Awakening Beha’alotkha: Torah Mussar Mindfulness, 37th Sit

Shalom and welcome to the Institute for Holiness,

Our weekly series called awakening Torah,

Mindfulness,

This week being awakening Baha'u'llotekha,

The Torah portion of the week coming up for those outside of Israel and for in Israel Ha'aretz,

Lash Shabbat,

What we studied and covered and interpreted and learned from.

I am Rabbi Hasia Uri El-Shteimauer,

The founder and director of the Institute for Holiness where we engage in the synergy of learning from two ancient traditions that of Musar and also of the Dharma of Theravada Vipassana,

Insight mindfulness,

And we offer three tracks of Musar,

Musar mindfulness,

And mindfulness meditation.

I'm delighted that you've joined our weekly series,

Our free offering to the community across the whole world for us to engage in a little bit of learning together on this weekly Torah portion,

And then I lead a guided mindfulness meditation together.

Before we begin,

Today on Sunday,

June 12,

2022,

It is 7 30 p.

M.

Here in Israel,

12 30 p.

M.

Eastern Standard Time,

9 30 a.

M.

Pacific Standard Time.

On this day here,

Delighted to have you.

We begin always with our covenant,

Our intention for today's practice,

Which I'm going to share screen with you right now.

For those of you not watching by video,

This is,

You'll hear me read it through the audio,

And we do the first intention,

The first kavanah,

And the last one.

So the first one says,

Before doing acts of caring for the self,

We say,

This is something I'm doing to strengthen my own soul in order to be of benefit to others in the future.

And then at the bottom here we say,

Before doing acts to strengthen your relationship with the divine,

You say,

This is something I'm doing to strengthen my relationship with the Creator so I can be a better conduit of God's good to others when they need me.

So we here at the Institute for Holiness see this series together and this practice of spending about 45 minutes together on Sunday is a real radical act of self-care where we engage in this interpretation and learning together for the sake of heaven and engage in this wonderful meditation so that we can really care for the self to be able to go out with strength and courage to care for those based on what they need.

So this is a very long parasha.

It has many components in it.

It has information about the Kohanga Doh,

The Aharon lighting the menorah.

It has about purifying the Leviim so they can do their service,

The tribe of Levi.

It basically has a whole concept of people who were impure called tamei during Passover.

So they get essentially a Pesach Shemi,

A second Pesach in order to be able to participate in that national ritual that is so important to B'nai Israel,

The people of Israel.

Then we also learn about the Mishkan and in particular the cloud that would cover it by day and the fire by night and the making of silver trumpets in order for Moshe to call the Nissim,

The leaders,

The princes of the tribes.

We're almost a year now at Har Sinai and this is when B'nai Israel are beginning to be commanded to finally travel through the desert forward onward.

Then of course with movement,

With transition,

With change like any of us,

B'nai Israel,

The children of Israel complain.

First they complain what seems to be about just being commanded to move,

Maybe life in the desert and maybe the fact of being forced to march three days in a row.

Then comes a complaint about the man translated as mana,

This miraculous kind of bread that is given to them to be able to have nurturing and sustenance in the desert their whole time.

So what we witness here,

This is what I'm going to focus my time on,

I'll just briefly say there's another segment where Miryam and Aharon speak poorly about Moshe and she is struck with what is called sa'arat.

It's kind of a skin disease of some sort and he after Aharon pleads to him,

He,

Moshe,

Prays on her behalf without mentioning her name.

So I'm going to focus for today on this concept of transition,

The difficulties that we all encounter and the way B'nai Israel did on leaving what was known after spending a year somewhere,

After coming out of slavery,

And the complaints that come with that and how we might emulate what we wanted and expected from God and Moshe but we did not get and we will not get.

There's not compassion here in some sense,

There's not forgiveness,

There is a lot of judgment and reaction and punishment.

So we're going to look at this closely and then attempt to practice what we want and desire and expect from God and Moshe.

Keeping in mind that at least with Moshe,

He's a human being and he too is in need of compassion,

That he makes mistakes.

So we're going to keep this in mind.

