85. Happy, Happier, Happiest: 8 Ways To Expand Our Capacity For Joy

Wake up every single day and ask yourself the question of all the lack that I feel in the world,

Right?

Whatever I'm feeling in this day,

Instead of saying,

Okay,

Where is that and how is it going to feed me,

You actually ask the question,

How can I offer this to somebody,

Anybody?

Please give me the opportunities.

This is how you change your baseline for happiness.

Welcome,

Welcome,

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 85.

You feel so far from me.

I know.

You want to come closer?

Let's hold hands.

No,

It's good.

I don't think you can move anything.

When we started our podcast,

It was during the pandemic and our table was about this big and we were knee to knee because we shared one mic and we were eye to eye and it was the most intimate and vulnerable I think we've ever been and we did that for about 20 weeks,

I think.

Yeah,

And I was the engineer.

I recorded everything.

Yes,

And it was really fun.

It was one episode.

It was really fun that one time you lost the whole one.

Exactly.

And we got to do it all over again the next day.

So I'm going to start with a story today because I know how you like my stories.

I love your stories.

I think it's one that you might recognize.

So it's about a girl who met a boy a few years back and this was the girl she was when they first met.

She was 17.

I'm pretty sure of the story.

And then when they really met,

She was about 22 and she was sad a lot of the time.

Didn't rhyme with harmonica.

You're ruining the story.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So she was kind of had a low level of sadness for most of her life and then she met a boy who made her laugh all the time.

And his laughter and his happiness was kind of contagious and she learned that she could to also be happy and change her baseline for happiness.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

I think,

Yes,

I think it's you,

Monica.

That is right.

So we are excited to talk about set points and baselines today.

So almost in every area of everybody's life,

We have a tendency to maintain a consistent level and it can be on happiness.

It could be about relationships,

Weight,

Health,

The amount we work,

The amount of satisfaction that we derive from our work.

And we tend to go towards homeostasis which is the Greek word for same and steady.

Homeostasis refers to any process that living things use to actively maintain fairly stable conditions necessary for survival.

So our bodies,

For instance,

Are constantly working to keep that homeostasis and maintain it,

Whether it's blood glucose levels or blood pressure or our body temperatures.

And just as we do this internally on a biological level,

We also do this in our psyche in many different ways throughout our lives.

So basically these psychological levels are known as set points or base points.

And we're going to break it way down.

I want to start with this research by Dr.

Ed Diner who wrote The Pursuit of Happiness.

And he said that individual happiness set points can be positive,

Negative or neutral.

And I know that we know many people and we can say,

Yeah,

That one's positive mostly,

That one's negative,

That one's neutral.

And it's the place that you kind of live most of the time.

75% of people he studied reported that they had a neutral set point.

We all have multiple set points.

So happiness is composed of different factors that contribute to our well-being.

And these factors sometimes move in different directions.

So for example,

We can have both positive and negative emotions in life.

And at the same time have satisfaction on the rise.

And I thought this was really interesting because I didn't expect this.

He found that despite declining health or lost of a loved one,

People in their 70s are happier than people in their 30s.

Isn't that surprising?

And this is why.

So another person did this research at Stanford University and she said that older people put more emphasis on finding emotional meaning and satisfaction in the present rather than expending resources on doing things for their future.

And I think that's something that naturally happens as we get older if you're kind of paying attention to your life and how you're living and what you want to do.

And the third one is it matters where you live.

So they also found that in different nations in the world,

It did affect how happy people were,

How unhappy they were.

They found that in nations where there was higher than average wealth and support of human rights were stronger predictors of well-being for its residents.

And they found that in most countries,

People are their unhappiest.

What age would you guess?

Unhappiest teens?

No,

I mean,

Maybe today,

But this is done a little while ago in their 40s and early 50s,

Which I thought was really interesting,

Too.

And I do have a I have a hypothesis for that.

I think that that's a time where there is a very specific transition between,

For instance,

Women's women stop being in that age of being able to give birth.

Women sometimes and women have a midlife crisis.

It's kind of like there's big changes happening where sometimes I think we feel we have less options.

But that's just my spin on it.

But yes,

That's what they found.

The global average for unhappiness bottomed out at 46 and then it picked up again.

So I want to ask you where we are the we I guess our age,

Right,

Is at the unhappiest stage according to the statistics.

Do you think there is a truth to this and why?

Well,

I'm sure it's true in the world out there that people I think,

Like you said,

What happens is when people are getting older,

At least there's a narrowing of possibilities.

Whereas when you're in your teens or 20s,

You think anything is possible.

And even if things aren't working out right now,

You know,

It can work out tomorrow.

And there's a blue sky.

And then unfortunately,

Sometimes maybe the problems of life,

Whether it's relationships or children or work,

Started becoming heavier.

And the possibilities of making them better seem,

I think to many people,

To be diminishing.

I think that's one of the reasons why there's so much unhappiness maybe in this age group.

In reality,

Though,

Unfortunately,

The reality of the world is most people are not as happy as they should be.

That I think can be said for sure.

Even more than that,

I think many people are too often unhappy with their lives.

And that's why I have to say that this topic for me is,

As I was thinking about it,

Preparing for it,

Is so exciting because if you ask the person,

I think if you ask everybody here in our audience,

Our listeners,

Do you believe that you can change?

Because that's really the question.

Whether you can change your level of happiness,

Whether you can change really anything about your personality,

I think hopefully many people will say yes.

I'm not sure many people would say yes.

They can change the circumstances.

I think they would hope.

I think that's why people spend a lot of money in the therapist's couch and different ways,

Help change me to make me happy.

That means that people think they can change.

Why do people get trainers?

People hope they can change.

The reason people do any of those self-help,

Wellness areas of their lives is because they believe they can change.

Science says something very scary,

But if you understand it on a spiritual level,

It's actually inspiring.

But the basic message of the set point is that,

According to science,

Really almost no matter what you do to be happier,

No matter what you do to lose weight,

No matter what you do to make your relationship better,

It's almost always going to go back to the set point,

Which again can be a very depressing thought.

Hopefully tonight we will inspire our listeners with ways around that idea or maybe more importantly how to use that for your benefit.

But I think if a person goes through life without this understanding,

Then he or she might underestimate the type of investment,

Time and effort that must be invested into anything we want to change.

And we were having a conversation last night with somebody who's also in this sort of the spiritual space.

A lot of people,

I would say most of the people in the world want to make their lives better.

But what is underestimated is how much work and investment that actually takes.

You can go to a lecture,

You can go to a therapist,

And you could be feeling that you're changing when in reality you will almost always go back to close,

If not completely,

To your lower set point of happiness,

Of fulfillment.

And what we want to be able to share is how you can break that cycle,

How you can get out of your set point.

And it's completely possible and doable.

So one more question for you before we move on.

I have a question for you.

Also go ask me a question.

So when you look back on your life,

What would you say was the most happiest that you've been or the most happiest period of your life?

It's never.

.

.

I mean,

I'm hoping that the happiest times are yet to come.

But if I look back,

It's those nuances,

The novelty of something new that's happened that I had never experienced before.

