Omnidirectional Forgiveness - Talk

So I wanted to share some thoughts on forgiveness,

Something I've been working with for many many years and considering in different contexts in my own life and then also looking at the larger world.

So this is a talk where I'm going to share some of the things I've been thinking about and if you find yourself drawn to what's shared here then please know that there is a practice which is also up on Insight Timer that is a companion to this talk.

So as you probably noticed I entitled this Omni-Directional Forgiveness because one of my insights over the years has been that forgiveness really wants to flow in all directions.

Sometimes we're kind of miserly with our forgiveness.

We forgive this situation but we don't forgive that situation.

We forgive this person but we don't forgive that person and sometimes we're not we're in a state of non-forgiveness with our self and with the world itself and so this is what I'm going to invite you to explore.

So even though this is more of a talk than a practice I always like to encourage everyone just let the words kind of flow over you.

Don't feel like you have to hold on to anything too tightly.

You can come back and listen again if you feel so called or conversely you may want to take a few notes whatever feels best to you.

So this idea of Omni-Directional Forgiveness really I think gets to the heart of what actual forgiveness is.

Anytime we have a conditionality with life,

With others,

With ourself then we're somehow in some pretty murky waters.

So I'm going to offer this idea of Omni-Directional Forgiveness and I kind of unpack it a little bit more.

So first of all I want to talk about forgiveness as a balm for most of what ails us.

So when I think about anger,

When I think about holding a grudge or nursing a wound or sadness or confusion or frustration,

Almost all emotions somehow touch into some state of non-forgiveness or holding on to something too tightly.

So it's interesting to take a week or take a day and start to notice emotions that are arising,

States that are arising and just hold the question,

Is this somehow related to something that wants to be forgiven?

So we can say it in both ways.

We can talk about a state of non-forgiveness or we can talk about fostering forgiveness.

There's value in looking at it through both lenses.

So just holding that question,

If I were to bring some forgiveness to this situation would something shift?

If the answer is yes,

Then that points quite clearly to the fact that there is some element of non-forgiveness that is creating the tension,

The holding,

The frustration,

Kind of feeding the fire of the negativity of what's arising.

It's also very important to say that forgiveness does not condone bad behavior.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you need to even be in relationship with that person.

It's actually very healthy to set boundaries and so there may be a boundary where you're not in relationship with someone,

Something happened that was so intense that there's clarity on your part that you don't want that person in your life.

Perhaps it's not safe to have that person or that situation in your life and yet there still can be forgiveness infused into the situation,

Especially from your end.

So this is also about kind of taking ownership for what's ours and letting go of everything else.

So I may forgive someone kind of from afar.

I may not even ever need to have a conversation with them about it,

But it will soften my heart.

It will lighten my load.

And of course there are other times where perhaps there is the ability to engage in a conversation or some kind of healing process with someone or a situation that's happened.

So trust your own wisdom on knowing what is best.

But sometimes we feel like there can be this polarity of either I forgive this person and so they're back in my life or I don't forgive this person and they're never coming back.

So what I want to offer is that there's a whole bunch of middle ground that often is not explored.

One piece being I forgive this person but I still choose to hold this clear boundary that they're not coming back into my life.

Or I forgive this situation but I'm not actually going to share much with others about it.

I'm just going to work on my own piece of forgiveness for whatever reason.

One thing that forgiveness does is it allows us to stop going around and around and around kind of on the merry-go-round of a story or a circumstance.

So if you're like most humans,

Myself included,

You know there can be certain situations where we've spent literally years just telling ourselves the same story,

Remembering the same difficulty,

And just having that tension,

That holding,

Being in that somatic state of non-forgiveness.

So I want to offer that there are different ways we can notice non-forgiveness and the way that we hold our non-forgiveness.

And one of them is a somatic blueprint in the body.

Tension,

Holding,

Gripping,

Clenching,

Cold heart,

Clenched jaw,

Tight eyes.

Whether you know we want to put the phrase of non-forgiveness to it or the label,

It's pretty clear that that's what's arising.

Forgiveness is the opposite.

Forgiveness is open,

Relaxed,

Open heart,

Unclenched jaw,

Soft eyes,

Gentleness,

Compassion.