All right,

So the first thing,

I want to point out that there's something really,

There's a kind of theme in the background here,

Which is this concept of natural occurrences that which is caused in initiated by the human beings and supernatural,

That which is controlled and run by God.

And this interplay of when are we going to rely on humans and when are we going to rely on God and what does that dance and how does that do,

What does that have to do with bitachon,

With trust.

So you know,

If we recall,

Yitro is Moshe's father-in-law.

He comes back at Harsinai early on and he gives him really sound advice.

He notices Moshe is way overwhelmed,

There's no work-life balance.

And even in his work,

There's no balance,

There's him doing everything.

And he,

You know,

Yitro in his wisdom says you can't go on like this,

You need to appoint leaders,

Tens thousands,

Thousands,

Hundreds,

Ten to handle what can be handled in the smaller cases in society.

So you have this wonderful human natural occurrence of a human being giving wise behavior,

Wise discernment,

And in Moshe filling it through with it.

And then you have through this complaint that we'll go into,

Moshe is so overwhelmed when the people begin to complain about the man,

And in particular,

They start complaining that they want meat,

Which if you take a closer look at what they talk about right after saying meat,

It seems to be that they need fish.

And that's how often it gets interpreted in rabbinic exegesis,

That there is this desire to have this fish that they consumed in Egypt when they were slaves.

And so Moshe,

If you take a look at his reaction in the Torah portion,

It seems to me to be totally reactionary and not balanced.

And it makes me kind of wonder what was going on during that year that didn't seem to be that overwhelming.

I mean,

Yes,

They had some horrible things happen.

For instance,

When he came down from Harsini and encountered the golden calf,

Really had a lack of anger management and expectations with violence and proposed the violence and execution of 3000 of his brethren,

Really difficult,

Horrible things causing harm and suffering.

But then there's this transition where they seem to have kind of worked out building for the Mishkan,

For the tabernacle,

Working out who's doing what role,

When and where,

Purity and impurity comes into play,

And you kind of get this idea that the year seemed to go pretty well,

Except for that awful beginning.

So I'm going to venture to take a guess here.

And of course,

I could be 100% wrong,

Is that Moshe is still very overwhelmed by what happened and that he murdered his own brethren and living with that,

Living with that for the past year.

And so he's still living with that for the past year of what that was like,

What it's like to take these people out of slavery,

To go through such a violent,

Harmful suffering act,

Even why you try to build and create your new way of being over the past year.

Because what happens here when B'nai Israel complain about this man and then the meat,

Moshe,

As I said,

Is so overwhelmed.

So let's look here,

If we look at page 85.

He passes through the camp and actually sees the people weeping,

They're crying,

Okay,

Maybe causing their own somewhat of their own suffering through maybe coveting.

And sometimes we can really create a fantasy that things were better back then,

The grass was greener on the other side,

As the Batui is saying.

And he's walking through this camp,

The people are weeping and they make it a point to point out every clan apart,

Nobody can be united,

Nobody can see themselves as one here.

They're so caught up in their own reaction and pain that they are separate and we all know that separateness causes more suffering and pain.

So each person at their own tent,

Hashem starts to get very angry and Moshe is distressed and Moshe is distressed.

And the language here is amazing.

If you look at chapter 11,

Pasuch 10,

The verse 10,

It says,

Uveine Moshe ra,

Okay,

In the eyes of Moshe this is evil.

And so the rabbis are,

What is evil here?

Is it evil that the people are weeping outside their tent?

No,

What they think it is,

And it seems like it based on where it comes in the Pasuch right afterwards,

What is evil is that God is getting really angry at this people.

Moshe's had it.

What do you mean you're getting angry at these people that they want meat,

They want their fish from Egypt.

Okay,

So he gets very angry.

And he says he starts to really just kind of lash out at Hashem,

You know,

He says,

Why have you dealt ill with your servants?

What have I done to enjoy,

Not enjoy your favor?

You've laid this burden of this people on me?

Did I conceive this people?

Did I bear them to carry them in their bosom as a nurse and carries an infant to the land as you promised?

He goes on and on.

