How To Work With Triggers And Parts

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michelle Schellfond and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon and here we go with the latest episode.

Okay,

So let me tell you what happened with my trigger and how this all happened.

So a couple of weeks ago,

I was gone.

I actually,

The Adult Chair Live,

Remember I just did that recently.

That was when I taught the Adult Chair Live down in Charlotte.

And actually,

Even though I live in,

I live north of Charlotte,

So even though I left or I taught here,

I actually went down and stayed in a hotel for a few days because it was just a lot easier and my whole team was in town.

So I was away from home.

So came home and Sunday after teaching and being away for a few days,

I was wiped on the Sunday after I taught.

And that's typically what happens.

I give my 150% for the few days,

Whatever event I'm doing,

And then I come home and I have to recharge.

So I am typically on the couch.

I am sleeping.

I think that Sunday I took a two hour bath because I was so just,

Oof,

I needed a recharge,

Which is very normal.

So what happened was my husband,

Of course,

Has not seen me in days because I was away.

And he is saying things like,

What are you doing today?

And I said,

I would like to just recharge.

That's the way,

I have to say,

When it comes to being an extrovert or an introvert,

I think I'm somewhere in the middle,

But definitely lean toward that introvert when it comes to how I recharge.

So I recharge by being alone.

I don't want to talk to anybody.

I do not want to see anybody.

I want to be alone and just sometimes veg out.

Again,

I'm in the bath.

I am taking maybe a hike if I have the energy and actually did that morning,

Take a hike in the woods.

I came home with my dog and went straight to the bathtub and then I was done for the whole day.

So my husband was like,

Okay.

And he didn't say anything about it.

It was just like,

Oh,

You're tired.

Oh,

This.

Oh,

That.

Like he didn't really ask me what was going on.

So he was around the house with me,

But didn't be direct with me is what I want to say about this because it's important to the trigger that came up.

So what happened was he said a few things to me during that day,

Which were really interesting.

At one point he said to me,

Like,

Hey,

What are you doing now?

And I think it was like around lunchtime,

Somewhere around noon.

And I was like,

I am going to take a bath.

And he's like,

What are you going to do after?

And I was like,

And then I'm just going to go veg.

He's like,

Oh.

And when he said,

Oh,

I could feel that he was making up a story at the time.

I was like,

Oh,

He clearly wants to spend time.

He's not saying anything.

I didn't say a word because what I've learned over the years is it's not my job to fill in the blank and to take care of anyone else.

That is my codependency recovery right there.

So I wait for people to share with me what they need.

And it's not to say I never extend myself,

But so I don't,

I don't fill in what I'm intuitive,

Intuitively feeling or guessing.

Cause I'm like,

Okay,

Well he didn't say anything.

But when he didn't say anything,

I felt something inside of me,

Like get a little,

Little tiny tension.

And then we went on and then he said something else like later on the afternoon,

Like,

Oh,

You're gonna just rest today.

And I was like,

Uh-huh.

Didn't say anything again.

Time went on.

And then the evening came around and I was,

I had some stuff to do.

I was transferring stuff to a computer and doing a couple of things on my laptop.

And then he said,

I'm going to go to bed.

And I said,

Okay.

You know,

He said,

I'm going upstairs.

I said,

Okay.

So I was on my laptop and then I was,

While I was on my laptop transferring things on my laptop,

I,

Um,

I had some show on and I,

And when I was done transferring everything,

I closed my laptop and I'm like,

Oh,

There's 15 more minutes to the show.

And then I decided to continue to watch the rest of the 15 minutes.

And then I just went upstairs.

But while those 15 minutes were just,

I was watching the show and I didn't have my laptop on my lap.

He walked back downstairs and he peered around the corner and he looked at me when I was on the couch and didn't say anything.

And I could feel this energy of,

I want to spend time with you and you're not coming upstairs just to hang out and talk.

I just want to connect.

That was the story I was making up in my head,

But I could intuit intuitively feel it as well.

So then I went upstairs and I said,

Didn't we have plans tonight?

I don't even remember.

And he goes,

Yeah,

I had made,

I had bought us tickets for a play and was going to take you out to dinner,

But you were too tired.

I'm like,

Oh my gosh,

I totally forgot.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know.

I'd completely forgot about it.

He said,

It's fine.

You were too tired.

So again,

He didn't speak up.

So the point of this was he didn't speak up.