And even the things that might have been difficult or challenging,

It's the understanding or the awakening of getting to the other side of it that's really been inspiring for me.

And when you feel inspired and you feel that you're curious and you're seeking and you're looking for new ways to see yourself and your world and your life,

For me,

Those are the most fulfilling moments.

And so I think our commitment to live the life that we are choosing to live feeds into this idea that it's never just about.

.

.

I mean,

I can talk about like happy memories,

Sure.

But true inner happiness at my core that's been consistent that carries me through life are those moments where I had a further understanding of myself,

A deeper connection to the creator,

A greater sense of purpose.

And in those moments,

I feel are the.

.

.

And by the way,

When you see life like that,

Then you have many happy.

.

.

That is actually the secret of changing your set point.

But we're gonna give tools.

But I think that at the core,

It's being able to see your life in that way and then you can experience life in that way.

So you're saying that the time does not so much situations,

But the awakening that it created within you to change right through challenge or otherwise.

That's interesting.

Yeah,

To activate joy.

The beautiful thing about that is that it enables us to look at our lives with many greater opportunities for happiness as opposed to saying it's a specific.

.

.

It's never a destination then.

Exactly.

Or even a specific occurrence.

I have to get that promotion or I have to get this position and so on and so forth,

Or I have to get this relationship.

Because the danger of that is something called destination addiction.

I'll be happy when?

Or if I can just relive or recreate that experience that I had that I felt so happy.

And that's really where people get so stuck because in their 30s,

They're like,

Oh,

I wish I could go back to my teenage years.

And in their teenage years,

They wanna grow up really quickly.

When they're 50,

They're like,

Oh,

I wish I could have been 30.

That was the best time of my life.

And then you're never really in the present and you're never looking forward to the future.

So it's this cycle that just breeds more and more unhappiness.

And that's a sure way to keep your set point where it's at.

So I think,

Yeah,

I think it's really living fully and not just that,

Understanding and seeking purpose and meaning in every single situation.

Because everything is road mapped to where you ultimately want to arrive to.

And it's not a destination,

It's more of a being and a knowing.

Yeah.

And a little bit off topic,

But you said something which I think is very important,

Which is the fact that you believe,

You hope,

You believe that your happiest days are yet to come.

Which I think,

Again,

Is the way a person wants to get to a place where he or she lives their lives.

Which is not saying that I'm not happy.

Of course,

Of course.

It's just that it's raising that.

You're happy now and even greater.

Right.

For sure.

So it reminds me,

I think it's a Simpsons quote where the kids are complaining to their dad.

Did you watch The Simpsons?

No,

I did not.

But somebody quoted this to me and I was very impressed by this writing.

Because I didn't think that was like their shot.

No,

No,

No.

But I love this line where the kids are complaining to their dad and they say,

This is the worst day of our lives.

So just wait.

And then he says,

So far.

All right,

Simpson.

So let's so we're talking about set points and baseline.

Let's focus on changing your set point in terms of happiness.

Right.

Because we can do it with relationships,

We can do it with weight.

But let's just start here with happiness.

So we all have a set point with happiness and it's called something called the hedonic treadmill.

It's defined as the observed tendency for humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events.

So it doesn't matter if a person wins the lottery.

And this was a study that they did.

Or the people became paralyzed,

Either quadriplegic or paraplegic.

They found that even in those two examples and those two situations based on case studies that of course initially a person winning the lottery was ecstatic and somebody who had a horrible accident like that was devastated and depressed.

But then eventually what happened is they came to where their set point was.

And if a person even who became paralyzed had a higher set point than somebody who won the lottery,

They actually were happy over time.

Really,

Really fascinating and really inspiring because it shows us what we're capable of.

Well,

Right,

Right.

So there's positive and negative to that,

Right?

The positive is that even a person in a tremendously negative situation knows that they most likely naturally at some point go back to their higher set point of joy.

But the negative of course is the fact that somebody who is experiencing higher levels of joy than usual should be aware that he or she will most likely fall back down to whatever their set point is.

And I think,

Again,

What we want to share is how do you change that,

Right?

How do you change that?

And we are going to tell you.

So in the original theory of the hedonic treadmill,

They concluded that people immediately react to good and bad events but in short time return to neutrality.

They incorrectly concluded that any effort to increase happiness is pointless.

So this is in 1971 and since then they've discovered that you can actually change your set point.

So it's important to know that your happiness will return to its baseline unless you're aware and actively work toward elevating it.

So Sonia,

Her last name.

Yeah,

Her last name.

Lumbariski.

Yes,

I believe something like that.

So she found three components that make up our happiness baseline.

So the first are inherent and possibly genetic set point.

This is our natural predisposition for happiness.

Some of us have a higher set point,

Some of us have a lower.

Like I said,

When we met and you still do,

But I'm kind of catching up,

Higher set point than I had,

Right?

Naturally.

So that makes up for 50% of our experience of happiness.

50%,

Big number,

Yes.

The next 10% is made up of external circumstances.

How much money you have,

If you like your job,

How you feel about your life,

Your possessions,

Your status,

The physical world basically.

That's 10%.

The magic lies in the other 40%,

Known as voluntary activities.

It's where we can raise our over happiness baseline by changing our thoughts and changing our actions,

We can change our overall experience of life.

So 40% is within our control to change how happy we are,

How we experience our lives,

Which is a huge number.

The only caveat is that that necessitates true investment of effort and time.

Which will lead us to the next point in order to change that 40%,

You need to become a being that is more focused on sharing,

On kindness,

On caring,

On giving than receiving,

Which is the point of the wisdom of Kabbalah and why we do what we do.

Because if you're not in that realm,

If you don't wake up every single day and ask yourself the question of all the lack that I feel in the world,

Right?

Whatever I'm feeling in this day,

Instead of saying,

Okay,

Where is that and how is it going to feed me,

You actually ask the question,

How can I offer this to somebody,

Anybody?

Please give me the opportunities.

This is how you change your baseline for happiness.

Interesting,

Right?

So I mean,

That's a very spiritual idea,

But one which is also proven in practice,

Right?

The fact that the only way to transform our baseline or elevate it,

Hopefully,

Is by doing actions that go out of ourselves,

Which again,

I think is counterintuitive.

The good news is science backs this up.

And what we're saying is to any person who is not yet at the highest level of their happiness,

And none of us are there yet,

One of the things that we must do is actively pursue going outside of ourselves.

And we mentioned this before,

Right?

The unfortunate reality is even people who are involved in spiritual study,

Pursuit,

It often becomes about them.

And that can never be a path towards the ultimate state of happiness,

The ultimate changing of our baseline of happiness.

Let's break that down for a second because I think that people get really confused at this one spot.

I mean,

I often say instead of self-care,

It's really self-interest,

Right?

It's about being able to see yourself day to day,

Giving yourself honest feedback about what you might want to change.

It can't just be about how can I feel zen or feel good,

Right?

It has to be more about how can I activate and create and influence change and happiness in the world and thereby receive it for myself.

