How To Handle Anger #228

Welcome to the Soul Infused Monday show episode 228.

Today's topic is a big topic.

How to handle anger is a huge topic and I'm only going to scratch the surface here today and I want to give a disclaimer that depending on your personal situation,

Depending on your own background,

Conditioning,

Trauma,

Generational conditioning and wounds,

You might need to do more deeper in a work and that's okay.

However,

My intention is to give you some tips and some ways of handling anger in a healthy and conscious way.

When it comes to anger,

There's often,

Especially for spiritual people or also women,

There is a conditioning around anger being something bad.

That anger is bad,

Is not good,

Is not spiritual.

We should be loving and kind all the time.

Now I want to start this show by removing that as a huge block because anger is not necessarily bad.

Anger is an emotion that we experience as human beings the same way than any other emotion and it has value and it has merit and I'm going to give you a few examples.

But I want to start this show with a different approach to look at anger from a different perspective.

Anger is designed also to protect us,

To create enough energy to break through something.

If you are someone that is completely disconnected to the energy of anger,

It will also not be available to you when you actually need it to protect yourself or maybe even to survive.

Anger is an energy.

Now there are ways where you can use anger in a harmful,

Destructive and even intentional way to hurt other people.

That comes with intention and out of wounding and unconsciousness.

But anger itself as an emotion,

As an energy is not necessarily bad,

Good,

It is simply an energy and it has a lot of value if you can be aware of it and you have ways to consciously deal with it.

Also when it comes to anger,

Sometimes it's easy to trigger things because we are very conditioned around it.

So if you notice while you're listening to me or you hear something that you don't agree with or that triggers you that's great,

Welcome it.

And obviously I'm giving you my experience and my approach and you obviously don't have to agree with everything I say.

However,

I do believe that especially in the field of esoteric spirituality,

New age,

Anger has a bad taste that is actually harmful,

That can be harmful to your own health and well-being because often then it's suppressed or it's denied or we fight it,

We judge it and that creates an unhealthy bonding and attachment to it.

Also before I share four tips or four strategies to handle anger,

I want to make a distinction.

There is anger that you're experiencing within yourself where you can handle your own way of handling anger that is coming from you,

Meaning that you feel anger,

That you experience being angry.

And then there is how to handle anger when it comes from other people,

How to handle anger from someone else.

These are two different things to approach and I want to make this distinction.

Today I'm going to focus on how to handle anger within yourself.

How to handle anger when it comes from someone else is a bigger topic,

Another topic if you believe that is valuable for you and you want me to talk about this in a different episode,

Let me know and I will do so.

But today I'm going to focus on how to handle anger within yourself.

And in my experience,

Looking back into my life,

I used to be a total pleaser.

I used to be only nice.

I was so disassociated from anger that I was not even in touch with it.

And a part of me was even proud that I didn't feel anger.

I was very young on my journey.

And I didn't really realize that I had a lot of anger within me,

But I was not able to access it.

And it actually did affect me health wise,

Emotionally and mentally very negatively.

And I struggled a lot with depression.

And in my experience over the last decades that I've been working on myself and with a lot of people who experienced depression,

There is nearly every time not always but most of the time an element of repressed anger.

I sometimes say a depressed person is an angry person,

But an angry person that is not expressing its anger.

Just wanted to share that.

Let me dive into the first thing I would suggest or recommend when handling anger.

And please feel free to ask any questions,

Leave a comment.

If you're listening to this on Insight Timer or Spotify or on any other podcast platform,

And you're not able to leave a comment,

Leave me a review by the end,

Send me a message.

It means always so much to me when I read it.

And thank you for your reviews and comments and messages.

I got so many in the last couple of weeks,

And they really fill up my heart.

If you want to,

And you feel it in your heart to take a few minutes after the show to leave a review,

I super appreciate it.

First thing you want to do when it comes to anger,

Handling anger.

Of course,

You get to be aware that there's anger because often we are so conditioned to be nice and not to experience anger to begin with that sometimes you're not even aware of it.

But let's say you are aware of it.