And by the time I went to bed,

I turned,

I got,

And then I climbed in bed.

I was so tired that whole day.

I was like,

I'm just going to go to sleep because he's not saying anything.

And I said,

Anything you want to talk about?

He said,

Nope.

Good night.

Good night.

But in my gut and everywhere else,

I was like,

He wants to speak,

But he's not saying anything.

And I realized I was getting more and more little tiny,

Tiny triggers,

Like little paper cuts throughout the whole day.

It was triggering me,

But I was too tired.

I didn't want to get into it.

I didn't want to open up that can of worms.

So Monday comes around and I have an unbelievable work day.

I start at eight in the morning and I go back to back to back all day long.

It was a crazy day until my last call ended at 7pm.

It was all work related.

I was go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go the entire day.

So I wake up in the morning and I realized I am hugely irritated.

And then I was irritated with my day because it was such a long day,

But I was really irritated with him.

And I found myself not able to really look at him.

And I was like,

I could just feel irritation when I looked at him.

I'm like,

Oh boy,

I'm triggered.

I'm fully triggered.

But the problem was I was so busy with my day.

I didn't have even a second to,

To,

To,

To sit with my trigger.

So that's the backstory.

So then by the end of the day,

He was like,

Are you okay?

And I was like,

I'm not,

But I need to sit with it.

By the end of the day,

He had said this because he could clearly tell something was going on.

I said,

It's just been a long day,

Not in a good place.

There's something going on.

I'm going to sit with it and I'll be in touch.

He was like,

Okay.

But then that threw him,

Of course,

Because I was,

You know how that goes.

So the next morning,

Tuesday morning,

I have a dental appointment really early.

It was like eight o'clock in the morning.

So I'm driving,

I get up in the morning and that trigger is blowing up.

And I have to say,

Typically I don't spend this much time not working on the trigger.

If I didn't have such a long work day on that day after I would have done it that day.

So now we're like a day in,

This is way too long to let a trigger fester.

So like a wound that's festering,

It gets more irritated.

That's what happens with our parts.

So one of my parts was getting angrier by the second.

And by the time I woke up that next day,

It was rage.

I was like,

I am so freaking angry.

I feel enraged.

And this is what I was feeling inside.

My stomach was like twisted and like,

It was crazy.

Like I had so many knots in my stomach.

It was horrible.

So I jumped in the car for my dental appointment in the morning,

Early morning.

He wasn't even out of bed yet.

And I said,

Okay,

Clearly I'm triggered.

Clearly there's a part of me,

And this is,

I just want to be clear when we do parts work,

I want you to remember we have so many parts that are within us.

So many parts.

So when you get triggered,

Remember it's a,

It's an unconscious belief,

Limiting thought,

Whatever you want to call it,

That's rising up inside of me.

We can say,

Yes,

He caused that trigger,

But it's,

I don't want to leave it up to him to take care of the trigger.

It's not up to me to say something to him,

Right?

So that my trigger goes away.

Triggers are an opportunity for us to see what,

What is unknown within ourselves.

So before I talked to him,

I said to myself,

I've got to work through this trigger.

So here we go.

So I'm driving to the dentist and I'm tuning into my stomach area and it is,

I mean,

So tight.

I feel this rage inside of me.

I'm like,

What in the world is going on?

So I sat with,

So this is how you work with the trigger.

So when you feel that physical sensation in your body,

You tune into it,

You go there.

But the first question you ask is,

Which is what I asked myself,

Like,

What am I feeling here?

Well,

Of course it was quite obvious.

I was like,

I feel rage.

I'm so freaking angry.

Okay.

And I want you to know this.

Oftentimes,

Not all times,

But oftentimes anger and rage,

Those feelings of just so much anger,

They are,

It's a defense against a more vulnerable emotion.

So I always ask the next question,

Which is,

Is there anything under that rage?

But you can't bypass it.

You've got to sit with that first.

Okay.

So I feel this rage.

I feel my stomach in such a knot.

I almost was feeling sick to my stomach.

Like I could throw up.

It was like someone was grabbing on my whole abdomen area and just clenching it down.

I could hardly breathe.

And I was just said,

Okay.

So I feel this rage.

I started taking some intentional,

Slow,

Deep,

Full belly breaths,

Not just from belly,

But like I wanted my whole,

All my lungs to fill up too.

And I slowed everything down and I said,

What is this?

