This is our third talk on wise communication and we started off last week with the question,
Is what I'm about to say true?
And we know the truth through our direct experience.
You know,
We we safeguard the truth by communicating in a way that clarifies,
This is my belief,
This is my assumption.
And Tuesday we looked at timing.
Is this the right time?
And this is so important,
So important to ask this question.
Is this the right time to speak,
To share what is true for me?
And today's question when we communicate with others is,
Is what I'm about to say kind?
Is my speech supportive?
And what I'd like to point to is the deeper principle that what we're learning through meditation is how not to harm ourselves.
We're learning to do that for ourselves.
We're learning to talk to ourselves in a way that's not harsh.
We're learning to talk to ourselves in a way that is reassuring and inspiring.
We're learning this,
How to relate to ourselves in a deeper way with care.
And I know that some people are harsh on themselves,
Very critical of themselves,
More so than they would be with anyone else.
And some people only discover this when they sit down to meditate and see how hard they are towards themselves.
How their tone,
Their tone of voice,
The inner voice that's talking is harsh and mean and maybe even angry and cruel.
So in meditation,
We're learning to shift the relationship we have to ourselves,
Not by doing it differently,
But by letting go of how we've been doing it,
Softening and relaxing and quieting the mind so that the harsh mind and the critical mind that's kind of on the surface begins to quiet down as we rest in the wave of the breath.
And when then it quiets down,
There's a tendency to care and to speak to yourself in a soothing way,
In a kind way.
Sometimes when we're out in the world,
Our words just carry with them hostility or frustration or criticalness of others.
And in that habit,
We say things that are mean or harsh.
And what happens is that the relationships that we have within that tone of voice,
That hostility that we carry,
It doesn't come across as healthy and related.
It actually does the opposite.
We end up pushing people away,
Creating bigger divisions and perhaps even conflict by what we say.
When we use our harsh voice,
It's pretty clear that it's a pushing away.
And maybe that's what we want to do.
You know,
When we are yelling at someone who's driving and we don't like the way they're doing it,
There's almost like,
I don't care,
I'll never see them again.
But by yelling or calling them names,
We're contributing to a society of anger.
You know,
We're contributing to the defensiveness that's in our culture.
And it's more likely that we'll be triggered and stressed out by things that happen around us.
The Buddha talked about speaking with what is translated as a gentle,
Pleasant,
And soothing speech.
The Buddha said,
It's speech that goes straight to the heart.
So speaking with a tone of voice that's not harsh,
A tone,
A speed,
And a volume that doesn't come across as harsh or unpleasant,
Doesn't make people cringe or pull back or shut down.
Speaking in a way that is pleasing and goes right to the heart.
So that may be contrary to how it is for you.
It's certainly contrary to what we hear in the in the news or on the political stage.
Maybe it seems like a tall order to speak in this way,
But that's kind of what we're aiming at.
It's the aim to live a life in which our communication is inwardly nourishing for ourselves and nourishing for others.
And those two are not separate.
If we're harsh towards others,
If we speak in words that are frightening or uncomfortable for other people,
Likely we're doing the same to ourselves.
One of the areas where we can be conscious and mindful is how we speak from habit energy.
You know,
When we're not really conscious of what motivates us to speak,
We speak impulsively.
And often when we speak impulsively,
We're asserting ourselves on other people.
You know,
We're asserting our wishes and our feelings on to others,
Kind of in order to get our own way.
And sometimes it's okay,
You know,
Within reason to need to do that,
To assert ourselves in a way,
If we are habituated to not do so.
But to assert ourselves in such a way that is unpleasant for others.
You know,
It begs the question,
Is there another way?
And in my experience,
There is,
You know,
Sometimes the other way can be simply saying something like,
Wow,
That was difficult to hear.
Like,
And we can say that in a kind and gentle voice,
Like,
Wow,
That was difficult to hear.
Or sometimes when I I'm spoken to harshly,
I can just I can just say,
Ouch,
How that that kind of hurt.
Or,
Wow,
That was kind of quite something.
Maybe we can say,
You know,
Can we pause for a little bit?
Or I didn't hear right.
You know,
As opposed to immediately coming back with something harsh and critical,
We learn to make space.
When we actually engage in harsh speech,
It's painful for ourselves.
Maybe not right at first,
Maybe that the experience is sort of like a self righteous,
Self righteousness,
You know.
But it's actually painful.
Even though we don't realize it.
Sometimes we're so motivated,
When we speak to push people away to get revenge or to attack,
So focused on that purpose,
That we don't actually feel the the impact within ourselves.
So if the acts of our speaking are as the Buddha talks about gentle and pleasing,
Go to the heart.
We can experience the nourishment of that.
And hopefully,
Others are nourished by it.
I've encountered people who are very angry.
I grew up with angry people.
And so what I've learned with being kind of surrounded in that environment,
I found that it's important to step towards them,
To soothe them in a way.
I've certainly done that with my son when he's angry,
Stepping towards them,
Approaching them and be being reassuring.
Just when you,
You know,
We go towards a young child who's upset.
You know,
If our actions with,
I think of children in this scenario,
Are to be angry,
You know,
Or harsh,
It just makes it worse for the child.
And it also makes it worse for ourselves.
So there's this kind of mutuality.
The way that we are speaking,
It has an impact in both directions on ourselves and on others.
And as we deepen our meditation practice,
We realize more and more that it's just not worth doing it.
You know,
It's just not worth doing it.
It's not worth it.
It goes against what feels It goes against what feels valuable and supportive.
So this is a cultivation,
Speaking kindly,
Gently.
And,
You know,
Maybe we can speak to inspire or reassure.
And these are kind of the questions to consider.
Noticing how you speak to yourself,
The tone of voice that you use,
The volume that you use,
Noticing how you speak to others.
And if it's not nourishing,
Is it really worth it?
So thank you for your kind attention.