You feel anger,

Something happened,

You're triggered,

You got hurt,

Something didn't happen the way you wanted it to happen.

And you feel anger.

First thing you want to do in order to handle that well and healthy,

And it leading to something valuable,

You want to accept it.

And it sounds easier said than done.

I can tell nine out of 10 people that I talked to approach or work with when it comes to anger,

The first thing they do is they judge it and try to deny it or try to put a doubt in it.

Now the first thing you want to do is you want to accept the fact that you feel angry.

And you take a deep breath and you tell internally,

It's okay that I feel angry.

It's okay that I feel angry.

I have the right to feel angry.

It's a feeling.

What you do with it is a different story.

And how you proceed with your behavior is also a different story.

But the first thing you want to do is to accept it and remove judgment around it.

It sounds very simple.

It is simple.

But for most people,

This is a very challenging piece.

First,

Accept that you're angry,

That you feel anger.

See it as something as an experience that is normal.

It's a human behavior.

If you're struggling with anger in a severe way,

And you really struggle with it,

Then of course get more help.

However,

The first thing you want to do,

Approach anger with acceptance,

Because there's also value in it.

Imagine this for a moment,

This is coming up,

Imagine you are not in touch with your anger and you judge it.

Now something happens,

You go out in the world and somebody does something to you that is harmful,

For example.

It's abusive.

If you're not in touch with the energy of anger or with the energy of protection in that case,

You might be nice.

And it happens to women,

Not only to women,

Also to young boys and men,

However,

Especially with women,

That a lot of women are so conditioned not to be in touch with their anger,

That in harmful situations,

They are not able in that moment to react protective of themselves because they're still having that program of being nice and pleasing.

It's essential for you to be able to see anger as also a valuable emotion and energy that you want to embrace in the whole spectrum of all the emotions and experiences as a human being while on this planet.

So first accept it,

Say it's okay that I feel this way,

Remove judgment around it.

First thing,

You accept.

Now second,

You want to acknowledge it.

First you accept it,

Second you second you acknowledge it by meaning check in,

Acknowledge that you are feeling a certain way because of something that happened.

There was a trigger,

Something happened that created that emotion,

That created that experience of feeling angry.

And by acknowledging it and looking at it,

It,

You can also start detaching from being identified with it.

You don't pretend it's not there,

But it's an experience.

So you want to acknowledge whatever happened that created this anger in you.

Now the third thing might be more challenging or will take also help or time.

The third thing is express it.

Now when I say express it,

I'm not saying about express it to someone,

Yelling at someone and being unconscious,

Irresponsible and hurtful with your anger.

No,

But what I mean is you got to move the energy.

You want to express it in some way because if you don't express it,

It will be suppressed and it will come out in other ways that are going to be harmful towards yourself and other people.

So accept,

Acknowledge,

Express.

Take a deep breath and give you a few tips on how you can express it when you feel angry and you don't know what to do with it.

Movement is a big one.

You can do either vigorous exercise,

Moving or jumping up a few times,

Dancing,

Something,

But you want to use it consciously to release that energy of anger.

You don't want to bypass it.

You don't want to numb it.

You don't want to pretend it's not there.

Don't deny it.

Don't fight it.

Express it through movement.

Can be exercise,

Can be simple movement,

Can be an impact for something that really helps you shift your energy.

Express it.

Another way of expressing it is to use sound and words.

For example,

Taking a cushion and screaming into a cushion for a moment to express anger is extremely helpful.

Even with someone,

Let's say you are with a person,

It could be your child or partner,

Someone,

A friend,

And you feel you're getting super angry and you don't want to let it out on that person.

Simply saying,

I did this just a couple of days ago.

You go and say,

I feel so angry right now.

I'm going to just go in my room,

Going to scream in a cushion to let it out.

And then I come back.

It's so powerful.

We arrived here in Costa Rica.

And the one thing that was super important to me is that we had good internet connection.

They said it would work.

It took them days to get it fixed.

It was a nightmare.

And one day when I felt like no one was really taking it seriously enough,

I took over.

I called the companies.

I was with the technicians for two hours working on fixing it myself.