Because,

And this is I think maybe the most important concept to take away,

That is an impossible journey.

The first one,

Which is if I meditate enough,

If I have enough wisdom,

I will be.

.

.

If I remove myself from the stresses of the world,

Right,

And I just isolate myself.

Right.

So if I had all the physical things that I'm hoping for,

The great relationships that I'm hoping for,

That is a path to baseline.

And the only way to break away from that is what I would call the spiritual work.

One of the parts of it is,

As you mentioned,

Is the fact that one cannot achieve fulfillment or at least the ultimate state or the breaking away from the baseline unless they are pursuing outside of themselves,

Sharing outside of themselves.

And there's a Kabbalistic concept,

You know,

And there's a verse from King Solomon.

He said,

There is nothing new under the sun.

And what the Kabbalists take that to mean is exactly this point,

Because this might be the greatest human fallacy,

That I am unhappy now because I'm having this issue.

I am unhappy now because I'm lacking this relationship.

So we can make up a list,

Most people can,

Certainly those who are not feeling the ultimate state of fulfillment or happiness,

These are the reasons and we can point to them.

Again,

Physical,

Even spiritual,

I'm not meditating enough,

I'm not.

.

.

That entire list,

Even if you achieved every single one of those,

Will not bring you to greater happiness.

I think that that's the point.

How is that connected to there's nothing new under the sun?

Because the sun represents everything of this world.

And the pursuit of that,

Which again,

Probably the greatest fallacy of human wanting is that the reason that I can point to the reasons why I'm unhappy.

Well,

No,

Actually.

The reason that you will always go back to that baseline is because the only way to break through is what I would call the spiritual pursuit,

But the true spiritual pursuit in the terms that you said,

Going outside of myself in ways of sharing.

And when you really,

Really accept that,

Then begins the work.

That's so interesting.

The way I hear it when you say there's nothing new under the sun,

Or King Solomon said,

Is that it's our responsibility to discover it.

It's all about our,

As you said,

Pursuit,

Right?

What are you seeking?

What are you going after?

What are you finding?

Because there is nothing new,

Right?

You're only going to,

You can have the same routine every day.

You can see life as you know it.

And if you're not searching and you're not curious,

And you're not trying to pick up the rock and finding something new and different,

You're not going to be happy,

Right?

I mean,

I think that's part of,

It's almost like a secret message of what you should be doing.

Right.

But searching in the right places,

Which I think again,

Because the reality is that most of us are searching for happiness in places that can't bring it to us.

And that's the whole,

I think the secret of,

Because the question we always have to ask ourselves is why is the hedonic treadmill the natural state of human existence?

Because the understanding must be that nothing of that list that one could make up right now,

Everyone of our listeners,

I'm sure if we ask them,

Well,

How happy are you on a scale of one to 10?

Six.

How do you get to eight?

Well,

If I had this,

This,

This,

And that.

Well,

I hope somebody asks that question.

It's a good one.

Yeah.

But the point is that,

That that is the wrong answer.

And until we understand that,

That,

That there is nothing that I can take,

That I can receive that will break through my baseline of happiness and bring me higher to an eight or a nine,

Then unfortunately I can take as many spiritual classes.

I could do as much meditation as possible.

I will not break that baseline.

I also find people who have a spiritual practice or discipline and often they get stuck in a routine without even realizing it.

A big part of being happy is being able to create new neural pathways in your brain.

And that only happens from seeking change.

You change the wiring of your brain when you seek out different things.

So if you wake up every day at the same time and you do the same exact thing,

Even if it's spiritual,

Chances are you're not going to be that happy.

Absolutely.

And so I think it's important to talk about some of the tools.

And I know that you wanted to share some of them because,

But again,

I want to underline this point because I have seen throughout the years,

So many people who are even spiritual seekers who make this mistake of thinking,

I can still believe that the pursuit of that list and each one of us has a different list.

That is what's going to bring me fulfillment and happiness.

You have to break that false belief before you can even begin to break the baseline and really achieve a constant state of ever growing happiness fulfillment.

And that's definitely possible.

That's definitely why we're in this world.

But most of us are not pursuing it in the right way.

As a matter of fact,

We're pursuing it in the wrong way.

Maybe not pursuing it at all.

We think we are,

But it's kind of walking in place.

So Tal Ben-Shahar,

Who I've quoted before,

I really like his writing.

He talks about six tools to amplify your happiness or your level of happiness.

The first is give yourself permission to be human.

I love this because so often we're so hard on ourselves.

We're so unkind to ourselves.

We expect perfectionism.

And then when we don't get there because it's impossible,

Then we kind of stop,

We pause,

And then we're just in this low level again.

And I think that my unhappiness early on was that I was pursuing perfectionism.

It had to be perfect for me to be able to earn love and for me to be able to earn success or just earn the right to eat or exist at that point.

So I think the idea of being human is huge,

That you accept all of your emotions,

Your fear,

Your sadness even,

Your anxiety,

And you don't reject anything.

So the first is just you're a human being having human experiences.

And from that space,

Then there can be – that's the beginning of change.

The second thing you said is simplify your life.

Focus on the things – one thing at a time and reduce multitasking,

Which I think is interesting because I'm a big multitasker.

But if I think about it,

I don't even have time to bake that much anymore.

But there were times where I was baking for a bake sale for the kids or whatever and I'm doing like three or four,

Five different things at the same time,

Baking different things.

And it's not really fun and it's not really pleasurable.

And it's about really being in the moment and allowing yourself to just be simple.

The third is find meaning and pleasure.

Engage goals that you want to achieve instead of what you feel obligated to do.

And many people live their lives with what does this person expect,

What do they want me to be,

How did I show up for them.

And you really have to start with self.

You have to make sure that you're living your life and not somebody else's version of what your life should be.

Four,

Focus on the positive and be grateful.

So each day write something,

Maybe five things down that you're really appreciative of.

I mean we talk about appreciation and people know they should.

But if you don't at a very basic level just appreciate even the idea that you can wake up each morning and have the freedom to choose how you want to spend your day or to be able to walk or to just do whatever you want,

You're not really going to be happy because you're always searching for something and it's never enough.

And I'd like to go a little bit deeper because again one of the ideas that I think,

Because we do talk about being grateful and sometimes that becomes a trope and people don't really do it,

Right?

So there's this idea,

Again also scientifically backed,

That one of the ways to awaken appreciation for the gifts that we do have in our lives is the concept of surprise.

And I was really interested as I was preparing for the podcast reading about this is that one of the things that really makes one of the many,

Many reasons why I enjoy our relationship so much is because you're always surprising me in different ways.

I surprise myself too by the way.

Yes,

That's why you're happy.

But the point is,

So when we talk about appreciation it's scientifically proven that people who take one day,

An hour,

A week to write down the blessings that they have in their lives,

They are happier people.

Proven.

Now let's talk about surprise.

So there's a study that asks people to select an activity because what happens,

What about the things that you are necessarily happy,

That you have to do,

Right?

Some people are in a relationship,

They don't necessarily find the happiness there.