Like what else is going on here?

What's underneath this?

And I said to myself,

I know this is a part of me that's feeling this way.

And I said,

What part of me feels like this?

And the part did not present itself right away.

Sometimes it does,

Sometimes it doesn't.

And what I wanted to do was pull this part out of me just with my mind's eye and put it next to me in this passenger seat.

So then I said,

Okay,

I said,

I am,

I need to know,

Wait,

Let me think what I said.

Okay.

I said,

I need to know what's underneath the anger,

What's underneath this anger and rage.

And when I asked that question,

It was,

That's where the big shift came.

And I felt this part of me that was much more tender and vulnerable.

And then I heard the words that came up and said,

This feels very,

Very unsafe.

I don't like it when he does that.

So all of a sudden the word started coming.

And at that point in time,

I said,

Okay,

Whoever's talking right now,

Come out here and talk to me.

And I put that part of me next to me in the passenger seat.

And I said,

Tell me more.

So when we have a trigger,

We go directly into that trigger.

We go directly into the trigger so we can talk to the part of us that is so triggered.

And I said,

Tell me more,

What is going on?

And that part said to me,

I don't like it when,

When,

When he lies and I don't like when people lie to me.

And I said,

Okay.

And honestly,

You guys consciously,

I was like,

How did he lie?

Like I was confused by that statement,

But I said,

Tell me more.

How did he lie?

And this part said,

He's not telling the truth.

He's not telling the truth.

And I said,

Okay,

So you're upset because you,

You feel like someone has lied to you and that Graham is not telling the truth.

And this little girl sitting next to me said,

Yes.

I said,

Okay.

And I got to tell you,

As this little kid sitting next to me is talking to me,

I felt this such a young energy.

And I said,

How old are you?

And she said,

10.

I was like,

Ooh,

There it is.

And I said,

Okay.

And this is the other thing that was so cool.

All that tension in my stomach,

The moment I started letting her be furious,

Rageful,

She was yelling.

She was,

I mean,

The rage that was coming out,

But I just sat and witnessed it.

That's all we do when we're doing this work.

I sat and witnessed the rage.

Then it turned to anger.

Then it turned,

It just,

It's like,

It's our emotions oftentimes are stacked.

So it went from rage to anger and then it got more vulnerable.

And then it was,

I don't like when people lie to me,

This is scary.

This feels really unsafe.

And as this little girl inside of me went down through her emotions,

The tension in my stomach released more and more and more and more and more.

I didn't correct her.

I didn't discipline her.

I just witnessed it.

That's it.

I stayed curious and I witnessed what was going on within her.

And I said,

Tell me more.

I'm here with you.

And she just said,

I don't like it.

It feels so,

So scary.

And I could feel that was the bottom.

And I said,

Is there anything else that you feel other than really,

Really scary?

And she said,

I just don't feel safe when people lie.

I said,

Okay.

So that was the bottom.

So what we look for when we do this parts work and trigger work is that we go to the bottom of the emotion.

We go after that root or the tap root.

Like what's that core emotion?

And for this little kid inside of me,

What was going on with Graham was bringing up for me this feeling of unsafety.

So I said,

Thank you so much for sharing.

And I said,

I just want you to know who I am.

You know,

I'm the grownup version of you.

I'm here with you.

I said,

I just want you to know,

Because here's what I was aware of being the adult person that I am.

That's how it felt for me growing up with my extended family.

There was a lot of sweeping things under the carpet,

Pretending like they never happened.

That those were the lies.

That was the lack of speaking up that by Graham not speaking up was bringing it by Graham not speaking up all of the old stuff within me was being brought up.

So when we're triggered,

Remember it's an opportunity to heal and transform something within ourselves.

Okay.

So it's always an opportunity.

We've got to turn toward that trigger and we go directly into it.

And that's what I did.

The knots in my stomach were gone.

This little kid went from rage to then really,

Really,

Really sad.

And then I said to her,

I said,

Listen,

I told her who I was.

And again,

My body by this time when I'm educating this little kid was so much calmer.

And then I said to her,

I said,

Listen,

I said,

Here's what's true.

I said,

And thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing with me what's going on inside of you.

I said,

I just want you to know that he is working really hard and speaking up for what he feels is true.

He's such a good guy.

He's not anything like these people that we grew up with as far as extended family goes.

Uncle and grandmother specifically.

I said,

He's not them at all.

