Letting Go Of The Pain Of Difficult People (Loving Kindness)

Whenever we have a difficult person in our lives,

We tend to imagine as though it's kind of a unique,

One-off,

Rare kind of experience for us,

As though it really shouldn't be happening.

And so we tell ourselves a story about how happy we would be if we could just get this one difficult person out of our lives.

And then maybe through some circumstances changing,

Someone moves,

They get a new job,

That difficult person is out of our lives.

And we're so happy.

Yay,

The difficult person's gone.

But then it doesn't take very long before a new difficult person comes along.

And we start telling ourselves,

I'd be so happy if I could just get this one difficult person out of my life.

The reality is that there are a lot of difficult people in the world.

There are a lot of unhappy people,

A lot of people really struggling.

And often that is expressed in not very thoughtful behavior,

In difficult behavior.

We do need to accept that there are difficult people in the world.

So we're not always surprised by it happening.

So we also need to expect that there will be difficult people in our lives.

And while I think fortunately for a lot of us here in this group,

We don't let too many things bother us,

The little difficult people situations,

The person that was a little rude in Starbucks or the cut in line or the person that has 20 items in the 10 items or less checkout lane,

We tend to let a lot of those things go.

We don't get quite so bothered by those things.

But then there's this one person that just rubs us the wrong way.

And for whatever reason,

We just don't like them.

Or maybe they don't like us.

We know how painful that is for our ego when someone doesn't like us,

Even if we don't like them.

It's just a little bit harder for us to let this one go.

And so we come back to that story about if I could just have this one difficult person out of my life,

I'd be so happy.

And in that pushing back on reality,

Pushing back on that person being in our lives,

We tell ourselves a story where we start judging the other person,

Where we start exaggerating all of their what we perceive as their bad qualities and minimizing any positive qualities that they might have.

And while we don't wish anything bad to happen to that person,

We definitely don't wish anything good happening to them either.

In those moments when we're telling ourselves those stories,

Our hearts are really closing up in those moments.

We have no compassion,

No understanding.

There's no kindness.

There's no forgiveness.

There's no patience.

And we really have to think about who we're becoming when we tell ourselves these stories.

And even though it may be,

Oh,

I just do it for a few minutes every other day,

Think about this person,

To think about that's becoming a practice then.

You're spending time thinking unkind thoughts about another person.

You are developing and nurturing negative states of mind.

And on the Buddhist Eightfold Path,

The path that the Buddha prescribed for awakening,

For happiness,

Right effort,

Which is on the path,

Is developing and nurturing positive mind states and abandoning negative mind states.

So we are doing the exact opposite when we are having these stories,

When we're telling ourselves these stories about why we wish this person wasn't in our lives.

So there are real consequences for these stories that we tell ourselves.

And so last week when we talked about all of the different meditation styles,

The different practices,

I had recommended loving kindness practice as a really powerful practice for when we have difficult people in our lives.

And mind you,

Difficult people aren't always just the typical difficult person that we think about.

I mean,

Sometimes the people we love are the difficult people that we're having a challenge with a family member,

Your partner,

Your child,

A friend.

And they're the ones that you're telling the story about.

And it's really hard to let that story go.

So loving kindness meditation is just this incredibly powerful practice for pulling us out of the grips of that story because we feel so justified in telling our story.

We feel so,

I'm so right in telling myself why they're such a bad person and why they're wrong and why they shouldn't do this.

And we feel so justified in it,

It's really hard to let it go.

It's a really sticky,

Sticky story for us.

So we need a really powerful practice to help pull us out of it because we don't want to be developing and nurturing negative mind states.

So I want us to do the loving kindness meditation today.

And I want to just also just describe why loving kindness meditation is so powerful in pulling us out of the grips of these stories.

So it is a visualization meditation along with a heart opening practice.

So we are visualizing different groups of people.

And as we're imagining these people in our mind's eye,

We are sending them loving kind thoughts.

We start with ourselves.

We imagine ourselves first and we send thoughts like,

You know,

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be healthy?

May I feel loved?

May I feel accepted and included?

May I be at peace?

And I will give us all of this language as we go through the meditation.

So these are not affirmations.

We're not saying I am happy.

You know,

I am peaceful.

I mean,

You may not be happy.

You might be irritated because you were just thinking about a difficult person.

And that's why you came to this meditation.

So we're not necessarily in a happy state in that moment.

So we're not saying anything contradictory.

But what we are doing is acknowledging that we would like to be happy.

And so by saying,

May I be happy?

May I be safe?

May I be peaceful?

We start to open our hearts up a little bit more.

We start to feel a little bit more spaciousness there.

We start to become a little softer.

And then we go to the next group of people.

And I do it for the next two groups.

I do them as whole groups.

My family,

Your family,

All of your family,

Imagine in your mind's eye,

They can be passed,

They can be alive.

It can be people that are so close to you that you consider them to be family.

And as you look at your family,

You send these same thoughts.

And again,

I'll be guiding you through the meditation.

May you be happy?

May you be safe?

May you be well?

And you really open your heart,

Really trying to feel,

Have that heartfelt sense of these words that you're sending to these family members.

And then we do our friends.

And again,

Just imagine all your friends up there.

And you say the same phrases to them,

Really looking at them,

Wishing them to be happy,

Wishing them to be safe,

Wishing them to be well.

So now,

By the time we get to the difficult person,

Our hearts are really open.

And we're feeling really good because we've just been developing,

Nurturing positive mind states,

Sending loving,

Kind thoughts to people we care about,

Including ourselves.

And in doing that,

By sending thoughts of love to ourselves and other people,

We feel love.

And sending thoughts of kindness to other people,

We feel the kindness,

Right?

To feel love,

You have to give love,

Right?

So we feel it.

We feel whole.

We feel complete.

So we're in a really good place at this time now to look at this difficult person and be able to have this same wish for them.

And as we say the words to them in this much more open heart state,

As we say,

May you be happy,

May you be safe,

May you be well.

We recognize that this person just wants to be loved,

Just wants to be happy,

Included,

Just like we want.

They have their challenges.

They have their difficulties,

Just like we do.

But we really all just want the same thing.

And when you see them in this way,

With that real,

Just that shared connection,

That heartfelt connection of really just wanting the same thing,

We're just humans doing the best we can.

The story that we were telling ourselves about them starts to look a little false.

You start to see some holes in it.

Maybe they're not quite the devil,

As we were making them out to be,

Or quite as evil as we thought.

The thread starts getting pulled out of the story.

And we see them as another human being.

It just wants happiness,

Just like we want happiness.

And it doesn't mean after the meditation you run to them,

I love you,

Man.

You're the best.

It doesn't mean that.

You may still not like them,

But you're not telling yourself a story about them anymore.

You're no longer developing and nurturing negative mind states.

And that's huge.

And you're doing,

In fact,

Just the opposite.

You are developing and nurturing positive mind states.