Jealousy Doesn’t Mean You're Bad—It Means You're Human

None of us likes to admit that we experience jealousy,

And yet everyone on the planet experiences it.

So,

You know,

We all experience jealousy,

We all judge,

We all worry,

We all compare,

Like these are all kind of,

These are,

These are the mind movements of the psyche,

Of the,

If you would say,

The collective consciousness of our society,

Our culture.

You know,

These would not be the collective thoughts of a native tribe living in harmony with the environment,

But in our culture,

In our modern world,

In our,

In our world of mine,

And this is mine,

And I have a piece of paper that proves it,

And you shouldn't step on my side of the property,

Or,

You know,

In this,

This comparing and competitive world that we live in,

These are the types of thoughts that arise.

And so,

Even in a thought like jealousy,

Or an emotion like jealousy,

And I was reading this just the other day in Tricycle Magazine,

I thought it was a really good article about jealousy,

Because it is a common,

Even in fact,

The author of the article was really framing it around dharma centers,

Because there's a lot of jealousy that happens in dharma centers.

We think,

Oh no,

Not in a dharma center,

This is pristine,

And it shouldn't happen,

And dharma centers are amazing.

They're just our sangha,

But in a,

In a physical building.

But then there can also be,

You know,

Not constant,

But there can be jealousy for how much attention one person is getting from the teacher.

A lot of the,

A lot of the jealousy tends to revolve around that,

If one person feels,

You know,

If you feel someone's getting more attention.

Jealousy because you're thinking,

Oh,

This person told me they just went on this retreat,

Or this person's meditating so much longer than me,

And I don't have that much discipline,

Or just all of these ways that we,

You know,

Compare ourselves,

Then have some jealousy.

And yet,

We have this,

This shame around feeling jealousy.

And if we have the shame around it,

Then we don't,

We don't even want to admit it to ourselves.

We think,

I'm a bad person.

I'm a bad person.

I shouldn't be,

I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy.

I shouldn't be feeling jealousy,

Or I shouldn't be comparing myself.

I shouldn't be judging them.

And again,

Just resisting what's going on.

But the more that we can recognize whatever,

Whatever it is you are feeling,

Whatever you are feeling is a normal part of the human experience.

You are not,

In some way,

You are not a bad person,

Because you're having these emotions,

Right?

These are just the causes and conditions of our society,

Of our culture,

Of our values,

Of our superego,

Right,

Of just how we've been arising.

But now,

Because of these other conditions of meditation,

And mindfulness,

And being more aware,

And compassion,

Right,

That you can recognize what's going on and say,

Yeah,

There's some jealousy here.

Okay,

Not a bad person,

Because of it.

But let me go in and feel my jealousy,

Right?

Breathe into it.

Again,

Be with the jealousy,

Not the thoughts,

Not the thoughts that I'm a bad,

Not the thoughts about,

I'm jealous what they're getting over there.

And I would be so happy if I would just,

If I had got all the attention of the teacher,

Or if I had done that retreat,

Or whatever it is,

Or if I'd had that insight,

Right?

Not that,

Right?

And not that I'm a bad person,

Because I'm having this,

Oh,

I'm a bad spiritual practitioner,

Right?

That's just,

Again,

Just the ego slipping in another back door.

Okay,

Okay,

She's off this.

Now,

Let's kick,

Well,

Let's start kicking her from another direction,

Right?

It's the recognizing what's happening without any judgment,

Right?

That's,

All of you have heard mindfulness,

There's no judgment in mindfulness,

That doesn't exclude shame,

Or guilt,

Or jealousy,

Or judging,

Or envy,

Resentment,

Anger,

It doesn't exclude any of our emotions,

It's for all of them to recognize this is what's happening.

Okay,

Okay,

I recognize what's happening,

I'm not a uniquely bad person,

Because it's happening,

Well,

Let me come in and feel it,

And tell jealousy the feeling,

It's okay that you're here,

It's okay that you're here,

Jealousy,

What's going on?

Are you afraid there's not going to be enough left over for you?

It's okay,

It's okay,

I'm here with you,

Right?

Because in the jealousy is a fear of that there's not going to be enough for me,

Someone else is getting it,

We see the world through that very much zero-sum game,

If you're taking a piece of the pie,

That's,

You know,

There's not enough for me,

Right?

Again,

Thinking that our peace is dependent upon the external world,

But when we come in and we feel our jealousy,

And we feel the fear in the jealousy,

The fear that,

Oh,

There may not be enough for me,

Is that what you're feeling,

Sweetheart?

That's okay,

Right?

Talking to,

That's okay,

I'm here with you,

You're fine,

You're okay,

And you can be here,

And let's feel you,

Let's let you be,

But I want you to know that we're okay,

And I'm here with you,

And I will never leave you,

And isn't that enough?

Right?

