objective by asking yourself,

Does this statement sound like someone I know?

Think of parents,

Other family members,

Teachers,

And the different people who influenced you.

When do I first remember being concerned about this issue?

Revisiting the first time you felt hurt about this issue helps you heal and break the cycle so that you can move on.

Also,

You might want to check out episode number seven to learn five reasons why we hold on to the past and how to let go.

Ask yourself,

What were your parents' favorite judgmental comments about you?

For many of us,

Our parents' criticisms still dictate our behavior today.

Discerning which comments affected you negatively allows you to start detaching yourself from them.

And lastly,

What are the worst characteristics that a person could have according to your current friends?

We all feel some pressure to uphold a certain image of ourselves in order to please and impress our friends.

Figuring out what you disown about yourself allows you to better embrace the whole you.

And the final tip,

Tip number three,

Is to empathize.

With time and practice,

You'll get good at identifying your inner critic.

Resist the desire to fight back or ignore it though.

When your inner critic criticizes,

It's actually a cry for help or an alarm that signals possible pain,

Rejection,

Shame,

Or abandonment.

So take a deep breath and say to it in your mind,

I hear you judging Ms.

Know-it-all.

What's this really about?

Even though it sounds weird,

Converse with your inner critic and listen with empathy.

Keep asking,

What's this really about?

Or what's underneath that?

Until you find out its underlying fears.

Get to your inner critic's soft spot,

That feeling of vulnerability where walls have fallen and defenses lowered.

Here's a lovely quote by Brene Brown,

Quote,

Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen,

End quote.

And here's an example of an empathetic chat with your inner critic.

Let's say your inner critic says,

You did only two things on your list today.

You're lazy.

How did you let your day slip by again?

And you can say,

Hey,

I hear you judging me inner critic.

What's this really about?

And it says,

You've got lots to do,

No pain,

No gain.

And you can empathize by saying,

Oh,

You're worried that I won't succeed if I don't do more.

And it might say,

Yes,

Exactly.

And you could say,

I see,

I'm doing my best.

I got two big tasks done today.

I'm happy about that.

Thanks for worrying,

But I've got it.

The key to calming your inner critic is to validate its fears as unreasonable as they may seem.

Have you noticed that kids get more upset when you try to fix or squash their feelings?

Oftentimes,

Kids just need you to empathize and hold them as they feel difficult emotions.

The same applies to your inner critic.

Compassionately listen to it so that it feels heard and understood,

Which will help diminish its whining.

Whatever you do,

Don't criticize,

Punish,

Belittle,

Or brush off your inner critic as that strengthens it.

Teach your inner critic how to respect you by respecting your inner critic.

In conclusion,

It takes time and practice to let go.

So don't beat yourself up when your inner critic chimes in.

It might feel like an eternal two steps forward,

One step back process.

And when you're super stressed or vulnerable,

Your inner critic can even flare up again.

It's normal.

Just keep going.

In due time,

You will transform your inner critic and it will become your ally.

You're not its victim anymore.

You can feel worthy and discover who you really are.

What marvelous gems will you find?

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of Hush Your Mind.

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Comments,

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I'd love to hear from you.

May you have the courage to love and accept yourself.

Be well and take care.