And we'll talk a little bit later about the different elements that make up forgiveness because I think that's also helpful.

Forgiveness is such a huge umbrella.

It's almost like love,

Like what is that actually,

Right?

And so it's helpful to tease out the different elements that go into forgiveness.

And for each person,

The recipe,

As it were,

For forgiveness might be a little different.

And for each situation,

There might be a slightly different recipe.

What do I mean by that?

This,

You know,

One situation might call for more spaciousness and letting go.

Another situation might call for compassion,

More compassion,

You know,

So you can again feel into what is true for whatever situation you're working with.

And forgiveness can enter through different doors.

So I want to think about that.

Forgiveness can enter when we start to understand the situation better.

Oh,

You know,

I thought it was this,

This and that.

And now I have more clarity,

Perhaps you had a conversation,

You have a larger view,

And you start to understand the complexity of what was unfolding not only for yourself,

But for others.

So sometimes when we do come into a deeper understanding,

There's more potential for forgiveness.

Sometimes someone actually apologizes,

Wouldn't that be lovely.

So you know,

In those moments,

We can have our hearts soften and,

And choose if it feels authentic to forgive,

Clearing the air with someone being able to be heard and seen having your truth being honored that can also foster forgiveness.

But what do we do in those situations where that's not possible?

How can we move beyond something that is being held as a burden,

Or something that feels unresolved,

And let it go or soften and send forgiveness,

Even as we may not have gotten the apology we wanted,

We may not have had our side heard,

We may not have a deeper understanding of why everything happened happened.

So this is where it can be a call to kind of back into the self of like,

I'm not going to be able to get these external things,

Clarity,

Conversations,

Apologies.

So how do I work with myself?

So one thing we can think about is shared humanity,

Which is something Kristin Neff likes to talk about in her recipe for compassion and self compassion,

But it's also very true in forgiveness.

So somebody betrayed us,

Somebody lied to us,

Somebody hurt us deeply.

This is actually a shared part of the human experience,

I would be,

It would be hard to find a person who's never been hurt,

Never been lied to,

Never been betrayed,

Right?

So instead of feeling isolated,

And so wounded and withdrawing from community and a sense of connection with others,

We can actually use the wounding as a way to remember that we're all here as vulnerable,

You know,

Hearts and souls on this planet.

And there is a lot of wounding that can happen.

There are a lot of issues and complexities and challenges that arise on many levels,

Interpersonally,

Between families,

Between cities and nations.

And there's just a lot arising for everyone and anyone at any given moment.

So just softening into the reality of that.

So that piece of the omni directional forgiveness is what I like to call forgiving life itself.

For many years,

Because I just wanted life to be different.

I wanted there to be more justice,

I wanted there to be more fairness,

I wanted there to be more ease.

I found myself really kind of in a larger argument with life itself.

Why?

Why is it like this on this planet?

Why do we treat each other this way?

On a very personal level,

And on a large,

Large level when we look around and see how much injustice happens,

How much heartbreak,

How much suffering.

So what I kind of came to with myself was that there was actually a need for me to send forgiveness towards life itself,

Which sounds kind of perhaps strange.

But for me,

It was quite helpful to kind of just forgive the given circumstances of what it means to be alive on planet Earth.

And again,

There's like a somatic piece there of softening the body.

There's a mental piece of kind of putting down the stories that I wanted to ruminate and tell myself over and over again,

Kind of nursing the wound,

Or nursing that grudge against life itself.

There's like a letting go.

And then we can also think about contacting,

And this is where we get into the recipe of what is forgiveness.

Contacting a sense of spaciousness.

Okay,

This is the little piece that I see.

Is it possible that there's actually a much larger story unfolding,

Much of which I do not understand?

Much of which might even be beyond my understanding.

So this is where we get into the practice of not knowing.

So just opening up a space for that,

For the not knowing.

And inherent in that language is even space,

Spaciousness.

I've also been thinking a lot recently about how spaciousness and equanimity are quite interconnected.

Perhaps for everyone,

But especially for myself.

The more that I'm able to be spacious,

The more I can hold things with equanimity.