I said,

But I know that it's reminding you of that,

That you grew up with.

And I said,

Here's the difference.

I said,

I can protect you.

I love you.

And then I said,

And I had my,

Put my hand on my stomach when I was saying this,

Where all the tightness was.

And I said,

I have got you.

I've got you.

And I will never let anyone treat you the way that you were treated when you were growing up.

I promise you.

I said,

I have boundaries and I will take care of you.

And when I said that,

It was the most beautiful thing.

My entire body felt like it was regulated.

My whole nervous system regulated,

Balanced and relaxed.

And I had,

As it was interesting when I was driving,

I had my right elbow because I was driving on the,

Um,

That middle console thing.

And I,

Again,

I,

I myself am more visual and I sense things.

I felt this little kid put her hand right on top of mine.

So that may or may not happen.

Some with some people that happens all the time.

If it doesn't happen to you,

That's okay.

If you don't feel things like that.

But I felt this little kid put her hand on top of mine and she looked up at me and she was like,

Thank you.

And I looked at her and I said,

I've got you.

There was something about that statement.

So here's what you want to do when you're doing this work.

You want to find the statement that resonates the deepest with you.

What resonates the most deeply with you?

What is that statement?

Because you can use my statement that I just used,

But you got to find the one that resonates deeply with you.

And for whatever reason,

That little kid inside of me,

She needed to hear,

I've got you.

Even it's so interesting.

Like,

Even as I say this right now,

Woof,

That my whole body relaxes and my stomach,

Even though my stomach is not tight right now,

I got to tell you guys,

It's like relaxing even more.

It's how fascinating is that?

So that was that.

I mean,

This,

By the way,

Took about five minutes,

Maybe.

This doesn't take long.

Sometimes it takes a little bit longer,

Like 10 minutes,

15,

But this was really,

Really quick.

But this is what happens when we turn toward that which scares us.

And you would think,

Who the heck wants to turn toward their own rage?

It's like,

I do,

Because I want to release that rage.

I want to move through that rage.

I want to move beyond that rage.

I want to,

Here it is,

Understand what is going on.

What is going on inside of me?

Why is there so much anger?

I could sit and yell at Graham,

My husband,

And say,

Why are you doing this to me?

Here's the thing that people say.

Why are you making me feel this way?

Let me tell you something.

Nobody can make you feel anything.

How you feel is already within you.

So when we're triggered,

It's an opportunity to work with a part of us that feels like that.

It's a little kid part or a teenager part or a 20-year-old part.

It's just a part of you that feels like that.

And when you connect with that part,

It transforms that part.

So here's part two of my story,

Because I say what I mean,

Okay?

And I'm talking to this little kid next to me and I said,

I've got you and I will take care of this.

She was like,

Okay.

So she had my word.

I gave her my word.

So I finished.

So it was a phenomenal,

I can't even tell you the calmness that I had.

I was like,

Okay,

Next part,

Part two is I got to go home and I'm going to walk straight up to Graham.

Because Graham was asking me the day before when I was working,

It was about 12 hours.

Every time I'd run to the bathroom,

He's like,

We need to talk.

I'm like,

Mm-hmm.

I couldn't,

I was so angry.

By the end of the day,

I was toast.

I just,

I couldn't do it.

I did not have the ability or the capacity to do it.

So I said,

I need to go home and I need to have a conversation with him.

And I did.

I literally got home.

I sat for a few minutes in nature and then I walked inside and I said,

We need to talk.

I said,

I need to share with you a few things about why I have felt so off with you and triggered.

And here's what I discovered about myself.

And I said,

Here's the thing.

I said,

I'm going to share these things with you.

They may not make any sense to you.

And that is because this is from a very younger part of me or young part of me.

I said,

In fact,

She was 10 years old.

I said,

This part of me was the part that was very triggered.

And I just did all this work around this with her.

And I am in such a much better place.

I feel calm.

I said,

But here's all that I made up in my mind,

Whether it's true or not,

This is what occurred to me.

And I gave him all the lists that I just gave you guys.

You know,

When you didn't say this,

This is what came to me,

Whether it was intuitive or a story,

I don't know what,

When you said this,

This is what it felt to me,

Which was felt very intuitive to me.

I went down the whole list.

And he sat and he listened to everything.

And then when I was done,

He said,

Thank you so much for sharing.