Right?

Just like there's no mindfulness here.

There's a reaction and acting out.

Okay,

So we have to be mindful of that even in our own behavior that when we get triggered,

When we feel like we're about to react,

Are we going to just vomit up words,

Right?

Are we going to practice wise speech and hold our tongue?

Right,

Practicing that silence,

Which is so key.

And then he says right here,

Where am I going to get all this meat for this people?

That he can't handle this conflict of needs.

The people want meat,

They want their fish,

And Moshe feels way overwhelmed by it.

It's like he,

This is what I mean.

But he's like being triggered like something else is going on.

And not only does he say,

And they whine,

And they come before me,

Give me me I cannot carry all of this people.

So he has removed my people,

But they're my people.

They are now this people.

You can see it in his language,

He's even created more separation,

More distance.

Okay,

This is the same language that Hashem used back of the Golden Calf.

Hashem didn't call them my people,

He kept saying to Moshe,

They're your people or this people,

Not identifying seeing him or herself God self is separate.

Okay,

So he says this,

And he goes on,

If we're looking in chapter 11,

And to pursue 14,

And 15,

The fifth 1415,

Versus,

If you would do this with me,

Kill me,

Rather,

I beg you,

Let me see no more of my wretchedness.

Kill me.

This is really extreme.

This is a red flag,

This should be a red flag for all of us.

Not obviously Moshe is completely overwhelmed.

But there's something else there's this,

This concept of he's not viewing each day a new,

As we do in our mindfulness Buddhist practice,

We try to see a new day,

New people,

New experience,

Not base what we're countering as what's happening in the real moment in front of us.

But rather,

We come to it with all the baggage with all meaning we haven't let go of the baggage.

But we are biased,

We come with all that,

That that's prior,

And we're not able to see our relationship with who's in front of us,

Or even ourselves a new,

To give it that opportunity to experience something new.

Okay,

In this moment,

Because every moment is new,

It's a gift.

It's not that which happened in the past that's gone.

And Moshe is not there,

Obviously,

Right,

Moshe is so caught up,

And everything that he's done with this people,

That he can't even be he can't see this new complaint with compassion,

Can't see it as a new complaint,

First of all,

Sees it as like,

Oh,

This is the same people in the same complaint.

And this whole thing back here,

Everything they've always done.

Well,

They lived a whole year working things out with each other.

Let's give them that benefit of the doubt.

Let's judge them favorably.

Okay,

So Moshe is not able to do that.

We're going to try to judge Moshe favorably,

Also totally overwhelmed,

Wants to die once I should have to kill him.

Okay,

So this is really extreme.

And,

You know,

I'm sure we've all had moments like this in our own life where we're so overwhelmed,

That we just want it to end,

You know,

But really,

What we want is that situation,

Right?

So,

Um,

Let's see here.

What else do I want to share with you?

Um,

So what's also you're going to notice here is just the rabbis,

Our beloved rabbis,

Like Moshe tend to be quite judgmental of the people and their behavior.

Actually,

Even modern day Jews are I run into so many Jews,

So many students of mine who really only have negative things to say about B'nai Israel,

Like they see them as spoiled that all they do is complain.

I don't want that as part of our M that says that was in a Hashem and before the years of Hashem,

That it you know,

And it gets interpreted by the rabbis as if they complain directly and brazenly to God,

Like as if they're not supposed to complain to God.

Here,

We're kind of taught,

We lay everything on God,

God can handle it all right,

God can be with it all,

Um,

That we should turn to God and to do this,

But then the minute that they do it,

They're judged and not favorably.

So let's keep that in mind.

Okay,

So I want to point out that they're basically had again their march from Sinai to the trans-Jordan.

Okay,

This is going to take 40 years,

But all we really get and the bulk of this story is the opening and closing months.

And I want to say that all movement essentially is generated by God,

It leads to the land,

God moves it,

God stops it,

God causes detours,

God advises,

God nourishes,

God causes victory when they have to fight other people.

God provides man,

The manna,

And quail and water.

So we want to keep,

We want to judge God favorably too.