Even though more often than not there is great happiness to be excavated from there or their work,

They've been doing the same thing for 20 years and maybe now there's a great challenge.

So not only is their baseline not being met,

They're actually below the baseline.

So I found this,

Again as I said,

I'm really far listeners,

I really hope this begins a new activity of pursuing surprise and that to the ultimate purpose is that that will actually bring a greater level of fulfillment done consistently.

So the study asked people to select an activity that they disliked.

The examples they gave here is vacuuming or commuting or watching American Idol,

Which I've never watched but those were the three things.

And then instructed them to pay heed to three novel or unfamiliar qualities of the activity while they were engaging in it,

Which is very interesting because the things that we do that we don't like to do.

Why is anybody watching American Idol if they don't like it?

No,

The point,

This was the study.

The study takes three activities people didn't want to do,

Whether it was commuting,

Whether it was vacuuming,

Whether it was watching American Idol.

Why would anybody watch that though?

That's a choice that they could make.

No,

No,

No.

This is part of the study.

They said,

Do these three things.

Oh,

They didn't enjoy it.

Okay.

Let's see what happens if while doing them,

Your task is to find three things that are new that you didn't notice before,

Right?

Which again,

Let's think about this in terms of relationships.

Certainly those of us who have been in relationship for a while,

Usually,

And this is the danger of the natural reality,

Which is called the hedonic treadmill,

Is that it is natural that after one year,

Five years,

10 years,

25 years,

Almost,

You know,

As in our case,

It is the natural state of things that your appreciation will decrease.

And also you don't notice the three things in that action.

You're not even trying to notice.

No,

You're not even looking.

So if you ask somebody who's been married 15 years,

Tell me three things new about your spouse that you learned this day,

This week.

My guess is most people will not be able to,

I know them.

I know them really well.

You're in the hot seat.

What three things did you learn about me this week?

This week.

So,

So.

I gave you a lot of content this week,

By the way.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

You did exactly.

I'm not sure how much of it we can share.

No,

None of it.

Okay.

Let me think about something that I can share.

Something new.

Something new is that sometimes,

Even though you are usually very decisive,

You can often be very indecisive.

And then when you're indecisive about something important,

You are indecisive about many other things that are related to that.

True.

There you go.

Yes.

And I can't,

By the way,

I could give you a lot of notes.

Nobody understood anything you just said,

But I love you and I love that you were paying attention.

So back to the study,

Right?

So the study took a group of people and asked them to do things that they don't enjoy doing,

Right?

And while doing them,

Though,

Just pay attention,

Not to things that they enjoy,

But things that are new about it.

Okay.

And then.

.

.

Did they give an example for the vacuuming?

Yes,

They did.

They did.

I'd be fascinated when somebody discovered.

.

.

Here you go.

Here you go.

The hum of the vacuum cleaner brings me back to second grade.

No,

That's really good.

That was one person's observation.

Or I never noticed how short Ryan Seacrest is.

Another observation.

Oh,

You're butchering American Idol.

I don't watch it.

Those who enjoy it enjoy it.

But the point is,

Those asked to hunt for novelty ended up liking the activity more and more likely to repeat it on their own.

And if you think about that.

.

.

I love that.

That's amazing,

Right?

So what it means is that you can take a human being,

Most of us,

And.

.

.

What was the third one?

Traffic?

Traffic,

Yeah.

What was the interesting thing?

No,

That's in the study.

Research,

Content.

Yes,

Yes.

So.

.

.

No,

I wanted to be inspired.

I was like,

Great.

I'm gonna.

.

.

Well,

Listen,

I think.

.

.

When I'm driving in New York City,

I'm like.

.

.

Yes,

But this is the point.

While you're driving in New York City,

Notice something new,

Either about the street that you're on or the driving.

.

.

I do do that,

Though.

I'm like,

Oh,

That's a really cool whatever I never noticed before.

I'm gonna go there.

There you go.

But again,

I think this is so important for our listeners to understand.

And let's talk about the more important,

Right?

Obviously,

Watching American Idol is not that important.

Vacuuming might or might not be.

Relationships are.

Work is.

And how many times do I have conversations with people who are going through a challenge in their work?

And if you ask them in that moment,

How happy are you at work?

100% not.

But if you tell that same person,

Well,

Notice three new things about work,

Five new things,

One thing new every day,

What will happen,

That surprise will actually lead to happiness,

Which I think is so amazing.

So as part.

.

.

As you mentioned appreciation,

I think I would go deeper in one of the tools to really gain further appreciation.

And I would say to any one of our listeners,

What is the area in your life,

Whether it's the five-year relationship you're in,

The 20 years of the same job that you're in,

That is not bringing you that much fulfillment?

Science tells us not just appreciation,

Which sometimes is hard to come by when you go into the challenges in those areas,

Just start finding new things,

Finding surprising things.

So it's not so much what you do,

But it's how you think about what you do that changes your experience of your life.

So if you're vacuuming and you're like,

Oh my God,

This is so tedious and I don't want to do this and this and that,

You're never going to find joy in that versus looking for something new and it has to be done.

You've decided to do it.

So how can you make that something that's gonna help you?

And to the point,

I think too often in life,

A person is in a relationship that can be a great relationship.

And the overwhelming thought is,

You know,

Same old,

Same old.

Or is it not what I thought I'd be in?

And you compare it to what you thought you should,

What relationship you had idolized when you were younger.

Right.

And the reality is that you can create,

You can create,

This is one example,

Through appreciation,

Maybe more importantly,

Through finding the surprise,

You can actually create newness in the relationship.

Well,

That's what's interesting too,

Because even if you have to,

Let's end on the vacuum things,

I guess I think that's really just not something I would enjoy doing every day.

If we think about routine,

There's certain things we have to do.

But even in your routine,

You can switch it up.

And I thought this was really interesting too,

Because an average person has about 12,

000 to 60,

000 thoughts a day.

That's a lot of thoughts.

80% of our thoughts are negative.

95% of our thoughts are repetitive.

Okay,

Just think about that for a second.

That's crazy.

Crazy.

And then we think like,

Oh,

I'm in control.

No,

Don't tell me that you're not.

If you're not paying attention to what you're thinking.

80% negative,

95% repetitive.

So it's so important to be able to change our routine just by changing.

And that's why I was speaking to somebody this week.

And he's really afraid of flying.

And he felt like a failure that to fly,

He needs to take a volume and take a red eye.

And so he stopped doing it all together because he wasn't doing it in the right way.

And I'm just like,

Go so you can wake up with a different view the next day.

So you can see life through a different lens.

That will be enough,

Right?

Because this idea of,

You know,

You wake up at the same time in the same place.

You make your coffee with the same equipment in the same kitchen every day.

You drive the same route to school or to the office.

And your day unfolds according to your routine until you go to bed at night.

And of course it's going to breed unhappiness.

Right.

And related to that,

This is another,

Again,

I would say a tool that is very powerful.

And I know that I use this and I didn't know the scientific reality behind it.

So there was,

Again,

Another study at the University of Virginia.

And the word which I really want all of our listeners to really,

Really take in and hopefully start using,

The word is savoring.