I can feel more grounded,

Balanced in the face of difficulty and challenge.

Because it's not claustrophobic and tight and clinging and holding and all of that.

So letting go of the need to figure everything out,

Letting go of the need to get something from someone else.

You know,

If I had this apology,

Then I could let this go.

I feel compassion for all of us that feel that way.

And yet it is actually possible to start to let go even without that thing we think we need from someone else.

There's also this subtle and not so subtle need that we have sometimes as humans to be right.

I know in this situation,

I was right and I'm going to hold on to it until the day I die.

You know,

And I think we can look in our lives and even see people that potentially have gone to their grave just holding on to that thing so tightly their righteousness.

So that need to be right is anytime we're clinging too hard in that direction.

It's usually a sign that we need to start to open up,

Let go and forgive,

Bring in more forgiveness.

And again,

We do all of this with gentleness and kindness.

We're not rushing through,

We're not spiritually bypassing.

So how do we know we're not spiritually bypassing?

We let ourselves feel the messiness.

I really want to let this go and it's really hard for me to do.

I really want to forgive this person and oh my gosh,

I'm still so angry at them.

Breathing,

Unclenching the hands,

Turning compassion to ourselves,

Turning compassion to the lived life.

So kind of walking through all the different flavors and colors of getting from where we are to a genuine felt sense of forgiveness is necessary and is part of the journey and the practice which I'll get to into more on the other track.

But I just want to say we don't want to be spiritually bypassing and we don't want to be making ourselves wrong if we are holding a grudge or in a state of non-forgiveness.

But we do want to be clear and bring clarity.

Oh wow,

I'm really not able to let this go.

I'm really not able to forgive that person.

I'm really still deeply wounded by what happened.

I'm really still deeply wounded by what happened.

And did you see what happened there even in my language as I'm starting to unpack it?

And then I get to that wounded piece and I could really feel a resonance there for myself like yeah,

Ouch.

Once we really feel into our own woundedness,

We can start to have compassion for the woundedness of everyone else around us,

Perhaps even the person who wounded us.

But again,

Not rushing to it,

Not leapfrogging over something,

Not spiritually bypassing.

So there's this piece about making ourself right and almost just as delicious is making the other person wrong.

This person is this and that and this and that.

We sit in judgment of the other,

Right?

We decree from on high all the things that they're lacking or all the ways that they're wrong.

And there's really something in there,

Some juiciness about the human experience.

We like to do that.

But it also continues to feed the non-forgiveness.

It continues to feed the self-righteousness.

It builds the ego.

It has a big hangover is another way to say it.

So again,

If it's hard to let go of that,

This person did something wrong.

And believe me,

I have struggled with that at different times.

Just working with it is its own beautiful unfolding.

There's much to be learned there.

Just coming back again,

Okay,

I'm going to open my heart just a centimeter more towards this person or this situation or let in some deeper sense of forgiveness or letting go.

So the last thing I think I'll say in this talk is just to kind of tease out the elements that make up forgiveness.

And I encourage you to perhaps journal about this or make a list.

And again,

As I mentioned,

For each person for each situation,

The forgiveness might be slightly different.

But one certainly one aspect of forgiveness is letting go,

Contacting not knowing,

Bringing in gentleness,

Gentle with yourself,

Gentle with others,

Gentle with the situation,

Bringing in a sense of openness,

Willingness,

Showing up.

So often when we're not forgiving,

It's clenching,

Holding,

Blocking,

Constriction.

So here we have like the opposite of that opening,

Letting go,

Softening,

Bringing in a sense of love for yourself.

And self compassion is one element of forgiveness.

I love myself enough to know that nursing this grudge actually hurts me.

So there's the beautiful teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh that being angry with someone else is like holding a hot coal and expecting the other person to be burned.

But it's actually we ourselves that are being burned by the anger.

Similarly here with non-forgiveness,

We are wounded by nursing and nurturing within us this sense of non-forgiveness.

And if you're able to extend out compassion and love towards the other person,

And if not the other person,

How about the situation like a higher 800 foot up in the air view,

Two friends that somehow had a falling out,

Two lovers that,

You know,

Broke up,

A mother and a daughter who have never been able to figure out whatever,

Fill in the blank here,

Right?