And he said,

Everything that you just said,

You know,

As far as intuitively goes,

You know,

You were accurate.

And he said,

And I want to tell you also that I am not happy with you and here's why.

And then he listed his reasons.

And I sat very quietly and listened.

And he said things to me like,

I don't like that it took so long to resolve this,

Which I totally get.

I don't like that you weren't relational with me.

Totally got that.

I'm sharing this with you guys because when I,

When I meet with people live and in person and on Facebook and Instagram,

You know,

People say to me,

When will I never do this?

It's like,

There is no perfect.

And I said to him,

You're right.

I could have said something to you sooner.

I had a horrendous work day the day before I was completely tapped out of energy.

I didn't have it,

But you're right.

And I didn't defend.

I didn't,

I just said,

You're right.

And I apologize.

And next time I will do my best to do better.

Done.

We had a hug.

He shared with me,

I can't remember a few other things and I just listened and we we've done this work.

So for those of you that are listening,

Going,

Well,

My partner wouldn't sit and listen to me like that.

We have done work around this and we have practiced and it is a,

It will be a lifetime practice where when I share something with somebody,

Again,

I'm going to speak just he and I,

When I share something with him and he shares something with me,

We have practiced being able to listen without interruption and truly listen with presence and hear that other human being sitting in front of us.

And so,

You know,

For when he and I do it and then we speak,

We take turns.

So we're both heard,

But we don't go into defense and go,

Well,

I didn't mean to.

And then we say like,

Thank you for sharing.

I really appreciate you sharing your reality with me.

We don't know other people's reality.

We don't,

We can sit and guess all day long.

We make up stories and then we get pissed and then we go tell our sister,

Friend,

Cousin,

Whomever,

And they side with us,

Which reinforces the trigger.

And then the trigger gets pushed back down deep inside of us.

We want to stop that.

We want to reverse triggers.

And this is a,

I'm going to call it a trigger reverse by pulling that trigger up.

It's like pulling a,

Like a,

A thorn out of you.

Like when you step on a thorn,

It's like,

How do you pull that out?

So it stops hurting altogether.

So this particular issue with us,

It's done.

It's over,

It's over.

And I can tell you,

Speaking about it right now,

The trigger's gone.

Like if it comes up again,

It might come up a little bit,

Then guess what?

I now have a relationship with my 10 year old self.

So I can talk to that little kid.

And if she goes,

Oh,

It's happening again,

I'm going to go right here with you.

I've got you.

And I've got this.

Ooh,

There it is again.

I feel calm in my belly.

So this is how we work with triggers.

It's a part that part did not know that I was available nor that I even existed.

That's what's crazy.

When these parts form within us,

They get stuck in time.

So it thought I was still 10.

So we educate them on our current age.

We let them know what's true today.

And we let them know the truth,

The fact and truth,

Which is what we do from our adult chair of what the current reality is,

Which is when I shared with this 10 year old,

Like,

Well,

This is Graham and this is who he is today.

He's really such a good guy.

He's done a lot of personal work and he's not perfect,

But neither am I.

Neither am I.

So that is that.

I wanted to share this with you guys because I think working with triggers is such an important thing to help us to heal and live with emotional balance.

It helps to regulate our nervous systems.

And most importantly,

It helps us to live in our adult chair,

Which is the healthiest version of ourselves.

Right.

This is the kind of work that we have to do in order to make that happen.

You've got to look at your triggers and work with your inner parts.

There is not a human on the planet that does not have parts,

Unconscious limiting beliefs,

Unconscious beliefs that are frankly pretty awful.

Like I hate myself.

I don't love myself.

I'm a bad person.

I don't matter.

Shame,

You name it.

We've got all that down deep inside in the abyss of the unconscious mind.

And when we're triggered,

These sorts of beliefs come up about who we are.

We have to look at those things.

We look at those things.

We work with those parts,

Those beliefs,

And that's when our life can change.

So I look forward to hearing your trigger stories because let me tell you something.

I talked about this a lot in the adult chair live event that we just did.

And the other thing I said a lot during those two days is that no matter what,

I don't want anything to disconnect me from myself because I am the one that is most connected to God,

Source,

Love,

Universe,

Whatever you want to call it.

And I connect with my body,

Very specifically my heart.

So when we are triggered,

We are disconnected when we follow the trigger instead of going deep within and working that trigger.

So these working with triggers is a way to stay connected to yourself.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.