The Biggest Ask Of All: the Generosity Of Just Being Nice

Hello everyone.

This is Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 359.

We are still playing around with a Dhana Paramita or the Paramita or Perfection of Generosity.

And I've been practicing,

I've been reading,

And there's one kind of generosity that I can't find in any of the literature.

And I'm just going to call it the generosity of being nice to everyone.

And,

You know,

That doesn't mean it's not there.

I'm no scholar,

But in the online articles and also in Norman Fisher's book,

The World Could Be Otherwise and Dale Wright's book,

The Six Perfections,

Both of which I've mentioned,

Haven't found anything on this kind of generosity.

And I don't know about you,

But in my experience,

Being a nice person isn't really a core value in the law.

There's somebody very familiar probably to all of us.

We could start with the fictional portrayals of law professors like Professor Kingsfield in the Paper Chase.

But we all probably also have our own stories.

There's a kind of badge of honor around being demanding and intense and just not a very nice person.

And it's really pervasive.

And if you think about it,

I mean,

Where else besides in law firm partnership agreements,

Are there anti-asshole provisions that are actually called anti-asshole provisions,

Right?

So,

Or who would come up with an anti-disparagement clause or a settlement agreement other than people who live in a culture of disparagement or I don't know,

Maybe because of social media,

We all live in a culture of disparagement.

But anyway,

It's not just at the office or the home office.

When I was first practicing law,

There were mornings and I have to say too many mornings,

I'm pretty ashamed to say when I wasn't very nice.

And to the extent that I was even aware of it,

I would defend myself on account of having so much on my mind or being super stressed or having so much on my plate.

And,

You know,

Frankly,

Not just mornings,

Right?

Evenings,

Weekends,

Whole periods of my life.

So that's why I was so surprised not to see this in any of the literature.

And so since I couldn't find it anywhere,

I took it as a question to the August meeting of our Mindfulness in Law Teacher Training Graduate Forum.

And so our grad forum includes everyone who has graduated from MLTT over the years.

And it's a really remarkable group of mindfulness practitioners who are also lawyers and law professors and judges and leaders in our community.

And last week there were four grads there,

Chapin and Semeno,

Who's the co-president of the Mindfulness in Law Society and a Drexel law professor and also a fiction writer.

And let's see,

Emily Dosko was there,

Family law lawyer in the East Bay,

Jonathan Davis,

Managing partner of San Francisco based ARNS firm,

Which does labor side employment work and Bella Dilworth,

A LA County public defender.

And a few of you are here today.

Hi.

So the first thing which Emily noted,

And I think we all agreed on,

Is that being just plain old nice to everyone is a hard practice.

You know,

It's much easier,

At least for me,

To say what I was saying before,

Which is,

You know,

I'm stressed.

So what do you expect from me?

Or to even offer more sort of culturally accepted excuses like,

Oh,

I'm not a morning person or,

You know,

Don't bother me until I've had my coffee.

So in other words,

It's easier to excuse my shortness,

My grumpiness than it is to notice its impact and make it different.

And this is what I would say is more generous choice,

You know,

A choice to be kind and pleasant,

Even when I'm not feeling that way.

Kind of faking it till I make it,

I guess,

Which is a thing in mindfulness,

Just like in a lot of things.

Right.

And then Chapin dropped in that being a nice person requires us to decenter ourselves.

And I agree with that,

Too.

If I'm going to be nice to everyone as a truly generous decision and act,

Then it means my stress or my lack of sleep or failure to make time in the morning to eat breakfast or do some yoga or meditate.

That's about me.

And being grumpy as a result is about centering myself and decentering myself,

You know,

My stress,

My lack of sleep and stepping up into being pleasant to everyone anyway.

That's about focusing on other people.

And then we also talked about how when we don't focus on others,

We can really feel it in our bodies and we can more or less tell that we're causing a little harm by being grumpy or dismissive sometimes or even mean.

You know,

Whereas decentering ourselves,

We kind of know in our bodies that we're not causing harm.

And then we start to put those two together,

How hard this seemingly reasonable practice is and what a good thing it is to do and also how as Chapin noted,

The Dalai Lama says,

You know,

Generosity isn't so much about giving something away that we don't need like an old pair of socks.

It's more about giving something away that's hard to part with.

And in a strange way,

I could put grumpiness in that category because I can say for myself anyway,

Giving up my mind is like giving up my blankie.

Do you know what I mean?

Like this very familiar blankie that I've wrapped myself in for safety to keep myself separate and to stay inside my own stress.

And so it can be something I don't want to part with.

And when I can part with it and when I do part with it,

I can feel that generosity that this is an act of kindness towards the people around me.

And now people don't have to deal with grumpy Judy,

Right?

And that's a good thing.

And then Jonathan noted that as with so many mindfulness practices or mindfulness hacks,

This is something that's very simple and not easy and that it's grounded in the I'm in a hurry mentality of the law,

Which we all related to as well that there's so much to get done always.

So we're always in a hurry.

And the invitation is not to not get things done,

Right?

But to let go of that mentality,

Take a breath,

Slow down and actually see other people and not just see them,

But see them as worthy of our attention.

And that when we do that,

We're being generous and also being good human beings.

And we're giving up something because let's face it,

I don't know about you,

But I can move faster if I don't give up my siloed kind of grumpy rushing self and I can get more done and maybe I can make more money or maybe I can publish more articles and all the things.

So that loops back to what is holiness is saying that generosity is about giving up something we care about in this case grumpiness because it comes with at a cost.

And I guess I would say that for me lurking underneath the sort of I'm too busy is a kind of aversiveness that takes the form of like,

Why are you bothering me?

Which is the opposite of generosity,

Of course.

And then Bella helped us all to see that where this takes us is that being pleasant is a kind of generosity towards ourselves as well.

In the sense that letting go of grumpiness,

Being a nice person all the time or as much of the time as we can,

It fosters a sense of internal wellbeing.

You know,

It reminds us that we care about other people,

Which can help us to feel caring,

Which is good in and of itself.

And it makes us feel better about ourselves.

So I really love that.

And then Emily took us to the end,

Which was to noticing that really a lot of this is about the third Brahma Vihara,

Mudita,

Which is taking joy in the joy of others.

And when we give up unpleasantness,

You know,

It's kind of a gift.

And when we see how much joy others take in a kind greeting,

A caring nod,

Five minutes of listening,

Or even just a smile,

Then we can enjoy their joy too.

And just closing with the Dalai Lama again,

He's always reminding us that when we practice taking joy in the joy of others,

Then we increase our own chances for happiness by the number of humans there are on the planet,

Which right now is almost 8 billion.

So let's sit.

So finding your posture,

Whatever that posture is,

Sitting,

Lying down,

Standing,

Walking,

Driving.

Taking a few breaths,

Connecting to the earth.

Connecting to your body,

Your breath.

Connecting to one another.

There are probably five of us practicing here today.

And then maybe just checking in.

What is your mood today?

No judgment,

No worries,

Whatever is here is just here and is welcome.

And what is here?

Is there kindness,

Connectedness?

Or is there grumpiness?

Aversiveness?

And whatever is here,

Just taking a few moments to turn towards whatever mood with kindness,

With curiosity,

With real love and understanding.

Like that's just what's here.

It's fine.

But as the last pass goes by,

You get to the next dance part,

Both in the middle and in the back.

PATRICK PICHETRIN.

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