At some point,

I felt so angry.

I felt so angry.

And I said to my friend,

Barbara,

I'm going to go into my room,

Going to scream in a cushion,

And then I'll come back.

And she was like,

Okay,

Yeah,

Go.

And because I've done so much work,

And I'm in touch with my anger,

And I don't get triggered that easy anymore,

It took,

It didn't took a long time.

I went in,

I yelled into the cushion because I didn't want to keep that energy inside of me.

I simply wanted to express it.

I didn't feel the urge to need to express it to that person or anyone else.

I wanted to remove or release that angry energy and without judgment,

And that was super helpful.

So if you sometimes feel angry,

And you don't know what to do with it,

And you have that helpless anger,

Go grab a cushion,

Yell,

And let it out.

You want to express it.

Another way to express anger is to share it.

And I'm not saying screaming at someone,

But sharing.

You want to express that you feel angry.

You can say simply,

I just want to express that I feel angry so that you don't swallow it down.

Does this make sense?

Is this helpful?

I want to take a moment here,

Check your comments,

And then I'm going to repeat the few things I said already.

When expressing it,

What helps is movement,

Exercise,

Sound,

Voice,

Screaming,

Or sharing.

There are way more ways to express anger in a healthy way,

But I'm giving you a few tips here today.

Now,

The other thing you want to do besides of accepting of knowledge,

Expressing it,

You want to also dig deeper and do the work,

Especially if it's something reoccurring,

Something that is affecting your life in an unhealthy way.

You want to work with someone on it.

I do this with my clients.

I do this in my group calls and you want to work with someone.

If you resonate with me,

You can do this with me or get a coach,

A healer,

A therapist,

A friend.

A friend is not for the professional help,

But if you have a friend that you know can support you when you feel angry and you don't want to swallow it,

And you feel,

I want to be able to handle my anger better,

Get support and dig deeper and check and find out in a heal the underlying trauma or wounding that is actually either causing you to repress your anger or to overdo the anger.

And often when we are overdoing anger,

Like when we get overly angry,

Because it's the other side of the spectrum,

One side of the spectrum is you are not in touch with your anger or you're suppressing it and it will come out in some ways,

But it's a conditioning,

It's a pattern.

And you don't change that just mentally.

It's not that you think about it and then you suddenly have a healthy way of handling it.

Otherwise you would have done it already.

So you want to do the work.

However,

You are either suppressed or some people are too angry,

So to say,

And they are freak out very easily and then they feel guilty afterwards.

So on both spectrums,

There is wounding,

There's conditioning,

There's patterns in their beliefs that keep this pattern happening.

So you want to do the deeper work,

Check what's underlying so that you can heal that so that you can handle anger in a more healthy,

Conscious and constructive way.

And the one other piece I wanted to share about anger when it comes to using it as a healthy tool,

Anger also sometimes helps when you are in touch with your anger.

It is also because you feel that something is happening to you that is not in alignment with you or it's hurtful.

And therefore you can set boundaries.

Boundaries is a totally different topic that I'm not going to touch upon here because it's too big.

But if you are not in touch with your energy of protection,

Anger,

Survival,

And taking care of yourself,

It's very hard to set boundaries.

And when you don't set healthy boundaries,

It will be unhealthy in different ways.

And often it even shows up in health issues or chronic disease.

Because if you don't set a boundary,

Your body will on some level at some point.

So another way to looking at anger is also to approach it in a healthy and positive way,

Consciously also with a positive intention,

To also help you to stay in alignment,

Balance and healthy because you need that energy.

Otherwise,

If you don't set boundaries,

People can step all over you,

You will let things in that are not good for you.

And maybe along the line,

You can even get sick.

There's so much value when it comes to anger.

If nothing else,

I hope that this show today gives you a new perspective to not seeing anger as something bad,

Not even good necessarily,

But certainly not bad,

Because that's usually where most people are.

And to see it as an energy and as an opportunity to learn and grow and heal the wounds underneath,

Whether for you it's to work on the suppressed anger that is keeping you locked in certain unhealthy patterns,

Or beliefs or emotions.

