Signaling Mindful Communication

Hello everyone,

It's Judy Cohen.

This is Wake Up Call 484,

And nice to be with you as always.

So let's see,

Last wake-up call I was interested in an appropriate response because of Chief Justice Roberts's comment that the president's response to Judge Boasberg's ruling wasn't an appropriate response.

And yeah,

It wasn't necessarily what Justice Roberts was pointing to,

Although who knows,

But I love that an appropriate response is this ancient Zen koan,

And taking the two meanings together,

Landed with that an appropriate response is one that's kind and compassionate and as wise as possible,

Doesn't cause any harm,

And keeps in mind that we're all in this world together and that there are rules and procedures that make us a more fair and equitable society.

So then,

You know,

Events moving at the speed of light as they seem to do these days,

I had several moments in the past week where I felt like I had an opportunity to decide whether something was an appropriate response,

And maybe you did too.

Paul Hastings comes to mind.

The signal text.

I mean,

Frankly,

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall of the Chief Justice's breakfast room this week when he opened the paper each morning.

And all of that got me thinking about mindful communication,

Which maybe isn't so different from an appropriate response.

Maybe it's a little broader.

And also about why mindful communication feels so important right now.

So classically,

Mindful communication,

It's called mindful,

It's called right speech,

Called right speech,

Is one of the steps on the Eightfold Path,

The path to liberation.

And it's called speech probably because in the time of the of the Buddha,

Society was agrarian,

Largely preliterate.

But I like communication because,

You know,

We speak but we also write and we email and we post and we use messaging apps.

So mindful communication is speaking,

Writing,

Posting and messaging words that are true,

Helpful,

Interconnected,

Necessary and kind.

And I like,

I put them in that order because I like the acronym THINK.

True,

Helpful,

Interconnected,

Necessary and kind.

So the elements are from the classical texts and they're aspirational,

Like all of mindfulness.

And when I look at them,

They also look to me like the building blocks of an appropriate response.

So just to unpack them briefly,

Truth,

Oddly,

The one I get the most pushback from,

From lawyers,

Pushback on from lawyers,

Is simple,

Right?

In the courtroom,

In the conference room,

In the classroom,

Say what's true.

Say when we know the answer and when we don't.

Say when we're sure we're right,

When we aren't sure,

And when we know we're wrong.

You know,

Say when we can't say more.

I mean,

We often can't tell the whole truth because we can't disclose client confidences,

But I feel like we can say only true things,

You know,

Pretty much all situations.

So true and then helpful.

Can't think of any reason why we can't always be helpful,

Right?

If we're not being helpful,

Are we even doing our job?

So true,

Helpful,

And then interconnected.

And,

You know,

That's not something theoretical.

It's something kind of in the bones,

You know,

Knowing that there's not one move I make that doesn't impact everyone else.

You know,

That we are powerful,

Beyond measure,

And it's not in the sense that we can bend the world to our will,

But it's in a way power that's even more profound than that.

A kind of power that comes with responsibility,

Right?

The power of our words and actions.

And so interconnection in the bones is knowing with a kind of total certainty that everything we say and do matters.

You know,

Not some things,

But everything,

Right?

So power and the responsibility that comes with it because what it means is we don't get away with anything.

And speaking of words mattering,

Thank you very much,

Sue,

For correcting me that it was Paul Weiss,

Not Paul Hastings.

Words do matter.

Thank you.

So true,

Helpful,

Interconnected,

And that's why necessary and kind are so important,

Right?

Necessary because idle chatter can be harmful,

Especially if it's in the nature of gossip or for the purpose of distraction.

And kind because,

I mean,

The world,

Right?

Look what happens when humans are unkind,

When leaders are unkind,

Or even just careless.

So true,

Helpful,

Interconnected,

Necessary and kind.

Or think,

Maybe it's think before we speak,

Write,

Post,

Or message.

The other half of mindful communication is,

Of course,

Listening.

And I like the three elements of curiosity,

Attentiveness,

And patience.

So curious because otherwise I'm just tolerating the conversation and I feel like that's terrible for the speaker.

And also because I'm probably not learning anything,

And maybe I'm not even hearing anything if I'm just tolerating.

So curious.

Attentive because being a mindful person is all about paying attention,

Right?

And then patient because it feels like the difference between slowing down and genuinely being with someone who's talking or who's written something to me,

The difference between that and telling myself or telling them,

Which is even worse.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Get to the point.

Get to the point.

Right?

So curious,

Attentive,

And patient or CAP.

So to me,

Thinking CAP feels a lot like really being mindful.

It feels like portable meta in a way,

Right?

It feels like portable loving kindness,

What Pema Chodron calls unconditional friendliness because meta is at least in part about being truthful and helpful and kind and curious and attentive and patient.

And kind of from a jumping off point of remembering we're all in this together and everything we say and do matters,

Right?

Which then points me anyway to the why,

Right?

So why put on our thinking caps when we're speaking or writing or posting or messaging?

Or why practice this very portable form of meta?

And for me,

It all comes down to safety.

So I don't know about you,

But I can just tell when I'm keeping mindful communication in mind,

When I have my thinking cap on,

People seem to feel safer around me,

Right?

There's a kind of a palpable feeling of relaxation and ease.

And that's basically what I mean when I say we're powerful beyond measure.

I feel like when I make a kind of an affirmative decision to put my thinking cap on and be truthful and helpful and kind and curious and attentive and patient and all from the perspective of knowing how much it matters,

I kind of have a superpower.

You know,

I can literally walk into the room and change the tone from one that feels tense and fearful to one that brings ease and well being.

You know,

We talk about well being so much in the law these days.

I think we actually have the power to bring well being into the room.

Do you know what I mean?

And I guess the last thing on this is that I feel like in each moment we have that choice,

Right?

So it's the choice to walk into the room or post something or message someone mindfully,

Being truthful,

Being kind,

Being curious,

Acknowledging that it matters and the choice to not to do that.

And that actually,

In each moment we make that choice whether we're conscious of it or not.

So in the end,

It's always it's a training.

And it brings me back to that line that Pema shares in a couple of her books.

And some of you know it because I say it all the time.

It's one of my favorite lines.

Are we going to practice peace?

Or are we going to war?

Okay,

So let's sit.

So finding your posture,

Whatever will support you right now.

Settling into your seat or feeling the feet on the ground.

Maybe taking a couple of deep breaths.

And checking,

Checking your posture.

I love the lesson that Alisa,

My dear,

Dear,

Dear friend,

Hi,

Honey,

Taught me to imagine that your your best friend's hand is just in the middle of your back.

Just leaning back into that sense of,

Of friendship and loving kindness.

And then just to practice mindful communication with ourselves.

Take a moment to call to mind the way that you're relating to yourself right now,

These days.

Maybe the story or stories that you're telling yourself about yourself right now.

Are they true?

What is one true thing you can say to yourself about yourself right now?

One true thing that is also helpful and also kind.

Or maybe it's something that you're already telling yourself.

One thing that is true and helpful and kind.

Maybe it's an old story that's wonderful.

Or maybe it's a new story.

Maybe you're creating it right now.

Writing the story right now.

Some way that you are communicating with yourself,

About yourself,

That's true,

And that's helpful.

And that's kind.

And then maybe checking in and what's one thing that you can be curious about?

This kind of internal curiosity and attentive and patient with yourself around.

Just getting more and more familiar with this quality of curiosity,

Of attentiveness,

Of patience.

And really with all of these qualities.

Thanks everyone for being on the wake up call and sorry for the interruptions.

Thank you.

Thanks for being here.