Right.

So because to my mind,

Appreciation is something we speak about all the time.

But,

You know,

Unfortunately the words,

Especially the important ones that we use over and over sometimes lose their meaning.

I think is one we don't often,

We don't speak about enough.

So they induced,

This is at the University of Virginia,

They induced students to feel like they had little time left before graduation compared to another group induced to feel like they had more time left before graduation.

So different types of tricks,

Different types of psychological tricks.

There are two groups.

One of them thought that they had a long time before graduation and some of them thought that they had a short time before graduation.

Those students that thought,

Came to believe that they had less time before graduation,

They reported taking more photos,

Making more plans with friends,

And throwing themselves into college-related activities.

Because there was a less,

In their mind at least,

Less time.

Therefore they have to savor whatever was left at that time.

The sense of urgency.

Right.

Or at least limited time.

And I think we don't savor enough.

Again,

You use the example,

Again,

I don't drink coffee every morning,

You drink coffee every morning.

What was the last time that you really took,

That stopped even for five seconds?

Actually,

You do this every day.

Babe,

I do it every single morning.

Are you kidding me?

For the first sip,

I'm just like,

Oh my god.

Right,

Right.

Every day.

I think unfortunately,

Most of us,

And the reason this is so important is because this elevates the base of our happiness.

I travel with my coffee,

You know that.

Because,

Right,

But because most of us don't savor.

So there's an example that I give which to me was life-changing.

A number of years ago we were here in Los Angeles,

We lived a few blocks away from here,

And I was coming on a Friday night towards the center.

And our older daughter,

At the time she was six or seven years old,

Maybe younger,

I was holding her hand and we were walking for a few blocks,

And she was singing a song.

And my mind was in thought about important things,

Quote unquote.

And a few blocks into the walk,

I said to myself,

Stop.

She's at this age literally for a second,

For a day.

And then she's going to grow up,

And then she's going to stop singing to her and enjoy.

She still sings.

She does still sing,

Yes.

But not as freely while I'm holding her hand,

Walking in the street.

Savor this moment.

And literally the last three blocks,

So five minutes,

However long that took us,

I was savoring that,

And I can tell you how much joy that brought me.

So what I say to our listeners is that when you talk about appreciation,

One of the biggest mistakes that we make is we do not savor.

Savor does not mean,

Oh,

I just got this amazing promotion.

I'll enjoy it for a minute.

No,

It's the small things.

Find what to savor about your relationship with your children,

With your spouse,

In your work for the purpose of,

And this is maybe the most important idea.

If you savor,

If you are grateful,

You will find,

But consistently,

This only works,

None of this works if you hear a podcast inspired to do it for a day,

Even for a week.

It has to become your new way of living and experiencing life.

So again,

How many of us go out to a restaurant and enjoy a meal,

But don't savor it enough?

Savoring is limitless.

And most importantly,

If and when it's done consistently in as many areas of our lives,

Then we are able to raise our set point and find out and find over time,

If we do this consistently,

That our set point is higher,

That we actually are happier,

Even though nothing has changed.

And this is the beauty of savoring,

Of appreciation,

Of surprise.

Nothing has to change.

Nothing has to change.

But your view of it,

Your savoring of it,

Your finding the surprise in it,

Your appreciation of it,

That changes everything.

And also,

Don't you find that some people,

Their appetites can never be satiated,

Right?

But that's the remedy.

If you stop and you savor each and every moment,

You actually feel fulfilled,

You feel satisfied,

And you feel happy.

And again,

I'm hoping that our listeners take this in because I can tell you from constant practice this really changes everything.

Because you started in the beginning,

You mentioned the fact that we are all in pursuit.

And what science tells us,

The hedonic treadmill tells us that no pursuit of new things is actually going to change the set point.

So what will change?

Well,

These,

The tools you gave,

Appreciation.

I didn't finish my list because I'm interrupted.

Oh,

I will.

Sorry,

Sorry.

Surprise,

Savoring.

I just,

I wanted not to gloss over them too quickly because they are literally life-changing.

As a matter of fact,

They are amongst the few things that actually can change your life.

And they're not that difficult to do.

It just takes consistency.

Consistency.

I think that's unfortunately human nature goes back to a set point.

And that set point devalues or at least does not put enough focus on appreciation,

On surprise,

On savoring.

So it will take a lot of effort and focus to do this.

But if you realize that focusing on surprise,

On savoring,

On appreciation,

Going outside of yourself,

That is the pursuit that actually makes you happier.

The,

Again,

The new job,

The new relationship,

Again,

They can be in addition to that,

But they are not what is going to elevate or break your set point.

There's a set point in relationships,

Right?

You can have a couple,

One set point of happiness is higher than the other and they both agree to change and put energy in the relationship and they expect to be equal.

It's important to understand where you're at.

I mean,

Even with weight,

Right?

That can be changed by diet,

Exercise.

So you don't have to accept the set point you're at.

You just have to learn ways to activate it and to raise it.

Again,

The only thing I would add to that is that don't take this too lightly because this type of real change will only happen with consistent investment and work.

I think part of it is also choosing the right environment.

I think that if I hadn't met you and I hadn't seen you as a model for that,

Right?

We laughed and we still do.

I didn't understand.

I didn't taste what that was until we met,

Right?

So I think it's really important to choose your environment,

To choose who you spend time with,

To choose who you avoid if they bring you down because it affects you not just in the moment.

It actually makes you stay in that space if that is the one that you continually visit.

Absolutely.

Do you want to… Yes,

Back to my list.

Number five.

Number five.

Increase the effort you put into your relationships,

Which we touched upon.

And I would say use some of the tools that we spoke about as the way to invest newness.

And not just romantic.

I mean,

Talk to your children.

Listen to them.

Every person that's important to you.

Even friends.

I mean,

I can tell you,

And we actually speak about this a lot.

All of us,

Most of us,

Have friends.

But the amount of fulfillment that we get out of those friendships can vary greatly either at a baseline or more.

And one of the things I know that we pursue with friendships,

Not just,

As I said,

In our relationship,

In our work,

Newness,

Surprise,

Savoring,

You will see.

I cannot express this enough.

You will see a dramatic change if you do it consistently in all areas of your life.

And do new things with friends.

You don't have to change your friends necessarily,

But change it up.

Absolutely.

And the sixth one is be mindful of mind-body connection.

And you know I'm big on this.

Through exercise and the practice of meditation and yoga and breathing techniques,

I mean,

Research shows that changes are levels of happiness.

It removes depression.

And I can't tell you how much clarity I've had on issues just after a workout.

That's one thing that surprised me about you.

This doesn't happen to me.

I know.

If anything's going on in life,

You go to exercise,

You come back,

And suddenly you have clarity.

I came back and I was like,

Boom,

Boom,

Boom.

And this is what I just realized.

Exactly.

It doesn't happen to me.

I mean,

I enjoy exercising,

But it doesn't necessarily solve all my problems.

Well,

I think prayer does that for you.

Yes.

And study.

All righty.

I want to end with one more.

What's not an end?

Because you are all participating this evening.