So,

We're kind of doing a little duality in there,

But in a way to heal the feelings,

To heal the hurt,

To heal the fear,

To heal the insecurity that so many of us walk around with,

To keep coming back and being with what's here,

And healing our emotions,

Healing the hurt,

Healing the fear,

Not berating ourselves because we're having these emotions,

But taking these unpleasant,

Let's say,

Emotions,

And bringing compassion and wisdom to them.

Compassion and wisdom through mindfulness,

And remembering our intention,

I want peace,

Come in and feel,

Come in and be with what's here.

Exactly what you were saying,

Ana,

Beautifully said,

Because it is,

It's these shadow parts of us that we don't want to admit to,

Right?

And if we can't,

We can't just,

If we,

Sorry,

If we look at ourselves in this kind of,

I'm good over here,

But I've got these bad parts over here,

We will never reconcile that,

And as we talked about in last week's talk,

Like,

We are complex beings.

We have kindness,

And we have stingy moments,

We all have,

Or less than kind moments,

Let's say,

And to deny any part of us,

That's not being whole.

We want to feel whole,

Right?

We want to feel complete,

And that's in the peace,

Right?

In the peace is the,

I'm whole,

And I'm complete.

I'm not berating myself,

Because I just had a moment and said something,

Maybe I need to apologize,

Maybe it was just myself,

Maybe I was just on my own,

And I kind of said something,

It's like,

Oh,

Wasn't very nice,

Or wasn't very nice to myself,

Maybe,

Right?

It's like,

Oh,

Okay,

I forgive you,

It's okay,

It's just,

You know,

A little momentary slip up,

Not a bad person because of it,

Because even the Dalai Lama admits that he can get angry sometimes,

And if the Dalai Lama can admit it,

Can we all admit it too?

Because that doesn't,

You know,

Being whole is including all of us,

The light and the dark,

But the more that we deny the dark parts of us,

The more that they find ways to come out,

Right?

The more that they will express themselves in a way,

It will come out in ways that we don't want them to come out,

And I have found that the more that you come in and you accept and you love those parts of you too,

Because again,

Behind the anger,

The rage,

The jealousy,

The shame,

The guilt,

The envy,

The resentment,

Is always some kind of hurt or fear,

Some unmet need,

There's some unmet need there,

And so the more that we can come in and be like,

And you too,

It's okay,

Right?

And it feels seen and it feels heard,

And it's like,

Yeah,

Any one of us under the right conditions could go one direction or another.

I'm sure some of you are familiar with that experiment they did at Stanford,

I think in the 60s or the 70s,

Where they put,

You know,

Of course,

College students are always used for the experiments,

And they,

One group of college students were,

So they made a mock jail,

And one group of college students were prisoners,

And another group of college students were the guards,

And I think,

Like,

It didn't take long,

Maybe four or five days into the experiment,

They had to end it,

Because the prisoners,

You could see them just,

You know,

Becoming,

Wilting under being this number,

And the way that the guards were treating them,

And how vicious and cruel that they were getting,

And just how quickly,

Like,

It started to devolve into this really horrible situation,

And they had to stop the experiment.

And so,

To deny those parts of us,

I think,

Then when they get expressed under,

They can come out under certain conditions,

And we're unaware of how they can come out,

But I think the more that you are aware of those parts of you,

Under those conditions,

Under the really,

Really difficult conditions,

I mean,

The really,

Really,

You know,

Someone is being incredibly horrible,

Incredibly cruel,

Under those conditions,

If you aren't aware that you have those conditions,

And you have those seeds inside of you,

Too,

Then they could easily come out,

And you could start turning into being the same kind of aggressive,

Cruel type person.

But I think the more that we acknowledge,

Like,

We all have,

And in Buddhism,

It's called this store consciousness,

Seeds for everything,

Seeds for everything,

And it is simply your causes and conditions that certain seeds get watered,

And certain seeds don't,

But do not think for one moment that they are not there.

So,

When we see another person,

And we think,

Oh,

They're horrible,

Look at what they're doing,

Each of us have those seeds in us,

Too.

It's just that their causes and conditions watered them.

And in that way,

We can actually have compassion for those other beings,

Because how awful to be going through that.

So,

Don't deny any part of you.

Don't deny any part of you.

Come to those parts skillfully,

Wisely,

With compassion,

Feeling,

Breathing mindfully into them,

And exploring and investigating,

Because again,

You know,

While the jealousy has that certain kind of feel,

When you feel,

When you really come in and explore it,

And you feel the hurt,

And the anger,

Too,

Like you feel the hurt that's there,

It just softens,

Right?

The compassion comes out.

And it's like,

Yeah,

It's okay,

Sweetheart.

It's okay,

Sweetheart,

I'm here with you.

You've got my full attention.

I really find those just those words alone,

You've got my full attention,

Because we just don't give our attention to our unpleasant feelings,

To those parts of us that we deem as unworthy,

As parts of us that we would like to hide from the world,

And thereby hiding it from ourselves as well.

We want to bring it out.

We want to be able to bring it out in an environment that nurtures and transforms,

Because if we can bring out those feelings and be with them,

What we're doing is transforming and bringing more compassion and wisdom into those parts of us.