Just bringing in a sense of compassion for that.

I already mentioned it,

But I'll mention it again,

Equanimity and spaciousness,

I really do think these two are quite interconnected.

So seeing that larger view,

Spaciousness,

It's not a tiny,

Tiny claustrophobic story that's only about me,

Me,

Me.

But it's a larger story about what it means to be human on planet Earth.

And it has its tendrils in so many different directions.

So that's our spaciousness and then the equanimity,

The ability to even be with things,

Both pleasant and unpleasant,

While staying grounded,

While staying connected to our authentic and true self.

And not just our authentic and true self,

But our,

Our remembering of how we want to be and who we want to be in the world.

I aspire to be someone that is flexible,

Not rigid,

That is forgiving,

Not unforgiving,

That is kind,

Not unkind.

Peace is another aspect of forgiveness.

When we bring forgiveness into a situation,

It's like we're infusing it with some element of peace.

The non forgiveness infuses it with violence,

If we want to,

You know,

I don't know if that sounds like it's overstating it,

But some tension,

Aggression,

Holding,

You know,

I see like fists up ready to fight,

You know.

So when we do start to contact and move toward forgiveness,

We are moving toward peace.

So this omni directional forgiveness,

Forgiving ourself,

Forgiving another person that may need to send forgiveness to,

Forgiving the situation.

Why does it get so complex with people?

How could something that started so beautifully and so badly,

Whatever the story is,

Right?

There's the forgiveness of life itself,

For the complications of being here on planet Earth,

For the limitations of our language and our actions,

Where even times when we are trying to do something good or right,

Or loving,

We still wound each other.

And then of course,

There are people that truly don't have our best interests at heart,

Or truly don't have the best interest of the planet at heart or any given group.

So it's not all just oops,

I goofed.

There are also forces at work that are quite destructive.

So again,

Forgiving doesn't mean we condone or we say it's okay.

But forgiving just invites into the situation more spaciousness,

Love,

Peace,

Compassion,

Gentleness,

Kindness,

Equanimity,

Spaciousness,

Enclosing this piece of action.

Is there some action that you need to take or you want to take to try to create some deeper sense of closure or healing?

Is that not possible?

There are times when that is not possible.

So then again,

Just having that clarity of like,

Oh,

This is actually not one of those situations where I'm ever going to be able to have that conversation or get that apology or even be seen and heard.

So sitting with that forgiving life itself for those stories,

Or you know what,

I'm going to try I'm just going to send out an email or make a phone call and see if there's any openness on the other end to try to bring more understanding to what happened.

But just kind of feeling into that question around action,

Is there any action that wants to be cultivated in this situation?

And beyond the action of the forgiveness,

The forgiveness itself is an action,

Even if it's just an action you're doing on your own.

And even if you know,

No one is ever the wiser,

But you will be the wiser,

Quite literally and figuratively,

Because through that working with forgiveness,

The heart will soften,

The heart will open,

The lived life will be much less claustrophobic,

Much less engaged in resistance and anger,

And frustration and sadness.

And the last thing I'll say,

This really is the last thing,

Is just thinking about forgiveness kind of as a muscle and a verb.

So it is a verb,

I forgive this person,

I forgive this situation,

Something we do,

So again,

Connected to an action.

But also,

It can be a muscle in the sense that the more that we practice with forgiveness,

Then the more we're able to forgive.

So this is a similar,

We find this with compassion as well.

And other of our Brahma Viharas,

Some of the practices we do to seed goodness,

Wisdom,

In our lives,

Forgiveness can very much be a huge source of nourishment in our life once we start to build that capacity.

And as always,

It's best to start with the smaller things,

What's a small thing that I could forgive,

Don't start with the biggest thing.

Working with the smaller things,

The medium things,

Building our capacity,

Deepening our wisdom and clarity about why we're even doing a forgiveness practice will make it easier when we really do meet head on some of the incredible difficulty that we can encounter in this life.

So thank you for letting me chat with you a bit about forgiveness.

And if you are interested in the practice,

Please check out that track.

May you be happy,

May you be healthy,

May you be safe and protected,

May you live with ease and well-being.