But I thought this was really interesting.

I think that we often get stuck in a rut.

And we believe that this is our life and we can't change our set point.

And I hope,

Again,

At this point,

You guys all realize that you can.

But we start to find ways to make life a little bit more tolerable for many.

And some use medication or overshopping or overspending or different ways to make us feel good in the moment so we don't actually have to do this more consistent work that makes it harder.

But actually,

Once you start it,

Like anything,

It becomes very clear that it's the way.

So I loved this study.

And by the way,

Just a fact,

In 2020,

They found that the sales of alcohol in the United States jumped to how much do you think percentage wise?

257%.

You read my paper.

I did.

I did it.

243%.

Oh,

It was close.

That's really a big number.

I was 10 points off.

2020.

You didn't read my paper,

By the way.

I'm impressed.

Yeah.

So now,

In 1981,

Psychologists did a study on addiction using a group of rats,

Those rats.

And they separated them into two different groups.

Can you imagine it was the same rats in all these studies?

Well,

These rats at least got to get high.

I mean,

It's not for a rat's life.

It could be worse.

Yeah,

I would say it could be worse,

Which is interesting if you think about souls and reincarnation.

We're not going to go there.

But they were stoners as rats.

Let's see.

So the first group was housed in a 200 square foot road in paradise called a rat park.

I mean,

It had everything,

Everything you'd want.

They could raise their pups,

They had mating,

Mingling.

It was like a colony of like rats that accommodated every need that they had.

Then there was the second group that lived in basically squalor.

I think a regular rat's life.

A regular,

Right.

Isolated,

Cramped.

So the other one was like a leave it for beaver colony.

And then the second group was,

Yeah,

A rat's life.

Both groups were offered a choice of plain water and sugar water laced with morphine.

So the traditionally caged animals became instant addicts,

Which I think is interesting.

But the residents of the rat park tended to just like Nancy Reagan,

They just said no.

And they avoided the drug treated sugar water altogether.

They didn't even touch it.

And what proved staggering,

And I thought this was really the most important interesting part is that in a study,

When the addicted rats would visit the rat park,

They wouldn't touch the morphine laced water either.

Even though they were addicted to it.

They would just avoid it altogether.

So the study gives insight to how sometimes we dull our pain when we lack fulfillment with mood altering substances.

But for our perspective and how this works for us is that instead of indulging in that kind of behavior,

Shopping too much,

Drinking too much,

Maybe even gossiping too much,

Whatever it is,

There's another way.

Understanding having that awareness that you can change your baseline.

We're not,

Then we have free will.

Then we have freedom.

Then we have choices.

And we're not going to engage in behaviors that we know aren't good for us because we're choosing something else and we put our energy to something else.

And I think that that was really interesting that even the addicted rats,

When they went into rat park,

They didn't touch the stuff because they had a different reality.

And it's up to us to create the reality,

To choose the right environment and the right people to be around and the right thoughts to think,

Right?

If we know 80% of our thoughts are negative and 95% of repetitive,

Then how much time do we stop and say,

Wait a second,

Who is driving this life?

Absolutely.

I was a little distracted.

And just the song that came into my mind is,

It's a rat's life.

You know?

Is that a song?

No,

It's not.

It's just different words,

Right?

It's a hard life.

No,

That's a song.

Sing it.

It's a rat's life.

That's all I can sing.

Sing it,

It's a hard life.

I don't know the words.

You can't introduce a sound unless you're going to.

.

.

We were in London three weeks ago.

Monica asked me to sing a song and I'm all game to sing a song.

I just didn't know the words for that song.

No,

You knew the words.

I didn't.

If you would leave our listeners with thoughts,

What would you.

.

.

Well,

I think that it's two things.

I think that we avoid.

.

.

Because what are we talking about?

Bottom line is change,

Right?

And I think that we avoid change for many,

Many reasons.

It's hard,

It's scary,

It's the unknown.

And maybe the devil we know is better than the one we don't and so we stay.

And that leads me to the next point is that's why we settle,

Right?

My life's better than my neighbors.

At least I'm not alone.

At least I have a relationship,

But it's not great.

But it could be worse.

I could be all by myself.

So I think it starts with really changing our belief systems,

Changing our thought,

Changing how we think about our life and understanding that living a great life is completely our responsibility to make sure we do so.

Because we know,

Like the example I gave earlier,

Somebody wins the lottery and somebody had a horrible accident.

And you can see people who,

One,

Has no reason to be miserable and they are.

And the other one probably has reason to have grievances with life and what they were dealt and they are happy.

So I would say that in conclusion,

I mean,

I don't want today just to be about words.

Really know that each one of us will get to a place at most likely at the end of our life where we're like,

Wow,

Why didn't I choose happiness?

Why didn't I choose to actually affect the change in my life that I so craved?

And we were with somebody at dinner also last night and I thought it was so interesting.

He said,

You know,

I went to a therapist and I went here and there because I wanted them to change me.

And I only saw changes in my life when I decided and I understood that I need to change myself.

And this is how you do it.

Absolutely.

And I would just add that,

Yes,

The understanding is that we,

Even though science says it for the most part,

Most people always go back to their baseline and they can't really increase that level of happiness.

40 percent.

40 percent that you can.

Of course you can.

Absolutely you can.

Every single one of us can get to a higher base level of happiness.

But and this is the big caveat,

What most of us believe will get us there is not going to get us there.

As a matter of fact,

The pursuit of those things will not get us there.

Not that they're not worthy of pursuit on their own,

But what will get you there is the investment in using some of the tools we spoke of to actually change your baseline of happiness.

Unless you don't need anything else,

Anything new in your life today except to use these tools and find the way to transform your baseline of happiness.

Alrighty folks.

So now we'd like to ask some of our… We want to bring this on to you guys to ask a question.

So please don't be shy.

Does anybody have a question?

Okay yes,

Rachel.

Hi,

My name is Rachel and I'm so excited to be here and I have a question for both of you.

So you also mentioned environment and how,

Sorry,

How can I maintain my happiness when what is negative or draining is family?

Meaning can you explain that a little bit more?

Well the family that you came from and the family you've created.

Sorry,

I know your husband's sitting next to you.

If it's,

Well technically both.

Not my husband,

He's amazing.

No but like the way you grow up and then also in-laws like family that is,

That bringing a lot of moods and criticism and where you feel you have a happy baseline but then it's like it's hurting,

It's like negativity,

It's mood energy.

I don't even know how to really put it in words.

It's like from the environment but you care about them so it's not,

You know,

Like with people I don't want to be around when they bring me down.

That's a different part but it's also family and you care about them.

Well I think that you can,

You know,

You don't want to divorce your family and remove people.

I don't believe in that.

I think,

You know,

You don't want to never speak to your mother or your father again,

Whatever and but I think that we can change our relationships and I think it's up to us to keep creating and elevating every relationship.

So I think far too often people expect or accept that how the relationship was or how it's always been is how it should be forever or will be and that you can actually affect change there but I think it's up to us to really challenge that thought and say okay well,

You know,

And I give this example a lot because I think that relationships,

Especially a parent to a child,

It's the biggest example of a relationship that changes constantly over time.