We want to keep in mind that God is really trying to carry these former slaves to slowly build them into a people that can live by a rule of law.

And that it's going to take time,

It's going to take patience and forgiveness and compassion,

And we don't always witness that.

So it's up to us to practice it today.

Um,

What we witness in Israel,

We don't always,

Like everyone thinks that they just complain the whole 40 years.

I want to,

I want you to keep in mind,

These people followed Hashem.

They followed Hashem all 40 years.

That's an amazing amount of Amunah and Betachon,

Faith and trust.

You have to keep that in mind.

They followed,

And yes,

They had unbelief,

And some of them even might you say had a rebellion if we want to use that language,

But that's not the whole picture.

And we should work on complicating it,

Okay?

So what we're going to see here,

If we're going to look at one Musar Midah,

Musar's soul trait,

Is that of Anava,

Okay?

I am non-vav he,

Which comes from le'anot,

To answer,

But it's in Musar,

It's about taking up the proper amount of space based on who you are,

Not too little,

Not too much.

Um,

It also means making room for others.

So if we have this continuum of balance,

Anava,

Balance and humility in the middle here,

We have God over here,

And arrogance and deen and judgment in lashing out in anger.

It's almost like this choleric energy.

And then you have Moshe completely over on this other end of like low self-worth,

Low self-esteem,

Like judgment,

But not judgment in the sense of judgment with any power and any sense.

It's like it's like self-pity,

There's a demoralization,

He essentially shuts down,

Okay?

And this is what we witnessed.

There's there's not this balance.

And that and then begins to affect the whole community,

All of B'nai Israel.

How do we witness it?

So in reaction to these complaints,

God essentially says,

Okay,

We're going to,

You know,

Call the elders,

We're going to get these elders over here.

And they're going to assign you 70 of the elders who will share in this burden of taking care of you and immediately the the antenna should go up and go,

Wait,

Didn't you intro already advise us and do this,

It was a little bit different model,

Obviously,

It was more about courts,

And those being able to,

You know,

Pass down legal decisions to the people.

And so it's interesting if we talk about this balance of what's natural and supernatural,

And when do they support one another?

And how is it here,

But God's responses gather the 70 elders,

They will be able to help you through this journey and this need.

And,

But if you pay close attention to Moshe's language,

And the cry out at how desperate it is,

If you look what's behind his words,

There seems to be this desire for divine assistance,

Not human,

But he gets human assistance.

Okay,

I mean,

Through God,

He gets it.

Okay.

So what do we want to say here,

So they're going to share power and prophecy,

Even if it's a temporary one.

If we go to if you want to follow along,

We are in chapter 11 still,

And we're kind of moving through verses 19 through 25.

And what I want to say is this really witnessing that God takes their complaints very personally,

As if it's against him or her personally.

And this is a problem in general for any of us in our practice,

That we have to be very careful not to take things personally,

Even if it is,

Because it immediately creates separateness and not able to be in relationship.

And so what I want to share here is,

Let's see here,

It seems like God is trying to prove to Moshe that God is in control.

And even Moshe,

If you notice and look at his language,

He doesn't even believe in that moment,

He's so caught up in his reaction and his delusion,

And his delusion,

That he doesn't even believe God will be capable of providing the meat and fish.

It's very strong,

Very intense cycle of reaction,

And delusion,

Anger,

And they're not able to get out of it.

Could you imagine if this is how God and Moshe are going to behave?

You can?

Do we expect any better from the Israel the people?

If we do,

We're a little bit of denial.

This is like human behavior,

Right?

Ourselves at our worst,

That we can cause ourselves harm and suffering.

So I want to say that Bena'is will end up being caught up in this reaction.

There's a sense of punishment of this quail for 30 days.

And then it moves on to two of the elders,

Or maybe they're separate or not,

The Eildar and Nadar,

Who kind of go off into some prophecy in the camp,

And immediately afterwards you have Miriam and Aharon come and complain about their brother,

Their Ach.

And it's almost as if we didn't have Eil'ab and Nadar beforehand,

Perhaps Miriam and Aharon wouldn't have led into this lashon hara,

This unwise speech that's harmful and hurtful to Moshe.