Or if you are someone that is not or if you are someone that is expressing anger too much on the outside,

And you are hurting other people,

Doesn't matter which spectrum you are,

Or in between,

Because we all get to learn how to handle anger better.

Because if everyone learns how to handle anger better,

Our world will be a different place because there's a lot of angry people,

A lot of hurt people,

Because when you're hurting people through anger is because you have been hurt.

Now it's not your fault that you've been hurt in your childhood or that you have trauma in you.

But now it's your responsibility.

Without shame or without guilt or blame,

But now it's your responsibility.

You cannot excuse it.

Now it's up to you to do the work so that you become the most healthiest,

The most conscious and the most intentional being you can be in this world to make a difference for yourself and also for the world.

I would like you to tune in for a moment and ask the question,

What is the most valuable thing you're getting out of this episode today?

Take a moment,

Take a breath.

What's your biggest takeaway from this show?

And please share it or leave me a review by the end of the call.

So take a moment,

Tune in.

What is the most valuable thing that you got out of this show today?

And please share it with me.

Here's a takeaway,

Such a beautiful message.

There is a value when it comes to anger,

Approaching it with curiosity and as an opportunity to grow and heal feels so healing to come from this approach.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

And this is a great takeaway.

Another takeaway.

There's only one person in my life that triggers anything close to anger,

But I will analyze this more.

I know there's something to learn from this process.

Thank you.

Another takeaway to see anger as a possibility to learn and grow.

Beautiful.

Another takeaway,

Increased awareness of steps of handling anger and how to describe to others as the energy.

Because takeaway is considering anger as an energy that we need to deal with beautiful takeaway.

Another last one,

Let the end negative energy of anger out.

And here's a beautiful one.

There's nothing wrong with me for having anger.

Yeah,

There's nothing wrong with you with having anger,

There would be something wrong with you,

Even though I wouldn't say that this way.

But there would most likely be something wrong with you if you don't experience any anger,

Because that means you're completely disconnected or denying it.

And then it will come out in other ways.

And when we are disconnected to anger completely,

We are also disconnected to other emotions,

Because we cannot just disconnect and put one thing in a box,

It will affect your whole life.

I want to emphasize that I am not advocating to randomly go out and scream and share and let your anger out to hurt people.

I am saying very clearly,

You get to take responsibility for your emotions.

And you get to do the work that's needed.

If anger is an issue in your life.

What I'm saying is that it's healthy and necessary to have anger,

Be there,

Deal with it and not suppress it.

That's what I'm saying.

And that anger as an emotion,

Like an energy that that's not bad.

What the action is that might come out of anger,

That might be hurtful,

That might not be okay.

And that has consequences.

However,

Anger itself,

As an emotion,

As a feeling has value,

Has the right to be there.

And it's a part of our human experience.

It took me nearly 30 years,

I started my journey,

I was end of I was around 26.

And it took me a few years to even look at anger.

It took me 30 years to get to the point and to see first that I was angry,

That it's a good thing.

And it took many more years to do the deeper inner work.

And now I am okay with anger.

And I can protect myself if I need to.

And at the same time,

Especially if you know me,

I am a very loving,

A very generous,

A very kind person.

And at the same time,

I am very good with setting boundaries,

And you don't mess with me.

Right?

Not you in general.

But when women have that more within them,

That they can really embrace the whole spectrum,

There will also be able to share that with the new generations with their daughters,

So that less abuse and less hurtful and harmful things happen because we have a tool inside of us.

Is it going to prevent everything?

No.

But I'm advocating for you to be empowered for you to have access to that energy that will help you to say no when you need to say no.

Thank you for being here today.

I appreciate you taking the time to be here,

Especially because it means you are taking time to work on yourself to expand your mind to feed your mind,

Your body and your soul.

May you have a wonderful rest of your day.

May you have an incredible,

Fantastic soul-infused week.

I'm looking forward to seeing you again and having you again on the Soul-Infused Monday show.

Much love,

Keep breathing,

And embrace anger.

Talk to you soon.