You know,

When a child comes into the world they rely solely on a parent for their survival,

To be fed,

To be put to sleep and,

You know,

And eventually that changes and it keeps changing over time.

So I think that it starts with really being honest with yourself about what you want and what makes you happy and what doesn't and what you're willing to accept and what not and then you express that and if the person loves you enough and the person wants to be in your life enough,

They'll hear that and then you can.

And sometimes it's about maybe making a little space in order to affect the change but I don't believe in staying in an environment that doesn't feed you,

That isn't healthy,

That brings you down and then affects all of the other relationships that are important to you because then again you will find yourself in a space where you feel stuck and unhappy and you're like okay well what are my options?

You have so many options but it starts with really saying okay this is not something that I want to participate in,

How can we change,

Elevate,

Evolve this?

And before I answer the question I'd like to share a joke,

One of my more favorite jokes.

This guy is sitting with his friend and he really has a long face and his friend asks him what's the problem?

He says,

You know,

Every time I bring a girl home to my father,

My parents,

You know,

My mother hates them.

So what can I do?

He says,

I have an amazing idea,

Find a girl or a woman who is exactly like your mother,

She speaks like her,

She thinks like her,

She looks a little bit like her,

I'm sure it's going to work out.

A few weeks go by and they meet again and again the guy is unhappy,

They're having dinner,

The two friends and the friend said what's going on?

He says,

Why are you still unhappy?

Did you use my advice?

Did you take my advice?

He said yeah.

He says yes and so I found somebody who looks like my mother,

Sounds like my mother,

Thinks like my mother,

I brought her home and your mother didn't like her?

He says,

My mother loved her but my dad hated her.

So okay,

That being said,

That being said,

That being said,

We are all going to have in our lives,

If it's in-laws,

If it's other people who have to,

We want actually one in our lives but they are in ways critical in things that they say.

One of the things that Monica and I often do this is how about,

This is just one way,

Start finding it entertaining.

So every time I go,

You go,

A person goes home to their mother-in-law,

The mother-in-law has something negative to say about the way they're parenting their kids,

For example,

Rather than oh my god,

How could she do this to me again?

This is so upsetting.

No,

Stop and say no.

Actually I'm going to,

Again,

I won't laugh in her face but I'm going to find it funny and I'm going to share it with my spouse and together we're going to laugh about it.

I think we all have ways and it's a lot of what we spoke about today to change the way we interact with people.

There's certain people,

Again,

There's certain people who say no,

They're so negative every time we see them,

We're not going to have them in our lives.

But there's certain people who need to be in our lives.

They could be in-laws,

They could be other relationships or friends that we don't want to get rid of but there's something they do consistently that's really upsetting,

That's disappointing.

Find it funny.

Interact with your friend or your spouse and find it funny together.

Find it surprising.

Find it interesting.

Isn't it interesting that somebody who's 75 years old still worries about whether I put money in the parking meter,

Whatever those things are.

And I'm telling you,

We've had experiences with this,

You will see that it certainly starts bothering you less and less.

Ultimately,

It actually will give you joy if you do it in the right way.

You have to decide what you want to see,

Right?

And how you want to experience it.

Yeah.

Any other?

We have questions.

Yes.

Hi,

My name's Sarah.

Good evening.

Yeah,

My question is about teenagers.

We at our home,

We have one teenager,

One preteen in our home and how can we help them increase their baseline of happiness?

Does it apply to the same rules as for adults?

I mean,

Obviously,

There's a different way of helping them on that journey and I just wanted to hear what you thought on that one.

Well,

What's going on in their lives?

Do you notice things that make them unhappy or that moods change and shift?

Also,

You know,

Relationships at school,

Rejections,

Not invited to things,

You know,

All that kind of stuff that happens when you're a teenager.

Step mom not being annoying or whatever happens to be,

You know,

That kind of stuff.

So yeah.

I think it's a great opportunity to help them focus on what's important and instead of focusing on external,

Which is human nature,

Right,

Who wants to be rejected,

Who doesn't want to be invited to a party,

To really pause and say,

Okay,

In the big scheme of life,

Right,

If you live your life this way where you're only happy if this happens,

Then what does the rest of your life look like?

I think it's to try to give them perspective to the bigger picture of what's really important and where they should place value on.

And it's so important to do that at a young age because when you practice that early on,

Later in life,

Again,

Your baseline,

First of all,

For happiness and for a quality experience of life is going to be higher,

But also you start to live a life that's based in more purposeful real things.

So I think the earlier you can introduce that to teenagers,

The better.

Right.

Yeah,

I would only add,

First of all,

My baseline of happiness tonight is very high because one of our teenagers is here with us.

I hope you enjoy the podcast tonight.

Would you like to join us?

And I think the reason this is so important is because this baseline that Monica's been speaking about tonight,

A lot of it gets formed in the home because those formative years really create the baseline for happiness.

And what you don't want to do,

And this sometimes we try to do,

And it's maybe a parental instinct,

That when they're going through challenges,

How do I make it better?

Right,

Because if I make it better,

Then they'll be happy again.

The most important thing is to realize that there are always going to be things in life that can cause unhappiness.

The question isn't how do you take away that situation,

But how do you find a way to be happy in those challenges?

And I think,

Again,

And we've seen this too often with parents where they want to make everything good okay for their kids,

With their kids.

That's not life.

And that also doesn't create the proper baseline for life.

Whereas we say,

Oh,

I'm happy you're going through this challenge,

Or this is a part of life,

But how can your experience of it be different?

And those conversations and those really,

The parenting not to remove challenges were difficulties but helping get to a place where they go through challenges because they will have challenges from this moment on for the rest of their lives.

But how do you go through them and either enjoy them or at least not allow them to steal away from your happiness is so important,

Maybe amongst our most important responsibilities is parents.

I think it's so powerful what you said because when a child's going through something like rejection and they're feeling badly about something and the parent reacts like,

Oh my God,

That's terrible.

I remember the time I was rejected too and they commiserate together,

Right?

What are you teaching the child?

And I see that a lot in homes where the parents upset and everything's a big deal and they take the child's worries at like,

Yes,

It's not serving them and it's also projecting onto them what your experience was and maybe things you haven't gotten over.

So I think it's so important to really,

Yes,

If it's a big deal,

We'll talk about it,

We'll address it.

But unless it's like death or something,

It's not the biggest deal and it's there as an opportunity.

So I love the questions.

I think it's really,

Really important to help teenagers,

But they're going to see it through example.

I mean,

How do you respond to those things?

That's very important,

Right?

So we take maybe as a given,

Which is not,

That what they're seeing at home from their parents or their environment is the fact that you can go through challenges and be happy about it or that you can go through difficulties and be happy about it.

If that's not what they're experiencing watching their parents or their home environment,

The words that we say will mean nothing.

So I think as parents,

Maybe one of the first questions is,

How am I going through life?

And then,

Okay,

I cannot,

Most importantly,

I am an example to my children and then yes,

We can talk about it.