He is someone who really practices,

He's able to move out of that self-pity and demoralization to almost a balanced humility in relationship with his siblings.

He actually remains silent in response to their being mean to him,

Talking about him,

Suggesting that what's really behind their words is they're complaining about the woman he married.

But what really seems to be going on is they too are trying to claim a bit of this power and prophecy,

This power.

Okay.

And so who knows if you're having like a structural thing going on here,

What we might today look at when we look at,

For instance,

White supremacy or structural racism,

Where we want to see how there are peoples who are denied power and access to institutions.

This is what we might be witnessing even here in less of a racism perspective,

But you definitely have the sense that there are those who were born into certain privilege and power like Aharon and his descendants.

You have the Leviyim who've been set aside,

Who obviously come from Moshe's family,

And you suddenly start having people who are going to begin to question this structure,

Even though from our tradition,

This seems to be or is in the Torah commanded by God,

And therefore you should just accept it.

And this is where the human element comes in.

Are humans going to just accept this power structure,

This set up,

Even if it is commanded by God?

Right?

And that's up for discussion over thousands of years.

So I will just say that the communication here with Moshe,

That he only prays on behalf of Miriam to stop the saharat that God causes,

His punishment,

When Aharon begs and Aharon reminds Moshe in this beautiful language,

Actually,

He reminds him that he is at one with his sister.

He basically,

If I can find it here and share it with you,

I might not be able to,

Let's see here,

Page 97,

Let's see here,

Let's see here,

Okay,

Give me one second.

Okay,

So Aharon essentially says,

Like,

Let you be not like one did,

Right?

When he says here in the pursuit,

We're in chapter 12,

Verse 11,

Right?

He says,

Oh,

My Lord,

He's referring to his brother now,

As Adoni,

Which shows you that he submitted,

He's accepted that that is his power,

That's where he's going to be and what he's going to do.

Oh,

My Lord account not to us the sin in which we committed in our folly,

He's including himself,

He's admitting his sin,

He's including himself with his sister,

Even though it says,

It's in the feminine singular,

And she for the first time in the Torah is listed first before her brother,

As the one who's engaging the speech about her brother.

Okay,

Let her not be one is dead,

Who emerges from his mother's wound,

With half his flesh eaten away.

Okay,

So what this is saying is,

Let you let you this is rash bombs interpretation,

I believe,

Yes,

Let you not be like the one who's dead in this much as we both we all come from the same mother's womb,

Right?

All right,

And that is Moshe himself would be as one dead since he,

His own flesh and his sister Miriam would be consumed.

Our own wants to remind him that they're not separate,

That they are one.

And so if Moshe is going to choose to use his power and privilege to hurt Miriam,

To not pray on her behalf to allow Hashem to continue to punish her,

Then he too,

Will be hurt and consumed.

Beautiful,

Her own here.

And it works.

If you recall,

When her own sons died,

It was Moshe who comes and says something to him not so much with compassion,

Just reminding him that those who serve Hashem,

Well,

Those closest to him will be kind of,

How does it get worded,

Glorify Hashem through their their service.

So I want to close with this and move into our meditation together,

That it's very important that we be aware of this cycle of suffering,

And that it could be stopped.

It could be stopped at any moment.

People calm down,

Take a deep breath,

Recognize what's happening before them,

Accept and allow,

Investigate,

Do nurturing,

Do non-identification,

Like Hashem doesn't have to take it personally,

Right?

Moshe doesn't have to take this personally.

And with that,

We could lower this notch,

This reactionary cycle that's so painful.

So with that,

We're going to move into a guided mindfulness meditation for us to apply this teaching to our own lives,

A practice of mettah,

Of chesed,

Of loving kindness towards ourselves,

Towards others.

As I say,

Every time when we begin to sit together,

Please,

If you have any chronic pain or you're just uncomfortable today and cannot sit,

Just allow yourself to lie down,

But keep your eyes open,

Or if you want to stand,

You're welcome to do so,

Or even do a walking meditation as you listen to me.