But if I,

The parent themselves is not going through the life in this way,

Is not able to both take in challenges and find a way to be happy,

Surprised,

All those words that we spoke about,

Those tools we spoke about before,

Then almost any words we say to our children will be meaningless.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Yes.

Yeah.

Hands are ready.

Hi.

So my name is Yael and I came here with a question and thanks to you,

I got a glimpse of the answer,

But I still would like to ask the question and have a better understanding.

In business,

It seems like I've done everything that I need to do in order to have a right consciousness using a ballistic tool and still struggling financially.

So how can we have a set happiness and certainty when this is happening?

Where else do you find happiness outside of your business?

With my kids and family when we go to places,

Sometimes when we do,

But mostly it is in business.

Usually happiness is in business because it's something creative I'm doing that my dream from the childhood.

What I would say is,

Again,

I think this is maybe what you're referring to,

Is the understanding.

And I think it's so important that we remind ourselves of this.

It's almost cliche,

Right?

But it's the fact that a person who goes to the doctor and the doctor says,

Oh,

We see something,

We have to check this out,

That whole week the person's worried.

And he or she gets the phone call from the doctor.

As a matter of fact,

I'll share a story,

And I hope they don't mind,

I won't use names.

But a story that actually happened a few weeks ago,

We were at a wedding in Mexico and one of our students texted me,

I'd like to talk to you about something.

We called them,

And we were actually going to the wedding,

So I couldn't call them right then.

A few hours later,

We connected when we landed in New York.

And he told me now a funny story in retrospect,

That they had gone to the doctor and the doctor called them,

Nobody wants to get this call,

They had done tests,

Please come to the office.

And then a few hours later,

They called back the doctor,

And the doctor says,

You know,

Your last name is similar to the last name of another patient.

Your test was fine.

So obviously it was a mistake.

In that second,

In that second,

Of course,

They were filled with joy.

And literally,

Of course,

In that second,

There is nothing in the world that can make them upset.

No problems at work,

No problems at all.

What does that mean?

That's not just a cliche,

A story that something maybe we've experienced,

Or we hear others experience.

It's meant to enable us to understand what we're capable of.

In this moment for you,

And every moment forever,

You have the ability to be the happiest person in the world.

That's a fact.

Because if we appreciated our help,

We're not getting those calls from the doctor,

For example,

Then there's nothing,

Right,

That if we imagine what if we didn't have these are the five areas of life that I'm happy to have.

And then I got them.

Or more importantly,

And now I appreciated them.

Every single one of us,

Regardless of what challenges we're experiencing in one area or other areas of our lives,

Has the ability to be the happiest person in the world.

Our problem,

All of us to some degree or another,

Is that we're not extracting as much either through appreciation,

Surprise,

Savoring those tools we spoke about before.

We're not experiencing or extracting from what we currently have all the possibilities of joy.

And this again,

The beautiful thing about this is this is not just spiritual wisdom.

Science tells us this.

You probably think that if your business was going as you would want it to go,

Oh,

Then my baseline of happiness would be where I want it to be.

Science tells us that's not the case.

Science tells us that where you are today,

You can be the happiest person in the world.

And let's find the tools,

Yet consistently use the tools to be able to extract the most happiness and fulfillment from what I have.

By the way,

If and when you do that consistently,

Other areas will work out well as well.

But that's not even the point.

The point is every single one of us,

Regardless of what challenges we're having in business,

Can be the happiest person in the world right now with what we have if we use the tools to extract the joy that is already there.

Reminds me of a story we saw on the news years ago of there was a tornado and this woman was interviewed and all of the,

She was crying and she was so happy.

And she said that she lost her home and she lost all of her belongings and she didn't have anything,

But she had her children still.

And she thought that they had perished.

She couldn't find them for a while.

And then when she found them,

She realized that she was the most grateful,

Happy,

Lucky person in the world because she had found her child that she thought she had lost.

But she didn't have any other worldly possession at all.

And I think that you were saying that you love your work and it's your creativity and it's what you wanted from your childhood,

But you still have that,

Whether it's recognized by millions or you change the life of one.

So I think it's about shifting where you,

What you've assigned meaning and purpose to.

Is it just an outcome or is it the experience of it,

The ability to do that?

That's not going to change.

That's there.

That's real.

There will be maybe one question.

One more.

Yes.

Thank you.

Hello.

My name is Hedy.

I'm so excited to be here tonight.

My question is this.

You talked about savoring every moment in our daily routine,

But I find myself being unfulfilled because I am a woman in my thirties.

I'm a professional.

I've built a nice life and career for myself,

But I'm feeling that time is running out.

I feel like I don't have that time anymore to infuse into dating or meeting people or going out because I'm busy with what I've built.

How can I savor or how can I find everyday happiness when I'm feeling this anxiety about time?

I feel anxious every day and I have this fear of maybe ending up alone.

Well,

I think that even negative emotions are important.

There is a healthy space for that.

We're not meant to be happy all the time,

No matter what.

If you're feeling anxious,

You're feeling worried,

You're feeling a sense of urgency for something else other than how you're spending your time,

I think it's actually something to pay attention to.

So it doesn't mean that you have to stop growing your business or stop doing what you love,

But maybe now a lot more of your attention needs to go into a different area of your life.

So that anxious,

Any negative feeling you're feeling is actually there for a reason to help you stop and say,

Okay,

What do I need to change about my routine?

What do I need to pay attention to that I'm not because I'm feeling unfulfilled or I'm feeling something that's different?

It's actually a wake-up call to maybe start putting energy elsewhere.

So it's not a bad thing if you pay attention to it and then you take action steps to change it.

So again,

It doesn't mean you have to abandon anything that you've created or the things that bring you joy today,

But if it's not as fulfilling as it used to be,

It means that there's a shift that needs to happen where you're putting energy and effort into other areas of your life.

Yeah,

I would add because that's a very important understanding.

Although we spoke most of this evening about how to have more happiness and how to raise our baseline,

It's important to understand that sometimes our sense of sadness or anxiety is coming not from places that are meant to change and change.

But sometimes,

As Monica said,

It's coming from the right place.

And it's only the individual,

Only you can ascertain whether it is,

But it sounds like it's something to listen to.

And often fear or anxiety or state of unhappiness is the creator telling us something needs to change.

And I would,

Again,

And we can really try to assess is the unhappiness I'm feeling is because I'm not using the tools enough to savor and extract as much happiness and fulfillment from what I already have,

Or is this unhappiness,

This anxiety,

A wake up call to actually make a dramatic change?

Maybe yes,

Invest more time in another area in a relationship,

For example.

So I think it's important not to forget that,

Not to think,

Oh,

I need to make all anxiety go away with using the tools that I can make when I have now more fulfilling for me.

Sometimes that anxiety or that unhappiness is a very important emotion that is meant to wake us up and make us change and maybe invest in new areas of our lives.

And I would say in this case,

I think it is.

Thank you.

Well,

Thank you all for joining us.

As usual,

I say,

We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast and much we enjoyed recording it.

And stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.

Thank you.

Thank you.