So that's what can happen if you need to.

For those of us who are in a position to sit,

For those of us who can sit,

Come to an upright position,

Whatever that means to you,

With dignity created in the image and likeness of God.

So grateful to be here with you.

Allow yourself to begin to settle and arrive with three deep cleansing breaths,

Remembering that oxygen and the breath are gifts,

Right,

Gifts from God for us to be able to continue to be here in relationship,

Taking refuge and community together.

With every inhalation and every exhalation,

Notice your shoulders begin to fall and rest.

Notice yourself sinking into your sit bones,

Planting your feet firmly in the ground held by the earth.

You may close your eyes if you feel safe and ready.

If not,

You are welcome to just lower your gaze.

You can allow your breath now to just settle,

Breathing on your own,

No need to control it or control things.

We begin our loving kindness,

Our chesed,

Our meta with a quote from Walt Whitman.

I am larger than I thought.

I didn't know I held so much goodness.

Let me repeat that.

I am larger than I thought.

I didn't know I held so much goodness.

So much goodness.

This is our Kavanah,

Our intention.

May we keep this in mind of our ancestors in today's war portion and throughout the Torah,

That they held so much goodness that they did,

Despite sinning,

Being off the mark,

Despite complaining,

No need for this sense of judgment and the sense of this kind of punishment of equal to equal.

What you do,

Then you get.

We're moving towards holiness,

Towards this way of wise being on this path to choose compassion,

To choose to judge favorably,

To choose to give the benefit of the doubt.

We begin our practice of loving kindness simply.

Let your body rest and your hearts be soft.

We will direct our chesed,

Our meta,

Our loving kindness to those we love towards ourselves.

Breathing gently,

We will recite inwardly the following phrases of well-being towards ourselves.

May I be less judgmental.

May I judge favorably.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I not react.

May I not take things personally.

May I not see myself as separate.

May I be at ease.

May I be well.

Allow these images and words and feelings to permeate your body and mind.

Asking yourself,

Can I be with this?

How is it for me to direct kindness towards myself?

What is here for you right now in this present moment?

Now we're going to bring up Moshe and all of our elders,

Miryam,

Baharan,

All of our ancestors in the camp and the desert,

Allowing them to enter your heart and hold them.

And gently and kindly say to them,

May you too be filled with loving kindness.

May you be safe from inner and outer dangers and reactions.

May you learn not to react.

May you learn to forgive.

May you judge favorably.

May you not take things so personally.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be at ease.

May you feel my love.

I'm often asked when leading mindfulness meditation if we are allowed to pray for or send loving attention to those who are deceased,

To those who are no longer with us,

Who have transitioned.

And the answer is yes,

Of course.

And that is what we have just done.

That all of our ancestors that I've mentioned have passed but are clearly with us.

And now in our most radical loving kindness,

Our most loving act of tonight,

We're going to see if we can extend this loving kindness,

This metta,

This chesed towards the divine,

Towards God,

Towards Hashem,

Who too is in so need of ease and healing.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you learn to carry us with more wise discernment,

With less judgment,

With compassion.

May you learn to forgive.

May you judge favorably.

May you not take things personally.

May you be safe and well.

May you know our good wishes and prayers and love for you.

Allow yourself to sit in the next few minutes in silence,

Seeing whatever arises for you,

Being kind to yourself,

Being with whatever is that we can carry this.

I will ring the bell when we are to come up with a new song.

That we can carry this.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

I will ring the bell when we are to come out of our meditation together.

Gently and slowly open your eyes when you are ready if they were closed or gently raising your gaze.

I thank you for your practice and sitting and joining me in this teaching and talk and guided meditation together.

Delighted to have you.

We thank you for your donations of Truma and Dana to support this weekly sitting which you will find on our website at kehillatmusar.

Com under offerings and donations.

We also take weekly sponsorships in honor or memory of someone.

And we meet now every Sunday,

B'zvat Hashem at 1230 Eastern Standard Time.

We are delighted to have you and thank you and I look forward to being with you next week.

B'zvat Hashem,

God willing.

Take care of yourselves.